House of Discards

 

HOUSE OF-2

 

The discard. The end of the road, or so you might think. I have mentioned previously that I am of the view that the cessation of our current involvement with you would be better regarded as a dis-engagement because it is temporary in nature. When we bring the current relationship to a halt and there are many ways we achieve this, we will, at some point, return ready to hoover and therefore the discard is really a temporary act unless there is some intervening act. Nevertheless, I will continue to use discard in this article because it is common parlance in the narcissistic debate and it is faster to type than dis-engage. The act of discarding you can occur in many ways but they belong to one of the five houses of discarding. Whilst we are creatures of economy and conservation of our energy and thus exhibit repeated and patterned behaviours, we are not so intransigent as to adopt differing methods of discard should the occasion merit it. Those differences may manifest from victim to victim or you may find yourself on the receiving end of several variants of discards from our kind. Whatever they may be, you will find the method used will belong to one of these five houses.

  1. The Vanishing Act

Probably the most popular form of discard. As far as you were concerned we were both in a relationship. Admittedly, matters had been difficult if not downright awful for some time, punctuated with periods of respite, but now we have just vanished. You cannot get in contact with us. You have rung our number and if it has not been changed or you have been blocked, it has just rung and rung. You have left repeated voicemails asking where we are, each more fraught that the one before it. Your texts have filled up our inboxes. Enquiries of friends have proven fruitless. Your calls have always been held up by the switchboard or a secretary at work and you have seen neither hide nor hair of us. The days accumulate and there is just a void. This discard is a massive silent treatment. It will take you some time before you realise that you have been discarded and often this comes by way of inference and implication. You are not told to your face or in a message that it has ended. Instead you learnt that we have been seen with someone else in a romantic clinch in a bar or walking down the road. You keep trying to obtain answers but they are not forthcoming. It is bewildering upsetting and hurtful. It is all by design.

You may interpret this form of discard as appearing cowardly on our part, that we could not even face telling you that it was over. It is nothing to do with cowardice. This method of discard happens for the following reasons: –

  1. We are utterly infatuated with the new primary source which we have ensnared so she is all that matters and you are reduced to an afterthought purely for sucking the last few drops of fuel from, before we delete you;
  2. We draw one last burst of fuel from your frenetic attempts to contact us. We may see your messages, we may listen to your voicemails and we may even watch you desperately knocking at our door as we peek through the blinds. This all provides us with fuel. Even if we do not witness your attempts to contact us, we still draw fuel from knowing how you will have reacted to this callous act. Once we have drawn this fuel we then forget about you (until it is time to hoover) which makes the silent treatment that this form of discard is, easier to elongate;
  3. The manner in which it is utilised is designed to annoy and upset. You are made to feel worthless. You did not even merit an explanation. We see no reason to provide one to you. You are worthless in our eyes;
  4. It reinforces our idea of omnipotence. You are a chess piece which is picked up and moved round the board and we decide when and where you move.
  1. The Savage Strike

This is where you are told that it is at an end. There can be no doubt in your mind with this particular discard, compared to the Vanishing Act. You are told in no uncertain terms that it is over and you are told precisely why we have decided that it is over.

“I am sick of the sight of you. You are pathetic and I realised I cannot be with someone like you.”

“You are selfish. I do so much for you, yet you never think about me.”

“You think more of the children than you do of me.”

“You have put weight on. I am repulsed by you actually.”

“You don’t make any effort anymore. You dress down, never do anything and I hate it when a bitch lets herself slide.”

“You are a parasite and I cannot stand you taking from me any longer.”

