You Should

YOU SHOULD

What is the prevailing mind-set of the Mid Range Narcissist? What is going through the mind of the member of the largest school of narcissism when an appliance has been treacherous and disloyal? Does he manifest the malice that is exhibited by the Greater school or is his response different? What is he thinking when there is treason committed in the Kingdom of Mid-Range? Whether the applianceΒ has escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Mid-Ranger’s mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he or she believes.

You should not have done that to me. You should be thankful for who I am. You should be giving thanks to whichever god you follow that you have someone like me in your life, someone who cares, someone who is considerate, someone who only wants the best for you. You should be ashamed of the way you have treated me. You should apologise this instant. You should say sorry to me for the way you have behaved. You should treat others the way you want to be treated and not going around behaving like you are something special. You should realise I am something special and you keep treating me terribly. You should understand that I am a good, honest and decent person and not everybody would put up with your hysterical outbursts. You should know how hard it is to love somebody like you, but I do. You should be grateful for that.

You should know who you are messing with. You should be wary of getting on the wrong side of me you know. You should make sure you keep me happy because you will not like me when I am not happy. You should be looking out for me and not gadding around after other people. You should learn what your priorities are. You should spend more time with me. You should know when to leave me alone. You should be here and doing what I want. You should try giving for once rather than doing all of this taking.

You should be more aware of the way that you treat people and especially me. You should think more about how your actions impact on me. You should take my feelings into account and stop being so selfish. You should realise just what you do hurts me. You should understand that the things you say and do to me have consequences. You should stop making it all about you and let me have a say from time to time. You should stop being so obsessed with your friends’ lives and think about our lives together. You should spend less time with your family, they do not appreciate you in the way I do.

You should stop telling lies about me. You should get your own house in order before you start telling me how I should lead my life. You shouldn’t live in a glass house you know and throw stones. You should stop being such a nasty person to someone who has only ever been good to you. You should stop smearing my name to other people. You should take a look in the mirror. You should take a good look in the mirror actually.

You should stop putting me down. You should do what I want for a change. You should come back and apologise, I am a reasonable person and you should recognise that. You should make things right again because after all this is all your fault. You should stop fighting with me, I do not know why you have to do this. You should stop trying to tie me in knots. You should be more considerate. You should think about me more. You should sort this mess out because you are the only one who has caused it.

You should see how hard I have been trying for us. You should recognise a good person when you see one. You should know I have made the changes you demanded but you should be making some of your own as well. You should realise just how much I have tried for you and me.

You should know what other people say about you. You should realise that I put up with people saying bad things about you and you should be grateful I defend you to them, but I won’t keep doing it forever. You should realise you are not as popular as you think you are. You should be aware that I am a popular person and you won’t come out of this looking good at all.

You shouldn’t treat me like this. You shouldn’t destroy what I have built. You should recognise a good person, an honest person, a truthful person like me. You should learn just what you have lost by behaving like this. You should see just how many people hold me in high regard. You should be so happy to have someone like me, someone who people think well of and they do, just ask anybody and they will tell you. You should take the time to realise that I am a good person and consider what you are doing to me, to us, to what we have.

You should stop hurting me. You should stop getting a kick out of this horrible treatment of me. You should stop being mean to someone who loves you. You should help me. You should love me more. You should show me that you mean it. You should stop with the pretence. You should be genuine like me. You should stop playing the games. You should be the person that would make your grandmother proud. You should be the best person you can be for me.

You should get some help. You should see someone. You should go to therapy. You should sort these problems out. You should stop blaming me. You should stop projecting your problems and insecurities on to me. You should stop the game-playing, I am cleverer than you so I see straight through it. You should tell the truth for once You should stop making up stories about me. You should reflect on what you do. You should get some insight into what you are actually doing. You should shut up and listen to me for once. You should go and see the doctor. You should take your medication. You should stop being such a borderline. You should stop being such an attention-seeker. You should stop dodging the issue. You should address your issues.

You should let me speak. You should give me a chance to make things right again. You should come back because you owe me. You should let me show you what I can do. You should understand sometimes I don’t know what comes over me. You should make allowances for my behaviour because you are worse. You should not focus on the handful of supposedly bad things I do when I do way more good things. You should listen to why I do those things because if you did you would realise there is always a very good reason behind it. You should understand I have to disappear once in a while because your behaviour becomes too much. You should understand I am not sulking, I am just being quiet. You should accept I have to tell people about the way you behave because otherwise I would go mental. You should think about the names I call you and realise I am actually trying to help you because otherwise you will not listen. You should stop trying to blame me for everything that goes wrong and instead be grateful for what I do for you.

