Why Haven’t I Heard From The Narcissist?

WHYHAVEN'T IHEARD FROMTHE NARCISSIST?

 

 

The infamous hoover is widely-used and once people learn to recognise the various hoovers that we deploy they can often be seen coming thick and fast following your escape from us or if you have been discarded.  Every so often however some people point out that they have not have been hoovered. The narcissist in their life just vanished and the victim only realised after the event that they had been callously discarded. The victim has heard nothing from the narcissist ever since and cannot even locate him or her. It is rarer, but it might even happen when you escape our clutches, instigate no contact as best you can but you expect a hoover to happen because he knows where you live or she works near to where you work. Surely that hoover will be coming? Usually it does. Usually there is the initial grand hoover which is a forceful and frenetic attempt to win you back, in effect, when you have sought to escape us. If we discarded you, when we decide we want some hoover fuel perhaps as part of a triangulation with the new primary source, we come looking for you pledging a new start and issuing promises to change as part of a benign hoover. Resist that and the malign hoover may make an appearance as you are berated and denigrated in order to punish you and draw negative fuel from you. However, what does it mean if there has been nothing but silence? Is that it? Are you free? Have you beat your narcissist?

When the expected hoover fails to manifest in the days and weeks after escape or discard there are differing reasons as to why this is the case. Those reasons are as follows: –

  1. If you have been discarded and not heard from us, then there is a high chance that we are revelling in the positive fuel from the new target that we selected. This person was courted by us during your devaluation as we tired of your increasingly stale fuel. They were lined-up, seduced and drawn into our web. Their seduction was effected without you being aware and once we were content that this person had been plugged in to us and was pumping out the required fuel we discarded you as we no longer had any use for you. We regarded you as never having existed. You have not heard from us because we have a new toy and we have no need of you. Consider how long your own golden period was with the relevant narcissist. Was it a year, perhaps it was longer? If so, although there is no guarantee that we will afford the same golden period to each person we ensnare, there will be a similarity. This is because we tend to choose similar types of individuals as our victims and therefore the golden period whilst not identical is likely to be of a similar length. Thus, if your golden period was a year, the golden period for your replacement will be of a similar length of time. We are delighted with this person, they are wonderful, our soulmate, you know the drill by now. Since this person is the centre of our universe we have no need to trouble you for, say, at least a year, hence you have not heard from us.
  1. If you discarded us by in effect escaping us and put yourself not beyond total reach but it would be difficult for us to establish contact with you for the purposes of commencing the initial grand hoover against you, then you may not hear from us. This scenario is one whereby you have reduced our spheres of influence and cut off most of the channels of communication. You could be found but the effort required in doing so is beyond the capability of desire of the particular narcissist you were embroiled with. If this person is a lesser or mid-range type of our kind, they are less likely to have the capability to track you down nor the energy to want to do so. The sudden loss of their primary source, because you escaped us,will have them thrown into a panicked state. Your escape is a criticism of us. A massive criticism. This creates a huge wound. This will ignite our fury and we need fuel double quick to cope with this. You cannot be found or reached. We have not had time to put in place a new primary source. In this instance we face a choice. Do we waste energy trying to hoover you when the prospects are slim or do we turn elsewhere for fuel? When dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind, the answer will always be that we will turn elsewhere for fuel. This will mean :-
  1. Targeting a new primary source and seducing that person as quickly as possible;
  2. Targeting a new primary source whilst relying on supplementary sources for fuel to keep us “topped up” until such time as the new primary source is attached and providing fuel;
  3. Relying on supplementary sources and withdrawing and stabilising before seeking a new primary source. This scenario causes us to adopt a low profile.

Any of the above permutations means that our focus will be elsewhere and therefore we will appear to have no interest in you.

  1. If you discarded us by escaping and also, as a consequence of your preparedness not only managed to escape effectively but exposed what we are to people who have believed you before we could smear you then you will have caused us massive damage. In such an instance the following would apply:-
  1. We have suffered an immediate cessation of our primary source of fuel and do not have a replacement;
  2. We may well have suffered damage to our supplementary sources who have been shown the truth of what we are;
  3. The wound caused by the criticism caused by your escape AND the exposure to our façade will be huge.

In such circumstances withdrawal would be the only likely option in order to conserve energy (and avoid the risk of continued criticism by engaging with people who now know what we are) to then enable us to find new source of fuel away from what has now become an infected area for us. In a large urban environment this is not such a problem for us, but in a small town or rural community it would necessitate us moving to pastures new.

