Five Reasons We Disengage



The seduction is mesmerising and as part of its allure we of course tell you why we chose you with a thousand different sensual sentences. Some may seem over-the-top; others make sense to you but either way you are given the basis of understanding why we have been drawn to you. We do not tell you the real reasons why we chose you but we do provide you with some.

The devaluation is tortuous, horrific and unpleasant. You are unable to ascertain why we have suddenly knocked you from your pedestal. It is bewildering and confusing and only serves to add to your pain. You may have some reasons hurled at you but they will not make any sense to you and this is by design, to keep you confused and where we want you. Reasons are given, they just do not make sense.

Then comes the dis-engagement (the accurate term for what many people refer to as the discard) and more often than not you are left sprawled in the dust, exhausted, bereft and shattered with no explanation given as to why you have been thrown to one side as we stroll off into the sunset walking away nonchalantly. Why has it ended so suddenly? What did you do wrong? Why have we not told you why this has happened? The pain of being rejected is magnified by the failure to provide you with any explanation. Naturally, this refusal to explain is part of our design. We feel no need to explain because we can do as we want. We feel no need to give reasons because in our eyes you deserve no reasons because you have failed us. We offer no information for you to consider and process because certainly amongst the lesser of our kind they do not know themselves why is has ended, but it had to. This is the way it has to be.  There are however reasons why you we dis-engage from you. These are those reasons.

  1. You Have Wised Up

You have worked out, usually as a consequence of some external assistance that we must provoke you and make you react in an emotional fashion. You may not entirely understand why this dynamic occurs, you may not realise why it is so important to us, but you know that we want to make you react and you have stopped doing so. You have learned to respond in a neutral fashion and thus deprive us of our fuel. We apply our machinations in a harsher fashion, increasing the pressure to cause you to react as we feed on our secondary sources in the meanwhile but your resistance is substantial. You have not walked away, perhaps you are unable for financial reasons, children or the inconvenience of seeking a new home, but you have turned off the tap and we realise that it is not going to be turned back on anytime soon. We do not want to be in this weakened state and we do not wish to apply the energy we need to finding or embedding a new primary source to be used up on trying to squeeze fuel from you. Thus you are dropped.

  1. The New Source Is in Place

We began our devaluation of you as we sought a replacement for you. This explains the repeated affairs and now we have settled on your replacement as a primary source of fuel. He or she has been seduced and embedded into our supply chain. We are confident that they are functioning well, pouring forth delicious positive fuel in significant quantities and in a reliable manner, far better than you ever did. We have been fuelled by your negative fuel but there is no longer any need to keep you in play now that we have our new bright and shiny plaything. On to the scrap heap you go. We will come back later for a hoover of course, but for now it is adios.

  1. You’re Broken

Although it may seem during devaluation that we are trying to destroy you, that is actually not the case. Yes, we are driving you downwards through our repeated application of horrible manipulations but we do not want to finish you off. Just like somebody’s head we are holding under water, we will let you surface spluttering and gasping for air, by way of a respite period before plunging you into the icy water once again and holding you under. In and out, up and down, push and pull. We will have you bouncing along the bottom but not destroyed. Sometimes we go too far and the avalanche of abuse takes its toll on you resulting in you becoming broken. You are left numb, barely functioning or even hospitalised as a consequence of a break down. You provide us with no reaction any longer. Unlike the first instance above, this is not by choice, but as a consequence of our behaviour breaking you. Knowing now that you will not provide us with any fuel, we show our callous nature by taking no interest in your broken state but instead we shift our focus to embedding the new prospect that we have been cultivating and drop you.

  1. Major Exposure

You may have us worked out but your shock and horror at this, along with your desire to actually try to help and change us, means you continue you to spill out fuel towards us. You have the knowledge but you are not using it effectively, so we see no reason to go elsewhere. You may be trying to tell other people about our terrible behaviours but we have got in first, launched the smear campaign and maintained the façade. It is business as usual. Occasionally however you might just outflank us and manage to tell other people what we are like before we can do anything about it. These people see some incontrovertible evidence that you have obtained (admittedly usually obtained when dealing with the lesser and mid-range of our kind) and take your side. News spreads and those people we thought we could rely on either turn their backs on us or worse take your side. The façade is crumbling. The fuel has stopped and the energy required to change people’s minds (with no guarantee of success) is too great. We have been exposed in a major fashion. Rather than face the music and allow ourselves to be destroyed we drop you like a stone, saddle up and ride out of town in order to find a new place which hasn’t heard about who we are.

  1. Wounding with Intent

You’ve brought your A game on this occasion. Not only do you know what we are, the revelations that you have been provided with have caused you to now understand how you can hurt us. You know to turn off the tap but you know how to obtain the ultimate revenge against us and your emotion-free criticisms are launched at us. These criticisms wound us repeatedly, burning and hurting us and with no way of getting fuel from you, we are being beaten. You have been well schooled by somebody and applying those learned lessons you are starting to attack the very pillars of our existence. We are under a serious attack and fighting back is not an option. We need to flee and quickly. We don’t want you any longer, we know we cannot succeed at this moment in time and therefore we need to beat a retreat and promptly. You don’t want to let us off the hook because you want answers and you want to punish us for what we have done to you. You are not going to end our connection. We are not going to hang around however and we will discard you as we beat that retreat so we can recover, replenish and then look to strike back at a later date when your guard may be down.

