The Smearing of the Empath
I have previously explained some of the forms that the smear campaign takes and also why they are so effective. Now I turn to the six reasons why they affect somebody like you so much. Smear campaigns are a constant in the arsenal of the narcissist. Effective, utilised through word of mouth and with the capacity to envelop several people at once who in turn perpetuate the smear, the smear campaign is a favoured manipulation of our kind. Here are six reasons why they affect you so much.
- Denial of assistance
The smear campaign is usually utilised during devaluation and on the cusp of discard. Its timing is such that you will more likely than not find yourself in a position of desperation, fatigue and confusion. Battered and buffeted by our manipulations through the devaluation period,you are in a poor position to defend yourself never mind having to defend your reputation with others. Once the discard hits you and knocks you for six, you are in need of considerable assistance. You need somebody to help you make sense of what has just happened. You need somebody to listen to you as you pore over the relationship and try to piece together (usually unsuccessfully) the cause of your fall from grace and subsequent discard. You will need assistance on practical items such as money, paying bills, eating, child care, washing and cleaning in some of the more extreme cases where your ability to function has been hammered. When your need for external assistance is at its highest, you find that those who you thought you could rely on to help you have been poisoned. Friends become unobtainable or suddenly busy with other commitments. Family are sceptical about helping you since they think you have brought it on yourself and they are even ashamed of your supposed behaviour. Colleagues are not inclined to assist someone who has been painted the way you have. These people disappear, turn their backs or even worse ally with our kind and the help and assistance you so desperately need has been taken away from you. This furthers your isolation, your pain and your distress. It also reduces your capability to address the nature of the smear campaign and neutralise it.
- The Corruption of the Truth
You abide by the truth. You speak it and live by it. Yes, you may tell the odd white lie but you are a paragon of virtue compared to our mendacious and repeated untruths. You believe in the truth and you need others to know that you are an honest and truthful person. You base your life on having honest dealing with people, both towards them and from them. It has been an horrendous enough experience dealing with our lies that we told time and time again to you, but it becomes even worse when you are being lied about. You may have reached the conclusion that we are well-practised liars and that is the way we are but to have your own reputation impugned and your character stained as a liar is anathema to you. This causes distress and the fact you know that other people are believing a lie about you will have a damaging effect on you and we know this full well.
- Frustration
You feel a huge sense of frustration that your reputation is being smeared but added to that is the frustration that people are actually believing what is being said about you. You are surprised and dismayed that people are falling for what we are saying about you. You are disappointed in those people who you thought would know better than to be taken in by what we have said. You really ought to know by now that just as oyu were taken in by our charm and seduction, so have they. Did you really expect them to respond any differently when you did not? The difficulty is, is that you know the truth about the lies being spun about you and you desperately want others to see through this but they do not. You understand why, because we base the smear on a grain of truth, we magnify and manipulate and twist and warp the truth so that people are deceived in an expert fashion but nevertheless you really though that people who you could rely on would see through this tissue of lies, this web of deceit. The frustration at this overhwhelms you and adds to the distress of the situation as a whole.
- The Lack of Control
We hate losing control. Most people do not like to lose control because this causes distress, anxiety and apprehension. If something bad happens and you are able to at least do something to address it, counter it or mitigate its effect you automatically feel better. However, if you are swept along on a tide by a force over which you can exert no control, the sense of helplessness is massive. You are made to feel like this because when the smear campaign commences your coping ability has been hugely reduced. We however are at the top of our game, calling the shots and orchestrating everything with considerable effectiveness. You do not truly understand why it is happening, why we are behaving like this and moreover why people believe what we are saying. You feel as if you have no control over the progression and outcome of the smear campaign and this increases its effectiveness in terms of how it affects you.
- Keeping Up Appearances
Related to the corruption of the truth. Whereas the corruption of the truth alarms you because of the way that a central quality which you adhere to and believe in is being damaged, the smear campaign is also damaging how people think about you. You are not a person who is immersed in pride. You are neither vain nor conceited but you still want people to think well of you because you are a good and decent person. You just want people to know what you are and to have them told that you are something contrary to your actual appearance becomes especially upsetting for you.
