Irresistible

irresistible

 

Can you hear me knocking? Open the door and let me in? I know you want to. It is only me. You know me. You know me better than anybody else. Come on, I know you are thinking about me. That is what happens. I am on your mind and in your thoughts. I am whirling around in that messed-up mind of yours. It is messed up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never do. It was a real state before I even appeared. I just took advantage. But look, that is in the past and we don’t need to talk about the past (expect I suppose when it suits me). I know you want to hear my voice again don’t you? You miss hearing me. You miss those long conversations on the telephone that we used to have, two hours or more where there was never a lull. I know you remember them. I know you keep looking at your ‘phone hoping that it will ring and that it will be me. I know you feel a phantom buzz when you have stashed your phone on your person and you keep pulling it from your pocket and checking. You tell your friends that your mother needs to speak to you, just so they won’t groan or roll their eyes at you for wanting it to be me. I know you are itching to call me. Go on, why don’t you? You can speak to me again and it will be just like before, all of the wonderful stuff. I will reinstate it in an instant because look, I have had a lot on, I have been tired, I have been worried and so on and so forth blah blah blah. I will trot anything out because once you see me smiling at you, you won’t be listening any more.

No, you will be thinking back to that kiss as we stood in that park with the sound of the breeze through the autumnal trees. That first kiss after the days of flirting through text and call. That magical, marvellous, mesmeric kiss. The first of a million. One in a million. I know you close your eyes and stand in that park and allow yourself to be taken back to that time a year ago. That day when we both drove there and met beneath the towering trees, the September sunshine still warm and I stood there, my magnetic smile on display as you half-ran towards me and I took you in my arms and then we kissed. Imagine doing that again? Oh you have of course. A thousand times.

Send me a text. You may as well. I will answer you and I will put a kiss on the end, just to tempt you. I know your heart will surge when you see that and all thoughts of staying away from me will begin to evaporate on seeing that. Text me. Just one text. It is easy enough. I know you haven’t deleted my number despite the promises you have made to do so. You just could not bring yourself to do it.

Call me. Ring me up and tell me what a bastard I am. Go on. Unleash that anger. Let it out. How many times have you sobbed to your friends about what I did to you? What a cruel and heartless bastard I am. I do not deserve you do I? No, but I deserve being told what I have done to you. You need to get it off your chest don’t you? You should. Go on, just press that button and I will answer you and you can let rip at me. Hey, even better, why not suggest we meet up and then you can have that show down that you have always envisaged. I know you have thought through all the things you have wanted to say to me but feel that I prevented you from saying when I just disappeared and then ignored your frantic attempts to get in touch with me. Tell me how broken I left you. Tell me how your friends hate me too. Tell me how your brother is going to batter me. Go on, I know that anger is still raging through you and you need to let it out. Surely after everything you have put up with you are entitled to one last hurrah?

Make that call late at night. I know you are lying in the dark thinking about me, hands entwined around the shirt I left which still smells of my scent. You know you ought to throw it away or burn it but you just cannot do it can you? You still want that connection. You still want to be able to inhale my fragrance and somehow relish the agonised joy as your mind is flooded with my memory. It is a lonely place now that bed isn’t it? Why not send me a text and we can exchange some saucy messages? Rekindle that fire again. It will make you feel better. I might even be tempted to come and see you and take you in your bed once again and let you experience the magic that I possess. The sex was brilliant wasn’t it? I know you cannot lie about that. I have heard what you have said to people about how you hate me but the sex was off the charts. Let’s do it again. Why not? It will make you feel so much better. Just text me, ring me, message me. You just have to reach out because I know you are dying to.

You may as well flick through those pictures again and smile with regret and longing as they evoke all those momentous times from when we were happy together. So many pictures, so many smiles. Have a look at my Facebook profile again. I did not block you. I would not do that. I want you to see how I am doing. Those messages are for you by the way. I am sure that the cryptic comments that I have posted with those pictures will have been picked up on by you and considered and reflected on. Those were for you. I wanted you to know how much I am missing you and you need your daily fix of stalking my social media. Yes, there was somebody else and I know you will have seen and been distraught to know that she was now receiving my love, my perfect love. How that must have burned inside of you as you realised that somebody else was now the recipient. I knew you would but don’t worry, she isn’t a patch on you so why don’t you come and see me and we can start it all again. I know you want to.

Come and see me. Help me. You are the only one who truly knows me. You know more about me than anybody else. The others, huh, they meant nothing to me. They were aberrations but you, you are the real deal. I love you still. I always have. Just come and see me and I will prove it to you. I will make the changes you want me to do and I know you believe in me. You see the good in me don’t you, you are the one who can let it out and help me. Please help me. I just need to be fixed and you are the one with the tools to do it. There is only you. Please don’t let me down. I need you. I will change. I will be better. I promise. Just come and see me and give me the chance to show you. That is only fair isn’t it? You are a fair person, I know you are, that is why I love you so much.

Come on, just get in touch with me and all this pain can go away. There is no need for it. You just need to press those buttons, dial that number or best of all just turn up. Imagine how romantic it will be. You turning up unexpectedly (but not really) in the rain and I sweep you into my arms again and everything will be good and golden and great once again. Do it. Do it. Give me the dressing down. Come to bed with me. Kiss me again. Tell me how you feel. Offer me forgiveness. Let me know what has happened to you. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Do it. Do it. Get in touch. Reach out. Stop the pain. End the hurt. Bring back the joy. Resurrect us. Ignite the passion. Let love reign. Do it. You can do it. I believe in you. End this agony. Let it go. Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.

I can hear my ‘phone ringing.

214 thoughts on “Irresistible

  1. Sandra says:

    Hi, Love. Hey, no judging here if you thought cow = moose. I can’t tell a Ewan from a Ewen.

    I wasn’t looking for a Scot at all..point is, he was looking for me. Now here we all are.

    1. Love says:

      Here we are indeed. Oh and I cannot hear the difference between the words ‘six’ and ‘sex’ in a Scottish accent. Both sound the same to me. I avoided asking the time and price for that very reason. 😀

  2. Sandra says:

    Wow. Cheeky group. Cathartic to be able to relate to the vitriol and actually laugh at my shitshow…

    Five days since my Escape and NC. To be fair, he’s on an island with limited data access haha. Feeling safer tho. Taking the blessed head-start to read old posts and comments here and bolster my resolve.

    Amidst the jokes, some epiphanies were rained down too.

    I fell for a 45 year old Edinburgh NED. Boo. The people there are lovely but now I think he’s turned me off an entire nation. And Trainspotting is not where you should set the bar for a lover anyway. Thought I was getting Ewan MacGregor…turns out I had Ewen Bremner.

    Music is difficult for me right now. When NED seduced me, I resisted a long time and he sent me link for Labyrinth’s “Beneath Your Beautiful” For fuck’s sake…I caved. Any poignant song will bring me down so I’m off music for a bit.

    Thanks for making me smile today, guys. Best wishes to all for a successful NC day.

    1. Love says:

      Sorry you had that experience, Sandra and great job on NC! Loved Trainspotting T2. Loved Edinburgh. Absolutely love Scottish cows. Saw one from a distance and mistook it for a moose. But up close they are adorable! Maybe the men get better further north – perhaps in the Highlands? Everyone raves about Outlander.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Mistook a cow for a moose?!

        1. Love says:

          Lol it was huge and had horns! And it was far away and I am near sighted. I do not live in Texas, so most cows I see are horn-less.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            It might have been a dragon you know.

          2. Love says:

            Yes. It very well could have been. Good thing I didn’t walk towards it and try to feed it.

  3. NarcAngel says:

    I heard that!

    If you dont want sexual innuendo, dont leave so many golden dangling carrots hanging about.

  4. jenna says:

    I’ve always found this article itself irresistible.

    1. Agree :). But there’s no one I want to call at the moment.

  5. Matilda says:

    Been there, done all of that. And now, I just appreciate the silence. When he breaks into my silence every now and then, I ignore it. I have nothing more to say to him, so, No Contact is easy.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Seize the power.

