Warning Letter


“Dear Victim.

Well here we are again. Or rather, here I am again. I referred to we because as I mentioned in my first letter to you, I do not really distinguish between you and all the others, so what is about to happen next seems to me as if it has happened with you, numerous times before. What is going to happen is something that I have done so many times before with so many other victims so one thing to keep at the forefront of your mind is that you are not alone in being subjected to what will come next.

It has been amazing so far hasn’t it? I told you I would love you like nobody else ever has and I delivered. Okay, I was actually loving your praise, love, admiration and adoration of me, but to you it felt like I loved you in a way which went beyond anything you had ever experienced before. That certainly kept you happy. You told me every day how happy you were. You told your friends, your family, your colleagues, the man at the hot dog stand, in fact anybody who would listen. I enjoyed watching you do that. It made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. Here I was able to make you tell the world about our perfect love and goodness me have you loved me perfectly. You told me every day just how much you loved me. You cared for me, looked after me and helped me in so many ways. From letting me use your car when I crashed mine to scratching my back as I lay in bed at night ready to sleep. Of course it was not all one way. I gave you everything I could. I only did it though, to get your fuel. I give to receive. I do not know any other way. You sometimes told me about your love for me being without condition. I didn’t understand what you meant. No, that is wrong. I understood what you meant but I struggled to imagine doing this. I love you with so many conditions, the chief one being that I only actually love you for the fuel that you give me. Not for who you are. It will take you a long time to understand this and even longer to accept that this is the case. This is why I am writing this letter so that you can keep reading and re-reading it in order to allow it to sink in. After all, nobody else is going to be able to tell you how it really is will they? Anyway, it has been brilliant so far. Ordinarily I would claim that that is all down to me, after all am I not brilliant? It is a fact however that you more than played your part. You gave me absolutely everything. Your heart, your soul and you poured every essence of your being in to the concept of us. I know you did this because I could see you doing it. I had to because I needed that in order to sustain me. The more you gave, the more brilliant I became, so you gave even more in return. It was an upwards spiral. Two people working in magnificent harmony. You because you believed in us. Me because I needed your fuel. Not that you ever realised this. Why would you? I became the perfect partner, complimenting you, praising you and loving you in that oh so spectacular way. It was intense, it was scintillating and I made sure I became everything that you would want from a relationship. It was a great deal for us both. I made you feel ultra-special. You gave me the ultra fuel that I need. Does it matter that what I provided to you was based on something else? I would say not, you still got what you wanted didn’t you? I should imagine you would argue that it did matter because you truly believed that I loved you for who you are and that should be the case. I can understand why you would think like that. You are big on this love thing aren’t you? That is why I picked you of course, that and many other reasons as well, but that played a big part. I wonder though; if nothing altered, if I kept treating you the same way forever as I have done so far, even though it is predicated on a completely different basis to the one you think it is, would that trouble you? You wouldn’t know of course. All you would know is that I continuing to give you the apparent love you crave, in the manner that you have come to expect and in a fashion that makes you feel so special. I don’t suppose you would be particularly upset if that remained the case would you? The thing is though, that isn’t going to happen. Yes, you read that correctly. What has happened so far, marvellous as it is, is effectively at an end. Oh, you will be allowed some glimpses of the person you thought I was, from time to time, in order to keep you with me, but to all intents and purposes this golden period of unparalleled love has come to an end. You won’t realise this because first of all you just cannot accept that something so wonderful could end in this manner. Second of all you will not realise because of what I am going to do. I am going to confuse you, bewilder you and befuddle you. I am going to make everything hazy, amorphous, nebulous, blurred and indistinct so you are not going to understand what is going on.

