Crazed

 

crazed

“We need to talk. Well actually, I need to talk and you need to listen. Here, sit down, there, okay, this isn’t easy and I know you are not going to accept what I am going to say but you must understand that I am doing this for you, for us. I am concerned about well actually it is not just me but I am the one who has noticed more than anybody else, but I guess that is because I am the one who care the most and also since I am with you more than anybody else. I am not the only one, indeed it is because more people have expressed their concerns to me that I have felt moved to do something. It is a difficult subject to broach with you because I know you won’t accept what I have to tell you. I have been doing some reading actually in order to help me to help you because after all it is your best interests which I have at heart. This really troubles me to have to raise this with you and I have nearly done it a few times but I have told myself that I had to give you time and that you might work things out yourself. You have no idea how hard it is to stand to one side and watch the person that you love behaving in this way. I can see you are confused and I should come to the point, it is just difficult to have to do this. Okay, I have become increasingly concerned at your behaviours, as I say, chiefly I have, but so have your family and friends and even a few people at work. It is okay, don’t worry and no, please, don’t interrupt me, you need to hear me out. Nobody is judging you. We all want to help you. We want to give you all the support you need. Sorry, I’m rambling aren’t I? I suppose even now I am hoping that the light will shine and you will tell me that you understand and you know that you need help. There, I have said it. I think you need some help.”

“I can see you don’t understand what I mean and your silence then when I said that speaks volumes. Okay, I am going to have to spell it out. It is your behaviour towards me and other people. It is not acceptable. You know me, I said I would always stand by you and I will but I cannot stand by and do nothing when I see you destroying yourself and your relationship with me, your friends and your family. I can tell you are struggling. We all can. I am not sure what is behind it, I am after all, not a doctor, but I have been doing some reading and spoken to other people and I guess you must be losing your mind or having some kind of breakdown. I know by that shake of the head this isn’t sinking in so I am sorry but I am going to have to just give you the brutal truth. I had hoped this would not be necessary and that you would work with me on this, you know, a partnership to save what we have, but the books did say that you would probably not be able to recognise what is happening to you. That apparently is one of the first thing that goes when your mental health is affected, you cannot see the problem yourself and that is why you keep doing as you do.”

” It is not your fault, well it is because you are the one who is doing it, but it isn’t because I am sure you don’t mean for these things to happen. I know you are a good person, I have seen that and what has been happening recently must be a consequence of some kind of stress of something. I do know the drinking doesn’t help though. Look, it is no good narrowing your eyes and shaking your head when I mention that. I checked the recycling bin and I counted at least 20 bottles of wine for this fortnight and there were three vodka bottles in there. No, don’t point at me, I barely drink, maybe the odd glass of wine with dinner but you have been caning it. What’s that? I put the bottles there? Don’t be silly, why would I do that? Why would I waste good wine by emptying bottles and putting them in the recycling? That doesn’t make any sense does it? No, you have been drinking them. I can see you are struggling to remember and that is part of the problem. Whatever it is that is wrong with you it affects your memory. I have seen it. How many times have you asked me where your car keys are or where the remote control for the television is? Hmm. Numerous times and they are always in the same place. Always. We keep this house tidy don’t we and yet you are asking me where something is when it is always in the same place. I can imagine that must be a bit frightening, but don’t worry I am going to look after you. We all will. ”

