The Crying Game – Part Two

 

 THE CRYING GAMEPART TWO

Having ascertained that the commission of tears arising from physical and/or emotional hurt resulted in a sympathetic reaction from certain people, I committed this to memory. I have rarely encountered much physical pain as an adult, enjoying excellent health and ensuring that I always get my retaliation in first so my enemies are the ones who experience physical pain rather than me. The early conditioning that I have been subjected to, as I now understand, appears to have resulted in me being impervious to many emotional injuries that others suffer from. Even the horrendous sensations which arise from my wounding as a consequence of criticism does not cause the tears to fall. Instead, I must focus on repairing the wound through retreat or the instigation of fury in order to gather fuel. The attention this requires means that I do not suffer the immediate reaction of becoming upset. I must feign upset in order to attract the required sympathy and in doing so I use that issued sympathy in order to bring about the control I require over the subject.

My tuition in the art and use of crying later embraced a different catalyst and one which has served to drive me ever onwards and upwards. I have many gifts and of those the one that was cherished most by my father was my academic ability. As I have mentioned beforehand, he was a very intelligent man, well-read and with an interest in the world at large, something which be bestowed on all his offspring. This served him well in both his careers of commerce and then academia. His was the steady hand at the tiller of our academic progress and he sought to steer a path through the choppy waters of my mother’s ambitions for us, our own desires and what he felt would serve us best. The three, as might you expect, were not always compatible.

I excelled at school which naturally resulted in my progression to sixth form college and I was always destined for university. Naturally it was to the most prestigious that I was directed towards and I achieved admission whereupon in such a fertile environment I began to flex my tendrils as I embraced my dark art, but that is a tale for another time. Alongside this I flourished at my chosen discipline and eventually I graduated with a double first. It was this achievement which Dr E honed in on in one of our discussions.

“So a double first, quite the achievement,” he remarked. I nodded. He was not wrong.

“What did your parents think about it?” he asked.

“My friends once they had their results went racing away to telephone their parents to let them know the outcome. I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“It had already been arranged that I was meeting my parents for dinner that evening and I would tell them my degree result once we ordered.”

“What did you think of that arrangement? Weren’t you keen to tell your parents sooner of your success?”

“I suppose so but I knew there was little point. Even if I had tried to telephone them, nobody would have answered. My mother would have deliberately absented the house so I could not reach them so as to avoid spoiling the anticipation at dinner.”

“So this arrangement was at your mother’s behest?”

“Of course. Who else? If I achieved the expected outcome the evening would pass pleasantly, if I did not, I would be subjected to a lengthy cross-examination unable to avoid it by putting the telephone down.”

“I see. It was fortuitous then that you achieved such an excellent result.”

“Fortune had nothing to do with it. This dinner was placed in the diary as soon as my mother knew when the examination results would be posted. It was a further incentive for me to achieve what was expected of me.”

Dr E nodded and made a note.

“How did the meal progress then? How did they react to news of your achievement?”

“Once our orders had been placed and the waiter walked away, my mother turned to me and asked ‘Well?’ I responded with, ‘I obtained a double first’ and she answered by saying, ‘As expected. I will make the call,’ and she left the table to telephone the other family members to let them know, probably her brother first of all out of them all.”

“No mention of well done or congratulations?” asked Dr E.

I shook my head.

“And your father?” he asked.

“My father waited until my mother was out of earshot and he reached across and placed his hand on my arm and said, “Well done HG, very well done, that is a fantastic outcome. I know just how hard you have had to work for that result. It is a magnificent result, truly outstanding. I am so very proud of you son, very proud indeed,” and then as he said the word proud his voice cracked and I looked up into his eyes and I could see that he was crying. I had never seen my father cry before. Ever. I had seen him concerned, downcast, worried and so much more, but never the tears. His face was fixed with a huge smile and he tried to speak again but he was overcome with pride. Pride for me. Just me. I had not seen anything like it.”

“How did you feel about him showing such pride for you?”

“I was taken aback but then I felt this surge through me and it felt amazing. It was visceral and ever so powerful as I continued to look at him, the tears filling his eyes and he kept nodding. His hand patted my arm, I can still picture it now. He wasn’t able to speak but the look on his face and that nodding told me that somehow he felt that the job was done, the mission had been accomplished and he was proud of me for doing so. I have never forgotten that moment.”

“Why?” asked Dr E.

