“You’ve done what? I cannot believe it. What on earth possessed you to do that? Are you mad? Are you completely unhinged woman? Sweet Jesus I don’t believe what you just said to me. How many times have we been over this before? Countless times. Hell, I said it only yesterday didn’t I? I cannot believe you would be so stupid as to do something like this, it just beggars belief. You know I am starting to think that you do this on purpose don’t you? It’s no good shaking your head and staring at me like that, do you think I will feel sorry for you if you give me those eyes? Do you? I said DO YOU? Yes, you may as well shake your head again, it’s about as much as someone of your idiocy can do. I swear I am living with an epsilon semi-moron, have you always been this fucking dumb? I guess you have. It was such a simple thing to do, straight forward, a child could do it, but no not you, you had to go and be clever and go and royally fuck it up. You absolute idiot. You have ruined everything now; you do realise that don’t you? I mean it is completely ruined and how about that for a fantastic start eh? Yes, I am being sarcastic, I suppose I have to explain that to someone as brain dead as you. Jesus, why on earth have I been saddled with you. Don’t you fucking dare speak when I am speaking, you’ve done enough damage as it is, you will shut the fuck up and listen to me when I am setting you straight. I have pointed out to you so many bloody times what you should do and you assured me, you stood there and assured me that you knew what you were doing. That was a lie. I SAID SHUT UP AND DON’T INTERRUPT ME! I swear you want me to hit you don’t you? That’s what you are trying to do. Oh I know you alright, you think you are so damn clever but I have you worked out. I know what you are up to. That’s right, wind me up, get it wrong, disappoint and frustrate me and then you want me to explode and land myself in some hot water. Well it isn’t going to work with me. I am not stupid. I am not you, you know. I know what I am doing. I am the one that keep this place together, you would do well to remember that when you are busy ruining everything with your mind-blowing and monumental incompetence. It is breath taking. It truly is. I told you what to do. I told you once, I told you a hundred times and you said to me and I can specifically remember what you said, you said ‘don’t worry, I can be trusted to get it right’. Yes, that is what you said. It is no point looking like that, don’t pull that face with me, don’t you fucking dare, I am sick of you not showing me enough respect around here. I work my backside off to keep things afloat, not that you give me any credit for it though. Oh no, you are too busy taking the piss, fucking things up and spoiling it for everyone and especially for me. I don’t know what I am going to do now. I mean, you’ve just, I, I am almost lost for words. You see, not only have you cocked it right up but you have lied to me as well. I don’t know which is worse, but that’s you all over isn’t it. The liar, the deceiver, you flatter to deceive. Don’t think I don’t know what you get up to. I have my eye on you, yes, you would do well to look worried, I know all about you. What are you looking over there for? Look at me when I am talking to you. Look. At. Me. Oh here we go, the waterworks. If you have messed up and you are being corrected start crying and it will be all okay again. Well it won’t will it? It won’t be okay after what you have done. It won’t be fine. It won’t be good or great or fine and dandy. You have messed it up. I knew this would happen. I knew I shouldn’t have left it to you, but do you know what, I thought to myself, no, give her a chance, let her prove she can do it, let he demonstrate that she can be trusted to get it right, I mean, after all, that is what a relationship is all about isn’t it? Trust. Without trust there is nothing. Do you see what you have done? Do you? Do you really understand the impact of what you have done? Somehow I doubt it, that is why I am having to do this. Do you think I like shouting at you? What’s that? Were you going to nod then? Why you ungrateful and nasty bitch, you have some cheek to accuse me of enjoying this when I am the one who has to put up with the consequence of your outrageous incompetence. I am the one who is put out. I am the one who has to suffer. You will just walk away muttering about having understood, how you have learned your lesson and you won’t do it again but I may as well be speaking in Mandarin for all of the notice that you take. I told you to stop crying. If you don’t stop crying, I am going to seriously lose it with you. Christ, what am I going to do? You’ve messed it up and ruined it for me. You don’t care, you don’t. If you did care you wouldn’t keep doing this would you. You wouldn’t keep making these mistakes and winding me up. You are trying to send me to an early grave aren’t you so you can have all this to yourself aren’t you? Got some fancy man on the side have we? I bet that’s what this is all about isn’t it? Ruin me through your incompetence and then waltz off into the sunset with some Johnny Come Lately after I croak it, sent to an early grave by your scheming. You’d love that wouldn’t you, to see me off. You nasty cow, no wonder nobody likes you, no wonder nobody asks you out. Oh yes, we never get invited anywhere these days because of you and your behaviour and is it any wonder. You are a walking disaster area. I mean people put up with you, they did it for my sake, I have good friends like that, or should I say I had good friends like that but thanks to you they are disappearing like rats on a sinking ship. You won’t be happy will you until you have completely ruined everything for me will you. That’s what you want. You want me on my knees, gasping for breath, miserable and wretched as you cavort and carry on with some other mug that you have seduced and promised the world to. I can’t believe I fell for it, but then I guess you keep the real you hidden don’t you, tucked away until you have your feet under the table, your name on the deeds and the joint Amex account. Well you are not that clever because you won’t beat me. I am cleverer than you. I am going to make you pay for what you have done. I am the one who is in charge here, this is my house and you do what I say. I am going to unleash hell against you after this catastrophe, it is an outrage, a complete outrage. I pity our neighbours having to put up with this, but you make me do it, it is all about you. I am not fooled by the frightened looks and the tears, other people might be taken in by it, but I am not. I know it is all for show. You disgust me, you scheming, manipulative, hateful cow. I curse the day I met you. Now look, you’ve made me late, thanks a bunch, that’s all I need. I’m going and don’t think I’ve finished; this is far from over.”