These are but a selection of the horrible and harsh words that will be thrown in your direction. You will be the one to blame for the demise of the relationship. We have been forced to take this action and now we hate you for it. We will insult you, label you and lash out with a verbal tirade. Very little of this will be based on a foundation of truth, but this will not stop us. This approach is adopted for the following reasons: –

  1. To obtain fuel from you by making you upset and angry, hurt and fearful.
  2. To identify things which are wrong with you so that you obsess about them. This undermines your confidence and means you will struggle (along with everything else) to move forward which makes hoovering you easier.
  3. If you make changes based on our insults, then when we hoover, we will see this as underlining our power because you have acted on what we have said.
  4. There may even be some early triangulation by us comparing you to the new primary source if we decide to twist the knife and tell you that we are leaving you for someone else.
  1. The Wedge

This discard is so-called because it is designed to keep the door well and truly open for our return and an easy hoover at some future juncture. It lacks the viciousness of the Savage Strike but also applies doubt in the same way as the Vanishing Act but you will at least know why (or at least you will be given some suggestion as to why it is at an end). Expect to hear comments such as: –

“I need some space.”

“I have a lot on and I need time to deal with those other things.”

“I am not sure what I want at the moment.”

“I need time apart to figure a few things out.”

We will not point to anything specific but instead we will rely on amorphous and vague observations all revolving around needing time and space. The ideas behind this form of discard are as follows: –

  1. It makes us seem like some kind of deep troubled soul which is both intriguing (so it keeps your interest) and draws sympathy (fuel);
  2. It keeps you hanging on because we make it sound temporary in nature. We just need time to work things out (chase down the new primary source) and therefore you are given the hope that we will come back;
  3. It creates doubt and confusion so you will not move forward but instead you will hang around waiting for our return;
  4. You will keep trying to “check in” with us during this discard period which will give us further fuel and allow us to triangulate you (“she is just a friend who is helping me gain perspective”).

 

  1. The Golden Wedge

 

As above but you actually receive a host of back-handed compliments as part of the leaving speech.

“You have been nothing but good for me, but sometimes it is too much so I need a break.”

“You have done more than most, but even that has not been enough and I just some time to figure things out.”

“You are wonderful, wonderful in so many ways. I love you, but I am not in love with you, so I need to be apart until I get that feeling back.”

“Nobody is as special as you are but even then it is too much for someone like me and I need to stand back and decide what I need before moving forward. I know you will understand, you always do.”

Akin to the Wedge this is designed to: –

  1. Have you think we are still wonderful because we have been so complimentary about you even though we are ending the relationship. Fuel will be forthcoming;
  2. Sow doubt. If you are so good, why are we sending it? Vague and amorphous answers once again follow to keep you hanging on;
  3. The terms of departure are as amicable as possible meaning that the eventual hoover is very easy;
  4. You retain hope and keep “checking in” during the period of discard. We gain fuel.
  5. Our façade is maintained

5 The False Discard

 

This is not intended to be a discard although if that does actually happen (although it is rare) we will still manipulate the situation so that it turns out to be a win for us. We will appear earnest and upset as we trot out such comments as: –

“This isn’t working is it? I can see I am hurting you. Perhaps you should end it?”

“Just let me go, please.”

“I am not good enough for you. Please, do the right thing and end it.”

“We’ve taken this as far as we can. It has been wonderful but I think you should draw a line under it, don’t you?”

“Please, just put me out of my misery. I cannot do this to you anymore.”

The intention is to cause you to be alarmed at the suggestion that this should end and therefore you will pour fuel our way with your upset and concern. It allows us to assert more control as we extort from you, your additional submission and obedience as conditions for us staying. Accordingly, we make you upset and anxious before agreeing to continue. We have gained fuel, gained new concessions from you, gained further fuel from your relief but also sowed seeds of doubt which will keep you on your toes going forward.

If in the rare event that you do what we want, we still win. We will have a new primary source waiting as a contingency and then we can tell all and sundry that you ended the relationship. This means we can seek sympathy from other sources, cast you as the villain (assisting our smear campaign) and engaging with the new primary source in the knowledge that you ended it so we are free to choose who we want to be with (conveniently forgetting that we of course had them already lined up and we pressed your finger on the trigger which killed the relationship).

