The Narcissist’s U-Turn

 

THE NARCISSISTANDU-TURNS

 

Contradictions. About turns. Doing one thing and meaning another. Those are staple ingredients in becoming entangled with our type. Of course the Lesser and the Mid-Range of our kind do not see the contradictions. To them, their behaviour makes absolute sense even though when it is viewed from your perspective there is a clear contradiction in what has been said or done. This naturally frustrates, upsets and infuriates you as you attempt to make us see that you are correct and we are not. Or to make us see that we have behaved in a contradictory or hypocritical fashion. You will not succeed. The Lesser or the Mid-Range does not do this deliberately, it is just how they are. The Lesser reacts. The Mid-Range realises that denying and deflecting what you are trying to get him to see causes more upset and frustration and that makes him feel good. He does not know why this is, he does not know the concept of fuel, but he knows the more you react the better he feels. He also knows that he does not like to be held to account or to be seen to be the one who is to blame, for anything, thus he will not accept any suggestion of contradictory behaviour because it is inherent with such an accusation that there is blame attached. The Greater knows that to twist, to turn, to shift and to alter allows the emotional responses to flow and to become heightened. He knows that what he does is viewed as contradictory but he will not accept it. He must portray control and superiority at all times otherwise he will find himself damned. He revels in switching from one position to the other, within moments and then seeing if you dare to point out this shift in stance. Should you do so, he will deny and deflect in order to frustrate you, to upset you and to alarm you.

The use of volte faces is part of the process of gas lighting also. An insidious and effective method of controlling you, eroding your sense of perspective and forcing you ever backwards until ultimately you know nothing other than our warped truth, yours having been dispelled some time ago. Making you a stranger to your own reason is evidence both of our power and our abusive behaviour. Thus the use of contradictory behaviour, the volte face, is prevalent when we commence the devaluation. Here are five you may know well.

  1. The Joy Has Gone

We once showed such enthusiasm for Indian cuisine and would often try to find the latest and most exciting restaurant for us to both go to. It might have been the zealous delight we exhibited at the prospect of going hill-walking with you, or discussing the latest production at the local theatre. You loved how we connected over these shared interests. Of course it was all mirroring. We love what you love. Now there is no need to do it anymore. We care little for Indian cuisine but since you loved it so much, we decided to do so as well. Hill walking is tedious. The only thing we liked was being on top of the world. As for the theatre, if we have to sit through another obscure play we will explode. Still it was worth making you think we loved all those things as it made you easier to bind to us. Keep listing everything you think we have in common and I will pick that list down to nothing.

  1. The Compliments End

I embedded you as the supply of my positive fuel and you functioned well so you earned those further compliments. Now there is no need to provide them. Oh I am aware that you look even better than you did when we first met, that you are trying hard to tease the compliments for me in order to try to stave off that nagging fear that you are losing me, but it is to no avail. I know you are trying your best to please me, accommodate what I want but all I now look at is someone who irritates me. You see, if I had loved you like someone healthy, I would not feel like this now, but because I never did, there is nothing to prevent the feeling of contempt and annoyance which washes over me each time I see you. But where are the compliments? Somebody else has them now.

  1. A Sudden Realisation

Do you know something, I love my ex. I do. You have made me realise this. I thought I did not know what love was until I met you (I vaguely remember saying something like this to you some time ago) but come to think of it, I knew all along and it is my ex that I love. Not you. Thanks for the distraction whilst I worked things out. What? I said she was abusive and a psycho? No I did not. There you are, you have just proved to me why I cannot love someone like you. Good bye.

  1. But You Thought I Hated That

Why have I gone to that classical concert when I said to you that I could not stand classical music. I don’t recall saying that. Stop trying to tell me what I like and do not like. You are so controlling. I have always enjoyed reading books, where on earth did you get the idea from that I did not. Yes, I love strawberries, they are delicious and I love eating them, I never told you I was allergic to them. Stop making things up. You need some help. You keep twisting things around and I don’t like. it There you are. That is something I hate. What you do.

  1. The Sudden Complaints

Must we really go to your parents this weekend? So what if I have never complained about it before? That doesn’t matter. I am doing so now because I want to isolate you from them. I suspect they do not like me and I am not going to let them put ideas in your head, so they have gone on the black list and I will now issue complaints about seeing them in order to drive a wedge between you and them. The more isolated you become the better. I will start to complain regularly in order to stop you doing things and in order to upset you. That is the way I operate now. Don’t you dare complain about it.

17 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s U-Turn

  1. Just Me says:

    The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. Decades together and the only compliments received were for my cooking, conditioned me to become a damn good cook. Dared me to challenge him. Punished me if I did. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as I began this article, finished with disgust and anger pulsing through me. Fuel that was once his.

  2. Diva says:

    “The Mid-Range realises that denying and deflecting what you are trying to get him to see causes more upset and frustration and that makes him feel good. He does not know why this is, he does not know the concept of fuel, but he knows the more you react the better he feels. He also knows that he does not like to be held to account or to be seen to be the one who is to blame, for anything, thus he will not accept any suggestion of contradictory behaviour because it is inherent with such an accusation that there is blame attached.”