24 thoughts on “Five Reasons We Disengage

  1. Dolores Haze says:

    Wow. Brutal. But I wonder: can there be a disengagement without prior devaluation period?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Theoretically, yes, practically, extremely unlikely.

  2. mistynolan01 says:

    So, I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine, and therefore I don’t know if my attempt to comment actually took cold. But, number five! Yes! I figured out that he was out to hurt me or control me and I stopped giving him fuel, even though I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. And you are so right, HG, I was not going to cut him loose because I loved fucking him, he was exciting, and there was nothing else going on in that small town. And just like you say he started to wound me intentionally, and I was confused by that because I had done nothing but be good to that fucker. I have come a long way since I’ve been following you, and I know longer desire to be in an abusive relationship. Yes I have graduated, thanks in part to you, cum laude. I’m over him, but yes I still hurt when I think about him. I haven’t visited the blog lately, because as I told you I had started getting hooked on you! Wow! But i missed your blog, your audio. It must be the Muscato and the joint. Anyhow, I’m glad to see that you are still providing insight and people are still healing.

    Thank you for all that you do. I’m still overcoming of the attractions that I feel for man such as yourself, although I know I will never knowingly answer another relationship with a narcissist. I guess I’ll say good night and continue with your good work

  3. Billthecat says:

    Being a bit of a Luddite, I am completely new to this, having never before
    have posted anything on the I-net. But last night my flailing on a search engine brought me to you… WOW.. ! It’s like a heavy 4-yr. fog has lifted and been explained with clarity!
    Within the title of “5-Reasons to Disengage” I fall between #1: I HAVE WISED UP, and #4: MAJOR EXPOSURE (due to my actual empathetic desire to help and change)..
    I am periodically appalled at myself for knowing all I know about this pathetic and emotionally hurtful cycle of disengagement. However, the reality that he turns to his young adult children as secondary sources impacts my desire to forever walk away. Although I have wised up, I am still “caught up”, because I care. (At least I never moved in!)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome on board Billthecat, you are in the right place for fog dissipation and more besides.

      1. SVR says:

        I am becoming impatient

    2. Jenna says:


      Welcome to the blog 💐💐💐

      U will find all the information to set u free right here.

      Pls don’t be ‘appalled’ at urself. We have all been there, and we stayed for many reasons which hg explains. It is natural to try to ‘fix’ a relationship. But now u r learning the truth abt him (ur bf?) and this knowledge will help u understand everything. I am sorry for what u went thru.

      I like ur username. Does it have special significance for u? A cat, perhaps?

  4. Aerie says:

    I’m curious…if you (or rather, a midrange) wants us to not exist after major exposure, why would he hide, instead of allowing his ex to divorce him? Wouldn’t that help him be rid of her?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If the ex divorces, she wields control and a Mid-Ranger (or any narcissist) does not want that. Hiding is done to withdraw from the secure wounding caused by the exposure. You can read more about the tactic of withdrawing in the book ‘Fury’.

  5. Pinkfire says:

    Oh HG, I think by now I have done every one of these to him..hahaha. Spot on, as always, this is incredibly accurate. Thank you!

  6. Narcsboreme says:

    Hi Mr Tudor. Read your five signs of devaluation post with interest. Number 5, wounding with intent. May I ask, if criticisms are done through text and are emotional, does this have same impact or provision of “fuel” as an emotional face to face critical encounter with narcissist? Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      An emotional text is fuel, yes.

  7. mistynolan01 says:

    Mr. Tudor, the Great – did I miss your livestream? You promised one in September. I’m tapping my imaginary watch as I say this: The month is officially half gone.

    Pretty please?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No you didn’t.

  8. mistynolan01 says:

    Ha ha — number 1! That’s why I was dropped. Number 5 was my forte!

    Yes you hurt me, but I hurt you too! Run, narc, run!


  9. Yolo says:

    I like the last 2…😊😊The empathygrenades.

  10. Kim Michaud says:

    6 it’s clear your not going to give me the green card I so want and desire. How dare you not sacrifice your life time and money to get me a green card so what if in going to cheat on you the whole marriage and leave the second the ink is dry in my greencard. You should just be happy you got the chance to be married to a king like me. You can’t possibly think I could be content being married to an old ugly wymrinkled up old haha such as you.

  11. Jenna says:

    Why does the pic remind me of a scene in harry potter?

  12. Nicole says:

    My covert midrange ex has always had all his exes come crawling back. Is the fact that I haven’t come back to him a wound? Since he disengaged me 6 months ago, he has texted me once and I didn’t respond. If I don’t cause any triggers, will he leave me alone or am I a challenge because I didn’t act the way he expected me to?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends. You wounded him lightly by not responding to the text. He may leave along for a period of time, subject to the Hoover Trigger and Hoover Execution Criteria.

  13. Dana says:

    How do I keep the peace after he has started to devalue me? Can I stop it somehow? I am staying for financial reasons only and it would be much easier to just know how to keep him from being so triggered all the time. I don’t react or get my feelings hurt when he insults me, etc. Help!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Read Escape, Fuel and Fury to start with Dana and/or book a consultation with me.

  14. Peaceful says:

    “You’ve brought your A game on this occasion. Not only do you know what we are, the revelations that you have been provided with have caused you to now understand how you can hurt us. You know to turn off the tap…”. HG- I love this! “You have been well schooled by somebody..”. That’s so awesome!!!

    You’ve showed me how to bring my A game, and have well schooled me indeed.

    HG, you are so awesome!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

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