87 thoughts on “House of Discards

  1. victim725 says:

    Been through many of them. Ghost, Ghost, Ghost, “friends”, I walked away, ignored a hoover of happy birthday but caved 2 years later and emailed, got blocked facebook for a day, now not blocked but silent treatment, mind you 15+ investment years so I assume disengaged/shelf and probably accidentally opened myself for further hoovers.

  2. Cassie H says:

    Hello HG, thank you for your helpful insights. I was discarded in a way that is consistent with everything that you have written except for the fact that my narcissist did not have a replacement IPPS lined up before he discarded me, nor did he have an extra amount of NISS and no IPSS. In fact, after the break up, I heard through mutual friends that he was scrambling to find new dates on dating websites (with no luck) and seemed to be frantic in his search for attention on social media. According to your articles, it sounds like what happens when the partner leaves the narcissist before he has time to prepare. Is there any reason he might have left me without a reliable supply source in place? Was he expecting me to come groveling back and not treat this like an actual breakup?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Disengaged not discarded.

      You may well have brought about a disengagement when there was no replacement IPPS. This can happen. See the article ‘5 Reasons Why We Disengage From You’.

  3. Siv says:

    Omg!!

    Not a relationship, but a friendship (or so I rhought). I guess it is somehow easier to get away, but still they try to hoover back switching from niceness to veiled threats to niceness again while I ignore their atempts

    After much reading in the net I understand the silent treatment, the “punishment” for whatever reason they had in mind, the blocking and unblocking cellphones with no previous disagreements or fights, their name dropping, stories that did not match up and alowly but steadily accusations and hot and cold behavior

    And the rages, blame shifting, half discard… only to text and phone a while later like nothing happened with an invitation to a party or some other excuse

    I have remained silent once I had a suspicion that I was dealing with narc behavior and after the last trap turned into an screaming string of absurd accusations. I discarded, they want me back to do the discard themselves, while I collect the evidence of crazyness behavior

    Excuse my language, but that is the type of people who would fart in a room full of people and angrily turn into somebody and forcing them to apologize for the gas, then getting horribly mad when you act surprised because of their illogical actions.

    I do not think I even ran into such irrational behaviors before and I did not know what to think, until I started searching for answers and my gut was telling me something I could not explain

    I was not even involved in high school drama as a teen and here I am, an adult, trying to avoid hoovers of a friend that one day loves you like family and the next accuses you of abusing them while you remain silent.

    The blog is nice interesting. I will be reading, because this people seem to be carbon copied and I suspect, even if I do not show signs of life, they will try to peek into my life, heck, they even tried to contact my family and friends

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Welcome on board Siv.

  4. Sophia says:

    HG after my mid range ex broke up with me and i went no contact he hoovered once two months later. The day he hoovered was the anniversary of the first time he said I love you and he brought me one of my magazines that got delivered to his house. Do you think he hoovered because the magazine came to his house or because of the anniversary or both? I am just tying to prevent another Hoover as much as possible.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Both were hoover triggers that were activated. The Hoover Execution Criteria was met for a number of reasons, although I cannot be more specific as I do not know your full circumstances, although one factor which lowered the hoover bar is that he knows where you live and presumably it is not far from where he lives.

  5. Sarah says:

    I lived in one of these states almost the entire 3 years. I got another “I need an indefinite break as I’m overwhelmed with my new job”(which he said he took because it was close to me). For me I was utterly spent. It’s now 5 days No Contact. It’s nog easy but it will be better. Also reading “chained” you book about co-dependents. One paragraphs about tearful pleas just making them more powerful stopped me in my tracks from reaching out. Thank you for you insight.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  6. Kim michaud says:

    Does the type of narc correspond with the type of discard they will use

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is some correlation yes.

