Little Acons – No. 10

DON'TTRY.SUCCEED

A series of memes which encapsulates the mind set of the narcissistic parent towards their child result in the creation of the Adult Child of a Narcissist.

Advertisements

23 Comments

  1. It’s interesting reading these posts on narcissistic parents. I only became aware of narcissism after being romantically entangled with a narc.

    I’m pretty sure that my physically, verbally and emotionally abusive mother was a narcissist. My father was another kind of monster.

    They are both responsible for me associating maltreatment and sex with love and caring. They both had polar opposite sides.

    Mom cooked, cleaned, groomed us and herself impeccably. Dad worked, sometimes two jobs, took us on outings and vacations. I am still trying to figure out how it was possible to have these wonderful parental traits, yet be so abusive.

    They are both dead.

    At their hands I developed borderline personality disorder. I’m still trying to get control of my emotions and I don’t think they deserve any more of my soul than they’ve already taken.

    1. Hi MistyN01,

      Good for you on taking the power back! They do not deserve any of your beautiful soul! BPD is a tough journey that only someone with it knows and you are doing it!
      Cheers to you and your healing!
      Indy

      1. Thank you so much, Indy, for the supportive words. It’s hell not having a handle on my emotions, which overcome me, sometimes from moment to moment. I’m learning to stay mindful and to bear uncomfortable emotions, without acting on them. My goals are to set strong boundaries and speak up for myself, while trying to see things from others’ point of view. The hardest thing for me to grasp is the fact that two opposing views can both be right! That was weird. But I’ve got it now. 😊

        It’s going to be a long and hard journey in, but I plan not to give up — staying with the DBT group until I learn to control the emotional storms.

        Very kind of you to reach out! You made my day.

        1. Aww Misty, you made mine!! You said my favorite word–DBT!

          Seriously, you are a brave warrioress! Keep at it!! I still work on DBT skills personally with my emotions and mindfulness skills too.

  2. Oh, Sniglet, what will you do, if you have a child, which is not so intelligent? What will you do then? You mix different things together to a cocktail, which does not taste. If a child seriously tries to do its best and fails despite, what will you do then? Please tell me, what will you do then? Or is it unthinkable, because it is your child? I agree, life is not only fun, everyone has to do his duty. A child has to learn and has to do its homework (for school and a little bit at the household) . It has to be responsible. But it is not there to fulfill your desires of success! We have in our family a lot of very successful people, all of them learnt by their own choice (very seldom with a little pressure). They could learn what they wanted to learn and when they wanted to learn. They all are successful and happy. And if they would not have become, what they are, we still would love them . Because they are beautiful friendly, empathic and lovable personalities. That is, what counts in the end.

  3. A “B” grade is considered failure for my father, and a sign that I’m not intelligent or capable enough to go to graduate school after I finish college. If I get too many, regardless of the fact that he has the money, he won’t give it to me for graduate school.

    I suppose he means well, as Sniglet will mean well if/when she takes this attitude with her own children, but it’s just so much pressure to be under.

    Oh, and BTW Sniglet-you’ve got it backwards. NOT trying is for lazy people. Every successful person who ever lived has tried. By saying your child’s effort is worthless with “trying is for lazy people,” you discourage them from making an effort which, after all, will be considered meaningless to you anyway.

    Example:
    “I’m not good enough to get an A in math, so why even study? Mom will be just as disappointed whether I do or don’t, and at least this way I can enjoy myself beforehand.”

    That approach can also create children like HG, who make up fake accomplishments just to get a crumb of appreciation from you.

    And…I’m not sure if you’ll understand or agree with this, but don’t you want your child to succeed because of their own intrinsic motivation, not just to please you? Don’t you want your child to pursue a career they will enjoy rather than a career that offers more in monetary “success” and bragging rights for YOU but in which they will be miserable?

    Because isn’t the underlying motivation of wanting your child to be successful in life about wanting them to be happy and do something THEY will be proud of? Or maybe it isn’t. For a lot of parents, it’s just about them.

