Poll -What Has Prevented You From Implementing No Contact?
In this poll I would like to know what is it that has stopped you from implementing no contact? Once you realised what you were dealing with and you learned that the most appropriate method of proceeding was to go no contact, what stopped you?
This is not a poll about what we did to stop you, that is a separate consideration, so if it was because we kept hoovering, you live across the street from us so we see you every day, because we threatened you or blackmailed you and so forth, those are not the considerations.
You may well have implemented no contact straight away once you knew it needed to be done. If so, bravo! For most people however there was either a hesitancy for some reason before it was implemented or it has not yet happened for some reason. It is those reasons I am interested in learning about.
It is about your situation and your mind set. Were you concerned that you would have no money or no income and therefore this stopped you? Perhaps you were worried it would impact on your employment? Maybe your health or the narcissist’s health stopped you? Perhaps you just felt guilty doing it and this emotional thinking held you back or you kept convincing yourself there was the potential for improvement or change, the strangling effect of hope.
Even if that hesitancy or delay was just for a minute and then you applied no contact or whether it has repeatedly stopped you doing it, do share your situation in the poll below.
Thank you for participating.
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172 thoughts on “Poll -What Has Prevented You From Implementing No Contact?”
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I haven’t voted because my option is not present, given my knowledge on Narcs I haven’t gone no contact for revenge.
GUILT
I broke no contact because he made me feel guilty after I discarded him.
He started saying I’m the worst person he ever met, that I am manipulative and that his family hated me so much for being so bad to him. And I believed him…I felt like it’s all my fault and I started to apologize!
As soon as a realized that this another mindfucking game, I implemented no contact again, this time for good. But this guilt trip destroyed me emotionally to my core. The second time I implemented NC wounded him terribly, he ignited with fury, but since I didn’t react to his further provocations, he withdrew for good.
Hope dies last
My addiction to him and fear of living life without him is what prevented me to delay no contact. I knew for about 1.5 of the 3 years we were on and off that there would never be a future and something about his personality was not quite right.
Even though he never accepted my kids ( massive red flag) I still struggled to walk. I did on a lot of research on narcissistic behaviour plus booked into a therapist plus was fortunate enough to have a strong support group of people who truly love me, behind me that supported me in walking away. I never believed I had the strength to do so…. BUT we all have our limits!
It got to a point where I was completely exhausted from the crazy cycle of love bombing / idealisation/ devalue and descard. I felt stuck with my narc, and knew life has so much more to offer and knew my life can’t get better until this roller coaster ride was over. Don’t get me wrong, there were many good times and parts of him I truly loved.
I finally grew the courage to tell him I’m walking away. This was very hard as he was very controlling and had this emense power over me.
He then took love bombing to a whole new level, I then asked him to respect my decision re no more contact. Of course then DR Jekyll strikes one last time sending the most nastiest email… surprise surprise.
This has been about 2 mths now and haven’t heard a thing. I miss him still and often think about him, but know I will never contact him again.
I’m still on NC but I want to text him to see how he’s doing lately…
Understandable but unnecessary.
Because he doesn’t care? Even though I’ve started to cross the ocean, I still wonder what he’s doing… I know it’s his business but a part of me thinks that it would be nice to hear from him… not easy.
Indeed it is not Mistress and it is that emotional thinking, those emotional waves in the ocean, that are causing you to think it would be nice to hear from him. Cool, hard logic however states there is no need for you to hear from him and ultimately it will cause more problems. Keep building that logic vessel.
Thank you HG. Well, I’m an emotional person that’s why he picked me and drained me. My boat is inflatable and weak but eventually it will be a wooden one, and even if he comes back, I hope I’ll be stronger enough to push him away.
I always say to myself, “I’m done”. He knew what I had been through. Promised he would never hurt me. He would protect my heart. Then he killed me inside.
He married 3 months after discarding me. Leaving me to my tears and my loneliness and depression whilst he happily moved to the next. He told me no contact, but contacted me 7 months later.
I don’t know if I’m still in this vortex of how he would blow up my phone almost like clockwork every other week and we would spend the weekends every other weekend like a pattern. In between I wanted him to call and text and come see me but he was silent except to respond with callousness to my pestering (as he called it), during the silent times.
He got me hooked and then left me to be alone just waiting and waiting for his call.
Its like I know I shouldn’t do it, but after a couple or 3 weeks, I contact him, but I don’t feel any love for him.
This is the only cycle I am having a hard time with.
Its like he drilled it into my mind and I expect either he or I will get in touch.
He responds politely, but eventually brings sexual content into the picture.
I don’t want him to be happy with new wife. I want her to escape before its too late. I’m not jealous at all. I don’t know her, but I worry for her.
I don’t know if its addiction or revenge and I can’t just cut the cord. I don’t know.
He has messed with my head as a great manipulator.
I carry on with my life, but I feel an empty hole that needs to be closed up. This has to stop.
I need to figure out how to end this mind game.
Weird timing. 😀 I just posted that I was going to try to make things work with my dad and brother, like, yesterday, and today here is this poll.
I’ve already posted this somewhere on this blog…but yeah, 100% because I hope for a better outcome than not talking to my own father and brother. And I can’t help but think that the idea that certain people are just inevitably bad and incapable of change strikes me as rather…witch-hunty, overly-simplistic, and false. If it turns out I’m wrong, then I suppose HG and everyone here can join together in laughing at my stupidity and saying “I told you so.” 🙂
Trying to reconnect with my brother is going…well, I think. He seems to be on board. To get around his temper and my difficulty with verbalizing my feelings, I’m writing him letters about anything personal or serious I want to talk about. But though he’s the one who suggested that I write about personal stuff to him to help us get to know each other, he’s not giving me any letters about him. He’s getting to know me, but I’m not getting to know him. I just hear in conversation the usual stuff about his latest achievements and hobbies. I guess that’s a thing with narcissists…they don’t trust people enough to let them see their true selves. Sigh.
June no one would laugh at you, and you are not stupid.
Imagine going into that situation armed with all this knowledge, with Boundaries and your eyes wide open- A leopard can’t change its spots but you don’t need it to change, you just need to make sure it doesn’t cross your line in the sand.
Alright, maybe I was being a little pessimistic about most of the readers here. 🙂 But it’s difficult to imagine HG, being what he is, NOT getting at least a little chuckle out of any misery caused by not listening to his advice. It’s cool-one thing about being raised by one narcissist and siblings with another is that you learn to laugh at your mistakes. Because they certainly will laugh at you. (For my dad and brother, if nobody’s being made fun of, the joke isn’t funny.)
A leopard can’t change it’s spots. Heh. That sounds like something my mother would say. And that I would listen to in stony, disagreeing silence. We don’t get along well-a combination of a personality clash and what I guess would be called a smear campaign. I think she knew. She said that the world is divided into givers and takers, and that people can’t change what they are.
But unfortunate reminders aside, I see your point. Change in the sense of “stop being a narcissist” for them or “stop having Asperger’s Syndrome” for me is impossible and would probably only serve to offend us. But learning how to function well enough is doable…assuming the person is willing, of course.
