Love Me, Hate Me, Never Ignore Me

I want your love. I want your hate. I want your joy. I want your tears. I want every single emotional ounce that you possess and I want it directed at me. It is easy to understand why anybody would want to be loved because isn’t that what everybody only ever wants to have? To love and be loved. Of course it is. I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me. Push yourself harder, go further, work harder and you can have it. I was promised that gain repeatedly and I complied. I strove and I toiled and I grafted. I studied, I obeyed, I trained, I ran and I ran fast, I jumped and I jumped higher than anyone else. I tackled, I shot, I pushed, I swam, I wrote, I complied, I answered, I read and I read. I did everything that was ever demanded of me. Does that sound familiar to you? Of course it is. You know what it is like to give your all and it still not be enough. You know what it feels like to keep trying until you feel like you have nothing left to give anymore. Why do you think that we are so effective in extracting that sensation from you? It is because my kind has been schooled in such a technique for so long that it becomes second nature.

Of course I was praised. I was encouraged. I was supported. I was pushed. I was told and instructed and ordered. The plaudits came but there was always the caveat.

“That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”

“Brilliant time but I know you can do it faster. You just need to try harder.”

“It is good but not as good as you can do. You are better than that.”

“Not bad but you will let me down if you do not get to the top of the class.”

Still, although it was conditional praise it was still praise nonetheless and this combined with my endeavours meant that I was never ignored. The achievements accumulated, the prizes were gathered and the accolades were acquired. Upwards, always upwards. Accordingly, your praise and admiration means so much to me. It was always the standard by which I was judged and so it is the same now. I crave the adulation and the passion, that is why I work so hard to cause you to give it to me. I want it, I want to be seen, I want to be recognised and that means I must receive your emotion sodden attention. It does not matter if you are shouting at me or beggin me to stop, so long as it id directed towards me. This is why everything I do is calculated to provide a reaction.

When I am seducing you, you must never ignore me. I have too much invested in your acquisition to lose you to someone of something else. My bombardment of you with messages and attention is to draw you to me, but it is also to ensure that you do not venture somewhere else and I am denied your attention. This is why I will text you and if there is not a prompt response I will text you again, then again, then call you and then turn up at your house. I need to know you are responding to my seduction. I need to control you. There is too much at stake to allow you to ignore me.

Once devaluation begins then I need once more the emotionally charged attention that comes from you weeping, shouting and screaming. It never troubles me in the same way that it troubles you to be shouted at. I require it and all it does is make me feel powerful because I know that I can prompt these responses from you by virtue of my manipulations. I know by saying nothing that you will beg and plead with me to explain what is wrong, hang around me, eyes wide in confusion as you beseech me to tell you what you have done wrong.

I am not fussy about the emotions which you pour my way. Good or bad I will take them all. The bad do admittedly make me feel more powerful but the sweet potency of favourable responses and eyes glowing with admiration are most welcome too. That is one of the reasons I alternate back and forth, making you happy and joyful towards me and then full or woe and anger. The contrast reinforces my omnipotence because I am the puppetmaster. One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness. Yes, I know you consider such behaviour wrong. I am well aware of that and do not be fooled by any pretence to the contrary. I am fully aware that such behaviour is considered, bad, wrong and evil, according to your values but you ought to know that this game is not being played according to your rules. It is played with mine and I always have to win.

Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be and ignore me, then I will provoke you all the more in order to gain my reaction. Few of you realise that this is the aim, at least, not until much later. You are unable to understand this sudden escalation, this switching because of the confusion that you are mired in. I am grateful that this is the case for when you ignore me I begin to crumble. The edifice that I have built up begins to crack, splinter and fracture and I must escape your betrayal and seek out the emotions of others in order to compensate for your seditious behaviour. If I cannot bring your love or hate to the fore, I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant. I must be loved for I am worthy of the most perfect love, I must be hated because my works are that of the devil and attract your furious ire. Always look my way, always give me your emotions and never turn your back on me. Do that and all will be well. At least, for me, but then, isn’t this all about me anyway?

