Never Again

NEVER AGAIN

I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.

By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

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43 Comments

  1. I can barely tolerate like any man for more than five minutes. It is always an infuriating or mind numbing experience. I am just disgusted with men in general these days….

    I have… no joke…like zero tolerance for any kind of bullshit or Mickey Mouse game playing. It bores me, it’s insulting and beneath me.

    One or a combination of the following occurs lol:
    1.) I stop speaking to them after five minutes because they can’t hold a conversation
    2.) I get annoyed at how boring they are and simply answer their questions and don’t initiate anything because … why bother?
    3.) I become so disgusted with something about them within a few minutes conversation that I immediately clock out and start expressing my disdain in a cool and emotionless way
    4.) all they do is talk about sex and not even in a hot way….
    5.) they are so emotionally absent so I clock out
    6.) they are too emotionally clingy so I clock out
    7.) they don’t turn me on
    8.) they don’t turn me on
    9.) did I mention they don’t turn me on?
    10.) oh yes… and I pick up on bullshit and crazy far too quickly to entertain it ….

    So when I say …. never again

    I’ve never meant anything more in my entire fucking life.

  2. Jessa, thank you very much for sharing your experience. I was very much the same way. The sex (and intimacy, as there were millions of tender moments) was incredible and that’s why I kept going back for the longest time… it outweighed the arguments… until it didn’t. The arguments and all the rest of the Narc traits were just too much for my spirit to allow him to crush any further. I know I’m strong, since I survived losing my husband to brain cancer 4.5 years ago and then my mother and stepfather all within the same couple of months. I can survive this.. but damn, it really is one of the most difficult challenges I’ve ever faced (oddly enough). Anyway, thanks again, Jessa.

    1. Oh wow. So you’d already pulled off a hat trick comprised of experiencing and surviving the deaths of 3 of the most important people in your life. And then for each of those events to be layered onto one another in such a short time gave you no time to mourn properly. Just WOW! Yes you are strong. I’m sorry you had to find out by going through those losses. It’s like life with a narc as you experience something reaching heights depravity you never knew. And you think there’s nothing that could be worse. And then you find out, yes there is. So you must have met him after? I was in an all time life low and vulnerable state when I met mine & I love it when he tells me ive changed. Um, yes, you are right. I’ve changed back to my old self once again! You’ve never met this gal. Hope you like her! I love it though… he must have mistaken your kindness for weakness!! You’re amazing for coming through the series of losses as you did. It must have felt like you were losing pieces of your heart during that time. I wonder if such wounds remind us how much heart and strength we have? You obviously have both. I’m going to remember what you said about coming to a point where you were not allowing him to crush your spirit any further. That will help me stay on track. Thank you for your response.

      1. I met my ex Narc when I was in the process of losing my husband.. he was ill and unable to know anything about life as we knew it .. his mind & body were basically gone… kind of vegetative, if you will… and I was vulnerable…. then my mom and my step-dad were gone before I knew it. Allowing the narc into my life was selfish of me but at the time it helped me keep my sanity. I ended up being the narc’s other woman (after ‘we’ were caught… his wife broke up after she found herself a new BF) that turned into his eventual fiancée (yeah, right… just a tactic to get me back when we broke up the first time). And I thought it was odd that he didn’t display normal empathic attributes in the face of knowing my husband was dying. I didn’t see through that at the time. As time went on and I got stronger and more myself (happier, stronger, confidant, easy-going, playful and fun again) he started to feel and act insecure and the devaluation started subtly and then after awhile… not so subtly. So although I didn’t always make the right decisions and were selfish, my intentions were not to destroy or hurt anyone. This is why I can’t wrap my head around a narcissist’s ability to purposefully hurt and destroy the spirit of the person they claimed to love so desperately… and now to slowly see that he was lining up his next girlfriends even before we were done… well, maybe that’s my karma… so be it… I still walk around in a fog on some days.

  3. Although you are right about the initial feelings, i dnt agree. Of course with your help HG. You get tired of the tests, the rages, the abandonment. You get tired of the put downs, blame. You get tired of living, and loving for a ghost. And, if you get a chance to break from it a minute, find new friends, live life, you will find all of those horrible things you where made to believe are untrue. Then the weight, the invisible chain’s, the pain, will alleviate. And him, well, it’s still chaos, it’s still a mess even though he thinks he’s perfect. It’s one person after another he fights with, more now that I’m not the constant beating post. Even female family member’s are now subjected to it, calling them stupid b, names, having their husband telling him don’t talk to my wife like that. Maybe now the fog will lift for them? Yes, he did treat me like that, glad it’s being taken out on you now!!!!

