Utopia. You want it. We give it to you. What you may not realise is that you are the spark of inspiration for this utopia, we are not. We allow you to design this ideal world. Interestingly, your utopias are strikingly similar. It is a place where you are loved, protected and made to feel safe. For some of you it involves the trappings of comfort and prestige. The impressive residence which has been tastefully furnished inside and is laden with the benefit of society’s technological advances. It may manifest as a wardrobe that is bursting with the beautiful and eye-catching. It may hold the sensational from the art world or the most luxurious materials that the world has created over millions of years. In other instances it may be the presentation of a cup of tea on your night stand each morning that forms part of their perfect world.

Some of you reject the material and prefer to build this utopia on a foundation which you regard as more fulfilling, more deep-seated and nourishing. A land where mutual respect is a given, the simple pleasure of a stunning sunset evoking more delight and satisfaction than anything made by Bvlgari or Bentley. You want to be cherished, desired and listened to. For some it might be the intense passion of athletic love-making before the caress of soft hands lulls you into an all-encompassing slumber. Your utopia is a place where there is no anger, no tears and peace of mind. A place where one hand fits perfectly into another and will never let it go, a hand hold that says that it is okay to be frightened but you need not be because I will always be here. It is the knowledge that if you start to fall you will be caught. The wolf will always be kept from the door and nothing lurks in the darkness.  It is a halcyon world where the scent of dill onion bread, or bacon or pancakes signifies that we are together and you never want that fragrance to ever diffuse. So many of you offer different interpretations of what constitutes your utopia yet so many themes remain the same. Love, happiness, smiles, warmth, contentment, caring, laughter and passion are recurrent.

You build this utopia. The bricks are in the words that you say when you first meet us. Those sentences over dinner become walls that create these magnificent buildings that rise upwards into the azure sky. Those whispered desires the metal girders that criss cross as the monument to our relationship takes form. The desire in your eyes creates the undulating countryside and crafts the clear rivers that run through the beautiful meadows and fields that form in  your utopia. Your touch causes ripples across the landscape, creating and nurturing as the idyll forms. Everything you say and do, every expression and every glance, every thought and act is charged with such massive potential and it is all for the greater good. It is all to build utopia. You provide us with the plans and the materials and we set to, building this perfect world. You direct us and explain what utopia looks like, smells like and feels like. We are beholden to your instruction as we merely reflect what you want. You want to be called sweetheart every time we kiss you on the cheek? We do it. You want to dance through the night to the slowest of ballads? It is done. You want to receive a loving note through your letterbox? Consider it achieved. Each and every constituent part of this utopia is created by you, all we do is take what you want and make it happen. This is what we do. We are the facilitators of your dreams. We pay such close attention to the way you design this world, taking note of what should be excluded, what must be included and ensuring that every detail is executed.

We are so dedicated in our desire to build this perfect world for you that we spend as much time as we can with you, watching and observing, so that even your mannerisms begin to be included in this grand design. We are so skilled that we absorb everything about you, every hope, every desire and every dream and weave them into this utopia so that soon it begins to form and you marvel with an open mouth at how wonderful it is. It as if every breath you exhale creates another segment of this amazing place. Each heart beat thrusts life into it, every step you take transfers energy into this wonderland, your thoughts appear as if they were being written down as we somehow interpret them and cause them to become reality. You are the architect and we are merely the construction workers who endeavour to give you what you want and boy do we deliver. Nobody can create your utopia like us. Nobody has the skill or the dedication to bring this paradise to life. Does it matter that it is a construct, made from thoughts, dreams and wishes? Of course not, it is as real to you as the screen you now stare at and the fluttering sensation in your stomach. You can see it, taste, smell it, hear it and touch it. You are amazed at how perfect it is, it almost seems too incredible but it is not because you inspired it. You provided the drawings and plans and we brought it to life.

This is utopia.

This is all that you have ever wanted.

Now we have built it for you.

Does it matter that it is an illusion?

If so, well, you started it.

30 thoughts on “Utopia

  1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Thanks for reminding me of the golden period I never had.



    1. Narc affair says:

      Dr. H…In a lot of ways i wish i never experienced the so called golden period. It makes it difficult when its no longer there or tgey make it reappear sporadically. They are nasty to do that. Basically dangling a carrot.

      1. Mary says:

        Dr. HQ,

        I have to agree with Narc Affair on this. It serves its purpose of getting us addicted, but it isn’t real. The golden period is the ever elusive first high of a drug addiction. They act obsessed with us at first, but it’s because they are obsessed with conquering us. Once we get used to the lovebombing, they yank it away. Then, it becomes the dangling carrot as N.A. said. We see glimpses of that first high, and we are willing to destroy ourselves for just another chance at the damn first high.

