The Rules of Ex – No. 9


28 thoughts on “The Rules of Ex – No. 9

  1. Katy says:

    HG – If he disengaged me, tried to hoover once and I ignored him and I have been no contact with him for about 6 months (since the disengagement which is our only ever breakup) does he consider me “on the shelf” or am I just deleted until I enter his 6th sphere?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I would need more information Katy in terms of what your role was, when the hoover took place by reference to the shelving or dis-engagement.

      1. Katy says:

        Hg we were engaged to be married ( so I am guessing I was a IPPS) and he has texted me twice in the 4 months since he disengaged me.

        1. HG Tudor says:


  2. Michael says:

    Hg so can a narcissist only idealize one source at a time? When the wife is devalued the side chick is devalued and visa versa, right? Can they both be idealized at the same time?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A narcissist can idealise more than one person, for instance we may have two or more IPSSs on the go at once. We will idealise NISSs also, admittedly it is not on a par with the intense love bombing of a Candidate IPSS but nevertheless they are viewed in a “white” light all the same. When the IPPS is devalued, the IPSS (or more than one) will be idealised. When the IPPS gets a respite period and is idealised again, the IPSS will be placed on the shelf more often than not, rather than suffer a Disengagement Devaluation.

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I’ll do my ex one better…

    I’ll gift wrap his ass and send him on back to her…

  4. ajo says:

    What if the ex wounds a mid-range badly? I can’t imagine he could ever re-idealise me and forget the massive wounds I caused him, though I wish he would so I could reject him this round.Last time I saw him he drove past me while I was running and his glaring gaze did not look like admiration, rather absolute hate for me. Damn did I look good though. Hope he got a great look at my abs and legs 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The impact of wounding diminishes over time. Moreover, if someone else wounds us badly then you appear ‘white’ by comparison and therefore attract our attention.

      1. Ajo says:

        Again, so interesting. But we as empaths do that too. Even in normal relationships one often forgets the bad and remembers the good.
        I remember him sometimes stating things his wife did that wounded him, but he would follow it with a statement of understanding why she did it because he was treating her so poorly. He actually in those moments realized why she was overly emotional during certain times. I find that interesting as well.
        He is absolutely brilliant with apologies. He knows the only way I’d ever speak to him again is if he apologized for cheating on me, which he isn’t going to do right now because he is still with her. Honestly, I don’t think he ever will. But, you say never say never…

  5. Jose says:

    When narcs are devaluing their primary source do they actually reidolize former primary sources in their mind or just make the current primary source believe their ex is better for triangulation purpose?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The former IPPS is re-idealised and this is the basis of the triangulation.

      1. Alison says:

        HG- Does reidolizing an ex make you more likely to Hoover them even if that ex has been no contact? Does it make your ex enter your 6th sphere when you are telling your current primary source all about how great your ex is?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes they enter the sixth sphere because we are thinking/talking about the ex. A hoover will then be executed if the criteria are met.

      2. KT says:

        Any IPPS or only the most recent discardee?

      3. Joe says:

        Hg- I know my ex wasn’t a lesser because he was cerebral. He seems very much so to have been mid range but I am now wondering if he might have been greater. How can I tell the difference? Would I have known if he was greater? Aren’t most narcs mid?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Joe, most narcissists are indeed MR and Lesser. If you want to know what school he or she belonged to, the best thing to do is to have a consultation with me and I can give you the answer.

  6. narc affair says:

    Triangulation is the narcs favorite tool!

  7. Nat says:

    do you believe it yourself as well? is your ex again painted white?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        HG, how come when the narc I was involved with as a secondary source was devaluing his wife, he also referred to his ex as a psycho? Shouldn’t he have been re-idealizing his ex once the wife was being devalued?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No because he was idealising you and therefore in the dynamic with you, both the wife and the ex would be described in poor terms in order to triangulate you as part of your seduction.

      2. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thanks so much for explaining, HG. Makes sense.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  8. Cc says:

    How adorable.

  9. Mona says:

    Yes and right now the devaluation of another victim starts and he remembers me – the unfortunate thing. I will be there, if his victim has questions! I will help her. I hope, she finds her way to me. There is no need to suffer too long. I do not want another woman to suffer the way I did. The creature (me) is on a pedestal again – one queen of his past.

  10. ANM says:

    Yes! This one blows my mind. The exes who were all “opportunist” are suddenly women who “cared deeply”. Does the Narcissist actually believe this to be true himself, or is this part of the manipulation (triangulation)?

  11. 1jaded1 says:

    Youe disorder.

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