The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 6
At the outset, the sex was off the charts. You would not describe yourself as promiscuous but neither have you lived as a nun. You have had numerous, if not extensive sexual partners and you know what works for you and you know what does not and it certainly worked with us. Now, of course not all of our kind are sexual Olympians, dedicated sexperts who are well-versed in the art of orgasmic sexual congress. You can discount the Victim Narcissist from such attainment straight away. Cerebrals, well they will talk a good game and will perform reasonably well, but as soon as there is no need to maintain, then they will not, but it would not be described as earth-shattering. Not all Somatics and Elites are necessarily going to make the world move, but most do and if you have been ensnared by one of these cadres then sex was sensational.
Then it wasn’t.
There is no interest shown in having sex with you or if there is, it is perfunctory and all about our needs and yours are just ignored, which is most bewildering after the triple A performances you once received.
Sex just isn’t the same. Not at all. It has gone off the boil and then frozen. The bedroom is an icy wilderness but oddly we are now ensconced in our bolthole until late at night. Some snooping reveals an extensive porn browsing history taking in all manner of different sexual tastes. You hear us make comments about other women or men (dependent on orientation) and people who appear on television or films are given an appraisal in terms of sexual appeal and what we would like to do with them. The libido appears alive and well. Just not with you.
You raise this turn of events with a confidante and explain how once it was all nosebleed inducing orgasms, hijinks from the chandeliers and extensive couplings through the night. You then details how you are lucky if you get a kiss. You offer that there appears to be no loss of interest in sex per se from us, our browser history confirms this, but there is clearly a loss of interest in engaging in sexual congress with you. Whoever it is you have turned to nods in understanding and pronounces that the way to get things back on track is for you to broaden your sexual horizons and this will put the spark back in to the relationship.
No it will not.
When sex is removed from the equation it is not the consequence of familiarity with the same body and the same techniques deployed that might affect the sexual activity of a healthy couple. It is not the fact that one or both parties is tired, stressed, worried the children will walk in, not feeling as attractive because they have gained weight/not had chance to shower/needs to engage in some pubic topiary etc. The sex has not dwindled through this common reasons which are symptomatic of a long-lasting relationship. No, the sex has been removed because it is not a manifestation of affection or love from us, but it is a weapon.
Giving you great sex is a weapon.
Removing that great sex is a weapon.
It is done to gain fuel and to control you.
Accordingly, your devaluation has occurred because your fuel is stale/not frequent enough/not copious enough and thus sex is withdrawn to provoke a reaction from you so you give us negative fuel.
If you try harder to engage with us sexually, if you suggest different activities be it role-playing, watching porn together, using different techniques, dressing up, introducing some kinks and so forth as part of this attempt to broaden your sexual horizons and thus introduce the spark into the relationship again this is what will happen.
- You signal to us that our withdrawal of sexual interest has really begun to have an impact. All we will then do is decide to maintain it. So no matter how much new and desirable lingerie you wear, no matter if you have chosen to wear your ankles behind your ears rather than the Chanel, no matter how hard you try to be seductive and alluring it will be thrown in your face for the purposes of extending your devaluation and your provision of negative fuel.
- You will also open yourself up to the exploitation of your now more liberal attitude. We will not accept what you have suggested but instead push it further with a view to finding some kind of sexual activity which we know you do not want to engage in but your desperation to please and to try will mean that you will go along with it. Dependent on your threshold, this might mean a threesome, group sex, water sports, rough sex, humiliation games, sex in public places, sex on camera to be broadcast across the internet and much more besides. Your reluctant agreement to engage in this will be seized on and you will be subjected to a range of unpleasant sexual behaviours which we will revel in forcing you into for the purposes of drawing negative fuel from you all done with the comment “You said you wanted to try something new.”
- We will see this as a green light to open up further fuel lines by getting your approval to allow other people into our sexual activities, forcing you to sleep with other people as we watch, or allowing us to plough a furrow elsewhere and then tell you about it. This will all be done to enable us to gain fuel from these Intimate Partner Secondary Sources and/or Intimate Partner Tertiary Sources and to draw further negative fuel from you because of your reaction to this. You will go along with it but because of your empathic traits which cater to decency, honesty and fidelity, your reaction will vary from quiet dismay to out and out horror at what we have been doing and what we expect you to do.
Offering to broaden your sexual horizons with our kind is to open yourself up to further abuse through the maintenance of the sexual famine and/or the imposition of unpleasant and unsavoury sexual activities as a consequence of our need for fuel and also the maintenance of control over you. Sex, owing to its relationship to love and intimacy for many people of an empathic nature, means it is weapon ripe for exploitation by us. Where you receive the erroneous advice of the ignorant it will only result in further abuse and hurt for you.
To understand in detail the attitude of the narcissist to sex, Sex and the Narcissist is a fascinating insight into the sexual dynamic between narcissist and victim.
UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Sex-Narcissist-H-G-Tudor-ebook/dp/B01B8NKS4A
US http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
CAN http://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
AUS http://www.amazon.com.au/gp/product/B01B8NKS4A
59 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 6”
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H.G if a source’s boundries are pushed in bed and the narcissist hurts them physcially but immediately apoliges and said it was a “mistake” and loves them very much would this be about control ,devaluation or maybe both . Thanks !
The physical injury is devaluation and is part of the assertion control. The following false contrition and false declaration of love are also assertion of control.
HG,
Who does your graphics for you? They’re always on point!
I choose them. Thank you.
Dear HG,
Thank you for this post. As you know (and as I realised after reading this site), we empaths are truth seekers and that’s why we read your blog (it’s also awfully well written but the need for answers is huge). This post is 80% of the truth that I needed to find. Because of your lack of empathy you don’t know how I feel now but I must say thank you. Sooooo many advice from the ignorants I had to suffer until now…
Next step will be finding out how to get out of this sexless second love bombing by my cerebral upper mid-range… I have no clue yet so I’ll stay tuned.
Regards,
A Geyser
You are most welcome. The answers are indeed here.
Ian it possible to be a somatic where one cares about status and physical appearance but yet be cerebral in that he/she talks about sex often but does not perform well.
Let me retry this without the numerous grammatical errors lol.
Is it possible to be a somatic where one cares about status and physical appearance, but yet be cerebral in that he/she talks about sex often but does not perform well?
Probably still somatic. You can have a somatic who is not brilliant in bed, but thinks he is – therein lies the difference. The delusion of being good looking, a sexual athlete etc can apply to a somatic.
HG,
I’m glad I didn’t give in to my somatic,he probably sucked in bed and would have been a huge disappointment just like his intelligence was a disappointment.
Somatics are variable in the bedroom. I remember one I dated years ago. Average looking although he rated himself. Well Below average in bed. No foreplay, only wanted penetrative sex. He was dead straight, no kinkiness at all. And would go on for bloody hours, same position even. He thought he was amazing! Told me I’d never have sex as good as this again. I’m glad I haven’t lol
I stand by what I said in another post. I want to buy some of this delusion Hahahah
But despite that, he was highly addictive. So you almost became conditioned to like the sex because of how addictive he was. He did once tell me that his ex before me used to moan he was taking too long and he hated that. I can certainly see why haha
I definitely find the upper lesser type As the most addictive I think. Even as NISS. They come in fast furious, high energy, I can’t help but love them. Someone pass the methadone hahha
Alexissmith, you described my ex to a tee.l with that description of sex. Ugh. But yes, highly addictive.
But wow yes to the ULA’s! The summer narc, I still catch myself thinking about the fun we had, and I never even met him!! Oh I so wish he wasn’t a narc!!
Alexis, I love reading your comments! You are hysterical 🤣🤣🤣
On a serious note though, I agree that our addiction to the narcissist and our emotional thinking cons us. I remember one time being in the middle of it with Workplace narc and he stops and says to me, “I just want to look at you.” Fucking Bastard! At the time, it blew me away. Now, I know he was just saying, “I just want to look at you so I can soak up your delicious fuel.” I repeat, Fucking Bastard!
Our addiction and emotional thinking likes to screw with our heads.
Where do they get the idea that this is acceptable? No foreplay, no penetration. Even a teenage boy in a makeout session should know better than that. You don’t get to the next base unless you do something your partner likes in the current one.
Awww I know AV but then if he wasn’t we wouldn’t be addicted to him in the first place.
aww thanks Leigh!
I know, it’s a tricky one when taking a comp from a narc. The way I get my head around it is to know logically that they say it just to get a reaction for fuel and then I remind myself that they can still be correct (if it’s a compliment) even if they have only said it for that purpose hahah
If they say something negative I remind myself they don’t really mean it theyre just being controlled by their narcissism to make themselves feel better. But it’s all lies lol
I loved your last paragraph. What a positive way to look at it. That statement can help us to not be bothered by their negative comments and just walk away. Thank you for sharing that.
I know violetta, but he was so highly addictive that I learned to like it?? I’ve never had sex like it before or since. And of course I’m fully deprogrammed from him.
“No foreplay, only wanted penetrative sex. He was dead straight, no kinkiness at all. And would go on for bloody hours, same position even.” With that description, the only thing I would get addicted to is lube.
Sex and the Narcissist was the first book I bought from your series because that was the most troubling issue for me. It was A-mazing. Thank you HG!
Pinkfire that was the first book I bought too, as I wanted to know why he was chasing and wanting to have sex with other women when he already had me and his wife, although he was going to divorce her. It made me realise what he is, and that he is a somatic, his fuel is the thrill of the chase and sex.
P.S. anyone still having problems with e-mail notifications for replies and comments on threads?
I’m not still not getting these.
Ooh, just got the confirm follow e-mail, so hopefully working now!
Water Sports🤣🤣🤣I have never heard it phrased in that way.
Let’s try boiling hot water, how about that?
Yolo,lol!!