  7. Felica says:

    HG- If a MR disengaged from me (he actually broke up with me) and I went no contact does that mean the only time he will hoover me is when I enter his 6th sphere? Have you written any blogs or books about it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      If you stay out of the spheres of influence, then a hoover will only happen when there is a Hoover Trigger (caused by you entering the 6th sphere over which you have no control) AND the hoover execution criteria are met. Please see ‘Spheres of Influence’ and ‘Hoover Time’.

  8. Survivor says:

    During my final discard, he said “Well you let me get away with it all. I’m a city man and I have my friends come to ME” (emphasis on the word ME). I felt numb, I couldn’t breathe, I wasn’t sure what he meant by his friends go to him and then he proceeded to tell me how “everyone loves her” (her being the woman he triangulated me with, the woman whom he insisted was his housemate, the woman whom he insisted was stoic, harsh, ugly and had a rotten temper) etc etc. I remember feeling dizzy but you know what I remember most of all? His bodily scent. When once upon a time, I loved his natural scent, I found that it smelled differently, I don’t know how to describe it, but it was like with his mask dropping and basically telling me it was a set up from beginning to end, the man before me became someone I didn’t know, more because he smelled differently than anything else. His words, the discard, the whole damn relationship, only really impacted me a week or so later.

  9. abrokenwing says:

    Now , as I try to look at things from his perspective i understand that i didn’t gave him a choice.. he had to dis – engage with me.. but the way he did it still hurts.

    1. Sandra Muller says:

      great you are free!

      1. abrokenwing says:

        Yes, i should be grateful.

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      ABW—don’t you dare let your ET con you. he had a choice from day one. to hurt you. dupe you. and all the other glorious manifestations. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. the ending is inevitable.

      1. abrokenwing says:

        Tappan Zee,

        Thanks for your comment.

        I challenged his control which was terrifying and damaging to him. Therefore to regain and remain in control he had to dis engage from me. It was his defensive mechanism and the consequence of my actions.

  10. Jude the Obscure says:

    Thank you for another insightful article. I received the Wedge, which, after a great deal of pain and suffering, I went no contact. I realize after reading this, though, that I had been subjected to a few False Discards during the last year of the relationship. I made the concessions and accepted the great diminishment in contact and affection as resulting from her “depression and anxiety” but it would seem that I was most likely replaced as IPPS and demoted to IPSS or Dirty Little Secret whilst being led to believe that I was still in the Formal Relationship. Would this be the case? She is an extremely passive- aggressive Victim Midrange. Thank you again.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  11. Nicole says:

    Hg can someone be the narcs girlfriend, fiance and/or wife and still only be a secondary source or does them publicly claiming you make you a primary?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on the extent of the proximate interaction. The public declaration of somebody does not make them a primary, indeed some of our kind will have the IPPS and a Shelf IPSS who is also know to certain friends and family too.

      1. Nicole says:

        Hg I was known to his entire family and engaged for a year to him before I called off our wedding. Does that mean I was most likely primary?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Did you live together? Did you spend a sizeable amount of time physically proximate to one another every day or nearly every day?

      2. Nicole says:

        Hg – No, we didn’t live together, he lives alone in a studio apartment and I live with my roommate. I saw him a lot but not every day.

  12. Just Me says:

    I brought about my own savage strike but he never followed through with leaving. He wasn’t done punishing me. I did the “unforgivable” and decided my punishment was over… I called his bluff.

  13. Conby says:

    My Mid-Range used to me a discard that I could define a way in between of the wedge and the golden wedge, almost contemporary to a preventative hoover, three days after I told him we should end it up.

    Then he vanished telling me that later on he would have liked to see each other, but not in the immediate in order not to hurt me.
    A month later I wrote to him an email (before reading HG…I wouldn’t now, because I know it is fuel) where I told him what I thought about him and that I didn’t have any intention to see him anymore as we were not friends and I didn’t need to help him with his mental problems. Since then silence.

    I applied a total NC and he is not allowed to contact me with any device or instrument, as he (his family and his friends) is blocked in any possible way, everywhere.
    I suspect he uses some fake IG accounts to check up on me, but I am not sure. In any case, I blocked also those accounts.