Why am I going to do this? Well something has changed. I would usually explain, if I ever felt that an explanation should be given (and I operate from the stance that I owe you no explanations because I am unaccountable) that as usual it is your fault. You have let me down. I do believe that to be the case. I wish it was not. I wish this wonderful period could have continued for the rest of our days together but it cannot. What once invigorated me and made me feel powerful just does not do so in the same way anymore. Don’t think you are alone in this happening. You are not. All the others let me down as well. It is as if you are not trying any longer. It is as if you have become bored with my brilliance and you see no reason to admire me and adore me in the way that you once did. That wounds me. Your actions or perhaps more accurately, your lack of actions makes me feel less than what I am. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel worthless and this infuriates me. I know that others have said to me in the past that nothing has changed in the way that they feel about me, that they love me just as much as they always have done. Yet even though they tell me this it does not feel like that anymore to me. The power I felt when you showed me that love and admiration is either no longer there or not as strong. I cannot help it. That is the way that I feel. Since I have not changed in the way that I regard you, I can only reach the conclusion that this alteration in how I feel has been brought about as a consequence of you. Something in the way you act towards me has altered. You perhaps are not giving enough of yourself to me, you are not manifesting the love, the admiration and the adoration in the way that powers me. It might be that sometimes it feels stale to me, that has happened, perhaps it is because you have become too familiar to me and therefore I do not derive the same reaction that I once did to the way you have behaved. I know that this has been suggested to me but I do not know if it is right. For so long you behaved the same way towards me, loving me in that wonderful way and it did not feel stale or jaded. I think, more likely, it is because you have begun to treat me differently. You are not performing at the level that I require and therefore to me this means you no longer regard me in the same light and this offends me. I feel criticised by this behaviour of yours and therefore I have to protect myself. You see, I do not like criticism. In fact, I hate it and therefore I need to act promptly to defend myself against this criticism. That is why I have to do what comes next. I had hoped this would not happen. I had hoped that you would be The One so this could be avoided. I had hoped you would not let me down, that I had made the right choices and decisions so that our golden reign could continue forever. I guess I got it wrong, although it is not something I would ever openly admit, I do not want to be seen as wrong because that suggests weakness and that is the last thing I want you to think I am. So, here I am again, about to protect myself from your implied criticism. Anybody else would say sorry for what is about to happen, but as you will soon find out, I do not do apologies. I am sorry for myself that it has come to this of course. I am full of self-pity when the need arises. So, that is the end of the golden period we had. I must do what I have done so many times before and bring the hurt. I will stop now as I have some planning to do, but I will write again. You might want to put your tin hat on and buckle up. This is where it turns nasty.


Yours in disappointed fury

N. Arc


76 thoughts on “Warning Letter

  1. Lisa says:

    This is my first time commenting on a post. I’ve been reading every day for many months and I’m beyond grateful for all the knowledge I’ve obtained from HG as well as all of you fellow survivors.
    I felt as if this post was written specifically for my experience with the seemingly unforgettable Greater with whom I was deeply entangled last year. Although it made me cry to read this, it also made me feel even more empowered and determined to continue no contact. It’s been a year since the brutal discard and I’ve managed to ignore any hover attempts. (all random texts- usually just on holidays)
    Thank you HG for helping me emerge from the fog.
    I’ve decided I would really benefit from a private consultation.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Lisa and welcome, I look forward to consulting with you.

  2. Diva says:

    “You have let me down. Don’t think you are alone in this happening. You are not. All the others let me down as well.”

    It’s a sad statement to make, but I too feel that this is my own case. So much so, I am usually waiting for it to happen…..people letting you down..…it’s not really a case of “if,” but “when” and “to what degree.” To me it is just life……some let downs you can forgive……and others you cannot. If I were to banish everyone from my life that had let me down in some shape or form, then there would be no one in it. I too have let myself down!!!!! Forgive (if it is forgivable) but don’t forget!!!!!!!…….Diva

  3. SuperXena says:

    “Does it matter that what I provided to you was based on something else? I would say not, you still got what you wanted didn’t you? I should imagine you would argue that it did matter because you truly believed that I loved you for who you are and that should be the case. ”
    Yes, it matters: Believing and feeling are two different things: Even though the mirroring and the learned emotional responses and the mimicking of the feeling of love…were perfect and thus to be believed , I could always sense ( even in the Golden Period) the void,the emptiness when delivering these learned emotional responses.I always felt something was missing. I felt they were not real: lacking the essential element of love: feeling!
    That was absolutely the first red flag that I could not understand then mainly because of ignorance: I did not know then that such “entities” /effective units existed that could mimic with great accuracy the feeling of love. Now I know.

    “Since I have not changed in the way that I regard you, I can only reach the conclusion that this alteration in how I feel has been brought about as a consequence of you. Something in the way you act towards me has altered…..
    ….” I know that this has been suggested to me but I do not know if it is right. For so long you behaved the same way towards me, loving me in that wonderful way and it did not feel stale or jaded. I think, more likely, it is because you have begun to treat me differently. ”

    Very true..and it comes as a consequence of the first observation: I felt that the faked/ learned feelings of love ( although excellently performed by me ex) were missing something I could not put the finger on then ( due to lack of knowledge) so very true:the “feelings ” I believed I had for him started to be weaker and vanish and revealed to me as what they were: just a belief of me loving him.My responses to him started to change: the way I acted towards him altered.
    So…it is the Narcissist that perhaps does not realise that even the learned emotional responses( the fake of love) are not enough for some to stay?
    In my case I have wondered if I sensed this void /emptiness from the beginning because of:
    1. I had not been in any abusive relationship before either as a child( I had two loving parents) or in an intimate relationship( I was married to a normal- empath man many , many years before meeting my ex narc) .So I know what true,real love feels like: both to be real loved and to feel real love for someone.
    2. The “type” of empath I am
    Or a combination of both.
    Why did I then got into a relationship with a Narcissist? It was of pure ignorance ( not knowing the existence of these effective units) and naivety…of believing that there is always some good in people…

    1. SuperXena says:

      *…typo* ..Why did I then GET into a relationship with….”

