Bitter

BITTER

Envy and jealousy form two of the limited range of emotions that we are permitted. Of course, our reduced range of emotional responses is entirely by design so that we are furnished only with those emotions which drive us forward in our pursuit of fuel and thus we are freed from the hindering effects of many emotions which you experience such as compassion, sadness and joy. Envy and jealousy certainly provide us with the impetus and motivation to gather our precious fuel but they are emotions that you exhibit as well. Admittedly, there are those amongst your number that are so selfless and giving that an envious thought or look of jealousy never clouds your saintly features, but for many of your kind there is a bitterness that arises from this jealousy although we know you would never admit it and would prefer to blame it on us. Take for example the following exchange I had with one of my ex-girlfriends. I have not named the individual,not because I have some semblance of decency by granting her anonymity. Not at all. No, this is borne out of highlighting that this conversation could have taken place with any number of my ex-girlfriends. It is a conversation that could have taken place with many of you. She was in a period of devaluation and was providing me with plenty of negative fuel so as I worked behind the scenes to line-up my new prospect there was no urgency to bring about a discard. We had arranged to meet at a wine bar. I was fifteen minutes late.

“Oh here at last,” she remarked as I walked in to the wine bar. I pretended not to notice her at first,my eye caught by a tall and attractive lady who was stood near to me at the bar. I smiled at the tall lady and she returned it.

“I said,” declared the ex in a louder voice, “you are here at last.”

I turned to where she was sat as if noticing her for the first time.

“Ah hello, yes what a day, major deal going on and I had to take a conference call with New York,Pretoria and Frankfurt. It’s all happening I can tell you.”

“You could have rung to say you were running late, I have been sat here wondering where you were.”

“Am I late? We said 7-15.”

“No, seven o’clock.”

“I think you will find it was 7-15. I remember distinctly because I told my secretary to schedule the conference call for 4pm to last for no longer than 3 hours to give me sufficient time to get here. Big deal you see, so it needed that time allocated to it.”

“Well, I was busy too you know,” she remarked.

“Not on the scale I have been my dear,” I replied with a smile as I continued to scan the wine bar to see if there was anybody I knew and any further opportunities to gather fuel.

“Oh of course, your work is always more important than mine isn’t it?”

“No need to be like that, I am just stating a fact.”

She began to say something but I cut her off by pointing at her wine glass which was nearly empty and asking,

“Which wine is that?”

“Er, the chardonnay,” she replied.

“The Chablis here is far better, I will get that,” I remark and smile as I see her twist her face at my comment. I indicated to a waitress to come over to the table and I ordered two glasses of the Chablis.

“A far better choice,” I declare pleasantly,

“Oh it would be wouldn’t it since you chose it?” she added sourly.

I pretend I didn’t hear and thrust my hand out and revealed a watch from underneath the double cuff of my shirt.

“What do you think of this then? Impressive no?”

“Why have you bought that? I got you a watch only last month,” she announced in irritation.

“I know but, well, this is of a superior quality and the strap on the one you got me did not fit my wrist properly, not like this one,” I explained and I then continued to espouse the virtues of the chronological item as her face darkened. I of course revelled in this but I maintained the pretence that I did not notice.

“Anyway, enough of that,” she snapped.

“Something the matter? Not jealous are you? Jealous? Of a watch?”

“No I’m not jealous,” she answered far too quickly.

“Yes you are.”

“No I am not, anyway, where are we going this weekend? I thought we might go to Rockcliffe for a couple of nights, the restaurant in the orangerie is apparently really good,” she continued.

“I am not going there.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have been invited to Guisborough instead.”

“Who by?”

“What’s it got to do with you?”

“Er just a bit, I am your girlfriend or had you forgotten about that?”

“I would rather not say, you will only get jealous,” I grinned.

She looked indignant.

“Let’s just say Guisborough is better than Rockcliffe so that is where I will be going,” I added.

“Oh I see, you always have to go one better than what I suggest,” she snarled.

“Hey,I cannot help it if people who have excellent choice invite me to such a place can I?”

“You do it all the time. I get a new car, so you do the same only yours is more expensive. I gained a promotion and rather than congratulate me you tell me all about the targets you apparently smashed. I cook you a fantastic dinner but you tell me it is not as good as the one you did the previous week. I show you a picture and you tell me you have one that is similar only yours is better. Good God, I even told you about a moisturiser I was using, just chit chat and you have to explain how the one you use is superior to it. What is wrong with you? You always have to bring it back to you and go one better?”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” I replied feigning a look of displeasure despite the fact I was revelling in all this fuel that was being provided.

“You are consumed by your petty jealousy. I share what I achieve, I tell you first, I let you into everything I do so you can feel reassured that you are with someone who is successful and all you can ever do is be jealous and envious. How about being pleased for me for once rather than thinking about yourself?”

“I cannot believe what I am hearing. You boast all the time, you do it with everything. You tell me repeatedly about how you are ‘kicking ass and taking names’ at work, how the higher-ups adore you, how you are looking at buying an even larger house and how you have always been the highest achiever in your family. I told you about my degree result, yours had to be a class higher, if that is even true of course as sometimes I wonder. Your university was better than mine, your post code is a more desirable area,you have more friends than me, you have visited more countries than me. Every time I try and tell you something you have to trump it and go one better,” she continued as the anger tainted her words.