    I am rather sure that his new victim is not providing him lot of fuel, due to the fact that some common friends told me that he is online on social networks and WhatsApp almost 20 hours per day (thing that he didn’t while we were together).

    According to what is written in article, the two houses of discard used by him should be almost the best for a hoover, but it did not happen in five months.

    I would like to think that I am safe, but I am scared of what HG wrote about the fact that as soon as you think about it, hoover happens 😉

    1. PinkBrokenwings says:

      Mine just did a positive Hoover after 6 weeks … and it was just like when I first met him

      1. HG Tudor says:

        How did that manifest PBW?

        1. PinkBrokenwings says:

          HG…. he sucked me right back in… that old charm …. flipped thru pictures on my phone looking for certain things….mentioned he didn’t have my number he once again says deleted… flirted tremendously … so not sure 100 if wants me back or just my attention … fuel

          1. PinkBrokenwings says:

            And HG just like that he is asking for sexual favors. . So was that a discard or shelf placement ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Well if he has hoovered you and is seeking sexual favours he is still engaging with you, so neither.

          3. PinkBrokenwings says:

            So what was it during all those weeks …. ? Yesterday he wanted favors today he is too busy flirting with s customer…. he won’t give me his number because I had blown up the phone prior with criticism … so what is it?

  14. IJ says:

    Wow. “The Wedge”. #1 Deep troubled soul. Yep. He even said, after we fought about his silent treatments, and that I felt like he was shutting me out, that “The door is never closed. I just may not always be standing as firmly in the doorway…” Layer upon layer, my wanna-be denial that he IS this, is crumbling….

  15. Antifragile says:

    Wow!..
    Thank you so much for this extremely practical system, HG!
    Narcshit bit by bit…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome AF.

  16. Sandra Muller says:

    i learned about narcs when I was first discarded by a guy who I think was a lesser. He gave me the silent treatment. I felt so unbalanced. I googled the behavior because it seemed so weird, and learned about narcs.

    I have now applied that technique of “silent treatment discard” to some of the proxies that another narc has been sending me. I think it is an effective technique to get back at losers. The best friend of my most recent narc suddenly started talking to me and hitting on me. I thought that was super weird. I stalked him on social media and saw that he had pics with the ex of my narc. They were hugging, holding hands ..WTF???
    So it seemed to be that this guy was a proxy for my narc. The modos operandi was: he would hit on my narc’s ex-gfs, and then would dump them. The girl would feel bad and come running back to the narc. I decided to then be super flirtatious with this proxy. I gave him a golden period. I elevated him. He felt like a god. Then, I suddenly dumped him. I went silent. He tried desperately to talk to me again.

    Fuck him. He is a weak mind that is doing everything my narc asks from him, even if that means hurting girls. He deserves nothing.

    I have not told others I have done this. i felt a bit powerful that he was so desperate. But, I would not do this to someone I love. The discard unbalances the other person so you can’t collaborate with them. I need a lover I can work with.

    Has anyone else done these techniques to get revenge?
    HG: Is this use of proxies a sign that this narc was a greater? Or is it not really that sophisticated technique? I mean, I figured it out so maybe it was not a very good technique.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Sandra, all narcissists will make use of proxies. Lesser will do so in a rudimentary fashion, Mid Rangers do so because they like other people doing their dirty work and they are cowardly and Greaters in order to ensure there is trail leading to them and because we enjoy puppeting people.

  17. Bibi says:

    My discard was the 1st one. He stopped messaging me all of a sudden. ‘What is wrong?’ I asked.
    ‘Nothing is wrong,’ he replied. ‘I kind of have a girlfriend now.’

    And that was it. Discarded like trash, in favor of a mindless airhead dope. The asshole told me he loved my intelligence, then discarded me for an untalented, unambitious, uneducated…

    I should stop being so mean. She had his kid…another out of wedlock. That’s number 3 for her. She is stuck. Her life is fucked.

