Little Acons – No. 38

TODAY MOTHER'SLITTLE GOLDEN SOLDIERTOMORROWA DICTATOR

82 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 38

  1. Mona says:

    K,
    thank you very much for your comment . I agree with all of that.

    I struggle very often with my English knowledge. It is not easy to express what I really mean without enough English knowledge and/ or my feelings and my need to express myself overrun me and I want to write down a comment too fast and I do not reread it a second time.

    Sometimes I do not understand some comments of others and I do not know whether it is because of the different meaning of words (dictionary) or if the comments of some people are a little bit strange or whether I am strange (never- ever! that is impossible (joke) ) .

    It is still interesting for me to see how people feel. There is no other place where you can find so different opinions about feelings and the reactions of people towards feelings and the behaviour patterns of other people.

    I see my own character traits clearer now. And I learn to “manage” my mother. She is a mid range too and full of self-pity with a lack of real empathy for the needs of other people, but she can hide it very well. I know now where it came from. Therefore I have me peace with it – but always I am cautious with her. I cannot trust her.

    Please protect yourself. Best wishes, Mona.

  2. Mona says:

    HG, I agree.

  3. Mona says:

    Love,

    I did not answer until yet. I agree with your disagreement. Yes, you are right, we cannot become narcissists .It was only a bitter comment of me. It would be the only way to bear their behaviour … without a lot of damage. When I take a look at the marriage of my narc`s parents, what a hell!
    But both seemed to enjoy the battle…. in a peculiar way. Each day they found something to torment the other one. If one of them was friendly it seemed to be the signal for the other one for a hurting comment. It seemed as if they loved the hate between them. In public they said, that they were happily married. Behind closed doors in presence of me and their son, Brrrrrr….
    No way for me!
    I want to spend a narcfree life in future!
    Yes, we need a lot of love in this world but only for people who can appreciate it. I do not waste my time on abusers any more.

    1. Love says:

      ❀ to you Mona

  4. June says:

    If the happiest moment of my life has already happened…that is not a happy thought.

    I kind of nervously laughed the thought off at first. Like, ha ha, HG is in the mood for some negative fuel it seems. πŸ˜€ But then my thoughts came back to it again and again. I thought about it while trying to listen to some music…I thought about it while I was trying to watch the end of the latest Game of Thrones episode…I thought about it while I was trying to decide what to eat for breakfast today. I couldn’t fully enjoy any of it. Because that moment was almost exactly 10 years ago…and I’ve never been able to reach that high since. Sigh.

    It’s not like I burst into tears (yet), but it has derailed my thoughts this morning. It’s like a leaky faucet in my brain. Ugh.

    (melodramatically while shaking fist in the air) Curse you, HG! CURSE YOU!!!!

    But seriously, I’m going have to try to find something to get my mind off that horrible thought right now. And I hope you enjoy your Thought Fuel.

    1. K says:

      I love when everyone talks about you like you are not there….it is almost like talking about you behind your back, but not.

      from Mona’s comment:
      One of them said, that HG is exaggerating about the β€œevil” inside of him and other narcs, this narc painted his behaviour white and a little bit innocent. Why is he then diagnosed as a narcissist?

      Ha ha ha ha ha ha, those other narcs haven’t read your books yet!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        One suspects they are not.

      2. Mona says:

        K,
        I read my own comment again and I think it was not enunciated very well and could lead to misunderstanding. Therefore I try to make it a little bit clearer:
        One of them said, that HG is exaggerating about the “evil” inside of him (HG) and other narcs, this narc painted his own behaviour white and a little bit innocent. I wondered, why is this narc then diagnosed as a narcissist?

        To admit: this narc has had ten years of therapy behind him and still does not see clearly, how hurtful he must have been in the past.
        On the other hand I saw a glimpse of understanding. He said that he was surprised that other people said, he is not empathic. He himself thought in the past that he was an empathic man…. He really believed that.
        That would underline HG`s statement, that mid range really do not know what they are….
        ..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Doesn’t undermine it at all. I consistently state that the Mid Ranger (usually MMR/UMR) recognises the hurt (or some of the hurt caused) but does not own the consequence of the hurt.
          Also keep in mind that the mea culpa mea maxima culpa routine is the hall mark of the MR’s manipulation. It is so easy to state “I realise now I have done bad things, please help me” to gain fuel. To live by atoning etc is a different matter altogether.

