I Second That Emotion

i-second-that

 

The emotional spectrum afforded to my kind is limited. The bulk of the positive emotions that you experience have either been stripped away or moulded into one all-pervasive sensation and that is of power. Whereas you might experience joy, elation, happiness and delight, we feel power. That surging sensation which courses through us as a consequence of the receipt of fuel, be it positive or negative. Secure a promotion? I feel powerful. My football team wins? I feel powerful. I seduce a new victim? I feel powerful. I experience amusement, indeed, I have an excellent sense of humour but if I make you laugh through my sense of humour I feel a sense of power once again.

I do not feel sadness. I have, for the sake of gathering fuel, sat through numerous films which are described as tear-jerkers and entertained myself as I have alternated between watching the film and the reaction of the person, invariably an intimate partner, as their expression alters to one of compassion, sympathy and then the tears to begin to flow. I have watched the same film yet I feel nothing. I recognise that the scenes played out by the relevant actors are ones which would be labelled as moving, sad and upsetting, but I feel nothing. When I shift my gaze to the sobbing intimate partner besides me, I begin to feel something. I feel contempt for the weakness exhibited by becoming upset. Not only the fact that these tears flow at all but because they have been generated by acting. How readily people fall prey to what is acting, but I am thankful for that, because if they did not, my existence would be far more difficult. I experience a degree of amusement, because someone is moved by something which is not even real. At least when the tears fall because a pet has been run over in the street, or because a relative has exhaled their last breath on this earth, there is a genuine event which causes grief. Yet, it is always in others. You could flash a montage of images, snippets of footage which encapsulate what people would regard as tear-inducing responses, be they grief or joy and I would remain unmoved. It means nothing to me. The capacity to feel sadness, grief, woe and misery have been removed. I knew them once. I can vaguely remember, or at least I think I can remember, being sad. I do not know what the feeling is but I recall the image from the depths of my memory.

I do not know guilt. Remorse is a stranger to me. I feel no regret nor penitence. Compassion has never been available to me. As for empathy, I do not feel that either. I am, because of my heightened abilities and intelligence, able to understand how people must feel. I have spent many years watching and observing the way that people react to certain situations. I understand when happiness is expressed, I know when regret should be exhibited, I recognise when sadness should make an appearance but I do not feel any of them. If I see you in pain, I know I should demonstrate a concerned expression for you and ask how you are. That is the accepted societal expectation. During my seduction of you, I will indeed adopt that mask of concern and compassion in order to con you into thinking that I am a caring and warm person. I can don the mask which places my facial expression in the correct places. I am able to adopt the appropriate tone of voice and place my hands on you in the gentle manner which is associated with expressing concern for somebody yet despite all these learned expressions, words and gestures I feel no concern for you. I do not feel sorry for you, I do not share your pain, I am not worried about you. I know however that if I am to bind you to me and to extract fuel from you, through your expression of thanks and your gratitude for my apparent care of you, I am obligated to place the mask of compassion on. Of course, as such time as your devaluation commences, I see no need for the pretence and indeed my lack of compassion provides its own reward as your pain is increased by my dismissive attitude, refusal to help and contemptuous sneer.

The Lesser of our kind often do not even know what mask should be adopted and during the seduction stage rather than clumsily grope for an appropriate mask, they will prefer to vacate themselves from the situation, conjuring up some excuse as to why they cannot stay and help. The Mid-Range and the Greater of our kind understand that certain responses are preferred by you and therefore the masks will be brought forth and worn, but only in order to achieve what we want. If the situation dictates that our interests are better served without donning a mask, then that is what will happen.

People often make the mistake of assuming that we are totally devoid of emotion. That is wrong. Yes, there are many emotions, as I have explained above, which we do not possess, but we are not empty of all emotion. I know only too well the emotions of hate, malice, frustration, annoyance, irritation, shame, envy, fury and jealousy. Why am I afforded these emotions and not others? In my discussions with the good doctors and my own consideration of these matters it is evident that in my evolution to what I am, it is necessary for me to have these emotions because they are the catalyst for causing me to behave in the way that I do so I will drive forward, that I will be brilliant, charming and seductive, that I will be outrageous, grandiose, belligerent and destructive, because ultimately all of those things must exist in order to compel me to gather the precious fuel.

If I did not become jealous of those in my social circle praising a friend, I would not feel compelled to draw the spotlight of attention on to me by upstaging that person, telling a glorious anecdote or causing a scene. If I was not jealous I would not take those steps and thus I would be denied fuel.

If I was not envious of my neighbour’s new sports car, I would not be driven to throw battery acid over it during the night and then watch from the window his horrified reaction on seeing the damage the next day. Again, I would gain no fuel.

If I felt no hatred towards you for failing me, I would feel no need to keep doling out the various prejudicial and abusive manipulations. Thus you would not be hurt, upset or frightened and I would gain no fuel.

If I felt no malice towards the world and its treatment of me, I would not be compelled to seduce people to provide me with that shield from the world and its outrageous injustices.

It is these negative emotions, the Dark Motivators, which cause me to always be driving forward. The absence of The Hindrances – remorse, guilt, empathy, regret etc. – means that I am not stopped or slowed in my ever onward march. I am not distracted from the sole and necessary task of gathering fuel.

This approach does not mean that my life is less fuel. I am still able to appreciate much that is beautiful, engaging, fascinating and scintillating in this world. I can appreciate the grandeur of centuries old architecture. I can appreciate the magnificence of a musical composition. I can appreciate the athletic prowess of a sprinter to win a gold medal at the Olympics. I can appreciate the taste of excellent cuisine. I can do this because of my higher function above others of my kind who have little or no interest in such spectacular elements of the world. Whereas you will enjoy the piece of music in that moment, I am using the experience of that piece of music to further my aims.

