Ever Presence

everpresence 

Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you. It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal. We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.

What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences? Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?

The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories. The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach. The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation. The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.

The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence. He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”. Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered. The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.

The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence. The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.

The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like. This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck. All of it is calculated and planned, even though there may not be vast differences between what is applied to each of his victims. After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.

47 thoughts on “Ever Presence

  1. DebbieWolf says:

    K

    Haha… no you are not alone.. defo ever presence of our mentor HG.. rightly so. Good teachers are never forgotten. 📚😊

  2. DebbieWolf says:

    Thank you Windstorm2 for your wonderful post about healing and things getting better and better.
    I needed it today. 🌹
    Your continued kindness to all is a welcome ever presence .. the best kind.

  3. Not So Sad says:

    And I should add being triangulated..

    Quote from FB.. to it’s IPPs ” If my ex could see this she’d be running to the police with some made up ” bullshit story ”

    She’s a lying manipulative bitch.. If she’s not stalking you she’ll have someone else watching you..”

  4. Not So Sad says:

    Good evening HG . 🙂 On another balmy October evening in the UK

    Once again I’d really like your thoughts on a really piss taking situation by ” IT” and it’s IPPS .

    So the story is that I’ve ignored every single threatening /derogatory / harassing comment made by it’s IPPS .

    Today they both took it to a new level . Though ” It’s been blocked . it’s past my email address onto her .. obviously to stir up shit as his IPPS is now using it to sign me up to dating sites among other things .

    HG If I’ve learned from everything from your site . Am I right in thinking that

    1. I’ve entered one of his spheres ( probably six ) ( maybe five)

    2. He’s devaluing her & looking for more fuel

    3. Still trying to ” control” me through her which is why he gave her my email address ? so she can attack me ..

    4 .. If it’s IPPS lives so far away as in 1000s of miles & different continents there must be a finite supply of fuel surely

    Thank you as always .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Yes.
      2. Not necessarily. Yes with regard to fuel.
      3. Yes.
      4. She may not be an IPPS.

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Thanks for confirming this HG ,

        Needless to say I’ve stayed full NC & not reacted ..:) ..

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good.

  5. K says:

    HG
    In light of “No. 3 Talking about us” being a form of ever presence, I can banish my MMRN IRL, but I would like to continue to write about him/my ULN/or family to share my experience so people can learn, however, my goal is indifference towards all of my narcs.

    1. K says:

      Ever presence really is fading, I no longer see HG Tips on the tea box anymore. To be honest, it made me a little sad, HG.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        You have gone to Tetley? You traitor, you.

        1. K says:

          Tetley! God no! I still have a box of PG tips and Tea India Assam.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Purchase some peppermint too.

          2. K says:

            Capital idea! I will order some after lunch, HG.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Jolly good. HG approves.

      2. DebbieWolf says:

        Haha K

        I did that a little bit with HGs ever presence. I’ve recently bought a TV and I was talking about it here and there and I kept saying HG TV instead of HD TV!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Makes a change from people addressing me as HD.

          1. DebbieWolf says:

            Haha..well at least it stands for High Definition.

      3. K says:

        DebbieWolf
        Thank you, I was wondering if I was the only one that was affected by ever presence with a narcissist over the internet and I am delighted to know that I am not alone in that respect. What a relief.

  6. Twilight says:

    Hmm there is a scent that I will admit everytime one of my employees comes in it does take me back to a time…..he smells just like my ex.
    Even after 8 years when I smell the same scent my husband use I think of him. They both smelt amazing….it doesn’t affect me like it did but it does cause me to still think of them.

  7. narc affair says:

    Everpresence hurts like pouring salt on a wound. Everytime ive disengaged in the past from my narc everpresence has worn me down. 7 years of injecting himself in my life and mine in his has made everpresence pretty much out of everything in my day. Songs get me the most. It doesnt have to be a song thats “ours” just any song bc i was wish him when it came out and any memories associated with that time.
    My dog is another one bc hes made a big deal over her. My hobbies bc hes complimented me on them so many times. Memories ugggh they can be so painful. Everpresence is a punch to the gut and takes the wind out of you. They say 3 months to detox from the narc during no contact but everpresence is there to challenge you every step of the way.

