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19 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 46”
What would you suggest my scapegoat step daughter read to better understand the relationship between her, her narcissistic father & the golden child sister?
Fuel, Fury and Smeared, Numb. Although they are not about the golden child/scapegoat and the narcissist, the principles explained there will become readily apparent. Once those have been read, she should read Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit, Escape and No Contact.
this is my sister and i. she turned into a narc like mum.
last month i called my sister for something family oriented after not speaking for years. she stated on the telephone that she hates me but then a min later she laughed at a funny fond childhood memory we share together. it was like the little girl in her b4 she turned into a narc came back out for a split second. it was nice.
i do feel for her, though..as she was the scapegoat. she would get severely punished for minor things, as i would get away with murder. i remember one time i stole a car and wrecked it…fucking GRAND THEFT AUTO. and i got no punishment for it. not even a lecture. nothing. but when my sister got detention, and all hell broke loose on her usually in the form of a hand or belt.
Story of my life. My sisters hated me when we were little girls because I was the golden child. They really hated me (my younger sister told me that several times). Then I became rebellious and started having problems and I was made the scapegoat. I always had the impression my sisters were kind of happy about all the problems I had as a teenager. They still use them against me. Fortunately, I have no contact with my older sister now (for some months), and have very limited contact with the younger one. All Matrinarc’s work.
I find it interesting that your mother was pushing you so much.
Our narcissistic family and extended family seemed to be proud of under-achieving. They made it an expectation. I knew growing up when a cousin played pro football, he didn’t try as hard or do as well because of that and the massive ego.
My mother stopped me doing physical activity so I’d be near her. I believe she contaminated my toothbrush with viruses because I stopped getting them when I left home. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was putting sedatives in my food. I remember being incredibly sleepy during my final year of school.
When I left a high-profile job I’d fought hard for because narcissists went after me there, and I went into a two-year debilitating PTSD episode, she said it was for the best.
All my life I trusted her and she was pushing me to fail, then humiliating me for being sick. Many times I feel I would rather be dead.
She was the one who was sick. It is hard to trust again when someone has used and abused you. But YOU are the Golden one really and you can go on and live your life and help others and look back and actually pity your mother for behaving in that way. It was her insecurity that wanted you near her? I think you sound like a brave person.
My mother liked to brag to others about my achievements, still does, but in reality just completey ignored me or my accomplishments, both my parents. I had to stay in school but they didn’t care nor ever adviced about what I did there and what I was going to do after school. Though their take in general was “get an education so you can fall back unto something if something happens to your husband”. But they never acknowledged my graduation or university graduation, nothing of that sort. In first job achievements they even sabotaged me.
My mother recently said that she didn’t understand that nobody would employ me, that there must be something I could do. I am self-employed.
She even seemed to have forgotten what my profession is.
I had trusted her, too, all my life.
I don’t think we had a scape goat, it was more – whatever suited in the moment. I was always at fault of course, when in doubt. My sister though, who had to listen to my parents telling her that her sisters were better in school than her, started to tell my mother all the time what I supposedly had done again or how I had started a fight (lies), and she was always right in the eyes of my mother, she was always the faultless in these cases. Hmm … We were once forced to share a hotel room for 2 weeks or so, and we faught (physically) so loud, that my parents had to come running from the other end of the corridor. 😉
Violet, don’t you think that maybe you had C-PTSD in your final school year already, or similar symptoms? I kept dissociating myself, retreating.
What a heartbreaking story.
As I am writing this I am sat at the kitchen table talking to my mom while she cooks dinner. My dad is in the sitting room reading the newspaper.
I said to her: “mom, I want to thank you for everything you have been and done for me, and that goes for you too dad”.
She turns to me with a worried face and asks: ” what brought this about. Has something happened”?
I read her your comment and she said: “In a relationship between an adult and a child it is never the child’s fault. It is a human right to have someone in your life that loves you”.
My dad approves by saying what he has always said: “listen to your mom. She is a beautiful and wise woman”.
So as I am sitting here in this caring home I can never be able to image how strong and brave you have to be everyday, Violet.
Both me and mom cried over your comment, and we are sending you strengt and love all the way up here from Norway💛
It is interesting that my sister (golden child) and me (scapegoat) never had any competition or hostility between one another.
On the contrary, we supported one another and established very convenient form of mutualism: “I fight for us both – You apologize for us both”.
That’s the way my brother (GC) and I (SG) are as well. I think the large age difference and the fact that I was the one essentially raising him during his visits (he’s actually my stepbro) made our relationship much stronger than our Nparents ever anticipated. They may try to play us against each other, but they always fail.
Yeah, we had the same situation. My sister is 10 years younger than me, so I had always been her protective “mother”.
But, finally, she gave in and surrendered to my parents. I couldn’t help her anymore, but I said to her “I want you to know, that if you need anything, you come to me. I’ll help you. No matter what”.
Phoenix rising…my brother is 7 yrs younger than me and i helped look after him much of my childhood but the opposite happened in the triangulation between us my mother drove a wedge and our family is destroyed bc of it. Our family the way we knew it. Ive grieved that loss and it took quite a few yrs to fully get over no longer being in contact but i see it was necessary. It doesnt take away my love for either one of them but i love myself and it was toxic in my life.
My experience was similar. Both my older sister and brother were GC. We had good relationships, more with my brother than sister. But they were more protective of me then my Mother. As I have mentioned in a previous post, my sister died in a car accident. Unbeknown to us, she made me the beneficiary to her life insurance policy. My mother was livid!!!! Lol
It’s the parents that pit the kids against each other. I think if the GC is of an empathetic nature, they see through the parents twisted crap.
Hi sue…i find it interesting reading the stories of the GC that werent narcissists and got along. Hg awhile ago answered a question about whether GC could be empaths and he said yes. This surprised me bc i just thought all GC were narcissistic as a result of being favored but thats not the case. Youre right the parents do cause rifts with favortism. Im very careful of not doing this bc i lived it.
My mother is doing the same to my kids and ive had to set her straight. I feel she does it to get to me. She will dote on my son rub his back, go to all his extracurricular wrap ups but misses quite a few of my daughters dance recitals and can be critical of her. I really think she cant help herself and its a sickness.
Hey there Narc affair,
I agree, the different dynamics of these relationship are very interesting. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. That has to be tough now as well as to look back on. My mother did the same with my kids only not with each other but with my brothers. She favored his kids and was dismissive with mine. I was always saying something to her and she would deny it. She had moments with them but nothing like the sickening doeting she did on his.
Your poor daughter. That’s terrible. Your mother is taking it out on her. Her jealously of you! Rinse and repeat ! You stay strong! I know you can do it!! Don’t let her steal your joy or your daughters.
I’m sorry if I sound dramatic but stories like this Get to me. ❤️
Lived this but i stopped it by walking away. Ive been 11 yrs nc from the golden child/narc mother triangle and it feels so much better! Unfortuneatly not every scenerio is it easy to do that.
HG, whom was scapegoat in your “family”? Thank you…