“I thought you would prefer raspberry jam to marmalade,” you say softly to nobody in particular.

24 thoughts on “Tirade

  1. Brian says:

    Chef Ramsey!! tall blonde guy from England
    So this is your side gig huh.
    You put a voice filter on for those youtube videos, you sneaky you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      “What’s thaaaaattt? Fuck fuck fuckity bastard fuck. Service!”

      1. Brian says:

        and don’t forget:
        That’s not how you make a Risotto!
        GET OUT!!!

        (he also does this thing where he calls someone a fat cow during the show, and when the person gets kicked off the show they sometimes say something nasty to him. Then he gets offended and calls them rude!! heheh)

  2. Eka Nur Aini Mp says:

    OMG.. it’s really like having my ex arguing with me.. Words by words.. HG you’re awesome.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed I am Eka, indeed I am.

  3. Jane Hall says:

    I am going to save this piece. It is just brilliant and a mirror to a lot of my life. thanks HG

  4. Jane Hall says:

    Ooooooooo I got one…..

    this from 6 weeks back.

    “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!! WHAT THE HELLLLLLL? I cant believe it …..” Me my daughter and son look on astonished Husband then races to kitchen “WHY DO YOU DO THIS;? WHY? UTTER AND COMPLETE STUPIDITY!!! H returns to Living room, kneels down and puts saucer under a potted plant. The rant continues, all because I watered the plant and a bit of water came out the bottom. A tiny bit of water. MADNESS.

    My Son remembered this rant weeks later He told me he wouldn’t blame me for living by myself. His dad had squared up to him when I wasn’t around. But “Don’t tell dad I said, he will blame me if you split up”. Son – doesn’t want to be around his dad. Daughter tolerates – but occasionally tells me he is an “asshole”. Our Dog – absolutely does not tolerate Hubby. Dog avoids at all costs. Smart dog.

    I have had so many Tirades over crazy things. I laugh now. but the above one was a SHOCK. I felt traumatised from that for hours.

    Years ago it was about the wrong vegetables I served him “YOU KNOW I DONT LIKE SWEETCORN, HOW MANY YEARS HAVE YOU KNOWN ME”?

    You all know what I am talking about.

    1. Brian says:

      Next time he does that, smile or act delighted.
      You may not be able to do it right now, but you have to train yourself to have that reaction, it takes time but you can do it.

      1. Jane Hall says:

        Oh he knows what side his bread his buttered. These days with declining health he tends to behave more. But the odd tirade would shock. Got to the stage before we split that time in 2012 – when if he complained about his dinner I would say “Don’t like it….? OK. Eat Crisps” and would chuck the whole thing – plate and all into the bin. Very wearing fighting all the time though. Yes I would laugh at him and his craziness. Even now sometimes I am amazed at what he comes out with. But I am too weary to do another separation with this house unsold. When the house is sold next year I can buy by myself – as an extra ‘child’ of mine of 25 years – it would be hard to cut him off completely. But he can live by himself and pop by for tea. No contact would be impossible. But as long as I have my own place and can shut the front door I can find that peace.