You should give it a rest now because you are giving me a headache. You should go and let me rest because I have been working hard all day. You should rub my back. You should make me something to eat. You should be there when I come home. You should stay out of my way when I am fed up of you. You should ask me how I am and not keep telling me about what you want. You should stop telling me how I should behave. You should see what I have to deal with. You should try being me. You should understand how much pain I am in from my back and not complain about your own supposed ailments. You should show some consideration for me now and again. You should get off your high horse. You should give it a rest. You should try walking in my shoes. You should try being me for a day. You should look at it from my point of view. You should make allowances. You should be more tolerant.

You should do it because you want to. You should do it for us. You should have more faith. You should have more discipline. You should have more resolve. You should let me in. You should keep out. You should learn when to speak. You should learn when to stay quiet. You should be seen and not heard. You should follow me. You should watch what I do . You should learn from an expert. You should stick with me. You should be mine. You should stay away from him. You should not speak to them. You should know what is best for you. You should know home is where the heart is. You should know where you bread is buttered. You should know how lucky you are to have me.

You should come back.

You should because I say so.

You just should.

82 thoughts on “You Should

  1. You should be mine – Guns and Roses
    I have had many of these said to me and I have said some. I’m wondering now if speaking with authority and telling someone what to do is really a narcissistic trait. I tell people what to do with authority. I will give advice this way. I am really trying to be helpful. I do find that I really don’t care if people take my advice or not. It’s their life. The you should do this, that, the other, was the way I was taught. What do you think HG? Just higher narc tendencies or something else?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is a narcissistic trait.

  2. ballerina9 says:

    Thanks for this HG.Β 
    So, basically, the fuel your colleagues provide while on a business trip (due to being with you), along with skyping with your “girlfriends” is enough to sustain you personally for a month if necessary, without feeling wary?Β 

    I always thought the potent proximate fuel of the IPPS/IPSS was “sine qua non” and restlessness would apppear if you were without it for a few days.

  3. AH OH says:

    odd picture.

  4. MLA - Clarece says:

    You vs I. Total split thinking.

  5. Matilda says:

    This article made me laugh!! Have heard many of these. Passive-aggressive digs, blame-shifting, guilt-tripping, future-faking, sulking, silent treatments…

    At first, you ask yourself if you have over-reacted, and give him the benefit of the doubt. I loved him very much, so, I made a real effort to suppress my obstinate nature πŸ™‚

    The peace did not last long though because hypocrisy makes my blood boil. Everything on his terms and to his benefit… that was not in accordance with my idea of a union based on mutual love and respect, equality and fairness. So, for every “you should” he dished out, he received at least two “and you should”s from me. Towards the end, the tune changed to “You/I should have done xyz [insert future fake], but it will never be”. That hurt badly, and he knew it, that’s probably why he said it.

    But you cannot live your life on somebody else’s terms… and if he had truly loved you, he would not have demanded that!!

  6. Mona says:

    So many expectations. Too many. I took a look at the marriage of my parents. “You should make me happy” was the number one my father heard. I cannot see, where she did anything to make him happy. She did a lot for him, that is true, but she never asked him, whether it was a need/ desire of him. She always thought she knew better than him, what he wanted or needed. So sad, that I discover that now years after his death. And I was her lieutenant for years…
    Now I understand why he ignored her in the end. He instinctively did the right thing. He did not talk to her anymore, took his books and sat down in the living room. He only gave her short answers. This marriage was dead and who was guilty? – Of course- my father – who else?

    1. Brian says:

      I instinctively learnt to do the same. But that just provides ammo as you said.

  7. Star says:

    Round and around and around… sickening:)

  8. Narc affair says:

    My heads spinning too lol ive felt a lot of these but am justified based on the abuse, whereas a midranger would expect all this while being the abuser. They sabatoge their own relationship then pin the blame on the victim of their abuse. My mother in law is a prime example of these “shoulds”.
    A few of her shoulds…you should pay for all my meals. You should sit where i suggest at a meal. You should let me control the schedule. You should respect me even when i treat you like shit. You should back me when im rude to the waitress/waiter. You should be at my beck and call. You should realise im old and can say anything i want ive earned that right. I should be able to insult someone and not have them retaliate back or ill cry. I should be able to poke fun at someones appearance. I should be able to brag how beautiful i was and sought after. I should be on a pedestal for being so giving….i could go on and on. Midrangers imo can be the biggest pain in the butt narcs there are! I think id rather a greater just end my misery lol

  9. Jude the Obscure says:

    Spot on. And all the while they’re telling several other targets, “You’re so amazing. I’ve never known anyone like you. I feel this special connection between us. You’re the most beautiful, brilliant, sexy, talented, sweet, loving, perfect…………”

  10. Yolo says:

    I have heard all of the you should. Woe was me when he would lie about he whereabouts. Busy, him “if I could just paint a picture of what one day is like for me”.