Accordingly, in this scenario you would not hear from us for some time as we relocate and lick our wounds.

In the second and third scenarios not only is there the fact that we have to spend time finding a new primary source (and thus will not bother with you) but once we have them then we are focused on that person in the golden period and thus the period of time when you do not hear from us may well be extended.

There are three points to bear in mind.

The first is that where you have escaped us the initial grand hoover is more likely to happen than not but if it does not happen, it will be for the reasons detailed above.

The second is that where we have discarded you we often will still hoover you on a malign basis in order to triangulate you with our new primary source. If there is no hoover however then this is because we are engrossed in your replacement and have in effect forgotten about you.

The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.

Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,

“Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”

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124 thoughts on “Why Haven’t I Heard From The Narcissist?”

  1. HG: if exN sent an email regarding the return of property ON the date of his birthday (thus not B’day related) would you consider that a type of hoover? Or just drawing attention to himself??

  2. Understood. So hoover trigger separate from the actual hoover. Why would he ask for a ‘goodbye’ meeting, and how many goobye speils can there be? I’ve had them before but thought that ‘this’ time would be the last. No new IPPS so he must be getting secondary fuel.

  3. Thanks HG, though I too am confused. Even though for over 10 yrs I was around for his birthday with gifts etc., how can my ignoring it this year act as a hoover trigger when he discarded me cruelly (name calling/triangulation/rage) just over a month ago and wanted to cut ALL ties with me? Wouldn’t he be repulsed by me at this stage of the post-discard?
    Also, how many times can he play the ‘goodbye’ meeting spiel? Your answers are so insightful, it’s almost scary.

    1. You need to distinguish between the Hoover Trigger and the HEC being met so there is a hoover.
      For 10 years you have been around for his birthday, therefore he is highly likely to think of you on his birthday – thus there is a Hoover Trigger (this does NOT mean he will hoover you).
      The fact that you were disengaged a month ago would support (in the absence of any other information) that you are painted black, you have been replaced and his fuel needs are being met. There is no malice campaign and therefore the HEC would not be met, thus no hoover.
      There is the trigger, but there is no hoover.

  4. Thank you! He tried to hoover via requesting a ‘goodbye’ meeting. I rejected it. Also, does the exN’s birthday act as a hoover trigger?? This year will be the first time ever I will not say/send any wishes or in any way acknowledge his birthday.

      1. HG, this seems inconsistent with your response to my question regarding ignoring the narc’s birthday by the shelved appliance. You said no entry into the spheres of influence, so no expectation of contact, no wounding if ignored. Here, you are saying the narc’s birthday acts as a hoover trigger. This means entering into the 6th sphere of influence. Why the contradiction?

      2. Not at all. The question here was “does the ExN’s birthday act as a Hoover Trigger” yes it does because the narcissist will think about his birthday and this means that he will expect birthday wishes etc from certain people. This was a generic question.

        Whether that means a shelved IPSS would do so, is a different question and therefore when you asked it in your context, I explained that there would not be entry into the spheres of influence, hence no HT.

    1. OH for the love of. god I have 20 or more different texts over the last 2 years that say goodbye Lori …

      Goodbye never means goodbye at least not the first 20 times

  5. HG, I would appreciate your input: post-discard I sent back a gift I previously received from exN. Would this cause him injury and result in malicious behaviour towards me? What could I expect? Was a reinstated IPPS.

    1. It would wound. It would act as a Hoover Trigger. Whether a hoover would follow depends on the Hoover Execution Criteria being met.

  6. HG: not sure whether my comment was posted. How many discards/disengagements/hoover/rinse repeat cycles can there be with a primary/former primary source? After the last (3rd) discard I ranted and cannot fathom facing another hoover/cycle. Your advice much appreciated.

      1. Thank you for answering. So despite all the hateful words/behaviour towards me the exN may keep coming back – Ugh.

  7. I have wounded him by escaping and by showing indifference, and I have also infuriated him by ‘commanding’ him how to contact me and not allowing him to control the medium.

    I have blocked him everywhere online, I’ve blocked his emails and his text messages (but not the calls – he may still humiliate himself by obeying my rules of establishing contact).

