How No Contact Feels – Part Two



The response of the Lesser Narcissist to the implementation of No Contact has been described, what then of the Mid-Range Narcissist? Let us begin with the scenario where you have decided to escape him and you convey this news to him in person.

The declaration that you are ending the Formal Relationship will naturally result in the Mid Ranger experiencing criticism and thus his fury will be ignited. Unlike the Lesser, The Mid Ranger will be able to exert some control over this ignited fury. He also tends to have it manifest as cold fury, rather than heated fury. The initial response will be for the Mid Ranger to keep the ignited fury under control. Instead, he will focus his energies on a Preventative Hoover as he tries to stop you from moving forward with your stated intention. The Mid Ranger will rarely utilise charm in the Preventative Hoover (unlike the Greater) but instead will opt for deploying a Pity Play and appealing to your empathic traits such as compassion, pity and guilt. The Mid Ranger, will not, at least at first, lash out like a Lesser. He can maintain some control for a short period of time. He is also predisposed to acting in a passive aggressive manner along with having the benefit of having some calculating ability. He will realise that you are naturally dissatisfied with his behaviour and performance in the Formal Relationship and this is what he will seize on. Whilst he is able to maintain control, he will opt for apologising and showing apparent recognition of the faults you may well have described in your parting shot. When telling a Mid Ranger that the Formal Relationship is at an end, you should expect to hear the following comments: –

“I realise now that things are not as good as they should be, I am sorry.”

“You are right; I have not been thinking about you as much as I should have.”

“I have been busy with work and I have neglected you. I guess I have been trying to do the right thing for us by working hard, but I got it wrong.”

“I won’t be able to manage without you.”

“You cannot leave me; I won’t know what to do.”

“I will be lost without you.”

“I should have realised sooner but I have been distracted, I have not treated you as well as I should have.”

“Please give me a chance to put things right.”

“You are right in what you say, I need to change. I can. Please will you help me?”

“I just need another chance and you will see that I can makes things right again.”

You can expect earnest looks, tears and apparent remorse and contrition. None of it is real in terms of being meant for you. Instead this is the manifestation of the Mid-Ranger’s growing fear at the looming loss of his primary source. He is fearful for himself, feels sorry for himself and appears to be contrite and remorseful purely as a device to stop you from leaving.

If this Preventative Hoover fails, then the Mid-Range suffers a further criticism and now his ignited fury can no longer be kept under control. He lacks the ability to continue this control and furthermore the increased criticism has wounded him considerably meaning the wound needs to be healed. The ignited fury causes him to seek fuel and since you are proximate to him, that fuel will be sought from you.

The immediate manifestation of this ignited fury will be through cold fury. The Mid Ranger will sulkily seek to apply emotional blackmail against you in order to provoke a reaction from you and thus gain fuel. Expect to hear comments such as: –

“I cannot believe you are doing this after everything that I have done for you.”

“So, this is how you treat someone who has loved you like nobody else?”

“How can you do this to me? Don’t I mean anything to you?”

“I was right. You are just selfish aren’t you? I have done so much for you and you treat me like dirt.”

“You are a selfish bitch, all my friends said you would do this, but oh no, I defended you. Looks like I wasted my time.”

Note how in the Preventative Hoover there was apparently some recognition of being at fault, some sense of culpability and blame? That was false and this is demonstrated by the sudden switch to blaming you instead. It was never the fault of the Mid Ranger; it was your fault all along. He is hard done to and you are the horrible, awful person who has been so beastly to him.

If you react and provide fuel, the Mid Ranger will keep going, laying the guilt on thick in order to heal his wound with the fuel that you have provided. If you supply sufficient fuel for this to happen and his ignited fury is extinguished, he will then withdraw. He will not risk attempting a further Preventative Hoover. He has enough awareness to realise that his shift to blaming you, insulting you and accusing you of being the one at fault will not bring you back. However, with fury extinguished he will instead withdraw and turn his attention to seeking a new primary source. You will be let go and in his mind the Mid-Ranger will be the one who has ended it.