Yikes. This was a long one. 😀 Sorry. And thank you for the support. <3
Just wondering Jody…are you or did you once try something similar with a narcissist in your own life? Did it work out?
I haven’t broken no contact.
Thank you for your education HG 🙂
At first because I sent her a document via Facebook that was a sort of analysis of her personality that contained veiled allusions to her narcissism. A choice phrase described her ‘enshrined self image’. I waited a while for her to read it. (Rather than going no contact then and there) Then she tried to retaliate in the form of a hoover which is when I deleted her from Facebook/blocked her number.
I believe I was married to a narcissist. Two counselors told me they thought my ex was a narcissist but he was never actually diagnosed. I appreciate this blog and the willingness of the writer to be so honest.
I was codependent for a few years and what kept me from leaving was I wanted to be a good wife and I thought I was loving him the way a wife should. He began to treat me differently and I kept pushing to find out why. My emotions were all over and I thought I was going crazy so I went to counseling. What helped me the most was realizing that he is his own person and I am not responsible for his decisions or his emotions. I began to value myself and I will try very hard not to sound preachy but knowing God loves me has impacted me the most. I didn’t lean on my husband’s love, or lack of it, knowing that. I made a clean break last year, no phone calls, texts, emails and he doesn’t know where I live. And I don’t have social media or keep in contact with his friends or family members. I just live my life. 🙂
My vote is hope. There is still that hope that there will be a different out come. Well I guess we all know what outcome I’m hoping for.
I didn’t even know what a narcissist was till recently,
Dear Mr Tudor,
I thought a narcissist was someone who basically kissed himself in the mirror and drank his own bathwater.
I knew absolutely nothing! So naive of me.
I have researched everything myself. Didn’t realise it came with a horror story.
I ” accidentally” came across your blog… the “best advice” came last. I now have “no contact” in place, thanks to you ! Otherwise I wouldn’t have, because it seemed a “mean” thing for an empath to do and I didn’t realise how necessary it was.
Thankyou
Dear Mr Tudor,
Having thought about this a bit deeper, I’ve been abused from childhood, people who were my carers and who were supposed to love me, yet they all abandoned me and treated me shockingly! (My parents moved house without telling me, no forwarding address no phone number, they thought it was hilarious) I guess in my situation, I cherish friendships, family and love. So to “not” go no contact was trying to keep a friendship or relationship alive. It felt like i was being abandoned again and what had I done wrong this time? I’ve always wanted to be liked or loved! So I guess falling prey to a narcissist was inevitable!
Thankyou for the opportunity
You are welcome.
For me, with the ex, I have completely gone no contact! It took me almost two years for me to get over that relationship! It was after that when I started reading your posts and then realized who he was and what I had been dealing with. It all made sense to me then and I have found it very easy to not think about him anymore even with him trying one Hoover so far. The new man that I have been ridiculously attracted to is another narc and I can’t seem to not respond back to him. We have been playing this game with each other for about a year. We have dated but not been intimate. The anticipation of that has kept me from letting him go. Part of me likes the games, his intelligence, attractiveness, and how charming he can be. I get bored with other men and I’m sure part of it again is because that is all I have ever known. My dad is a narc as well.
Initially it was because I couldn’t wrap my head around the whole deception of it all, I just couldn’t believe the love of my life would do such vile purposeful evil things. Eventually, after months of reading, listening to videos such as yours HG, it became clear there was no hope, just have to accept the full horror of it all and try to move on. So no contact now fully implemented. Still can’t believe you Narcs exist.
I so wanted him to be the oerson he wasat the beginninb of our tryst.It was the cognitive dissonance that caused me to question my perception. Which person is he really? What if I’m wrong? What if I am really losing my chance at love? Even 3 months after no contact, I still question myself. Wow…shows me how my thinking was affected (I know this is a topic for later discussion.)
Janice, this is me too! Two months no contact and even as I read HG’s posts and comments like yours that sound exactly how I feel, I still question if maybe I’m wrong. It’s maddening. Hugs. It helps to know we aren’t alone though.
You mentioned how your thinking was affected…
My narc was an online affair that lasted over a year. We met in person one time only and kissed/made out some in his car. I honestly am so angry at myself that I bought into an illusion created by words alone, and a few kisses. How could someone I didn’t even sleep with in person (though we had hours and hours of sexting) mind fuck me so hard?
Hi Mary, I’m on the 2nd time no contact and it’s been 2 months. It’s really hard to move on when the illusion that we saw was so real… When he came back, he didn’t seem to care or have no clue about how much he hurt me by cutting me off and being so cold.
When I read your comment, mistress, it brought up so many memories of that same feeling – that they didn’t seem to know or care how much they’d hurt me. Sad as it is to say – they don’t. They either aren’t aware of your pain, or they don’t believe you really feel it (you’re pretending), or they see your pain and just don’t care.
This is because they just don’t have empathy. They don’t understand our feelings and if we try to explain it to them, they’ll either think we’re lying or crazy for letting ourselves feel so miserable. The sad reality is there’s no way to be in any kind of a relationship with a narcissist and not get hurt often. Because even when they aren’t trying to hurt us for fuel, they’ll still hurt us accidentally because they’re unaware of our feelings. And their inability to experience our feelings keeps them from ever becoming aware, even when we try to explain.
Janice, this is me too! Two months no contact and even as I read HG’s posts and comments like yours that sound exactly how I feel, I still question if maybe I’m wrong. It’s maddening. Hugs. It helps to know we aren’t alone though.
You mentioned how your thinking was affected…
My narc was an online affair that lasted over a year. We met in person one time only and kissed/made out some in his car. I honestly am so angry at myself that I bought into an illusion created by words alone, and a few kisses. How could someone I didn’t even sleep with in person (though we had hours and hours of sexting) mind fuck me so hard?
Hi Mary,
Please don’t beat yourself up. It is so easy to fall prey to expert manipulators and predators. Especially if you were in an unsatisfying relationship. They can smell that need in you before you even know it.
Thank you for sharing your story with me in your messages, I could feel each blow as you went through it with him. The seductive pull, the need you had filled temporarily, the illusions that he provided and the pushing away and the sanding away of your self esteem with verbal put downs. He is definitely a narcissist and not harmless. Narcissists are not harmless. He sounds like he has a level of awareness of his behavior that makes him even more dangerous, particularly to your emotional well-being. You were definitely being used and he used that very manipulative argument of the time he spent interacting with you to convince you there was hope.
Im so proud of you that you are two months NC! That was an important milestone for me in my NC, as the cravings start to drop around this time. Have you deleted all pics and messages from him yet? It will help reduce any cravings and triggers. Also throw out any gifts. HGs book Exorcism is really good for getting him out of your head and reducing triggers.
Woo hoo 2 months down!
Hi Indy,
Thank you for your supportive words and your impressions on my narc. (And for reading that insanely long story.)
Seeing how far you have come and how you have been able to thrive after a year of No Contact inspires me! I’m so glad you are not in the narc’s grip anymore.