    1. Took him two weeks to call. I met with him briefly and it was a pretty boring experience. Got further confirmation of what he is and that I’m over him. I’ll probably go completely NC in due course.

  8. I keep hearing that a hoover will more than likely occur, even if it’s been quite a long length of the time the disguard has occurred.
    But what if you and the Narc leave each other by mutual agreement? Is it likely that the Narc still may return at some point in time?

    1. It depends on whether there is a Hoover Trigger and if there is, whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. The mutual agreement means there was no wounding at the point of separation, therefore that is a factor in the HEC.

      1. I don’t know if I’ve’ ever read about the HECs. Could you briefly explain or direct me to the proper article which has explanations? Thanks much!

  9. After his finale performance, I realised I was dealing with yet another sociopath. He stormed dramatically out the door,and after 3 months with no word, I decided to create my own closure, and wrote a letter, about my feelings, and that it all just wasn’t OK. Writing my own closure letter, and emailing it to him, was the smartest thing I ever could have done. I wrote it for me. I sent it to him, and that is that. I chose not to be in any kind of contact whatsoever. It’s been really hard, but once I knew what I was dealing with, my own closure seemed like a gift I had to give myself.
    Thanks so much for your articles, they have really helped me confirm this.

  10. Anouar, my ex abusive narcissist, just emailed me yesterday, because he was angry that I’d written my story on a blog. Mind you, he didn’t politely ask for anything. He simply wrote to the website, and then forwarded it to me. Other than that< ia m sure he had plenty of "supply" lined up at his work at Schipol airport (easy place to find unsuspecting girls), and through all of the young street girls he kept on the backburner while we were living together. It is disgusting to think that this man and I nearly became parents and he was behaving like a pig.

  11. Mr Tudors, if a victim escaped your brethren and they the narcissist already tried multiple hoovers to no avail then several months goes by and the narcissist tries to hoover again to only find out the victim went no contact,would they then go away and stay away?

    1. It depends on whether there was a Hoover Trigger and whether the Hoover Execution Criteria are met. The fact of no contact and a failed hoover would act to raise the hoover bar BUT there may be other factors as well which will lower it, so one has to look at the whole picture at the relevant time.

  12. WhereIsGod: They only win if we believe and act defeated. I choose to rest in the knowledge that I’m a good person and my heart is in a good place no matter what these demons say to me.

    I love this! It is exactly true. I get pissed too that they take a lovely, caring person and turn them into a shell of their former self. Like you, I will not give him that victory.

  13. Bliss, u r not insignificant in the least. But sadly, u r just an appliance, like all his other appliances. They r polygamous due to the unquenching need for fuel. It is nothing personal against u.
    Btw, i find u v cute, esp when u wrote that u have no hobbies. That sounded v cute to me.

    1. Aww.. That’s really nice! Funny you should say that, as that’s how all my friends regarded me (before the last narc). Narcs I was with were attracted to me because of my occasional silly cute personality but the most recent one wanted me to be far more sophisticated, there was absolutely no sense of humour on his part once I was hooked. I feel he shaped and moulded me until I became this person I no longer recognise. I constantly promised him that I would change for him, and I did. I really did love him and I probably would’ve stayed loyal to him forever (this he might dispute as I did try several times to escape him). But how naive, eh? Still I was devalued and eventually discarded. Hard not to take it personally but I have learnt a lot from here and I know not to (logically) take it personally. It’s still difficult knowing I was just his toaster, if lucky… most likely was one of those waffle maker that people use once then chuck in the cupboard for an eternity, forgotten. Lucky escape I guess.

      1. Bliss, try to stay strong. Yes, u r very adorable. Ur ex will not care abt it. But like u said, friends in ur personal life regard u as having a cute personality also. Stay ur cute self.

  14. Hi Bliss. I’m sooo annoyed I broke NC. I got drunk and was feeling low… One little text to him and he flew to mine in a heart beat… Fake tears, fake apologies, lies… Now he won’t leave me alone. No more drink and dial from now on! What happened in your case, Bliss?

    1. Oh no, Scout. I don’t know your story but the fact you’re here and established no contact, I hope you have been resisting since, even if he’s constantly bothering you now. If he’s anything like my MR narc, I hope you’ve re-established no contact – his fake tears,fake apologies, fake recovery from (probably fake) therapy, fake begging. My life was hell after taking him back that time, I still regret that day. I did it for the children though but he did put up a good show for months. My no contact breach this time (this is with a different narc) was pretty mild I guess, I just looked him up and couldn’t stop thinking of him but looking him up is normally my downfall, slippery slope. I suppose I should be quite proud of myself because it’s the first time I searched him up and not sent a text. I might avoid drinking for a while too. 😆 ha ha my new motto, don’t drink and dial!