54 thoughts on “Love Me, Hate Me, Never Ignore Me

  1. sarabella says:

    Here is how absurd he took it: He asked for my forgiveness after a 3 decade hoover. Worked hard to convince me it was real. He begged me to visit. Many times. I flew halfway around the world to see him. I risked so much. He picked me up. We drove around my old neighboroods. He took me to my friends and then stopped to talk to someone on his phone. He made sounds that he could not stay that night for dinner. Trouble at home as it was his ex. But then oh, suddenly trouble is fixed. (now I am sure that was a game). I was supposed to stay with him. Luckily, I was with a friend or he would have left me high and dry. I saw him next day in a nearby town as we passed through. He couldn’t be bothered to offer us a drink of water before we moved on. He dismissed me and laughed at it. Saw him 5 days later after he told me he was working too hard to show up on time for dinner. And he had to leave early. Made NO time at all for me. THEN!!!!

    he has the freaking nerve to throw out that he was bothered that my chat was off in FB for over 4 years before we had ‘hooked up’.

    Talk about “Don’t Ignore me”.

    I could make no sense of it. You screw someone over like he did me and then are bothered by that?! It was so confusing. I could make NO sense of it. Now, it makes sense. He was bothered cause that was NOT in his control. All his other hurtful things WERE in his control. So his bothered about being ignored was real.

    I am only hoping it was a real annoyance as I have a totally closed account on FB but he is not blocked nor can he block me without it looking like I am on his mind. I hope he wonders what is happening behind it. I HOPE he feels ignored. I HOPE he feels the same way.

    But who cares. He never did anyway. But so much confusion and hurt he caused when he didn’t even ever care. So much fucking needless hurt.

    If I have one revenge tool left me, it’s I will forever ignore him. I gave him so much fuel so he must have wanted it and it must have been good as he kept toying with me 2 years after “Its over, nothing between us!” fury attacks. So he knows that it could still be there. But I am going to ignore him forever. Neither love nor hate but ignore.

    1. Matilda says:

      “If I have one revenge tool left me, it’s I will forever ignore him.”

      That’s exactly what I’m doing as well, Sarabella.

      Mine asks to meet, repeatedly. In former, when I gave in, he cancelled on me. All he was interested in was my commitment. He must have felt in total control, pulling my strings. I was beyond myself with rage when I figured that out, and this anger still burns brightly.

      Now, he can plead till the cows come home, he will never get another chance to cancel on me.

  2. KT says:

    HG after the discard you don’t care about being ignored right?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you are an IPPS and we have dis-engaged from you and found a new IPPS and we are in the golden period we will have little reason to contact you at all (save where a malice campaign) occurs, therefore we would not hoover you so therefore you could not actually ignore us. If we bumped into you during the golden period with the IPPS we are more likely to ignore you than you have chance to ignore us, but if you did ignore us it would wound slightly but be brushed off because we are focussed on the IPPS.

  3. Matilda says:

    “when you ignore me I begin to crumble”

    This is the single most important aspect of any relationship with a narcissist!!

    The power lies in *our* hands: we give fuel and we can take it away again. Many of us (beyond this blog) are just not aware of that fact, which is truly maddening!!

    1. Mary says:

      THIS! Matilda, yes the power is in our hands. We can choose.

      1. Matilda says:

        Indeed, we can, Mary. We can live without narcs in our lives, but their existence is completely depended on us. That should answer the question of superiority *if* we judge one another.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          And yet we move from one to the other seamlessly leaving you bereft, bewildered and broken.

      2. Matilda says:

        *dependent on … aarrghhhh, where’s the edit button. I hate errors in my comments!

      3. L says:

        For a time, HG. For a time. And then we get over it. Our pain is temporary and, once we choose to recover, entirely under our control.

        Your hunger lasts forever and governs everything you do.

        We will stop hurting.