    I don’t think you could sum up a midrange any better than this other than the addition of the words “silent treatment.” The lesser and the midrange narcs are fairly easy to suss out now that we know the red flags……the greaters are the problem as they are not as clear-cut……but as they are limited in supply they will hopefully be less of an issue for many of us.

    I recall pointing out a valid criticism, in a very low key manner to my midrange narc……he just refused to take it on board in any shape or form…….he just said something like “well that’s not going to change, there is nothing I can do about that.” I simply said “That’s fine”…..(which all women know = that is not fine)…..there was plenty he could have done about it……….I did not even bother attempting to change his mind or argue the point, as I knew that anyone with that kind of attitude would not be lasting too much longer with me…….then the silent treatment cranked up……so I ignored his silent treatment and that was pretty much the start of the end……..Diva

    1. Jenna says:

      If i criticized him, he would withdraw, or say ‘i don’t care’, or say ‘it is what it is.’

      Usually, he would not let his wounding show. Sometimes, he would let it show by criticizing me back. This was more rare though.
      And after replying to the criticism, he would lay on the sugar eg. ‘Did u eat my sweety? Pls have something to eat’ (he knows i don’t eat much). U need energy. Let me see a smile’ etc.

  3. ava101 says:

    As always – as if you had captured the most absurd and bewildering moments of my life ….. esp. Nr. 3 ….

  4. gabbanzobean says:

    In the beginning my narc and I had phone calls that lasted for hours, several times a week. He “claimed” he loved hearing my voice, my laugh and talking to me on the phone.

    Later on the phone calls became less and less and then non existent. He gave so many excuses. I am busy. I am depressed. I am withdrawn. I am feeling down today. Oh but it has nothing to do with you. My feelings for you have not changed. I just feel this way at times, these are just my “blue days”. But I will get through it.

    Then it was “our phone calls are over”.
    Me: Why?
    Him: Because I am removing your dependency from me. You are too dependent on my phone calls.
    Me: No I am not. I enjoy talking with you but I am not dependent.
    Him: Yes you are. We always have these phone calls on the same days at the same time.
    Me: Well yeah that’s because it’s what works with our schedules.
    Him: No, it is expected. You expect it. And so do I. I expected it for awhile. I can’t expect it anymore. I am not doing this anymore. I am destroying your need for my presence in your life with these phone calls.
    Me: So you’re never going to talk to me on the phone ever again?
    Him: No I did not say that but the frequency is going to stop, the pre-arranged days and times are going to stop.

    (the phone calls all stopped and he would ignore me for weeks). Then we’d start talking on the phone again. The hour long calls became so short. 10 minutes. 5 minutes. One time we talked for an hour and I made the mistake of pointing it out and commenting how great it was. Shocked as hell at how much time had passed, he abruptly said he needed to go. LOL.

    Fast forward to now where I know what he is….

    Him: “I hate talking on the phone. I never call anyone. Ever.”
    Me: But you have so many friends….you used to call me.
    Him: No I don’t, it is an illusion (yes he said illusion WTF?)….then “it may seem like that but I don’t. I am lonely and not close with anyone.”

    (Pity party or realization of what he is?)

    I can go on and on. Has anyone else had to hear shit like this? Contradictory shit? Troubled soul I am so depressed woe is me shit? But yeah that contradictory shit. I doubt he hates phone calls from his new DLS. For now anyway.

    1. Ajo says:

      Girl, you had yourself a midrangers. Pity party to the max. Woe is me. Gag. Yes. Mine was totally a victim especially after the golden period. He sucked me dry.

      1. gabbanzobean says:

        Also, I forgot to mention that in the entire process during this ordeal he communicated this information to me in the most polite and charming way possible. There were no insults, no put downs, no nasty fury or any of that. Always Mr Nice Guy.

        1. Ajo says:

          Yes. Mine always played Mr. Nice guy too. He was AMAZING at apologizing. If I caught him in something suspicious he would play a victim and apologize all over himself about how he was just so embarrassed by his behavior. He loved playing the “embarrassed” card. He would even admit to letting his insecurities get the best of him and even said he struggled with wanting other women’s approval because his mom was emotionally absent in childhood (I now suspect he was regurgitating what he heard from his therapist during his split with his ex after his affairs).
          He never put me down either. I suspect he knew he couldn’t as I wouldn’t put up with that. I know he did put down his ex’s who are far more insecure about their looks and such as I am. I’m quite confident, just a sucker for victims. Mine oozed compliments of how awesome I was and how I deserved better and that’s why he needed to “let me go” so that he could become the man I deserve. What a crock of crap. He was seducing someone that whole time. His demons came out once I found out about her and compiled the evidence and confronted him and reached out to her. Now I am in his eyes a lunatic.
          Not all narcs will put you down. Silent treatments and pity are a favorite of the midrange. But they will turn on you if you threaten to get in the way of their current IPPS. That’s when the mask comes off!!

