15 Ways To Spot A Narcissist


There are a number of ways to detect a narcissist, but one of the clear tells arises from what is said as you are given an early warning of what lies under the mask. Most people fall to notice it or if they do they are dismissive but what follows provides you with 15 spoken ways that you are being ensnared by one of our kind.

It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner of even by way of denial.

“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”

“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”

“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”

“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”

If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.

“I did warn you.”

“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”

“I told you so.”

“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”

“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”

Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.

With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.

  1. I am a bad person really.
  2. I will only hurt you.
  3. You should stay away from me.
  4. I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
  5. I will make you wish you had never met me.
  6. It will go wrong, it always does.
  7. You will end up hating me.
  8. You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
  9. You shouldn’t do this.
  10. You should leave while you can.
  11. This is going to turn out badly.
  12. I have to hurt people.
  13. I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
  14. I just want to fit in.
  15. I’m not what you think I am.

28 thoughts on “15 Ways To Spot A Narcissist

  1. mollyb5 says:

    I think women need to listen well and have him explain more …but with no emotions just curiousness …” oh really tell me more .” Or “tell me how or why you think you are bad , “ and listen ..listen like a detective learning more about a suspect . In the beginning empaths don’t want to come across as cynical or jaded but …they need to listen and observe actions specially young naive lonely girls . I warn my beautiful daughter of men with bad intentions all the time and I prepare her for the world of liars ….and sneaky snakes.

  2. Sophia says:

    Why do we smooth over these comments? He was saying half of those statements during week 2! Months later he said, “I’m a chameleon. I know what to say and do to get what I want. You need to listen.” His actions backed it up and I still smoothed it over. Most people run when they hear that crap, right? I mean, how often can that work?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It works repeatedly because of the various reasons that cause empathic people to smooth over them. The euphemising of comments, the desire to try and find good in people, the desire to fix and to heal, the impact of the addiction so that the emotional thinking overrides the logical thinking.

      1. Diva says:

        Hmmmm……makes me think of a comment my own mother made to me many moons ago………”if there were 99 good men in a room with 1 bad one, you would knowingly choose the bad one.”………Diva

      2. Sophia says:

        Or we can’t imagine we could be wrong about a person. 😂🤔

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    It just occurred to me that most of my narcs and psychopaths I have gotten involved with were born in late June and early July.

    Soooo they were all cancers….

    How appropriate.

    1. Chauntelle Russell says:

      Omg, how eerie. Now that I think back on it, mine were too. Except one was Aug 12th.

    2. Kristina says:

      Omg yes

  4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    There were so many but the first one that smashed me in the face was the whole…

    “I’m a cancer to everyone I meet”

    Regarding the whole zodiac crap lol.

  5. Indy says:

    Recent ex N said “if I were you, I’d run”

    1. Sues423 says:

      Wow! What went through your head?

    2. Jenna says:


  6. NP says:

    what about from a non-romantic point of view…like a frenemy, the arc colleague, etc

  7. Sues423 says:

    Would this be along the same lines ?

    “They usually get sick of me after a year and a half “

    1. Jenna says:

      Sue, or maybe he became tired of their fuel after 1.5 yrs?

      1. Sues423 says:

        Yes Jenna exactly! I thought the same thing ..
        but it seemed like a warning none the less right?
        When I heard this I started hear the theme song to MADMEN lol.

      2. Jenna says:

        Yes definitely a warning to run!🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃

  8. Snigle says:

    This comment rings very true. ‘…done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction.’

  9. Diva says:

    I had a short relationship with a mid range narc and on a number of occasions he would mention this “temper” that others had apparently seen but I never had. When he brought this “temper” into the conversation, I replied, “if you show me yours, I will be showing you mine.” He then said “I don’t think so, you are just a pussy cat.” I replied “some cats turn into tigers when they have to fight back.” He laughed it off, but I am sure after reading this article that these incidents were in effect my warning of the slipping mask…….but I escaped before I saw the beast because I found this blog and immediately went no contact. Thanks HG…..you saved one of my nine lives……Diva

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  10. Patricia J says:

    My GN comments over an over through years,
    went like this:
    I am a Mercenary. Killed many people. Sometimes you have to be the Greater Evil.
    If you dont listen to what I say..do you want to be next? Anyone else out there had that happen?

  11. Jw says:

    I heard all of these.

  12. Kim Michaud says:

    in retrospect this happened to me once about two months into the relationship we got into a fight well actually he got mad at me for nothing and accused me of not really loving him then he actually proceeded to say to me take it in your head your nothing to me English is not his first language but I assume he meant get it through ur. Head your nothing to me then he didn’t speak to me for ten days why the hell didn’t I run away I was shocked but at the time I said to myself he doesn’t mean it he’s just hurt but now I know he was telling the truth I really was nothing to him

  13. jenna says:

    “I have to hurt pple”
    Are u kidding me?!!!! 😄😂😂

  14. windstorm2 says:

    Whenever I’ve heard one of these it just makes me sad. I think I’ve instinctively known that no one says things like this without a reason. Empathic people don’t slip up and say things like this. The only people who say these things are people it’s probably true for.
    My response is always, “why do you say that?” Some people will laugh and dance around it and some will immediately pull away and retreat confused. With what I’ve learned here I’d say the latter ones are the midrangers. But it’s always sad to realize that someone I care about is dangerous to me.

  15. Jdhers says:

    So I guess being told “I’m a predator who preys on women.” Should have been my clue to run. I thought he surely couldn’t be serious. He was so wonderful to me………then. Great article HG. Thank you for shedding light on this tactic. Well done.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Jdhers.

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