        You will never stop needing.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello L, your comments are largely accurate ; you may continue to hurt (or be hurt again) but then again you may well stop. I accept the hunger lasts forever but consider this; does that matter to me that it does? No. Does it matter to you that you were hurt? Yes.

      4. Matilda says:

        “And yet we move from one to the other seamlessly leaving you bereft, bewildered and broken.”

        That is not a sign of superiority! It’s a sign of weakness in my eyes. Choosing to disconnect from everything and everyone just to avoid pain is NOT strength!!!

        True strength means facing your fears and conquering them, not hiding or running away from them, not letting the innocent pay for crimes they did not commit! True strength means being vulnerable even if you know you might get hurt.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That is purely your perspective and a valid one as it is your perspective but it does not mean that it is right.

      5. Twilight says:

        Your acceptance of your hunger, is this when the matter of it stop?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I don’t follow, Twilight.

          1. Twilight says:

            Once you accepted this “hunger” for what it is, what mattered changed. What mattered then was building your fuel matrix, now it is making sure it stays intact.
            Fuel is what is important, what matters is it continuous flow. So it is not so much the hunger matters but the fuel.
            The hunger is just the root cause.

          2. HG Tudor says:


      6. Brian says:

        ‘We can live without narcs in our lives,’
        Except HG Tudor of course

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Amen to that Brian!

      7. Matilda says:

        “That is purely your perspective and a valid one as it is your perspective but it does not mean that it is right.”

        I agree, it’s just my point of view. In the same vein, your sense of superiority to my kind is your perspective, and does not mean that it is right either.

        But I do not want to argue. You do much good with your work, and I respect and value that. Perhaps too much damage has been done, and recovery is not possible in your case. Perhaps one ought to just accept that.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed and I regard it as a debate Matilda, not an argument. My right is your wrong, your wrong is my right. That is how it serves me and ultimately, given my needs, that is what matters.

      8. L says:


        “I accept the hunger lasts forever but consider this; does that matter to me that it does? No.”

        Interesting. Why not?

        Hunger connotes a need (literally or metaphorically). Need, as I understand it from your other writings, correlates directly in your worldview to weakness. (I refer in particular to the male narcissist’s misogyny arising from the realization that he depends on women for fuel.) Assuming we accept this chain of reasoning, what makes this weakness acceptable to you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The need serves a greater requirement and addressing that hunger is not problematic, thus it is not a weakness because it does not result in a problem for me.

      9. L says:

        “The need serves a greater requirement and addressing that hunger is not problematic …”

        So you concede that the need exists, then?

        Am I to take from this that because you acknowledge and have come to some sort of emotional or intellectual detente with this need that you no longer regard it as a weakness?

        Or is your argument that because you experience minimal difficulty in fulfilling this need you are not weak?

        Or both?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is no difficulty in addressing this hunger and therefore it is not a weakness L.

      10. Matilda says:

        “‘We can live without narcs in our lives,’ Except HG Tudor of course — Amen to that Brian!”

        Virtual only does not count, virtual only is okay! There are no narcs in my life, because I got rid of them one by one, and I enjoyed doing it! 🙂

      11. Matilda says:

        “I regard it as a debate Matilda, not an argument.”

        Good to know, HG.

        Yes, narcs and empaths are polar opposites in many ways. Some of what you’re saying is acceptable, some is absolutely not. All down to experiences and perspectives.

        1. superxena says:

          Hello Matilda!
          You couldn’t have stated it better: ” All down to experiences and perspectives.” With that last sentence you are finally admitting that there are different perspectives and that your perspective which is based on your OWN MODEL of reality is NOT the only existing reality thus not the only perspective. And actually one of the main (for me) sign of an existing EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE is respecting others perspectives without putting values if they are right or wrong. And certainly not trying to impose your own “reality” and emotions into others.
          Who gives you the right or what grounded /solid arguments do you have to tell that others’ perspectives are right or wrong? If it is an “unknown” reality for you?