    2. narc affair says:

      Hi gabbs…wow this is very similiar to my situation except my narc has not cut my dependency on him. Hes always tried to maintain it. He has changed up other areas of our relationship and claimed “nothings changed” which i now know is him cycling me along with his other sources but he still is there for me as much as he ever has. I can feel your pain in your post from what he did to you which is a form of ghosting. It sounds like he had another source and no longer wanted your fuel and the upkeep of it but in true narc fashion popped up when he felt the need. All his excuses for slowing down contact were just that…excuses to get out of investing time with you. His admittance of your dependance on him was what he had helped create and then made it look like it was your issue alone. His dependance was no longer there probably due to a new fuel source. Its very hurtful to be used and discarded in this way. You deserve way better!

    3. pasdedeuy says:

      Don’t you think that you are contradictory as well?

    4. Peekay says:

      These words are almost verbatim to the ones my nard said to me about his constant texting morning, noon and night. He told me I relied on them and they were no longer realistic. It’s as if his words were the same words you quote here. It’s truly eerie how similar they all are.

    5. Jenna says:

      I relate to u.
      He used to text me for hrs. A yr later, he said he hates texting.
      He also said he feels uncomfortable when i say i love him, because he feels like he is not free. Note: he used to say he “loves me more” during golden period.
      Now he says he is lonely and not close w anyone.
      Verbatim.

      1. gabbanzobean says:

        Star, Jenna, Peekay, Ajo, Narc Affair, I am just going to reply to all of you here about the points you have raised…

        Jenna…mine banished usage of the term “I love you” to me. early on he said it all the time and then it disappeared. He replaced it with “I care for you” or “I care about you”. Once in awhile he resurrected it. It was so unbelievable hurtful to me. I told him so and he apologized that I was hurt and said that my love for him was unhealthy. He then said (polite as hell)…”I would like for you to stop telling me you love me. If you respect me you will stop saying it. I cannot hear it anymore, I just cannot”. And he is always lonely. Always. It is why he watches porn so much. (so he says)

        Peekay, same here! So creepy. In the beginning, mine said to me “My name is ____, I love you and I am damn real!” Okay I get the “I love you” but why tell me that you are real? HG says it is “the desire to be taken seriously”….so weird.

        Ajo, mine was so complimentary too. Never insulting at all. He often said “I am the nicest guy you’ll ever meet”…..it’s no wonder he uses silence treatments and then backs it up with I am busy, I am depressed. Pity pity pity. He was depressed because he can’t be faithful to his wife. He apologized all the time too but I doubt he ever meant it.

        Star, yes it was all mind numbing. I thought I did something but then it was always “oh darling….(yes he used the term darling)….it is not you….it really is not….”

        Narc Affair, yes. Ghosted by a ghost. What new fuel source I wonder. He told me that he was never leaving his wife. That they were going to try and have another baby (they have 1 kid already). So I guess she is his source yet again. When he stopped telling me he loved me (and asked me to stop saying it to him), he would repeatedly say “I love my wife” over and over to me. “I will never leave her. Ever. I will die first”. then “I am so depressed that I cannot be faithful to her….wah wah wah wah….”

        Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

    6. Star says:

      gabbazobean:Lol no you are not alone in this. I had heard this shit. Crazy making. Insanity, mind numbing…

  5. ajo says:

    Yet another totally relatable post. Holy cow. I remember the Midranger was annoyed in the beginning that I didn’t have the “typical” interests of his past IPPS’s. He has a bag of tricks and they didn’t work on nor impress me. He did figure me out though and it worked. It was strange to see him lose even his own long term interests as time passed. They then renewed once he got his new IPPS and a surge of energy and “happiness” in his life.

    HG, question… I was brought fully into the Narcs life. I was introduced to his family and his closest friends. His sister and I became quite close. However, it seems that I was the first and possibly the last to get these introductions. The gf before and the current gf were not embedded in his life and are in a way kept a bit of a secret. He goes out in public with them and introduces them to his less close, disposable friends but has excuses to why they don’t meet his family. Why would this be? The girlfriends before me were shocked that I got to meet and be a part of everything I was a part of. Could this be that he was more “serious” about me? The only arena I was not brought into was his new job…which is where he met his current IPPS. Do narcs plan to keep us out of certain parts of their life because they know they might want to secure an IPPS there? Or they know deep down they don’t want a real future with that person so why expose themselves as a guy who goes through women like bubble gum? It fascinates me.

  6. Kim Michaud says:

    my narc was the master of contradictions your too fat I like round woman your ugly I like natural simple woman I don’t want to date a Muslim cover yourself your a disgrace to your family I know your a good person deep inside my family loves you it was a mistake to invite you to my home I can never share my thoughts with anyone but you your nobody to me meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me why did god bring a fake person like you into my life even his name is a contradiction his first name translated into English means gift of god his last name means the monster

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Contradiction.
      100% manipulation.
      To keep us doing the limbo.
      Then high jump. Mind games.

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