    Thankfully that is not me.

    1. Sandra Muller says:

      thank god you got away. How long have you been NC?

      1. PinkBrokenwings says:

        HG and just like that … like nothing h appenned he is back asking for sexual favors….

  18. Sillyolperson says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    My friend gave me “The Wedge” …”didn’t know what he wanted”, ” had to sort his head out”, “needed time to just think”, “I have to be me” ! (Whatever that meant)
    Well, I gave him his “wedge” and I’ve never looked back and never will! His loss not mine! My motto to him was “I never go back” , because he used to tell me he went back to his exes! If he really had any! Haha
    Guess I never know !
    Thank you, great article !

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  19. Amanda Snapchat says:

    My narcs have never dumped me. I have always escaped. I have done disappearing act. For the latest narc I tried to do the wedge (“It’s not you!..it’s me babe!”). But I think he realized it and he was getting very upset and started to gaslight me. We had a huge fight where he called me crazy etc (I had never seen this side of him. I think I was his dirty little secrete so I was in general in a golden period). He then hung up on me. I didn’t call back. I am now running. I used his silent treatment to get ahead start to run for my life.

    Hey are you missing #4? Is #4 when you are dumped on his pro narc website? :'(

  20. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, in this article, “I need space” appears under the wedge discard. In my case as a secondary source, the narc asked for some space for right now for him and his primary to handle some of their personal matters and said he would be in touch soon. You told me this was me being placed on the shelf. Is the difference here (discard vs being put on the shelf) because of the dynamic (primary vs. secondary source even if a similar language is used)?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Correct.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thanks so much, HG! It’s amazing how much I have learned from you! I hope you will consider a teaching career at some point!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome. I am already teaching now.

      2. Insatiable Learner says:

        Sorry, HG, a quick follow-up question if that’s ok, why did the narc say, “please give us some space for right now (him and his IPPS) if you want what’s best for us to work on some personal issues” instead of saying “please give me space.” Would appreciate it if you could please kindly interpret this for me. Thank you ever so much!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Reinforcing he is with someone else and not you to provoke you.

  21. robins359 says:

    Well, my last words to him were “I am going to block you because I feel we have outgrown each other and as you agreed, “we have run the course”. I AM FINISHED, whether HE is or NOT!!

  22. Kim michaud says:

    Both of my discards were vicious strikes I was told I’m an alcoholic even though I don’t drink that I’m so ugly no man would ever look at me that I’m a disgrace to my family and they hate me that every man leaves me cuz I’m mentally I’ll that I look and dress like I’m homeless that I steal from my child that I take drugs even though I never even smoked weed that I dishonor him through my actions that I’m good only for sex that I’m an embarrassment to him that I’m cheap and miserly that I’m too old ugly homely and poor and on and on

    1. robins359 says:

      OMG!!! I hope you don’t take ANY of those statements to heart!! They are all pigs! They put you down to make themselves bigger. . . Don’t believe a word of what they are saying to you. (I know, my family has put me down so much that it took me a long time to get a shred of self-esteem)

      1. kimmichaud1 says:

        Thank u the first time he did it I took some of it to heart the second time not so much yes I let their be a second time . His criticism of me is so over the top that luckily sometimes it makes me laugh his speciality is putting me down and he comes up with things that have no basis in reality so instead of hurting me it makes me laugh but there’s a few things he said especially in the beginning when he first began insulting me that still haunt me

        1. robins359 says:

          They are good at that, aren’t they? I have a few choice words spoken to me from him that linger still.

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      KIM M— all of those words pierce. i wish that words were “fuel” to me. and that i wasn’t “so sensitive” blah blah. none of what he said is true. i wish he never said them. knowing the truth is one thing. erasing how the words made you feel is a whole other ball game. perfect stranger says that stuff it may be shrugged off. but the intimate partner who loves and cares for you that we shared our inmost selves to? i cannot think of worse pain. confusion. cruelty. et al. cannot just shake it off. but i believe you can heal. and rise up.