      1. Matilda says:

        I do. Feels good 🙂

    2. RS says:

      The more post that I read of HG’s, the more I dig my heels in and refuse to ever be dragged back into that mess again!

  6. Mary says:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AdFrySjo_Ks

    Christina Aguilera -Walk Away

    1. RS says:

      I need to look up some more song from Christina Aguilera – I really like her voice and style. While being with the sociopath I felt exactly the same way she sings about. I’m so glad I am out! That is no way to live.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Was that Dirty or as a Genie in a Bottle?

        1. RS says:

          I felt like a Genie in a bottle. When he rubbed it, the “dirty” came out. 😉

        2. MLA - Clarece says:

          Both!!

          1. RS says:

            😄👍🏻

        3. RS says:

          I’m probably missing the meaning to your answer/reply.

        4. RS says:

          My mind can turn any sentence into something sexual. I wish I could stop it, but I can’t. 😉

          1. HG Tudor says:

            You’re not Narc Angel’s sister are you?!

          2. RS says:

            My father was a sociopath so you never know how many other brothers and sisters I have out there!😜

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Something to think about.

          4. RS says:

            Indeed!

          5. RS says:

            This is my favorite song at this particular time. I wish I knew how to share the video but here are the lyrics “DONE.”

            You’ve been wearing that crown and tearing me down
            It’s been a while since you’ve treated me right
            You strung me along for far too long cause I never gave up the fight
            Until now

            It’s gonna hit you hard ’til you see stars
            It’s gonna put you through a world of hurt
            Oh, I don’t believe in getting even but giving what you deserve
            Oh my, oh my, huh.

            Mama always told me that I should play nice
            She didn’t know you when she gave me that advice
            I’m through with you
            You’re one bridge I’d like to burn
            Bottle up the ashes, smash the urn
            I’m through with you, la dee da

            I don’t wanna be your “just for fun”,
            Don’t wanna be under your thumb
            All I wanna be is done
            Done

            You crossed the line too many times,
            I’m gonna put you in your place
            You play with dynamite, don’t be surprised
            When I blow up in your face
            Oh my, oh my, huh.

            Mama always told me that I should play nice
            But she didn’t know you when she gave me that advice
            I’m through with you
            You’re one bridge I’d like to burn
            Bottle up the ashes, smash the urn
            I’m through with you, la dee da

            I don’t wanna be part of your fun,
            Don’t wanna be under your thumb
            All I wanna be is done

            (Done) with your selfish ways
            (Done) and all the games you play
            I’m through with you and everything you say

            Ta!

            Mama told me that I should play nice
            She didn’t know you when she gave me that advice

            Mama always told me that I should play nice
            But she didn’t know you when she gave me that advice
            I’m through with you
            You’re one bridge I’d like to burn
            Scatter the ashes, smash the urn
            I’m through with you, la dee da

            I don’t wanna be your “just for fun”,
            Don’t wanna be under your thumb
            All I wanna be is done
            All I wanna be is done
            Ugh!

            Hey, hey, hey , hey ooh,
            I wanna be done (so done)
            So done (so done)
            So done

        5. Indy says:

          I Love Christina Aguilera’s voice!
          When I need to support certain emotions more, I use certain songs. I used to
          Have a hard time with expressing anger.
          Fighter is good when you wanna feel that anger vibe. Beyoncé has some good anger songs too, particularly Don’t Hurt Yourself.

      2. AH OH says:

        https://youtu.be/qRVtd_X7AFU

        For you RS! I loved the one you posted from Jennifer. Thanks for the memories.

      3. Mary says:

        AH OH… omg so glad you posted this! “Various Storms and Saints” became my favorite Florence song when she put out her last cd. The lyrics fit my marriage AND the narc entanglement even moreso. It’s a fitting song in any situation that calls for self-forgiveness. Every lyric. And the melody, her vocal is so haunting and vulnerable. 💜💜💜 Florence!!!!! And the fact that this track leads to “Delilah” makes it even better.

        1. RS says:

          I will definitely have to look these song’s up! Thank you Mary.😘💜

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Indy,

        I fucking loveeee “don’t hurt yourself” lol!

        1. RS says:

          I will have to look that one up!

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        https://youtu.be/iy9KpprZRJA

        You maybe king for the moment
        But I am a queen understand
        And I’ve got all your pawns, bishops and castles all inside the palm of my hand….

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        https://youtu.be/Vi9BS9wBCwU

        Milk it for all it’s worth
        Make sure you get them first
        The apple of your eye
        The rotten core inside
        We are all prisoners
        Things couldn’t get much worse
        I’ve had it up to here
        You know your end is near
        You had to have it all
        Well, have you had enough?
        You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve
        When all is said and done
        I will be the one
        To leave you in the misery and hate what you’ve become
        Intoxicated eyes, no longer live that life
        You should have learned by now, I’ll burn this whole world down
        I need some peace of mind, no fear of what’s behind
        You think you’ve won this fight, you’ve only lost your mind
        You had to have it all
        Well, have you had enough?
        You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve
        When all is said and done
        I will be the one
        To leave you in the misery and hate what you’ve become

        … heaven help you…

        Well that was therapeutic – Don’t mind me purging some rage lmao 😂

  7. Renee says:

    Holy f*ck…..it never ends

  8. Maia says:

    Hi Mary, thanks for sharing the lyrics and link to the video. I hadn’t heard it before and I agree, it’s very apt.

    I love the line:

    “Cause now you’re the train
    And I’m tied to the track”

    Very visual!

    But I disagree with the line:

    “I’ve got nothing left”

    I actually have way more than I had when with him….

    I have knowledge
    I have power
    I have peace of mind
    I have self respect
    I have my sex drive back
    I have self love
    I have freedom

    Admittedly, it didn’t feel like it at the time, but I feel so rich and blessed right now.

    I was out walking my dog this morning. It’s a beautiful sunny day here. I stopped to rest on a bench, gazing up to a bright blue sky filled with gently drifting white fluffy clouds, and a big smile crept across my face as an intense feeling of joy rose up in my heart. And I whispered, “I’m free!”. 🙂

    1. RS says:

      I feel the same, Mary. Not having to deal with the drama and nonsense anymore. Having self respect, peace of mind and self love back. . . it’s priceless!

  9. Maia says:

    Ooops * beautiful person inside and out

  10. Mary says:

    While on the subject of song lyrics, has anyone ever heard “Dangerously” by Charlie Puth? I used to tell my narc that he had awoken me…

    This is gonna hurt
    But I blame myself first
    ‘Cause I ignored the truth
    Drunk off that love
    It fucked my head up
    There’s no forgetting you

    You’ve awoken me
    But you’re choking me
    I was so obsessed
    Gave you all of me
    And now honestly
    I’ve got nothing left

    I loved you dangerously
    More than the air that I breathe
    Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going
    Didn’t care if the explosion ruined me
    Baby, I loved you dangerously
    I loved you dangerously

    Usually I hold
    The power with both
    My hands tied behind my back
    Look at how things changed
    ‘Cause now you’re the train
    And I’m tied to the track

    You’ve awoken me
    But you’re choking me
    I was so obsessed
    Gave you all of me
    And now honestly
    I’ve got nothing left

    ‘Cause I loved you dangerously
    More than the air that I breathe
    Knew we would crash at the speed that we were going
    Didn’t care if the explosion ruined me
    Baby, I loved you dangerously

    You took me down, down, down, down
    And kissed my lips with goodbye
    I see it now, now, now, now
    It was a matter of time
    You know I know
    There’s only one place this could lead
    But you are the fire
    I’m gasoline

    I love you, I love you, I love you

    I loved you dangerously
    More than the air that I breathe
    Oh now, knew we would crash at the speed that we were going
    Didn’t care if the explosion ruined me
    Oh, baby, I loved you dangerously

    Video is here if you want to listen.

  11. Maia says:

    Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri

    No, I can’t take one more step towards you
    ‘Cause all that’s waiting is regret
    And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
    You lost the love
    I loved the most

    I learned to live, half alive
    And now you want me one more time

    And who do you think you are?
    Runnin’ round leaving scars
    Collecting your jar of hearts
    And tearing love apart
    You’re gonna catch a cold
    From the ice inside your soul
    So don’t come back for me
    Who do you think you are?

