Obsessed

obsessed

 

I want you to be happy. I am so in love with you. You are everything that I have ever wanted, you are like a dream come true, my soul mate, my other half, you complete me. You have no idea just what you do to me. I just want to love you like nobody else ever has. Yes, I am obsessed with you. I want to merge with you and become one. I am not just obsessed with you but with everything about you and most of all your happiness. I just want to ensure that someone as brilliant as you, someone as wonderful as you, someone as marvellous as you is made to feel special. You deserve that. I know. I know something, or rather somebody has hurt you before. I know you do not want to talk about it. That is absolutely fine. You do not have to talk about it with me. You see, I can tell. I have a sixth sense if you will for knowing about these things. It is just the way I am and let me tell you that you should feel no shame for that. You should not be upset that you have been hurt because I am going to put an end to the hurt. I am always going to look after you, help you, hold you and comfort you. No matter what the world throws at us, throws at you, I will be by your side. I want to keep all the malice and bad things in this world away from someone as special and as perfect as you. I regard that as my calling. I was sent to look after you. It is true. It was not just chance that brought you and me together, not at all. I was sent to make you happy. It has been decided that what happened in the past will stay in the past and instead I have come to bring you happiness, great glorious golden happiness. I will not rest in my desire to see you happy at all times. When you are happy, I am happy. My happiness is conditional on yours, that is just the way I am. No matter what happens, I will not give up on you. I will ensure that everything is great again. I give you my word. I am totally committed to achieving your happiness. I will do anything in the world to see you smile, to see your eyes light up and to know that you feel wonderful. You are an amazing person and you, more than anyone else in the world, deserves happiness. I know how to provide it you and if that means that you think that I am obsessed with achieving it then so be it, but it is a noble aim. It is a good and laudable endeavour to ensure your happiness. I will aim each and every day, without hesitation, without reluctance and without restraint to deliver this for you. I want to do this for you, I want to do this for us. You are the most important person in the world to me. You have made me feel so special being with me and I always want that feeling to continue, now and forever. I want to give that to you in return for all the scintillating things you give to me. I am truly blessed to have coupled with you and no matter how difficult things might become, no matter how hard others may make it I will not shirk from achieving your complete and utter happiness. I was born to do this. I am utterly beholden to you and your happiness. This is my obsession. You are my obsession. I am obsessed with you.

A period of time passes.

 

You want me to be happy. You are so in love with me. I am everything that you have ever wanted, I am like a dream come true, your soul mate, your other half, I complete you. I have every idea just what I do to you. You just want to love me like nobody else ever has. Yes, you are obsessed with me. You want to merge with me and become one. You are not just obsessed with me but with everything about me and most of all my happiness. You just want to ensure that someone as brilliant as me, someone as wonderful as me, someone as marvellous as me, is made to feel special. I deserve that. You know. You know something, or rather somebody has hurt me before. You know I do not want to talk about it. That is absolutely fine. I will not have to talk about it with you. You can tell. You have a sixth sense if you will for knowing about these things. It is just the way you are and you tell me that I should feel no shame for that. I should not be upset that I have been hurt because you are going to put an end to the hurt. You will always look after me, help me, hold me and comfort me. No matter what the world throws at us, throws at me, you will be by my side. You want to keep all the malice and bad things in this world away from someone as special and as perfect as me. You regard that as your calling. You were sent to look after me. It is true. It was not just chance that brought you and me together, not at all. You were sent to make me happy. It has been decided that what happened in the past will stay in the past and instead you have come to bring me happiness, great glorious golden happiness. You will not rest in your desire to see me happy at all times. When I am happy, you are happy. Your happiness is conditional on mine, that is just the way you are. No matter what happens, you will not give up on me. You will ensure that everything is great again. You give me your word. You are  totally committed to achieving my happiness. You will do anything in the world to see me smile, to see my eyes light up and to know that I feel wonderful. I am an amazing person and I, more than anyone else in the world, deserves happiness. You know how to provide it me and if that means that I think that you are obsessed with achieving it then so be it, but it is a noble aim. It is a good and laudable endeavour to ensure my happiness. You will aim each and every day, without hesitation, without reluctance and without restraint to deliver this for me. You want to do this for me, you want to do this for us. I am the most important person in the world to you. I have made you feel so special being with you and you always want that feeling to continue, now and forever. You want to give that to me in return for all the scintillating things I give to me. You are truly blessed to have coupled with me and no matter how difficult things might become, no matter how hard others may make it you will not shirk from achieving my complete and utter happiness. You were born to do this. You are utterly beholden to me and my happiness. This is your obsession. I am your obsession. You are obsessed with me.