      1. Hi Bliss, I’ve had a week to reflect on breaking NC. I learnt a few things about him and some more about myself… I suppose the secret is not to beat ourselves up, after all we recognise we have emotions and not all roads to recovery is smooth.
        I’m glad you re-established NC, but it must be very hard with children in the mix; I’m in awe of mothers like yourself. I believe in time we will all be walking a brighter path in life’s journey, I hope this fit NPD sufferers too.

      2. I agree Scout. No point being hard on ourselves, it’s clearly explained why we struggle to maintain no contact. For me, it seems harder but quicker each time (a bit contradictory but that’s how it feels) after each no contact when I had got back in touch with him.

        Tough with the kids but in a way they are the only wonderful things out of this whole situation. I can now see clearly how my youngest is a super empath ray of sunshine and his narc dad must sense it as he doesn’t dare get too close to my youngest. He has said that he will continue the brainwashing (I can’t use his exact words but yes he actually said it out loud to me!) but I hope they will be immuned to his narcness. Sad that it’s always the children that suffer.

    2. Scout: I have to really watch myself when I drink. So far, I have talked myself out of texting him but who knows when I might slip? I tell myself that if I still want to text him in the morning, (when I’m sober) then do it. It has worked so far.

      1. That’s a good method RS. After we split I gave up alcohol so I wouldn’t drink and dial; I’m aware it’s a weak point with me. I get invited to a party and wham! Text sent! I remember he replied in milliseconds which is ironic all the times he didn’t reply to me! Anyway, I kept him waiting… He text back and I remember laughing because it proved my point: They need US more than we need THEM. That confirmation felt very good indeed. 😀

      2. “I get invited to a party and wham! Text sent! ”

        Who needs a party to drink?! Therein lies my problem! 😜 All my inhibitions come crashing down after just one drink.

      3. he replied in milliseconds which is ironic all the times he didn’t reply to me!

        Good for you, keeping him waiting. In the beginning they respond in a second, you just know they are sitting next to their phone. Later, they take all day to answer and have a list of excuses as to why they didn’t. Yes, you are right, I too believe they need us way more than we need them.

      4. I write the text and then save as Draft. After I sleep on it, the next day I re-read, and so far I haven’t sent any.

  15. I still get the occasional email hoover from her, of the form, “I saw you today.” This is due to the fact that she lives nearby, and I would have to completely move out of the area to end these benign(?) connections. They are more annoying than upsetting. Of course, she’s sending them as a reminder of her presence, “I’m still in your head, I’m still with you.” She doesn’t phone or visit me as I believe she realises I would just send her away – narc wound! Many of the people in the local pub (we once went to together) kind of know what she is, but don’t really care. Anyway, they’re not particularly on her side…nor, of mine for that matter! Apparently, recently, whilst she was inside the pub, she had seen me walking past outside, and had remarked to one of them, to the effect, “He’s a nice guy!” Which puzzles me. Some plan at work?

      1. Hi Paul…….some of mine are in moderation too…… it’s nothing personal (thankfully)….even narcs need their sleep and dreams……if only to plot tomorrows nightmare…….Diva

      2. Paul, I’ve had comments take over a month to post. And with him so busy that he’s away from the blog for several days in a row, I imagine there are more comments having longer waits than previously.

  16. I hope it stays that way. I’ve had the first nightmare of my exnarc yesterday for almost a year and I still have the distinct feeling that he is plotting something.

  17. I escaped over three years ago and he hasn’t been in touch since (neither have I contacted him). Nevertheless, he pops up in places I sometimes go to, and occasionally contacts friends of mine. Apparently he never raises the subject of me (that to him would be losing face), but waits for me to be mentioned by them to draw information. In the past he’s popped up at places I go to, then told such friends he suspects me of stalking him. I guess this is to try and generate negative fuel.