I have not deleted his messages and pics. There are no gifts to dispose of unless he gave me an std in our one makeout session. He told me a few weeks later “I found out I don’t have Hep C” which was a fucked up thing to say for no reason. He said he didn’t think he had it anyway but learned for sure he didn’t have it. I eventually assumed the truth to be the opposite of what he said, so his “not having Hep C” scared the hell out of me. In May I was tested for it and it was negative. (That’s when I had blood checked for herpes too and found out it was negative.)
I kept his pics because that’s the only real thing left. I kept screen shots of convos just as a reminder of how twisted he was. For a while, reading old messages helped strengthen my anger. Now though, if I read them it makes me wonder if I was wrong about him being a bad guy. My stomach aches thinking I pushed away someone who cared. Not a potential life partner but a “lover” who cared and I was too harsh.
OMG, I’m STILL doing it!!!! Still thinking of ways to justify not staying away for good. Still tormenting my heart and mind. It’s infuriating and he does not deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Mary, I have an idea you might try. I had that same problem with one of my narcs that lives in another country. Our entire relationship was basically texts. When I cut off daily texting with him, I didn’t want to get rid of the hard copy of everything he’d said. At the same time I found it toxic to keep it all on my phone, because I was too tempted to go back and look at them. This was keeping me mired in this dysfunctional relationship and keeping me from moving on with my life.
My solution was to print all the texts and save the pictures into the cloud, then delete all of it off my phone. So now I still have it all, but its put away, difficult to get to and no longer part of my daily life. All my family assured me this was stupid, but it worked for me.
Sound advice Windstorm!
I love the idea of printing them out. I would add a lock to it too. So you cannot impulsively open it….and save in a closet.
Now, windstorm, the cloud idea backfired on me. This is what happened to me. I deleted all of his pictures off the phone and forgot about the cloud. When my phone updated all of his damn pictures popped back on my phone. Damn cloud! Thankfully I was stronger then. I still need to clean my cloud! His face (only a couple pics now) keeps popping up. I actually captured in a picture his dead look. That’s the one that keeps popping up. 😆 I need to get better cloud skills, this is when I feel old. I bet my 4 year old grandson could teach me 😂
BTW, glad you made it back home to KY! Is that a joke up there, by the way? Your state’s initials? I just realized when I typed it in today that sooo many jokes could be made lol
Hugs from the land of biscuits and grits 😉
Glad you didn’t think it was crazy, Indy. EVERYBODY here did. It was expensive and time consuming! Took nearly 2000 sheets of paper and 4 sets of ink cartridges (there were a ton of texts). I never had to fight temptation because it was so cumbersome and difficult to go thru them! Now I don’t care. I still occasionally email him to toy with him, but I probably should stop that. Neither one of us gets any benefit from it.
Don’t have a clue what you think is a joke about our states abbreviation – KY. so I’d say, no, we don’t.
I am glad to be home! I’ve got two weeks till I have to head back out there for the new baby’s birth. Then I’ll probably be expected to stay at least a month or so.
Windstorm2,
KY jelly….sorry, I just grossed myself out 😂
Wow, all that paper would make for a nice burning ritual!! Bin fire, I’ll bring the marshmallows!!!
Indy
I’ve seen Ky jelly in the pharmacy section of Walmart, but never heard anyone talk about it.
I have a narc friend (a midrange) who is Wiccan. She wants me to wad them each up and burn them in a ritual with her at the new moon.
I have no desire to get rid of them, though. My kids can toss them after I die.
Since I do still talk to this guy occasionally, I see these texts as insurance if he try’s to distort the past to manipulate me. Probably just paranoid on my part since he’s just a midrange, but after living 30 years with a greater I’ve learned to always hide away hard evidence of everything! It’s a wonderful defense against crazy-making manipulations.
Ohhh that is an excellent point, WS2! As long as he has no power over you, you do what is best! Evidence is the best insurance!
Windstorm2 and Indy
I have been reluctant to address this previously as I believe HGs advice to purge all things Narc is best, and I wouldnt want to give anyone still struggling with feelings of forgiveness, love, all that nonsense a temptation, BUT, when you have crossed that sea and are strong, and if still in possession of texts and documents (dont lie-you all have them lol), one could read them now (prior to burning) with the education that they have attained here and see exactly what they really meant back when he/she said them. You should be able to see when the devaluation began more clearly, and Im willing to bet it was long before you thought, and not related to an isolated incident as some believe. Even without documents, such are the clarity of HGs insights, that I can look back on an incident as far back as StepN and see what was going on-where I made mistakes and where I instinctively knew what to do that was successful in managing him down. I bring this up not to advocate examining things to death about what went wrong etc (that is pointless), but to be better able perhaps to determine peoples intent more in their words vs actions and also from the Ns point of view and not yours to avoid having the same result in future. Listen to your head-your heart is a hopeless charlatan and in some cases it is directing you to yet another.
Hi NA,
I nuked it all! Not one scrap. For real…that damn one pic of that ex stuck in my cloud annoys me but I got this ad I have crossed the sea! For me nuking everything worked best. He wasn’t my family.
However, yes, once that sea is crossed and if one needs the evidence, I think locking it away out of sight is smart. As so not to be reminded, it should be put away. only when self examination is actually do able, long after the sea. I think too many get stuck in the details early in the exit planning and early in leaving. I think Windstorm has those years behind her.
Well I totally agree with you, Narc Angel. But then I’ve always observed and analyzed everything and everyone. A variation in that empath’s need to know and understand, I imagine. And like you I’ve taken what I’ve learned from HG and analyzed my memories back as far I can remember.
Some people can just turn their back and walk away once they break free of the hold the narc had on them. But some of us have an intrinsic need to keep analyzing and comparing. It’s not at all an emotional thing and it’s not being unable to free oneself. It’s more like a worldview. No knowledge or information is cast aside. It may be useful in figuring out some other problem in the future.
Ha, ha!! We’re hoarders, aren’t we? Knowledge hoarders! I like the sound of that! 😝
Windstorm. Knowledge hoarders. I love that term.
I relate to a lot of your thought processes. No, you certainly are not alone. Hugs!
Continued response to Indy:
Thank you for the recommendation to read Exorcism! I saw it on amazon and it looks really like it will be helpful. Will Purchase it next. I’m currently reading HG’s Sex and the Narcissist (first of his books I’ve read) which is making sense of a lot of not only this narc but also my husband’s behaviors.
I’m so grateful that we all have this forum and HG’s openness about narcs so we understand what we are or were dealing with and we know we aren’t alone.
Part 3 of reply to Indy – Forgot to mention what you said in a post to someone else about our nation’s upper Lesser?! lol Feeling the same as you. He is a big orange toddler. It’s horrifying! Won’t rant too much here. But wanted to high five your comment on that. Lol
Happy Independence Day to you!!! For the national celebration but also your first year of No Contact! You took back your life and have stayed true to yourself! 💜
Hi Windstorm2,
I wish I knew what I was dealing with when he’d cut me off and knew that he was hiding potential IPPS. I wish I could ignore him when he came back crying he got dumped but I swallowed my pride and gave in… It was a big mistake when my intuition was warning me that he didn’t give a shit about how I feel or what I’ve done for him before and never did and never will… It makes me angry, sad and hurt these people exist… I hate it but sometimes I can’t help crying how stupid I was.