  23. 12345 says:

    After two months of asking him via text what I had done wrong I got this….

    “Dear 12345, I am just overwhelmed by my responsibilities and job. I don’t have time for a relationship which is not fair to you. It is what it is. I don’t mean to be cruel. You know what you mean to me. You are wonderful. And you have done nothing wrong. Don’t even think it. You are still adored by me. XO, narc.”

    My response…

    “Thank you for finally telling me. Take care.”

    I was devastated but wanted to appear a gracious loser. So began a deeper journey in trying to learn what was so wrong with me. This would eventually lead me to HG. HG’s house was the last on the block for me as I had looked everywhere else. It turned out to be the most affirming and welcoming stop I had made in my recovery. So…I stayed.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      And you are a welcome guest 12345.

    2. robins359 says:

      HG makes sense of the ridiculous. If not for him, we would have gone insane!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Ridiculous to you, which of course it has to be in order for us to be effective, but I am pleased you have avoided insanity, you might have bought some steak and put in your fridge!

        1. robins359 says:

          Oh ho!!! Very funny. 😉

        2. robins359 says:

          If I ate steak, certain things wouldn’t taste as good as they do now! (and they taste pretty darn good!!)

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Such as?

    3. robins359 says:

      By the way, I think this is a “Dear Jane”cover letter
      for every narc on the planet!!

      1. 12345 says:

        Pretty much boilerplate, I’d guess,unless they feel inclined to let you know you’re an uneducated foolish whore who is only good for fucking and discarding. I guess if choosing I’d prefer the boilerplate Dear Jane bullshit.

    4. Tappan Zee says:

      12345– beware. he’s not lying about adored. nice work side stepping. keep on.

    5. Conby says:

      exactly the same words used to me. looks like a nightmare…

  24. Ltningstrike says:

    I am currently under the Savage Strike discard. After giving him a second chance (to destroy me) I’m sure I have proven to be a good source of fuel. All my things are packed and I’m almost all the way out the door. He is still showing me that I do not exist in his world and is hurriedly replacing all the items I have taken out of the house. I have never been subject to such a violent discard. My fear is that since I’ve been such a good source of fuel both negative and positive, I will not be strong enough to battle any hoovering if he ever tries. But he made it clear under no uncertain terms that I am the scum of the earth and this is all my fault. I get the sneaky feeling he will try again .. I really don’t want to be in the position of having to defend my wellbeing. Best course of action?

    1. robins359 says:

      “Blame shifting” . . . Make a list of all the horrible things he has done to you and one for all the good. The first list will FAR out-weigh the second!! Read it frequently.

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      Lightning—goso/nc. stick around here. read read read and share. hg will point out methods. pack your bags with knowledge. every last shard.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Wise words.

        1. Kimi says:

          Ah HG, they are your words originally. You are achieving one of your main objectives!

    3. K says:

      Ltningstrike
      The Formal Relationship might be over but the Narcissistic Relationship is forever and there is always the risk of a hoover. You need to GOSO (get out and stay out) and begin No Contact. By remaining no contact you will not enter the first 5 spheres of influence and you will not trigger a hoover. I found the articles below very helpful. I am sorry about what you are going through. Your situation is very difficult and you deserved better.
      Your best course of action is to stay here and keep reading until you can navigate the emotional sea.

      https://narcsite.com/2017/10/13/surely-thats-the-end-yes-4/
      https://narcsite.com/2017/08/28/the-spheres-of-influence-2/https://narcsite.com/2017/10/05/raising-the-hoover-bar-4/

      1. Ltningstrike says:

        I slept with him last night for the last time. It was for me and not for him.. my decision. … anyway, he kissed me goodbye and went to work. Later this morning, i texted as to why I’m not getting a goodbye … he hasn’t answered. Maybe someone else can answer that. He had a perfect opportunity this morning. =perplexed

      2. K says:

        Ltningstrike

        “Once again these apparent contradictions only serve to prolong your confusion. Indeed, so much of our behaviour is inherently contradictory because in being so, this allows us to generate misunderstanding and misery on your part. That equates to fuel, that equates to stopping you moving forward and escaping us and it equates to creating something that we will come back to.”