  18. How happy i am !! 4 months without him!! i hope not come back again….but sometimes i feel worry about .. ..please..noooo……

  19. It doesnt even matter …Narcissists cant really love anybody. The new source is nothing to envy…..I’m curious as to why narcissists like the act of triangulation so damn much. They will do that mess with anybody. I’ve been pitted agains female friends, female relatives, the infamous ex who is a piece of trash until I piss him off then she was better than me. I remember once listening to him talking nice about her and I said, “you are only telling me this to make me feel jealous because youre mad, I bet she has never heard that compliment being uttered from your mouth” ….I am on to the game. For a narc, they will say any and everything to cut your soul …because you pissed them off. That pissing off can be because you questioned something and disagreed with them over the smallest thing. They start yelling at you almost immediately throwing tantrums because they think your opinion is stupid and theirs is so well rounded. You make no sense to them therefore you must shut up or feel the wrath of the demon. Then months down the line they want to remind you of that time when you yelled at them about that same thing they cut your throat off about. Projection much?! God I’m so damn sick of it all.

    1. Hi WIG, Isn’t it weird they all act in similar ways? Now I know most of the dynamics of NPD, thanks mainly to HG and other sources, it’s all triangulation and manipulation. In the end they have your back up against a very high wall and you know you’re beaten. You know they’ve ‘won’ but at a very high cost to us and themselves. We have to remind ourselves their ‘victory’ is very hollow.

      1. I refuse to look at them as winners with me being a loser in this. They only win if we believe and act defeated. I choose to rest in the knowledge that I’m a good person and my heart is in a good place no matter what these demons say to me. I have to reward myself with SELF love. One thing dealing with a narc long term. You will learn to validate and love yourself more than you ever have in your life. They will expose your inner most parts to you. What you do with all of that is really up to you. I have told this person from jump who I am. I dont get jealous of other women, I am a beautiful woman who knows my worth and fully respects the worth of other women. If you think another woman is better looking, smarter, more together, then go and be with her and let me find the man that appreciates my beauty and worth. It hurts like hell inside to have to say that…but I REFUSE to be triangulated. My other thing is, if she can take you from me, you were NEVER mine…she can have you because how she got you is how she will lose you. No loss here buddy. I’ve had it up to here. Some of them hate women with a passion and want them all to be controled and feel like shit when they “fuck up” ….FUCK YOU! Can you tell I’m still pissed lol.

  20. The third point is that you may not have been hoovered for some time but if you appear in our sphere of influence then that hoover will come. It may be months away, maybe even years, but it will come.

    Accordingly, when you ask the question, “why haven’t I heard from him?” You really ought to be asking the question,

    “Why haven’t I heard from him, yet?”

    This one is me. . . hmmm. In my head I am prepared to slam the door in his face. . . in my heart. . . . (actually, between my thighs!)

    1. RS…….I so wasn’t expecting that ending!!!!!……you never cease to amuse me one way or another…….you shouldn’t be let out!!!!! That’s what everyone says to me here…..(although not for the reasons you wrote about!!!!!) ……. Diva

      1. Diva: Thank you for the compliment! LOL A thought comes into my head, it immediately comes out of my mouth . . it’s been a life long problem. 😉

      2. Hi RS…..same here….as you know already!!!!! Although to be fair…..I tone myself down on this blog……the written evidence keeps me in check………oh and being petrified of HG helps subdue me too (have you noticed????) !!!!! Diva

      3. We would be a riot unleashed, wouldn’t we?! 😂 Petrified. . . not the word I would use. 🙃😜

      1. HG: We will have to start calling you “Father Tudor”. I can think of a few confessions myself. 😉

      2. Hey RS…..I am starting to worry that you might corrupt HG if you start confessing your sins?????……..he wouldn’t be alive long enough to listen to all of mine!!!!! Ha Ha……Diva

      3. I know……that was already accomplished a long time ago……..it’s a pity the mind is not like one of those old square computer back up discs that used to get corrupted all of the time. All you had to do to resolve the matter was reformat them and then reload the good data……..so simple…….Diva

      4. Ahahahaha! I am certain that HG has us beat by a very long mile. HIS confessions would give us ideas we would never have even pondered, let alone actually carried out!

