Smile For Me

SMILE FOR ME1.jpg

I just love that special smile of yours. I know that the first time I saw you displaying it that I wanted it for myself. I wanted to be the recipient of that smile and I wanted it so badly, oh so very badly that I went for you with ferocious determination. I watched as it slowly formed, your delectable lips twisting upwards and then parted to allow your teeth to be seen. Many animals bare their teeth as a warning to others to stay back, but not you. As you revealed your teeth and your smile widened into a grin I watched transfixed. I could see the effect it had on those near you. I could see how they felt happier for seeing your smile. I detected it in their faces, in their reactions and if I had been close enough I have little doubt that I would have been able to hear their pleasure and joy as you allowed them to bask in the warmth of your smile. It was inclusive. You showed it to everyone sat around that table and nobody was missed out. You did not break into laughter. That would almost have been vulgar and spoilt the scintillating effect of the way you conveyed such emotion to others near you. I continued to watch from my position across the bar as the words of whoever it was I was with that night, I cannot recall now, became nothing but white noise. I only allowed myself to hear her expressions of irritation at how I was distracted by you.

I made my excuses, feigning illness and dispatched whoever it was I was with, I cannot recall now, in a taxi with an already broken promise to call whoever it was, I cannot recall now and once that person who I cannot now recall had gone I returned to the restaurant. I positioned myself next to your table, sat at the bar and allowed myself to eavesdrop on the conversation that you were engaged in as I allowed myself a closer examination of your smile. It appeared frequently and never diminished in its brilliance. It was engaging, captivating and I had to have it. With customary ease I allowed myself to join your table once the dining had been concluded on the pretext of making a point arising from something you had said. I had already established from the body language around the table that none of the attending men were accompanying you and the behaviour of the other women indicated they were no more than friends. No ring rested on your wedding finger and you responded to my polite intrusion with a brief flash of that smile. I knew the drawbridge was down and the portcullis was up.

Accordingly, I made your smile mine and how I revelled in those perfect lips as they moved into that glorious smile. I had known fuller lips but yours were certainly not what I would call thin. Your left cheek dimpled when you smiled broadly and thereafter I knew that your smile was only truly for me. Yes, you smiled for others and I was proud of you for doing so, allowing them to experience it but only at a fraction of what was reserved for me. I was the sole recipient of the full magnitude of that smile and its amazing effect. You conveyed so much to me with your smile. The times you smiled at me in supportive admiration as I held forth at dinner parties, your appreciative smile when I did something for you, the sensual smile when you knew that our sexual congress was looming, the amazed smile when I stunned you with yet another example of my brilliance, your satisfied smile when you looked at me across the living room from where you were reading a book, safe and content in our world where your smile was mine and nobody else’s. I relished seeing your sleepy smile when I turned to you in the morning and gently kissed you on the nose. I delighted when you contacted me using your video capability on your ‘phone and you deliberately showed only your smiling mouth. Countless times I would record you doing so and play the footage back when I sat alone and relished the sensation which washed over me as I watched.

What made your smile so special was the fact that you gave it willingly to me. You told me that nobody had made you smile as much as I had. I took no issue with that for I knew it was something that I was entirely capable of. Your sweet, illuminating smile belonged to me, was engaged for me and existed just for me. I worked so hard to ensure that your mouth gave me that smile again and again and again. It sustained me and invigorated me, turning a moment of weakness into one of edifying strength in but a moment. I can truly say that nobody else has had a smile which has such an effect on me as yours. I saw what it did for other people and I knew that they were only experiencing a small percentage of what I felt because the true power and radiance of that smile was kept just for me because you understood me, you knew how I needed it and you were content and delighted to provide it to me. It was a beautiful smile, a beguiling smile, an admiring smile, a playful smile, an engaging smile, an enticing smile, an uplifting smile and so much more but above all else it was your special smile. Special for me.

Most of all though I cherished your smile because better than anyone else you knew how to hide everything behind that smile. I knew this is what you did and I knew he began teaching you to do so all that time ago. I made sure  that you continued to use your smile in this way. I completed your learning. Now it cloaked everything that the world did not need to know about. I made your smile extra-special didn’t I?

33 thoughts on “Smile For Me

  1. narc affair says:

    Narcissists are so good at sniffing out vulnerability and especially those who will put up with abuse and have weak boundaries. The put on smile says so much. They really do have a 6th sense for individuals who will endure abuse bc thats what gives them their fuel and strength. The victim who will take the brunt of abuse and hide it from others with a smile. Their smile is a facade as well and enables the abuse to continue.

  2. Lou says:

    I think that, of all your posts, this one freaks me out the most.

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    HG,

    I imagine you playing like this as a kid….

    LMAO

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The house was far cleaner and better maintained.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        HG,

        But…content fairly accurate? lmao

        1. HG Tudor says:

          An aperitif.

  4. K says:

    Lori
    They don’t love and they want to destroy your smile and take away your happiness. They are vampires.