If you fail to provide any fuel at this additional criticism, if you are dealing with a Lower Mid-Ranger you may find yourself subjected to some property destruction and/or low level violence (slapping, pushing, spitting) in order to try again to draw fuel. If it is provided, the behaviour will continue until the fury is extinguished and then he will withdraw.

If you fail to provide any fuel, then the Mid Ranger will effectively flounce off and walk away from you. This happens for two reasons. Firstly, this enables him to maintain that he ended the relationship with you. Secondly, this is because he will now seek out sympathetic secondary and even tertiary sources to regale them with his tale of woe at how horrible you have been and to smear you. This will garner him the fuel he needs (since you failed to provide it) and his wound will be addressed. He will then focus on acquiring the new primary source to replace you, leaving you alone. The Mid Ranger will be extensive in his smearing of you and the sucking up of sympathy from anybody and everybody. He will play the victim to a considerable degree and is therefore likely to obtain the fuel he needs to heal his wound and then provide him with the energy to seek out the new primary source. He will play the hard done to spouse, the cuckolded boyfriend as he invents all manner of tales about your reprehensible behaviour in order to milk the situation he is in for all it is worth.

If you do not tell the Mid Ranger that the Formal Relationship has ended in person and instead you send a message, leave a note and let him work it out for himself, he will attempt to prevent the implementation of No Contact through a Preventative Hoover before it is too late. You will be bombarded with messages, telephone calls and personal appearances for the purpose of pleading with you and begging you. Expect stones thrown at your window and begging displays from underneath your bedroom window. His remorse will be extensive and the desire to change significant but it is all part of the Preventative Hoover. If this fails, he will switch to lashing out at you as described above in order to try and gain fuel.

If the Mid Ranger is unable to effect any kind of contact with you since your implementation of No Contact has been so total, he will be forced to seek fuel from secondary and tertiary sources. He will do so on the basis of self-pity, misery and wanting sympathy from those sources. The Mid Ranger is apt to using this sympathy milking to promote an inner circle friend who is comforting him during this terrible period to a new primary source so that he gains fuel quickly and is then able to focus on this person and forget about you. If there is no promotion, even whilst drawing the sympathy fuel form secondary and tertiary sources the Mid Ranger will be looking for a new primary source in order to re-instate the appropriate fuel level which has been removed by your commencing No Contact.

If the Mid Ranger should find himself in the position of not being able to draw fuel from secondary or tertiary sources or he uses up those reserves before he is able to secure a new primary source, then he will slip into isolation and depression. This is rare for the Mid Ranger. This is because invariably he has enough cognitive function to draw the fuel from secondary and tertiary sources to sustain him whilst he secures a primary source. He has enough ability to know how to portray his situation to maximise his position.

The Mid Ranger, of the three schools of narcissism behaves the most pathetically when there is the threat of and the subsequent implementation of No Contact. He first begs and pleads. If that does not work, he blames and lashes out verbally, but it is petulant and sulky. There is no terrible fury like that of the Lesser. He is not even able to launch into strong violence, opting instead for milder forms as described above. Eventually he withdraws and seeks the solace of others by doling out pity plays to anybody who will listen and leaving you well alone for fear of further criticism.

Of course hoovers may follow in the future, dependent on the relevant criteria, but for the Mid Ranger, the threat of No Contact brings a desperate plea to prevent it and in the event that fails, expect petulant insults, self-pity and withdrawal, with the attendant smearing and need to draw sympathy from others.


12 thoughts on “How No Contact Feels – Part Two”

  1. Dearest HG
    I had a friend with NPD and I went no contact five months ago.However we work together, we often see each other,so that’s more gray rock method then real no contact,but I have been ignoring him.He has taken away from me a lot of our common colleagues.They think I’m weird, because he is wunderful person.When I started, no contact he was angry and nervous.He tried to hoover me.He wasn t comming to work when I worked on weekends.Two weeks ago I had been drinking coffee with his wife and I explained her that we are no longer best friends, that I broke the contact with him, and I told her how difficult it was to me, as he was like brother to me. After that he started coming back, not angry or nervous. He is full of self-confidence,doesn t avoid me anymore. He sits behind me in our coffishop.
    Does this mean that every time he sees me, he remembers what I had told his wife and that s the way he gets fuel? Or does he have third suply who fills him with fuel so he can stand up my ignorance.?What is he up to?
    Please help because he want leave me alone.I just want to know what should I do?