      12. Matilda says:


        “Finally admitting”, what is that supposed to mean?! I never denied that there are different perspectives to mine. I can put myself in other peoples’ shoes. HOWEVER, that does not mean that I am not allowed to come to a conclusion of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ regarding their perspectives. As I replied earlier to HG: “some of what you’re saying is acceptable, some is absolutely not”.

        There are basic rules of conduct which are NON-NEGOTIABLE, regardless of the excuse brought forward. REGARDLESS!!! To allow an ‘anything goes’ attitude means to excuse the unforgivable, and that will never be acceptable to me!!

        I have encountered several of them in my life, mainly upper Mid-Rangers, acting alone and in packs. When we were finished with each other, they wished they had never met me, that’s for sure. I do not wish to engage with narcs in my real life, regardless of the school, and I now know how to *repel* them. My attitude is the result of severe and repeated psychological abuse to breaking point. I made it through hell, and I have the right to be as defiant as I wish to be.

        1. superxena says:


          I thought first copying and pasting some of your comments but I really do not feel the need to do it.

          Some of your comments about these articles are stating that what is written ” is not true” or this is “BS” (just some examples )impregnated with a huge emotional state directed to HG.
          The only thing contained in the articles and books ( that I have read) explain JUST facts ( arising from his own interactions and observations) of how and why the empaths are targeted by the narcissists and how the narcissists function ( being one himself).
          As far as I know and from reading this material,it NOWHERE STATES that the empath’s nor the narcissist’s perspective is wrong or right as you have stated. It just a cold,harsh presentation and explanation of FACTS.

          And you being ONE of MANY of us who has been subject to psychological abuse doesn’t give you the right to be defiant or disrespectful. Neither to state that your perspective is the right one.
          Fortunately the majority of the participants on this blog understand it and take the contents given on this site for their own personal development .
          Yes, you can react as you wish..all of us here have the right to do so.But the emotional state of some of your responses and the way you react makes it impossible sometimes to continue a sound and grounded debate with you which I believe is one of then purposes of this site:

          -Presentation and explanation of FACTS
          -Debate based on grounded arguments

          And with this said, I wish you luck on your journey…

      13. Matilda says:


        It’s completely ridiculous of you to say what is contained in HG’s texts are explanations of just facts. You should switch on your brain when you’re reading, that would be a good start!

        You are in no position to tell me what I should and should not think and feel, or how I should express myself! If you do not like it, ignore it. No one forced you to interact with me, and I certainly do not wish to hear from you again.

        Good riddance.

    2. superxena says:

      Hello Matilda!
      I partially agree with you!
      1. You are right: by gaining awareness of how they function by acquiring knowledge is JUST PART OF THE EQUATION.
      2. Being the SECOND PART OF THE EQUATION: to change your MIND SET from being emotional to being more logical / cold hearted when dealing with a narcissist.
      If you are aware but you still react emotionally you would ALWAYS be a TARGET to them. Sad but true….

      1. superxena says:

        What I meant.and this is my OWN opinion: the point here is NOT who has the power or who needs who ,the point is making yourself LESS SUSCEPTIBLE (less emotional among other things) of being a target to them… narcissists are always going to be around and they WILL find targets..

      2. Matilda says:

        Hello superxena,

        “the point is making yourself LESS SUSCEPTIBLE (less emotional among other things) of being a target to them…”

        Now, I can identify what they are doing and shield myself using cold logic, but it’s difficult not to get emotional in the process.

        I know that I will remain a potential target, but at least I will be a fantastically malfunctioning appliance, and any narc foolish enough to choose me, will regret it in no time! 🙂

        1. superxena says:

          Hello Matilda!
          I do not know how many “narcs” you have had or what your story is in this context. If you feel like sharing: it would be Interesting to know why you feel you have gotten rid of all of them?
          Concerning your statement :” any narc foolish enough to choose me, will regret it in no time!
          1. If a narcissist chooses you (again) …not exactly knowing what you mean by “choosing” you..and now I am assuming that you mean if he/she drags you into one of their ( three) circles of supply ,it is because you have painted and presented yourself to them as a target! Without you even noticing it.
          2. You should be thankful that another narcissist ,specially those who belong to the Greater school doesn’t target you since I do not believe in such a case that they will regret it…being you the one that will regret it. Don’t forget that any battle you take with one of the upper schools is a war you won’t win due to their complete lack of empathy.
          Sometimes the best way of winning a battle is not entering it..and specially thinking on entering a battle with such a defiant attitude… Just saying….