- The Hammer to Your Reputation
Not only is your character and outward appearance as a good and honest person shattered and dented by the smear campaign, the effects of a smear campaign often go further. Your professional integrity is called into question with ramifications for your job, career advancement and livelihood. Your standing in the community is adversely affected which could have repercussions where you hold positions of trust and authority. If you have to be licensed by the authorities in some way, a smear campaign can place that in jeopardy. You may lose friends, your family may distance themselves from you but the repercussions of a smear campaign can infect your professional life, your income, your integrity and your standing. You are made to feel like a pariah and you may lose clients and customers, the backing of your superiors, be regarded as an albatross to an organisation. People are obsessed with appearances and if you become a PR nightmare not only is your personal life hammered by the smear campaign your professional and business standing is also.
16 thoughts on “The Smearing of the Empath”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Good afternoon HG, could you please direct me to the articles that tell you how to take narcs down? I am ready. I am MORE than ready. I am prepared and up for the fight. It was the one thing I never thought I’d do but after a month of craziness I now realise he needs stopping. For once and all.
I cannot live with myself knowing he is gliding through life destroying lives and I am, in effect, allowing it to happen.
His ‘new’ girlfriend is now his ‘new ex’ girlfriend as he did the same to her (which I predicted) but in super fast time (which I did not predict. I thought he’d go a bit more steady so as not to raise suspicion about what happened with me) but he had his wrists slit, smeared blood in every room and ran off with the police helicopter and police dogs looking for him all night. He got his (desperate for) 5 minutes of fame by making it onto the local news. He did all this while her 4 year old twins were in the house!!!
I am now trying to help her through this. She is struggling but at least she understands he’s a narc now and I’m able to explain every step of what he’s doing to her.
He also has tried unsuccessfully to Hoover me too in the last month.
I have just seen his care plan from his professionals and their primary objectives are to treat his 1. Low self esteem caused by abandonment and spousal and familial abuse (!!)
2. His fear of social interaction due to abuse (!!)
3. His fear of leaving the house due to anxiety (!!)
4. His tendency to blame himself when anything goes wrong in life (!!!!!)
He has them all fooled and totally wrapped around his little finger!! And we can do nothing about it. They aren’t helping him, they are FUELLING him and he is being protected and cared for whilst we, the abused are living in fear.
I understand this is nothing too shocking in the scheme of narc behaviour but my conscience will not allow me to keep quiet and continue to enable him to destroy lives. I can’t live with myself if I sit by and do nothing.
I remember you writinf a piece on how to take them down but I skimmed it as I thought it had no eelevenxs to me but I realise now I do need it as I need to be as prepared as I possibly can.
Thanks to pointing me in the right direction HG. I have a feeling I’m going to need a few more private consults too!!
Sorry HG if last comment was not appropriate just some things I am not sure I will ever understand.
HG the weirdest thing. My Narc Sister and my younger sister have fallen out. Long story but explainable in terms of my Narcs sister inexorable fight for power. My Narc sister left a message on my youngest sisters house phone which was then heard by her husband, stating that my younger sister had been sexually abused by my brother.Totally not true and seemingly not relevant to ANYTHING. What kind of shit stirring is that?????? any ideas?
So the way to deal with a smear campaign is to not give a damn about what others say or think of you. This has been chanllenging for me, especially with regards to the members of my family because I have been conditioned from a very early age to relate a lot of my value and identity to their opinions of me and to give them control over me in general. I think I have made a lot of progress in taking distance from them emotionally and claim my own power back. However, I came back to FB some days ago and seeing their activity and some posts from cousins have triggered me again. So I am taking my presence in FB as an emotional excercise to detach further from them. It is actually interesting.
Exposer is their biggest fear! Use it! They are not invincible! I however did let mine know, stop running your mouth, or, i will!! And again, not to their minions! And, not crying your river as a victim! But, ya can by being a sarcastic evil asshole a minute, and dropping certain details to certain people! Again, remember, people love to talk. The right people, under the right circumstances, and they will happily leave you alone!