  4. I have come to realise that I do not like “never” and “forever” very much. I avoid using these words. When we are truly ready, “never” comes anyway, without force.

  5. No , things will never be the same. They will be better than before.
    I’m stronger because of my bitter experience, wiser because of my mistakes and armed with the knowledge that I gained here.
    I don’t say ‘ never again ‘ but it’s gonna be my way or the highway.

    And as Clair Underwood said in the final moments of the last episode-
    ‘My turn’.

  6. I’m struggling with this now I went back the first time I know he’ll be hovering again soon because before he hoover he despair a tell attempts to satisfy himself with online porn and dating sites and he’s doing it feverishly now he’s searching for rich woman and single mom’s like me I’m not rich though he’s trying to replace me with someone better like he always does or either fuel himself with false admiration from strangers he always does this before a hoover and yes I know all this because I discovered a way to track all his online activity he’s in a frenzy now desperately searching for fuel so he doesn’t have to hoover me I actually feel bad for him now but will I resist this time is the question I know he’s never added any benefit to my life and it will be two years this December since we met it has to end

      1. You can do it! I’m certainly not an expert as I’ve broke it and back together several times. But I watched one of the YouTube videos earlier called Obsessing I think. HG gives some good strategy tips to wean yourself off spending your time thinking and trying to figure things out. I don’t know if it will apply for you but I would love to think he doesn’t get to suck up any more of your time and energy than necessary. To paraphrase HG on the video “You should spend that time instead watching the videos and reading the material to arm yourself with knowledge that strengthens your defenses and serves you.” …something like that.
        If I may say. I think it would be kinda awesome if, when he did show up after his frantic searching for some freshly sourced fuel, you just act indifferent, but all good & don’t give him any positive or negative fuel. Toss him a little injury for his troubles. It’s really empowering and fun to do. It was so hard for me to do it. That was where mine figured out to punish me cause I like sex so much I can separate it from any argument or whatever. He sent me to purgatory for a couple months. Even stole my vibrator! Wtf? Damn! Then, I was able to turn it back on him when he decided to grace me with some intimate attention. The resulting effect of this was the spell on me started breaking apart. More each day. That was the first time I started feeling free of wanting him in over 2 years!! He made the mistake of putting me in time-out for a little too long. When he circled back around, it was even easier to say ‘nah, I’m good, thanks”. Apparently, sex (and totally worth the hype) was the biggest hold he had on me. Once I broke away from the intensity of that a lot changed for me ….. especially with the struggle to cope emotionally.

        Good Luck!!

    1. If you are a single mom, please keep that garbage away from your kids. Sorry, for being so forward but I watch a dateline investigation and this would seek out the same women. Single with decent careers but not necessarily rich. He’s a pedophile polygamist thats was convicted for fraud.

      Please be careful.

      1. He’s definitely not a pedophile I know this for a fact he’s looking for single mom’s only cut he thinks they are lonely unfortunately I’m married not legally but Islamically to him he’s an Arab Muslim we got married by an imam which is like the equivalent of a priest or minister thank god its not a legally recognized marriage I stopped twice from getting married legally to him cut I know he would destroy me legally and financially he’s reasons for marrying me is so he can look like a respectable Muslim to his family and friends who absolutely adore me and I adore them too he basically wants me to sit around at home cooking and cleaning and making him look good while he cheats repeatedly he’s told me to never ask him about other woman but I’m positive he’s not a pedophile thank u for your reply and concern greatly apreciated

  7. HG… I’m curious. In your view, what do you consider “the root of all evil”? My answer Is human insecurity. I would be interested in hearing your answer if you would be so inclined. Thanks.

  8. What are you doing HG? Are you trying to manipulate us to believe that we will never find a love again? I must disappoint you. The ex of my narc found a good love after him, I will do it former or later, the others will do it. We will be more cautious with the next one and it will not be that exciting because of our lost trust , but there will be a new love. Many of us will learn their lesson well and send the next upcoming narc into the Plains..
    They will not believe in sweet words anymore but look on the deeds of someone. What are you telling us?

    Not all of us are jealous, not all of us think afterwards they lost the love of their life. Your kind of course believes that- therefore the benign hoovers. Your kind is so persuaded that you are the middle of universe- but you are only another human who bites into dust like all of us.

    No, my dear friend, you are not the first and not the last. It is only your fantasy that lets you believe it.

    Some day you will die this way – thinking and believing – that you have been the greatest- the most powerful- the most seductive- the most …

    and you are only one of six in a row who thinks so. And all of your kind believe the same.

    (Your own words)

    And every six person thinks he/she/it is unforgettable.

    How many of these persons are still in our mind?

    Look at the Tudors. How many people are interested in them? It is only a minority, even most of your readers do not know about him and the rest. Dust of history.