      3. K says:

        Hello Mona!

        Thanks for being clearer. I love reading your comments and I had a little chuckle when I read about “HG is exaggerating about the evil Inside him”. I think HG is honest about the “evilness” in himself and all of his kind. Mid-rangers definitely do not see what they are; I know a mid-ranger who is asking me questions about NPD but she doesn’t realize she is one, too. It is really weird!

        HG’s comment is excellent because my ex mid-ranger knew he was hurting me but he kept doing it and wouldn’t own it. And he would pull that mea culpa line all the time. The best part about this blog is learning from everyone here and the comments are fabulous.

        My narc mother is here and won’t stop talking to me, so sorry if there are errors. I gotta take her to the bank; she is a pain-in-the-ass!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Entirely accurate K.

    2. MLA - Clarece says:

      I’m feelin’ ya June. Big time. HG was really spreading the sunshine around with that million dollar question. lol
      (I still love ya HG)

  5. DebbieWolf says:

    My happiest moment has never happened.
    Never.
    Happy things yes.
    Not the happiest.
    I dont know whether its something i now dread.
    Its much further to fall.

    1. DebbieWolf says:

      Good Advice savour every moment.
      and it’s true that we can take things for granted.
      Best to be happy in the moment, and now is all we have. Let every moment hold its own and who knows where it will lead. βš…

      🐾

  6. Mona says:

    Hey Dr. Q,

    it could be that he has the chance to lead a more satisfying life. I agree.

    At the moment I am not able to forgive him (as a symbol for my narc) and to wish him the very best. I cannot, although he personally did me no harm and I see that he helps a lot of women. No, to grant forgiveness is not my outstanding character trait. Not yet. (narcissistic trait, I know)

    But now I look at you, you have to find someone to satisfy your sexual needs, and I wish , that there are others out in the world, who like the same you like and you do not need to be part of a narcissistic relationship to fulfill your needs (sexual and other needs) ! That is a too high price for it.

    I know it is very difficult to find someone who is a caring one and has special sexual needs. I know, that they are , it is unfortunately rare too.

    At last, I have to apologise, I was very mean to you in the past. I am sorry for that.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Mona,

      It’s okay. I really appreciate your apology. I’m glad you are getting to know me better and you can see I’m not so bad lol!

      I’m a bit sexually complicated these days due to ultimately being sexually abused for four years. I feel like it has gotten a bit better but I still like cringe and jump a bit when people touch me.

      I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I’m not easily or often attracted to people. I can’t do anything sexual anymore with someone I’m not attracted to – not after everything I’ve been through – it would make me want to like vomit and rip my skin off.

      As time rolls on foward I have noticed that my awkward and overall shitty sexual memories are starting to become less clear. Maybe it’s my minds way of blocking things out or maybe I’m starting to get over it.

      All I know is that I have a certain need for stimulation that is very difficult to satisfy. It takes a lot for me to feel very “alive”. I can relate to HG in the sense that he has a need for contrast … maybe it’s not contrast maybe it’s just the need for something different or new.

      The type of excitement I need comes from the inside. It’s not the kinda shit people think of – like jumping out of an airplane or taking crazy ass risks with my life. It’s mental stimulation which in turn translates into emotional and sexual stimulation.

      I don’t seek out narcs, sociopaths, and psychopaths. They come to me or I run into them personally as well as professionally lol. I appreciate some of them – the chosen few because there is something admirable about them – the high functioning ones. They have something that I want and they understand a piece of me that most people judge or don’t accept. I would be lying if I said that they don’t sexually excited me lol. They serve multiple purposes for me.

      I would love to find someone who could satisfy any of my needs to be honest with you lol. The person who can satisfy all or most of my needs definetly has to be someone um …. ‘different’.

      I can’t just settle. I can’t do that anymore. Not after the shit show I’ve been through. I just can’t make myself have sex with someone that I don’t really want to.

      Like a narcissist I require a lot of attention from the person I am with. If they can’t keep up … I lose interest or find the attention I need somewhere else. I’m not nearly at the level of an actual narcissist but I need attention – we all do.

      I have no issues with HG because he has done nothing to me. I don’t lie to myself or blind myself to what he is. He has been nothing but nice to me so I don’t need to forgive him. I too…. suck in the forgiveness department. I never forget.