There is a way to fight back. You have more power then you give yourself credit for. I know that the shocking and devastatingly affects of this can paralyze you for awhile. But, once you start coming out of you fog, THINK! I know for me this human? Had a list of horrible habits unknown too those who haven’t had the pleasure of getting to know them that well. All the outside world just sees the king, or queen, but YOU, ya you, you know lets say there illegal going on’s, or maybe there less then up and up business practices, or job performance. You know maybe their disgusting personal habits, or addictions! Remember, they have a long list of victim’s, and a huge ego. How did i stop mine? Well although he covered himself well, and telling him won’t do the job, visiting his favorite club, event, or outside source, but connected people and having a good belly laugh on them can be effective. Talk! Tell people your side! No, his family, or minions won’t work! But, if ya can effectively drop this creatures twisted abuse, habits, illegal bullshit, in the right way, maybe, hopefully, ya can squash the attack! Remember, people love too talk s***, remember, your not his only victim. Be careful, don’t do this out right in his face. In a way, ya gotta be a little evil minded a min to protect yourself! Then run as fast as you can in the other direction and stay away!!! But you do have the power too stop this demon!
I am not sure how bad the smear campaign went, since his friends were my “friends” and I didn’t have that close of a connection with them on any real level. I did notice his kids treating me differently and he got my loser Son-in-Law involved, as I mentioned in a previous post and the craziness that transpired from that, but it is what it is.
I am actually at a point where I am tired of grieving. I’m tired of begging (for what I don’t know..he was physically abusive and I cannot seem to get that through my head!) I am worried that I have grieved over long, not getting to any of the other processes~ just standing still in denial, bargaining, and disbelief. I realize that I delay my healing when I fail to keep No Contact (yep..still doing that shit) but I shouldn’t be standing still. I should be feeling something other than devastated..
I should be looking for work, although I have no idea where I am going to end up. I’m in a different State right now than the one I escaped to because of a family issue. But, now I am unsure if I want to go back there, I’m unsure of what I want to do. I should be taking care of myself, which I certainly am not doing. I know all of the things that I should be doing, but all I can do is lose myself for an hour or so on some project and then go back to feeling shitty. I’ve been over imbibing,like every day, just to escape this black doom following me around. I’ve lost more weight since being here then when I first escaped, I feel I am falling further into the abyss rather than coming out of it to see the light of day.
I’m not sure if the family issue (not a bad issue) and having to deal with my Ex LMN, where I am currently staying with other family members, or the proximity of the current Ex LGN ,he’s only 12 hours away instead of 1600 miles away and the bullshit he and my son-in-law like to create for me. I’m not sure if it is my life being so up in the air or all of those things. All I know is that when I think of why I feel so terrible it all comes back to the current Ex LGN.. This is such a mess! My life is such a mess!
Can someone, please just tell me that he does not want me, he does not love me, he doesn’t even like me. Can someone remind me that he was abusive on all levels, that he punched me in the face and that was why I finally left. I could really use a reality check now, and since I don’t tell anyone much about my situation I don’t have that kind of support (Because they look at you like you are crazy). God! Just smack me back into reality. I just want to move forward… I’m sorry this was so long, but thanks for letting me vent.
HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU!!! He can only love himself. He can’t have feelings for you beyond anger, envy, hatred, or indifference, no matter what he caused you to believe. As far as wanting you, he wants to abuse you, crush you, and now make you pay one way or another. Pay for daring to defy him. Pay for even realizing you had a choice to leave. Sweetheart, you were suppose to accept all his abuse as your duty for having the privelege of being in a relationship with him. You were to give him your best and your all, while he spat on it and threw it back in your face. Then you were suppose to thank him for that, grovel more and try even harder. (And of course, put up with being punched in your face.) Since you didn’t, he simply reasoned with himself that you didn’t love him enough, easily transforming you in his mind into the liar, the worthless faker who deserves to be stabbed in the back, hounded, harassed, and despised. He desires for you to feel like the weak failure, the trash, the scum who never deserved him. The choice with them is usually quite simple. Put up with the abuse, or be sorry you didn’t put up with the abuse. I feel for you as I completely understand where you’re at right now. LOVE YOURSELF enough to stay away from him completely and for good. I know if you can do that, he’ll be nothing but a bad and distant memory some day.
Kudos H.G. for putting your perspective out into the world.
Rubies!
THANK YOU, for stepping up to the plate for me! I needed to hear this, in no other way than in tough lover terms.
I’m going to print your response off and carry it around with me and read it any time I feel I want to contact him and tell him “how I feel”, read it when he drunk texts me (because he’s too cowardly to talk to me on the phone, even after 2 months!) and I want to respond to him. If I have to make multiple copies and tape them everywhere I can see them, I will do that too.
