Poll -What Has Prevented You From Implementing No Contact?
In this poll I would like to know what is it that has stopped you from implementing no contact? Once you realised what you were dealing with and you learned that the most appropriate method of proceeding was to go no contact, what stopped you?
This is not a poll about what we did to stop you, that is a separate consideration, so if it was because we kept hoovering, you live across the street from us so we see you every day, because we threatened you or blackmailed you and so forth, those are not the considerations.
You may well have implemented no contact straight away once you knew it needed to be done. If so, bravo! For most people however there was either a hesitancy for some reason before it was implemented or it has not yet happened for some reason. It is those reasons I am interested in learning about.
It is about your situation and your mind set. Were you concerned that you would have no money or no income and therefore this stopped you? Perhaps you were worried it would impact on your employment? Maybe your health or the narcissist’s health stopped you? Perhaps you just felt guilty doing it and this emotional thinking held you back or you kept convincing yourself there was the potential for improvement or change, the strangling effect of hope.
Even if that hesitancy or delay was just for a minute and then you applied no contact or whether it has repeatedly stopped you doing it, do share your situation in the poll below.
Thank you for participating.
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172 thoughts on “Poll -What Has Prevented You From Implementing No Contact?”
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Lack of information/knowledge. I am not sure “how”.
Willful blindness. Not a choice, so I cbose hope.
I agree..no dating for me! I have a long row to hoe and I have to start completely over again
(I have no car, no furniture, no money and no job)
I hope others see my dire situation and find that they areally in a better place than I am, the bad thing is, it makes me sad to know that there are others who are worse off than I am.I don’t wish this on anyone.
Some days it seems so awful and hopeless and I wonder if the abuse was worse than what I have to deal with now?
I know that it was, and I know in the end that I will be much stronger for all of this. Although I can do without the many other road blocks in my way, I do have the capacity to dig down deep and find my determination and my optimism.
The lesson I have learned is that never again will I give someone my power, my possessions or my purpose.
Time to get mad and fight for myself.
Love and Hugs
Hi Jody Allen,
You are starting from a difficult spot, my thoughts hugs and positive vibes to you! You are very brave and courageous to leave with little more than your own soul. And, that is what you saved, so much more valuable than things. With that said, some of those things are needed items, do you have help? I hope you have someone helping you get connected to resources or offering help. When I left my son’s father(a lesser somatic and an alcoholic), I was 18 and had nothing but my 3 month old baby and the clothes in a bag-I escaped when he was not home as he blocked me in the home when I tried to escape previously. My parents, thankfully took me in. They helped me until I could get a car and on my feet. Because that lesser stalked me constantly in my small town and was threatening, I ended up moving very far away without info on my whereabouts except my parents knowing. It was a long journey to be free from him (4 years after leaving). I’m now in my 40s. This last one, a upper midrange cerebral, was intensely mentally manipulative though the escape was easier thankfully. It is doable, you can make it! I have faith in you, you made it out.
*huggsss*
I’m so sorry for all that you have been through, Indy. Our pasts sound very similar and I can identify with your fear and plight.
What a courageous woman you have become and another great example of the strong women in here, who give us other women (or men) who have lost their power and have not yet found it -hope and sound advice. I love this blog-and I read every comment and story in hope of learning something or to identify with others.
I’m currently staying with my daughter far away from him. I think everyone is doing their best to help me, but I bet I sound a little crazy spouting off about Narcissists and Empaths (lol)
My fog and shell-shock are finally starting to subside. While I’m still hurting at least I feel like my feet are finally touching earth (if that makes sense?)
I feel that things are starting to come together now after such a rough start, but, I thank you so much for asking♡
L&PV’s your way too and congratulations for getting out and staying out♡
Yes, getting mad and fighting is a good idea. I thought today about setting everything on fire and just moving to the coast with the kids and starting over, homeless, and of course, that’s silly, but it was a moment of freedom for me, to imagine giving up life as i know it and just fighting for us for once, no longer caring about the abusers around me. It was a freeing thought. I won’t act on it, just making a note on that as well in case CPS is documenting my online activity lol
We have 2 children together and still “co-own” a business that requires our involvement. He has also made it clear that I will “never be out of his life”. I believe that and don’t want to risk any retaliation against myself, our children or others that I care about.
He’s a master dom. You can’t just throw away that kind of gift. Lol … sigh
I see am not alone in my ridiculousness and my sometimes denial of the truth! 🙂
I chose guilt because we ended relationship amicably.
I am in a healthy relationship now and he has never tried to smear or hurt me 👍
Guilt, for past relatinship only for not going no contact and remaining friends or acquaintances. 😊
It was 100% completely financial
Indy, I love how you said ” to leave someone with love is an act of higher love” so true… 🙂 eventually you realize… you are feeding their sickness, you are allowing them to stay in the same place by your own actions( I hope that makes sense)
Hi Star,
Yes, you got it exactly. By staying we keep them and ourselves stuck. The song Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough always makes me cry because it speaks to that truth. It is a deep sadness mixed with compassion. It now is a painful and oddly delicious feeling(does that make sense?), that I can love and feel it. I can cry again (why am I happy I can cry again? Maybe because I feel human again). My feelings I can feel them again rather than a shadow of them. Jesus, it took so long to get them back. This is a recent development for me, that level of healing. Just sharing, I know you and other folks here understand.