    2. SuperXena says:

      ..I hope my last comment is not taken as a criticism..it is not meant to be one. I am just giving a perspective ,my perspective from the other side of the fence. Based on my own story and looking at it now in retrospective.
      In short words: even if the belief of loving the narcissist is felt/taken as real love, in order for it to subsist with the same or more intensity as enriching,giving , blooming and developing ( as real love would be) it has to be mutual,bilateral otherwise is doomed to die persisting perhaps just a feeling of addiction,which is not healthy.

      Real love is mutual not unilateral it is healthy not destructive. There might be different opinions,arguments but in a healthy relationship they are dealt with at a completely different level…
      According to me..of course.

  4. thepianist20 says:

    Either way, thank you for posting this article, Mr. HG Tudor

    I already have the answer after reading this

  5. MyTrueSelf says:

    I find this letter not so much about ‘mirroring’ but about ‘projecting’.
    It is assumed that we feel what you think we should feel, perhaps you feel those things when put into our situation.
    But we don’t feel like that!
    Perhaps that sounds familiar!
    I have no double the narcissist and the non don’t use the same human devices to process external input. But Im realising the information passes through an entirely different filter.
    The issue of writing a letter to my narcissist is something I’ve decided not to do, after almost a year of deliberation and numerous attempts.
    I feel this way because I would be writing the letter from the perspective of my reality. He would be reading it from the perspective of his. He would interpret my sentiments in an entirely different way from how they were ment.
    My ex and I dont sharing a common ground for understanding each other.

    I cannot relate to the sentiments of HG’s letter no more than my ex would be able to relate to mine.

  6. Erin says:

    It would be really lovely to read or hear your views on Narcissistic parents; I know you brushed on the topic with “The Stepford devaluation”, but I would like you to consider writing more specifically on the issue, please, even just with a purely speculative attitude. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Please see Keeping It In The Family.

  7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I don’t value feelings, love, sex, dick that many people can have – it’s not special.

  8. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    My ex narcs love and sex were so cheap he would hand it to everyone and anyone…

    Now tell me …

    What is so fuxking special about you… your feelings, your dick…. if you whore it around – so many people if not everyone could have it.

    I’m into things that are one of a kind.

  9. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    That moment you realize thay anyone would do…

    That moment you realize how cheap their love, sex…or anything is that they gave you…

    That moment you realize there is nothing special about them….

    That moment you realize

    That moment it sinks in that I was just convenient, a hole, income, possibly a beard, and made him look good… is pretty wow,

    That moment you more than cognitively realize that the relationship had absolutely no depth at all at any point.

    That moment you realize that it didn’t matter how much better than the others and the narc you are…it all didn’t matter and they never realized just how great you were – hell a prostitute would suffice.

    That moment you realize you let someone manage down your expectations to the point that there were like none left…

    That moment you realize you aren’t getting a single need met – that once in a blue moon they will throw you a nugget and you will be so starved for anything that you will feel like that pathetic excuse of a nugget would be enough to satisfy any need at all…

    That moment you finally realize or face the fear looming in the back of your mind that it makes no difference – it has no real impact on the person whether you stay or go… so one day you wake up and you go.

    1. Kim michaud says:


  10. Patricia J says:

    Best yet!

  11. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    wait wait – I have another excellent example of how unbelievably annoying and nasty my ex was – in true mid ranger style this is what happened….

    The narc and I met at work (just so everyone understands). I was Hoping to get a job at this organization and this other chick got it who I knew. I was clearly like bummed out I didn’t get it and wanted to tell my boyfriend….

    Me: I’m so pissed off and just upset in general right now – they gave (Insert female name) the job!

    Narc: good for her… she was great she really deserved it…

    Me: well what about me?

    Narc: you’re friends with her (I was just friendly with her) – you should be happy for her!

  12. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    What I found amusing the other day was when I was speaking to a psychopathic client about narcissists and touched upon personal experience – how everything was a fight and how many insults can you take in an hour span….