        You are letting your emotional thinking prevent you from moving forward. You need to GOSO ASAP. When you have the time read the article below, it may prove helpful.

        https://narcsite.com/2017/09/29/why-does-the-narcissist-get-rid-of-you/

    4. K says:

      Ltningstrike
      Doe he have an IPSS (intimate partner secondary source) lined-up?

      1. Ltningstrike says:

        Yes. I’m fairly certain he does

      2. K says:

        Ltningstrike
        He has a replacement lined-up and it is quite evident he is done with you, so there will be no preventative hoover. You should GOSO and establish N/C while he is busy with his new toy and read as much as you can, so you will be prepared when he hoovers you. I do not foresee an I.G.H. (initial grand hoover) but there will be follow up hoovers. I found this article very helpful. Is your narc a lesser or mid-range?

        https://narcsite.com/2017/02/02/shall-i-deploy-a-follow-up-hoover-2/

        1. Ltningstrike says:

          Yes. It is similar to that however, when asked if I was going to get a goodbye, he’s been stringing me along. I presume that at this point he thinks that I will accept that. I know there will be no IGH. But so far it has been follow up Hoovers ( did you make it to where you were going ok? Just wanted to check on you or I’m going to get something to eat, I’ll talk to you later or to see if I left with a tv of his ) He knows I want that goodbye. He’s had several chances since I left. He also likes to sit on the phone with me in silence. Going about our Day but he’s just there.. on the phone. I cannot wrap my head around this person. He doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want me completely away either even if I am all black. He makes me want to scream.

          1. K says:

            All narcs want to make you scream Ltningstrike. You are NOT going to get your goodbye. He is stringing you along for fuel and because he can. He is superior and you are his plaything. You will not be able to wrap your head around him or the situation. Right now your focus should be ZERO contact. Understanding comes later. You have been painted black and you will get no closure from him; it is time to leave and go N/C.

    5. K says:

      Ltningstrike
      I reread your comment and you have moved out (good) and it is clear that he is hoovering, however, if you are not ready to go N/C that is perfectly fine, please, keep reading so you can learn how to protect yourself.

      1. Ltningstrike says:

        K- I have since blocked him on all social sites and well as my phone and texts. I sent a last text to him (which had to do with my feelings) and said my own goodbye. He followed up with a shitty phone call just to get the last word in .. he said goodbye but also said “ talk to you later… he was double speaking me so I helped him out by blocking him .. I at least have some water wings now to float in my emotional sea rather than drowning. Thank you so much for your insight. It has helped tremendously as well as HG’s posts and books. I’ve read nearly all of them. Having to re-read some…so I’m clear in my mind what is logic based and what is emotion based. Of course the nightmares may not stop for another month but they will. I am sure of it. I’ve been down this road with him before just not quite as badly.

      2. K says:

        Ltningstrike

        You are welcome! They really break your heart and it feels terrible but I am very happy you found your way here. You have done quite a bit of reading and that is very impressive. Keep it up and you will feel better, eventually. It is a difficult road to travel and you are in the right place.

  25. PinkBrokenwings says:

    It’s all just sad and hurtful on both parties

    1. Kimi says:

      Pink broken wings,

      I don’t think the Narc suffers, unless you surprise and end the relationship before the Narc has readied his/her fuel supply, usually with a new Primary Source. The Narc moves forward, delighting in his new supply and never gives you a second thought until it’s possibly time to hoover! And yes, it is so very painful for the Empath! Devastating!

      1. PinkBrokenwings says:

        Kimi I was just a dls

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