      3. sarabella says:

        Yes. #2 that you described is also when the mind controls it, as also HG explained. I have done both at last.

        1. superxena says:

          Hello Sarabella!
          That sounds good! It certainly requires a lot of training to achieve it. Not an easy task for us empaths..It has been the toughest past for me…

          1. sarabella says:

            Yes. But I am gonna become A Warrior Queen at it. Damn straight. And I will be powerful because I will have both realms at my disposal. I will love deeply with compassion and heart and I will slice someone in half if need be.

    3. sarabella says:

      Matilda, yes. When I started to get this, I embarked on a plan. I poured on the fuel. Copious amounts. All the while knowing that I was going to stop at a very particular moment that coincided with alot of support coming in to my life. I then went silent, sead silent, and except for one minor accident of contact, I have not said a thing to him in 17 weeks. It finally happened with all I learned here, tired of it all, escaping, healing, and grasping how ignoring him after a huge fuel outpuring and discard would probably cause him some wounds. Had I learned this sooner and believed it all, I might have played it better. I just never fully believed it until the way HG explained it finallu hit the right notes. They paralyze us into believiny we can’t take that route and power, but once we belive it, need to, we can.

      1. Matilda says:


        I agree. Narcs live on making you believe that you were powerless. Once you realise that, and take action *as best as you can with the knowledge you have at the time*, they crumble. Much like understanding the mechanics of a magic trick, which dissolves the illusion.

        You certainly did well, fuelling him like there was no tomorrow and taking it all away suddenly and without warning! I hope he suffered, as he should.

      2. Mary says:

        Sarabella, I’m sitting here in awe of your tactic of pouring on the fuel heavily before vanishing and discarding! Wishing I had thought of that too. Lol He had shelved me a couple of weeks but that day he came back around to pursue and talk about meeting again. I told him I’d talk about it after dinner with my friends. Then, I just never came back. He likely assumed I’d be waiting like a dog for him to log on after dinner. No doubt it bruised him a little that he was wrong, but your way was better. My narc was also working on another source of fuel at the time too, so that softened the blow to him.

        Doing it after pouring on the fuel (in essence setting him up like he did you) was smart!

      3. sarabella says:

        Mary, I did one more thing. I told him, I bet you thought I had no self-respect respect, was a fool, etc, right? Well, only a shallow person would think that way, but I was fully aware of what I was doing when i begged you and asked to talk to you and all those things all those times. You see, it was hard for me to do, terrifying because I had once vowed once to never depend or attach to anyone. So pouring out my heart? Therapy. But I worked it out with you. You of all people, too! .. You were my therapist and I did with you what people spend years in therapy doing… uncovering core wounds to heal but that I didn’t expect him to ever be able to understand that….”

        In otherwords, I told him all those times I poured my heart to him, begged, reached out knowing he would deny me, it was hard for me and painful but through him, I healed things as I did it anyway. i used him to face my fears. And each time he toyed with me, and it hurt, I wanted him to do it more, to make the pains sing… to purge that fear of attachment out of my life. So thank you … for allowing me to USE you for that.

        And then I told him I am sorry from the bottom of my heart that none of what he had ever said was true or real, and that I am severing contact forever.

        And this was after I think I helped destroy his relationship with one of his supply at the time. Poor girl was badly hurt. I think I influended his social media game as he no longer boasts his supply sources online. He no longer throws out bait to everyone he is nessing with.

        And all those people he was on a great ride with, who be used to hurt me with or it just hurt me that he chose them over me, they seem to have all moved on in life. Many unfriended him, never comment on his stuff, no more pictures of him having a great time. And I am a good detective and the photos just seemed to have stopped everywhere. Just TBTs to that timeframe.

