The Post Discard Battle – Part Two

 

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The first battle that takes places post discard is the Emotional Battle. That is a battle that you are always destined to lose. You will always fight at least one Emotional Battle because you do not know any other way. In all likelihood, you will face several of these post discard battles because you will keep being hoovered back into our grasp until such time as you learn to recognise what you are dealing with and understand what you must do. Eventually and this may take several Emotional Battles before you realise this and are capable of achieving the appropriate response, you either evade the Emotional Battle by escaping as opposed to being discarded, or you prepare yourself for the eventual discard in a manner which means you no longer have to ensure the Emotional Battle. Instead, you move on to the next post discard battle, that of Head versus Heart (“the HvH Battle”).

The HvH Battle (also known as the Logic v Emotion Battle) is a battleground where you stand some chance of victory. This battleground is one where you have gained understanding. It might be through your repeated exposure to our kind so that eventually something has “clicked” into place or more often than not it is as a consequence of an external agent who has explained matters to you. It might by a therapist, a friend, the content of a book, something you saw on YouTube or even something that I have written. Whatever has caused this understanding to increase, it is this which provides you with the fighting chance to win this HvH Battle.

You have been discarded and run the gamut of emotional fall-out thereafter. You may understand what we are. You may understand some of the things that we have done. You may be familiar with the fact that we will try to hoover you back into our grip. You may even be starting to comprehend that what has happened was all predicated on an illusion. The degree of understanding will vary but what is important for you is that you are allowing logical thought to be heard above the raw heat of your emotions. You once again will not just be battling against us but also yourself. We will be looking to hoover you in order to draw you back into our grip or perhaps we will be unleashing a malign hoover since we are unable to draw you back into our false reality and therefore we opt to keep extracting negative fuel by way of punishment for your treachery. You have us as an opponent, but you will also be fighting yourself as your emerging logic grapples with the still churning emotion. You have learned many things and you know you should apply what you have learned but still there is the emotional pull that you experience. You are not removed or detached from your emotions, they have not dimmed either, they are still there, raging away. The hurt, the love, the longing, the passion, the fear and the upset. An ocean of emotion which you once tried to cross but that was the Emotional Battle and you had barely taken four strokes as you began to swim before you were engulfed by the emotion and sank to the bottom of this sea, drowned by your own emotion. Now you have built a vessel. It is made from cool, hard logic. Critical thinking, once a stranger to you during your savage devaluation, has re-appeared. You can analyse and assess. It is unlikely you are able to do so at the level you once enjoyed before we came along but it is there. Whether this vessel is a tiny raft, a dinghy, a boat or a hulking great liner depends very much on the extent of your understanding. The choppy emotional seas will smash against your vessel of logic. A wave of sorrow will buffet you, a tsunami of longing will threaten to swamp you once again. Wave after wave of emotion will try and capsize your vessel as you try to navigate this emotional ocean. Chances are your life raft will be smashed to match wood and you will be tipped into the sea to drown once again as emotion subsumes you and you find yourself back in our hold. Your clipper may be holed beneath the waterline and you start to take on board more and more emotion as steadily you sink beneath the emotional waves once again. It is during this HvH Battle as you try to cross the emotional ocean, because what you must do is reach the dry land beyond and in effect put an ocean but you and us, you will be subjected to the push and pull of your emotions trying to guide you, to control your decision-making, your head will tell you one thing as your heart screams something else at you. This is probably the harder battle for you to fight. In the Emotional Battle, you do not stand a chance and your defeat is swift and total. During the HvH Battle you will make gains, suffer losses, seem to making a breakthrough and then out of nowhere a tidal wave will flip you from your boat and into the churning ocean and you drown once again. All the while we will be whipping up the waves, firing our torpedoes at you as we endeavour to cause you to sink into this emotional ocean yet again and you fail to cross it and win this battle. How might this HvH Battle manifest in the real world?

  1. You will know you ought not to contact us but you need to send a message to see if we respond.
  2. You will keep checking our social media profiles to ascertain if you are mentioned, if we are with somebody else and/or to find out what we are doing.
  3. You will ask about us to our coterie and lieutenants, often unwittingly doing so, so this is fed back to us.
  4. You will go on dates but find you are always comparing this new person to us and they are always found to be wanting.
  5. You know what the outcome will be but you just want one more night with us.
  6. You realise that we are unlikely to change but if you do not try you will never know, so it is worth one more attempt to talk isn’t it?
  7. You understand much of what we did and said was a lie, but surely it could not all have been an illusion? There must have been times where we really did love you and you need to ask us about this.
  8. You know we are bad for you, but you cannot help what you feel. Surely it would be better to stop this pain from being there all the time and just have it occasionally?
  9. You know you should not reply to our messages but it feels so good to have a conversation with us again. It has been too long.
  10. You know we are using you, but it feels so damn good.
  11. One kiss cannot hurt can it?
  12. You know better now, so going back will be different because you know what to expect. Armed with this new knowledge you can enter the lion’s den again but be better prepared.
  13. You know we are bad for you but you cannot bear the thought of someone else being with us and perhaps being the one to work.
  14. What if this time the apology is sincere and the desire to change is real? If you walked away from that, you would only be denying yourself happiness wouldn’t you?
  15. You understand engaging with us is dangerous but there are things you really need to tell us.

These and others besides are all examples of the inherent tension that arises in this tug-of-war between your cool intellect and your burning emotions.