      5. I am SO CERTAIN! Evil lurks behind that magnificent mind of his. I don’t know about you, but I only have a very tiny space filled with that in mine. Now smut is an entirely different thing! People at work are always telling me I can take any remark from someone and turn it into something sexual. Here is what I have to say about that. . . I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination. 😈 (I read that on a meme a long time ago)

      6. Scout, me too, annoyingly before I read this blog! Not sure what yours was, I just searched him up. As HG said, start again. 😕

  21. I am so pleased that I escaped during the so called Golden Period – although it wasn’t really that golden for me ……in any event I did not and have still not, received a hoover. I have no doubt that my mid range was wounded…..he had not expected my escape or my skill at no contact….(although truth be told I was a millimetre from contacting him over 1000 times.) Anyway……since finding this blog, I realise completely what I had let into my life and I have no intention of going back there. I am thankful that he did not hoover me before I started reading this blog, as I have no doubt that I would have been easy pickings. I “escaped” purely because I did not feel he was treating me very well….silent treatment……childish behaviour……nothing major…..just not what I would have expected…..I knew something was not right but I had no idea what it was….but now I do. From my own personal experience……going no contact is akin to self inflicted torture…….I think it would be beneficial to others currently going through no contact or attempting to go through no contact, to hear how other empaths actually achieved and succeeded at no contact. Your strategies HG are logical ….”just purge everything”……but even if we do that, that still does not stop most of us from resisting the no contact, because as others have pointed out, it’s the memories that are the draw. In my opinion empaths need emotional strategies as well as logical ones, because that is how we work. I think it would be helpful to know from empaths what strategies they implemented and what stopped them from making that call or sending that text during a weak moment…..and there will be many of those. One of my strategies……I listened and sang to Taylor Swifts “I almost Do.”………over and over until the feeling passed and I came to my senses………Diva

    1. Diva: “he had not expected my escape or my skill at no contact….(although truth be told I was a millimetre from contacting him over 1000 times.) ”

      That was (and sometimes still is) ME! I was thinking of that very same Taylor Swift song and when I got to the bottom of your remark and saw it, I just laughed! We both think so much alike. 😉

    2. Diva
      When I wanted to break no contact, I would stop myself by reading one of HG’s posts and that has always worked for me. Plus, another person here was flirting with no contact, if I remember correctly, and HG responded with: HG forbids it. That helps me too.

      1. He said that to me. . . it worked! Thanks HG! By the way, next to his blocked number, instead of the narcs name I put “HG FORBIDS IT”. That way if I ever even toy with the idea of texting him, that pops up. 😉

      2. Hey RS…..I didn’t know who K was talking about but when I read the word “flirting” ………I somehow knew it was YOU!!!!!!!! Diva

      3. “Smart Ass! You crack me up. I just love your sense of humor!”

        That’s good to know, because I think you are the only one that gets me!!!!!……I delete far more than I actually post……I am conscious that I might get expelled from the blog…….has that ever happened???? I hope I am not tempting fate here!!!!!!……..Diva

      4. And I post far more than I delete. . . I should take more after you! It’s nice to have a kindred soul on here. You always make me laugh.

      5. Hey RS…..it’s smart ass!!!!!! Apparently…..the trick to being smart is knowing when to play dumb……..I am truly naturally gifted!!!! Keep smiling…….laughter really is the best medicine………..Diva

      6. I forgot to add that I am the biggest flirt, especially after I’ve had a drink. I lose all my inhibitions. Heaven help the man AND me! 😜

      7. Hi K……reading this blog has definitely helped me too with the no contact……I don’t have the time to contact him even if I wanted to……I am too busy corresponding with everyone on here…..and this blog is far more interesting than he ever was……in fact I can’t even remember what I really saw in him. I have learned so much in the short time I have been here……and not just about narcs either……Diva

      8. So glad someone else has said the same thing. I find this blog far more interesting than him too. In fact I mentioned to close friends when we were still together that he bored me but I was just too hypnotised by his short bursts of charm and charisma, combined with my fascination of his emotional unavailability that I failed to recognise how he was actually a bit of a bore deep down.

        Great idea with the phone! 😆 I’ve got him down as c*** at the moment but that’s too unimaginative. Will change it to My liege forbids it.

  22. Usually I am relieved and pleased but days like today when I miss him, it just makes me feel down knowing I am too insignificant for him to even bother to hoover unless we cross paths. He’s done all the hoover and now it’s over for a significant amount of time. He has far too many sources, I’m just not required. Ridiculous that I’m feeling upset over it. In such a short period of time he’s significantly damaged me so it’s going to take me ages to be myself again. I’m guessing he will miraculously be back again the very day I finally recover.

