Letter To The Narcissist – No. 1

 

A LETTER TO THENARCISSIST -CORDELIA'S LETTER

I recently invited readers to pen the letter that they would like to send to the narcissist that they entangled with. Here is the letter which ‘Cordelia’ would like to send. Does it mirror your sentiments and experience at all? How do you think the narcissist would react to receiving this?

“There’s really nothing I need to tell you. But there are a few questions that it would be fun to have the answers to. Please tell me: how does it feel to have been out-maneuvered?

 

I was one of two shelf IPSSes you kept at work. After I realized what you were, I shared that knowledge with the other.  I heard she had fallen from grace and you were already trying to destroy her reputation by lying and saying that she was stealing equipment. I warned her. Needless to say, she’s not talking to you anymore. You’ll never know for sure whether or not her informant was me. You didn’t know it was me who told her, did you?

 

Me, me, me. You seduced me. We had a little romance and you promised sex eventually but that last part never happened. My husband isn’t bothered that we had a brief fling because he had given me permission to have one. He and I opened up our relationship two years ago–don’t you remember mining me for that little detail? You started adding a romantic side to our seven year-long friendship as soon as you dragged that tidbit out of me. You later lied to me about having your wife’s consent. You also hid her pregnancy from me, and that was when I left. But this is where you think, again, that you still have power. Again you are wrong.

 

I have no need to tell your wife about what happened because I know her reaction will just give you the fuel you need. I know you got her pregnant as a way of binding her to you permanently. She financially can’t afford to leave and won’t want to raise another son in a single-parent household. It’s why you chose her, yes? Telling her about us will just drive her closer to you. I think you were counting on that. I won’t tell her.

 

It wouldn’t surprise me if you tell her, though (and blame it all on me). After all, you want a catfight. I know, honey, I know. It’s amazing how I know it all, isn’t it? How does it feel to know that I’m not falling for it? You’ll only get to have one woman screaming at you, though I know you wish it were two. But take heart. You know just how much you can abuse her emotionally and still keep her around. You almost figured it out with me. But knowledge does not equal intelligence. The fact that I escaped, and the way I escaped, proves to me that you are not as smart as I am.

Therein lies the denoument. During that tepid, one-sided relationship, you were stupid enough to try to physically force me to kiss you at the office. I refused because I don’t mix work and pleasure and I wasn’t that into you at the time. You have terrible bad breath and your desire to extract my tonsils using your tongue is rather inefficient and unromantic. After I ended it and found out what you were, I knew you would be back for more.

 

I let the company know about that coercive stunt you pulled. You attempted to force me to do something that I didn’t want to do and you did it on company time (I was off the clock; you weren’t!) That’s sexual intimidation, regardless of how involved we were. You thought it was funny at the time. I think it’s hilarious that HR and I have harassment paperwork ready for you if you so much as look at me again. Who’s laughing now? I would love to know: What was the expression on your face when you got the email from me informing you that you were never to so much as say hello to me at work again or you’d be faced with a harassment suit? You replied back, begging me to meet you to sort all of it out. Did your blood boil to read the word ‘no.’?

 

At the moment I have the last word but I know it won’t be the last word from you. It is the last one you’ll ever get from me. All I need to do to wound you is simply to do nothing. My dear, you were in the military. How is it that I became the master of strategy and you are the one who is “outflanked and outgunned”? Do tell. How does that make you feel?”

Cordelia

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87 thoughts on “Letter To The Narcissist – No. 1”

  1. I love reading all of these letters to the narcissist. It helps me greatly. Try as I might I can’t find the link to write my own letter?

  2. HG – With more than seven million hits you are certainly achieving your aim to be the number one source for the reality of how narcissists think and behave. I know you are a reasonable person so I am requesting that you please share your responses to maybe the first three to five letters. Such omniscient responses take time to construct, and I appreciate your diligence in providing answers we can’t obtain anywhere else. I look forward to your insights and hope that you are able to post them soon despite your undoubtedly busy schedule.

    1. Hello Heather, well bravo on laying the groundwork in making your request in a polite and constructive manner. Consequently, I shall certainly give your request due consideration.

      1. K

        I thought that as well. A testament to both a great educator and the intelligence of his audience.