        I think he is very alone now. And sad that he once told me that it helped him to kmow I cared and was out here (long distance). Shame he didn’t take care of me and protect me from his games because he lost me too now. This super empath could only take so much before supernova mode kicked in.

        I pulled it off, how much he believes or was ever affected by my strategy, who knows. It also felt a way for me to leave with my head held high again, to at least say thanks for letting me use you to heal. I left a bye note publicly too, just never tagged him. If he saw it or not, who knows. Pretty much said he is a fraud and lie and I will always miss the friend he pretended to be.

        And yet it all is sad even now though the horrible pain is gone. I have momemts when I wonder how I got so emotional and I still wonder how much it was me and my imagination. Then I run down all the things he did which are dead on to what HG talks about and I can forgive myself, knowing it was all so intentional and manipulated. I just had tallen right in to all his traps. Of course I screamed and yelled to get out…

  4. Shannon says:

    Once I followed your advice HG and gave him no fuel whatsoever, he gave me an out and I escaped with no looking back. It’s been two weeks with no contact from him and it’s glorious. My mid-ranger’s pride and ego is EVERYTHING to him so I highly doubt there will be a hoover. There is a smear campaign going on against me however. Luckily, it’s no one I care about or knows me very well or I might be upset.

    1. Mary says:

      Way to go, Shannon! Two weeks no contact is awesome!

  5. L says:

    Curious to know whether complete silence/non-engagement (described throughout as ‘no contact’) produces a similar effect when the supply source has been devalued or discarded?

    That is, have I lost the opportunity to inflict maximum damage on the narcissist because I failed to remain firm when I initially left? (I had yet to realize at that point what I was dealing with, unfortunately, and fell victim to a massive charm offensive.)

    I’m cognizant of the fact that attempting to ‘get revenge’ on a narcissist will almost certainly redound negatively on me and have no intention to taking any affirmative steps that might put me in his path, but confess that I would like the ‘no contact’ extrication process to produce as much discomfort as possible. The idea that I may have forfeited a key strategic advantage… rankles.

  6. PPT says:

    If one is giving an mid-ranger no emotional reactions, largely avoiding them, improving emotionally, and then suddenly out of the blue, ones home is vandalized, could this be a bait for the empath to accuse him, thus he can appear to be a stand-up guy by offering sympathy, throw himself a pity party for being falsely accused, and then obtain more sympathy from secondary sources? Thus painting himself as a victim again, and the empath as “crazy” for not just assuming that it is random vandalism. Then he starts another silent treatment to keep the drama going. Would further ignoring the narc only encourage escalation of property damage, or help end the cycle?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is indeed a possibility PPT, create the problem and then appear to solve it. Property damage is a possibility for a MR, although tends to be more the action of a Lesser. I suggest security cameras. That will dissuade a MR.

  7. gabbanzobean says:

    “One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness.”

    Mine to me: “I either make you happy or I make you insane. I never know what I’m going to get…”

    But surely he must know if he’s pulling the strings?!

  8. Sunniva says:

    “Ten little rabbits, all dressed in white, trying to go to heaven on the end of the kite. Kite string got broken. Down they all fell. Instead of going to heaven, they all went to…..” (“The Rabbit Hunter” by Kepler).

    When a thune starts and you expect to hear the lyrics of a children song (Three little angels…..”) you will get an image of a mom tucking in her child in a loving and safe setting, but then suddenly there is a switch in the thune and lyrics, and even though you can not put your finger on it, it gives you the creeps.
    So when you think and feel love, but someone is switching the scene, a restless and haunted feeling will always be present, and the reaction there after.
    The analogy is not to compare the beautiful empaths reading and sharing on this blog with rabbits. Keep reading and sharing and arm your forces with valuable information.
    The analogy is for the narcissist and the unnormal context they create.
    If you have ever been rabbit hunting you will know that as long as the rabbit does not feel threatened it will jump around happy and free, but as soon as they do they will show fear in two stages. First they will freeze trying to blend into the environment, but if the hunter stay silent long enough they will panic, and start to jump arround. Their lives depends on making the jumps in the right direction…..