      Thanks for opening yourself up to me πŸ€“πŸ˜„

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        Hi Dr. Q! Without going into a lot of detail, I identify with a lot of your same feelings. You may not be so weird after all. Lol
        My struggle is if this is seriously all I have left to look forward to outside of motherhood (which I do love) but it is not enough, I sure don’t need to walk the earth into my 80’s or 90’s like this.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Imagine Clarece (or any reader) if the happiest moment in your life has already happened?

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Already have. Aren’t you full of fun tickets today…

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I am aren’t I? How did you feel when you considered this?

          3. MLA - Clarece says:

            Not. Fucking. Good.

          4. Love says:

            I translate the ‘happiest moment’ to the highest high I feel when in love. If I no longer could feel that sensation…. Gosh no, I won’t even think such unpleasant thoughts.
            My therapist says you have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs.
            🌈

          5. Cβ˜… says:

            that’s a grim thought….

          6. Cβ˜… says:

            along those lines… I have always thought about the “lasts”, where as most think about the “firsts”… of course I never felt I could say that out loud till just now & here….

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        HG,

        Answering your question….

        I can’t imagine because I know it hasn’t happened yet lol.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yet.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Clarece,

        I’m glad someone can relate πŸ˜„

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Yet….lol

      5. Mona says:

        Dr. Q..
        I am glad, that you accepted my apology.

        In one case we are very different. I do not admire powerful ? people. Sometimes that causes a lot of trouble for me.

        l admire aptitudes, but that does not allow anyone to behave like an elephant in a porcelain shop or allow him to demand a special behaviour.

        I really hope, you find someone to open up again. It takes time to heal after this experience, but it is possible.

        There are millions of men in this world, why should there be no one who fits to you?

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Mona,

        That was really sweet! I admire HG’s ability to detach and do what needs to be done. Those are some of the characteristics he has that are quite positive in many ways.

        I hope I can find someone. I’m not okay with just….settling on something that doesn’t satisfy me.

        I’d rather be alone then do that EVER again.

        Maybe you’re right…maybe I’m still healing so I’m not emotionally available? All I know is that when someone gets my attention I’m like ZONEEEED in and it’s very difficult to do that.

      7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Mona,

        I wouldn’t say I admire powerful people. SOME I do – because I feel they deserve it. Others not so much.

        I actually have a lot of issues with authority.

        I hate being controlled.

        LMAO

      8. HG, regarding happiest moments. I believe I have many to look forward to (but along with the happy moments come the shitty moments). I just remind myself that nothing lasts forever – the happy or bad moments. So I plan to enjoy the hell out of the happy moments and know that the bad moments can be overcome.

      9. Narc affair says:

        Hg…what you said about our happiest moment already been here should be a lesson to enjoy every moment and stop waiting for the best to come. Its ok to dream and want more but dont get so caught up in it you forget to value and enjoy the simplier moments in life. I find some of my memories i didnt think much of at the time were some of my most fondest. We take so much for granted in life.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Savour every moment. The creed of the narcissist.

      10. Narc affair says:

        My happiest moment was the day my twins were born. Nothing will ever top that. My second favorite is the time span in my 20’s with my hubby. We had a lot of fun back then. Time stood still and there was mcdonalds pizzas πŸ˜„ those pizzas were soooo good they need to bring those back!!

  7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    There comes a point when you look at yourself – see the good and the bad – and accept it. You realize you can compensate for your weaknesses and that every single thing on this planet is flawed in some way. What is flawed? Flawed is simply human variation. Nobody wants someone who is perfect and what is perfect to one person varies to the next.

    It’s only when you can accept yourself that you are truly free because you have nothing left to prove and can just be. Interestingly enough HG is half free because of his lack of conscience but he can choose to do things that are considerate.

    I think everyone is so fast to look outside themselves for answers when the real answers are going to come from the inside. Sure, outside experiences and events can certainly inspire inner growth and we can help HG get there but the truth is … he needs to want to… he needs to figure out if he wants to change and what change means to him. Other questions he needs to ask is what he wants to change and then start brainstorming how to go about this change.

    Right now it appears as if he is contemplating change.

    I think the grand design will calm a lot of rage inside but it won’t change some core issues.

  8. Mona says:

    Dr, Harleen Quinzel,
    I agree with the most what you said except the last paragraph. What kind of person should that be?

    I believe, it is his attitude towards women, relationship, and the definition of the word “love” , that he has to change, if he still wants to find someone to share his life with. As long as he sees a relationship as a power battle,or as long as he sees us as objects, no woman will ever fit his dreams. He will degrade her- earlier or later.