    1. 12345 says:

      Three months? I’d never heard that. If that’s the case than I’m not excelling in detox. It’s been almost a year and just this month I’ve been able to really enjoy a song that I once was crushed by due to associating it with him. Just like you it wasn’t our song but the nonetheless it was him. I didn’t even cry. Milestone!

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi 12345…id read 3 months to detox but not necessarily be over the narc. Detox in the way of being in a fog and not able to function well. As far as getting over your narc id read half the amount of time you were with them for example if you were with them 3 yrs it could take up to 1 and a half yrs from no contact. Im not sure if its accurate but ive come across this. Every person is different tho so i dont think theres an exact prediction when you will be healed.

        1. 12345 says:

          Thanks NA. That does makes sense.

    2. Mercy says:

      Narc Affair, I have also read half the time in the relationship. Kinda makes you want to get out sooner rather than later 😊. I do however think that it depends on the person. If we don’t take a active role in our recovery and train our minds to reject the everpresence, then we will NEVER move on. I read about so many victims that live in their own misery for many years because of narc abuse. It’s not enough to escape. That is only the beginning.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Mercy
        That is so true! Not only does the person who escaped often think it’s all over and they’re healed, often everyone around them thinks so too. If you can just walk away healed, then it wasnt an “escape.” If you were truly entangled with a narc, it takes a long time to recover after getting out.

      2. Mercy says:

        I agree Windstorm. I am in the beginning stages of NC but after 6 years I finally feel strong enough to do this. No sadness for a relationship lost (it has been lost for a long time) no more thoughts of revenge or wanting to see if I can still pull him back. I just feel indifference and it is a comforting feeling.

        I do miss the addiction to the craziness. I find myself picking up the phone constantly to check the daily drama that he likes to throw at me. Now there is nothing and I don’t know what to do with myself to fill that void.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Mercy
          Take up hobbies, travel, study something new, volunteer in a school or charity – those worked for me. I remember when I first moved out, I felt lost. I had to search around a couple years to find what I really wanted to do and how I wanted to live.

          If you’re like I was, this may be the first time in your life that you actually have freedom, the first time you really can choose whatever you want (within your finances), without someone else’s input or rules. Revel in it!! See it for the freedom it is and run with it! Find what you want and don’t let other’s opinions determine the rest of your life. Truly be yourself.

      3. narc affair says:

        Hi mercy…thats a great point! We have to take responsibility for our own healing and being mindful of our thoughts and training our mind each time to switch to something more empowering and positive. Our thoughts govern our feelings. We have the power to change our thought processes.

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi mercy…the addiction to the highs yes this is a major pitfall. Its a very uneasy feeling at first when life seems to stand still and theres no highs(trauma bonding). You definitely do go thru withdrawals bc the oxytocin levels are decreasing which they should but depression can set in. Its a definite point in recovery to be aware of bc it could potentially cause a break in no contact.

      5. Mercy says:

        Windstorm and Narc Affair, thank you for your encouraging words.

        Yes Narc Affair, that’s what I’m feeling right now. Like I could easily slip into depression. I fight it Every day but this time im winning the fight. In the past i would contact him just to ease the uncomfortable feelings and always promising myself I will not get sucked back in. I do though. Now I keep reminding myself what is waiting for me if I return. My heart is finally accepting what my mind has always known.

        Windstorm thank you for the reminder. This last year I lost myself. Previously I kept friends and family close but the dynamic of our relationship change drastically and I’ve found that I have isolated myself from the people I love and the things I love to do. I’ve started reaching out to those I’ve pushed away. I’m slowly getting back to my projects and am making plans for the future.

        This blog and everyone that comments and encourages others has been what keeps me grounded. It’s easy to lose yourself in narcland.