Mistress
I know how that feels. For me the hardest part was accepting how I’d been tricked and nearly everyone who knew me knew it. The feeling of being so immensely stupid. That’s the worst thing for me. All my life I’ve prided myself on being intelligent, then to be tricked so massively and feel so utterly stupid was almost unbearable. It took me months to recover to the point I didn’t think about it several times a day.
While I am still bothered occasionally by these thoughts, they are infrequent. My way of dealing with them was to study, read and learn as much as I could about narcissism and see my moron for the pathetic, twisted, loser he is. Whenever I think about him, I turn my thoughts that way and feel sorry for him, rather than myself. Also I have focused on myself, my spirituality and things I can do to make my corner of the world a better place.
We all have to find our own way, and we are all different, but that’s what has worked for me. Keep moving forward and you will heal. ❤️
If we could have a decent proper closure, it would’ve been a lot easier to give up holding on and move on for good.
At this point, all I fear is loosing my home. It is what keeps me from legally filing for divorce, because I tried this 2 years ago and was shut down…. we own 2 homes… I mean HE owns the 2 homes, as I am reminded. Still n/c though since Feb. 23 2017, unless it concerns the house I reside in… I have been stripped of everything else… I do not fear him and carry concealed weapon with permit. By law, I can shoot an “intruder” and will not hesitate… how would I know it was him? He abandoned me to live 1800 miles away, your Honor!
Ha, ha! C ⭐️
It’s that way here too! You have the right to shoot any intruder, or anyone if you are “in fear of your life”. Being an old, grey-haired grandmother, I don’t think I’d have a hard time convincing a jury either! And if your narc knows this, it can be a powerful deterant. Hope you never have to actually use it!
It was hope that kept me from going No Contact. I loved him with all my heart, and he knew it. He must have felt very powerful giving me hope and yanking it away again, repeatedly. The numbness that set in was a blessing. It allowed me to bury my hope. That’s when I stopped all communication for good.
hope of a different outcome … I don’t even have to explain why . It’s self explanatory.
My option isn’t up there HG
We share a child and I am low/no contact, however, I only break no contact when he doesn’t deposit money into my bank account or if my daughter cries because he left. I am working on the Core Principal and Zero Impact.
I voted “Guilt” to give you an idea why I didn’t implement no contact years ago with my first ex-HN, as well as with my mother and brother. This last Narc I dealt with, I had no problems implementing no contact whatsoever. As soon as he implemented his silent treatment, which at the time I didn’t realize would turn into what I now know was actually a discard, I thought , “fuck that buddy, two can play at this game”! There was no guilt at all that was going to make me change my mind. However, I will say that I’m also extremely thankful I discovered your site when I did because I felt even more empowered to stay no contact had he tried hoovering me back then. Luckily he hasn’t tried at all, but I’m also seizing the power by keeping the hoover triggers and criteria at an all time low. Thanks HG for helping to get me to where I am today.
Also, I tried sending you a congratulatory message on your ‘5 Million’ article, but unfortunately, it disappeared (I may have even forgot to check – notify me of new comments), so hopefully, this one sticks around – CONGRATULATIONS, HG – You’ve done an amazing job spreading your wisdom around the world and I’ll forever help you by sharing with everyone I know, see or feel who needs your help. I can’t sit back and keep your knowledge to myself when it’s so desperately needed By so many people. Best regards to you 🙏😊💕
Thank you BH.
The fear that I will not be able to love again or to find someone to like so much as i liked him. But I was not happy with him, so in time i have learned that he will never change and neither will I…and my “no contact” got stronger with each attempt to escape. Is the only way…because i am not strong enough to resist his hoover.
I stayed or went back with my last ex because he would cry if I tried to move on. It killed me to see him (fake) hurting and I would get all wrapped back up into him not wanting him to hurt. I never wanted him to hurt. Yes, I feel ridiculous now.
boredom – the need for excitement. That’s my answer lol.
This of course doesn’t apply to my recent ex because he doesn’t matter. This applies to my first psychopath.
Proving I wasn’t everything he had tried to make me out to be. Irresponsible. A slut. A bad parent. Not ready to settle down. I’ve needed to prove that I’m not bad, that I’m not the problem here. That all I ever did was love him with my whole heart and try… try to deal with him, try to overcome the obstacles, try to build our life together. I needed to prove his bold lies were not the case. I couldn’t walk away with the image of me he had left people with.
It was actually my psychopath who instituted a very abrupt No Contact. It was as if I no longer existed; as if I was simply dead. She has never broken her No Contact.
Like Nikki, I had this compulsion to tell the truth about what had happened; to make sure people knew that I was not an abuser from whom the poor, pitiful psychopath had to escape. That was the scenario she chose to portray, and I HAD to try to convince people that, really, the opposite of everything is true!
Nobody really cared as much as did I…
My compulsion to make sure that people knew the truth finally dissolved. I was left with two things: 1) People who saw her as calm and cool and me as “disturbed,” and 2) People who knew the truth all along.
Trying to MAKE others see the truth is a long futility. And yes, I am still simply dead to the psychopath.
This is a very good question, H.G.
I can come up with many excuses as to why I have not implemented No Contact, and dome of them may be a little plausible… Not really though, they are excuses.
I have to be truthful if I’m ever going to get through this, so the Real Reason why I will not implement No Contact is:
I Just Cannot/ Will Not Let Go.
~The End~
Yikes! I hate typos! Such a pet peeve of mine~
*Some of those reasons may be a little plausible*
I wish I would have thought about this a little more before jumping to my answer. Of Course Not wanting to let go is my number one reas on (I guess that follows under the category of Hope)
But I seriously get a lititle rush out of getting under his skin, maybe because I’ve had to endure that for so long, or maybe it’s just the pissed off Empath (or maybe I’m a Narc) Maybe I just feel so shitty about all of this that it feels good to piss him off..I won’t lie, sometimes when he’s going off on me I laugh inside because I managed to piss him off on purpose (not for imaginary things like he does to me)…I’m seriously reconsidering if I’m a Narc. Because really, I shouldn’t be deriving so much pleasure from this.
Jodi Allen,
Part of your last bit sounds like me. I know I have traits, but I never ever imagined or intended any of what happened with him to go this way. I know that its just been on chain of events that he set off. I know the exact night he set it off, too. One could look back on that night and objectively observe that he was tyring to do the right thing and I over reacted or was triggered and wounded. But that night should have been the end of any romantic energy, he should not have then invited and begged me to visit, and more. That night as I know it now was his first discarded and the moment in time when he took full control of my feelings. So over time, I did also get in this strange place where I would say things that I knew would piss him off. Real things. Just like you said versus the fake things he would say to me and make up that would make me crazy. I went for his vein over and over. I spared him nothing and started to enjoy that I could wind him up and piss him off as well. He hung in there for so, so long. Never blocking me until finally, he just did so. And all in that, had hope he would explain, apologize, fix what he had done and try to salvage a friendship. All he then did was make it worse and so did I so there was nothing left at the end, just two extremely wounded people echoing each other back and forth. “This is it! No really! Good-bye! I hate you! You are sick!?