    Or – he will find someone to live a life-long power battle. Then he has to take a narcissistic woman like his mother. Then he has to change his hunting grounds.

    Look at Richard Burton and Liz Taylor. Both very impressive personalities. What a fight about power in the relationship!!!

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Mona,

      I totally see what you are saying. You make a lot of points. At this stage … at this moment… all of what you said will probably happen. I believe that if he confronts and accepts who he is that is the first step in the right direction. Then he would have to allow himself to be vulnerable and then alter some of his behaviors to maintain the relationship. It might not even be a conventional relationship – maybe somewhat open – there are so many possibilities when you think outside of the box.

      He is capable of being considerate – stopping and thinking about what the nice thing to do is …. for him it’s a choice …. he not unaware. To me it doesn’t matter that he feels it or not. The very fact that he is altering his behaviors because he values the person in whatever way he does is enough in many way ways.

      From what I have observed … HG is contemplating change. He isn’t ready for change – whatever that change may be… because it’s what he wants to change. When I say change I don’t mean change the core of who he is or force feed ideas, attitudes, perceptions on him.

      He will revert back to his old behaviors when upset it’s only natural. It can be minimized.

      He can be more fulfilled. He’s trying to find ways to be fulfilled…. he just isn’t quite sure how and if it’s worth the risk.

      The person he should be with is someone who understands him, has his back 100, is sensitive but won’t let Herself be abused by him. This individual can do what needs to be done. She lets him be the man but she Has a very strong character.

      The only way he will be able to keep this person is if he does all the things I mentioned above. He will have to do it for himself.

      Like I said this doesn’t have to be a typical conventional relationship – this person could be more open and willing to have sex with other women etc.

      1. Mona says:

        Dr. Harleen Quinzel,
        please do not understand the following lines as an attack …

        I do not believe, that he is interested in women, who like to have sex with other women. At this moment he seems to be interested in women, who are not interested in that and he can force them, seduce them to do it for him. He likes to see their will breaking.
        That seems to be his main interest. It is the control over them and the sadistic streak that drives him.

        If you do it freely, because you like it too, it is less fun for him.

        At least “my” narc was of that kind. He talked about women, who lived their sexuality freely, very bad.

        He rejected them, talked about their sexuality in public to humiliate them, made them a “whore”.

        When I wanted to get my sexual needs met, then I had to play the innocent one, who does not like this or that. And then he did all to seduce me to do it for him.

        It was so crazy and absurd. I had to persuade him, that I do not like it and then I got, what I really wanted from the beginning.

        It is so sad, they use your sexuality against you….

        Everything is against you . Everything you like is used against you after a while. They want to satisfy their hate against women.

        Of course, they do not confess that, they even do not confess that to themselves (midrange).

        Just yesterday, I went to another blog, where diagnosed ! narcissists talk about themselves and their thoughts. One of them said, that HG is exaggerating about the “evil” inside of him and other narcs, this narc painted his behaviour white and a little bit innocent. Why is he then diagnosed as a narcissist?

        Dr. Quinzel, you have to give up your own personality, if you want to be with a narc.

        You can be a very strong woman, he wants to break you after a while.

        The only way to live this life, is to be a narc yourself and to abuse each other for a while.

        Trust and intimacy is not possible with them. Both are requirements for love.

        1. Love says:

          Mona, I agree with you that narcs don’t celebrate a woman’s sexuality or her desires. How can a narc love and truly enjoy women when his first love, his mother, caused so much hurt and pain? They have deep seethed anger toward our gender. I’ve stated many times that we empaths are manipulative too. Your sexual manipulation of the narc was very smart. I’m happy you discovered a way to get your needs met. Otherwise, if you were open and honest about your desires, you would have been punished for being a ‘whore’. That is also a stigma in many cultures.
          However, I disagree that we empaths must behave as narcs. Our empathy is too deep and strong and they would see right through our facade.
          We both are here for a reason. To balance each other. We need a great amount of empathy/love in this world.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Hey Mona,

        I don’t take it as an attack at all :). I actually agree with practically all of your points and feel similarly; however I believe HG is a slightly different situation because he is so high functioning and is a narcissistic psychopath.

        Psychopaths need stimulation and get bored easily. Monogamy is really not their ‘thing’.