    I’m not trying to offend or insult you…although that’s probably what it will do, and you probably won’t understand. Sigh. This is just the full version of what I started saying to my mother. (I had to stop, because if I continued saying it, I would’ve screamed it. And the image of the well-behaved, good, even-tempered girl that I’ve been building all my life would’ve gone up in flames.)

  4. My parents’ exact spoken words to me.

    My dreams of being an actress started at age 4. Mother said absolutely not and your career must be dignified and at high level – so I obliged.

    On the day of my acceptance to university into the course I specifically prepared and gained entry, my aunt wanted to happily make the announcement until stopped in her tracks by my mother’s reply with “wait, I have news of my own which is xyz” Reaction to my news was “oh, okay! well done”. The aunt, however, was truly shocked at her lack of response.

    Anyway, personally these meme words are not negative and when I have a child one day, he/she will hear them from me the same way without a doubt. I would probably add that trying is for lazy people. Work/study first, pleasure second!

  5. For me and what I taught my sons was TRYING was succeeding. But you must try at the best of your ability. If you feel you could do it, than you must try it again if this was a goal for yourself.

  6. Perfection is the only option. The unattainable conditional love. Very sad 🙁
    The best success is one with a parent’s unconditional love behind it. That success can be fully enjoyed.

  7. No, it did not depend on her mood, but on her aims. When she needed a successful daughter, she pressed me. When she needed an average daughter, she pressed me.

    1. Hallo Indy, yes, I agree with you in many ways. It was the spirit of the time too. My mother and your parents were influenced by it. Not everything was their / her fault.Women were not allowed to be successful.We should not forget that.
      On the other hand please do not belittle the negative influence your parents have had on your life..You missed 70 days of school each year. That is enough to say, they were not the best parents of the world and they did not support you enough. Please take a honest look at it. It was very painful for you and there is no excuse for it. . We have to integrate the pain we have experienced . Please do not deny the bad things in your childhood. It is very important to look at it. You know best (because of your profession) how painful that is. Please be very, very careful to yourself and develop (if possible) some other traits like anger too. It is allowed! A little bit is enough. ( I do not want to see a total changed or fully different Indy.) But just a teaspoon of negative traits will protect you and help you to find your tribe. Hugs and best wishes to you.

      1. Indy, I hope I did not sound in “I know it all manner”. That was not my intention. I really wish you the very best- but there are still enough bad people out there – and they do not care, whether you are a good person or not.

      2. Hi Mona,

        No worries at all. I think your perspective is spot on in my case. I had to learn how to express anger. BYW anger is not a negative emotion, it’s healthy 😊Indeed, I was abused and traumatized in my childhood, no question. I’m highlighting that abusive parents come from many places, not only narcs but those with other mental illnesses. My mother was clinically depressed and my dad was likely schizoaffective though brilliant. I was physically, emotionally and educationally neglected and abused. I spent over 20 years in therapy in adulthood and in soul searching, I know you do not know this, just sharing..I spent years angry and depressed and muffled (by my own poor coping). Both of my parents have died now. I found peace in their final years. My mother changed with time as did my father. Mellowed a lot. My mother apologized for those years. (She was severely abused as a foster kid and died with great dignity and beauty when she overcame depression and PTSD). It doesn’t erase what happened to me, no, though I have processed a lot of it over the years, I still am, though, as you are right, in that it always is with us and when we reinact attachment issues in romantic partners, we get into these type of relationships-with toxic people (including narcissists).

        It helps to be reminded that our pain was real and our work is always there. If I seemed to minimize my own abuse, I need to look more deeply to see if I am indeed doing this more than I thought.

        Thank you, Mona

        Hugs and positive vibes back 😊 And thank you for this as I do need these reminders. Sincerely.

  8. My mother`s motto was: Don`t succeed. Try.
    The meaning behind: You never should be more successful than I was. In my early childhood she was proud of my successes, then she started to belittle them. I was not allowed to talk about it, that would have been not modest enough. I had to be modest, modest, modest. Other children became a little money for a good exam. She said, you always have a good exam. We do not have enough money to pay for it. That was not true. She could have given me a small present. It was always a little bit twisted. On one hand a good exam was important for the facade, on the other hand there was a lot of envy and the hidden message (if you are too successful, I will not love you anymore) . Later she changed it into : If you are too successful, nobody will love you. I should be successful and I should not be successful. Later I had big problems to find my way. It depended on her mood, whether I should succeed or not. Now I am there, where she wanted me. In the middle. I struggle each day with me. I am afraid not to succeed and I am afraid to succeed.