    In this context knowlegde really is power. Empower your self, let the bright empathic light guide you out of the forrest, and never ever look back.

  9. Scout says:

    What if we were to take the role of Mother (or Father), enacting out similar behaviour to that received by the wounded child? Would this confuse the adult narc, pacify him/her, scare him/her or ignite his/her fury?
    I ask because my narc, at times, acted like my narc father and there were times I regressed back to childhood fears.

  10. KP says:

    Hi HG,
    I am wondering what causes the devalue stage to start to begin with….is it caused by something the empath does or is it just that fact that the narcissist can con you and they do not respect people who are easily manipulated?
    Another big question I have is when all of the mirroring is done, who is the narcissist really? Do they tend to be similar to their family and upbringing? I always thought if my ex would just mirror his family, he would get along fine. He could not do that other than to be a golfer like his father, even though I heard him tell his Dad he thought it was a “silly sport”. I was the most similar to his family of all of these women he has been involved with. His Mother and I got along very well. She wanted to remain friends with me, but she didn’t want to hear anything bad about him and I didn’t want to hear anything good, so it was not possible. I know she respects me very much and wishes me the best. I was his first wife and first long relationship of 9 years. He was 25 when we met. He had girlfriends in the past that his Mother said he was abusive to. We got along fine unless I questioned him on his lies. Once I caught him in bed with another woman and then he got yet another one pregnant, we were through in my mind, even though he told me I could take him back or be the babies Aunt! He is mirroring the current primary source that he had the child with, which is so off course from his background it is very strange. His Mother thinks she is trash (she cheated on her husband and got pregnant by mine), so I do not see that one lasting very long. He seems to want to please his Mother. So I wonder once they marry, which oddly will be 11 days from our old anniversary and when the mask comes off, who will he be? He seems to pick up habits and hobbies of those around him. Does he have his own identity at all? I just don’t understand how someone who came from a background of having money and always wanting the best of everything is now happy living in the mountains and being poor having moved to be near her family who by the way, don’t like him. Maybe he is liking a simple life and living in the middle of no-where. I am sure she is much more easily manipulated than I was, which may keep him around her. He actually yelled at me that I was expensive and she was cheap! I got a kick out of that one. Almost everything you have written and spoke about, I have witnessed in my relationship and marriage to him. I believe he is a lower/midrange, since he knows what he is capable of, but cannot always control his anger. He just tends to dis-regulate and drinks allot to cover up his lies and to deal with the emptiness he says he feels inside. I know he is already repeating patterns. I am just curious your thought on all of this….can you be happy with totally different types of lifestyles or is this just what he got himself stuck in for the moment since she was pregnant? I know he is trying to be like his golden child sister who is married and has a child. After divorcing him, I am still tangled up with him in the court system after 2 1/2 years of lawyers and legal games that he still wants to play with me. I didn’t answer a call from him in Feb. and since then nothing, he won’t even answer an email from me about legal issues, silent treatment. Oddly enough, his current baby momma is taking classes in criminal justice! Your talk on it being unbelievable was one of my favorites… My case gets more and more unbelievable all the time.
    I really appreciate how much you have helped me and hope your writings are helping you as well. Thank you…Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I am fascinated by the whole situation. I almost feel like some of this has rubbed off on me, because I now can compartmentalize what has happened to me. I miss the person he pretended to be. I still have PTSD from the person he turns out to have been. I just don’t know who he really is and maybe he doesn’t either.

      1. KP says:

        That was exactly the answer I needed. Thank you… I went through all of those in stages over 9 years.
        Now what about a NPD and his/her own interests? There must be such a thing, isn’t there? Aren’t people different in they do have their own thoughts and hobbies? Any thoughts?

  11. Free says:

    Wow! 3 months no contact re Sociopath.

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