        I think HG would have fun directing his IPPS and another woman while they engage in sexual activity (because he likes being in control). I do strongly believe he would use someones sexuality against them in devaluation. My point before was more about how he would need a woman and a relationship that was more unconventional to satisfy his constant need for stimulation.

        Generally speaking I would say all the things you are saying to someone who came to me asking about a narc BUT I truly believe HG is one of those RARE ones that actually has a chance at a more satisfying, fulfilling life.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Mona,

        What blog are you talking about? The one with narcs talking about themselves and stuff….

        That is pretty interesting. I wonder why they think HG is exaggerating about the darkness inside of him….hmmm…

        Psychopaths can have like a mutual parasitic relationship. I think there are a lot of factors to take into consideration regarding relationships with narcs, psychopaths, sociopaths, or hybrids.

        Factors to consider:
        Insight
        Intelligence
        Developmental History
        Comorbidity
        Family History
        traumatic events
        Support networks in place (family, friends, therapists)
        Desire to change whatever is troubling the person
        – SES can motivate someone to change their behaviors because they feel as though they have to because it will benefit them

      4. You mean this person could be open and willing for him to have sex with other women or that she is open and willing to have sex with other women…?

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Wendy,

        Probably both lol….

  9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    In the case of HG, I believe there was a genetic predisposition and the environment shaped him. I don’t believe he inherited “bad” traits. He inherited different ones. I feel like we as so fast to label things bad that aren’t the norm. It’s human variation. Some of these so called “bad” traits are superior traits in certain circumstances. He may not be able to form attachments like a typical
    Person does but I certainly believe he can connect to people if he chooses – if he allows himself to. In fact, that is what he is doing here in many ways. This a safe forum for him to experiment with being himself. When I say connect, connections can take place in various ways. He certainly can develop mental connections with people.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thanks Dr Q, good observations there.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        HG,

        No problem 😁. The truth is that you aren’t bad. You are trying to survive the only way you know how. Unfortunately people get hurt pretty bad along the way.

        I have a problem when people put a label on what’s good or bad because that truly is a matter of perception.

        All you want (a good portion of the time) is to be validated and understood. Your whole life it’s like no one ever said it was okay to feel how you feel and be who you are.

        This blog is a good place to experiment with being who you are. You will get plenty of people who won’t get it and who will label you but i go through that on a daily basis as well. I am not conventional – I am fucking weird and most people don’t understand me and frustrate me and tell me who I should be. Yes, it is frustrating – but there are people that will validate and understand you and won’t tell you who and what to be.

        You don’t need anyone’s acceptance or approval.

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          Hi Dr. Q! I understand surviving and everyone can perceive what’s good or bad differently, however, what about sadistic acts and behavior? You said you feel weird. But how hurtful to other humans is you being weird? That’s where I stop off and feel behavior most definitely needs to be modified. Just curious to take the conversation deeper, not a criticism of your comments at all. I want to make sure you know that!

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Hey Clarece,

        No worries I don’t take it as a criticism.
        I believe HGs sadistic acts are more about exerting power over someone- especially over someone who he perceives has wronged him or someone that represents someone who has wronged him. It’s kind of like an act of justice. They deserved it… they had it coming. Maybe he feels as though he is doing something right by hurting and by punishing.

        I’m not saying it’s right or wrong or judging it but that’s easy for me to say since I’m not on the receiving end and I certainly acknowledge that. I’m trying to take myself out of myself when viewing some of his behaviors.

        My weirdness… does it hurt people?? Hmmm… most of the time no but we all hurt people unintentionally. My dark humor certainly can be hurtful to some people. It might hurt someone’s feelings if you don’t want to go on a date with them. I’m sure you are talking more about intentional directed hurt. So yeah I would say my weirdness pretty much doesn’t hurt.

    2. Cβ˜… says:

      “Connect”, as to plug into an appliance, yes

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Cstar,

        I believe he can mentally connect it’s the emotional part that is missing and that’s where fuel comes in.

        1. Cβ˜… says:

          I agree with that point

    3. MLA - Clarece says:

      Hi Dr. Q! Yes, I believe he connects with people all the time. He connects with his friends who he enjoys their company and likes them. He connects with his targets or else why would they be targets in the first place if they didn’t poses traits he was drawn to? He is a biological man at the end of the day where natural attraction and chemistry still exists. It’s the next level, where true bonding is the challenge because it involves intimacy.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Hey Clarece!