“Because the way I felt when I saw my father cry tears of pride at my achievement made me want to see that again. The sense of power that he imbued in me, his praise, his pride, his adoration of my achievement was so edifying that he made me strive even harder. Oh, my mother thinks she is the driving force behind my success and it would be wrong to say she has not been. She has been a huge influence but from that point onwards, my postgraduate achievement, my securing employment and advancement through the hierarchy to where I am now and also in terms of what the future may bring has been driven by my father. I wanted to feel that power again and for that to happen I wanted to see those tears of pride again. So I worked damn hard. I never knew that pride would make someone cry. I never knew that someone’s proud tears would make me feel so powerful.”

“I see. Did you see those tears of pride again from your father?”

I felt the first flicker of the ignition of my fury at this question.

“No. Once again something special to me was taken from me.”

37 thoughts on “The Crying Game – Part Two

  1. lisa says:

    Just read this after K kindly sending me the link, I have read it before but it’s a long time ago. Made me have tears in my eyes again as it did the first time. HG you refer to this as receiving a certain type of fuel that was a powerful fuel, all it actually is, is you receiving actual real authentic praise and love, like a normal human being, which you are , despite your narcissism conning you into believing your above all of that . The first time i read this I just liked your father and wanted to hug him, now I think why didn’t he tell HER to sit down and not be going to make any telephone calls and to do what he did in front of HER. Let HER hear that and see that moment and if she had any comment tell her to be quiet. Not even let her organise the whole situation of dinner and announcement after ordering. Just stand up to HER.
    My mothers the same has never stood up to my Narc Stepfather once

    1. MB says:

      Lisa, I may be wrong (and HG will correct me if I am) but I don’t think his father would have extended his praise (and tears) in front of his wife. She had to leave the table in order for that moment to occur. It was an unintended gift to HG that she excused her hateful self.

      1. lisa says:

        MB
        That’s my point that he should have done it in front of her. I’ve had a lifetime of my mother doing and saying one thing to me and doing and saying another to narc husband .

        1. MB says:

          Oh, I see Lisa. The partner of the narcissist doesn’t want the repercussions for showing weakness or for standing up for themselves or their children.

          1. lisa says:

            MB
            I’m not sure what it is , but some form of enabling the Narc, not standing up for what is right morally or in particular for your child . Cowardly behaviour possibly, keeping the Narc happy at all costs.
            Standing by and doing nothing !!!

          2. windstorm says:

            MB
            I think it’s fear of upsetting the narc by showing their feelings in front of them. That was such a blessing about Pretzel’s family. Since everyone knew about narcissism, there was none of that hiding and pretending. You did and said what you thought should be done and said, knowing that the rest of the extended family would back you up.

  2. Lori says:

    Omg, HG….

  3. Sandra says:

    I haven’t cried once since my escape. Maybe I’m numb. Maybe I know I should be rejoicing. *Shrug*

    Well…I did cry watching Stark kill Sansa’s pet direwolf in Season 1 of Game of Thrones. Empathy for a fucking scapegoated animal.

    Seriously I think it was tears better spent.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Shit, the direwolf dies? Where’s the spoiler alert Sandra?!!

      1. Sandra says:

        Don’t provoke my guilty tears, HG!

        I actually thought I’m the last person to watch GOT

        Sorry!

    2. Star says:

      I don’t think I’ve cried for about a year. Kinda spent most of the time feeling numb and angry and in” do” mode. Then last night I watched re runs of Greys Anatomy. It was the episode where this young girl and an older man were in a train accident and a metal pole went through both of them, and in taking the pole out one of them would lose their life( the girl) Anyway I just lost it. It triggered something in me and I cried non stop for about 2 hours about, well everything!! I literally thought for a moment…I am losing it. Amazingly tho, it was therapeutic. I kind of feel like I let go of many many pains that I had been holding on to for a very long time.

      1. Sues423 says:

        I remember that episode. What a story!
        It’s amazing what things can trigger you out of nowhere and cause an emotional upheaval ! But that emotional release is so beneficial 🙂 I’m glad it was helpful to you.
        I should have been a professional crier lol I’ve cried enough during my life to fill a lake! Lol

      2. narc affair says:

        Crying is so very therapeutic. Im not a cry baby but when i feel i need that release i will cry on my own to cleanse my soul. Keeping it in can cause so many health problems from autoimmune to cancers. So important to feel your emotions and work thru them. Crying is a way to work thru the pain and grief.

        1. Star says:

          This is true. And though crying can get pretty ugly at times, it’s better than that feeling of numb or nothing at all. Which kind of makes me think that maybe it’s no wonder narcissists feel the need for fuel to survive. Maybe it’s the only way they are able to feel anything?

          1. robins359 says:

            That’s an interesting way of looking at them. Hmm. I know I would much rather cry than feel numb.