    I hear you’re asking all around
    If I am anywhere to be found
    But I have grown too strong
    To ever fall back in your arms

    I’ve learned to live, half-alive
    And now you want me one more time

    And who do you think you are?
    Runnin round leaving scars
    Collecting your jar of hearts
    And tearing love apart
    You’re gonna catch a cold
    From the ice inside your soul
    So don’t come back for me
    Who do you think you are?

    And it took so long just to feel alright
    Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
    I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
    ‘Cause you broke all your promises

    And now you’re back
    You don’t get to get me back

    And who do you think you are?
    Runnin’ round leaving scars
    Collecting your jar of hearts
    And tearing love apart
    You’re gonna catch a cold
    From the ice inside your soul
    So don’t come back for me
    Don’t come back at all

    And who do you think you are?
    Runnin round leaving scars
    Collecting your jar of hearts
    And tearing love apart
    You’re gonna catch a cold
    From the ice inside your soul
    Don’t come back for me
    Don’t come back at all

    Who do you think you are?
    Who do you think you are?
    Who do you think you are?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am HG Tudor. Pleased to meet you.

      1. Maia says:

        And you too HG.

        Both me and his ex sent this to him. He was furious! He hates that we have become friends. It was when she was coming to stay with me and I told him if he turned up I’d shut the door in his face that he finally discarded me. RESULT !!!

      2. RS says:

        Yes, HG, this song was written precisely for your kind.

      3. RS says:

        Perfect response from your kind.

    2. RS says:

      This is one of my favorites songs. I used to play it all the time thinking she must have written this song about a narc or sociopath that she was involved with. The one scene where it looks like he is trying to suck her soul out. . . THAT! THAT is what they do. That song still makes me cry.

      1. Mary says:

        RS,
        After reading your comment, I watched the video for the first time. I’ve got the song but had never seen this. WOW. Yes. THAT is exactly what they do. Very powerful and dark imagery.

        1. RS says:

          I know, right?!!!!

      2. mistynolan01 says:

        RS — yes it’s a book, One of many that he has written. If you haven’t done so, also suggest reading “fuel” — That book made it all make sense.

        1. RS says:

          I bought it yesterday and can’t wait to hold in my hands! 😊

    3. Kim says:

      Maia, I used to love that song, but never really analyzed the lyrics in light of my Narcissist! It’s spot on, isn’t it! Thanks for sharing the lyrics.

      1. Maia says:

        You’re welcome, Kim. I still love the song… it makes me feel powerful.

    4. Mary says:

      Hi Maia:

      It’s AWESOME that you are friends with his ex. Not only seizing your own power, but joining forces. Good for you both!

      Love “Jar of Hearts” – the lyrics describe the narc dynamic perfectly.

      1. Maia says:

        Hi Mary, I dutifully listened to all his woes during their on-off relationship as he played the victim and made her out to be the nasty one. I didn’t like her at all from what he told me. Then after stepping into her shoes I saw him for what he is and wrote to her. She had been tempted to contact me many times but didn’t think I’d believe her. I wouldn’t have in the early days. She is actually really lovely, a bea6 person inside and out, and it’s been great to swap stories and support each other.

  12. Echo says:

    I’ve been practicing, and I think I’m starting to get good at saying it: “No.”

    1. Indy says:

      No small feat, Echo!! That is awesome!

      1. echo says:

        Thank you Indy 💜 I appreciate hearing that.

  13. A.R. says:

    I can hear the singing trance of Ka the snake in jungle book “trust in me, just trust in me”
    While the coils spin & turn tighter & tighter.

    I do like to toy with certain ideas….I give myself a moment, a naughty smirk & that’s the end of it.

    The hypnotic seduction has to date been my downfall. I have through many of HG’s articles found my part in the many narcs I have attracted.
    And “playing the tape through” is a constant reminder of where the first contact will get me.

    Of course on the other hand if the first contact comes with an arrogant English accent, I may have to reconsider lol!

    1. RS says:

      I LOVE English accents!!! That is how I got tangled up with the one I was seeing. I hear it and immediately, my heart starts pounding. When it is sarcastic and dry witted. . . puts me over the edge, I will do whatever they want.

      1. M. says:

        I totally aggree,RS. English accents are sexy and I generally find English men sexy, although, funnily enough, I had never had an affair with one. I could never find anything sexy in a guy that speaks French-in my mind, this is a language for women (I know, this sounds stupid, but…).

      2. mistynolan01 says:

        RS — never particularly cared for English/UK accents, but after listening so often to HG’s audio on YouTube, I changed Siri’s voice on my iPhone from an American woman to a British guy, but his voice does not compare to HG’s. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more sexy voice. **Sigh**

      3. Narc affair says:

        Funny the mention of accents the narc i was with yrs ago was from liverpool. The accent was a phase i went thru and was mesmerized by it lol i look back and realise it was just an accent nothing more he was still a midrange narc. I enjoy accents but i dont get all lovesick over it like i did back then.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It’s an awful accent.

          1. RS says:

            What part of England is your accent from? It’s very refined.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Albion.

          3. RS says:

            I have to look at a map. I’ve only been to England. Twice.

          4. MLA - Clarece says:

            Tsk, tsk HG

          5. HG Tudor says:

            I don’t follow.

      4. Narc affair says:

        Lol i still like it but its just an accent now 😄

      5. ballerina9 says:

        I hear you! Mine had a British accent too. Same as HG’s in fact. And was as eloquent as HG as well. I didn’t stand a chance! 😢

      6. Love says:

        The Liverpool accents I heard sounded more Scottish to me. FYI, Edinburgh accents are much softer than Glasgow. I was expecting much rougher speak. Oh and I also learned Mel Gibson’s Scottish accent in Braveheart was terrible. 😀

      7. Narc affair says:

        My ex thought he was george harrison lol just bc youre from liverpool does not make you a beatle 😄 he also used the fact his grandpa played for the liverpool football team and was a famous goalie as part of his seduction spiel lol its funny to look back and see how nonimpressive the initial impressive was. Still i fell for his longer hair rugby type look. His veneer wore off quickly. I now see past everything his accent included and im embarressed for him.

  14. gabbanzobean says:

    Every word. On point. You’re in all of our heads.

    1. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

      Yes, gabbanzobean, he is. But the beauty of what HG has done is that now we can be in the narc’s head. (It’s a scary place, but very illuminating.)

  15. Narc affair says:

    ” End this agony..” ..thats exactly why ive failed at every nc. The emotional pain has been so awful and trying to keep my life going while dealing with it is impossible. Nc would be much easier if a person could go on a couple month vacation to detox and distract from the stress of battling the withdrawals and juggling everyday life.
    This dialogue is more our own dialogue than that of the narcs. We say this to ourselves and end up botching our recovery. Inner dialogue is so potent. Everytime the narc enters your mind distract. Eventually it becomes automatic to where you think of them less and less. Easier said than done tho.

    1. RS says:

      True

    2. NarcRecoveryGal says:

      I have used another technique…. recounting all the “good” moments from a third party’s view. All the wonderful moments become twisted and imaginary when told as a novel recounted by someone else. It helps me when I get the urge…

    3. ANK says:

      A two month vacation to detox and distract would be good, especially with no contact. I would just be afraid that after two months I would still come back to the same thoughts and feelings.

      I have ready elsewhere that 60 days of NC are required to start to if not totally by then let go.

      1. Narc affair says:

        Ank.. id read the 60 day rule too and seen it mentioned here. I also seen it takes half the time you were with them to fully get over them. Im hoping this isnt true bc thatd be 3 yrs 🙁

      2. ANK says:

        NarcAffair,

        If it’s half the time then that will be 2 years to recovery for mw. But if from point of NC then I am nowhere near as have not managed NC.

        The worse thing is he came a long when I was still get over a previous relationship, and looking back now from what I have learned so far that relationship was also with someone that had narcissistic tendancies. I was still in pain from that break up and over a year talking to Narchole I eventually got over it- but obviously because i was falling for Narchole. He was the distraction. And I am so wary of making that mistake again – letting someone else because they might cause me pain too.