  5. Well HG, you’ve managed to sum up the last thirteen months of my life in one post. Good work.

    I’m not completely healed yet, but I am at a place where I can laugh a little bit about the bizarre inappropriateness of it all. A large bit of thanks goes to you for that.

  6. Karen Walters says:

    Exactly 😂

  7. jenna says:

    I will never forget you like marmalade HG!
    But knowing you, as a cunning Greater, you will still find a way to extract fuel frm me. I am borderline after all, so it would be very effortless for you. I cry VERY easily.

    1. Jane Hall says:

      No….next time it will be the marmalade that he DOESNT like. Its about being a total pain in the ass psycho.

  8. Watermelon says:

    The narc I knew always had a similar format in all his tirades at me. Typically in response to him intentionally ignoring me, which he knew was a known trigger.

    First paragraph: Not this again, how many times is it now? Patronise me for being emotional.

    Second paragraph: I didn’t effing ignore you, why would I give a shit if you were *standing behind me in the supermarket, picking up my son from the same classroom, standing outside his lounge calling my son, driving past as he stares and then turns away, in his house etc* Invalidate me, remind me how unimportant I am.

    Third paragraph: You have got to stop this, I am very busy, I am dealing with a lost shipment, crazy customer, something wrong with house. Make out how busy and important he is.

    Fourth paragraph: You are very angry (or aggressive), I don’t like it. You need to get out, find some friends, get a job. Invalidate what I do for a living and put it all on me.

    Fifth paragraph: Don’t ever contact me again. Says that every time, and then after a week or so he starts to stalk me.

    Every single response is like that. Sometimes he may throw in bitch, bunny boiler, idiot for fun 🙂

  9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I think if someone were to throw a fit and start ranting and raving now at some I would probably first look at them like they were crazy and then just walk out of the room because I honestly just don’t give a shit.

  10. C★ says:

    I had forgotten, till reading this and refreshing my memory… thank you 🙏🏼 & it helps me to reinforce N/C whenever I sense I could waver…

  11. AgeLess says:

    Sounds like one of the greater’s tirade. I loved him so very much and wouldn’t dream of ever arguing back. I used to react just like that, hurt and chocking back the tears I would only just manage a quiet, “I’m so sorry…”, never knowing why I was even apologising. It was different with mid range narc though, he saved this for rare occasions when I had infuriated him. Maybe it’s because I was IPPS for one and IPSS for the other.

  12. Diva says:

    I agree….excellent post……..the only thing I would add is that at some point before the end of that story someone would have been wearing that raspberry jam and the marmalade……and it would not have been me!!!!!

  13. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Yeah i was on the receiving end of many rants that were absolutely fucking ridiculous.

    I often looked at him like he was just out of his mind or would laugh.

  14. Anne says:

    Fascinating! Thank you again HG. I’ve heard almost word for word. Little different circumstances. You ruined everything, no one likes you, learn your leson. Your gonna be punished, crazy, phyco, look what you did, it’s all your fault, your ruining my life! HG, how in the hell do all of you follow to the T the same thing. Mine doesn’t know what he is. Soooooo, HOW?? A hive mind? An agenda in the universe? This isn’t mental illness. Mine even looked at me and said as i was crying, “i use to be like you”. Almost sympathetically, i know i was surprised i saw empathy, but, he was drunk! I believe he was, something happened. What choice did ya have to make? Do you remember when? I think i know when it was for him. Sad shit! Hes falling apart as far as some thing’s. He don’t even see that i don’t think? I will miss that injured boy that i saw once in awhile. Just sad! I’m glad I’m empathetic. The cost has been horrible, but whatever it is, I’m glad I’m not!

  15. slc000918 says:

    Sounds like my EX, still no accountability in that argument. Deflecting it back is what he always did. I see now there is no growth in that type of relationship. He was just a child having a meltdown, wanting to get his way. (total control) I seen now that his behavior was not normal, (it still isn’t). I feel very lucky to have escaped from him, even though things are in a state of collapse. Im still not worried, about the house, bills and money. (I don’t know why that is) “?”

  16. Peaceful says:

    Wow! Powerful. Almost made me cry. The last tirade I was subjected to was all about how he does EVERYTHING for this relationship and what do I do? Nothing! Nothing! Nothing! ugh…. buh-bye

  17. P says:

    “I thought to myself, no, give her a chance, let her prove she can do it,”

    i love the Devil Wears Prada, who cares about 8 dollars worth of Jarlsberg.

  18. Excellent post!
    Said while licking raspberry jam from a spoon. 🙂

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