      2. Absolutely, NarcAngel. This blog is excellent and there are so many thoughtful and intelligent people here. I love it!

  3. Hg I noticed you posted this letter on youtube. Do you plan to post all of the letters on youtube or just the first?

  4. HG how soon are you planning to post your thoughts on the letter series? I am eager to learn from what you point out about the letters.

  5. The focus of the article is the letter, content, and delivery to the narcissist. Not to judge the circumstances under which someone found themselves entangled. Every one of us has a 10 minute portion of the videotape of our lives that we wouldnt care to be exposed. Every. Single. One.

      1. Diva
        You couldn’t hide your empathy if you tried, but your humor and defiance, along with your jinxed mien, masks it well enough while you are here learning The Dark Arts of empathy suppression. K

      2. K…..I have to hand it to you, in all honesty…..you have me well and truly sussed out. Mien is my new word of the day…..love it!!!!…..Diva

    1. NarcAngel
      10 minutes? Are some people’s segments that short?!? I know we’re only supposed to get 15 minutes of fame, but I thought the shameful part we want to hide was way longer!

      1. Windstorm and Diva

        I was trying to channel some inner Empath and Im still getting flak. Sheesh…tough crowd.

      2. Hi NarcAngel…..Oh that 10 minutes of shame comment did make me smile and I could not resist in responding to it (knowing what I know about myself!!!) However, it looks like it’s just Windstorm and I that need longer to confess our sins. To be fair I don’t need any minutes of fame……but I might need a couple of hours on that shame topic if I am going to spill my guts…….although my version of shame and other peoples may be a bit different…….then I might need even longer!!……Diva

      3. Diva and Windstorm

        Oh, did I forget to mention the life tape/cd is only 15 mins in length total? Haha my bad.

      4. Hi NarcAngel……what happened to that “trying to channel some inner Empath?” It lasted about as long as that life cd/tape……just as well we appreciate you just the way you are!!!!……….Diva

      5. Diva

        Haha, well when you cant get a little love in a room full of empaths……

      6. Hey NarcAngel……yeah I remember saying that or something similar…..I have had to change my ways pretty damn quick since my initial visit to this blog……the empath is no more, I am in training to be a narc…..”fight fire with fire” is my new motto……K will tell you it never really existed……she reckons I have been busted…….she could well be right!!!!……Diva

      7. NarcAngel
        I so want to send you a bunch of colored hearts and emoticons, with big colored exclamation points, but I don’t want to make you barf! My empathy’s holding me back! 😝

      8. Windstorm

        Haha. HG likely barfed just moderating that. Who are you trying to kid? You cant hold your empathy back-it leaks long lines through the internet and into this blog via your words and we are all the better for them. No emoticons required.

      9. Diva

        Wow. Im guessing thats not the kind of committment you were looking for. You want someone who can follow through without the drama. In hindsight was he a Narc?

      10. Hey NarcAngel……you tell me what you think…..here are a few of the facts….I met him when I was 22….he was 44, he “became” an alcoholic, he had been divorced twice, he had kids not much younger than I was and according to them he abandoned them when they were very young, as a teenager he was in trouble with the law, stealing cars, running away from home etc, he didn’t get on with his father, his mother was a controlling weasel, yet somehow he got on with her, provided he did what she wanted, he admitted to cheating with his brothers wife and other indiscretions, he was my boss, he later lost his job because he did something dishonest at work and was “let go”, he was extremely intelligent, well read, well travelled. Despite all of the above……he treated me far better than he seemed to have treated others previously and he was great fun……if he was a narc, (and I NOW suspect that he was) he was the best one that I ever had and as such, he is not the reason I ended up on this blog. Now you know why I don’t require any minutes of fame!!!!!!…….Diva

      11. Diva
        The list just keeps getting longer! Now I can add consorting with an outlaw. Your denouement is revealing quite the tawdry adventure! I eagerly await the next chapter. K

      12. Hey K……this is the luke warm stuff that I am currently admitting to…….my other relationships and dalliances with narcs might prove more difficult…..if I admit it on this blog then I will also have to admit it to myself. I might have to change my name……but you will know it is me by the craziness of the tales. I often think it was a blessing in disguise that I never made it to Las Vegas…..god only knows what that could have led to. It’s still on my to do list though……..I have my casino dress all ready to go!!!!…..Then I plan to tackle Italy…….that could prove even more interesting!!!!!!! Although I don’t plan on visiting there until I am at a stage in my life whereby I can stay there if I want to……..and I suspect that I will not want to leave……Diva