Hi sarabella,
I really identify with your comment, especially when you spoke of waiting for him to explain..to apologize..anything!
The thing is, they will not apologize, they will not explain, and they act like you are being over dramatic if you state your hurt feelings.
I’m up and down, it’s almost been 5 weeks. Some days I feel pretty good, especially when I don’t contact him…but other days it feels like I just left him. This is such a confusing time, but with people like you and everyone in here it makes this horrible time more bearable.
♡♡♡
Jody, this is in response to both of your posts. With regard to your thinking you are a narc… I have wondered the same thing about myself. I don’t want to hurt my narc, but like knowing if I did get under his skin. I don’t think that makes us narcs though. If you were one, don’t you think you’d want to do this to innocent and normal people too, not just the one who has hurt you?
HG, would you say getting pleasure from seeing someone squirm that has hurt us is pretty typical of most folks?
Mary
You are absolutely right! Thank you for your comment. I do like to watch him squirm..but it ends up being at the cost to myself. He has my worldly possessions, and it has been a crazy f-ed up game of cat and mouse until I’m ready to go nuclear on him…H.G. was kind enough to
give me the tools I need in order to get my things. After that, it will be easy to tell him exactly how I feel without fear of retribution, then go completely silent and ghost him. For Good.
Narc Angel
TY~ it’s very easy to be honest in here because this is a positive group of people who are trying to help one another without judgement♡
I think it’s completely normal and definitely does not make you a narc.
Jody Allen
Being that honest with yourself is a good start.
I was worried about my Fathers health and I missed him. He is very ill but since I called him and he came to get something I purchased for him, he hasn’t contacted me. Proving yet again that he doesn’t care about me, only my fuel and what’s in it for him. The sad truth, courtesy of HG Tudor, who is always right.
I wanted …had to “win”. Have the last word, the last shutout. There was the “figuring out” stage but after that it was about winning.
I’ve won.
And due to recent circumstances am finding out its best not to poke a dragon lol!!
Have gone absolutely no contact now…but that’s what stopped me to begin with.
I chose fear..the fear as a result of my codependancy. Codependancy has stopped me. If i could face my fears completely and work thru them i wouldnt go no contact but id handle things way differently. Firsrt id end the affair but try to stay friends because i do love my narc even if his love isnt the same. Id hate to lose him from my life. Next id work on my marriage and see where it goes. Id work more on myself and learning how to improve areas i struggle with like abandonment and the way i think. Learn to be more independant and comfortable with myself.
Codependancy, fear and the fact i love my narc are the reasons ive not gone no contact. Fear being at the top of the reasons but not the only reason.
Narc affair, i’ve been reading some of your other posts and your narc sounds so similar to my ex that i’m starting to wonder if they’re the same person. Is he in his twenties?
I kept hoping that I could do something to make it different. I kept thinking that it wouldn’t always be this way and it would be different in future. I’ve always believed I’m in command of situations if I’m in command of myself… so part of me wanted to be wrong because if I was wrong then I was in command of changing the situation and changing the outcome for the better..
I’ve always been this way and I remembered how my lovely wonderful late father said to me “Debs you can’t win ’em all.”
It was difficult to concede it was out of my hands..
I also felt a lot of guilt because I appeared to be hurting the person every time I was trying to escape.
🐾
He would come back and beg and plead..Why knowing what he was all about did I let him in. Mostly I believe I felt sorry for him. He was loosing everything. His home, his business. HE was threatening
suicide..
Being unable to admit failure. For some of us hardest part is to accept that we were wrong and the person we’ve been loving and defending against all odds didn’t exist, therefore, in a non conscious way, we end up going on. It’s Not because we think the outcome will be different. Deep down we know that it’s not normal and it doesn’t correspond with the person we fell in love with, but in order to not admit to ourselves and to rest of the world how wrong we were we just keep going, hoping we will be able to endure it and no one will realise. Actually hoping the narc will be more careful keeping the mask on. Till it gets to a point were the narc doesn’t even pretend any more when he’s confronted, that’s the point where we see no other option but to accept we failed.
And you know how that ends, supernova and hasta la vista baby;)
We didn’t “fail.” They’re LIARS.
I chose “guilt” but I think “sense of obligation” is closer to the fact. My aging narcissist now lives in a retirement home and refuses to go any further than for walks about the grounds. So, I do my duty as a daughter with infrequent visits to stock her up on small necessities, and do the traditional visits like birthday, Mother’s Day, etc.
I could easily go no contact as I know she has the best of care, but that sense of obligation is still winning out. I am content with that, for as long as she continues to keep visits sociable. Her attempts to manipulate now are clumsy and easy to see through, so they have little effect on me, other than mild irritation. If that changes in the future, I will walk away without a second thought. As cliche as it is to say, she’s made her bed, let her lie in it.
After becoming aware (is there another way to phrase that?), I hoped for a different outcome based on my newfound knowledge, and because I LOVED him.
The outcome was better, but, at too high of a price. The majority (understatement) of my life became about appeasing him, and squashing my emotions.It was all too much, and now it’s over, and for some reason it isn’t a soul crushing experience. I don’t want to jinx myself, but it almost feels like a normal break-up.
Wish me luck, please!
Good luck, ladyeverlasting! 💜 💕 even if you take a step backward, you’ve already taken huge steps forward. And every wave of emotion will be less and less.
It took a long time, until I realised that my thoughts were the truth. He always told me that he needed time for himself, that he had a lot of problems (which was true) and that he had no money at that moment and he felt bad. I gave him a little bit money and stayed considerable for a long time. Then I suddenly realised that there were other women. About four at nearly the same time. One woman from Brazil, one Blondie, one only 10 years younger than his mother and the next IPPS. And he spent my money not for his flat but for a wonderful weekend with Mrs. Brazil. Later I heard they looked for a flat to live in together. And nobody told me about it! Not his mother, not his lieutenants, no one. I left him. Each six weeks I visited him and asked for my money. The first three times he always said: As long as I have your money, you have to come back. And I said: Yes, but I am not interest in you, it is only my money, that interests me. The last time I came he threw me out of his workplace. I provoked him, he put his hands around my neck and I screamed for help. He did not really choke me, but he pretended to do so. And I screamed for the police. Everybody around heard it. A good neighbour of him ran to us and said: “This is really dangerous. Do you have some evidence that he has your money?” I said: “No, that is my problem.” This neighbour said: ” I do not understand that development. You both liked each other so much. I really do not understand it.” Then I left that place and never came back. A long time I was afraid of the narc. I am sure, that he was afraid too. His facade was damaged. They all have heard a woman screaming for help and for the police. And the neighbour saw him with his hands around my neck… Next day the wife of one of his “friends” visited me and I told her, what has happened, the whole “love” story. She listened about 6 hours. She had warned me at the beginning of the relationship, but I did not understand her warnings. It was compared to the financial desaster of others only a little amount of money, that let me go to him again… It is his fate. Money. The second reason to visit him again and again was that I could not believe it. I could not believe how mean he was. I could not believe it.