    It was amazing to see the look of utter disgust on his face. For the record he wasn’t disgusted with me but the narcissist…

  13. PhoenixRising says:

    You are right. Mr. Narc will not allow himself to ever be held accountable for anything, and the only apologies he dare gives are non-apologies. I’m sure you’re familiar with the sort; they’re the “I’m sorry you feel that way” variety. It hurts to read the truth. It hurts to know that though I loved him to my very core- it wasn’t enough, will never be enough, and doesn’t matter because his love was entirely fake. It finally hit home yesterday that he completely preyed upon me. I can see the whole set-up and follow through so clearly that it makes me sick. Onward and upward…

  14. T. says:

    I haven’t forgotten about you, Mr magnificent, extremely wonderful, handsome buttercup, sugar lemon drop. I can spend a lifetime listening to u , the way u speak kisses my gspot,. Your attitude feels good to me, discard, devalue delete me , ghost me, Hoover me, stalk me choke me slap me pull my hair, I don’t say I’m sorry but I apologize greatly for those emotions , and thoughts, baby don’t entertain them thoghts, clearly you are the greatest, you feel so good to me, discipline me if you like, teach me how to please you. Words can’t express right now . I’m always thinking of u. I have a surprise for you, I have so much feul for u , unlimited feul. The source I found was right on time , this is unbelievable but true. The ball is in your court.

  15. cc says:

    Wow. Nice. 🙂

  16. Kim Michaud says:

    it’s down to me the way she talks when she’s spoken to down to me the change has come she’s under my thumb………….today was not a good day and reading this really hurt when the hell will I ever get over this sonofabitch perhaps if I stopped stalking his profile and didn’t find out he’s now seeking younger girls he’s such a goddamned loser why the hell can’t I get it through my head

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      He needs to keep going younger – who would date him in an appropriate age bracket? Lmao

      Men that date extremely younger women look pathetic to me – screams pathetic

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      My ex was 9 years older than me – he’s 39 fucking girls in their early 20s because those are the only ones who think they have shit to offer – lots of these women have daddy issues and plenty wake up later because they grow out of the narc

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Those that may wake up do not do so because they grow out of the narcissist.

      2. Yolo says:

        Daddy issues, no offense but were you in 20’s when you dated him?

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I’m thinking about what you said and I understand why you said it. I believe we can all grow out of people not just narcs. I think you are right that people ultimately wake up for many other reasons but if you are in a relationship with an older man because you are so young it’s a big deal he has his own place and a stable job in many ways – but as you grow up – mature – you notice you are outgrowing the person you are with – they seem to be stuck at an age that is unacceptable and you realize they don’t have much to offer you. This doesn’t apply to you at all – more the mid rangers and the lessers.

        I think a huge part is that they wake up for many reasons however I have seen women who were younger who have dated older narcs and this includes myself who woke up and moved on for a combination of reasons – but a factor in the equation was they were maturing and expected more out of a man financially and what not.

        For example: I was 24 when I met my ex mid range narc. The fact that he had a stable respectable job and paid his own bills and had a place seemed like wow he is an adult. As I got older … he lived in a basement apartment – and at times didn’t have basic things a functioning individual would have in his apartment or should have in general… and i realized wow he’s in his late 30s lives in a basement apartment – has a job that pays fairly well yet he was living like a 21 year old. Things like that – I mean I could go on but you understand what I mean.

        So in conclusion after reading what you wrote – I mostly agree but I do believe some people grow out of people – again this doesn’t apply to greatest AT ALL.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I was 25 and he was 34 – I originally thought he was younger ….

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        NO daddy issues here …

        He didn’t take on any kind of dominant or like daddy parent like role….

        He was immature

      6. He was going for women in their early 20s, because women in their early 20s look hot.

    3. Erin says:

      Block him, so you don’t see his profile. Block his number and any other means of contacting him (or being contacted). He’s probably aware you are and posting stuff to hurt you on purpose…Just block him, stay on your own for a while; avoid people who know him (if you can) or avoid ANY reference about him. If the third party mentions him, change the topic and show no interest in it, talking instead of something that makes you happy, like plans you have for the future etc (the narc will try to find out if a response was obtained, because if you got upset that’s fuel. Let the message be “She doesn’t care, really. She’s happy/content” that will piss him off). He will probably try to send hoovers, but disregard them at all costs.
      Finally, allow yourself to grieve the loss of time, effort and hopes. cry to your heart’s content, sleep as long as you wish, and treat yourself as you would do with someone who has been deathly ill for a long time and needs to recuperate. POST NONE OF THIS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
      Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, and then go out into the world….Start something new: pick up oil paining, poetry, scuba diving, or any other thing you’ve always wanted to try. Go on holiday, make new friends…At the beginning it might feel forced, but after a while you will realise you haven’t thought about him all day, then it will be weeks, months and then years. He will probably try to hoover as soon as he hears how happy you are, and that is when you need to realise you had the emotional equivalent of lung cancer and he was the cigarette: a bad, deadly habit you finally liberated yourself from. Ignore the cigarette and breathe in fresh air.
      In short: it gets better.
      Take care