Non capisco? Maybe it is because I escaped first and was never knowingly devalued? Or maybe it is because if the narc tried playing the “weapon sex game” with me, they would be on the end of my toe out of the door. As I said non capisco the removing and withholding it did not happen to me (although I now suspect my mid range narc was going to try and implement this but he never got a chance) and if he had Beyonces “Irreplaceable” would have been playing at full volume at the mere hint of it.
My experience is with the sadistic-somatic type, and this is all very recognisable. I was punished for not doing what he wanted, for having boundaries, not being available on demand, leaving when i needed to. In bed he would tell me to stop “thinking for myself” – i had to be (in his words) “passive and obedient” while he was domineering and dramatic: face slapping, spitting, strangling, torture, nonstop sex, fantasies of threesomes, orgies, sleeping with anyone he told me to (i would not), impregnation, sexual slavery. He was always aggressive in pursuit of seeing me, but afterwards cold and distant, to repeat the cycle again.
Peace out, my non-narc ex used to tell me ‘u don’t need to think too hard, leave the thinking to me.’ It’s so similar.
But, he never did any of the face slapping, etc. that u talk abt, nor punished me. He was 100% monogamous, and very romantic. No odd sex acts. I thought he was domineering. Now i have to reconsider after reading this.
What u were subjected to sounds horrible. I’m so sorry.
You do not know that he was monogamous.
I’m positive. I have my reasons but i won’t get into them.
Hi Jenna……I guess it is possible that you may have come across a “fluke” monogamous narc and if so……you are definitely the exception here…..Diva
Diva, the ex i’m talking abt who was monogamous is not a narc. Sorry for the confusion.
Hi Jenna…….it was my mistake……I read your post again and you did state non narc………sorry…….I am so used to discussing ex narcs on here that I forget that normal exes exist too…….although I never knew one!!!!! Diva
No prblm diva. Maybe my mistake for talking abt a non-narc on a narc blog lol!
I just wanted to point out the similarity btwn narc n non-narc in that situation……….. Jenna!!!………
Hehe i copied ur sign off in order to tease u! 😀
Jenna……That definitely made me smile!!!!!……..Beautiful photo by the way………Diva
Diva, i’m glad i made u smile! And ty for the compliment.
…….. Jenna 😀
And this is why I am so glad that I remained as I was. Once I picked up on this, I shut all the way down. No regrets. My intuition told me it was FRUITLESS to buy into the bullshit.
Thank you for the subject. I was always so confused because my narc (one of the greatest) is a very promiscuous/sex addict, with hundreds or of trophies under his belt. I’m in my forties, 20 years younger than him and had been in the relationship on and off for 15 years. In my experience he was not only no good at it at all, he sucked at it. To this day he thinks he is a magician in bed. Your description portrays him exactly. However, he always made me think, he got bored with me and needed vast variety all the time. I don’t understand how he had always praise me yet told me, he needs “a new body”. He tried all his tricks on me, every time he went into extreme and I opposed he found new source of supply, someone else who would do what he wanted and discard me for a while, then come back exactly as you describe. I always knew about his infidelity, his strange sexual behavior. If I raised the issue, he would just say, if I agreed to do his bidding he wouldn’t have to look anywhere else. He would spin it all against me telling me I’m the most jealous woman he had ever known, etcetera.
HG what is the answer : if being proactive is a key to exploitation what then if we do nothing ….. If we simply allow and concede to the power of withholding of the narq and we say nothing- what then?
It would appear that the only winner is the narq but to what end ? What is the long term objective…
Is destroying the empath the answer ?
Fuel.
I love this series!
And the picture…
The man on the knees…
(At least one 😊)
J’adore!
J’adore aussi salome!
😀
“No matter if you have chosen to wear your ankles behind your ears rather than the Chanel”
Best line 😂😂😂😂
This is so true on so many levels I can’t even explain them all
Oh god, don’t get me started on this…
You go Girl….
Sort of ditto! LOL.
You’re too funny! All this time I thought you were one of HG’s doctors. Now that I know your name was picked from a Batman character, . . Too funny!
RS….😂
Lol!
No…I am definetly not one of HG’s doctors.
Clearly everyone knows this ones a sore subject for me.
All I have to say is small penis humiliation and strap on…
Dr. H …. 😂 Not to make light of what you went thru but if you cant laugh youd cry or end up in a straight jacket lol Id rather laugh!
Stop doc!😂😂😂
‘in the woods’ 😂😂😂
Jenna,
I didn’t even know small penis humiliation was a “thing”.
I thought I was a freak but … wtf lol???
Don’t tell fibs Dr Q.
HG,
Now what could I be fibbing about silly?
You know what…I should come clean. I am really a cam girl and I do small penis humiliation and that is how i earn my living lmao.
The secret is out!
😂😂😂
Maybe I should whip out those thigh high boots again? lmao
I mean…after all…it is fall now…
I draw the line at putting rods up someones ding-a-ling and water sports.
This book is a wealth of information and answered so many questions!