  5. Lori says:

    Tappan Zee, (as in the NY bridge perhaps?) I can so relate to your reply.. there were so many riddle me this situations.. of course, finally this past year or so I’ve learned what this is all about (Narc traits)… But I also have one of those ‘very white teeth’ smiles (people compliment often on it) and also people have always been drawn to me because I smile a lot and I am a good listener and apparently make them feel warm and heard. But several months ago, a friend and colleague told me she noticed I didn’t smile as much as I used to.. other friends have mentioned it as well. It had turned into a worry or frown or confused face.. which does not hold a smile. He made me smile from time to time, but the percentage of time was much lower than not.

    I guess I still feel the constant question in my head as to how someone can be against this within the person they claim to love. Anyway, I am no longer with him and I’ve been able to smile again and feel a little bit more happiness for happiness’ sake each day. But it has been a struggle… and continues to be… a little less each day but still…..

  6. mistynolan01 says:

    Yes. That was me all my life. Hiding my pain behind a smile, so much so that when I did break down and confide to someone my issues, they could not believe that I had any. Surely not me. I fooled everyone. So when I ran into the narc, I was iperfectly made for him. He did cruel things but I pretended it didn’t bother me and when his friends were around, I smiled and hid his cruelty.

    Another on the money post, HG. The picture captures this phenomenon perfectly.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you MN

  7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    So…….I should go into my Wednesday Adamms mode? Lol

    https://youtu.be/Lz-sSr6WPp8

    1. K says:

      Dr. Q PsyD
      Do it! You won’t regret it! I stopped smiling as a child when I was in the narc nest. I think it helped.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        K,

        Well…at least I won’t wrinkle if I don’t my mouth! lol

    2. K says:

      Dr Q PsyD
      I just watched the Youtube clip! I loved when the sitter asks, “Where is the baby?” And Wednesday responds, “Which part?”

      The clip reminded me of a joke I used to tell people when I was a kid.

      What sits in a corner, is really quiet and red all over?

      A baby chewing on a razor blade! Ha ha ha ha…God, I miss being a kid.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        What’s red and cannot turn around in corridors?

        A child with a javelin through its head.

        Also from childhood.

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          This is the first thread I woke up and read. Peace out. I’m going back to sleep. No bleeding babies for Clarece.

      2. K says:

        HG
        Excellent! Being bad is so much fun.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        https://youtu.be/3hkfiGFLTJA

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        K

        Sorry about before posted wrong link lmao

        Now I have it

        https://youtu.be/3hkfiGFLTJA

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        HG,

        Yeah… something told me you would like a good dead baby joke.

      6. K says:

        Dr Q PsyD

        Those clips are hilarious! I think I will watch The Addams family this weekend. I love Wednesday!

  8. Suzanne says:

    What the hell is this bullshit

  9. Diva says:

    Long ago I asked my 78 year old best friend, who is like a wise old owl……”why do I keep attracting these fruit loops?”……….her reply was simply…….”you smile too much”…….I should have taken more notice of her…….she is much smarter than I gave her credit for!!!!!

  10. Tappan Zee says:

    My N would say send two conflicting messages. One: if he was not pleased (because the clouds were orange or grass wasn’t purple) it was my fault. He would say (about whatever blaming sin little ole omnipotent me had caused) to TELL MY FACE. It was a fav go-to when i wasn’t upset or the least bit troubled about anything. It meant (I knew through osmosis) you have resting bitch face (not in the cool way ha) and was meant to CUT. Question myself. And, of course wonder: wth is going on, what is he alluding to and mostly (finally and fatally) WTH IS WRONG WITH ME OR MY FACE.

    Skip back. Prior to this, that and a thousand other riddle me this scenarios I DID HAVE AN INFECTIOUS SMILE. LAUGH AND NATURAL AFFINITY FOR OTHERS. It was often remarked and reciprocated (not by the N). But over time it eroded into a cold block of contsant introspective black ice. He hated it. That. That smile. That laugh. That innate goodnes for goodness sake. And I did all i could to suffocate it. For his “sake.”

    1. Sunniva says:

      Tappan Zee,
      I hope you are sharing your infectious smile with the world again now.
      The world needs some natural and beautiful smile-light☺️

  11. I get something different or of your posts every time I re-read them. Your writing is visceral.

    1. Out of not or of

    2. narc affair says:

      Strongwendy…im the same way. I think that shows incredible creativity on the writers part. At the beginning it almost sounds as if the persons watching a narcissist how mesmerized the group at the table are of the woman with the smile but its the narcissists growing infatuation.
      I always get something knew rereading these.

      1. narc affair says:

        New

      2. HG Tudor says:

        Correct. This is why I repeat the posts because you will see new things in them and also do so owing to where you are in your learning and recovery.

  12. Scout says:

    Narcy cherished my smile. When I stopped smiling because of his torture, he told me to stop being miserable and asked me why I no longer smiled. An honest answer would have ignited his fury, so I remained silent and smiled again… Until I left him.

  13. C★ says:

    Smiling faces sometimes pretend to be your friend.
    Smiling faces show no traces of the evil that lurks within.
    Smiling faces, Smiling Faces, Sometimes they don’t tell the truth.
    Smiling faces, smiling faces tell lies and I got proof.
    The truth is in the eye ’cause the eyes don’t lie,
    Remember, a smile is just a frown turned upside down my friend……..

    ~ The Temptations

  14. Patricia J says:

    Wow. How chilling.

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