A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 18


I’ve decided to make it work with him. I’ve got a good life. I know you don’t agree. You don’t see the value in our relationship or in being a stay-at-home mom? You say I’m not capable of getting and keeping a job. Interesting, tell me again what your record length of time holding a position is? Do you remember mine?

I’ve shared my goals, and my hobbies, as well as my values. I’m no longer interested in trying to control how you see me. I’ve listened to you mention various women and how you didn’t think she’d amount to anything and now, “she’s selling expensive paintings…she’s a therapist…she’s a pharmacist…she’s a nurse married to a Dr….” I’ll be one of those girls you have talked about. I don’t need you to believe in me anymore, just like they didn’t. I noted that you didn’t seem happy for any of them, in fact, you seemed almost annoyed. 

You told me once that you’re a chameleon. I believe you now. Deep down, you’re empty. You know I’m not and that makes you angry. You can’t stand the thought that I gave up everything for you then you destroyed us and he took me back. He gives me a life that you can’t even aside from money and that drives you mad. It pisses you off that I could really love him and try to make him happy, even though you pushed me away. You chose your choices. With me, with everyone. You destroy your relationships and never apologize for one single thing. You know I’m right too so you’re going to give me the silent treatment. 

I know your tactics. I know what you are. Nobody means anything to you. People are like chess pieces. You manipulate to gather information. No direct questions. You don’t give direct answers. No ability to build or maintain a relationship. Only judgements and criticism. You can’t face anything that you’ve done and you want me to be responsible for all of it. 

I can be honest. I can and do admit to my fuck-ups. I own my part, he knows this, and we’ll work through it. He was right about you. You knew it too, that is why you couldn’t stand for us to be amicable. You are jealous of him. You say he’s a fool. Maybe you’re just a mean fuck-boy that had a normal life and likes to cry.  You love attention. Go log on to eharmony, any hoe will do. Did you ever think if I’m so awful, why does he try so hard to keep me? Didn’t you stop to think, maybe I give him what I offered you? You know the life you relentlessly pursued then threw away like garbage as soon as I was pregnant with the baby you said you wanted. 

Go find someone else to conquer. To numb your pain. You know you want to go slap a band-aid on it. Find someone to tell you everything you want to hear, find someone to listen to you embellish how horrible I am. I hope someone is free quick. I wish you luck finding someone else that will put as much effort and love into you as I have. I knew you were disordered and I still tried everything to support you. You don’t believe me? Narcsite.com. You fit the description of a Lower/Middle Mid-Range Narcissist with a mix of somatic/victim traits. All those times I empathized and tried to relate to you? Well, I am a dirty empath, you’ll find me. I can face that and I can fix it. 

It’ll take a long time for him to trust me. I have lost quite a bit of freedom. Yes, he knows everywhere I go. No, that doesn’t bother me. I still see my friends. Does that drive you crazy that he has that much control over me and you don’t? Have you ever wondered he knows where you are? That one day when your guard is down, maybe you’ll get the ass beating you’re so paranoid about? Probably because it happened to you before, and you won’t know where it came from because you fuck everyone over. 

You’re a prisoner of your dysfunction. I am not the prisoner you say I am. I’m happier than you’ll ever be. The thing is, you’re too scared to be happy. You shouldn’t be mad at me. You got what you wanted. I gave it all I had and you didn’t want it. So move on. Fuck as many women as you want and call it dating. Make them think you love them. It’ll be a good life for you. Hopefully, when you get that third nose job one of them will help you out again. 

23 thoughts on “A Letter To The Narcissist – No. 18

  1. Lisa says:

    Good letter TB! That last sentence….GOLD!!

  2. Sophia says:

    Right. lol

  3. cordelia says:

    Sophia, this is brilliant. His timing of leaving you…of course he left at the most brutal moment. I am so sorry. I understand so much of your emotion here. This letter clicked with me more than any of the others. I wish sending these wouldn’t be shooting ourselves in the feet. I hope it was cathartic for you.

  4. Tappan Zee says:

    Well done ✅

    Resonated with the prisoner part. They are the ones behind bars. Trying to con us into thinking we are locked up. An image of T-rex short arms trying to reeeach through their bars to grab us can read to mind. Thankyou writer for sharing and HG for the platform. Again!

  5. Thank you TB for sharing! I can relate.

    I appreciate all the women that shared their stories. I can relate to all of them in some way. It is nice to know that other people think the way I think. Sometimes I feel like nobody would understand what I have been through, so I just keep it to myself. So it’s nice to know there are others like me. Thank you.

    1. Sophia says:

      I’m sure most on here, especially HG, would understand. 😃🤗

  6. Salome says:

    Who made you this photo, dear HG?
    Nice lips…

    1. Noname says:

      Lol. And he doesn’t look as a Lower/Middle Mid-Ranger. His eyes (well, only one eye lol) could be easily to belong to a Greater. I see a lot of understanding of the deep things in that one healthy eye. Lol.

  7. Bibi says:

    What is it with somatics using ‘dating’ to really mean ‘fuck’? I knew one who used to say, ‘The girls I date,’ but be never ‘dated’ anyone. Just fucked them and kept them as part of his harem, till one day he announced he was now ‘committed’ to this mousy loser and boasted on social media about how great she was.