        He mentally connects with some people. I see someone who wants to relate whether he acknowledges it or not.

        He is free to express himself here. He is actually very tolerant of other people’s opinions and perspectives.

        He is much more reasonable than most people realize.

        Most of the time he just wants to be validated and understood.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Only in here Dr Q.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Hi HG, Dr. Q. and Mona!
            That was a very interesting exchange with a lot of insightful observations you both made with how you perceive HG through the blog.
            HG, I’m wondering if either Dr. O or Dr. E have made any similar observations if you ask them for feedback that are similar to either lades comments?
            I think at times, HG is curious and contemplates what it would be like to truly trust someone at some point and with that, then explore intimacy. But he has a track record of stipulations that come with that. Someone has to offer sanctuary for him without restraining him. He does need to feel validated, understood and adored, continuously. But I think he would welcome being challenged as long as those 3 things did not feel that they were being stripped away.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        HG,

        Agreed.

    4. I agree Dr. Q.

  10. Mona says:

    Twilight,

    I do not know, if I understood your last question right. Do you mean, whether he started this blog without the problems she caused?

    I have no clear opinion about it. It could be some kind of a valve for him to live his other side, which is in in him also.
    Why do I think like that?
    I remember someone, who was married to a very successful and dominant man. He used to go once in a month to a domina, which was very painful for his wife. He needed it so much, he could not stop it. He needed someone, where he could live his submissive side. It has had nothing to do with sexuality, it was about power and punishment.
    He is/was a very powerful man, no one ever tried to disagree him. And he did not allow anyone else to contradict him in his public life.. But there at the domina`s house he could be free…

    Or do you mean, whether HG would not be the kind of man we know him?

    Again, I have no clear opinion about it. That is the question, which no scientist can answer at this moment.

    I believe, there are some strong genetic traits inside him. I call it the natural traits. I believe he is a very proud and vulnerable man with a lot of “natural” envy and jealousy. He is a dominant because of his nature. And he is ambitious. Not to forget his manipulative abilities. The last three ones very useful traits to survive and to be successful.
    I believe, that there are other genetic traits inside of him too, which were suppressed by his education. The loving side of him. All the missing feelings, they were there too. But they were amputated by the behaviour of his parents. They could not be developed and grow too.

    Without the influence of his parents or with more helping influence of other people he would still have these “bad” character traits, but they would not dominate his whole thinking and his whole behaviour. He could be able to love someone. . and to feel joy, happiness and things like that.

    Look at Gunter Sachs. He was an outstanding man and he led a turbulent life.. And he was able to love his wife, Mirja. I did not see her crumbling and fading in their relationship.

    All I know, HG recognises more and more the similarities between his behaviour and the behaviour of his parents. What is genetic and what is learnt? He has to find the answers in himself.

    And what does he want to be?

    He always seems to think, that, if he would change his attitudes only a little bit, he would lose a lot of power or fuel. But is that true?

    I believe that is the most difficult and dangerous experiment for him in his life, although that sounds crazy for “normal” people.

    1. Twilight says:

      Mona

      What I was saying is if he didn’t go through what he did he wouldn’t be able to convey this message as throughly as he does. His words effect many on different levels. He is able to connect with them in a way that helps them achieve freedom from the emotional turmoil they are going through.
      I will never agree with what his mother did was right, He is an amazing man with so many talents, some still hidden from the world. Will he win this battle he has against his mother, yes he will!!
      His dominanate traits are not “bad” it is ones perspective and he was taught this was “bad” as a child.
      Love was taught to be something very different, love is an action and when a child is abused they see love shown as a very different action, on top of this you have the issue of trust. A mothers trust is the foundation for a child. When it is betrayed…it is something very hard to forgive and just forget.

  11. June says:

    Ah, my brother. Just yesterday, he left camp without telling anybody where or that he was going. Many calls and texts were made to his phone, but no reply. When he finally did come home, my mother yelled at him “WTF was your phone off?!”

    My brother brazenly admitted that his phone wasn’t off. πŸ˜€ Wow, that kid has guts. (My mother was livid.) And then he STILL managed to talk his way out of any punishment whatsoever.

    Yes, he’s not the nicest or the most considerate, or even anywhere close to that, but sometimes I wish I could be that awesome. πŸ˜€

    1. June says:

      And with all the times SHE’S done the same thing to my brother and me…it almost feels like karmic justice.