      1. Kim michaud says:

        Thank u for u r reply good advice

      2. Sasha says:

        I agree with Erin- it absolutely gets better. Complete detachement is possible. And wonderful. Annie- your line about not seeing him until your are detached which means you “may” never see him is worrisome. HG states emphatically and repeatedly the NC is permanent and necessary- lest one has unavoidable reasons to meet (children, narc being familial, shared business/property as examples). Keeping the “may” as a possibility keeps you attached and vulnerable. Finding a skilled and compassionate psychotherapist who has experience with cluster B survivors is also not only helpful but in fact necessary for unearthing and processing your role in engagement, thus assisting the emotional moving onward and moving towards greater self actualization which, in conjunction with the knowledge armour bestowed upon us by HG, mitigates the factors which lead to being drawn in. Use the experience of the trauma for growth. When you do reach the place of detachement you will no longer have the desire to break NC.

  17. Merripen says:

    This is brilliantly written. I actually enjoyed the slightly lower-key style, too, HG. Calmer, resigned, weary

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  18. K says:

    It is starting to really sink in now. He was a ghost, he only wanted my fuel, I am an appliance and I am irrelevant. Cognitive dissonance is still a bit of a struggle.

    1. context says:

      Don’t be afraid, K, beautiful soul! You are not an appliance and for sure you are not irrelevant! Stay ‘here’, grounded, you are strong, don’t choose(!) to dissonate (for what?! 😉 🙂 ) !

      1. K says:

        Hello context
        Thank you for your kind words! I am trying to realize the truth of what my relationship was with my ex. An illusion. I will stay ‘here’ grounded, and thank you for reminding me that I am not an appliance or irrelevant. You, too, are a beautiful soul! Your comment made me smile and I will go to bed happy tonight!

    2. gabbanzobean says:

      I think I shared here that I am studying his behavior for shits and giggles. He has been ghosting me for about a week now. Will not answer my calls or texts. He has disappeared off the face of the earth and social media for weeks. But yes….definitely a ghost. I have plans to meet him for dinner next month and I am counting on him not showing up at the rate this silence is going. This will be my first time seeing him face to face after coming here to read. I could have sworn I saw the black eyes for a moment the last time I was intimate with him but the memory is a blur. I want to study him now. It is sickening but that is where I am at. At this point I do not even know what will be the better outcome. Him not showing or him showing up and me asking those “flush out the Narc” questions, seeing him flirt with the wait staff again and the possibility of him trying to seduce me (although he said “WE CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN” lol)….I want to see those black eyes again. I want more proof.

      Yeah I am messed up but that is where I am at. Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Piano Recital at Church.

      1. narseeker says:

        Hi GB, I have been “away” from actively participating for a while. But I’m reading here everyday.
        I feel compelled to write to you, immediately and share my experience with you in the hope to deter you from “studying his behavior for shits and giggles”.
        The sentence “WE CAN NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN” triggered me because I got it as well (around the time a 6 month painful silent treatment had halted). Only to be informed (after a couple of meetings further) : “You know, I think I WILL have sex with you after all” (“Hallelujah!!!!”)..
        Studying his behavior? That was ME. I told myself that, and I really meant it because research is my passion, my profession and my art. I was convinced that the second time around would be interesting, a case study of sorts, that I had figured him out (It was before I knew HG’s blog, but still, I thought I had some insights). During that second time around my eyes were fairly open, I laughed (and kept it to myself) at his behaviors, gaslighting, provocations, etc.

        The discard and the silent treatment (a year and a half, still counting) was even more brutal and inhumane than the first one. It left me broken and hurt (despite all my “wit”, sense of humor, and accomplished research on the narc).
        I am begging you, from the bottom of my heart, not to do it. Not again. Yes, research is important, and there is much to be understood (e.g. brain studies, etc.) but there is NOTHING further to understand about this Piano Man of yours that is not already explained in HG’s writings. It’s all there!!: in HG’s articles and books. Piano Guy won’t contribute anything further to your understanding.
        You sound intelligent, confident, adventurous, please don’t let him ruin you.