    She already had multiple kids by multiple guys and no education or life skills. Sounds like he is trying to convince himself.

    As far as I know they are still together, she also had his kid, and he still hasn’t married her. He has more tattoos though and continues to sculpt his body daily. I’m sure their apartment, shared with all those infants, smells like shit and applesauce.

    God, what have I been missing?

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      I just died…

      “shit and applesauce”

      you are my hero LMAO

    2. Sophia says:

      Sounds like you dodged a bullet. 😃 I love how HG has written about how to see the signs and confirm them.

  8. Noname says:

    When a man is capable to forgive his woman matter what, I consider him as a saint.

    Many people think, that it is a weakness, but NO, it is a strength. Enormous strength. You are lucky to have such man, TB. Cherish him.

    We all make mistakes and they permit us to learn and value the real things. I wish you good luck and thank you for interesting letter, TB.

    1. Sophia says:

      He’s a super empath. Lol

      So very true. So many life lessons learned through it all. It’s made me a better person.

  9. Just Me says:

    “You can’t face anything that you’ve done and you want me to be responsible for all of it.”

    Simple, clear statement that puts so much crazy into perspective. For me, the most powerful sentence in this letter. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Sophia says:

      You’re very welcome. 😃

  10. Kim michaud says:

    I can relate to a lot of this letter they’re always on the hunt they don’t want u but don’t want u with someone else glad u have someone new stay away

    1. Sophia says:

      Thank you. 😃

  11. narc affair says:

    I can really relate to your letter and im sorry youve had marriage struggles. Im presuming you were either committed or married when you were with your narc. Im not sure if you and him share a child or there was an abortion but regardless that adds lot of complexity to the situation. Youre very right in that the man your with sees your worth and ask yourself what it was that you were missing with him that made you vulnerable to your narc? Your situation is different than mine in that my narc never wanted me to leave my hubby he just wants me in his matrix. Im sure his matrix consists mostly of married women bc that way he gets his fuel and doesnt have to commit in a real sense. He admitted he was turned on by married women. Im sure its a thrill knowing he can provide what the spouse cant or wont. Huge power rush. Very fitting HG posted the married target article and so true all thats explained in it.
    This was a wake up call and a chance to build and strengthen your relationship with your significant other. Do you love him? I only ask bc he must love you so much to want to fix whats wrong and also bc you dont want to stay with him if you dont love him that wouldnt be fair to either one of you.
    Best of luck with moving forward and you are so much better off without the narc. He is going nowhere in life as far as meaningful relationships go. Pinpoint the vulnerability and work on fixing it 💓

    1. Sophia says:

      Narc Affair,
      I started bleeding on a morning he was set to leave town. As a nurse, he knew it wasn’t a good sign. He left me anyways and I went to ER by myself. He came back a few days later and told me he was seeing someone else.
      There was a 40-50% chance my baby would make it. My placenta was becoming detached. The situation had become so toxic I went against everything I valued and terminated. I’ll regret it until the day I die. It nearly destroyed me.
      What was missing between my fiancé and I? Mostly chaos, I suppose. It has never been perfect but far from dysfunctional. It was never functional with my MRN. Yet, he felt like home. What was it that drew you in to yours?
      I’ve been in therapy. I’ve journaled. I’ve read all about narcissism from numerous sources. HG has been the most helpful through it all. His blog, his books, his consultations. I’m slowly but surely getting through it. I wish you the best in your healing as well. 🦋💕

      Thank you for your kind words. 😊

      1. Diana says:

        I can not imagine your pain and what you have been through. I hope one day you will be able to forgive yourself. We have all made decisions based on lies. We’ve been changed. I like to think that there is some good to come from the aftermath. I’m just not sure what it is yet. You deserve peace and a happy life. Don’t forget your worth. Hugs

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi (((sophia)))…im so sorry you had to face that decision. In my marriage ive lacked the intimacy i really need and desire. My hubbys i suspect asexual. I had clues early on in our relationship. Hes just not “horny” and lacks a sexual drive. I ask myself if i knew he was like this when i met him should i have stayed? Yes bc i really love who he is and we have fun together. He has a lot of great things about him but this area has been a mismatch and one thats been a problem. Its not just the sex but the intimacy it feels dead to me and ive felt very lonely. Ive tried talking to him but he struggles to communicate about it. Thats been my vulnerability but also what drew me to my narc is hes “familiar”. Familiar in the way hes like my mum and i get validation from him which i never got from her. Unresolved issues basically. Im working on these areas. Its tricky tho when youre married to someone who is not the same as you in a very important area of a marriage or relationship.
        Wishing you happiness and peace ❤ ty for sharing your personal story ❤

    2. Noname says:

      no matter what*

  12. Ms A says:

    Hi TB – very well written letter. Probably many of us can relate to the situation you described. It sounds like someone I’ve got entangled with – exactly the same type of mid/victim/somatic narcissist. Poor Mr G, always a victim : ( Wanted to have the best, but could not handle the real woman with strong boundaries and healthy self-esteem. I know he suffered when I left him until he managed to recycle previous resource. It was so surreal.
    HG – thanks for the great work, I really enjoy reading your articles as they are beautifully written with the photos that spark the imagination.
    But, does the mid ranger put all of his women in the same pot, or he is aware of the differences, I mean is there ever the best?
    Thank you.

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