    I can paint that picture now. POS, was going nuts trying to find new fuel source.

  11. Natalie says:

    Definitely the thinking of themid ranger I knew!

  12. KP says:

    Hi HG, I was wondering where to ask this question… I was wondering if you could do a few articles on how things were with parents. Are these same techniques used with parents and if so, how? I wondered if you could write about how you act with family… thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have made a note.

      1. KP says:

        Thank you… this is all so helpful and your explanations are superb!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  13. Klm says:

    I can’t tell you how many times I heard you need to “show me that you mean it”. Every time I told him how I felt about him he always replied “then show me”. Are you kidding me? Haven’t I shown you enough by putting up with all your bullshit? Man I wanted to punch him in the face every time he said that.

    1. Somebody's Falling says:

      Amen…. I constantly heard “then prove it.” Then after going off on him verbally instead of punching his face, had to listen to how much I needed some help with my anger issues, bipolar, hormonal, you name it. Left his silly ass and “proved” I can peacefully get along with anyone. In hindsight I was resentful most of the time, that “covert contract” of an empath pissed off because this man refused to read my mind and meet my needs. The ones I never expressed, but the ones he knew damn well. Amazing the shift life takes when you stop expecting something in return from them but demand it for yourself elsewhere.

  14. Natalie says:

    Is this aswell about the lesser mid range?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The LMR will be included within this also yes. It applies to the entire Mid-Range school. There would be alterations to reflect LMR, MMT or UMR specifically.

  15. Lisa says:

    I find it hard to believe they don’t know . It’s like serial killers that are clearly mental but not so mental that they manage to cover their tracks and often get away with it for years . They might try to kid themselves when they are feeling sorry for themselves and they may not know they are narcissists but they know they are horrible people , but think that the whole world should indulge their disgusting behaviour

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

      Lisa,

      Your comment inspired my Friday night movie πŸ™‚ .

      I can cognitively see Mickey’s point of view.

      It’s pretty interesting actually.

      “I used to be you, then I evolved. From where you’re standing you’re a man. To me, you’re an ape.”

      1. Lisa says:

        Hi DR, I haven’t seen that movie . But I’ve recently been watching a series of documentaries on TV called Born to Kill the topic is a different serial killer each week and were they born to kill nurture / nature . Narcissism at extreme levels !! Very pleasant tv watching lol 😱

    2. wompus says:

      It’s like the mid-ranger I was entangled with (so happy to be able to say that in the past tense. Thank you HG). He knows something is wrong with him. Says he’s f*cked up in the head. Yet blames it on the zodiac. And therefore, it’s not his fault and everyone should indulge him.

      1. Yolo says:

        I appreciate reading the narcs referred to in past tense. There are some that are still in war with the narc. I used to do it but try to be more conscious of say my ??? I refused to personalize them with a name or refer to public property as mine. Like pets they are considered property.

  16. Brian says:

    I have heard most of these, good how you were able to get these phrases when it is not your type of narc.
    Some of these phrases are things that are said by innocent people but the negative ones are real red flags.
    “You should see just how many people hold me in high regard.”
    is very very common with narcs. As are the veiled threats in the article.

    1. Brian says:

      But the overall pattern is what you have to look at, if you hear a few too many of these phrases you know what is going on.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        Agreed. Run…lol.

  17. Peekay says:

    HG I know you are not a mid range N but I appreciate your insight into this particular creature bc my N portrays himself as Mother Theresa… as his sexual plaything I can assure you he is far from it…

  18. Nina says:

    Is this true of the Upper Mid-Range narcissist as well?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is, albeit there would be some differences.

  19. Peekay says:

    My N is an upper mid ranger…he definitely plays more of a victim than a greater but he is smart ..his therapist told him he was an N and that he experienced significant childhood trauma but he doesn’t believe it or see himself as evil in any way…but he will use multiple women at once with no empathy or remorse. He will tell me he is difficult but I must follow his one sided rules or I can leave…. he has discarded me bc I did not follow the rules…for the first time I am seeing that I am better off…

  20. A new article! We’ll done.

  21. Max says:

    HG- If a mid ranger lived alone how long could they go without seeking out fuel before they start to feel bad? I know they don’t understand the concept of fuel so I am curious.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A couple of days before the restlessness would start.

