How Could You?



“How could you do this to me?”

“How could you sleep with my sister?”

“How could you just walk out on us like that and never even contact us for months?”

“How could you treat me like I didn’t exist?”

“How could you hit me when you say that you love me?”

“How could you get me into so much debt?”

“How could you stand by and let me suffer so badly?”

“How could you not see what you were doing?”

“How could you not understand what I was saying to you?”

“How could you tear us apart like this?”

“How could you say such awful, horrible things to me?”

“How could you? In our bed of all places?”

“How could you even look at yourself in the mirror after doing that?”

“How could you let me down in such a terrible way?”

“How could you destroy our family?”

“How could you not control yourself?”

“How could you do such a thing to your own children, for God’s sake?”

“How could you disappear like that?”

“How could you be so heartless?”

There is little doubt that you have asked one or more of the questions above, or a variation of those queries when dealing with our kind. Your question will have been asked in a heightened emotional state as your world collapsed and you struggled to comprehend that somebody could behave in such a manner. Nothing made sense anymore.

Everything you thought that you knew had been torn up, re-written and trampled into the dirt. Your alarm, confusion and distress were considerable and your bewilderment and sheer astonishment that a human being could do such things only served to make your position even worse.

Whatever was said or done. No matter how morally bereft, ethically bankrupt or socially unacceptable the act. No matter the level of depravity, the depths to which we sunk and the new low we achieved, you found yourself asking this question. No matter what you did, what you gave and what you gave often, it mattered not one iota because you were left asking this question.

Invariably you received no explanation. Denial and deflection ruled the day. Perhaps there was some mumbled explanation or even a demonstration of false contrition by way of a Preventative Hoover, but whatever our response will have been, it will not have given you the truth of how we could have done those things.

We are able to say those things and commit those acts for several reasons.

  1. Golden Period. You were given the golden period. You were either spared the worst of our behaviour for a time period (usually the Lesser) or you were given the whole glorious illusion of love, passion and dizzying elation. You received this and you embraced it willingly. There is a price that comes with such largesse you know and now you are paying it through us behaving in such a manner as that which has caused you such distress.
  2. Entitlement. Who are you to challenge what we have done? Who do you think you are questioning us as to how we could have done those things? We are entitled to do as we please, when and how we like and you have to deal with that. Someone as great as us gets to behave as he wants and you ought to know better than to challenge us about it.
  3. Necessity. All we do is as is required by necessity. Whether it was to gain fuel, to punish you, to remind you of your position, to reinforce our superiority, to preserve the façade and so many other potential reasons, what we do is necessary and if that results in suffering for you, then that is how it must be. Our needs matter. Yours do not.
  4. No accountability. Linked to our sense of entitlement there can be no penalty, sanction or reprimand for our actions. We are immune from punishment or consequence. We do not even have to explain ourselves and therefore this allows us to proceed as we deem appropriate.
  5. No awareness. The Lesser or Mid-Range will not even be aware that what they have done is wrong or offensive since their perspective of the world is different to yours.
  6. No admission. The Greater knows what has happened is considered to be wrong by you, not that he cares and furthermore neither will he admit as such. To do so would be a sign of weakness and hand an advantage to you.
  7. You deserve it. You don’t function as you should any more. You have gone rogue and let us down. Accordingly, our response was entirely merited by punishing you.
  8. No conscience. There is no downside, no guilt or remorse in doing what we did. Therefore, we are untroubled by the import of your allegations.
  9. Fuel. We need it. Accordingly, everything is in play and anything can be done to acquire it.

How could you not realise all of this?

No wonder we get sick of you.

Listen to ‘How Could You’

27 thoughts on “How Could You?

  1. LR says:

    HG, did you edit this thread? I had a couple of questions posted and was waiting for it to be answered but it seems the questions have disappeared. It had to do with whether or not the narcissist would actually listen to my audio version which showed proof of my innocence of his constant cheating accusation toward me… Would he have listened to it, and told me he did not listen to it?

    Also when he says he will not read my (long) email (as his ploy to annoy me). Is he likely to actually read it… and tell me he did not?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello LR, I have not seen those questions, they may be in moderation still and I have not got to them. I have a significant backlog following being away from the blog et al for a couple of days.

      With regard to your audio explanation, it all depends on when it is sent, where you are in the narcissistic dynamic, what his fuel needs are etc.

      1. Lori / LR says:

        My questions were posted on Aug 7, 10:05 pm and it appears it may still be in moderation consideration mode. .. oh, under the name Lori.

        Your response “depends on when it was sent”.. not sure I understand what detail you’re looking for here. His ex-wife accused me of sleeping with a man she saw me with in a group of people at a family event. I was able to produce an audio conversation with that man with proof that I wasn’t cheating. This was done within a few weeks of the accusation.

        Where I was in the narcissistic dynamic? I was his fiancé at the time… and we’d been together for a 6 years and were on the verge of moving in together.

        His fuel needs? I guess only he knows those needs. I would think he was getting most of them met by me as we were constantly have crazy wonderful sex and also crazy arguments all the time. He spent almost all of his time with me (other than work).