Thank you again! Much love your way♡
Jody Allen, I don’t know if this will be helpful to you but it was for myself. It’s a bit of a mind trick I do, especially now that he has easy access to Hoover me ( and does try) My ex was also physicality abusive and from HGs description that probobly makes him a Lesser variety. So that it what I keep telling myself when I feel weak.. you are nothing but I Lesser, nothing but a lesser. I don’t know why but somehow it kinda shakes my ego up a bit… and I kinda go… why would I want a Lesser? Damn it… I don’t want to associate with the lowest of low on the narcissistic spectrum!! It personally is my own reality check, and is helpful. I don’t know if it will be helpful for you… but somehow kinda leaving the emotion out of the equation and looking at the logical, he is a parasite, he has aged considerably and is losing teeth, he is still poor as fuck and doing nothing with is life, he has erectile distinction etc ect, really puts things in perspective:)
Hi Star,
You are correct in saying your mantra. It doesn’t matter where the Narc fits, from what I’ve been reading I figure he is an LGN..lowest (Lesser) scale of the Greater Narcissist, although this is helpful to know it doesn’t really mattet, because yours lied and treated you wrong, mine treated lied and treated me wrong, and everyone else’s in here lied and treated them wrong.
Maybe we should say:
He’s a liar he’s not worthy of me. He treated me like shit, he’s not worthy of me. I deserve better.
Peace and love to you Star. What matters most is that we all stand together and help each other through this, any way it we can. ♡♡♡
Even seeing him jump around, doing tricks ” look what I can do look what I can do!” And the switching of masks try to invoke any reaction, any fuel from me, I just look at him for the attention seeking toddler he truly is. I am only left seeing him for the pathetic creature he truly is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not heartless. I feel sorry for him that he is so desperate now:)
Please forgive me Star, as I’ve hit reply to your comment in order to put this closer to Jody’s comments.
Jody, YW for what I said, though it’s only words. However, I have my heart behind them. Let me tell you, if you go back to that treatment, that’s the treatment you’re going to get. In fact, it will eventually get worse and worse. I was with a violent manipulator for seven years and I tried leaving him several times. The first couple times he begged on his knees for me to come back, promising it would never happen again. Another time he kicked in my friend’s apt. door and dragged me by my hair to the car. What made it all far worse, were the mind games he’d play. He’d be cruel and violent one day, then perfectly romantic the next. I was young, ignorant, used, abused and completely confused. I tried desperately to figure out what I could do, how I could change, anything for us to have a “happily ever after”. What you have to get is they don’t want that. They want dominance, control, total power over you. (H.G. does an excellent job of explaining this.) They want ownership over you like one owns a dog. It took him hitting me in my stomach when I was pregnant to finally realize I had to get away from him, for good. I lost that baby at almost five months along. He justified himself for that by saying it wasn’t his child. That was just him projecting his infidelity onto me. I found out a couple years after I’d finally gotten away from him, that he’d been seeing another woman, and had even had a child with her during our relationship. He’d told her, that he couldn’t leave me for her because I would commit suicide if he did. Even his excuse to his “secondary source” sounded like he was a caring guy. So you know, she didn’t end up with him either. I could say so much more to you, but what I’m trying to convey is DON’T WASTE YOUR LIFE on him. Understand who he really is, no matter what he tells you, no matter who he could be. Don’t waste years trying to change him. He won’t!!! Loving yourself means not contacting him, and not allowing him to have any way to contact you. Thinking you can somehow interact with him in any way without being drawn back in, is like a toddler thinking they can take down a football player. It won’t work, and will do nothing but amuse the fb player. I know it’s hard and truly heartbreaking but it will get easier, and easier. You will survive, and be stronger for it. Make a list of all his hateful actions towards you. Sometimes it’s easier to carry on in anger, than in heartache. Take this time to learn as much as you can, so you don’t end up in a similar relationship ever again.
I’m actually living my “happily ever after” with a great husband, and our three children. I’m on this site because I’ve learned that I was raised by a narcissistic mother and have other narcissistic family members. One of them has viciously smeared our names to the rest of the family in order to get away with robbing us, and so I’ll be cut from the will. It seems the history of my family has now become a convoluted tale of greed.
Please Jody, for your own sake, heed my words.
<3Rubies
Exactly, please clear the smear..
I’m frustrated and bewildered how easily people on the blog believe this smear about me.