      1. Brian says:

        Have you been able to observe a mid-ranger if he cant find a girlfriend for several months?…and he has no other decent fuel supplies?
        I believe in one of your articles you mentioned a relative who rants down the phone to anyone who would listen, so that is what I am picturing at the moment.

      2. Brian says:

        Oh the ‘no contact feels’ article mentions isolation and depression.
        Im wondering how long they can milk pity for, before people get tired of that.

  22. Scout says:

    Hi HG. I’m a little confused. Based on your blogs I believed narcy was a LG. He’s aware of his behaviour. He’s cunning and is able ti keep a lid on his fury when it suits. He’s a charmer and pathological lair, but he said many of the things you’ve described in this blog. Is it possible for a narc to straddle both cadres?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You mean schools, not cadres. One may see elements from all three schools in a narcissist. This is because certain elements appear in all three schools anyway, sometimes it is (or as well) because the narcissist has elements from different schools (which are not found in all three schools) but is of a predominant school nevertheless. Thus you may well have a LGN who would say some of the items referred to in the article. Alternatively, he may be UMR for instance and is not a LGN.

      1. Scout says:

        Right. Interesting. So an UMR would know what he is then?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No.

          1. Scout says:

            Finally I know what Narcy is. Thank you for helping me find the answer HG. I may not like what you stand for but I do respect your honesty and integrity on this subject and for showing us the way out of the NPD mess. And just for you in my best Scouse accent I say, Ta very much, la!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha you are welcome Scout. Now, drink your milk or you will end up playing for Accrington Stanley!

      2. Scout says:

        Ha ha, HG, that’ll be a glass of oat milk in my case… Btw, that Accrington Stanley ad was one of the best ever. Put AS on the map.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          True, shit ground though.

          1. Scout says:

            Yes. Clearly, the publicity didn’t change their fortunes.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha, I like it.

  23. RS says:

    Maybe he wasn’t a mid-ranger because I can’t see him saying any of these things. He was more evil. . . like you.

  24. Lisa says:

    HG have you got a girlfriend at the moment a public one ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have. Why, are you interested in replacing her?

      1. Lisa says:

        Ha Ha !! What stage are you currently in with her ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Respite Period, purely because I am some distance away from her.

          1. ballerina9 says:

            Hi HG,
            When away on a business trip, with just proximate fuel from NIPSS, and only electronic contact with your IPPS and IPSS:

            1.For how long can you (personally) sustain this lower potency fuel before feeling “restless”?Β 

            2. Will Kim (assuming she’s still “The One”) be painted “white” again due to the brief separation when you are back home?

            3. Or will you resume your devaluation the minute you are with her?

            Thank you.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            1. You have to remember that fuel is made up of potency quantity and frequency thus

            a The fuel potency from the NISS will be moderate, the fuel potency from the IPSSs will be quite high, the fuel potencyfrom the IPSS will be high/very high.
            b. The fuel quantity from the NISS will be high owing to time spent and physical proximity, the fuel quantity from IPSS and IPPS will be mpderate since less time spent interacting and the fact it is provided through seeing and hearing on technology (e.g. Skype). If it was just telephone it would be moderately low and if just in writing low.
            c. The fuel frequency would be high for the NISS as drawing fuel from them repeatedly during the trip, low from IPSS and IPPS as only intermittent interaction with them.

            Restlessness is unlikely.

            2. Probably.

            3. Not necessarily the case.

          3. Yolo says:

            Are you still in Golden Period? Do you feel no need to use her for negative fuel because you have other sources to draw it from? With the blog, books, and other commitments do you have less energy to try to ensnare another IPPS?
            Or there’s no need to because she hasn’t malfunction?

          4. Lisa says:

            I know you will never change as you believe your narcissism works well for you. But is there never a time , particularly since writing your books and this blog that you don’t just take a step back and look at it and realise it’s not good for you , since you are so aware I don’t understand how that doesn’t make you think ? Why the hell am I doing this it’s NOT necessary ? You are no longer that child you know better now and have perspective on it ? Doesn’t that shift your thinking some what ?

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Tell me Lisa, where is it “not good for me”?

          6. Lisa says:

            Come on now Mr Tudor your not getting me into a circular round and round conversation . I just wondered how you can have so much perspective and yet still not step outside of it ? do you believe it’s a mental illness ?