Think I am the only one who engages in mirroring?

Think again.

57 thoughts on “Obsessed

  1. Lou says:

    Looked like

  2. Lou says:

    I was cleaning my emails and somehow I got here again. Do you know a young actress named Gabriella Wilde, HG? For some reason, that is how I imagine the 17 year old Amanda looked?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I know of her, I do not know her personally. You are not too far out actually.

      1. Lou Skywalker says:

        I did not know about Gabriella Wilde until some days ago, when I saw a film called Endless Love (oh the irony). The film is crap and I watched it forwarding most of the scenes. But as soon as I saw her, I thought of your Amanda. Specially when I saw her thin wrists.

  3. Diva says:

    Hmmmmm………if there was ever a question that I would have wanted to ask you HG, it would have been “why am I narc fodder?” You have now answered it…..clearly……word for word……within this article. I am still not sure how my acts of defiance work into the mix but somehow (unfortunately) they have not been a deal breaker. It is obvious that I am going to have to change…….but how do you change who you are???Thank you for the clarification….you have solved one problem, but in doing so, you have made me aware of several more!!!!!!……Diva

  4. ajo says:

    Uhh.. That was weird. Your obsession shares my name. And I am tall, thin and blonde.
    I’m not a Brit though…. All American… Plus hockey isn’t my gig. Basketball all the way.

  5. sunniva says:

    What? No, we don’t ¨mirror¨ in the same way you do. This is all about perspectives again. When you mirror me there is actually something there to mirror. When I have fallen in love with your illusion there is actually nothing there to mirror back other then a projected version of me.

    1. Loulou says:

      Ok I read the Amanda blogs and I am kind of having a hard time believing the story with the ‘Wuthering Heights’ quotes. A lot o f us here love that book and adore Heathcliff and it seems that you might be playing in our empath feelings because we would want a situation like between you and Amanda applied to us. That heathcliff quote is something we would all want to hear as well. Are you pulling our legs? Also. You never slept with her. I have a feeling that if you did she would not be so pure and angelic anymore. I reckon devaluation or shelving would take place immediately. There is no woman that can take the place of the narc’s mother and if there is it is probably not a sexual romantic relationship.

  6. Bibi says:

    Normally I would get on you for no paragraph breaks because my eyes are hurting, but the large sweep in language as a single wave, followed by the change to 2nd person is effective.

    Having said that, H.G, do you have any articles about how we the victims go out of our way to snag the narcissist’s attention? As they devalue and pull away, we up our game. Like, the victim of a somatic might be posting more sexy online selfies to gain likes from strangers so the narcissist pays attention or the victim of a cerebral might do some intellectual posing herself, quoting Heidegger and Schopenhauer the like.

    The reason I ask is because when I was being devalued I went to great lengths to whore myself for attention–practically behaving like a narc myself–anything to get his notice.

    I am sad because I made the err of seeing his current source’s FB page, laced with lots of narcy-skanky photos, and they are still together, 3 yrs later. In God’s name…how has he, the serial cheater and attention whore, not dumped her?

    I hate that I still think about him. And I never even dated him. I can only imagine the pain if I had.

  7. Patricia J says:

    A Miirror is painted BLACK on the backside.

  8. Merripen says:

    You have crossed over into poetry with this piece, HG. And it pleases my artist’s eye. I love the visualness of its construction, how even the content morphs to that fulcrum tipping, then slips to the other side of the mirror. Very nice.

  9. gabbanzobean says:

    “You are obsessed with me!!! With the idea of “us”….it has to stop…”

    “You know I used to be obsessed with you. I was. I’ve come a long way because I’m not anymore…”

    I lost count of the back and forth I’ve heard from him on this.

  10. context says:

    (I already send it before, but … ? So again:)

    Bravo!

  11. Loulou says:

    Who is Amanda? What about her made you obsessed?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Please see earlier answers in the thread LouLou.

  12. C★ says:

    They are obsessed with me, (unknowingly to me) until I become obsessed with them.