  1. I may tell you how brilliant a song is because I know that you will be pleased with me for telling you this and thus you will smile, appreciate me and give me fuel;
  2. I may use the experience of having heard the philharmonic orchestra play Scheherazade in order to boast about it to other people and draw fuel from their admiring and/or jealous responses;
  3. I may use the experience of knowing all of Depeche Mode’s music to be appealing to a target because she likes that music too, or just to demonstrate that I have a detailed interest in a particular band so that I am of greater interest to her;
  4. I may use the experience of having heard a particular song in concert to trump your tale about having heard a different one played in order to assert my superiority over you and draw a reaction from you and others.

You experience certain emotions when engaging in certain experiences. I experience a sense of power in that moment or if I do not, I store the experience to use it feel powerful when it is allied with something else, usually an appliance.

My kind mimic emotions because we are unable to feel so many of them. Thus we will second the emotions that we have seen you exhibit and make it seem as if we feel them. I know many of your emotions; I do not feel them. We second your emotions because we are reliant on your emotions to exist. It is something of a paradox that we have never cultivated certain emotions and/or we have been stripped of them in order to make us lean, effective and efficient, yet we also must receive those emotions from you in order to sustain us. We do not want to see your joy directed towards us for something we have said and done because we will then feel joy, but rather for the power that is unleashed as a consequence of your joy providing us with positive fuel. I am filled with hatred, jealousy, envy, fury and malice but that does not mean there is no room to accept your hatred towards me, indeed I welcome it. As a consequence of my manipulation of you, I want you to stand there screaming your hatred at me until your voice is hoarse and your eyes stand out from your face. The fuel I gain from such an intense expression of negative emotion is immense. Once again I appropriate your emotion and use it for my own purposes. Whether I take it in order to allow me to mimic and copy it, to make me appear more acceptable to other people or whether I seize your emotion as fuel in order to power me and allow my existence to continue, I will always find a use for your emotional output. I put to good use your emotions. I am the ultimate recycler.

11 thoughts on “I Second That Emotion

  1. Tiny Dancer says:

    My N received a big promotion at work about the time (well exactly when) our second son was born. She took one day off and then started working round the clock. The most honest comment she’s ever made was during that time when she said, meaning the birth of a/her child and all that comes with it, “nothing ever phases me and sometimes it scares me.” I soppose the sometimes it scares me part was for my benefit because I think she is perfectly fine with it. But there’s a longing, too, because she says often watching him with me “what must it be like to be so loved”. Or maybe just jealousy? I guess longing is too…soft or pointless for an N.

  2. shantily says:

    Thank you 🙂

  3. RunningAway says:

    Narcs don’t seem to have hobbies aside from targeting people or things that help them acquire admirers like sports etc.

  4. GM says:

    The narcissist I knew seemed to lack pleasure save for the pleasure she derived from exploiting people. I believe her motivation for engaging in any venture or commitment was ‘will I find any victims there’ with a secondary motivation of being lauded for achievements. She wasn’t strikingly talented which seemed to dim that secondary motivation, but she had enough to earn some praise and attention

  5. Ana says:

    Can you clarify a couple of things, HG? You seek fuel primarily to get a feeling of power i.e control. Does that power lie in controlling another’s response to you? Do you derive self-esteem not from the nature of the response but from the fact that you controlled it? Would you say the need for power is about fear of lack of control or the self-esteem derived from wielding control?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The need for power is as a consequence of the concerns about lacking control.

  6. Mona says:

    So, when you remember sadness, a vague memory, you are not a born psychopath/ narcissist. Interesting and good to know. It is a little bit relief. And reading your text there is a little bit sadistic joy inside of me. You will never feel any real joy, happiness and all the other good feelings which make life so wonderful. That comforts me a little bit about the narc who tried to destroy me. The big show he creates, all the wonderful women he had, all the nice events he visited, the luck he had, all that meant in reality nothing to him. Everything interchangeable and only useful to create confusion, hate, jealousy and envy in other people. What a lifeless life. Meanwhile he as a person is unimportant for me. But I still miss some events, that we both liked and I did not find someone else to share with me.That is all. There is mainly indifference, sugared with contempt. So , we have something in common, the mutual contempt.

    My mother is different. She is able to feel real joy and she is abusive. She is not able to love someone or to feel real empathy. That makes me angry. It has to be all about her and she really enjoys life. He does not.

    Who is in a better position, the full blown narcissist or my mother with strong narcissistic traits?
    . .

  7. Ali says:

    Life is richer with more emotions. Like being able to taste a variety of flavors as opposed to always the same one. Like seeing all the colors of a rainbow instead of maybe just the blue of the sky.

    I once wondered what was the point of those because there was so much pain caused by bullies and narcs.

    Now I understand. Now I appreciate each emotion as the gift they are meant to be and would not have it any other way.

    I wonder, HG, how it is you know the emotion of shame yes feel no remorse, no guilt about abusing those who fall prey to you. I wonder how you never feel how shameful it is to hurt anyone in order to gain. Obviously you did not learn it was so, but you are a rare narc able to understand yourself and reflect on your actions/behaviors… yet not this… Is it the sense of (misplaced) entitlement preventing shame? Or is that hogwash about being able to feel shame? Is your ability to feel shame narrower then an empath’s?

    the narc ex I left never seemed to feel it. Certainly not when it came to gaining at other people’s expense…

  8. Katey J Julius says:

    This is eerily exact.

  9. Victoria says:

    Beautifully stated and articulated HG! Bravo 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Next article

Crazed