“You see I have already met with your two best friends and our family and we agreed that you should spend some time in hospital. Money isn’t an issue as we want the best possible care for you and I suspect that the good doctors will know what to do with you and if you have to stay there for a while, well don’t worry, I will keep this ship sailing. I have plenty of people who will rally around and give me a hand so I don’t want you to worry. It is for the best. You see, you have been losing your temper so readily and turning into someone I do not know. This rage. I don’t know where it comes from but all of sudden you just explode and then you start trying to blame me for things that you have done. It isn’t very nice and I try to brush it off but after a while there is only so much a person can deal with. Do you remember last week when you accused me of switching off the oven when you were making some food but then you realised that you had never switched it on? Yes, I can see in your eyes that you remember now. You accused me repeatedly of doing it and even though I explained how it could not have been me because I was busy on a call in the study, you insisted that I had done it. On and on you went, jabbing your finger at me and all because you are losing your mind. I try not blame you for the horrible things you say, I do think you become someone else and you do not realise what you are doing because you never say sorry afterwards and that hurts. Your friends say you are distant with them, they feel like they do not know you anymore and they are more worried about you, well and hurt as well, but once I began explaining to them your catalogue of domestic misdemeanours well they were very understanding and sympathetic. They agreed something needed to be done and they have supported me making enquiries about where we can get you treated. It is fine honestly, don’t worry about so many people knowing about what has happened, there isn’t the same stigma these days with such problems. Everybody has been most supportive of me. They understand how difficult it has been for me in dealing with you these past few months and they have said that if I need anything I am only to ask. It is so good to know that you have that support network is in place. Your family are worried, about us both actually, but they know that I am only doing the best that I can for you and that sometimes one has to show some tough love. I don’t know how long it will be for but they will assess you first of all which will probably take a couple of weeks and we shall see where you go from there. No, no I don’t think you are crazy, goodness me, not at all, it is just something temporary I am sure, but it has gone too far after well, I suppose the less said about that incident last Friday the better. What incident? Really? You know when you broke all the window panes in the green house. No, that wasn’t me, it was you. Hey look, I am trying to help, there is no need to become aggressive, do you see, that is exactly what I am talking about, I am trying to help you and you start reacting. Look I will ring Lee up shall I? He saw you and helped me sort you out. Do I have to ring him, you know he will back up what I am saying don’t you, after all it is the truth. Just calm down, Jesus, this is why I haven’t raised this with you sooner because of how you would react but to be frank, I have had enough and it is precisely this aggression and nastiness and your complete failure to ever admit that you are wrong which has been driving me to despair. Just calm down will you. It wasn’t me. It was you. Stop shifting the blame on to me, that isn’t fair. If you keep going on I am going to call people and do you really want to put on another performance for them? What do I mean another one? You just don’t get it do you? Maybe you are worse than even I realised. Good God, do you really not remember what you did at the party? It was so embarrassing. I would rather not think about it. I did not know where to put myself and neither did the person you were all over. I tried to smooth over it, blame it on medication and such like but the looks I got told me all I needed to know. What do you mean it was the other way around? Please will you stop doing this. You have to accept responsibility for your actions this has gone on for too long. Far too long. Ah, there is the doorbell, that will be the people from the hospital. I have packed a bag for you. Don’t look so alarmed they are here to help you and to give me a break from all this crazy. It is going to be alright, I promise, just promise me one thing that you will try to get better for both our sake’s yes? I don’t want to be driven crazy too.”

28 thoughts on “Crazed

  1. ava101 says:

    Windstorm, I’m glad to hear that!!

  2. ava101 says:

    Windstorm,
    When you were very young in the beginning of your relationship with your exnarc, were you consciously aware that he was abusive, emotionally?
    I described in my diaries behaviours and words of my exs in a way that fits perfectly many of the typical narc ways and I also emancipated myself from that, but I was never aware what really was going on …

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Ava101
      When I was 16 and husband hunting, I had no idea there was any such thing as emotional abuse. Since both my parents were narcs, narc treatment was what I assumed was normal. I searched very systematically for my ideal as a husband, which I now know was a high level cerebral narcissist. My husband was supremely confident, highly intelligent, college bound and held a steady job. He never hit me and solved problems with logic. He wanted a wife and children and offered me escape from my hell at home. I would never have thought of him as abusive. I just took all his narc behavior in stride as just how men acted. I don’t think I would have respected a normal man. To me they would have been abnormal.

      Now after 44 years looking in hind sight, I still think he was probably my best option available for a husband. He is not evil. He just doesn’t have empathy and can not love, but he worked to support us, came home every night, had a great sense of humor, was very smart and made great conversation.
      Like you said, I was unaware of being “abused.” It fit in with the treatment I had always known. And NEVER was living with him as bad as living with my mother! At least I had my own home and his family who taught me how to value, believe in and stand up for myself and later on my own children who put love in my life.

      1. ava101 says:

        Hi Windstorm, thank you!!

        “… as just how men acted” – oh, yes …

        What you are telling us helps me a lot. You should write a book, your story. You have great insight and your level of unattached, no impact love and forgiveness is unusual.
        You make me think of my Raja Yoga teacher, she had decided to detach from any kinds of relationships a long time ago though.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Ava101
          Thank you! That was very sweet! I often just feel crazy, but “unusual” sounds very good!

          I’m having a stressful day today and your comment was very cheery and affirming! My daughter is in labor having my newest granddaughter and I am at her house in Kansas with her inlaws and 3 preschool children. Even though childbirth is very safe now, it’s hard to know that my baby is going through so much pain today.