My answer is not on there. But I have only one Narc in my life, so to speak. And there is this unwritten contract. This is why I can’t go NC.
Ah Oh — I get the unwritten contract. Since first talking with my narc, it felt like he knew me. He of course was mirroring me, and going by what he could draw from my sharing about my marriage lacking affection and my husband having rage issues. He knew from that how much I needed to feel desired, AND he knew I’d put up with abuse already and was still in that relationship. And since the “connection” or bond has developed, it has felt like a contract. Like this magnetic force pulling me to him. I have finally gone no contact, but until I did, each time I tried (usually triggered by his going quiet or him saying something humiliating)… I felt guilty and like I was betraying this person who I was bound to — in a twisted fantasy, but the bond was so real on my end, and he did everything he could to strengthen it. Even now 2 months without contact, I still want him, think of him all the time, fantasize remembering how passionate he made me feel, and at moments I question my own sanity for having ended it without a goodbye. It was necessary, but I miss the good parts, even if they were illusion, they felt so good.
Whatever contract you feel like you are stuck in (saying this to you and myself), you CAN break it. You deserve
Hello Mary!
I believe you must be new on here. Welcome!
I have been hanging around for a year now and I have learned more about myself here than most of my sessions with therapists. Yes, a man who was only in my life briefly (3 months) sent me on this journey. Although I had relationships with narcissistic personalities, i was more in control than not.
Those on the blog who know me enough by my post have figured me out for the most part. An empath I am not. But I am a really cool chick. [8-)
The Narc in my life is none other than HG Tudor. If you read what he writes, and I am sure you do, we are all his now. We engaged with him and now we belong to him whether he wants us or not. It is just one of the rules of the narc.
You are very sweet and caring, I say this because of your response to me. You now be a member of the sister wives club if you like. But I am Queen Bee………always.
Hugs to you Sweet Mary
My reply:
*I thought surely I could not be so unlucky to be involved with a narc (denial)
*I thought he was my night in shining armour at a difficult time on my life which left me vulnerable to his charm
*I really cared about him, but at no point did I say I loved him because I did not (infatuation and interest in a different breed of male)
*I believed his victim carry on and thought I was helping him
*I thought I could fix him and generally wanted to
*I went no contact because I caught him out on lie after lie. It affected my health and I withdrew. It was not a choice but a necessity at the time
*Most importantly I have never felt so close to someone in my life, I now understand this to be familial due to my own childhood
Hope this helps HG
Thank you.
Amazing! I really didn’t think hope would come out first. It’s so funny how hope can be the greatest strength in your life as well as the greatest detriment.
Jesus! Aren’t we the deluded bunch! I voted for a different outcome as well.
Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing but expecting different results.
He used to say I was deluded but it was just a hurtful word. Cause he of course let me to believe it was real and he cared. So I wasn’t deluded. I just had believed him. And funny that when I then called him a liar and a fraud, he went crazy with fury.
So no, I will never call myself deluded. Ignorant, naive, yes. But I wasn’t deluded. I was misled, lied to, conned, toyed with. He created the delusion. He was deluded. My so called delusion was only his put out there in the open.
I know I was just asking H.G. if he thought we were all sicker than the Narcissist…
I have acted so ridiculous this past month (more ridiculous than I ever have in my life) and then I beat myself up about it because I’ve embarassed myself shamlessly…no wonder we get labeled “Crazy Ex Girlfriend” I keep proving it.
:/
This happened to me too, Jody. For months afterwards, I sent truly bizarre messages that swung wildly between sadness, anger, lust, all of it. I must have sounded borderline or histrionic or something. I’ve never done/said things like that, I’m usually more calm and kick back.
Just recently, I realized that all that spinning and rollercoaster ride of emotions was about him but also (maybe more so) about attempting to avoid the pain and trauma of my past that I was thrown into all over again, and all at once, by this breakup.
Jung said that neurosis is the avoidance of legitimate suffering. That’s where my behavior came from. I went absolutely neurotic and insane. It wasn’t just being upset at the current events, but also because I was avoiding truly grieving and facing the deeper issues.
I have done the best that I can as far as no contact. I moved, he followed. I blocked him from Facebook, Instagram and other social media, his lieutenants stalk and forward pictures and text. I blocked him from email and phone, he changed his email and phone numbers. I must maintain one form of contact because of my children. We utilize the court communication wizard. It monitors language and tone but it cannot identify hidden threats disguised in common language. For example, “I will be dropping a present off for the children” despite the fact that he shouldn’t know where we live and there is a no contact order in place. I have made numerous mistakes in the past by responding to hoovers. He still hoovers daily but I have quit responding, which has only served to increase the number and degree of hoovers. My only hope for final no contact will be when the children turn 18, but my therapist told me not to get my hopes up that his behavior will end. It has never been about the children.
Yes, it was hope for me as well. It was because I loved him, deeply. Giving up on someone I love is not something I take lightly. Eventually, I had to love myself more.
I am celebrating 1 year NC, next week (Ironically, Independence Day in the US!) . It took me two months of debating, self doubting, reading HG books, etc. That kept me from leaving. My true friends were annoyed and concerned with me, they wanted me to leave immediately. I then created an imaginary line and told friends (mine, not his) if he crosses it, I will leave. As soon as he crossed that line, I had to break up. Well, he did (within weeks) and I left. Then, I hopped on this blog, to meet a wonderful support group which really helped me remain NC through the withdrawals, detoxing from narc-energy plays and hoover-attempts.
I could not have done it so solidly (IMO) without you, HG, and the gang here 🙂 Thank you!
Seize the power and you are welcome.
Hi Indy! It sounds as though you and I did similar things when ending the relationship. I also gave one final chance and drew that imaginary line. Then went no contact and disappeared. I found it gave a lot of closure and felt like I was taking control of my life on my terms, not his. So thankful as well for HG and all the wonderful people on this blog:)
Hi Star,
Yes! That is how I felt too. I felt I had my closure. I still was hurt as I loved him when I raked him over the coals. When he crossed the line, I went to his home, walked in and gave him my 10 minute break up speech. I got my anger out in a cold and angry manner, and got a few verbal lashes at him while he was hung over with headache. (yeah, fuel, but it was worth every minute) He was weakened and had no fight in him at that point, given the hang-over. I knew this was the right time to do it. He couldn’t talk me out of it at that time. He just sulked and looked angry with hardly a word. Classic mid-ranger.
I walked out of that door, called his parents for good measure (I knew it would humiliate him and they would make sure he would not drink himself to death). His “caretaking” control-freak mother immediately went to his house to “nurse him” back to health (gag) and then called me to tell me she was getting “fluids” in him and monitoring him…(eye roll). She is a cold hearted woman, very matrinarc like. I had her number before I had the ex’s. He resented her and had a lot of anger toward her, so I am sure he LOVED that visit (not).
