It is fundamental that we remain unaccountable for our actions. One of the most effective ways of avoiding this accountability, provoking you and leaving you exasperated and stunned is to engage in blame-shifting. We are the blame shifters who will always use this form of manipulation in our ceaseless quest to maintain the upper hand.

Not only is it the case that we believe we are entitled to complete immunity for what we say and do, occasioned by our innate superiority, we also believe it to be necessary for us to be able to gather fuel as often and as effectively as we do. If we were slowed down by having to make meaningful apologies, explain ourselves, account for what we have done and accept responsibility for the consequences this would absorb time that would be far better spent in the pursuit of fuel. Hampering us in such a way would result in us becoming weaker since we would not be able to gather as much fuel as usual. It is therefore necessary, so we remain sleek, effective and light of foot, for us to never be concerned about accountability and also to never allow responsibility to rest with us. As with many of our machinations, this approach also allows us to gather fuel in itself by the imposition of blame on others, usually you and the astonished and outraged emotional response which then flows from this staggering act of walking away scot free. As ever, words are our best allies when it comes to throwing off the attempt to make us assume the mantle of responsibility. Here are five of our favourites.

  1. What do you expect me to do about it?

 A delicious subtle piece of blame-shifting to begin with. We do not even state that we regard it as your fault, your responsibility or your liability with this question. Nevertheless, the implication is clear – we expect you to do something about it because we do not ‘do’ responsibility, your role is to clear up after us and you signed up to that role when you accepted our overtures. Did you miss that term of the contract? Don’t blame us, that’s your own fault.

I regularly brag about how brilliant and special I am. That I have many talents and if I so chose I could remedy many situations within moments, but notwithstanding this being the stance that I adopt to the world at large, I am not going to do that with you. Not a chance. I am not here to pick up the pieces after you, although I expect you to do so for me repeatedly. I can do as I like and you are obliged to make good the damage that I cause – collect the broken pieces of crockery, apologise to the shell-shocked friend after an outburst, try to solve the financial headache that we have left. If you have caused a problem, and let’s face it, it is always your fault anyway, you cannot expect me to do something about it. I am above such menial tasks. I have important and bigger things to attend to. Such as? I don’t have to explain myself to the likes of you. If I caused the problem (which in reality is usually the case) I am not going to do anything about it.

  1. Deal with it.


That’s the way it is and you had better get used to it. This haughty declaration is par the course for our sense of entitlement to do as we please. We bulldoze through everything and you just have to put up with it. You can’t walk away; we will not allow that to happen. Issuing this barked instruction at you is an effective way of upsetting you. It is telling you that you are useless and you should just be getting on with the situation rather than complaining about it. You shouldn’t be complaining; you should have already guessed that you needed to sort the situation out. Don’t ask me for help because I just do not have time for this mickey mouse nonsense.

  1. You caused this to happen.

We like to maintain that we act with the omnipotence of a god but how many times have you found that you have somehow caused something to happen so that it would suggest that you exercise the powers of a deity? My late arrival was down to you. My failure to remember something was caused by you. My infidelity for the sixth time was wholly as a consequence of what you have done. At its most brutal this declaration is issued without any explanation as to why it is that you caused the problem to arise. We say that it is the case therefore that must be right. Does this exchange seem familiar?

“Why is that the case?”

“It just is.”

“But why?”

“Because I say so.”

Other than our kind, who comes out with such assertions bereft of reality or explanation? That’s right, children. That tells you all you need to know about our mentality when we accuse you of being the one who has caused the problem. If you are “fortunate” enough to be given some kind of explanation it makes perfect sense when viewed from our perspective, although it will not from yours. That is deliberate. We want you to feel astonished, bewildered and annoyed at our sheer audacity to make the connection between our wrongdoing and your causation.

“If you were more loving I wouldn’t go elsewhere.”

“What do you mean by that? I couldn’t be anymore loving towards you.”

“Oh that’s right, deny it is anything to do with you and make me out to be the bad person.”

“Well, it is you who had the affair.”

“Caused by you.”


“I have already told you and if you cannot accept that then there is no point continuing with this conversation.”

You get no answer no acceptance of blame. All you get is a tenuous (in your world but not ours) explanation as to why our wrongdoing is all down to you.

  1. Why do you have to spoil everything?

A cousin of the third shirking above but with an added layer of blame. In the above example, you have caused the problem although you may not necessarily have intended it. With this statement we are telling you that not only is the problem not of our doing, it is your fault and guess what? You meant to do it because you are such an awful and horrible person. Our rampant paranoia causes us to believe that you are out to get us, to topple us and that you are plotting to unseat us as a consequence of our behaviour towards you during devaluation. This is why whenever anything goes wrong you are the architect of that misfortune as you have purposefully set out to cause a problem for us, driven by your innate nastiness and jealousy.