  2. If a LMR knows that there is no chance for positive fuel, can I expect future hoovers to be only malign?
    The only chance of contact is in person, since we both live in a small area and because I have my NC regime going. I have not gone out to clubs or bars since I found out and got out, mostly because the last thing I wanted was to see him and also because I needed time to heal, which I have done. All fuelled up with newly accuired life force – And realising I am a magnet for narcs, I have also kept low lately. But I want to go out soon, and there might be a good chance of running into him and / or his coterie. Should I just walk away, or pretend not to see him? What is the best thing to do to give NO fuel? (Stay at home?)

  3. This post is on the money. There was no preventative hoover; I was fuel free at the end and he flounced off, ending our FR because I treated him so badly and he sought pity from his newly crowned IPPS.

  4. He disengaged from me for the nth time. I had read about No contact but I didn’t block him on email, social media etc, as recommended. I didn’t know about narcissism.
    I waited………..?……….I’ve received over 70 emails this last year and I’ve read them all- they say he said he loves and misses me, along those lines.
    I hoped that something in his mails would show he takes responsibility for domestic violence and abuse and say he’s sorry- I was sure he would, it was just a matter of time…and I’m patient…
    Naturally, it never happened.

    It felt like I was ripping the bandage of slowly, it took me so long to unpack what went on in that relationship, see how he really was and I recognise had no choice but to let go….

    Was it cruel of me to keep contact open but not to answer?- was I deploying a Silent Treatment rather than No Contact ?
    Maybe it felt hard for him. I feel guilty.

    But I had to do it like that, otherwise I never could have worked through what really went on in that relationship.

    1. My True Self,
      You were right to recognize that your only choice was to let go. The only cruelty you showed was to yourself, for allowing exposure to his emails. Fully implement No Contact. There is nothing else for it. He may have disengaged from your FR multiple times, but this is a different intent on your part. You need only suffer through the finality of this once. Be strong.

      1. Merripen- Thank you so much for your comment- you are right , the intent this time was much different on my part- it would have been better to go NC

  5. Desperately pathetic. First begging, then getting into a fury because the outcome is not not what they desired. It reads like a panic attack…

    HG, what about the narcissist who flounces off and stays away and maintains silence until the smear campaign gets underway? Is that the trait of a Mid-Ranger or another school?

    Thanks for this article; thought-provoking as always.

  6. Boy, I sure experienced this EVERY SINGLE TIME I tried to leave. The last time I tried, he dumped me a week later. He had to be in control of the disengagement, not me. I fell for the pity play every single time. Never. again.

  7. He said the following:

    “I am sorry”
    “It was all my false perceptions”
    “Throw everything i said the other day out the window”
    “I don’t want to lose u”

    “This is what i get after everything i’ve done for u?”
    “This is what i’ve been trying to prevent for so many yrs”
    “This is why i call u selfish”

    The amount of effort he used to put into not “losing me” at the time (i didn’t realize it then; i just thought he was sorry) makes me feel sad for him and other narcs. Nobody should have to live this way.

  8. HG, what of the mid-range covert narc who senses you are backing out of the formal relationship, has a variety of secondary sources on whom to go to for supply and will not overtly try to reel you in again? The one I’m dealing with right now, a next door neighbor, is employing tactics along the lines of tempt and withhold — tempt, lure in and then punish or snatch away — dangle some traditional gathering that was a yearly part of our friendship and subtly slip in that “Oh, that may not happen next year because of x, y and z…” Is this sort of behavior standard for the covert who has been made to learn that you will no longer be an appliance? They go on a subtle salami slicing campaign?

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