      2. Narc affair says:

        Hi mary…the golden carrot is more a curse. Thats the whole pt imo of them building up the grand illusion to take it away and give it back in increments. If they had nothing to take away theyd have no power. The first 3 yrs were a lot of lovebombing, tons of sex and closeness but the last 3 have been a lot of intermittent reinforcement and power play.
        Another point to mention is they make sure to have supply in the background so they feel they can do anything they want and have a safety net. They know we dont operate that way and we put our all into one person. They think nothing about moving on while still in the relationship.

  2. Narc affair says:

    Honestly i wouldve went along with the facade anyways bc it really feels good but the problem is this…they build utopia up to bind us but also to take it away. Thats such an important aspect of the building up in narcissism its there to take away. The taking away is what gives them the control and keeps us hooked bc we want it back. Narcissists are indian givers. They give and they take away. This is their form of control and punishment.

  3. Jody Allen says:

    My Utopia involved Halloween Costumes, a Stripper Pole, Skinny dipping in the pool and getting freaky in the backyard…
    Maybe next time I’ll aim higher during my Golden Period..

  4. RS says:

    “You started it”. . . spoken like a true child.

  5. Khaleesi says:

    Hahaha “If so, well, you started it.”

    After the golden period, when I would say “I love you” to the exnarc his reply would often be “That’s your own damn fault” or “Nobody loves me”

  6. gabbanzobean says:

    Wow. Mind blown yet again. Powerful yet haunting.

    1. Mary says:

      Yes, very powerful. HG writes about his kind in such a chillingly accurate way.

  7. Matilda says:

    Beautifully written!! How well you know what we need to hear, how easy it is for you to say it…

    If I ever have another date, I will not talk about my hopes and dreams… I will ask many questions and let him speak first, he will have no chance to mirror.

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Matilda says:

        yes. Progress.

    2. RS says:

      I’m right there with you, Matilda!

      1. Matilda says:

        This was a huge learning curve for me, RS!

        I was totally besotted with my narc, and told him everything he wanted to know. I wanted a *life* with him, I laid my secrets bare, for him to really ‘see’ me and understand what he would be in for. I told him of old wounds, silently hoping that he would not do what they did… how incredibly naive of me.

        I still want complete honesty as I cannot imagine being with someone, harbouring secrets… but one has to be very careful about selection and timing.

        1. RS says:

          Yes, after this I will have to think twice about revealing personal information about myself to anyone. I used to say it freely but not anymore. It’s sad that it has to be that way. I am a very honest person and finding that there are so many people out there that use that against you. . . well.

      2. Matilda says:

        Yes, the world has become a little bleaker since the ordeal…

      3. Narc affair says:

        Hi matilda…i can understand your fear bc i have that fear now too of giving up too much of myself. No person is without fault and people can without knowing hurt others or disappoint them however a narcissist is a totally different case. They set out from the get go to destroy and a normal person this is not the case. You can tell someone whose not a narcissist what they did hurt you and they usually will think on it and apologise or discuss it. A narcissist will either lie and pretend theyre sorry but keep doing it and increasing it or they will flat out deny it.
        Its scary to open up again but i think its more about taking a longer time before doing so. We definitely have the advantage of seeing the red flags and being able to withdraw from future encounters with these types of people.
        Its difficult after youve been abused this way bc you dont ever want to leave yourself vulnerable again.

      4. Matilda says:

        “Its scary to open up again but i think its more about taking a longer time before doing so.”

        Yes, that’s the best we can do proactively, Narc affair! And listen to our gut!

    3. Mary says:

      Same here, Matilda.

      Being married, I don’t date. I’ve come across a few guys online who were flirty, which is fine. However, a charming one said rather quickly “Tell me everything. I want to know all there is to know about you.” Ummm… no. I don’t care if you are on another continent and there’s no chance of meeting you face to face. No one is getting access to my vulnerabilities until he proves himself at least somewhat worthy and consistent and tells me his first! NOT happening.

      And if I am single in the future and dating, the same policy will apply. There is never a guarantee against being hurt or rejected, but at least there are some types of hurt we can see coming from miles away and love ourselves enough to shut it down, thanks to HG and our experiences.

      1. Matilda says:

        I agree, Mary. We cannot ever be safe from hurt, but we shall not enable and accelerate the abuse by serving our vulnerabilities on a silver plate. Dreadful times we’re living in.

      2. Narc affair says:

        Matilda…thats just it..we serve our vulnerabilities up on a platter being the open hearted people we are as empaths. Even throughout the relationship when hed devalue me or upset me in some way id let him know and why in detail not knowing he would keep track of it all to use even more at a later date.
        Its insidious to study a person and take what hurts them the most to hurt them even more with it. That imo is the ugliest part about a narcissist.

      3. Matilda says:

        “Its insidious to study a person and take what hurts them the most to hurt them even more with it.”

        Absolutely, Narc affair. My narc thinks all he needs to do is apologise and tell me how lovely I am, and all is forgiven and forgotten. Not in a million years…

        Well, we are told by the so-called experts to articulate our feelings, aren’t we? To say that it hurt, and WHY! To openly communicate all of that!!