      3. Narc affair says:

        Ank…same situation i met this narc after a break up and was still vulnerable. I look back and see i went from bad to worse in the way of skilled narcissist. He seen my vulnerability and knew hed hit the suseptable jackpot.

      4. Mary says:

        ANK:

        Can relate so much to what you said. This is similar to how my narc entanglement formed. I was struggling with knowing I will never have my emotional intimacy and sexual needs met in my marriage, but feeling like I can’t make it on my own financially, and still questioned if maybe I am the entire problem in the marriage. This is when the narc found me online and I shared things faster with him than I would have most anyone else. (I share quickly here because we are all struggling and learning and it’s a supportive atmosphere, but in general wouldn’t share all the stuff I did online with the narc on a first date with a guy.) I just wanted the narc to be an escape, and he was for a short while before he started playing twisted games and I was consumed in thoughts of him and missing and wanting him constantly. It did take attention off the marriage though, made the marital problems more bearable. However, he was exactly what your narc was, a DISTRACTION. After cutting off the narc though, I still can’t get him out of my mind. And, the marital issues are still there, and I have to do something about them. Every time my hub rages about some stupid crap, my natural inclination is to want to go back on Kik and message the narc. I don’t do it, because it would be going backwards, and much of the intensity of my addiction to him has faded, and I do NOT want to torment myself by stepping back into that dynamic. However, I always want to after hub has screamed at the dog or me. It is no different than someone wanting a shot of heroin after an argument with their spouse. It may not leave needle marks, but it’s every bit as self-destructive.

        1. ANK says:

          Mary,

          The fact that you have cut him off means you have come a long way.
          I am having so much trouble cutting Narchole off.

          But I think I may have come to a turning point yesterday. I cried and let the emotion out. And I feel that I am now ready to go NC properly.

          Getting him out the head is the difficult part, agreed. That’s the addicted part that we need to work on. As you say it is self destructive, painful, and we are in essence torturing ourselves with the incessant thoughts which go round and round in circles. We all had a need in us for love and affection and got defrauded.

          Part of me feels physically sick, like after something shocking. Not to mention panic and anxiety.

          5 months of counselling and I don’t feel I have moved on much. May be I need to buy Exorcism.

          I do hope you are able to sort out your marital issues. With that as well as the narc experience, you must have felt so crap. Everything is shitty!

      5. Narc affair says:

        Mary…so much of what you said in your post i can relate to!

  16. Failer of the longest test says:

    This is a beautiful and needed look into what my ex may be thinking and will eventually try to say again. He hasn’t given me any real words yet. Thank you HD for undoing the mystery of what I may hear during a Hoover. I failed the first one . He won’t give me one scrap of thought .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  17. RS says:

    To Narc affair: That is so true. He punished me all the time by taking it away and bring it back. He also knew how much I loved to kiss and he would withhold that from me also when he wanted more power over me.

    1. Narc affair says:

      Rs…. its awful bc you miss it, you beat yourself up wondering why especially when they pretend nothings wrong and you feel a deep rejection. Not to mention it does a number on your self image and confidance. Then they give it back to you and relief pours over you only to be dunked back underwater at a later date again gasping for what you had. Its an insidious form of emotional abuse. The worst part is to escape you have to either change the dynamics by no longer being intimate partners( in which case you get discarded) or you have to leave them. Either way its a terrible ordeal. It only gets easier if you eventually lose interest and no longer care.

      1. RS says:

        I left and it has been eight months with no contact. I should not drink because it brings back memories but mostly I am over him. I am thankful for sites like this that keep reminding me of all the horribleness instead of the manufactured goodness (of which there really was none.)

        1. Indy says:

          Hi RS.
          Glad to see you found this place. 8 months!! Woo hoo! Hard work and you are doing it!!!
          🙌🏻 👊🏼😊

      2. Narc affair says:

        Rs…congrats on 8 months!!! Its good to remind yourself of the truth. It amazes me how easy i forget the bad and focus on the fake good pts.

      3. ANK says:

        NarcAffair,

        Yes so true, they pretend that nothings is wrong, that they haven’t done anything wrong. It’s like it doesn’t register in their mind.

        I’ve tried not to be intimate with him and failed. Told him way back that he didn’t turn me on anymore and would sleep with him again. But of course I have. Bastard now they have us right where they want us when they start to kiss and touch.

        I so want to not care any more.

      4. Narc affair says:

        Ank..im getting to the point where when he does this type of withdrawal i withdraw too and honestly its a turn off anyways. Who wants to have sex with someone who doesnt show theyre into it? When i withdraw he gets insecure and wants sex more. Its do f’ed up pardon the pun.

        1. ANK says:

          Narc Affair,

          Yes the last couple of time having sex with him wasn’t as good has it has been. Knowing what his is, what he is doing with the other woman has made me withdraw. I don’t know if he sensed it. I half wanted to say unkind things, like he wasn’t hard enough. Just injure his ego.

          He has shelved me I think while he gets sex from the current source and is making a play (I’m a 100 percent sure) for another source. And then he will come calling when the primary source is unavailable and he is not getting it from the latest one he is chasing.

          I’ve not heard from him since last Thursday. I was dumb enough to text him because I was angry that he was WhatApping and giving attention to someone else (woman no about), so wanted to interrupt.

          Such a mental struggle. I’ve decided to try to be strong and not contact him and that if he does text me, to not reply.

          Not at the stage to be able to totally block him.

      5. Narc affair says:

        Hi ank…shelving really is the worst bc it leaves you in limbo. My narc is still there but theres something clearly different intimate wise. I more or less go along with it but if it reaches a length of time i disengage slowly. He notices and makes changes. I disengage not to trigger change but to let go bc why should i put my all into it if he isnt. I value his friendship but without intimacy then im not giving him all of myself everyday. Im sure it has to do with his fuel matrix. I used to get upset or angry now i disengage and focus more on my life.

  18. Snow White says:

    That’s a reminder of temptation. I was telling someone the other day that just like an alcoholic has to keep up on the maintenance of sobriety, my maintenance will always be NC from my ex.
    She was the most powerful drug to me and will always be a temptation to me.
    I see others who can hate their Narc and others who can move along in a short amount of time but I can’t.
    I hate that that bond was and is sooo powerful.

    1. Narc affair says:

      Hi snow white…i agree its easier to stay nc if you hate your narc. These kind of relationships are addictive and thats a good point about maintainance of the no contact. If you have an addictive type of personality you have to be vigilant in avoiding your addiction and falling back into old habits or ways of thinking.
      Im the same way with my narc i have strong feelings and an addiction to him. Ive not gone nc yet but i can see if/when i do i will be in the same position as you.
      A question for you…what were some of your strategies for staying nc and also coping with the loss of the relationship? Also have you been able to work on your marriage? Did it improve after staying nc? Has it been a year? Thx! 🙂

      1. ANK says:

        Kind of hate him, but can’t go NC. Would also love to know strategies.

        He’s been on WhatsApp a lot, don’t if he’s texting the current supply or whether he is love bombing a new potential IPSS. My bet is the latter, it’s been more than a year since he started lovebombing the current one.

        As he was on WhatsApp all evening, decided to mess with him a bit and texted him. His reply – ‘I was just thinking about you,thinking that I hadn’t messaged and I wanted to’.

        I replied that I doubted it and that it was more that he felt obliged to reply to which he said he hadn’t needed to say that and could have just replied.

        Just a lying w*$%ker. And that’s exactly what he proceeded to do saying he was hard at the thought of me. Said hadn’t come in a while.
        Do I believe the latter? NO.

        Knowing all this, I’m still addicted and obsessed, wanting him to suffer for all the pain he has caused, not just to me.

      2. Snow White says:

        Hello Narc Affair,
        My friends and family saw the obsession and addiction from the beginning. I didn’t see it that way at all. And the addiction had multiplied by 100% by the time it had reached the end. I was convinced that what I was feeling was the real thing. I thought she was the love of my life.