And the third party hoovers from his family began immediately. He started hovering about 6 weeks later. Then hard core hovering at the 2 month mark. Then, as I maintained my NC, he has faded. Likely has a new supply now. He has not attempted hoover since December (as far as I know).
It is hard, Star, isn’t it? To leave someone with love in your heart. It is an act of higher love to do so(leave), I believe. When you can love someone, a piece of them that we think exists, and realize that “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough”. and let go…..
Hi Star & Indy !
In many ways I wish I’d been able to draw that imaginary line but I just couldn’t . By the time I realised something was seriously wrong my head was in such a terrible mess. . I couldn’t think straight but something was very clear to me & that was that it had to be it’s decision to leave not mine . He did eventually after putting me through years of pure hell, I can’t describe it as anything else .
As a result I still feel I need closure & I don’t know if I’ll ever get it .
Yes he’s hoovered & yes I’ve ignored his attempts but in reality Ohh how I’d love the chance to tell him what I think of him, as you say Indy fuel for him but I can imagine just how you both felt taking back control . 🙂
Well done to you both.
Indy ” High Five ” I hope in two days time you have a HUGE celebration . ONE YEAR . Amazing !
Thanks again for the blog HG as always .
NNS x
Not so sad
Thank you for your kind words. The truth is though it wasn’t easy. It was hard and still is hard. Most days I am so happy and feel so free but there are times when I cry myself to sleep. There are times I wish I could go back in time, there are times when my heart feels ripped open and raw and I still believe that I love him and miss him. There are times I fight the urge to contact him or respond in the way that I know will bring him back into my life( tho logically I know it would be temporary)But I love my family more and I guess my sanity more. Maybe it will always be a fight between what the mind knows but what the heart sometimes feels.
Indy, one year of No Contact is major! In agreement with Not So Sad, I hope you are celebrating and going all out. Hugs! Celebrate your anniversary with yourself as it’s the day you chose YOU.
Hi Mary,
Thank you😊 I’m feeling like I turned a corner this week, a healing milestone and am ever grateful.
Keeping my defenses, as HG always says, as far a a Hoover is concerned as it is the year anniversary and it’s on a holiday. However, The bar is set high now, and I’m strong now and can resist the attempt.
Wishing you a wonderful weekend, Mary.
Well you probably know all mine already, but I will sum them up. I apologize to anyone my reasoning offends.
Basically I agree with my grandmother – probably the most empathic person I’ve ever known. Everybody deserves somebody to love and care for them, even the narcissists. And my life is and always has been full of narcissists. Surely that is for a reason.
I understand narcissists and how to protect myself from abuse. I won’t live with one anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy their company. And I really enjoy intelligent narcs – way more than I enjoy other types of people. They’re witty, well informed and highly competent. I have been fortunate not to be involved with dangerous narcs that I needed to be afraid of.
You say so often, HG, about how narcs believe that we belong to them forever. Well, I believe my narcissists belong to me. They’re my narcissists. We have to play the cards we’re dealt and God has dealt me narcissists. Going no contact would be counterproductive. 😊
Its funny about them belonging to us, too. Its something I have felt. Why any moment I would reach out, he ALWAYS responded. And I never doubted he wouldn’t not respond. Even if he read a message and didn’t reply, that was a response. I also felt he was mine before anyone else’s. Turns out, none of this was true. Just one more bandaid I put on to try to ease the pain.
I keep on breaking no contact. My brain knows everything but my heart doesn’t want to come on board. I literally crave him like a drug. Because of the fact that I know he is a narc I can excuse all his behavior. I want to fix him, love him, give him all the supply he wants. I want him to experiencs love, ease his pain and support him. I want him to be happy and not hurt any more. Unfortunately he discarded me and is not interested in what I have to offer. Also because I am an extreme form of empath I can see no bad in others, I believe that people are inherently good and I love differently, I accept people for who they are and abuse dont really affect me because I can always reason it away. I see only positive in people and can find a reason and have empathy for their behavior, whether you are a serial killer or a rapist. I have never hated anyone in my life before. People I know this sound very disturbing but it is unfortunately the truth. No negative comments please. HG you would probably say that I am prime picking for a narc
So the closest option for me is hoping for a different outcomes although not really accurate. I don’t care about my own hapiness only his
KT
Keep reading here and sharing. Sending you some positive energy ⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️
I have hopes that someday I’ll see his message or call and I’ll be strong enough to ignore it. I feel like then I’ll know I’m healed. I’ve heard a truly recovered alcoholic can be around a drink and not want it. That’s the feeling I look forward to. This blog has helped tremendously, I see who he is and I know who he is, yet it’s a bit like still wanting a drink. Maybe masochistic should have been amongst the choices in the survey. 😂🤔
I got there with one narc in my life. At the time, I didn’t know a thing about hoovering or anything. I hadn’t spoken to him in 2 years. And guess who decides he wants to apologize? I said no, would not meet, no longer needed his apology.
Stupid ME! I actually thought that this last narc wasn’t a narc so I thought he was so sincere. But now that I just wrote that, I realized he used the same lies… needing to apologize to me for being so awful to me decades ago. Damn. I always thought I wasn’t a victim of the “I am changed, a different person” but there it was… though they didn’t use those words, it was implied that I would hear they had changed.
So first narc, when he blew me away by reaching out, I Said no. He erupted in fury at that. And it felt good. Power seized, I was over it. I even had reason to ‘work’ with him briefly and I was entirely detached, indifferent and in full control of the dialogue.
If this narc came back to me, I honestly don’t know what I would do. There is only a 1% chance he would, but I honestly don’t know what I would do. I think if he sent a message, I would just let the message stay there forever, never read, never know what was really in it. And then just pretend to be like him and take my own kind of fuel from it and let that be my only consololation in the end.
Thank god I’ve only had the privilege of being with one. You should plan your course of action because more than likely, he’ll come back around just to see if he can and it might be totally random when you’d least expect it when you’re no longer angry. I’ve been there. Mine always comes back. His last message was to ask me who my dermatologist is. 🙄 I responded but only to give him the name. I wish I hadn’t just to show him what it feels like to be ignored but at least I can say I didn’t take the bait and continue a conversation like usual.
He is not going to, of that I am sure. He is only going to if I speak to him first. Only then could he resume his games with great power which I would then be giving him. I am not worried about him returning. I only ever worry about one day forgetting what he is and thinking he could be normal and decent and then reaching out. Thinking his words had neant anything and he actually did care. That is all I have to worry about. My own actions. But I want to prove to him I do not think of him anymore by not reaching out. I have alot to prove to him and to myself. March 17 was the last day. When I get to a year from now, and not a word from me, then I will be very proud and will feel moved on.
-Fear
-Hope of a different outcome
-Lack of knowledge/information
Not in that order but it was all three. I didn’t get it. Then as I was, I couldn’t believe it. I still couldn’t get it. I hoped it would change. Utter panic attacks that I would never see or talk to him again and that he really had just used me badly again. Revenge rage kept me from turning a cold heart on him.