    I am sorry for my harsh words, but it is the truth. You are forgettable and you do play a fading role in our lives, if we want to.

  9. “Never again is what you said the time before” is a line in a “Depeche Mode” song. I seem to recall you saying you like the band. I saw them perform last week in Chicago and I have to say, the words to the songs have new meanings to me now. You are correct in that my ex has changed how I see many things, but you HG have changed how I listen to “Depeche Mode,” lol The concert was awesome all the same. Great post, just what I have been thinking about. I am beginning to think, never again will I get married!

    1. Actually, let me correct that line… “Never again is what you swore the time before.” Yes, this says it all.

      1. yes, I will never be the same as before. I am another person, but I can not idealize the past anymore. I am so sorry for such falsehood, but the senses are better and healthier now, I also learned from narcissists. and now I can create everything myself for myself and those I choose.

  10. I can agree with this article to a point……yes I have said “never again” and gone back numerous times……..however just one time……and I have no idea how or why…….I stuck to my guns and “never again” actually meant “never again.” My narc actually commented on the fact that he was sure I didn’t mean it, because I had “let him back in” before…..however, everyone has a breaking point,,,,,,and I had clearly reached mine…….and my “never again” (with him) stands firm 6 years later. I am at a stage whereby I am glad I met him, but I am also glad I am no longer with him…….he means nothing to me now, but I acknowledge that he meant something to me at the time. My life will never be the same as it was when I knew him……but I do not want that life back. As much as I do not want to trust anyone after him…..I know that I will and I do…….everyone gets a fair chance with me……I may be more wary that’s all. I see, hear and smell things that remind me of him, but no tears fall. I will always love the way I have always loved….with no conditions…..I do not know any other way. I am calm and relaxed……more than I ever was with him…….the heightened state of anxiety disappeared over time…..I believe that belonged to him and only stayed with me so long as he was around. The euphoria you can find elsewhere……you can make your own……you can now do what you want to do as opposed to what someone else expects or wants you to do. I am so happy that things will never be the same again….(or will they!!!!!! Thanks HG I mirrored that line from you!!!!!)……….Diva

  11. Now Mr Tudor. You may have a couple of things right here but the most important one you have got very wrong indeed. ‘Never Again’ means just that. The narc is welcome to anyone they want. There I go bursting your bubble. So nope, it was a learning curve of hurt beyond belief. I value me now and know my boundaries. So Never Again.

  12. Dear HG,

    After a year of studying your insights, and being vigilant of my behaviours & awareness, I’m still losing friends…those who do not understand what it means to be ensnared by a narcissist & not just one but many.
    Am I keeping him in ever presence by being vigilant? Is this a dichotomy or a catch 22?

    I question every person who finds me attractive. I query myself about anyone I find attractive. Is this a phase?
    Even with reading & rereading about the red flags, it is not so black & white.
    My last narc relationship was with a mid-range victim type.
    Am I overdoing my efforts? Am I hurting myself by being so vigilant?
    I hope you will be as helpful as possible.

    1. I understand why you may think this way, it is a necessary consequence that by maintaining vigilance you will of course keep the narcissist in mind to some extent. The key is to regulate your emotional thinking so that you are able to think of the narcissist (and thus remain vigilant) without the usual consequences that follow from thinking about the narcissist. It is achievable.
      You are doing the correct thing by questioning because this is an excellent way of re-training your mind to apply logic rather than emotional thinking. Over time, you will do this as a matter of instinct and also you will remove the downside that usually accompanies thinking ‘is he a narcissist’ in terms of then thinking about your experiences with the prior narcissist.

      1. Thank you Sophia. I really needed to read this this morning! I cannot concentrate on my job or life. I keep thinking of him and the sad thing is, I probably barely cross his mind!

        1. Remember, it would hurt him to see that you aren’t broken. I know it is hard. Try to find things to do that get you to a happy place. Prayers. 😃

        2. Remember, it would hurt him to see that you’re not broken. I know it’s hard, but try to find things to do that make you happy. Sending hugs and prayers. 😃

  13. I hate that this is so true!! I have said never again so many times and I get so angry with myself! I learned very early on as a child to somehow minimize the devastating and hurtful things going on at home and I pretended that it wasn’t really happening. I can still do this. I really relate to this so much. I know better and yet every now and then I still think what if…

  14. The last paragraph is entirely correct…I hate it when you are right! Scents, songs, movies, books, crosswords, thai food. I will always be chasing the dragon. Damn it! (wistful and frustrated)

  15. RIGHT. music, food, friends, places. ruined and on the never again (at least never again the SAME) list.

Vent Your Spleen!

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