A year!
Cheers to all my fellow travelers hear on this journey of healing!!
Indy
~You are a truly beautiful person, Indy ~
You sound like how I used to feel 5 years ago. You give me hope that I can love the world around me once again.
Thank You
Hi Jody Allen,
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, there is hope! I’m glad you felt that was what I was trying to convey, hope that healing will happen! I’m still healing, though I feel after spending one year alone, not dating and focusing on healing and my journey that it helped a lot.
~Sending healing vibes~
Indy
Indy
Congratulations on your one year no contact. No small feat and an inspiration to others.
NA
Thank you NA, now what will be key is to not repeat this pattern I now realize I have. And, yes, I am glad to be able to offer hope to others that NC and subsequent healing are doable!
Hope you are well up there in Canada 🇨🇦
Meanwhile, our nation’s Upper Lesser is taking up body slamming as a hobby 😂
Hi Indy
Yes, your leader does not appear to embrace the concept of no contact, but I cant say Im sorry to see some of them shook a little. Ours too, but different style (well there was that handshake brace with The Donald….). I came to work for his father Pierre (fuddle duddle) and I am set to retire under Justin so its come full circle for me. Freedom 55 baby.
Hi NA,
It’s interesting, I just finished listening to a view on narcissists in politics. This view differentiated between those narcissists in politics that are effective leaders versus those that are destructive and create chaos. The author noted that many if not all politicians had traits of narcissism though not all are pathological and fully NPD. I liked this distinction.
yes, it can be entertaining to watch Trump. And ridiculous too. He has no filter or subtlety. Oh well…we shall see what happens as time will tell.
I know some support him here, not wanting to stir it up as it is true, many politicians on both sides are narcissistic.
And Ah Oh, you know I still love ya, even if we support different political stances 😊
I am Sad to admit- my dear man— There is/was no reason I hesitate/hesitated! He has put me through some terrible gut-wrenching experiences, broke me financially, appalled me w/new sources (in which they carry extreme diseases), I supported his Lesser-Ass for many years (he just started working) & he has been verbally mean. He has never physically hurt me but emotionally scarred me.
Yet I feel, now, w/zero impact I play a good game. Yes, I know it’s unhealthy.!
Thanks for your outlook & your blunt reads. I do enjoy them.
My hope is maybe just maybe I will be enough for him that he will choose me and want to keep me in his life. That there might be a slight chance that he will realize that I’m the one that will never let him down that I will stand be side him till eternity even after death takes me from this world. That I want to be there for it all to grow old with him to share the good times and the bad times thru the fights and laughs thru the tears and smiles. He is burned into my heart and has become the breath of me. And in my heart there’s this light that keeps burning that the hope I have.
I keep reading to learn to find away to help make things better and easier for our relationship, to understand him better and maybe just make his lashing out less painful .
I have a questions for HG
When I go home how much damage ( punishment) am I looking at ?
If I go no contact, stop getting him to talk to me , will he then talk to me?
To everyone else even the narcissist that never show them selfs
When you went no contact what happen afterwards ?
At this point our only contact is via occasional text. If I ever need anything he almost always comes through.
I haven’t gone no contact because I am married to my narcissist and there is a possibility that if I leave he would find someone better than me. He is a firefighter and would have no problem finding a replacement. He would probably find himself a nurse. Since my job isn’t good enough. And they would hire a maid. Since the house is never clean enough. And I would be stuck raising the kids with just my income struggling financially while he is out there traveling and enjoying life. I would rather stay and make him miserable.
Plus I have been isolated for so long that the thought of leaving and being alone scares me. He is my best friend or my only friend. My life revolves around him.
And I don’t really want to deal with all the drama that would happen if I did leave. Getting smeared. Custody battles. Selling our home.
And the dating world scares me. I might end up with another narcissist.
I convince myself that its not that bad.
If I just keep the house clean then he won’t be a dick.
So I voted for hope.
Hope that someone else will come along and save me. Lol.
Hope that one day I will have learned enough that I leave.
Or hope that it will just get better.
Serena
Well that sounds like a lot of toxicity for children to be exposed to and have to navigate. Better save your hope for when theyre older and realize what youve put them through because your “life revolves around him” and “he might find someone better”.
Read your reasons back.
All of them were self-serving and had nothing to do with your childrens happiness. No hope for a normal life for them eh?
Narc Angel
You are right. Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it.
Causing another human being pain prevented me from going no contact for a very long time. I also became addicted to how he made me feel. Now I realize that he is not a good person. I love doing what is good and what is right. I am happy to have found myself again.