      3. narc affair says:

        Hi star…you hit it on the nail and ive thought this too that narcs are so deeply damaged the only way they can feel is thru fuel and intense reactions from people. The highs and lows keep them feeling and out of numbness. What i find interesting is how they end up making their victims feel everything theyve felt…shame, fear, insecurity, isolation…the list goes on.

        1. Star says:

          Narc Affair, that statement you said about how they make their victims feel everything they’ve ever felt seems to ring so true! It’s unfortunate that many victims will never have the chance to realize this and instead internalize it as their own shame and defectivness.

      4. MLA - Clarece says:

        I’ve become that way too, oddly. Direct hurtful things to me just make me go more numb. All I have to do to cry though is watch an episode of that show “This is Us” and the waterworks start. Every. Single. Episode. Lol

  4. Lori says:

    How was it taken away, HG? Did your father pass away? Or did your mother take it away somehow from that point on?
    Are people born with Narcissistic traits and then environmental treatments take over?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A combination of the two.
      It is a combination of genetic predisposition and environmental treatments.

      1. Lori says:

        I’m sorry. I still see good in you for reaching out and helping and educating, HG. This has to be difficult stuff.

  5. Cc says:

    My father was so proud of my academic achievements that I became a professional student. My father was brilliant and kind also. Mother consistantly made his life a living hell. She changed very much for the better after being Catechized, but dad was already gone by then. He was a saint.

  6. RS says:

    My heart is aching. What happened? Who is the Rachel you are talking to your sister?

  7. Rachel says:

    Iv cried every day for 6 months. It’s absolute torture

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Time to do something about it then Rachel.

    2. sues423 says:

      I’m very sorry Rachel, I understand how you feel..I don’t know your situation but I know what its like to cry every day and feel like you can’t function through the day… Just hang on and keep reading….

      1. robins359 says:

        Me too. I cried for so long I felt like a shell of the person I used to be. I wanted to die. My friends and family were very concerned. I does get better with more knowledge. I’m still not the person I used to be.

      2. Sues423 says:

        I’m so sorry Robins359, it’s so painful and debilitating. How long has it been now?

        1. robins359 says:

          Ten months of no contact. Mostly it just feels like a bad dream now but there are times when something strongly reminds me of a hurtful thing he said or did to me. I used to remember the sex fondly but now that I know it was just to get fuel, well, that ruined it for me.

          1. Sues423 says:

            That’s good Robins359,
            I know that is hard to do especially with all of the emotions and memories and thoughts that run through your head on a daily basis. I will tell you though that it does get better that you do feel better. It just takes so long. I hate to put a timeline on anything but from my experience, usually around 18 months you start to get a better grip and it doesn’t hurt so much. I feel so bad for you because I know I had to talk to my friends every single day to ease the pain. Just keep hanging and holding out. You deserve much better. Life is short and he doesn’t have a right to steal your happiness from you. ❤️

    3. Bliss says:

      How awful. If only I could be god for a day and wipe away everyone’s pain, suffering and (sad) tears. I try to cling onto harsh words said to me when I said I cried so much I felt like dying… you won’t die. You will get over it and get stronger. Still waiting…

    4. Lori says:

      Rachel. I don’t know you. During my period of this, I didn’t know myself. I would tear up for no reason, or talking about it, I didn’t sleep, I behaved so differently…. then I seriously hatched the most awful plan to rid everyone of me, and I knew then that not only had I given control to another, but I needed it back. NOW. I found this site, and for all of the wrong that this man caused another, he kept me from making my 9 year old daughter mother-less. He gave me the strength to step up and own some strength sand face what I needed to do…. and this past week, I did it. This coming week, the hammer will fall, and hard, aznd when the dust settles, I can talk. But, dry your eyes. Stand up. That person hurting you doesn’t deserve your pain, your tears, your soul. Get up.

      1. Lori says:

        Oh my…. typos

      2. Well said, Lori Stay strong.

      3. Bliss says:

        Articles like this makes me absolutely furious towards the abusive parent. For HG, for the narc I love who would not be how he is if he had not been abused. He would still be a narc perhaps but maybe not such a screwed up narcpath. Reason I still love him is because I now realise he absolutely cannot help being who he is, just as HG can’t. We just have to accept it. Empaths surely are the first to say we would accept and love someone as they are, so I have to just accept my narc for who he is. I will never go near him again (famous last words) because he is a major PITA and is currently out to ruin me, but my love won’t change because I know exactly what he is. It’s taken me a long time, fighting this feeling but this site has finally taught and brought me onto acceptance.

        1. Lori says:

          Great points, Bliss.

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