Can you win this battle that rages post discard? Unlike the first battle, the Emotional Battle which you can never win, you can be victorious. You may have to fight this HvH Battle many times before securing the win. In the beginning you may be clinging to little more than a log as you desperately try to sail the emotional ocean and you are swept from it. However, by reading and understanding, by disciplining yourself to apply logic, to prevent your emotions from engulfing you, by reading more and increasing your knowledge you will begin to increase your logic vessel. From log to raft to dinghy. Still you may be swamped and drowned again. But then it becomes a small boat, a yacht, a clipper, a steamer, a passenger liner, a frigate, a destroyer and a super tanker. Each time you rebuild, better, bigger and stronger as you learn more, making the vessel more seaworthy. You begin to chart routes so you avoid the most tumultuous emotional areas, finally beginning to steer through calmer waters until there it is, on the horizon, the sight of land and the final battle that occurs with our kind post discard.

The HvH Battle is not an easy battle. You will fight it several times, but each time you should be better prepared to cross the emotional ocean and improve your prospects of success. Sometimes you are taken unawares by some of our provocative tactics and dumped unceremoniously into the water once again, but it is a battle you can win through the dedicated application of knowledge and understanding.

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10 thoughts on “The Post Discard Battle – Part Two”

    1. Good. Send a landing party first though to explore, The Promised Land isn’t all it is cracked up to be.

  1. I find it very easy to stay away and not contact him if I don’t see him. I have absolutely no desire to contact him or look at his social media because I know it would just result in more pain. What I struggle with is him making a point of being in my face. Once again he found me walking my dog in the bush and this time wanted to walk with me (WTH, he’s been busy for the past 4 years and now wants us to walk together). I really wish he’d just stay away from me.

    Still have no desire to contact him even after that, but it is unsettling. I guess that’s the purpose.

  2. The HvH battle is finally over and my logical thinking is back on track. H G you have been my ultimate guru and I thank you!
    My biggest qualm now is my approach in making it final, seeking a divorce. We currently live together, I did manage an escape attempt that lasted a year but had to come back. I didn’t seek the divorce right from the get go, huge mistake on my part I now see. Aside from one night in the very beginning of first being here, the night the mask slipped for the first time, we get along fine. No fighting, very civil and in my opinion better than we ever did as a couple but I believe that is because I know who he is now, the real him. He doesn’t deny it and it is what it is ya know. I don’t think he is a monster, I don’t hate him, I get where it came from and to think of that little boy he once was that caused him this way of life truly breaks my heart. By no means is it an excuse for his behaviors, not at all. I understand it but I will not accept it.
    He has said in the past that he is unable of change and I get it now. He does not have the capacity to heal and he will always have that insatiable desire for something more when the stale sets in. I know this because when I asked, as hard as it was for him to say, he did agree.
    Also do I know that his anger runs deep and the need to control are his driving forces so once I take action I feel those will be set ablaze and I know I need to brace myself for it. I am totally over thinking things and not pulling that God damn trigger, it’s madning!
    What should I be reading, which book or books would suit best for me at this moment?
    Thank you in advance!

    1. You are welcome Tex. I recommend you read No Contact, Black Hole, Escape, Fuel, Fury and Outnumbered.

  3. Yes, I’m definitely winning this battle! I’m the tanker. But it’s so damn true HG that it takes a lot of knowledge and understanding. NO CONTACT is not enough. It’s just a part of the entire process.

    It took me 4 months. Conversations with a psychiatrist, a psychologist and dozens of friends. It took hundreds of articles and videos on youtube, and your entire blog HG. I ordered Sam Vaknin’s books and yours are on the way.

    It’s so true that my Narc is whipping those waves. He’s not only trying to hurt me. He wants me to doubt myself, my intuition and critical thinking. And sometimes I do wonder and hesitate… “Maybe I’m wrong about him, maybe he’s really the best guy I could have”. But everytime I have these thoughts, I read and read and read again and remind myself that I CAN be wrong, but this knowledge is not lying. And my experience was real. And my friends and family are unanimous in their opinions too. This is the truth, he can’t deny it. But no contact is not enough to win this battle.

  4. HG,

    How about post escape?

    I am guessing some of the same things apply. Even though I had your help and guidance, and left like a boss (brutal, cold and swift!), I felt pain still. I didn’t tell the ex that detail though…that would have been fuel for him. NOPE. I had to remind myself over and over why I left, as I still doubted myself once I did leave. I also had friends remind me that I was not crazy, that it was best that I left and when I had the urge to call or text, I would text them instead. I made plans with them to keep busy. Stay busy!! Manicures, massages, drinks with friends, shopping for new furniture and tea pots.

    I will say this over and over…after discard or escape, do a thorough exorcism with HG’s book Exorcism. Throw that shit OUT! I don’t care if it cost a pretty penny or you really like that sweet cast iron tea pot. I gave my sweet iron tea pot he gave me to a friend of a friend. She was happy, I was free. …If he gave it to you, it is getting rehomed, sold or thrown. Nice artwork? Sell that Rembrandt! Pictures in your “cloud”, your phone, your iPad, your lappy?…delete it all. Delete his memory as he deleted you during those long silent treatments and shelving.

  5. Yes. This. Every bit of it. I always prided myself in being able to reason through things logically and rationally, until confronted with this situation, which defied logic and rationale. Then I found these blogs, and they became my initial life raft…and each time I feel like I am succumbing to the emotions again, I return here to reinforce the logical and rational side of things…because this is reality. My emotions are not based on a reality, but on a monstrous charade.

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