Poll – After disengagement, what were you left thinking?


When the narcissist (or narcissists if it happened with more than one person) disengaged  from you, what were you left thinking? Were you caught up in bewildering questions of hurt and betrayal, utterly at a loss as to what has happened? Were you desperate for recognition of the misery that you were experiencing? Perhaps you wanted to lash out and attack the narcissist in some way or were you worrying that the person who had taken your place was going to succeed where you had so evidently failed?

What were the dominant thoughts which governed (or perhaps still govern) your thinking following your disengagement? You can choose as many as are applicable and do so before pressing vote. Do add you further observations and thoughts in the comment section.

Thank you for participating.


After disengagement by the narcissist, which of these comments resonate with you?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...

102 thoughts on “Poll – After disengagement, what were you left thinking?

  1. Nic says:

    I was unable to choose an automated response. My situation with a narc was so rare – or at least it appears from all the reading I’ve done – that I can’t quite nonchalantly choose one. I was the other woman to a married narc. Let me rephrase: I was one of 3 other women to a married narc. 3 women, 1 wife, 4 phones. Amazing at the golden era – but his victims tend to be on the less than adequate side academically. (Not saying that this is the case for all narcs.) His ability to smear and/or Hoover are so limited and put him at such a risk for overexposure. The goal is to come out looking like the “good” one, the “desirable” one. He placed himself in a situation where the potential for my exposure of who and what he is, is quite the predicament that he cannot control – as I am single and would never be viewed as the type of person to wrap myself up in such a ludicrous situation, smearing is difficult and again – he places himself at risk for exposure to his multiple sources. I anticipate the day of explosion. Obviously, I was dealing with a lesser narcissist that underestimated my ability to play the game. So, the thoughts, questions, wonderings I have been left with are exactly this: as the lesser narcissist that he is, at what point will this drive you to expose who you are or at what point have I won. Because, honestly, the new source is of no threat to me and jealousy is non existent because golden era or not, once you’ve reached the point of no return, and the narcissist is at a point of disgusting the victim – there’s a lack of needing any closure….why would you need closer from someone that isn’t capable of being your equal?

  2. Sandra says:

    Brutal story. My heart goes out to you and your daughter 🙁

  3. KMR says:

    The first few times, all of the thoughts went through my mind. He is a Greater narcissist. It took a lot of time and knowledge to realize what was happening.

    Once I decided that enough was enough, I had to leave. In the beginning, I relate to many of your other posts and these thoughts. After 3 years of an ongoing custody battle and a divorce that was granted at trial, I have few of these thoughts. I used to want everyone to know what the narcissist has done and still do, but I know that is not going to happen. People find out the truth on their own.

    I do wonder about things working out with him and his new wife…they were officially married yesterday. I don’t want him back, but I want to know if he treats her the same. I want to know if he picks on her over the same things he has picked on me for so many years. I know he does over laundry, because my little girl has told me a few things he has done to her.

    I used to want revenge, but I saw that trying to do anything only resulted in more arguing and stress. I don’t care for revenge now. I just want for my child and myself to be at peace on our time.

    Most of all, I just want the narcissist to leave me alone. He uses the court system to get to me. He was filed in contempt for not paying our financial settlement on our property. He entered a plea of not guilty, but he never paid me anything. So, it is an attempt to drag this on and make things harder on us. I know he enjoys this, but I just want it done and to be left alone.

    His wife is a flying monkey, by the way. Her husband had died right before I left. He had her moved in very quickly. I just hope my daughter is okay. She is the one person on Earth that I care about. He has abused her in every way, and by using his money…he has gotten out of every single investigation. The psych evaluator believes he abused my daughter in a sadistic manner, just to get to me. The narc’s wealth has given him a strong upper hand. I have had to fight to prove myself. He hasn’t had to prove himself at all. I’ve had to take polygraph tests, go through interrogation, have things continually thrown in my face that weren’t true, but he has had everyone fooled. What now? The judge is getting ready to finalize custody, but he won’t, yet. What could he be waiting on? He seems very smart and has taken his time to watch our behavior. I am sick of it. My finances are stripped and I’m tired. I am not fighting anymore. I just want him to do what he was ordered to do and move on. I know…it won’t happen until one of us is dead.

    1. Stacy Nichols says:

      I am so sorry for you and your daughter!

  4. ACO says:

    At some point, with different people over the yesrs, I have experienced all of these things. The things that most remain with my last monster are those I marked, and to a lesser extent perhaps, some deep intermittent anger. As she began scapegoating me and pretending to be a victim of ME, I decided to just play along and say things publicly that reflected poorly on me – but actually applied to her. Instead of being utterly defeated this time, I purposely helped her seem “right” about me. And eventually, I announced what I had done for her. The “power” she had all along had actually been mostly mine. A donation to her smearing effort! And then, I was able to let go.

  5. Peaceful says:

    My answers to the Poll were for every one of the many, many disengagements my Nex bestowed upon me for no reason leaving me utterly bewildered, distraught, confused, annihilated. With huge gratitude to HG here, I connected the dots and escaped. Perhaps leaving my narc wondering the same??? Who knows… and who cares… And yes, HG is very much a huge part of the narc abuse recovery culture here Stateside. Weaponizing us, as HG would say, every day with new insights and explanations of the mindfuckery we endured. HG’s books, Blog posts, Videos, Little Acons, are amazing tools to enlighten the victim. My consultation really set it all straight for me 🙂 With every post I read, I feel more and more validated.
    Keep it coming HG. I sincerely hope you feel genuinely good about your work. You are working miracles for those who are ready.
    PS: someone suggested a book of Little Acons… Great idea!!! 🙂

  6. ;peace out says:

    i said to him, there are so many Satan-pimps in the world.

    i have Satan fatigue

  7. liu.liu@web.de says:

    I just wish ‘my narc’ would try to reflect more on his own behavior and find a way to connect to his true self. He is chasing illusions and devalues and discards after the initial high goes off I assume. What I could have given him would have been able to help him, but his fear of emotional intimacy prevented that, also he couldn’t handle any critisism. He seduces and discards young girls whom he makes emotionally dependant on him to receive his fuel and admiration, once they are all enchanted. I was older, married, he was my affair. It is his loss he discarded me, I am sure he knows this. I don’t want revenge, I feel hurt but I basically just pity him for living such an empty life. He is detached from his true inner core, which all narcs are, and full of shame and insecurity. I saw this, but he couln’t handle the truth. I understood his true feelings better than he did I believe. He just couldn’t access ‘himself’ and he couldn’t handle when he realized I saw and cared for his true broken self and didn’t believe his facade. I think I hurt him actually, which I regret. But now he enchanted a new 20 year old (he is 54) and he seems all high on fresh fuel. I see him in the gym sometimes. We talk friendly but I don’t let him hoover me any more. I am done giving him any authentic deep thoughts and emotions, because I lost hope that he can ever find value in that. He just wants fuel, positive as in admiration of his false self or negative by creating hope in me and then breaking my trust. I am just done with that and I feel sorry for him. I believe his true self is very sensitive, hence the Need to create the false self. I am sorry that he was somehow turned into a narcissist by life. What a tragic loss of what I believe was once a beautiful little human soul.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

The Rules of Ex Club – No. 24

Next article