Little Acons – No. 47

I WANTYOU TOALWAYSWEARGUILT

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15 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 47”

  1. Guilt. I don’t feel it very often now and I don’t recall feeling it as a child. All I felt was hate and rage.

    1. K, is our rage that different than the rage HG has expressed he feels? Something came up and it was a letter from my first real boyfriend 35 years and un it, he described my hatred as so deep. But my internal experience of it was really rage. Chronic strangling type rage. So maybe this is the part that fueled when I went super nova on the narc? Its not a state I live in, but it is there and the narc really broughy it out. But I read tbat letter and see it was there in other ways of my life but didnt see it.

      How is our rage different HG, or is it? We had the rage, but also empathy whereas you just felt the rage and no empathy? Is it thee cocktail of all the other things, too?

      1. You feel anger. We feel rage. There is a difference and it is explained in the book Fury.

      2. I don’t know… how can we compare? I have felt so much anger at the narc and at things in my life, I feel nothing but this streak of vile, angry emotion in my chest. If I were more prone to act it out physically, rather than internalize it, I could destroy alot. The narc told me that I was the destrcutive one in my anger. I can’t see how that is true, not after the things he always led with. Another trick of his?

        I had a long post earlier and now its something that might be helpful to others. Maybe write something on what it’s like to be hoovered after decades. In many ways, this is now common due to social media and being able to find people. Electronic romances and all. But the letter I mentioned in another post has be really looking at how my first run in with the narc 35 years ago changed my life, affected relationships negatively and as he was already using all the tricks he did as a 50 year old, and we were so young, could not have been so calculated, but it was, and he targeted me, because I was back then the perfect victim for reasons, then he actually changed the course of my life in a much deeper way than I ever imagined. He lingered by what he did to me in many subsequent relationships or interactions and I had no idea until this all repeated, exactly how. That feels really horrific to me now.

        I just wonder how many people also were hoovered after long, long periods of time and faced a similar realization that their first time being victimized, not understanding at the time it happened, and how it rippled throughout their whole life and actually could then go back and reframe so many things… all because of a very early life run in with a malignant narc?! I thought what he had done to me was normal. What happenes in relationships. Had no idea how abnormal it was at the time, how abnormal my mother was which is why I never sought help or advice and how all the experiences shaped my entire world view and relationships without my even being aware of it. And that makes me want to take his head off in my rage, too….

        Maybe it isn’t the distinction between rage vs anger, but for what bring it out in us? The relentless nature of it in your life? That it tkaes so little to set it off and you have a deep reserve to tap into that you can use to manipulate people with? So you never let it go, are never not controled by your own rage?

        I wanted to kill that narc. I was filled with rage. And it felt familiar. But familiar because it’s not a constant and I only was reminded of it by what he had done to me? When I grasped how evil it all was, how calculated and aware he always was about it all?

  2. She made me feel guilt every time she had to spend money on me, or had to do something for me (her tasks as a mother). She made me feel guilty for depending on her as a child and as a teenager, or asking her for anything, or showing any weakness. I felt guilty for being such a burden for her. I always tried to be strong and independent, just to avoid feeling the guilt and shame.
    I like the little girl in the pic and the pink letters. Little girls always want to wear pink clothes. You are good HG.

    1. Lou
      Unless their narc mothers favorite color was pink and they were ridiculed for preferring other colors. Then they can grow up absolutely detesting the color pink and refusing to have it in their home.

      I was shamed and made to feel guilty all throughout childhood and responded with defiance every chance I could.

  3. Awwww look at that little face, what a cute little girl.
    My parents made me feel guilty for being alive. Especially my Dad. 😞

  4. HG how do you suggest a victim reacquaint themselves with their nature outside of the narcissist parent?
    I’m not sure what I do because of them, and what I might have normally done.
    I believe psychonarc built in such a self-rejection in me that I switched it off.
    I too fall into the narc habit of playing to agreed “truths”.

  5. The greater narcissist is the alpha of gas lighting.
    Whereupon a victim suffers cognitive dissonance, then accepts misappropriated guilt and self loathing.

    My greater was highly educated and top of his elite field.

    I ponder the relevance of education and the greater narc? Or is it simply, ‘rat cunning?’.

    1. Ali,
      You were ensnared by a Greater? You be a prize yourself to be entangled with that school of narcissist. They only choose to associate with the best of the best.

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