    1. Hi Bliss……I hope for your sake that you are correct……that he won’t hoover you until you recover. Your post resonated with me because I remember feeling just as you do now. Keep reading and find other sources of amusement or distraction and time will heal you and all of these memories will fade. When I was in this phase……and we have all been there……if I couldn’t be bothered to even do something nice for myself, I got myself out and did something kind for someone else. It made all the difference. I remember one day, I went and visited a neighbour, she was in her mid 70s and was not well and had little or no family of her own. I went in there so miserable but came away having one of my best laughs ever. I used to work for a man that could not read, he could not write and he could barely string a sentence together because he had a speech impediment, but he was a self made man and extremely wealthy against all of the odds……..his words of wisdom to me (and it was not narc related) ……but I think of them often……..were…….”its only a problem if YOU let it become one.” These words apply to most problems………..and this problem is completely within your control…….even though it appears to be out of control to you……it really is all about perspective. Just keep reminding yourself that you are not insignificant and you deserve better than this………….Diva

      1. “Very wise man and advice. Thanks for sharing.”

        Hey Yolo…….last time I looked I was a woman……. but I curse like a man. I don’t know if that reply was for me but it really made me laugh……that serves me right for asking HG if he had gone through gender reassignment!!!!!! Do I have mannish traits as well as narc ones?????…….I am not sure if I am ready for the answers to this question……the truth often hurts!!!!!! If you are reading this RS…….I know you will be laughing too………I am just away now for a quick check and a shave!!!!!!…….Diva

      2. If you are reading this RS…….I know you will be laughing too………I am just away now for a quick check and a shave!!!!!!

        😂 Tears in my eyes laughing! Silly girl! . . . look in the mirror, I think you missed a spot!

    2. Wow, Diva, talk about complete change in perspective. I was feeling so down as was hit with a wave of nostalgia and vividly remembered his face, his smile, frown, disdain(!). I just missed him so much. Broke no contact by searching him up but thankfully no further. I am going to heed your advice because not only are people getting what they desperately need, but acts of kindness and generosity is probably the road to recovery for an empath so it makes complete sense. Win-win. Being selfless, kind and generous is more fulfilling to me than winning the lottery, I used to tell narc I was married to that I’d donate 90% of my lottery winning to people who need them, much to his disgust! I have noticed that since being entangled with the most recent narc, I have become really selfish, self-centred, I’ve somehow adopted a lot of his traits, I’m never satisfied, nothing is ever enough, it’s odd but I am just not myself anymore and tend to focus so much on myself (which I dislike) because I am hurting so very much, like he’s ripped out my heart and soul and replaced it with his own dark, depressed soul. He’s made me feel useless, ugly, rejected, just not good enough.

      Thanks for responding, was still feeling rather down today but I’m going to pick myself up and keep going, plenty of distractions and acts of kindness! 😊

      1. Hi Bliss I often refrain from responding to individuals personal dilemmas on this blog but sometimes, someone writes something that puts you right back there yourself, so in some of those cases I respond. I was so pleased with your response back to me……and I agree with everything that you wrote. HG will always tell us to use logical thinking to address our narc issues……and he is correct there is no doubt about that……but as you state, (and I have said it myself), empaths need more than purely logical thinking on their “road to recovery.” As bizarre as it sounds (in my opinion) 100% logical thinking will never be 100% logical to a true empath…….our emotions will always get in the way….we can only try to lessen the degree to which this happens or channel those emotions elsewhere….preferably away from a narc. I don’t think it is possible just to eliminate it……HG has as much hope of rewiring our brains, as we would have trying to rewire his. Finally you will never be quite the same as you used to be before you met the narc, but you can get back to someone that resembles the real person that you are……..provided you stay no contact!!!!! Good luck……Diva

      2. 100% logical thinking will never be 100% logical to a true empath…….our emotions will always get in the way….

        THAT is 100% TRUE! Well said, Diva. 👏

      3. Thank you Diva. Words of wisdom that I don’t get anywhere else except here. I have been blamed because two failed relationship in a row… gone horribly wrong, surely it was all my fault, my more honest friends have told me. So it’s only here I read about others in the same situation who understand. Most who are ignorant of narcissism and psychopathy blame me and fail to realise I was ripe for the picking by another narc – greater who knew that my ex was also a narc just like him. He once told me how he looks out for vulnerable victims (for his IPSS, not for his IPPs), can’t believe I just ignored that red flag! I guess I’ve never been “in love” and didn’t think I was at all vulnerable to our entanglement progressing at lightning speed.