I slowly stand and her eyes widen as she seems surprised by my movement.

“I’m not sitting here listening to your jealousy, I am parked on a double yellow line and I am not getting a ticket just because you are envious of me,” I hiss. I turn as I hear her shout after me.

“There you go again, it couldn’t be a single yellow line could it? Oh no.”

I smiled and walked away content in the knowledge that these continued bouts of envy provided me with such delicious fuel. So predictable. Single yellow? I liked that.

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30 thoughts on “Bitter”

  1. You have said several times that your emotions are limited and streamlined for the attainment of fuel. Do you not realize that if you had the full range of emotions, you wouldn’t have to constantly chase fuel? You would be able to be happy and feel complete in your own self, without the constant need for adoration from others?

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  2. “Oh here at last…”
    “I said,” declared the ex in a louder voice, “you are here at last.”

    U were only 15 min late. I don’t understand why she’s so angry. I think she is a little rude. U could have been stuck in traffic; u could have been running late at work. She could have asked first b4 getting annoyed.

    Luckily, my ex was rarely late. He is v time conscious when he does actually come thru w plans. I, on the other hand, am often late.

    “I do so you can feel reassured that you are with someone who is successful… ”
    That’s a little boastful of her to say, imo.

    However, ur jealousy is excessive.

    My ex never competed w me for anything. He competed w others in his field for jobs, but being a mid-ranger he never let his jealousy be known.

    He used to tell me though, that so and so has such and such a job, and that he is frustrated that he does not (at the time). Now, he has secured career related employment that is well paying. He should be satisfied but he still wants more in his career.

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  3. This is so true of narcissists they love to showboat and one up. Why? Because they are the envious ones and are never truely happy with themselves and life. Never truely satisfied but when they see someone else happy this causes them extreme jealousy and they feel the need to diminish it. True happiness comes from within something they dont posess. Their happiness comes from external validation like they got from mommy or daddy except now its from everyone and is a fleeting.

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  4. I’m curious and I hope you wouldn’t mind such a random question – when you say you’re unable to experience joy, does that extend to joy felt in something organic like just taking a walk on a beautiful day through a scenic place? Just feeling joy being surrounded by beauty, enjoying a simple pleasure solo without feeling a need for an audience?
    This kind of joy is a really peaceful kind that can feel very freeing, enjoying sights and sounds and not overthinking it at all.

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    1. My husband never cared what I enjoyed sexually. He would just tell me what I should want and should enjoy. It really worried me when he would accuse me of being frigid and not “normal” because I didn’t enjoy what he thought I should. But then eventually I came to realize that he was just inept….

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      1. I understand. It destroys every bit of worth you have. We are so conditioned to get our worth from the narc we are with and we believe every word they say. I still believe so much of what he said was true about me even though I know it was just a weapon.

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      2. 12345
        I think what broke me of believing all the negative crap my husband told me was how successful my life has been since I left him. He had me convinced for decades that I could never make it on my own. Then when I finally got so desperate I had to leave or suffer a complete physical/mental breakdown – I did terrific and his life went to hell in a hand basket! Apparently I had actually been what was holding everything together, but there I’d spent all those years believing that I couldn’t get by without him.

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  5. HG,
    This article reminded me of one of my favourites : Tears. A very touching and moving one. I like a lot the way you describe the dialogue you had then with your father:

    “Because the way I felt when I saw my father cry tears of pride at my achievement made me want to see that again. The sense of power that he imbued in me, his praise, his pride, his adoration of my achievement was so edifying that he made me strive even harder. ”
    Quoted from:
    https://narcsite.com/2016/12/30/tears-part-two/

    How would you describe your feelings arising from your father’s overwhelming expression of being proud of you? Weren’t those feelings of joy you felt then?

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      1. Ahh but it is so worth it ! Joy does not always involve attachments or even another person.The lack of this emotion is especially difficult for me to relate to. It makes me so sad to know that all Narcissists cannot feel this.

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      1. The only time I can ever recall being on time in the last 12 months, was the day after the clocks went back……I thought I was half an hour late but it transpired I was actually half an hour early…….it was such a novelty that I didn’t know what to do with myself…….I was way out of my comfort zone and it pissed me off no end. So I went to the nearest hotel and stayed there for an hour, until I was the half an hour late that I intended to be……..I don’t like to disappoint anyone!!! I can be on time if I am trying to impress someone or it’s a medical appointment, but it is a rare occurrence these days. Other people being late for me does not bother me either……I find the less time I have to spend with them the better!!!! I am not a people person, however, for some bizarre reason people think I am.
        “Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you’ve never noticed, the dead are always on time.” Arlene Ang ……(although I have left instructions to make sure I am late there too……)
        …….Diva

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      1. It has been such a long time since I was last in Whitby. I used to work in Yorkshire, but now my only link to the place is drinking Yorkshire Tea…..it’s not the most refined, but it wakes me up and reminds me of good times…….Diva

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      2. Yes it is just that……….now that you have highlighted that fact, I am realising that Yorkshire Tea is just one of many constructive “forms” of Ever Presence that I cling to…….At least you now know my beverage preference whilst I am on that naughty step, just a drop of milk and no cyanide……….Diva

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