      2. Annie says:

        Gbean, I agree with Narseeker. The only science experiments that provide any real data are those conducted using impartial, detached approaches. You have to be able to see all the data, even the aspects that don’t make sense, and include those in your assessment. The unexpected is where the real discovery is. It is impossible to collect quality data if you are not detached and trying to maneuver the outcome to get what you want – this may happen subconsciously and you may not even be aware. I had a similar situation to Narseeker, he begged me to come to this work event, I traveled a long distance, we hooked up for some dreadful nookie (he of course was quite pleased), he cruelly commented and left after he was finished (a true WTF moment), and then he actively avoided me and through some character assassination in for good measure. I was not detached, and although I read here all the time, I was still shocked by his behavior. And it hurt me more than I care to admit. And despite experiencing that nasty side of him, I still have not been able to kick him as a habit. Some ridiculous psychological warfare going on in my head! The kicker is he still contacts me, sometimes very sweetly, sometimes he says some abusive things when he doesn’t get what he wants. I take those WTF moments to HG, and he patiently explains them and we make fun of the mid-range cerebral pussy, which helps. But I will not see him again (he is far away) until I am completely detached, and that means I may never see him again. I really have all the data to draw the correct conclusions, and you do, too. Would your questions about his childhood be met with truths or lies, and how could you tell? How could you use that data in a meaningful way? I am smitten with Narc Angel’s approach, and strive for her level of detachment…invite him knowing he is not going to show, don’t show, and when he contacts you with some excuse, tell him that you missed it, too, and tell him all about the fabulous adventure you had that made you miss it. And oh well, maybe some other time. I bet that would drive him mad, and however difficult it would be to do that, trust in our experiences and HG’s tales – it will feel so much better than starting from day 1. Good luck, and whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up about your final choice. Be kind to yourself. We are not built like those pussy mid-rangers (thank God!). You deserve so much more.

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Jenna, Yolo, Narc Seeker, Narc Affair….anyone else I missed, I figured I would reply to you all here….
          The logistics of the trip have already been planned and I am going through with it. Right now I am in the middle of a silent treatment that has lasted about a week. So we shall see what happens. It does still hurt but I am going through with it as twisted and disgusting as it sounds.

          My apologies for the “we are never having sex again” trigger. A big part of this is me wanting to expose his contradictory fuckery and throw it back in his face. Yeah I know it will likely not do anything. I go back and forth with the desire to study him and the desire to wound him terribly. I still want to F his brains out too but the primary feelings are research and potential wounding. It goes back and forth in a whirlwind.

          1. Jenna says:

            Gabs, stay safe sweety. Pls be cautious.

      3. Fiona says:

        Mine was “maybe we should have sex one last time now that there are no feelings between us” to “no i can’t do this again” to “maybe one last time” etc etc….now it seems he’s gotten over it and won’t propose it anymore. I’ve angered him enough 😉

      4. Yolo says:

         “At this point I do not even know what will be the better outcome.”

        No contact will be the better outcome. There are worser outcomes when the DLS continues to pursue the narc and he’s cornered.

        The most recent the DLS revealed she was pregnant and the guy killed her for fear of being exposed. Be careful..

    3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      K – I know the feeling…

    4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      You are to irrelevant – they are irrelevant. Their love is cheap and they are cheap whores.

      They are so basic and lack the perception to see how amazing we are.

      Here is an example of something funny –

      I got my ex some fancy delux toaster – because he didn’t own a toaster and wanted one lol…

      I made sure to get this awesome over the top toaster – he asked for this like old fashioned shit and I thought – lets do him one better … and it will serve even more functions – functions he would appreciate

      He bitched about the superior toaster…

      1. Jenna says:

        K, u r very relevant, and i can honestly say that whenever i see ur anonymous gravatar, there is something abt it that glows.

        Doc, i just can’t believe this abt the toaster!

      2. K says:

        Jenna, you are a sweetheart! Thank you! It does glow a bit. My daughter made that pic (with stickers) and it reminded me of how I feel, so I thought it would make a great gravatar.

        1. Jenna says:

          K, ur daughter has a nice artistic sense. Well done.

    5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      I know that feeling so well – but then I remember how beneath me he is – and how i basically performed an act of charity by dating and fucking him.

      1. K says:

        Dr. Q PsyD
        It is difficult to accept because I have been irrelevant my whole life (my parents were narcs). We are cheap and replaceable in their eyes.

        Nothing is ever good enough for them. They will find fault with anything, whether it is deluxe/fancy/or regular. They are just not wired to see that we are amazing, they are wired to collect fuel.

        Just for the record: I think everyone on this blog is amazing.

    6. Fiona says:

      A huge struggle until this week for me. I now see him for what he is, thank god.

  19. Windstorm2 says:

    Based on my own narc experience, we don’t keep treating you like you’re perfect, wonderful and brilliant because you just can’t maintain the facade. You let cracks show. We see your feet of clay. You may think you remain your brilliant, scintillating self giving us everything we want, but you don’t. You fail us. The difference between us, though, is since we really loved you, we still do love you -faults and all, for who you really are. But you just can’t accept that. Deep down you just can’t accept reality.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      As I’ve said before before ….

      I stopped giving when I got nothing in return…

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I only mattered when I was fucking him.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      I remember I used to go above and beyond and after a few months in …. getting nothing… and him just taking … but taking advantage of me where it would have a negative impact on me…. I stopped giving…

      Then things just became increasingly worse.