        Going NC was a process and my heart had to catch up with my mind. I was exhausted and very confused. I was in a state of detox from my phone to to my eating. I was in search of what had happened to me. I still couldn’t believe it. I spent hours on the internet and ordered some books. But it wasn’t until I found HG and this blog that I was convinced that I couldn’t go back. Even though I was NC for 4 months I still had it in my heart that maybe things could work out. I would have never said that out loud to any one though.
        Interacting on this blog and reading HG’s books filled my time and gave me the validation that I wasn’t crazy and the realization that she planned everything from the beginning and she wasn’t going to change. I knew my life was headed in a very bad direction. My therapist told me I needed to fill “the pie” that she did. She always had 99% of my days and I filled them with writing here.

        The loss was dealt with like a death and was hard because I knew she was close. I went through the stages of grief. I still don’t know if I have graduated from this. I still mourn the loss.

        My husband wanted to stay in the marriage as long as I maintained NC. We have been in therapy for over a year and we are not where I expected to be right now. We are still dealing with the issues that led me to get and go in this relationship in the first place. I know he is frustrated because he thought I would be back to “normal” by now and I’m far from being that person I was over three years ago. I am fighting for control and being assertive and the people around me are the ones struggling with it. It doesn’t help that there are days that I can be an emotional wreck and I have a hard time fitting in to this life. I wish I could just erase the past few years because it has been difficult.
        It has been 15 months and I’m finding out that the C-ptsd that I have comes and goes and it’s up to me to heal myself. I have now started looking into some new therapies because I need a new direction. This is also how I felt when my son was diagnosed with autism. Very few people have the expertise to help and HG has been the only one I credit for my survival. Thank god for him.

        I wish you all the luck if/when you decide to go NC. It’s pure hell but it can be done. Working on the marriage after the toxic affair is equally hard.
        ❤️🍎❤️

      3. Narc affair says:

        Ty for your reply snow white…i swear we have exact situations! My narc orchestrated it so my days are filled with him as well. We arent always together but thru the phone and online we are from morning till night. Theres spaces of time in between we arent but hes made it like a routine and its been a constant in my life. I really do think thats part of their tactic to create dependance on them. This is a huge problem when going nc and ending it. Where to rebuild your life and how. When youve poured so much into that person youve forgotten who you are and what your life is without them. I seriously get panic attack thinking about it. The fact youve gone nc as long as you have you have no idea how strong you are so just think on that when you secknd guess your progress. So many of us cant even get to one week nc which is my case. Everyone has phases they feel weak or that theyre not getting to where they want to be and thats so normal and itll pass. A question to ask yourself tho is what your feelings are for your hubby? Ive been doing that a lot bc ive forgotten what he means to me. I care and love him but how does he fit into my life. Am i just with him for the kids or is there a chance to rebuild our love for each other. If youre truely not feeling you can get that back you need to ask yourself what you need from life to feel fulfilled and satisfied. You deserve to be happy. As far as your hubby expecting you to be back to a normal state you have to remember theres a reason that led you to your ex narc so it wasnt normal or what you needed before the affair. I think after an affair you really do have to start from square one as if youre meeting for the first time again. Its a lot of work and nc only part of the equation the other part is healing what was wrong before you hooked up with your narc then theres restablishing your marriage and relearning to love one another. Itll take a long time so dont be hard on yourself or expect it to have happened by now. Just staying nc should be your prime goal right now which youre doing great at!
        As far as coping im a gym buff too so i can relate. Do you have any other interest you can revisit to fill your time and feel good about?
        I think you have a huge advantage in that your hubby knows about the affair. My hubby suspects but hasnt called me out on it. For me to deal with endjng this affair its going to mean a lot of acting which im no good at.
        I hear you on the autism diagnosis i was devastated too when we found out about our son around age 3 but honestly i wouldnt change a thing hes so unique and perfect to me. The only thing is i wish he could have certain social skills a typical child has. Youd never know he has autism except he has a hard time letting go of things people say or do that bother him.
        Life sure can be a struggle but its worth it and youll get there! 🤗💖👍

    2. Mercy says:

      Snow White that is my fear. Not being able to get over it even when I do go NC. I read about people that go for years and still cant move on. I go a hour without hearing from him and I’m like “whoa what’s happening? What’s he doing? Did he finally find the girl of his dreams?”. This is after 1 hour!! He has me so conditioned to be there for him every minute of the day that when it’s quiet I go crazy. You say it’s been 15 months. Is it manageable now? Can you get through days without thinking about it? Do you think you miss her or is it just the “drug” that you miss?

      1. Snow White says:

        Hello Mercy!
        I feel for you. I understand everything that you are saying. I was like that in the first few days.
        Every minute was painful. It was the combination of confusion, detoxing, grief, emotional and physical exhaustion, and a broken heart.
        The conditioning is very real and I didn’t understand that til I learned that here. They plant that from the beginning and you don’t even realize it. Knowledge and distraction and taking time to do whatever makes you feel better will help. I find that I still need as much knowledge as I can get. And I need the daily reminders not to break NC. I cried for hours and hours for almost the whole summer last year. It was what I needed. My emotions are still not regulated but they are much better.

        I don’t know why it’s easier for some personalities to move on quicker than others. HG probably knows. Lol…. but I have learned that no one can push you or tell you to “just get over it”. It doesn’t work that way. My family and I argue over this very day.

        Manageable is a good word. That would be accurate in my case. There is not a day that I don’t think of my ex. But there are hours and that’s a huge improvement from a year ago.

        I miss both. It’s something to think about. I truly believe that I do miss her. I know it’s dangerous to recall all the good things but there were many. And I am aware of the illusion part that is there and I do accept that everything was planned on her part from the beginning. But from my POV she was my best friend and I do miss her.

        I don’t know how long it will take to recover from this and I have no idea if my marriage will survive.
        I am not the same person and I’m trying to get though life one day at a time.

        I wish you the best of luck. Going NC can be done. You will survive if that’s what you choose. I didn’t think I would and I’m still here. Lol
        Sending you hugs. ❤️🍎❤️

        How long have you been in your relationship?

      2. Mercy says:

        Snow white, it’s been 6 years. Some days I think “I can do this, It’s not so bad. Im happy most the time” but the bad times are so bad, real bad and and not natural. Not like bad times in a normal relationship. I know NC has to be done. I’m only wasting good years of my life when I could find real happiness without all of this pain. It’s just a scary road to take but hearing stories from people like you make me have hope. Thanks for your response!

        1. Snow White says:

          Hi Mercy!!!
          Sorry, I just saw your response. SIX years is something to be proud of. It takes tremendous strength even on the days when you don’t feel it. I understand the good and bad days. When my emotions are triggered it takes days for me to come out of it. It’s hard because no one around you understands. At least for me it’s like this at the point I’m at. I hope you continue to read here because this has been the number one thing to get me this far. I wish you continued success with your NC.

      3. ANK says:

        SnowWhite,

        Agree that you can’t “just get over it”. Family and friends definitely don’t understand what you have been through, how it has affected you mentally.

        May be the ability to get over it/move on quicker is dependent on/proportional to how the long the relationship with the Narc lasted, and probably on how each of our brains are wired.

        For me there is also this desire for him to own up to the way he has treated me, to be sincere. And to talk to me honestly. But I think he is a pathological liar.

        In my head various conversations and rants take place. But when I see him face to face I can’t say these things to him. I know in part that because if I did I might lost him totally.

  19. mistynolan01 says:

    Berate me-love me-chastise me-hate me-fuck me… Oh alright — just contact him already!!!!

    That was the merry-go-round I rode for five years. I have to be alone now for a while, because a “normal” guy just wouldn’t do it for me right now.

    I’m over the excitement and hyped up thrill of it all, and that’s a great first step. I’ll keep reading and learning from The Master Narc Tudor for now.

    1. RS says:

      I’m right there with you !