        We should all make a deal with HG that we will be more logical if he agrees to switch on more of his emotions. Though suspect his lack of morals, boundaries and protection of his inner sanctum will mean us getting tricked somehow! 😄

      4. Hi Bliss…….I can’t make any deals with HG……..he is a God……(apparently)…….I only make deals with the devil…….or so it would seem!!!!!!……..Diva

    3. Just remind yourself you don’t miss him, you miss who you wanted him to be. I got an email link to a song from him last night & it made me sad and almost broke NC but then this morning I reminded myself that it’s not because he loves me and truly misses me it’s because he is manipulative and my going no contact disrupts his sense of power and control. It can be very lonely as no one understands. Keep up hope in healing.

      1. “Just remind yourself you don’t miss him, you miss who you wanted him to be”

        Very helpful to read this, thank you!

      2. You’re welcome..I often have to say it to myself!! First comes knowing, then acceptance, and hopefully peace…I’m still in the knowing & Understanding phase & trying my hardest to stay out of his sphere of influence!!

    4. Hi bliss. I feel exactly as you said . . . I’m not worthwhile. I’m lonely. I’m shy of talking to any men cuz I lost faith in my judgement. I, too, was damaged in a very short period of time. If u weren’t physically assaulted, thank ur lucky stars because I was. I feel grief stricken and despondent. Now that it has been a couple of months, how are you doing????

  23. HG, I keep getting hoovers ( a newsletter once a year at Christmas) and month- after-my -birthday bullshit belated birthday greetings ( via email) from the widow of a cousin of mine who moved on with her life 20 years ago and seems to need( mid ranger, by the way) to pop in with these hoovers despite the fact that I have not responded to any of them in years. Why would a narc persist in these hoovers if there is never a response on my part? A newsletter, granted, is little work because everyone gets the same content. But these little Look How Wonderful Life With New Hubby Is And By The Way We Just Got back From A Month in France emails take effort. Why would a narc bother only to maybe get a little thought fuel? And how do I get rid of her? No contact seems to be failing.

    1. There is evidently a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria is being met because it is easy just to fire off a newsletter and an e-mail. It takes little effort, there is little risk of wounding and there are no obstacles. Whilst there is some effort in compiling the e-mail, it is not significant and of course there is little effort involved in sending it. Can you change e-mail address?

      1. It would disrupt my life more than I could endure. What I can do is throw away her newsletter unopened, block her emails and if one of those malign emails sneaks through on a mobile device along with some numerous junk emails on how to extend an erection I can simply delete it without reading the content. I should have never read any of her content. My bad. Love your work, HG. Thanks for your response.

      2. Couldn’t this be just ordinary friendship from an older person who is looking back at her life and lightly engaging some casual contact with her past? As one grows older there is sometimes this kind of interest.

  24. My ex disappeared on me in December. I didn’t have closure and had lots of questions about why he did it. I tried my best to move on. Then in July, he comes back again saying he made a big mistake and wants to give us a try again. We go out for a few times then he disappeared on me again. I’m assuming I’ve been discarded again.

    1. Nett: mine used to do that to me all the time. It’s what they ALL do. Ignore him next time. (he will be back. . . they always come back)

  25. I was just reading this and I got an e mail from her. Can someone give me some advise as I just got an abbusive e mail calling me names and telling me my sons not doing well. A little back ground. I haven’t paid child support in 3 months as I lost my job last time I went back and things got really crazy and I was completely screwed up by the whole thing. I did send her an e mail explaining my financial situation and of course just got a bunch of abuse about being selfish. Should I respond to this e mail or just ignore it?

    1. Ignore it Gareth, assuming she is a narcissist, it is provocation. If she is not, it may be an emotive response based on the circumstances (she needs money and your child is ‘not doing well’) and therefore there is little point inflaming the situation. One would need more information as a whole to determine whether she is a narcissist or not.

      1. Thank you for getting back to me on that. Based on your writings I’m pretty much convinced that she is. For a long time I thought she had a drinking problem but after reading through many of your writings it becomes clearer and clearer. It’s been a great help although pretty painful at the same time even though I knew inside my relationship was extremely toxic. So thank you once again.

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