          7. HG Tudor says:

            I’m not. Answer the question. Tell me where it is no good for me, I want to know. I do what I want, I get what I need, I lead an interesting, exciting and intriguing life. I go to many different places, I revel in controlling people. I influence events and there is so much more I could describe. I do not see where it is no good for me, so please tell me where you see that it is not.

            Why step outside of it when it serves my needs? Why step out of it when to do so would stop serving my needs?

          8. Love says:

            Sounds like you’re living the life you want, Mr. Tudor. You’re not in emotional agony nor chained by memories or regrets. As long you are enjoying yourself to the fullest, then continue on.

          9. Lisa says:

            You will never have a real loving relationship with anyone , but maybe that’s something you feel you don’t need , although you do like the fuel from that and that may prove more difficult to obtain romantically as you get older , unless you become a Hugh Hefner !! It’s just infuriating that your life would be all of what you describe with out being a narcissist , it would be all of that just because of you with no narcissism plus possibly more happiness on a loving personal level . I’ve seen narcissists in the work place that are naturally talented and would be liked and popular anyway , but can only operate through controlling and intimidating and manipulating everyone around them, none of which is necessary and they have miserable lives under the fake front . Do you think narcissists are mentally ill ?

          10. HG Tudor says:

            No I do not.

          11. Lisa says:

            No I do not
            My narc told me he doesn’t have the same needs that most humans have
            Probably very true !!
            Apart from when he’s hoovering me 😜

      2. So you have the next ipps lined up for promotion, correct?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No.

          1. Oh, I thought you always had potentials lined up.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            The IPSSs are Shelf. They might be promoted to Candidate and therefore they are potential in that sense, but they are not as proximate to potential as a current Candidate IPSS would be.

          3. I’ll have to redo my or chart… πŸ™‚

          4. Org chart

          5. Yolo says:

            Stronger Wendy,
            Org Charter, created by a Narc only for triangulation. Lol… I would love to see the organization chart for the white house.πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      3. Love says:

        Oh Mr. Tudor, don’t tease so. I was impressed to learn how strategic and calculated you were in choosing your current IPPS. She still serves your aims. Makes me think the application for such a position is harder to qualify for than that of an astraunat.

  25. Lisa says:

    OMG !! HG that bloody picture they are scaring me these pictures !! Is this what the mid range really believes or does he know deep down this is him that is the problem and this is the story he tells him self to administrator self fuel ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, this is what he believes.

      1. Somebody's Falling says:

        I think once upon a time I thought the “love” of my life was a greater, that he had to be because he had me so snowed. πŸ˜‰
        But now I realize he’s definitely the mid-range, no clue what he is and forever on his damn high horse. He recited this so much, I always chanted along with him, “You coulda, shoulda, woulda”….the problem is anyone but him. What I once saw as sexy and fascinating became infuriating…then dissipated to only a strange sadness for him.
        Thank you for shedding some light on a darkness that even he cannot see.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD says:

        It’s completely delusional and pitiful. They are the forever victim, the martyr… yet…. they don’t actually sacrifice anything. They just talk about it a lot because after all maybe if you say it enough you will start to believe it.

      3. Samantha Williams says:

        You have definitely outdone yourself with this one. I have been no contact for a month, I discarded him, broke it today because we had a legal matter together and I had a question. Of course he ignored me. I figured that because it has been a narcissistic injury. I sent him a text and told him it was a business question I don’t want him I’ve moved on, I’m at peace and he should get over me cutting him off. Of course he read it but ignored me. He cannot be alone I’ve caught him in the bed with a woman twice. I think he is done with me or is it a possibility of a Hoover?

      4. Sniglet says:

        Spot on HG. 100% accurate.

        I have emails with very similar wording from a mid-range narc.
        Because I know better – this type of person is not even frustrating any more, a nuisance – yes, but truly laughable.

  26. Mary says:

    You should stop hurting me. You should stop getting a kick out of this horrible treatment of me. You should stop being mean to someone who loves you… You should stop playing the games.”

    HG, so many of these “shoulds” I have actually said in my own head to my narc. And to my spouse at times. They are reasonable things to expect from someone who claims to love us.

    1. I dont believe those are comments from the primary source, although that’s how we feel. Those are comments and thoughts from the narc. I’ve heard them many times before. One reason why talking about your feelings and trying to make them accountable for their own behavior never has a positive outcome. They believe their warped sence of reality.

  27. The Bride says:

    That made my head spin

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