You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

19 thoughts on “Tenacious

  1. Scout says:

    “You try because you believe in hope.” Hope is nothing but an empty box, I’ve learnt that much, so no, I don’t hold out any hope for any relationship that is a one-way-street and with most men, narcs or not, this is usually the case – the onus is always on women to ‘understand’ men while they expect us to comply. It’s hopeless imo!

  2. narc affair says:

    Im tenacious to a fault but what ive learned is it stems from a codependancy on the narc. For so long ive wanted to believe in him and his goodness bc to not would mean having to face the fact i shouldnt be involved with him. I think so many its not just a matter of loving that person and trying desperately to make it work just from that love itself but rather not wanting to be without someone in their lives. If a person was entirely independant of the narc they may still have hope and try but theyd not go thru countless narc cycles. That is not wanting to let go and usually stems from a codependancy. Narcs love people who are codependant on them as its total control and enables manipulation.

  3. Antoinette Rosato says:

    How do I maintain no contact when children are involved ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Consult with me and I will set out what you need to do.

  4. Congrats to you Robins359.

    Hold strong!!!

    I’ll be at a year on Oct 25!!


    It’s the best!!!!

  5. 12345 says:

    Every word of this is so incredibly true. While painful, it is mercy that he is done with me. I’m ashamed to say I would probably release all of that tenacity again under different circumstances. Yes, I’ve had growth. But what if he said, “oh, babe, aren’t you weary of swimming the emotional sea? You’ve only come halfway with so far to go. Don’t do this to yourself, my love. I can give you rest and passion if you just try again,”. What would I do?

    The unattainable is where I have always looked for my worth. “Choose me!” is my mantra. I often wonder what I would do if chosen by the narc. Would I become complacent? Would I be the bored one that cheats? Would I long for the elusive golden period from anyone just for the sake of feeling it again? Could I eat vanilla ice cream for the rest of my life?

    I hope if ever hoovered to the degree of breaking I would schedule an emergency session with HG. And then another. And then another. Until I was pulled back from the ledge.

    It is certain I’ll never need the answers to the questions in my head.

  6. robins359 says:

    I have finally let. go! Freedom tastes magnificent!!!

    1. Congratulations, you made it 1 year No Contact from your narcissist. Robins359.

      October 20th

      1. robins359 says:

        Thank you for the “congratulations”!! I didn’t make it a whole year though. Last month I contacted him. He came over and we had sex but afterwards, lying in bed, I told him “I think we have outgrown each other”. He replied “yes, we seem to have run the course”. I told him I was going to block his number because this relationship was finished, and he agreed. All the memories I had of him being the best kisser and the best at sex just didn’t feel like that anymore to me. So, I will accept your “congratulations” because I finally feel free of him.

      2. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

        You discovered who he really was, a fraud.

        1. robins359 says:

          The spell he cast over me has definitely lifted!

    2. Scout says:

      I’m glad you’ve outgrown him, Robins. Brave and wise move. Good luck!

  7. E says:

    Trust me narc!! Im done with you! What are you gonna do about it? Bite your elbow? ha ha ha

  8. D.L. says:

    I meant there was no golden period.

  9. D.L. says:

    I keep hearing about this golden period and there was one with mine. Maybe it took a few months to see all the rage, hate, and envy. There were years and years with no intimacy. I believe what I had with him was a trauma bond. We were wound mates that’s it. He discareded I saw him once after discard, he tried to Hoover. I got away and broke all contact. We has no golden period or intimacy perhaps this is why the bond was broken. This works in my favor.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      May well have been a Lesser and a Bronze Period, DL.

      1. D.L. says:

        Thank you G.H. Because of the manipulations and it seemed like he was intentionally trying to break me. He fits most of your descriptions of a mid-range. There were other issues as well. I have reasons to believe he has ssa.

      2. D.L. says:

        Thank you HG

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome DL.

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