    2. RS says:

      I am in the same spot. I stay alone a lot and read HG’s books, watch YouTube videos on this subject and read comments from sites like this. When you realize just how horrible they were treating you and it was all planned. . . he used to say “I didn’t do that on purpose, it just happened that way”. Now I know better. I don’t miss all the drama and that is for certain. The biggest thing that keeps me away is that it has been 8 months of No Contact and just like someone who has given up cigarettes or alcohol, just one text message and I will be back to square one and HE will have won. I won’t let that happen. I read once that to them, “the one who cares less, wins”.

      1. Indy says:

        Hi RS,
        Just wanted to say this to you, it doesn’t matter if it was purposeful or instinctive or not purposely done, it is still abuse and you did not deserve it!!

        Abuse is abuse. No matter if they were drunk or sober; knowledgeable or not.

        Good for you for drawing boundaries and getting out!

        You got this!!!
        Indy

        1. RS says:

          Thank you for your encouragement Indy, I feel stronger every day. ( sometimes I do laps a little) 😜😄

        2. RS says:

          Lapse (typo from my last remark ) I am such a grammar snob 😉

      2. ANK says:

        RS,

        You should be proud of yourself for 8 months NC of it was you that decided to go NC.

        1. RS says:

          Thank you, ANK! I am very proud of myself for leaving. 😃

  20. Scout says:

    It’s Cathy rattling your window… Let me in! Let me in! I’m wearing your baggy boxer shorts. Let’s swap fashion tips over a beer…

  21. Maia says:

    The sex was the worst ever… absolutely pathetic! As for calling; I cut his number out of my address book and burned it, then deleted it from my phone.

    1. sarabella says:

      Yup, totally pathetic. Glad to see that another victim of his posted something about his tiny you know what. That was truly hard, to find as said above, I fell so hard, for nothing. Nothing.

  22. Lisa says:

    HG, is Irresistible just a blog about how victims think /feel ? Or is it also true that the narcissist is both waiting and wanting us to contact them ?

  23. NarcRecoveryGal says:

    I am on Day 4 of no contact. I have to admit I have not deleted his phone number. I don’t love him, I am physically attracted to him. Reading this is hard for me. I have an addictive personality… it is always something… exercise, sex, carrots, whatever… Unfortunately my addiction is the narc – my fuel for my addiction.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Seize the power and focus on the carrots!

      1. Mary says:

        HG, I heart your witty comments. My narc was charming and witty and that helped draw me to him. This and talk of the kiss. That damn kiss. The only time we met, that kiss was almost my undoing. He breathed life into me and took my breath away all at once. No one has ever kissed me that way. What if no one ever does again? 😞

      2. Anony1097 says:

        Hi HG,

        This was spot on! The public messages intended to impact their targets hit home. My ex was extremely against social media before and now he has a public Facebook page. I don’t have FB but was made aware by a relative that he has a page. She showed me that he’d written, “Every day I regret and feel pain for all I’ve hurt and disappointed on the path to my personal growth but I know that I am brave, strong, loving and ambitious and looking forward to becoming who I’m meant to be “- I know that was a targeted message (and not even necessarily for me, I believe he just discarded someone). As are his very public relationship status changes (which signals he’s doing the dance again). I haven’t returned his contact and we’ve been broken up for 2 years. So much emotion came up when I saw what he wrote – it sounded like he might have really changed.

        I took your advice and blocked him after he reached out three times during the holidays. When he called he immediately said, “I’m sorry we broke up, I wasnt always the best partner” as if I he just knew I had been waiting for an entire year for him to contact me and was frozen in time. I haven’t heard from him in about 6 month but I am now getting lots of anonymous calls. It’s possible that it’s not him calling me. Since it’s been almost a year since I ignored his last calls, is it safe to say that he’s done hovering me? We were engaged and together for over 5 years.

      3. Narc affair says:

        Yummmm love my carrot juice 😄

    2. mistynolan01 says:

      I know EXACTLY where you are. Read HG’s “exorcism: purging the narcissist from heart and soul” – – it helped me tremendously.

      1. RS says:

        Is it a book? If so I will order it immediately.

      2. mistynolan01, you are correct. That was the first book of HG’s that I purchased and it put me on the right path. The others followed, and then the audio on YouTube. I’m far better than I was a year ago- no longer suicidal or homicidal, just a grey rock, lol.

      3. My lol was for the carrot comment btw.

        Attention is great, being witty and charming is great. But if there is no chemistry it just doesn’t matter (narc or no narc). You can’t pick who you have chemistry with (imho). It is there or it is not.

    3. Indy says:

      Narcs Recovery Gal!
      Great job hoping no contact!! The first month is hard, I know. Your body is detoxing him out, all those chemical reactions etc. it is an addiction, you are right. Hang in there and keep coming back here! HG has done great tools and we are all great support and a distraction …like methadone for the heroine addict.

      First step is the hardest! Way to go!
      Indy

      1. RecoveringNarcoholic says:

        Indy — love the methadone analogy.

        NarcRecoveryGal — Indy is right. Detox is a process. There will be good days and bad days, progress and setbacks. Just keep gaining understanding and focusing on yourself. Bravo to you for going no contact!

    4. ANK says:

      NarcRecoveryGal,

      I think I’m like you, get addicted. And obsessed. Also wanting him to be accountable, but as HG has informed us, they don’t do apologies.

  24. abrokenwing says:

    Ok , you convinced me.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Jackpot.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Not me,

        Mine are all useless…lmao

    2. RS says:

      DON’T DO IT!!!!!

      1. abrokenwing says:

        I won’t… i guess my ego protects me from breaking no contact.
        I’ll put my fingers in my ears and sing 🙉Lala Lala Lalala …

        1. RS says:

          I’m glad to hear that. KEEP your fingers in your ears!! 😉 I have that “Pride” thing going on myself.

      2. abrokenwing says:

        Thank you RS 😊
        So hard to resist the temptation sometimes..
        ‘ Come to the dark side. We have cookies 🍪 ‘

        1. RS says:

          I DO Love cookies! 😉

        2. MLA - Clarece says:

          OMG! That’s the black Star Wars T-shirt I have on in my profile pic, but you can’t see the “Come to the Dark Side. We have Cookies” part. Lol

      3. abrokenwing says:

        Haha Clare

        1. RS says:

      4. abrokenwing says:

        Haha Clarece!

        and the back of the T shirt says –

        ‘ Where is my cookies?!?!’
        ‘ It’s the dark side, what did you expect.’
        😉

      5. Mary says:

        RS,
        Thank you for posting the Jennifer Warnes song. It’s perfect!

        1. RS says:

          You’re welcome, Mary. I love that song too.

    3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      Abrokenwing,

      Lol! Was the dick that good?

      I get to just sit here with my sexual complex ptsd – a whole new bag of issues.

      1. abrokenwing says:

        Oh , tell me about it.. no sex for 11 months now.

        Funny. I went for a run last night and was thinking about it. When I come back there was a message request on my messenger from some VERY good looking guy. I didn’t recognized the name so I looked him up on FB. I know I know! But this is not a fake account, I recognized those. And he is a friend of one of my FB friends.
        I of course ignored it… but it just made me wonder .. Oh never mind. Patrick Bateman for sure. He looks like him anyway.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        abrokenwing,

        I guess we are at the same point ….i’m at 12 months FML. LOL

      3. abrokenwing says:

        Harleen,

        His dick was never a priority, although he might have been sometimes under impression that this was the case.

        He would then say ‘ I have a personality you know ‘. 😄

        1. RS says:

          I hate to say it but his dick was big and beautiful and I couldn’t get enough of it. And he was so good at using it. Sigh

      4. abrokenwing says:

        RS!

        I watched The Notebook on Tv last night and it reminded me of your post about kissing in the rain .This scene makes me cry every time i see it 😭

        1. RS says:

          Me too!!

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        His dick…..::pause::……

        Not impressed….

        RS – you’re hilarious! If you like em big I’m sure you could always go on the website my ex was on. It was a big dick dating website – no lie lol!

        1. RS says:

          I am not really “into” Big dicks, I was just happy to finally have one after 23 years of being married to a small one.😄😜 In the end it wasn’t really worth it as he WAS a big dick!