  13. Debs says:

    Whoah!! Pointed out i see.
    This is more or less word for word what i was told for 4-5 months…… then sentence by sentence it changed to version 2 mirrored underneath.

    So very accurate, frighteningly so .

  14. Nikki says:

    Sometimes these give me chills and bring a tear or two….

  15. CC says:

    You’re so cute. 🙂 (the way you write)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you CC, I am many things but cute isnt one of them!

      1. cc says:

        Oh, it’s enough that I got a reply. I agree with you. They DID let you down. Jkjk.

  16. KittyHasClaws says:

    Question=you had a meme the other day saying all exes look the same cuz they’re all just fuel supplies. But have you had an obsession with one or two women in your lifetime? Like a narcs version of “the one who got away” or can’t get but desperately want to, do then you check up on them often to see if the hoover criteria is met or not? Or is it that if you can’t ensnare them then you just lie to yourself that you didn’t really want the that person anyway.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The only person I have had such an obsession about is Amanda.

      1. 12345 says:

        HG, is this the Amanda you refer to in Hounded By Love?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No 12345 it is not.

          1. 12345 says:

            Where can we read about it?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Voice of an Angel and Angel of My Creation. There are references in other blog articles but they are more subtle and it is more rewarding for the reader to discover that for themselves than me point to them also.

          3. 12345 says:

            Thank you😘

          4. 12345 says:

            HG, are you able to easily remember the names of each of your blog entries? It seems like you can. I guess it’s that way for authors. Their books are their children and they remember their names.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Yes.

      2. C★ says:

        HG….Can you describe her physically and other characteristics please?(Amanda)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Already written about elsewhere C Star.

      3. Have you ever had a malicious obsession post-disengagement? To clarify, I don’t mean a malicious hoover, but a real obsession?

        I’m pretty sure you’ve written a post about those kinds of Narcissists before, and I’m certain you’re not one of them (I can’t recall the term you used for that kind), but can Narcissists that otherwise aren’t like that become that way time to time?

        Does my question even make sense? : )

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes I have had a malicious obsession.

      4. KittyHasClaws says:

        I dunno who Amanda is but thanks for answering regardless.

      5. Lou says:

        Amanda, the one deserving to be loved. Or the one worthy of love. Very interesting name choice. I wonder if you did it on purpose.

      6. KittyHasClaws says:

        BTW you deflecting the question is not lost on me, I just give up trying to get answers from someone who likes to circle jerk others. It is fascinating, however, that on a blog you’re trying to make money off of, you don’t point to a blog post that answers the question at hand nor further explanation of who Amanda is and/or what your brethren does if the object of obsession is unattainable. Pointless, really. But I’ll play along & seem to amazed at your smoke in mirrors tactic like I’m an amateur. Oooo smoke!! Prettyyyyyy! *slow unamused clap*

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It wasn’t deflection. If you put in ‘Amanda’ in the search facility, several articles appear and one can ascertain their relevance from those handful of articles. You can help yourself find things here as well you know! As to what happens if that individual is unattainable, your question didn’t appear (to me at least) to be framed as asking about my brethren but rather specifically with regard to me. The articles and also comments I have often made concerning Amanda here address that. If you are unaware of such, please do say, but where possible I hope that people have read and taken notice so it saves me time in repeating it and if you havent, do speak up.

      7. C★ says:

        do you mean in “Voice of an Angel”, HG? (amanda)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Correct.

      8. Jenna says:

        Amanda has never been ur ipps. If she had, u wud devalue her too.

  17. narc affair says:

    I dont think it is mirroring in a lot of cases but more brainwashing and stockholm syndrome.
    I do love to see my narc happy but not at my expense. Thru all the devaluments im falling in love with me and becoming more obsessed with my well being, future and happiness. True its hard to let go and i wouldnt want to hurt him despite how hes hurt me on and off but in my situation im not obsessed. Once upon a time i was this person but not anymore. I know what he is and i know most of its a facade but it doesnt erase the fact we do share certain parts of our life and i go into that knowing what im dealing with and not romanticizing it. My focus isnt 100% on the narc its on myself, my family and my future. I wont discard my narc but i also know i wont walk off into the sunset with him either. I love and care for him unconditionally but im protecting myself as well. I know hes a narcissist and my days of obsessing are over. The only obsessing is my concern over my well being and issues with codependancy on him.