        What they do NOT take into consideration, and probably do not even grasp, is that narcs and empaths are not on the same page… we pursue different goals with our actions and reactions, as HG rightly pointed out!

  8. I designed my own Utopia, you are right about that. Then I was left stuck with it in my mind only. Still fucked up over it, laughing at myself and pissed at myself all at the same time. Still feeling the void of him being gone even though he showed me that he was a common bastard.

    I am torn between missing him and wanting to slit his throat. I am so glad I live in a rural area where he played himself, and he disappeared, too embarrassed to show his face because his friends and family now know that he lied, cheated, and broke my heart. He was hanging around wealthy people and lying about their assets being his. The shame would have been on me if I had allowed his FUH to work 9 months post discard. I told him to put a gun inside his mouth, pull the trigger, and rid all of his future, potential victims of his fake love. He is the first guy that I never tried to pay back, and I don’t want or need to now. It takes everything I have not to give in to that urge.

    I will never reveal the blueprint to my wishes, desires, goals, and plans to another dude again. Hard ass lesson learned. My Utopia will be delivered by yours truly because that’s the only way I will get it anyway.

    1. Narc affair says:

      Narcked…im so sorry you were duped too. Its a hard lesson in life 🙁 i revealed so much about myself to the narc. He knew my vulnerabilities and he used those same weaknesses to devalue me in a terrible way while pretending to be my friend. Its the cruelest thing you can do to someone. I refuse to let him ruin me and still hold hope that one day i will be happy again. You will too ❤

      1. I know. I should have stuck with my instincts. I thought he was ugly initially, but he worked every day and he was so damn nice. When I did research on him, everyone said he was a good man. He Love bombed me to death, and I had a long golden period. I went from saying “He’s ugly, I can’t do it” to “I know he’s ugly but I love him”. I lowered my standards because I was broken from a long co-dependent, violent relationship from age 14 to 33 off-and-on, and I thought he would be easy to love, and he was, We didn’t fight, rarely argued, and he was stuck to me like glue. He talked about our future and business ventures we both had or wanted. He only mirrored what I told him I wanted and fed it back to me.

        Three years of celibacy and loneliness made me think I should give him a shot, normally his type would get a laugh from me because I used to be so shallow, but this time I tried to be different and look for husband qualities not physical qualities.

        I guess I projected my brokenness and he was able to pick up on it. I went to his business as a patron many times before I finally took him up on his offer to call him. Turns out it wasn’t his business at all, it was his uncle’s, and all of the so-called assets he had were just side jobs/hustles he had to make extra money, they belonged to someone else he was just a property manager.

        Three years wasted. He made me look like a fool, picking out wedding gowns, furniture, etc. I get so mad thinking about it, but I persevered. I will have the last laugh because I can get those things still. He’s exposed here. He will have to continue to move around and latch onto broken women like the leech/parasite that he is. I am working on my happiness and I refuse to not be “too nice” as they say and change who I am; I will, however, be more cautious and do more research and stop taking people at their word so much. Looking like a fool doesn’t feel so good when you are in a small town community, but at least everyone knows in case he comes back here with his tail between his legs. It’s up to them to take heed or fall for his lies and get ensnared. For me, he’s lucky he’s still breathing and he knows that. So he knows not to ever make contact with me again.

  9. Mona says:

    I do not understand, why you build up this utopia. All for that smile, an admiring view at you? All for one of your drugs: positive fuel. I really do not need this utopia, I need someone to rely on in the jungle of everyday life. I do not want someone who steals money from someone else to present me my utopia. I do not want someone who does every thing I want and at the same time he devalues another person because he cannot stand it to listen to my music, which he does not really like or cooks for me, what he does not like or makes sex with me in a way, he does not prefer. I did not start this illusion, you did. You could have disagreed on things you do not like, but you presented a false self. You did. You did not tell me about your real wishes and desires and needs. Maybe I would have you rejected, if you did so. And that you hate most.

  10. ava101 says:

    I know this well.
    And every relationship is kind of based on this – own visions, ideals, patterns, basic needs, … that have not that much to do with love, and partners are oftentimes interchangeable indeed.
    Thanks to you I had realised some time ago how exactly I had given the ingredients into the hands of my exnarc.
    One is so caught up in one’s own world when meeting the narc that one really doesn’t notice. All to do with own wishes, the ego, etc. You actually turn this weakness into your advantage.

    But HG – how is it for you? Your utopia is based on a few corner pillars, some basic functionalities (or assets … a house, 4 phones, ….) – and the setting for the story is changing all the time? The story unfolds the same, no matter if there are palm trees or a city in the background? No matter what music is used for the scene?

    Why are your tastes not that important? You are completely unattached to what you like?

    Ah, how I wish that you would use your knowledge and skills not in such an inverted way, for destructive, pain inflicting ends.

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