  12. Mona says:

    She won, HG, she won.

    1. Twilight says:

      Mona
      I am curious as to why you believe his mother has won, I don’t mean any disrespect to your opinion just curious to your views.

      1. Mona says:

        It is no disrespect to ask. HG mentioned somewhere that his mother wanted him to be successful in that manner that he is the best fitting of the siblings to fulfill her desires of power and to fulfill the family motto: “Victoria aut morte “. She (and his father) trained him to be cruel and successful. He always wins and is powerful. She forced her son to do what she wanted and to be what she wanted. He still follows the family tradition being cruel within his closer relationships.She destroyed her son in many ways. He had found a little emergency exit of this family tradition in helping empaths to escape people like his parents. But he is not willed or yet not able to change his own relationships. Therefore she got her will. And he is still in her grip. He is a predator. The only thing she forgot: she fed him too much…

        That remembers me of the old dynasties in the Ottoman Empire, where it was expected from society that the the sons of the sovereign had to kill each other, until the best of them survives. The best was expected to kill his own father….., so the dynasty would be the strongest in the world. It was very, very cruel.
        And what happened to the dynasties in the end? Graves with bones in it.. (beautiful graves)

        1. Twilight says:

          Mona

          Thank you for replying back.
          I understand why you view this the way you do .

          Do you believe this message would be coming forth in the way it is, if she had not done as she did, or HG wasn’t as he is?

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Mona,

        I certainly can see and understand your perspective. I personally don’t believe she has won. It may appear that way for right now but I think it’s a matter of time before it all blows up in her face. Winning is a matter of perception.

        Obviously I don’t condone being cruel and manipulative in interpersonal relationships but it’s what he feels he has to do. Being vulnerable is not easy especially when you were betrayed by people who were supposed to protect you. The world is perceived as a harsh and uncaring place where no one can be trusted.

        If I were HG, I wouldn’t trust anyone either. I would be just waiting for the person to let me down. I would make sure I had the advantage and overall upper hand in my relationships because I would getting ready for the day when the person might betray me. I would would feel explosive. I would have a lot of rage because I was never able to freely express myself.

        It’s pretty much impossible to have a functional deep relationship with someone when you go into that relationship pretending to be what the other wants – just like how he had to be what his mother wanted in order to be “loved” or approved of.

        In an authentic relationship you have to reveal yourself and be vulnerable and that leaves room for the possibility of rejection. HG was taught from an early age that he was only acceptable if he behaved in a certain way and portrayed a certain image.

        Getting close to people would feel very uncomfortable. I believe there is an inner desire to be seen and to connect with someone, to be understood and accepted but once he starts opening up it becomes not just emotionally uncomfortable but physically uncomfortable and now the person who he is opening up to can reject him. Why would you want to give someone that chance when opens up one of the biggest wounds inside of you?

        When he can allow himself to see himself and accept the good with the bad – the fact that he is human and has strengths and weaknesses that is half the battle. He will be then be in a position to entertain the possibility of opening up to the right person. The other piece would be altering his behaviors to maintain the relationship.

        What I wrote is the overall framework but if I took the time to break it down more it would make even more sense…

        He can win in a relationship but it will have to be with someone who is “different” and “unconventional”. He will win in other ways too but he has yet to reveal the grand design – so it’s safe to say his perception of winning differs from many others.

        1. Twilight says:

          Dr Quinzel

          I agree with you on many of the points you mention.
          Vulnerability in a world that is cold is a very hard thing to do, easier for the empath. Yet even some have learn not to just give their trust.
          His mother has not won, he will see to that.
          He will overcome in ways yet to be seen!

        2. MLA - Clarece says:

          Why would you want to give someone the chance to open up one of the biggest wounds inside you?
          To allow someone to see those flaws and challenge you. Not to inflict more pain, but to have you transcend over those wounds and get out of swimming in the abyss with them. After weathering that and have someone still want to be by your side inspite of it all. That’s when trust can grow and thrive and maybe the malice and fury start to dissipate.

    2. E. B. says:

      Mona,

      It is easy to *win* (I do not see it like that) when the narcissist has power over a child, who is totally dependent on her for survival and does not have anyone else to protect him from the abuse. This cannot be considered a true *achievement* on Matrinarc’s part. Besides, that was the past.

      The final battle has not taken place yet. And he will win.

