Showing Restraint






In some instances, the actions of our kind necessitate the obtaining of an injunction or a restraining order to address certain behaviours. Obtaining one is not always as straight forward as it might appear, though much depends on the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. You can often count on facing a counter-application which is designed to muddy the waters, intimidate you and/or be used as a bargaining chip in order to cause you to drop your own action. The fabrication of evidence in support of our own application can be expected. However, let us assume that you have succeeded in obtaining the injunction or restraining order and there has been no cross-application from us, will we obey the restraining order that you have secured?

Do not think that it is as simple matter of  us evaluating whether we should obey it or not. You must keep in mind that we are entitled to do as we please, when we want, where we want and with whomsoever we choose. This includes you, probably more than anybody. We operate from a position of assumed superiority and we do not recognise or respect any boundaries. The presence of a restraining order is regarded as a terrible and unjustified imposition on our capacity to do what must be done. In order to understand whether we will comply with it, you must understand how it fits into the narcissistic dynamic. This differs dependent on the type of narcissist your order is against.

The Lesser.  The Lesser Narcissist, although he has a lower control threshold, meaning his fury is more prone to erupt, he also has less energy and motivation to embark on a hoover. In such circumstances, whoever it is who has to serve the restraining order is likely to receive the initial backlash as the Lesser’s fury erupts on receipt of this criticism. The provision of such a shackle on his ability to do as he pleases amounts to a considerable criticism. Most process servers will serve the order without providing fuel. The same goes for the judge, if the narcissist has attended court to challenge the application. You can expect an immediate eruption in such circumstances and the Lesser will lash out at those in the vicinity.

Once this fury has abated, will he obey the order? The existence of the order acts to raise the bar rather high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. This makes the prospect of successfully extracting fuel harder and therefore even if there is a Hoover Trigger, the existence of the order means that the criteria is far less likely to be met, you will be left alone and the order will be obeyed. Note how it is not the order per se that causes compliance, but its effects on the Hoover Execution Criteria. That is why it is necessary to understand how a restraining order fits into the narcissistic dynamic.

The circumstances where the Lesser is likely to break a restraining order are: –

  1. If you criticise him and ignite his fury, for instance if you contact the Lesser by telephone. The ignition of fury will mean he will have no regard for the order and come after you in order to seek fuel to deal with the wound you have caused. It may be the case that the Lesser is forbidden from coming near you, but you can still contact him if required (if indeed you actually wanted to); or
  2. You do something which lowers the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. Thus if the Lesser happens to see you somewhere, perhaps by accident, the presentation of potential fuel in this manner means the criteria will be more readily met, a hoover will take place and the order will be broken.

The Lesser is not concerned with the downside of breaking the order.

The Mid-Range. The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order, combined with the raising of the HEC bar as described above. You should also note that he has an increased cognitive function so that he is well aware of the downside of contravening the order and the consequent effect on his liberty which will thus in turn hamper his fuel gathering capabilities. If the Mid-Range is going to breach the order, he will do so by utilizing a proxy to approach you on his behalf. This will not be done in any aggressive way, but rather as a pity play beseeching you to stop this unnecessary action and “can we not just talk to one another like reasonable people”. This is a ploy through a third party to cause you to lower your guard so a hoover can be effected and without any consequence. If you agree, the hoover will not be malign, he will seek positive fuel in order to build a bridge to keep coming back for more.

The Greater.  The HEC bar is raised but the Greater has greater energy and cunning to address this adjustment. He also has a greater sense of entitlement. The Greater is well aware how the downside of contravening such an order will have against him. He will know it will impact on his capabilities for gathering fuel and also damage the façade. He is however driven and regards the appearance of such an order as a challenge for him to flex his cunning and manipulative muscles. The Greater will not be able to resist the opportunity for game-playing but will do so in a manner which minimises risk to him. He will have the arrogance to assume he will not be caught, but lack the stupidity to blindly contravene it. Instead, he will utilize all manner of tactics to breach the order but through others with no link to him, he will rely on plausible deniability and the threat of breaching it, to cause consternation on the part of the victim. The Greater will not want to suffer the downside, he is wary of this, he does not want his standing to be affected by it and the effect it will have on his carefully constructed façade, but the temptation of the fuel and the desire to win, by outsmarting the order will usually prove too great. If there is a trigger and the HEC is met, the Greater will hoover but will do so in a clever manner. There will be no crass and blunt weapon involved. He will aim to breach it, but through clever manipulation, the use of others and the complete avoidance of repercussions for him.

6 thoughts on “Showing Restraint

  1. RJ says:

    Kind of similar to shantily, mine walked into my place of work (a store) wearing that stupid grin on Christmas Eve close to closing time with her father, and said cheerfully, Merry Christmas. This was after some hard months dealing with our breakup. She knew I was working due to my car in the parking lot. My whole being sunk. No empathy, entitlement much? This was our first Christmas apart after two years dating. Last person I thought I would see on Christmas Eve. I wish I could have seen my face at that moment hearing those words. It must have shown how I felt because a co worker came to me seconds later compationately saying something along the lines of don’t worry about it everything will be O.K. Guess my ex had a gift for me to deliver. Making sure I would be thinking of her at that special time of the year. Needless to say it was not a very Holly Jolly Christmas that year. This was well over 20 years ago. Didn’t know what it was back then or why, but I see now.

  2. K says:

    All 4 restraining orders were against lessers and once they were placed they were obeyed. My Narc sister did explode in fury at the court house in front of everyone so I was escorted out of the court house through a back doorway for safety.

  3. Hope says:

    I am wondering HG, as your knowledge and information becomes more easily available to all in the future – if that information will statistically result in less violent attacks & murders due to battered partners needing less restraining orders?

    My logic on this – is once someone is aware of what they’re dealing with – there’s more practical ways to end the relationship by going No Contact, as opposed to trying over and over to no avail, then finally having to get a restraining order. Thus enraging the Lesser Narcissist, who reacts in a predictable manner.

    If people are aware of exactly what they’re dealing with – it should be easier for them to unsnare themselves in a more detached less volatile manner, without the situation going far enough to need a restraining order. (As many of the readers of your blog tend to be doing.)

    Part of me expects the knowledge of HG to save the world 🙂 … while the other part of me wonders if Lessers will always be Lessers – and will react with rage when a partner leaves ~ with or without a restraining order.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That would be a logical outcome however :-

      1. The dissemination of my information needs to be on a far wider scale than it is at present, time will tell;
      2. It also relies on people being able to fight their emotional thinking and apply the tools that I have created. If you do not pick up and use the tool, the outcomes will remain the same.

  4. shantily says:

    When my ex lesser saw my car parked outside a store the other day (he has conditions placed on him, one of which is he is supposed to stay away from me) he made a beeline straight for me. He walked right in to the store even though I was barring the entrance way… he walked around me bought something and left …. I laughed out loud and thought well HG called that one ! He’s turned his truck right around and driven back to where he’s seen me standing as well …it’s good to know what you’re dealing with and the cadre of narcissist. Thanks to HG they’re so predictable, it’s almost laughable.

  5. Tappan Zee says:

    HG: The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order,

    ME: Thankyou GOD he’s a LMR

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