      6. Narc affair says:

        Rs…my narcs dick is perfect too and he knows it! Truthfully tho its not the amazing sex that is the hook it is the attention and lovebombing. This is what keeps me bound. Women are different thst way we want to be heard and attention. He knows this too…

        1. ANK says:

          I’m in agreement with you their Narcissists Affair,
          It wasn’t the sex, but the attention and love bombing that reeled me in. The sex was a bonus in a way.

          Having a bad day today. No communication from him which is good but feel shit. I think the cycle with a new potential source has started and he is busy.

          1. RS says:

            ANK- yes, HE knew it too. He used to send me pictures of it nonstop! Of course, all the attention in the beginning is the hook that gets everyone. In the beginning I told him I couldn’t see him because he was married and we were better than this. He said ok, but I started texting him again because I missed all the attention. He knew I would. 😜

          2. ANK says:

            RS,

            He use to send me pics too. And only last Thursday after I texted him, it turned into sexting. Said he was hard at the though of my hot body. And that he was going get naked and come, did I want to watch.

            I didn’t think I would get involved either as he was married as well. But they know what to say, what to do, to get you.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            ANK, why are you texting him?

          4. ANK says:

            I couldn’t help my self HG. I was angry knowing that he was busy texting someone else, ignoring me, not bothered about me.

            No more texting.

          5. ANK says:

            Not sure whether you were berating me or just asking out of interest HG.

          6. HG Tudor says:

            I was asking out of interest to establish the reason (before telling you off!)

          7. ANK says:

            Perhaps I need to be told off more to stop me texting!

      7. Narc affair says:

        Ank…yes the attention is what we crave as women especially if you didnt have it growing up. Men are more visual and are drawn to attractiveness. Men also love to be idolyzed and respected. Ive seen it in action where women are drawn to men that are a. Successful b. Charming c. Attentive. Attractiveness seems to be an afterthought for women. Of course there has to be chemistry. This is where i think male and female narcs differ in seduction. Male narcs focus on their power, charm and lovebombing whereas female narcs use their looks and sex to bind a victim. It depends on the nature of the relationship tho. If its nonsexual in nature they could use other ways to bind. Codependants crave attention and narcissists are specialists at giving it when it suits them.

        1. ANK says:

          Narc Affair,

          I am beginning to see that it probably happened to me when I was growing up. My parents were loving but also strict. An I don’t think I got much attention especially after my siblings were borne. I was lonely growing up, repressed and suppressed to an extent by my family which was extended (strict grandparents throw in the mix).

          I was drawn to him even before we had exchanged a word. I am starting to think that it was because he reminded me of my father somewhat.

          He certainly was able to turn on the charm, very attentive and like he cared. The lovebombing started with intensity after the first hug. That came after a year of attentiveness. All part of the grand seduction.

          I think both male and female narcs are able to use sex to bind, but may the initial method of seduction differs. If a man is charming and attentive to start of with, it makes us drop our guard a bit and makes us feel that he’s not just after one thing (sex) and that he’s decent etc.

          Little do we suspect that he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

      8. Mary says:

        ANK and Narc Affair:

        In total agreement about men being charming and attentive. My online narc was both of those things. He def acted like he cared, wanted to be honest (about the fact that he’s married and has cheated before). He even sent me pics of him with his kids and a couple with his wife. Said he wanted me to see he’s a normal guy, not some weirdo.

        Somehow a year later in fantasy he was demanding that I say degrading things about his wife and my hub as he’s finishing. And I went along with it because it wasn’t real. But the fact of him liking that and requesting that was real. I still don’t know if he was really into it, or just wanted to push boundary.

        “Little do we suspect that he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.” That is so true, ANK.

      9. Narc affair says:

        Ank…yes both male and female narcs use sex as part of the seduction but ive seen way more male victims hooked to their female narc bc they were very attractive and great in bed. Female victims seem to be hooked bc of the attention the male narc gave them of course it would vary for same sex situations. Its just something ive observed on other forums. The men seemed to be hung up on their female narcs and how they were attracted to them. I know from my personal situation what keeps me with the narc isnt the sex altho its incredible, its the attention. I never had that much growing up and as an adult i have a couple close friends but theyre so busy in their lives i guess i was looking for that person who could always be there for me, laugh together, share our daily happenings. This has been the case but its not been a good scenerio bc ive stopped doing that with hubby and ive withdrawn from friends somewhat. Hes become lover and friend in one. That is giving him a lot of power over my life and is unsettling. Ive tried weaning off but theres that fear he will leave the relationship or up the narc tactics to create insecurity.

  25. RS says:

    Also, there WAS a kiss. I told him I had always wanted to be kissed in the rain. Rain doesn’t come very often in Phoenix, AZ but one day it did. He came to my door, took my hand and lead me out to my back yard and gave me the most knee bending kiss I have ever had. When I read awhile back that your kind doesn’t even like kissing, touching, sex, etc. and only do it for fuel, it broke my heart. He is married so I knew there was no “love” for me but the kissing and sex. . . I can’t believe he didn’t love it as much as I did. 🙁

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      Not gonna lie I’m jealous that people at least got some mind blowing sex out of the shit storm… I simply got the shit storm 🤣

      1. RS says:

        I’m so sorry. Maybe you were the lucky one because if all I had gotten was the “shit storm” maybe I would have left sooner. I had been married for 23 years and the sex and dull, dull, dull. Last 5 year, it was nonexistent. HE made me feel like a vixen. Nasty and sex in every position you can think of. THAT is what made it so hard to leave. I still find it hard to look at my headboard and not hear it knocking.

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          Yup. From the first kiss, it’s explosive.

      2. Narc affair says:

        Dr. H …Theres pros to not having mind blowing sex bc you dont miss what you didnt have. They use it to take away and punish with. Sex is a powerful tool of control!

        1. Snow White says:

          Hello Narc Affair!!!!
          How are you doing?
          I agree with what you said. I knew that my ex liked to be controlling but I didn’t recognize that it was the unhealthy kind. I thought it was just part of her sexuality. I didn’t know when she turned her head away from my kiss, or when she turned over in bed, or when she just told me I had to wait for it that they were all a way to control and manipulate me. We would have sex every day and then she would say ” let’s see how many days you can go without it”. I would always ask “why”. Never made sense to me.
          I also didn’t recognize at the time how many boundaries that she crossed and how many more she anticipated.
          Just like you say you don’t what you are missing until you have had it. I now struggle with intimacy and don’t know that it will ever be the same for me. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to take some time to adjust to my new self but I still don’t know who I am. I hate to say that I still miss being with her and the sex.
          Hope things are going ok for you!!!!❤️

      3. Indy says:

        Word!

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Maybe you ladies are right.

        I mean him getting me off in a very mechanical way doesn’t count. I mean can’t you train most people to? Kind of like a dildo or one of those bullet thingies?

      5. NarcRecoveryGal says:

        Don’t be jealous… the sex was great until I realized that there was nothing there behind the mechanical act. Another power puppetering maneuver. He had to find away to get away from me as quickly as possible when it was done. I was indeed just part of his dirty sheets…

      6. Narc affair says:

        Hi snow white.. ty for your reply. Im doing good thx. After reading your reply it hit me that the nacissist does the give and take bc it happened to them probably as a child. They reverse the roles so now were who they were as a child. Thats the same for sex too. I was naive and confided to my narc about certain aspects of my marriage and he uses this to hurt me off and on. One time he said ” im glad your marriage has problems nc i get to reap the benefits. I know thats selfish tho.” So many red flags.
        In regards to the give and take that is control your ex was trying to condition you to accept less and less and try harder. Its so mean! I think what will eventually get me out of this relationship will be anger. Ive not been angry enough. It takes a lot to get me angry but when i do ill make sure to say things that itll be completely over.
        I am aware tho that the narc isnt the only one at fault i am too. Faults not the best word but im responsible bc i shouldve worked on myself and my marriage instead of looking to avoid it thru someone else.
        Just remember youre worth so much more than how your ex treated you! Remembering the pain will keep you away from your ex forever! Youve come a long ways! 👍

      7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        My ex made some weird girly-like sounds …kind of whiny – sucha turn off. Silence is boring as shit lol.