          It’s also stressful being around my son in laws family. I feel like we are sheep and goats – we don’t mix well. My narc exhusband will be here tonight and has to stay in my room for 5 days. Now there’s a strange dynamic!! I’ve made him a bed on the floor! 😝 Strange and maybe sad that I am actually looking forward to his arrival. At least I understand him!

          Please think of my daughter and her new baby daughter and all others giving birth today.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Congrats to your family on its newest blessing Windstorm!!

          2. Windstorm2 says:

            Thanks, Clarece! She’s not quite arrived yet, but hopefully won’t be long!

          3. NarcAngel says:

            Windstorm2

            Welcome little one. Now……

            NARC SHIELD ACTIVATE!!!

          4. Windstorm2 says:

            Lol, NarcAngel!
            Her daddy’s a very mild-mannered normal and her mama’s a super empath, so she ought to be pretty safe for the next 15 years or so. (My daughter always said she saw everything about her dad and looked for a husband the complete opposite!)
            But thank you! It’s never to early to protect or to train. 🛡

      2. Mary says:

        Windstorm, congrats on your new granddaughter! Thinking of your daughter and family today.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Mary
          Thank you!

      3. ava101 says:

        Windstorm, Congratulations and all the best!!
        Sounds very stressful for your daughter.

        So, how did it go with uhm your exnarc in your room????

        You’re lucky your exnarc at least did give you a family.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Ava101
          Thank you! She is a sweetheart!
          My exhusband and I both survived, but he was about getting on my last nerve! He just moved things and did whatever he wanted with no regard to anyone else. He is constantly bored and must have something happening all the time. 3 days with him any more is about my limit. That’s about as long as either of us can go without beginning to snap at one another.
          He ended up going home a day early to avoid more of our son in laws family that’s coming today. So I’ve already put my room back like I like it to be! 😊

  3. Lou says:

    Change some of the sentences and it is my mother speaking to me and the whole family about me.

  4. Jessica says:

    Wow so it’s a Looney bin you are sticking her in…how sad are you to stoop so low…. In all actually you caused this with all your lies and manipulation. All I can say is run… Deal with the heart ache lick your wounds and move away from this asshole who never gave a Damn about you even in the beginning.

  5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    It was pathetic when my ex tried this shit with me – fucking insulting. Come on did he really think he could convince me I was crazy? His head was shoved so far up his ass he thought he could convince a psychologist she was bat shit.

    A personal favorite was when he slapped me (to try and intimidate me) because we were playing around and I by accident toed him in the nuts.

    He first tried to say YOU KICKED ME that’s why I slapped you….then that shifted to (and I shit you not)….”If I hit you…where are your bruises?”

    That was ultimately a veiled threat and him trying to convince me I imagined it.

    Like I would ever let him get away with that? HELL NO. Lets just say he didn’t convince me I was crazy (OBVIOUSLY) and he NEVER did that again.

    He needed to learn.

  6. Mona says:

    Oh, I thought it was about you, as always. You were the main actor in this drama. Your bottles, your family.

  7. Maia says:

    Having just read the comments, thought I would add that I wasn’t being flippant, I’m sorry for the gaslighting you suffered which must have been incredibly traumatic, especially if they had everyone else on board.

    However, I couldn’t imagine it happening to me to that degree. He denied his affair and advised me to see a doctor as I clearly needed to be on medication for my paranoia, and I just laughed in his face and continued the interrogation until he finally caved in and admitted it. He did this because I sat in the doorway of the bedroom and he said he felt cornered and trapped.

  8. Maia says:

    I found this laughable. I’d have called for the men in white coats to come for him.

  9. windstorm2 says:

    I feel so fortunate that my in laws were so well versed in all forms of narc manipulation. My husband could never pull any of them into this type of abuse. Having no friends and working in another county, there was no one he could smear me to or get on board with his gaslighting. While he often made my life hell at home and my mother had already smeared me to all my blood kin, my in laws always supported me and thought the very best of me. It was his parents who taught me what gaslighting was and how to deal with it.

    My heart goes out to all of you who had to suffer this without people who understood and supported you. ❤️

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Windstorm
      Sorry, I dont know much about your situation. So his parents were not Narcs but understood about the disorder and that he had it?

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        NarcAngel
        No, not at all. His father was a narc and many , many family members. They had learned all about narcissism from AA/Alanon, since many family members were alcoholics also.