      1. Mona says:

        EB,
        I did not meant that it is an achievement of his mother. I do not like her or support her at all. I still see the influence of her on his own life. He is not really free in my opinion. I do not believe that the past does not matter. You have to take a look at the past to understand the present and to create your own future. Please do not underestimate the past. Of course- he had no chance, when he was a child. Now he has the power to break this circle.

        I still believe it was a battle of his mother to bear down his personality and individuality. And she won it in the past through manipulation, abuse, (broken) promises, instability, neglect, lies, entrapment, emotional seduction and whatever you want.

        Perhaps it does not fit, what I believe. He has to find out. And therefore he needs our different opinions to find out, what is true for himself.

    3. E. B. says:

      Hi Mona,

      Thank you for your reply. Sorry I have not seen your comment before.
      I agree with your first and third paragraph. As for your second paragraph, I can understand what you mean, only that I would not use the word β€œwin” when it comes to what a narcissist parent does to her dependent child because there is a *power imbalance*. It may sound pedantic but I would rather say the *damaged* their children. When I read the word *won* (a trigger), it reminded me that many narcissists (not all) target only those who are in a much weaker and powerless position than they are. They will proudly grin and tell you that they *won* in such unbalanced situations and I do not agree with them.

  13. June says:

    Ah, a newly created mini-narc. πŸ˜€

    Hypothetical Question: If you could go back in time to the point where you made the (unconscious) decisions that led to you becoming what you are, knowing what you know now, would you make a different choice?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No.

      1. June says:

        Fair enough. πŸ™‚ I’m sure all your readers would thank you for that choice, considering how much we’ve benefited from it. πŸ˜€

        …Or would they? Because I suppose it IS a pretty selfish way to think. I wonder if whether someone would be willing to give up all the wonderful info and advice about narcissism to spare your victims all the misery they endure would change depending on exactly how empathetic the reader is.

  14. Narc affair says:

    Yes my brother dictates to everyone how wonderful he is and adored. Hes my mothers mouth piece and lieutenant. He does her dirty work and gets the info she wants.

  15. Cβ˜… says:

    I have a question: HG, would you ever entertain the idea of writing educational books for future parents on how to raise ( or NOT raise) an NPD child? I have been informed that it is the way of the future, i.e., any child, taught to be any other way, (than NPD) will not “make it” nor survive the world, as it will be… I can understand it as a survival mechanism and to have power and wealth…. so what is more important? “Feelings” or power, wealth and survival?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would write something aimed at those on the cusp of relationships and dating so they understand the subject and spot the signs with reference to how those manipulations appear.

      I would not be in a position to write anything which would explain how someone should raise their children because I have no interest in children.

      I would write more extensively concerning what can be done to protect your children vs a narcissistic partner who is their parent or step-parent.

      1. Cβ˜… says:

        thank you…. i believe books and eduction in that scope would be useful and you have all of US to buy and give as gifts to OUR adult children… extra πŸ’Ά for your legacy!

      2. Love says:

        Happy Saturday Mr. Tudor. I know the question of nurture vs nature is still unanswered. You’ve stated you believe you are what you are based on both elements. Do you think if your mother was a super empath, your NPD would be less? Or do you believe you would have learned to manipulate at an even earlier age.
        I hold my beautiful newborn nieces in my arms and I feel so much love. They bring joy and such pure energy. I used to think narcs/psychopaths are born with their disorder. But now that I hold these babies, all I feel is peace and a spiritual soothing. ❀❀❀ My eyes always tear up with the intense of emotions. They are pure unadulterated love. ❀❀❀

  16. K says:

    Narcissism by Dr. Seuss

    That HG-I-am!
    That HG-I-am!
    I do not like
    That HG-I-am!

    Do you like manipulation
    And projection?

    I do not like them,
    HG-I-am.
    I do not like
    Manipulation and
    Projection.

    Do you like lies, word salads,
    Gas lighting or triangulation?

    I do not like lies, word salads,
    Gas lighting or triangulation
    HG-I-am.

    How about mind-fucking,
    silent treatments, withdrawal,
    cheating or some
    fury?

    That’s it,
    HG-I-am!
    Time to go!
    Out the door!
    I can’t take it anymore!

    Don’t text or write,
    Or pick a fight
    It’s no contact,
    So don’t come back!

    The End
    (until HG-I-am hoovers)

  17. Cβ˜… says:

    what an adorable chid, he looks (uncannily) like someone close to me

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

On Trial