      6. Narc Affair, 12345, Windstorm2, and Mercy,

        Your time frame for recovery conversation: You guys are killing me here.

        This half life theory puts me close to dead or actually dead with those calculations! Ow!

        And I was so young when he dug his claws into me.

        Damn damn damn!

        I need a time machine! Where is the good Dr with his Tardis?
        I shall fight the evil timelords!!!

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Perse
          I don’t remember your situation, but I’ll try throwing out some hope you way. The “half life” of recovery from a toxic relationship is not a scientific fact like the half life of uranium. It’s one of those “rules of thumb.”

          I’d been with my husband for 31 years when I left him. It didn’t take me 15 1/2 years to get on with my life. Now, it was me that left, so I’d already done a lot of the mental prep in advance. It would surely have been much harder to deal with if he’d left me out of the blue. Any hope of living with him was long gone and I’d planned out my escape in advance.

          That said, it probably took me 2-3 years to stop crying at night. 3-4more years to adjust to being single and independent. On paper that looks like 5-7 years. In reality I was so much happier and independent the moment I permanently moved out. It just kept getting better and better as time went on. And that has never stopped. It still keeps getting better and better each year.

          The flip side, however, is I am left with scars from all my narcs that will never go away. Just like any childhood trama, narc injury warps and changes you in permanent ways you just have to learn to live with. But despite the scars and painful memories, I can truly say that since I was a child, every year of my life has always been better than the year before because I have grown and changed and come more fully into my own personal power.

          So all things considered, if I were you I wouldn’t worry about how long healing will take. I’d keep in mind that it’s just going to keep getting better and better. As you continue to heal, every year for the rest of your life is going to be better than the year before. That is a true blessing that many people will never have.

          1. Thanks for your reply, WS2. I have 38 1/2 years with mine. I have left him twice before, the last time I was Hoovered back in, I thought I was strong enough to deal with it. The usual antics of theirs with a veiled threat to my elderly mothers life.
            I have been emotionally somewhat detached for the last 5 years.
            But was PTSD triggered recently, so a setback.
            But overall very happy to be free to enjoy my life as I see fit.
            So, I do understand recovery will never be complete, but it is enough even now to function well. (And not as an appliance.LOL)

          2. Windstorm2 says:

            Perse
            Mines been a long haul, too. We got engaged in ’73, this past Sunday would have been our 40th wedding anniversary. He actually spent the day with me – came up to my house with our oldest son, went together to a grandson’s marching band competition and took me out to eat. Neither of us mentioned the date, but I’m sure he was aware.

            I only left mine the once in 2004. I offered to come back if he went to marriage counseling with me – I didn’t want to come back at all and thought that was a safe condition to set, but I was still scared he’d agree. He didn’t, though. No way he could have endured marriage counseling! It was a wise move. Trying to live together again would have made us both totally miserable.

            Mine never overtly threatened me. He likes to think of himself as above that. He prides himself in getting what he wants thru subtle psychological manipulation. The best I can tell using what I’ve learned here he’s a lower greater cerebral.
            What type is yours?

            I get along well with mine now. He likes to tell people how we get along so much better now that we’re divorced. I just smile and think, “Yeah, that’s because I don’t have to live with you anymore!” 😝

          3. Hi WS,
            I haven’t typed my narc yet. He seems to be a mid-ranger in that he always wanted people to think he was a nice, fun generous guy.
            But he was laser like in applying the hurts, and seemed to enjoy it too much.
            In the end, I think that I stuck around just to make sure he was actually dying, and I hoped be able to recover my assets and property. Just me thinking that way scares me, but I guess I had to become cold to rationalize it to myself. At least I was rarely intentionally cruel to him except in self defense. I think I would been a mortal enemy to him if I didn’t return

        2. K says:

          Narc Affair, 12345, Windstorm2, Mercy and persephoneascending

          I read about the “half the time of the relationship” too, but we have HG, so I consider this site the accelerated program for healing from narcissistic abuse. It is an excellent program.