    1. Yes, Mona, our experiences were very similar. Even to the part about getting some money for good grades. My friends got paid for each “A” they made. When I asked my mother if I could have the same she said, “You make too many A’s, we can’t afford it.”
      One year we would get a grade sheet for each subject, every quarter. That year I made all A’s, each time. On the back of each sheet parents had to sign to show they had seen the grades. My mother would take my packet, flip it over, pull out all the sheets, sign them and slip them back in the packet without ever turning them over to see the grades!!! When I asked her dont you want to see how I did? She said, “Why? You just made all A’s again.”
      It was a petty small thing that makes people laugh to hear it now, but it had a devastating effect on me that year.

      1. But there was that duality that you all mentioned. I won at least one award each year thru 8th grade. My mother framed all these awards and hung them all in one wall so everyone who came in the house would see them. Of course this was for her own fuel from others, not for me. Narc parents expect you to be successful to reflect well on them – but not too successful. They have to keep you down so they feel better about themselves.

      2. Windstorm and Mona (hugggss)
        I wish your parents realized your inherent beauty instead of blind expectation and diminishing your brilliance. This is how we are taught (especially as women)- to be demure, discouraged to succeed while fucking expecting success It is a loose-loose. If we are proud of our achievements we are boastful, if we do not highlight them, we do not have enough motivation….we are even beat up by other women when we are proud of our successes. We are “too big for our britches”.

        My family were not narcissists though still not emotionally present and I was neglected educationally…I missed on average 70 days of school a year because they didn’t have the energy to get me up at age 7 to get dressed and go to school. Later, I skipped on purpose, but that’s another story lol When a teacher suggested to my parents at age 12 that college is in my future, and she brought me to Dartmouth College for a workshop for kids to get exposed, my parents discouraged it. “No, people like us do not go to college, can’t afford it.” That was all I needed from them to do the opposite. (My personality) With a child at 18, I went to college and was a mother at the same time. No one would stop me! They were proud of my accomplishments at latter years, they didn’t have to pay a dime. Worth every one of my dimes. Now, I see why a draw narcissists. I too was searching for that perfect loving parent in a partner to heal those years of absent parents. They were not sociopaths and did not have intentional malice, still they helped me debelop a hole in me too that I look to have filled. Now, I’m looking to fill it with me, and hope in goodness and beauty in this world in others…..(I’m rambling)

        I see glimmers of it, especially in nature. Now with people, it will take time to trust deeply again. I hope I can find my tribe again.
        I feel you know what I mean.
        ***hugsss****

  9. I wanted to study art and my mother did not support me. Decades later, I asked a direct question about it, why not. She said, “Because I didn’t think you would be any good.”

    Fast forward and I began to put my art online. At the time, )we were FB ‘friends’. She would comment, “Beautiful as always.” Only after seeing people comment that I am gifted and have alot of talent (and most is natural that with training… ) wouldnshe compliment.

    Bitch

    1. Sarabella…this reminds me of my daughter she wants to be a model and artist. I dont squash her dreams and build them up but i do want her to have other career ideas to back those up bc in reality its very difficult to make it as a model or artist. Shes only 12 so she has plenty of time to decide. Im sorry your mother didnt back up your dream to be an artist. Its a good reminder that our children are seperate individuals and to be respectful of their aspirations. The narcissistic mother doesnt acknowledge it unless its their dream for their child and usually something they themselves wanted to achieve.

      1. There is a huge difference between being financially prudent with life, and recognizing your daughter’s natural talents. I also danced. She never ever showed up to support me at any practices or rehearsels. The only thing she said at the end of a dance performance that took immense courage for me to participate in, and it was to someone else, was, “I didn’t think it would be so good.”

        Now the GC sister …..

Vent Your Spleen!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.