        My father in law took me on as his “pet” ( he’d even introduce me to people as his pet and pat me on the head!). He taught me all about gaslighting, projection, deflection, etc. and would point out examples of each that his son did to me and explain why my husband was doing them and what he hoped to accomplish from them.

        My father in law made it very clear that all the ways he helped me were not for me personally, nor were they because of any “goodness” in his heart (that would crack him up – that someone would think there was goodness in his heart!). He taught and helped me because he was afraid his son would run my health down or push me into a nervous breakdown and then my inlaws would end up having to take care of all my children! He said it was in his vested self-interest to keep me sane and healthy so I could raise his grandchildren. He even helped pay for my teaching degree so I could always support myself and my children if I ever “came to my senses and left that jug-head son of mine!”

        My mother in law was my Alanon sponsor (my husband was an alcoholic also) and she taught me how to separate myself from her son’s problems, how to avoid codependency and to be strong on my own.

        The entire family understood all these dynamics, who was a narc, who codependent, who an empath, etc. They saw me and my husband for who and what we were and accepted us without illusions. It’s a lot like what HG’s trying to do. Where truth is understood, lies and deception have no real power.

        I loved both my inlaws dearly and miss them very much – especially my father in law. He was far and away the scariest and maybe most dangerous man I’ve ever known, but more than anyone else, he shaped me into the woman I am today.

  10. Tiny Dancer says:

    “You don’t even know what you are apologizing for.

    You don’t see the problem at all with your behavior.

    You really believe what you do is okay.

    You’ll never get it.

    You need help.

    I’m done with this crazy.”

    i had no idea she was saying things about me being “crazy” to people we both know as well as her friends until I saw the text messages. That hurt. It’s always been we keep our personal stuff to ourselves. Never, ever show anything but a united front. It’s so sad that it really is/was all lies.

  11. John says:

    This made the goose bumps rise! I have been in this exact position. Lies lies lies

  12. 12345 says:

    Even sadder than gas lighting is that I would believe this whole thing. I spent sooooo long believing the ex narc really loved me in spite of how he treated me that if he sat down and told me these things I would say “self, he just did a really hard thing and was honest with you, now you need to try to get your shit together”. I really would’ve done that. But, that conversation never happened. He would just say “you’re crazy” and leave it at that.

  13. Bel says:

    HG that is so cruel .

  14. Anne says:

    Crazy making!! Tryied to have more then one rational conversations when this conversation has come up! Not quit that bad, but just as screwed up! Causing situations, or behavior, that would have me unhinged! The screaming, crying, blowing his phone up, and yes, irrational behavior for anyone looking in! I need help, I’m psychotic, crazy. Me trying to be rational, pulling my hair out, bringing up the behaviors or abuse, where it was so obvious! And no matter how much sense it made, no matter the offence, it was never because of his horrible actions! physical abuse, i deserved it, ignoring me, my fault, hurting me, my fault, never any admittance even when i lectured him, lol, on cause and effect! That will make ya crazy because nothing is rational! Any and all hurt is my responsibility, even if caused by his harm. Which also makes me understand that because he doesn’t have these feelings, he sees it as a weakness, and it is on me, stupid girl! That’s your problem! It will make ya feel crazy, and make start thinking it’s you. If it wasn’t for my fury in the indignation, it might have worked!

  15. Jody Allen says:

    Thank you for shedding some light on Gaslighting. It isn’t spoken of nearly enough, since Silent Treatments are the emotional abuse that people question and identify with the most.
    Gaslighting is awful, and at its peak performance, you literally feel crazy and that the world has gone mad right along with you.
    I think this form of emotional abuse would be relatively easy to accomplish when the Narcissist wants to get others on board with their “show of concern”, since the Narcissist is always feeding others false information about you. And you don’t even realize what is being done to you and your character behind the scenes.
    I started noticing how his people and kids were treating me differently, and if I made mention of it, I was told it was all in my head. I was told to get out of my head. What’s wrong with your head? Lots and lots of references to mental issues. I didn’t want to be that…after all every ex of his was crazy. Is crazy all he attracted? Did that mean I’m crazy too?
    When the moment of discard all came to a head, it was his 19 year old daughter who revealed all of the abuse I had done to her father, how I had always been the aggressor, she couldn’t believe a word that came out of my mouth because I had lied to cover up my insanity because I only sought to be a victim, my lies and my abuse were well known by all and it was caught on camera…Can you imagine the spiral downward for me in that moment? Talk about the see saw plummeting and then thumping to the hard packed ground! I ran away, far, far away.

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