  18. Sandra says:

    Apt summary.

    Any normal, and an empath especially, would recognize the initial investment of dazzling love behavior and reciprocate. That’s the trap.

    Presented as a fair exchange but in fact, an utterly warped and exploitative hidden agenda.

  19. Twilight says:

    On a hot summers night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?

    Yes….

    I am on a Meat Loaf kick today…..

    Any how, our very first lessons in life is mirroring.
    Why would this change….

    1. narc affair says:

      Woohoo love me some meatloaf 😄 2 out of 3 aint bad 🤗

      1. Twilight says:

        Narc Affair

        Ohhhh Yaaaaa!!!!!

        My obsession today!!!!!

        Bat out of Hell

  20. Mona says:

    That is true. I am just mirroring his nastiness right now. Should he ever look at me again- by accident – he will look at himself.

  21. Insatiable Learner says:

    Brilliant writing!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  22. 12345 says:

    Yes, we do the same thing. I thought that was how I could keep him and his “love”. I was proving my allegiance and loyalty. I was supposed to be his safe harbor from all the worlds pain and suffering. I’ll do anything for you, just ask. If you don’t ask then I will project what I need onto you hoping you would somehow see that what I was giving you was actually what I needed.

    I thought I was dealing with a normal. But, I’ve never wanted a normal. Normal’s aren’t dangerous and they don’t repeat the cycle of drama I grew up with. It’s the perfect storm…the narc magnet desperate for the narc so that I can prove that someone who can’t love will love me.

    1. Merripen says:

      12345, Your words are like drug-speak. Just reading them makes the craving nibble at me from the edges inward. ugh!

      1. 12345 says:

        Sorry. I don’t mean for them to. It’s just my thoughts about it. I definitely don’t want to make others crave this shit.

        1. Merripen says:

          12345,
          Haha! It’s okay! I kinda liked it in a weird way. It made me feel something different than the craptastic miasma of other emotions that had been crashing into me these seven months. Your thoughts, your words synched with my own sensibilities and that’s pretty cool, too. The craving soon passed, so no worries.

    2. IJ says:

      12345 yes, I so relate to this. I’m actually in a healthy relationship now (even though N just popped back in recently! Surprise!) and he’s amazing but I feel like I don’t deserve him and it sometimes feels off or boring, because there is no drama and “on edge” and anxiety! I’m so messed up….

      1. Merripen says:

        IJ, I know exactly what you mean about missing the “on edge”. If only it were possible to conjure up the otherworldly feelings the narc gave us, for one who truly deserves to be worshipped.

      2. Youdontownme says:

        Hi IJ. I have to learn to love myself again. I, too, miss the feelings . . . But missing those feelings is passing quicker than I thought . . . Life was never a dull moment with my ex . . . I have an addictive personality . . . he does, too. So like vampires we would feed off each other. Once in a Hoover to ensnare me once again, he told me I was his drug. We couldnt get enough of each other. His addiction seemed stronger because I got tired of the drama first. And exhausted by his constant insults and attacts on my character. Then the desperate physical attacks, all in the form of sexual assault, in his vane attempts to control me. I had enough. I have several emotional relationships with male friends, which drove him crazy by the way. Cuz I wouldn’t give them up. They provided good fuel for me and rage fuel for him. But I didn’t know it at the time.

        After I discarded him because we both needed more fuel to sustain the relationship, he hoovered a great deal.
        The discard came months before I discovered this site. Thus, without HG’s brilliant insight into NPD and sharing it with us, I was playing a game of chess constantly with the ex, ping pong, back and forth, back and forth. I would miss him and the drama, but he missed me, too, but in a different way I am starting to understand . . . Fuel. He needed me more than I needed him.

        I could have it all back with one phone call. But it escalated to violence. It progresses to that . . . why lovers kill each other I suspect. The only way it truly ends is when one or both die. I still fantasize about him every day, but I have to stop it. And it is getting less. I journal about all the bad things that happened which outway any good when the fantasy thinking comes.

        I think my mind and my body’s desires were on high alert constantly and I just got accustomed to it. I adjusted to it. But very unhealthy for my body, mind and soul.

        I’ll take dull. Consistent. Compassion. Communication now.

  23. thepianist20 says:

    Never thought narcissists are THAT evil!

    😣😡

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