      It made me shut down and turned me off more and more…

      He never motivated me to want to make him happy! When someone behaves like an inconsiderate, condescending, entitled, selfish asshole who would constantly put me down… it doesn’t want to make me want to do anything nice for that person.

      I’m disgusted that I let someone manage down my expectations that much (or at all). He tried to get away with not calling me at least once a day – mind you he wouldn’t text or answer texts. This was in the golden period – let that one sink in!

      Then he would start the whole “do you have cash on you – I don’t have any on me ” ….never paid me back and after a few months I started lying – now you have to keep in mind also he is a special ed teacher and I was unemployed. I remember his mattress was the worst mattress in the world – the kind you would sit on and sink to floor. Anyway, I kept insisting he get a new mattress – and he said he would get one if I went half on it because after all it would be in our future place together. Yeah… okay….no…..again please keep in mind I was unemployed!

      He never gave me enough attention or did anything that I required of him or that any normal human would require of him. For example: I thought I had to go to the hospital for something – nothing like major but the situation ought have required a hospital visit (and this was early on in the relationship) he thought I was going to go myself …. while he stayed home to watch tv. When he would send a text I would hear “you could give me credit” – “come on give me some credit” ….he disgusts me… he repulsed me….

      I am embarrassed to say that I ever dated him.

      Then of course the sexual things became weirder and he would push me into things. My sociopath friend said ” he was like a pushy prom date that didn’t end” – he was correct. I was constantly whined at, guilted, and pushed – ugh I don’t miss that – I don’t miss the tantrums or the passive aggressive or huge blow outs that would happen later on because he was punishing me.

      He always put me down (even in the beginning) -like passive aggressive side comments and it got increasingly worse (obviously) as time went on. When he started to do it in front of his family and other people I really had enough. God forbid I not let him take a random – ridiculous shot at me….

      God forbid I don’t take it … and take it with a smile on my face.

      Let me ask everyone….how many passive aggressive jabs can you take in the span of an hour before you start to react? How many times do you have to get aggravated when you try to have a normal average everyday conversation with the person you’re with with before you say fuck it…..I’m not gonna bother telling him much because it always results in some weird attack or being put down or … then taking someone else’s side??

      I was no longer willing to sacrifice my own happiness in order to please him.

      1. Kim michaud says:

        Wow he put you down in the golden period I was better than the invention of the wheel during the golden period and he was calling or textin all day but boy did I pay during devaluation there wasn’t a single aspect of my character or being that was assasinated

      2. C★ says:

        the more you reveal and tell them, the more you weaponize them, to use on you later…

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I have so man stories it’s laughable.

        The time he broke my wrist by accident when we started officially dating and never visited me but kept worrying about what I would tell people…

        The time he fucked my car up by accident and I got the cost of it being fixed down to 50 bucks and he yelled at me saying I would pay it…

        He time he couldn’t take off of work to have dinner for my graduation – mind you he is a special ed teacher.

        I could keep going

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I used too many tissues ….and I don’t understand because i dont pay for them 🙄

        I wanted rum instead of a margarita he didn’t make

        I should do my “chores” around HIS apartment

        I could just go on and on

    3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      My twin narc ex boyfriends were the most selfish people I have ever been involved with. The fucking psychopath treated me better!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      2. K says:

        Dr. Q PsyD
        He wouldn’t go to dinner with you on your graduation! What an asshole!!!!
        My ULN bitched because I used too many matches, so he took the match box away from me! I used them to light the pilot on the stove to make dinner. Your tissue story reminded me of that!

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Matches?! Wow… they are so ridiculous.

        My graduation was on a Saturday morning in late July. Here is some background so you fully understand what a piece of shit he was…