      7. Mercy says:

        Haha I get what you are saying. If the time frame is true then I have 3 years to go. NOT gonna happen. That’s why I say NC is only a portion of the healing process. Moving on requires us to do some real soul searching. What is it that binds us to this person? There is a need that has to be filled. We just have to find a healthy way to satisfy that need.

      8. Mercy says:

        K, that’s what I’m counting on. I have no patience, I need the accelerated program!

  8. Loulou says:

    Ever presence is real. But only in time does it wane and those reminders will then make you cringe over the village idiot you once thought was a Greek god.

  9. Cathrine says:

    The ever presence yes. It has been a great part of my painful journey. The thing is that I never fell in love the way I fell in love with him before. I’ve never ever been that obsessed with a relationship and a man before. And for a very long time afterwards everything was a reminder of what once was. The way a stranger would tilt his head, the smell of someone else wearing his eau de cologne, a song we used to dance to, the shrimp and lobster dish I used to cook for him; he put his name to every part of my city and to every part of my world. The weirdest thing thinking of it though is that no memory with him is completely untainted. There was always a faint feeling of something being wrong, something not at all right with him and subsequently with us. How the hell can a man that couldn’t even keep his facade in place leave me so longing and forlorn?

    1. Lori says:

      Cathrine, you write so honestly and articulately and with such heart that I feel your words are my words. Maybe HG can help answer that question for us “How the hell can a man that couldn’t even keep his façade in place leave me so longing and forlorn?”

      1. HG Tudor says:

        The provision of the illusion, the cultivation of your addiction and the surge of your emotional thinking.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          I think the reason even the unintelligent, loser narcs can often still pull it off is that we so want someone to love us that way. And we’ve probably never really been loved like that (since it’s really just an illusion) and now here it seems to be, right in front of us. We don’t want this chance to be so loved to get away, so we ignore all the inconsistencies and illogic and chase after it.

          I like to think of myself as an intelligent, logical woman who has never had any interest in romance. But deep down I feel that need to be loved, accepted, wanted. I think it’s probably a primal need of everyone who has empathy – even the most jaded among us. Some people try to fill it with religion or spiritualism, some with their children and grandchildren, but we all deep down feel that need to be cherished, and even the lowlife, incompetent narcs can sense it.

  10. Stephanie Farlow says:

    Hello HG ,
    Long time no communicato. I hope you are well. I just wanted to let you know that thanks to you and your books and counseling….I am still “no contact ” and doing great.
    I ha e run into Satan at least 5 times in the past 2 months alone. The good news is I felt zero emotion. Well maybe I was a bit repulsed by his presence. This was rather odd to say the least.
    Keep on keeping on
    Much Love xoxox
    The Super Empath

  11. DL says:

    I really liked this post. The victim mid range narcissist truly describes my ex. Yes I felt like his mother. Great description about the bath. With the victim narcissist at first it’s hard to tell they are narcissist because they don’t act like they are the cock of the walk, grandiose, and self assured. They don’t come off like they think they are better than you, but deep down they think they are better. They judge and put everyone down. Mine always said he came from good stock, and he put my entire family down. They suck you in with their sad luck stories. It’s nevef their fault. Your whole life becomes about taking care of them and their needs. There is never any reciprocation.

  12. Windstorm2 says:

    Probably I’m just weird, but everpresence doesn’t make me long for my narcs. If it was a hurtful one like my parents, I just feel sad. If it was a dumb one like my Moron, I laugh whenever something reminds me of him and how clueless he is. The rest of them, I just remember the connection like I’d remember anything. Guess I’m lucky that way – “Better lucky than good.” 😄

  13. 12345 says:

    I find myself feeling sorry for the lesser. He is the biggest failure at narcissism there could ever be. I think it would be more accurate to say that I’m embarrassed for him. Almost like when you look away when someone has made a complete fool of themselves. So sad.

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