        Is this helpful to you in answering my questions about whether he would actually listen to the audio or read my emails (when he said he didn’t). I would love to put closure to this curiousity of mine. Yes, yes, yes I realize closure is a funny word in the realm of dealing with Narcissists.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Lori, they are in moderation. I will address them as I get to them. They haven’t disappeared.

    2. MLA - Clarece says:

      Hi Lori, I imagine he poured over your message. When I frequently would send longer messages via handwritten, email or text, mine would dismiss them and say he threw it away or he won’t give them the time of day. However, come the next fight down the pike, he’d always have something new to throw at me that he could not have known unless he read those messages.
      They live for that. Those messages represent our emotional reaction to them and better yet, they can save to re-listen or reread.
      I would speculate he did with yours.

      1. Lori says:

        MLA – Clarece, I very much appreciate your response. This has been making me wonder and I had nothing (until now – your gracious reply) to go on as to whether to believe him. You would think I would know more intuitively by now (after 6 years with him) that he Quite Likely has done exactly as you mentioned… because it is serious juicy Fuel for him. He hadn’t slipped up however by mentioning anything from the letter… but I will say or actually I wonder out loud…. if he really thought I screwed another man would he even want to touch me? Because after all, there were still many times we ‘made love’ (deliciously) after that and talk of it never came into the bed with us. If it were me and I truly knew or believed he screwed another woman, I would be done. Done.

        I was also hoping HG would help with these thoughts by now… as he is our resident expert, after all.

  2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


    My narcs deserved it.

    They had it coming.

    That’s how I could do it lol.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What is this Narc Block Tango ?

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        You wanna dance? Lol 😋

        1. HG Tudor says:

          While the record spins.

    2. K says:

      Dr.Q PsyD
      All I could think about was Chicago and then I read HG’s comment! Ha ha ha…we should do a musical!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I liked Chicago.

        I don’t know why but I randomly have 42nd street in my head.

        That was my first dance recital song when I was like four. Lmao

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        What would we call the musical?

        Let it marinate while I sing…

        Come and meet… those dancing feeeeet

  3. Lori says:

    HG, My ex (narc) accused me of cheating on him with “Z” based on the lies told him by his own ex-wife about me (she hates him & I for breaking up their marriage & vowed to make his life miserable). I was able to give him audio taped proof that I did not cheat on him by way of “Z” and I having a conversation on the phone. “Z” without knowing he was helping me, called my ex an asshole for playing these childish games and believing the lies of his ex- wife. My ex heard a tiny bit of him calling him an a-hole and would NOT listen to the rest of the audio to hear the actual proof showing I didn’t cheat on him. I eventually gave him a copy of it to listen to. He claims he never listened to it… and would not because the guys a jerk for calling him a bad name.

    My 1st question to you is – do you think he did or did not listen to the audio showing proof of my innocence or was his ego truly too damaged by an outside stranger to go near the audio?

    The 2nd question is – when he’s been angry at me he would tell me that he will not, or did not read the long email I wrote him (over whatever disagreement we were having at the time). Is it likely that he did actually (eventually) read it or not?

    1. Lori says:

      HG, will you help me with my questions please?

      1. HG Tudor says:


      2. Lori says:

        Soon, perhaps, HG?

    2. Lori says:

      HG, Would you please check into answering this question for me, above? (Aug 7th, 10:05 p.m.) It seems to still be stuck in moderation hold mode.
      Thanks !

      1. HG Tudor says:

        I will reach it eventually Lori, there are a lot of comments awaiting moderation at the present time.

  4. PhoenixRising says:

    Entitlement, no accountability, no admission, no conscience…check, check, check, and check. He could care less that his actions have deeply hurt me, and he certainly is not about to let me confront him on it. He avoids all confrontation as much as possible. If it becomes unavoidable, he gets defensive, denies, gaslights, turns the tables, or makes up some woe is me excuse.
    HG, after weeks of trying to get him to honor his promise to talk to me, I sent him a letter laying out my grievances and telling him I was done. He replied that he hadn’t read it and wouldn’t right now, but that he would talk to me like he promised when he has the time (he loves being in control of when). I don’t believe for a second that he will. Is that his way of leaving the door open for a hoover though?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      ‘Tis a wedge, a hold-over in order to keep you hanging on with some degree of hope.

      1. PhoenixRising says:

        Thank you. That’s pretty much what I thought it was, which is why I didn’t believe him. Well, I said my piece whether he chooses to read it or not.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That is the best way to regard it. State your case once, with minimum fuel, move on.

          1. PhoenixRising says:

            Thank you for the reassurance, HG. I appreciate it!

  5. K says:

    Oh, I love these ones.

    After being targeted and drugged with synthetic love, I have made a To Do List:
    1. Revenge: I am entitled to it.
    2. Punishment: It is necessary because I am superior to you.
    3. Call the cops and tell them I removed your supply and outed you. They will think you are a lunatic. Ha ha ha ha. I won’t be accountable.
    4. I will be fully aware from MY perspective of how good it feels to see you suffer.

    You deserve it and I will feel NO guilt, so there is no downside for me.

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      Print. And hang up on bathroom vanity to read everyday.
      Done and done.

      1. K says:

        MLA — Clarece
        Thank you. You made my night! I got a whole lot of anger to let out and this is the place to do it! Laughing as I type this!

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