      13. Diva
        Keep the lid on Pandora’s Box closed tight until you are ready for the big reveal. And even if you changed your name, I think I would recognize your signature “adventures” anywhere. You know what they say about Vegas, right? What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Just think about the possibilities! An endless buffet of excitement to be had. We would have to bail you out of jail. Italy sounds beautiful. The history, art and architecture alone would make me want to live there too. K

      14. Hey K……I know….I was having palpitations about having to tell NarcAngel about my nearly getting married in Las Vegas story, on the 4th July (planned purposely to mark the day of losing my independence)…..it was all booked, although it never happened…..the groom died……I am honestly not joking…….he said he would wriggle out of it somehow……and indeed he did………..I can kind of laugh about it now……it was several years ago……it just wasn’t to be……Diva (aka Jinxy!!!)

      15. Wow Diva! You are truly jinxed. “Almost-Black Widow”, fugitive from Cuba, fire starter and gift-keeper. No wonder heaven doesn’t want you and the Devil’s afraid you will take over, and it isn’t surprising that you attract narcs either! Great story! K

  6. I do not have the energy nor desire to write three letters, to three different narcs that have all but destroyed “me”(s) It would be a book, not a letter.

    1. Actually, I have a better idea. I will retrieve some letters I had written (to most recent, number three narc) about 12 years ago, before I understood what he is, and only because of reading HG’s blog and books…. will share here, (maybe) stay tuned…

  7. Just reading this gave me a sigh of release. 😊Detox our souls, it doesnt matter if the narc never reads this i hope it helps with your healing. I am going to have a HG weekend binge.

  8. I’m in doubt with my opinion reading all of this was going on with a husband at home and also knowing he had a wife.

  9. This was written by someone with an obvious gift for writing and Cordelia whichbia probably not her real name was the second name I had in mind for my daughter love this name
    Cant relate to the letter though a married woman having an affair with a married man supposedly with her husbands consent but not the consent if the mans wife or she claims she believed his pregnant .consented to him cheating Doesn’t sound like a narcisist victim dynamic to me she even knew he was seeing another woman at work how did he decieve or con her

    1. Typos as usuall should say Cordelia which is not her real name. should also say she claims she believed his pregnant wife gave him permission to cheat

  10. Good lawd yassss! Love this! Speaking of the weaponised and ready empath HG, I read your book about codependents and while I learned a lot, the description didn’t seem to fit me. I’m interested to know – if the codependent is one who hasn’t fully completed the process of becoming a narcissist, what is a super empath in comparison? Thanks HG

      1. Do you mean, in terms of SE, there are humans untouched by evil?

      2. Am I getting the “silent treatment”? 😂 Ok, then…NC. 😉

  11. I can’t even write a pretend letter to my narc because I have nothing to say. I actually have nothing to say.

    The only thing worth saying would be:

    If you only knew what knew and what I know now…

    That’s all that would be worth saying.

    1. I hear that Dr HQ! At first I was all geared up to write a letter, but when I actually sat down to try, I realized all my feelings had dried up and I actually had no desire whatsoever to put forth any energy at all when it came to thoughts of HIM. Although While cleaning out my closet, I did come across masses of letters that I had written to him over the years.. Ahh so glad not to be that broken girl anymore!

      1. Star
        What did you do with the letters when you came across them? How long have you been disengaged? If you care to share.

  12. Ammunition for future warfare and retaliation……..Diva

    Although I am grateful for Cordelia’s efforts and I have no doubt that this was not an easy task, I can’t help wondering if the lesson that we learn from this whole exercise is that any such correspondence will do more harm than good…..and as such, any such letters should not be handed to the person they relate to. I will be interested to see if any letters materialise during this process, that maybe could have the impact or effect of being a worthwhile mission, if handed to the narcissist involved. Thank you Cordelia.

    1. Well said Diva, I wondered the same thing as I submitted my letter to HG. Maybe the real exercise was for those who resisted sending a submission. If so, I failed.