        He also used to say the most awkward shit – the kinda stuff you like turn your head and go “huh?”

        I used to think to myself wow what made you think that was going to sound hot at all? LOL

        The landlord that lived above him told me that he made bitchy sounds and didn’t sound like a man – I swear I couldn’t stop laughing.

    2. mistynolan01 says:

      Oh! He loved it alright! Your moans of pleasure and sexy reactions provided amazing fuel for him. That’s one thing you can be sure of!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Misty,

        Hey I can put on quite a performance lmao I had to to make it end.

        1. RS says:

          I made a comment to him once “why don’t you ever make any sounds while we’re having sex?”. Of course he didn’t reply to that question, just acted like I never said anything. He was probably off in another world plotting his next fuel fix.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Maybe not that at all, RS. Since it could be more of going through maneuvers in a robotic way (even if they’re excellent at it), they may just be quiet. Mine was too. At first. I encouraged him being vocal over time and I’m sure that was a thrill for him. I think that’s just another side of intimacy that they could struggle with.

      2. RS says:

        I hope so. Thank you. 😊

      3. Narc affair says:

        Rs…your ex narc didnt make any sounds during sex? I didnt think that was possible. Good sex has lots of moaning, crying out, orgasmic screams…lol ive got the narc on the mind again 😂 i need to stop that!

      4. Maia says:

        My first one got off on getting me off. He told me sex was like any other job; it had to be a job well done! There was no kissing and cuddling though… just awesome sex.

        My second one was very squeamish about sex, didn’t like it at all, except masturbation… but even then he was silent. It disturbed me a little, but not as much as when masturbating him whilst he watched the football on TV. He was totally detached from what I was doing. It was like milking a cow. Very disturbing!

    3. abrokenwing says:

      It’s so beautiful… and so painful having a memory to look back on and smile..or cry..😢

      1. RS says:

        Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD – While it felt good and it was fun, I almost always faked an orgasm. He would change positions so fast. Right when I was about to have one, he would move into some other position and I would lose my . . . you know. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want him to get mad at me. He would say “did you have one?” and I would say “yes” to which he would reply “good girl”. geez.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Rs,

        Sounds familiar minus the changing positions every damn second lol.

        That’s so funny and creepy cause mine used to say the same thing – I almost forgot about that line……….. that line……

        “Good girl”

        Next man who says that to me gets kicked in the balls.

        1. ANK says:

          Narchole called me good girl too. Seems like they’re from the same mould! 😣

          1. RS says:

            They must have gone to the same Narc School. 😄

      3. Mary says:

        Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD, RS and ANK:

        Holy fucking hell. Mine used “good girl” with me the last time we sexted. It makes me want to throw up now. WTF is up with this?

        I know with doms/submissives,”good girl” is often part of the roleplay. However, this night there was no roleplay going on, my narc had pretty much insulted my kissing and I still Skyped with him that evening. Then later on, we were texting and he said he wanted me to fuck the massage therapist who crossed a line years ago. I told him I don’t want that because the guy is a predator, and this led to my narc saying “You were prey. To him, and to me. Willing prey.” That was mind-fuckery enough, then before we said goodnight, he said, “I love you.” I said, “We usually don’t say that to each other unless it’s during sex.” He said, “No, but we didn’t say it earlier, and tonight was a good night for us.” When finally I said, “I love you” back, he said “good girl.” Which is completely NOT in the context of role play. So it felt like more mind-fuckery.

        He also knows the guy who raped me in college did it while saying he loved me, and that it messed with me a long time. I still wonder if his comments that night (insulting my kissing, bringing up the massage therapist, etc. and then “I love you”) were another way of saying basically hey, I can treat you like shit and get away with it if I say I love you.

        There’s no way I will ever know the answer to this for sure, is there?

        1. RS says:

          I wish I had listened when he was blathering on about WHY I liked it when he said “good girl”. First, I was still basking in the warm afterglow of the sex and secondly, I hadn’t really expected an answer! I guess I will never know either. We’re both screwed, Mary, and NOT in a good way! 😛

          1. ANK says:

            He use to say it in the later stages -‘did you come? good girl’.

            I began to notice the kind of attention he was paying me change over time. The affection and hugs and nice kisses changed to just kisses that were demanding for want of a better word – a prelude to sex.

      4. Narc affair says:

        My narc never used good girl but he likes it sometimes to call him other names during sex. I think it really depends on the context its being used. Good girl could be hot during sex or it could be condescending after you do or say something you didnt want to but were pressured into.

  26. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    …And that is why I delete numbers or rename them in my phone.

    To be fair the only person I have done that with was my first psychopath. Boredom will get you every time.

    I renamed my first psychopath “obsolete appliance” – thanks for the inspiration HG lol.

    1. Anonymous says:

      I renamed him “asshole” but really only because I wanted to post a screenshot of a text conversation between us somewhere semi-publicly and didn’t want to expose his phone number and was too lazy to edit (I deleted him from my contacts back in December, on my first attempt to escape). But then I realised I really like it and it’s still asshole.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Anonymous – you’re too funny.

        I think asshole it perfect. Anal bead may be even better lmao 🤣

      2. mistynolan01 says:

        Wow! I did the same thing to prevent myself from answering his calls. After all, who would answer a call from an asshole?

        Then he’d send me the sweetest text that he didn’t blame me for being mad at him and that he knew he was an asshole and — BAM, just like that — I’d have a change of heart and change it back to his name. (As HG has taught me to do, notice there is no apology. That NEVER happened.)

        Still up and down and around and around I’d go. (Much better now. I’ve been exorcized!)

        Good for you that you’re strong and resist the temptation.

      3. Mary says:

        I call mine Rumpelstiltskin because he trolls for vulnerable women. And because, once I knew who and what he was, he lost his power.

    2. AH OH says:

      Danger is a good tag.

  27. SVR says:

    Actually HG, I believe you to be deaf.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pardon?

    2. Sniglet says:

      Here is another one of SVR’s pearls.

  28. RS says:

    That was a cruel thing to read at this particular moment. It has been 8 months of no contact and I have had a very strong drink. . . . very cruel. I haven’t had sex since I left last October and when we did it, it WAS amazing! He brought out the “nasty” in me.

    1. RS says:

      Actually, from time to time, I unblock his number for an hour or so just hoping he might try to contact me. I’m pretty fucked-up aren’t I?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        All part of the dance.

      2. sarabella says:

        Yeah, all part of the dance, especially in the worst parts of it.

        But I eventually decided to be the one to lead the dance, not follow his steps. I control it now. He has me blocked one place. That’s it. Eveywhere else, I control and I fully leave him alone now. But I know he danced in his passive way. I last spoke to him in DM on a page, last early March. He ignored the comment but did not block me. He just ‘swiped’ me away and did not accept it as it was a new account. But, a month later after he ignored me, he set up a new business page and guess what he did? Blocked me on there but did leave 3 other accounts unblocked. I laughed. He is all about the dance but pretended to not be into it at all. This site really drove hime that he is fully into Game.

      3. Kim says:

        You truly are not alone!

      4. mistynolan01 says:

        You’re just like the rest of us. No different at all. I had my badass moments, but it was just denial and a way to protect myself. Most people posting here fell, and fell hard, for the narc.

        What helped me was reading HG’s books. I consider the collection my talisman to ward off their seductive powers.

        (The books are on amazon and I’ve got them on my Kindle — for quick and easy reference.)

        Honestly, it does get better with the learning process.

      5. MLA - Clarece says:

        Lol, welcome to my world with blocking, unblocking, and blocking again.
        About your kiss in the rain, don’t focus on whether or not it was a hollow gesture on his part. In that moment he did love feeling your energy responding to him for doing it and you got to experience an amazing kiss. It’s all perception. Not every single moment has to be bad.

        1. RS says:

          Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. 💜

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            ❤❤❤

    2. ANK says:

      He block and unblocks me from time to time. I know it is because he with her, but there is no need to block as you can turn of notifications. Just cruel and manipulative, causing anxiety and stress.

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