Now? Why not full NC (I don’t speak to him but look at social media)? I have watched his social media for clues about the other lives he is ruining so that I can keep reminding myself that it wasn’t me. He did a number on someone last year (and another the year before) and I can tell all of what I went through are the same stages she went through by everything she has posted. The one difference is going to be that I am going to stay away forever and she is still connected to him (for strange hard to explain financial reasons, she thought he was a rich guy come to save her life).
I won’t ever talk to him again and any signs he sees of me are going to show me content, living well, and moved on. If I doubt he is watching me, I will have faith he is by words he leaves online that are words I have spoken (I used the word compost, he uses it weeks later in a post. I used the word Jekyll Hyde, he posts about inventing something like Jekyll… things like that). So he is going to see me do well, never hear anything positive or negative from me ever again. He is going to see me be creative and he will always wonder, did I really get over him? Let him wonder although he said he never does and said he never ever thinks of me anymore. Who knows, huh? I am going to assume he is watching so I will leave a window open for him to look through. And it is always going to be on to good things, a good life. This will be my revenge and why I haven’t cut him off from ever seeing my life.
“I will leave a window open for him to look through.”
And what you will learn is that he will never care enough to look though your window…and he wins AGAIN!
But my sense is he has looked based on echos he has left on his page. But I have a much greater point to prove. That all communication avenues are open and I am no longer using them. I am making good on my word of bye. This will bother him but not because he cares. It will bother him because of something he told me once when we were friends and my chat was always off. That bothered him alot. So if that is a pattern, this will bother him because he doesn’t control this anymore. All new accounts and he has no control over keeping me out because he has no need to as I am on radio silence. I am going to show him what he accused me of not doing while he was messing with me, controling myself. Away from him for good. He will see.
I am literally fresh off the boat deciding on no contact, some reasons for waiting was hope and the feelings that person gave me when he toyed with me. He was so good at manipulating I didn’t want to listen to my gut, a lot of times I was convinced my gut was wrong because it felt so right
Amy, I can relate to this so much, not wanting to listen to my gut when it was screaming at me, because my narc was so good at sensing when I was maybe about done, so he’d start pursuing and say things to feed my hope and illusion that he cared. His behaviors were inconsistent, but his words resonated with me so much, it felt like he *got* me in a way no one else had. That made it feel right, even when it got twisted.
How do you feel now that you have gone no contact. How recent was it you made your break?
A lot of it for me has either been a failure to understand that someone can actually be a narcissist. I mean fully blown. Another reason is you feel bad they are, it feels good boosting their ego and making them happy, especially when they share their charm, then you feel special.
My last narcissist dude, I thought of him the other day and so I found him online and thanked him for teaching me I never needed him and for getting fat. Havent checked the account. That’s pure revenge for the pain he caused me, but I’m getting my roller coaster from another guy so maybe I’m sick and kinda enjoy it.
I also like having the last word.
These polls are a superior idea HG!. This one does not apply to me, but I am still most interested in the responses, allowing insight to the other side of the equation.
I voted fear but only because it was the closest to what I feel. I don’t actually feer him. I feer the quietness in my head, the void. I’m addicted to him, the drama, and the chaos. 6 years 24/7. It’s what I know.
And I want to win. I want to conquer him.
HG, do you view those of us that cannot or refuse to implement NC as weak? You praise the ones that do. Do you really have proud feelings for those who stick to NC?
I see no reason why you should not impose NC, it is for your ultimate good. I understand how people have reasons which they believe mean they cannot do so, but they can be surmounted.
I am proud of my readers who implement my work be it to go no contact or as near to that as they can achieve.
Mercy your situation is similiar to mine
Narc Affair
I have read your previous comments and I agree. We have a very similiar story.
And that need to conquer is what they know about you/us. He used to say to stop fighting for him. I wasn’t. But maybe I was fighting to conquer him. Maybe that is what he always meant to say. But I finally realized that I had to accept full defeat even though I could have kept playing and he would have as well. I just folded my cards. Told him I would never get past this, so we are in fact, done. If I didn’t give that up, I would never put him in my past. He won. I lost. And it must have been that much more important to him than me. To run such a win/lose dynamic with me. It was hard to give that up, but so, so much more freeing when it stopped driving any part of my behavior. He became so much more irrelevant when I just walked from the game.
Sara Ella
I agree for the most part but if you got away then I would call it a win. The problem with my need to conquer him is that it’s soooo much work. It’s not the easy feeling you get in a normal relationship even when you are on top. The suppression of feelings and not being able to express myself fully eats me up inside. I am informed and educated about who he is thanks to HG. Now my goal is to work on me. I need the same education about me that I have of him. Then maybe my desire to fix or conquer will be aimed toward myself.
One empath trait I have is tenacity. I do not give up and I will NEVER give up on me.
Oh I know. I also was eaten up by not being able to express myself. I was tormented beyond belief. I am also extremely tenacious. And in the end, this is what I really had to conquer. My tenacity had to be turned into giving up. My desperate need to be heard and validated by him into my validation and standing by mysel was enough. It was never going to end otherwise. He would always throw up just one more obstacle for me to twist and turn on and the only choicr in the end was to let go of the rope. It felt like it went against everything that was right to do that. It was like I was chewing off my own leg. And I was to save myself. Life is not meant to be lived that other way, in so much turmoil, pain and drama. I conquered my own need to win and the rest has fallen in to place. I still am learning and still feel sad if I let me. But he did enough to me, no more. And it did also help that the more I learned about my past and why this happened, I was able to reverse the poor thinking and thoughts that led me to let him in my life. You will get there, baby steps. So much of my fighting was fighting myself anyway. When I put my interests first, it all started to shift. Same with moving the pain of narc mother. Me firsr, notme who has been abandoned by these people.
I’ve only been with mine a year. But I’m the same. I fear the pain I feel when he gives me the silent treatment. The pain I feel when I can’t lay in his arms. I know all the facts and I know I can’t change what he is. I know it isn’t real. Don’t care. Can’t give it up. I’m addicted and withdrawal is too painful. Other men can’t come close to what I have in bed with hom
I understand this too well.
Oh my friend. It will continue to get worse. The longer you stay, the harder the crush will be when one day you find he is gone. Believe me I understand the addiction. I think that is what you need to emphasize with yourself. He is playing pretend with you. A game that gets harder and harder to win the longer you stay in it. Look at my posts under the article called Married Target. I played the game for way too long. It is an addiction. Addiction mixed with love is the worst and hardest sort of addiction. I hope down the road this will be widely recognized in the same fashion alcohol and drug and gambling addiction is recognized. Because they all come down to the same thing. Brain chemistry. Good luck and know that I understand.
Read Sex and the Narcissist.
Mymasterstoy…i feel the very same. The hook is the sex but also companionship. Hes always there for me and i love the time we spend together. Thats whats so f’ed up with this disorder its like a split personality. They can be so incredible and then so nasty at times.
I have siblings I want to keep in contact with – one still lives at home, and the other was just recently married and I wanted to attend his wedding.
I should clarify that the narcissist is my mother.