      Knowing I would never send it to the narcissist I was involved with.
      I had said all I needed to years ago, I certainly have no desire to tell him what he is, nor do I want him back, nor do I hate him.
      It is what it is.
      I have now accepted that.

      I just wish us both to move on.
      Reaching out to him would only hamper that.

      1. Analise13……..no…..the ones that failed will be the ones that did not flex their fingers and do exactly as he requested!!!!!!…..Diva

      2. I do not mind flexing them for HG at times, but I will not for my ex.

        Plus, my letter is unsubstantial, I do not divulge relationship details, other then basics.

        I feel so sad for many, who have had such horrific and abusive experiences.

        But, so relieved on how they have managed to come out the other side of a toxic relationship with such clarity.

        I feel full of gratitude.

    2. Diva
      I got the impression these letters were purely for our own cathartic benefit – not something we’d ever give the narc. I thought about writing one to my mother and she’s been dead nearly 3 years TBTG. So it doesn’t matter if they’re fuel filled or would give them ammo to use against us. Maybe I misunderstood.

      1. Hi Windstorm2 ……My previous response to this article was a little unclear. I was actually making two separate points in my response……HG asked “How do you think the narcissist would react to receiving this?”…..my reply to that question was “Ammunition for future warfare and retaliation.”

        My own response regarding “ammunition” then got me wondering if there were any incidences In which these letters in REAL life “maybe could have the impact or effect of being a worthwhile mission, IF handed to the narcissist involved.”…….some individuals here have already in fact written such letters and sent them, while others have not.

        There will be no doubt some lesson or point to this exercise though……that’s for sure……Diva

  13. When I left my husband I wrote a letter explaining why to all the family with a copy to him. Seemed to be well received by them. He never mentioned it. It was not ugly or vindictive in any way though – emotionless but factual.

  14. Cordelia’s letter doesn’t mirror my sentiments or experience at all and I think it might provide the narcissist with some fuel or challenge fuel and injury, however, I did like the last paragraph. I have sent critical letters to 5 of my narcs and every letter was completely ignored. I hope I pissed them off though.

  15. Ty for sharing Cordelia. It mustve been stressful dealing with this while at work. Im lucky in that regard. I think you chose wisely not to tell his wife being she was pregnant. That wouldve caused her terrible stress. Im sure she has a hunch that he messes around and she will find out eventually.
    Good thinking to go to HR before he tried ruining your reputation behind the scenes.
    Its definitely a learning curve when you come thru narc abuse but you came out the winner bc you went no contact! 👍

  16. Well written sign off: low fuel, high criticism. I also liked that the letter is written by an IPSS who never consummated…I consider emotional intimacy to be as legitimately binding as sexual intimacy (well, for the empath).

  17. That’s what I call the “messy life”. There a lot of things to think about and sort out for author. Understanding the narcissictic dynamic, it would be much easier to harmonize everything.

    Tnank you, Cordelia. Your letter is very interesting from many points of view.

  18. Cordelia…a wonderfully full and emotionally ladened letter to your narcissist.

    My letter was so tame and tepid.

    HG, I love the painting image you chose for this article.
    What made you chose that artist and image?
    It touches me deeply.

      1. It really does HG. Your images are ideal. Your taste exquisite.

        I have four specific reproduction paintings in my den/ library. Where I read your blog mostly.

        One is this exact Browne painting, along with three similar paintings.

        One by Bouguereau, another by Diphinti and the last by Greuze.

        The last one, many find to be morbid. Yet, I find it beautiful and comforting.

      2. That in and of itself is a lesson here. I chose “Cordelia” as a pen name because, as I wrote the letter, I had in mind a character called Cordelia depicted in a painting called “Barrayar” by Scott Murphy. Google it, put it next to the image HG picked and you’ll see a shocking contrast. They could be the same person painted as a child and an adult (the dress color is even the same). I had a strong, victorious woman in my mind’s eye when I wrote; HG saw a child.

        But that is the point HG makes here, and the lesson that was so important for me to learn: My narc will only ever see me as a child. That’s why I never sent this. I will never send it.

        Writing it was quite cathartic, though. Thank you for the opportunity, and for the lessons you teach, HG.