        Flashback to the beginning of the relationship…I just earned my masters in school psychology and was looking for a job. The job market for school psychologists in New York is terrible – especially on Long Island. I was determined to go back to school and get my doctorate. He didn’t seem excited about this and I got the impression he wanted me to wait around to get a job. He never looked past his nose. I got into an advanced track PsyD program (so I didn’t have to start a program from ground zero) the first year we were together (while I was looking for jobs). I purposely made sure it was close to home and I could spend a lot of time with him. I asked him year 1 of the program if he was going to come to my graduation. He said “oh people don’t take work off for that sort of thing.” I was horrified and we got into a monster and I mean monster fight. He later insisted he never said that lol. Flash forward to the month before graduation (it was probably a few months but let’s underestimate). My parents booked rooms for us at a hotel on the Friday night before my graduation (my graduation was Saturday morning). I told my Ex when my parents did this and he was all “okay”. My ex works summer school and he would have to take the day off. My ex isn’t some hard worker so I want you to keep that in mind. So flashforward to the Monday before graduation. Something told me to start the convo again about him taking off that Friday to have dinner with my family because my school was in another state. My ex said “I never said I would do that” – I said “oh yes you did” – then he … I shit you not said “what if I have something to do? What if I want to swim? What if I want to run?” – he was somatic keep that in mind as well. I was on some other level shit of pissed off. I then said can you at least come up after work? He finally agreed after another monster fight. I knew then it was any day now I was gonna break up with him. It’s Friday night now – I’m alone in my hotel room. He got to the hotel at 12:00 am – technically Saturday morning. He then proceeded to make a hair appointment on his phone and practically ignored me and said “see I came!” – I was so done. Then… the next day we had graduation – he didn’t even get me flowers. The fuxking flower stand was five feet away from him inside of the place we had graduation. The car ride was silent home. I had no interest in talking. I wasn’t mean – but I wasn’t in the mood to talk because I had nothing to say. We got back to his place he went about the rest of the day as if I wasn’t there – I ordered in dinner on my credit card and then a few days later a blow out fight and then two days later I broke up with him over text – a one liner – mailed his shit back and never said a word to him ever again.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        You just know inside when it’s about to end – like really end because you’re REALLY fucking done.

        He said at a party – in front of people at a table – ” this is my golden goose over here.” I was disgusted and humiliated. I couldn’t even try and pretend what everyone said to me couldn’t be true – about him using me for money. I mean he used me for many things but he was also using me as an extra income. I couldn’t fathom this because I don’t have money!!! He then said a day later while we were in bed staring at our phones…. “you’ll be taking care of me soon” and when I suggested he get more credits because teachers get paid more for having more credits – he said “why do I need to do that? You will be making good money?” – I honestly couldn’t even pretend not to see what was staring me in the face anymore.

        As a man … he should have been humiliated saying that golden goose comment alone to me – but in front of a party of people?!?!

        He didn’t have a laptop for half of our relationship – he would use one of mine. He often would use the computer in his classroom. I said to his mom “oh can you please tell your son to get a damn laptop?” (in a goofy voice) – and then she said “well he doesn’t need one he could go to the library or use the one in his classroom” – I felt like I was in the twilight Zone!!!!!!!!!

      5. K says:

        Dr. Q PsyD
        Man, I just read these 2 posts now. Your ex reminded me of my ULN. GIANT ASSHOLES! Your ex’s mother was a bitch! Her response regarding the laptop reminded me of all the narc mothers I have dealt with and, like you, I thought I was living in the fucking Twilight Zone! Narc mothers are nightmares. I am so glad he is out of your life. Many of my narcs were cheap fucks, too. They sucked off of everybody else. Golden Goose….honestly! What a tool!

    4. Kim michaud says:

      This is brilliant and so true both the parts about their facade cracking and still loving them despite their faults and it’s such a slap in the face to know they don’t give a damn your giving them your love on a silver platter but it’s as worthless to them as a pile of dog doodoo

    5. Jenna says:

      Excellent points windstorm.

      1. K says:

        I agree Jenna. WS2 made excellent points from our perspective. We really do love the narcissist (illusion).

    6. Yolo says:

      I agree.. Internally we start to feel something is off, our minds and body try to warn us but our hearts are stuck.

      If that make sense..😊

  20. gabbanzobean says:

    “It is as if you have become bored with my brilliance and you see no reason to admire me and adore me in the way that you once did. That wounds me. Your actions or perhaps more accurately, your lack of actions makes me feel less than what I am. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel worthless and this infuriates me.”

    That’s the problem with your kind and us. I have not become bored. I still admire and adore. And sadly I always will. I haven’t had lack of any actions. I never wounded. Your perception of reality is incorrect. And it breaks my heart everyday that you’re an illusion, that you’ll never realize this and that you have to act like this to sustain yourself.

    It’s not fair to either of us.

    Nonetheless, I found reading this to be powerful. Good job explaining it HG. It still breaks my heart though.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you GB.

    2. Garden Tender says:

      Excellent reply. Thank you to both of you.

    3. Erin says:

      I think of them as being severely disabled, as if they lost their legs and arms in a childhood accident: they just lost their joy, empathy and love.
      It makes it a lot easier to handle them and their behaviour (when contact is necessary.)

      1. Fiona says:

        Made me chuckle bc my mofo Narc lost half a finger as a child lol

  21. thepianist20 says:

    Hey HG,,

    Does this mean that the narc in my life is planning to write to me again?

    Cuz when we last spoke in July, I was really critical of his inactions on me post-discard

    He tried to hoover me back when I bid goodbye, and he kept throwing manipulation after manipulation when I asked him to explain himself

    When he saw that I didn’t give in, he blame shifted to avoid accountability, like a coward.

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