I don’t think I answered this question correctly in my earlier post I stated what finally keeps me and no contact which is you HG. What prevented me from initiating no contact in the past was A. Thinking somehow that I should have done more and not engaged in discussions or arguments with him. B. Confusion ignorance and whenever he hoovered believing his lies. C. Asking him questions of what happened why did he leave and wanting to work it out I felt empty without him I pretty much had lost my identity.
Thanks for asking and thank you for all you do!
All your reasons are as if I had written them myself. How narcissists can evoke exactly the same responses in their targets is so alarming. I’m never going to get these emotions out of my system. And they cannot care, which is all the more confusing, as why would we invest so much negative energy in them when they add nothing to warm, human interaction? I wish I knew what it is all for. I’m so glad I read your comment. I feel really emotionally isolated with these thoughts.
Actually I shouldn’t say how can someone care for a narc because I myself am guilty of it. But after being aware of them and burned is another story. Tred carefully.
I was in no contact at the beginning of so called divorce because I left the house. My husbands attorney accused me of abandoning the home. I’m back now in contact and in my home. That I will lose. Hg is right about these narcs and I can’t understand how after reading so much information about the narcissists can a person have an ounce of care for them. They will leave you with zero. So I sit in my house with my narc and study him. And the fake coming out of him is crystal clear. I have changed for the better and that means for me. Thank you.
Finding you HG. Learning who and what I had been involved with through your books and daily articles. Knowing the truth of all the whys and what they represented from someone who knows it better than anyone else. That has been the only thing that has worked and stopped the cycle which lasted over 10 years and has saved my life. I will always be in your debt and most grateful!!!🌻
Guilt and Hope stopped me for a long time. I kept thinking, What if I’m wrong, What if it’s me, What if I just expect too much, What if I leave him and he really does love me? etc.
Thanks to HG, I was able to work through all that shit and move on with my life.
Hi Indy:) you are so right it is hard to leave with love, but I feel overall it is the healthiest. In the end I delivered a very cold emotionless “injury” to him. But it wasn’t to hurt him or get revenge… I knew it would keep him away for a long enough time to get my bearings again and grow stronger until he decided to Hoover again( which he did and still does occasionally) I guess I also caused injury to him in a way to also prevent further hurt to him( however he feels that) because I realized that by my giving him positive fuel I was feeding his sickness. I just couldn’t be part of that type of situation anymore. But yes it is hard, still hard. I don’t want to go back but I miss what I thought we had. Have a fabulous weekend!!!
Hope of a different outcome/Guilt a close second.
HG, could we please have a section where we can leave five facts about our narcissists (without giving away personal details), so we can determine whether any of us are dealing with the same narc? 😛
I think that it would be both difficult to do with any degree of effectiveness because
a. You would need personal and identifying information to reach a firm conclusion, otherwise it remains open to speculation ; and
b. The chances of it actually being the same person, whilst not impossible, remain unlikely.
I know for instance a few people have read comments and thought that it is the same person and I know that those commenters are on different sides of the planet so it won’t be the same person.
I would suggest you are better realising the similarities of behaviour as opposed to trying to determine if it is the same person.
🙁
It would be so nice, though.
My narc is from a very small country, and there are others victims here who mentioned it.
But as I state, to do it with any accuracy you would need to release private information which identifies people and that cannot happen.
Your are right, of course, I just didn’t want to admit this. 😉
Pity though.
I thought once about phoning one of his ex-girlfriends.
Understandable.
Something inside of me said ” if you end this before Narc want’s to you’re going to get seriously hurt or even killed .
I was too scared to end it but I knew if I told him to go the repercussions would have been far worse .
Very true. When dealing with an npd/sociopath on the end of the spectrum, you wait for them to be done with you. I can appreciate all these dv groups and women’s rights associations and so on, but a bullet travels faster than a cop car to enforce a restraining order, and a restraining order isn’t bullet proof, so i disagree with trying to empower women to leave before they’re really ready, they fully understand the consequences, and theyre ready to go to heaven. However, on the other hand, i am not going to live like a refugee in my own country. So, while there may be consequences to getting one’s freedom back, the cost of being a prisoner is much higher, in my view. 🙂
There are actions one can take to slide outside of target range, though, such as not dating right away, and letting the narcissist/sociopath detach and move on first. That has been the best single move ive done, every time. If one moves on with another guy, or tries to get away and they feel they lost control, they can go insane with what looks like anger but is really just fear. So to be very stable, chaste, single, no men in your life, and so on, until they find someone and get bored, is the best tactic ive managed to work out. If they still mess with you, then just drop hints/”jokes” that you will murder them back. You can be playful about it.
I think “hope of a different outcome” is actually a by-product of “lack of knowledge.” Until we truly understand the narc’s mindset, we go through that period of “How could he do this to me, when he once really loved me?” We want answers and explanations, so we maintain contact to try to get them. We think if we understand what the problem was, we can fix it and go back to the golden period. We think if we show them our hurt and our love, they’ll change their minds. Once we’ve been educated — especially if we’ve been educated by HG — we have the answers to why it happened. (Because he’s a narc. Period.) And going NC is much easier.