  19. “You have terrible bad breath and your desire to extract my tonsils using your tongue is rather inefficient and unromantic.”

    ugh 🙁

  20. My story is different but I am in this phase: “All I need to do to wound you is simply to do nothing.” And this is not because I want to hurt, but simply, because I don’t feel anything anymore…

  21. Never let your enemy know, what you thought, did and want to do. It gives him too much knowledge to plan his next steps.
    So sad to say so. War strategy.

    To me it is understandable what she wrote, for others who do not know the narcissistic dynamic it is only a letter of a crazy,hateful and disoriented woman.

      1. Sarabella, it only strengthens him, that you are the crazy one and that you are to fight against. It does not have the effect you want to reach. If he is a mid range, he does not understand. You are the crazy one.

        If he is a greater he looks for revenge and you are never free. He will follow you where-ever you go and if it costs him a lot of money. He needs to destroy you. Who are you? You are not allowed to do this.

        If he is a lesser, you are at great chance to be beaten and punished if he meets you by chance.

        You can tell them, when they are on on their deathbed and have no power anymore. Will you do it at that time?

        Never tell them. They have a distorted mind.

      2. I wanted to reply to Mona’s answer to Sarabella…They still have their own agenda on their deathbed…had his friend come over so he could accept Jesus as his savior,,,,then lied, lied lied,! Said he never cheated on me(i knew of twice, thought that was it, though..) when I gently said I and he knew he had, he ignored me and went on to say I was the only woman he had ever loved, and that he left me a good chunk of money,,,(our money…)$60,000 in cash that I had just seen, $30,000 life insurance, and of course my personal account of $35,000. He was guarding my passbook so I wouldn’t leave him.Somehow he cashed out $10,000 of the life insurance after he gotten the terminal diagnosis, (I had just paid the premiums!) changed another to his estate for some reason (legally, I was his only heir.) He had also removed (and done what?) with the $60,000 cash, only to leave a sheet of notebook paper with a big black x scribbled over and over in the same spot, and I learned that he had already emptied my personal account 10 years earlier with the help of whomever he recruited to pretend to be me to commit this fraud.With tears in his eyes, he exclaimed that since I won’t have to spend our money on his medical expenses, NOW I would be allowed to get medical care for myself. Yep, even while dying, they just want to twist that knife. He broke his phone the day we called in hospice(it just was frustrating him, like I was when he tried to strangle me in front of his current best friend). When I got the phone back after repair, my eyes were really opened. Dug out other older phones and burner phones…all those other women in that phone!!! Yet I, who he had been married to for 35 years, wasn’t even listed in his contacts.Oh there were plenty texts to me saying how much he loved and appreciated me and my help and my caring for him, but all under an impersonal number, with no listing!! Lots of other texts to women, about he could feel for them, lonely, sad, etc. At least he didn’t leave any texts smearing me that I could find, but I had heard so many differing stories from this person or that, how I was a crazy bitch for hating his daughters mother even though that relationship predated ours. I didn’t even KNOW he had a daughter, who at 27 years of age definitely didn’t predate our 35 year marriage. I am no longer supporting that second family and A MILLION DOLLARS would be worth getting away from him. I get a totally stress free No Contact, and as on October 25, I am celebrating my first year of freedom!!!

  22. Whenever I took revenge, I was silently thrilled about it. Never felt the need to advertise it, since, for me, it is a completely personal thing, just like closure. The Narcissist is irrelevant. Now, if he receives a letter like this, especially if he is a Greater, he will find a way to twist the facts in his brain, so as to overcome the sense of defeat. They are rarely defeated, because everything is in the mind and their mind does not accept it.

  23. Cordelia’s relationship does not mirror mine, and it’s not my nature to fight back in such a way, but the pain and sense of betrayal beneath her righteous anger, yes, that mirrors my experience, and that is why I come back to this blog daily.

    I understand Cordelia completely, and I’m sure she would understand me. I’m not finding that sense of community in my real life, so thank you Cordelia for writing this note.I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a big hug.

    You too HG, although I’m sure you wouldn’t want that.<3

  24. Damn straight girlfriend.
    To us. Not supply. Solid.
    Great verbiage to end on.
    OUTFLANKED. OUTGUNNED.
    Collaborative effort. HG our comrade.

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