  1. Why do you make my life so hard?

Poor us. Put upon by you and your terrible behaviours. This is often thrown at you when you begin to wise-up to our manipulations and either through choice or out of sheer exhaustion you are no longer engaging with our provocations and machinations. What we are actually saying to you here is, “Why do you make it so hard to extract fuel from you?” Your failure to play ball and do what we want is causing us to expend more energy in order to get the negative fuel from you and in accordance with our outlook as a victim, you are doing this on purpose. We need to get that fuel and you should be helping us, not hindering us, no wonder we lash out at you as we do because you are horrible and you make our lives far more difficult and hard than you should or once did.

16 thoughts on “Blameshifter

  1. Over it :) says:

    I am still getting blamed for everything, it’s been 2 years already! Lol When does it end? That the million dollar question. I divorced my Lesser Narc and he still is so angry and blames me for his terrible life. Haha Get over it! I have no empathy for him and feel nothing for his anger tantrums. His blaming words don’t affect me but he just won’t stop even though he married his new supply. I think I have a true Lesser as an EX. They are funny individuals.

  2. C★ says:

    It’s not just the blame shifting, it’s all the other bs and deflection… circular arguements that go in a fucking circle with no resolve, crazy making, GASLIGHTING….. ON AND ON IT GOES… see saw… roller coaster… GET OFF the craZY train!!!

  3. 12345 says:

    Brutal discard by ex greater. I texted/called frantically for 3 months. No response ever. Gave up. Basket case. Drowning in emotional sea. 12 months no contact. Found HG. Started getting better…HG showed me how to actually swim in the emotional sea instead of treading water.

    Ex hoovered with phone call (after I instigated it-bad girl) (I answered on second ring-even badder girl) and said “How could you have dumped me?” Not exact wording but the intimation was that I left him. He’s a dick. (with a tiny dick).

    1. Sacha says:

      12345 Mine was a big imposant dickwad with a tiny tiny dick also… haha

  4. Stephanie Day says:

    I loved it when my ex narc smoked marijuana. We lived in WA. His brain would become decimated and he didn’t do the shiftarooo, or even try! I’ve learned they will not “hear” a word you are saying. So logical consequences it is. You go on dating sites? I break up and no contact. Go find your supply elsewhere. It’s so irrational it makes the victim go crazy. Literally.

  5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    My ex mid-range narc used to blame me for everything. He blamed me for when he cheated on his ex with me. The douche actually said he was resentful for years because of this. As if this shit was my fault? He did it to himself.

    Every year he would bitch about not wanting to remember our anniversary because it reminds him.


    I hope he gets caught in the woods getting banged by a dude. That would be embarrassing enough for him.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      What did trees ever do to you?

  6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

    This one time when I was with my first narc….he blamed me for waking up on the floor with a stuffy nose and itchy eyes because he rolled off the bed when he was wasted and I couldn’t get him back on the bed because he was like dead weight. He wouldn’t get up after I kept telling him to get up and I couldn’t physically pull him up because he was so much bigger than myself.

    Yeah…I don’t miss any of this shit.

    1. C★ says:

      Wow, you really had yourself in some deep shit, on a regular basis, from what you share….

  7. twitchit says:

    Or as i was repeatedly told ‘consequences’

  8. Sacha says:

    Unbelievably true… ” It’s your fault I left town to work at a remote town and enpregnated a19-year old native girl within the 3 months I was there because you had discarded me”

  9. Peekay says:

    I am always told by my N that he does not have to explain himself to me or anyone. He does what he wants and doesn’t need anyone. He lets me know in no uncertain terms that he is only with me because he gets what he wants and I am what he wants in this ‘moment’. Are these the words of an N? Or just an asshole?

  10. Anne says:

    Holly shit HG, ya sure i didn’t date your brother? Oh ya, kinda, lol! Down to the exact same word’s! Amazing!

    1. C★ says:

      Nah, that wouldn’t be his bro…

  11. RS says:

    Also #5. The LAST time I was with him and had him figured out he said “you keep making it sound like I’m trying to one-up you all the time and I’m not”. Ok, sure. Poor baby.

  12. RS says:

    #3. All the time! I only did _____ because you did_____. I was coming to tell you _______but you said______so I just said______. When I would take him bake for the 7th time and ask him if we could stay “friends” this time he would say “yes, if you don’t do______or_____or_______. ” I am so glad to be done with his nonsense!!! I sleep so much better at night now.

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