Birthday Blues


They happen every year and you have come to dread the appearance of both your own birthdays and mine. You would much rather neither taken place if you are entirely honest. The day is spent treading on eggshells as you await the inevitable argument and dressing down that you will receive. The annual sense of disappointment will happen again and again and you hope somehow it will change, but it never does.

Let’s begin with my birthday. You dedicate time and money to making my birthday an enjoyable and memorable occasion. I dedicate a degree of energy to ensure that it is memorable, but for the wrong reasons. You plan something special to mark the occasion and go to considerable lengths to organise a surprise party or a trip out somewhere you believe I will like. You scour catalogues and the Internet trying to find that gift you hope will make me break out in a smile. Most normal people will be happy with half the effort you put into pleasing me on my birthday. Not me. The occasion may involve a grand day out and a spectacular gift but just as it did last year and the year before that, it will end in an argument and us lashing out at you.

On the face of it, one would imagine that just for once we would get throughout the day without causing some kind of drama. After all, the day is all about us. Exactly what we like and what we want. People wish us happy birthday, they send us cards, they give us presents and you run around lifting and carrying for us (even more than usual). The spotlight is firmly on us. We drink up all this fuel but still we want more. Every single second has to be about us. Do not expect us to thank you or anyone else who provides us with a gift. Remember, we are entitled to receive them. We may have received gifts of twenty people but you know that all we will harp on about is the person we did not get a gift from whom we expected to. That becomes the focus of our irritation. The brilliant and thoughtful gifts are left to one side as we rail against this one person who has not bought us something. It does not matter that they send a card, it does not matter that we did not send them a gift on their birthday (and never have done), and it does not matter that nobody else would expect this distant relative to send such a gift. We will raise it and repeat it and rant about it.

Woe betides you if you do not give to us the exact gift we expected. If you fail to do this we will comment and lash out at you. You cannot possibly love us since you did not give us the right gift. We conveniently ignore the fact that what you have brought us is still a wonderful gift and we actually do like it. That is not the point. It is not the gift we wanted and you will be subjected to our scathing remarks. If by sheer dint of exhaustive effort you manage, against all the odds, to work out what we want (don’t expect us to help you by explaining what we want, we expect you to know this through telepathy) and give us the right gift, do not expect smiles and thanks. We need to make a scene. Instead, we will remark,

“I see you finally got it right. It does not really make up for all the years you got it wrong does it?”

You can never win when it comes to providing us with gifts. We will always want to put you down no matter what you have done and irrespective of the effort and expense that you have gone to. We will always be unsatisfied and this will manifest in us giving you a dressing down in front of everyone at the party, or storming out of the venue at some sleight. Every year you will hear the same stinging accusation ringing in your ears,

“You’ve ruined my birthday. Again.”

When it comes to your birthday the position is just as bad. We will routinely pretend to forget about it. Do not be fooled by our repeated apparent memory lapses. We have minds that remember everything and our powers of recall are spectacular. We know your birthday is on the horizon and with most things with us it generates two reactions. On the one hand we resent the forthcoming anniversary because it is a day geared towards the individual, namely you. It is not about us and we cannot stand that. It is rare that you ever allow the spotlight to be shone on you (by now you are so used to having to point it at us, you give up on it ever being fixed on you) but you do hold out the futile notion that it might still be done on your birthday, of all days. We find this galling. This is a day that will be about you and thus where will we get our fuel? Its approach generates dread and horror inside of us.

Conversely, we relish your birthday because we know, despite every previous disappointment, you still hold out hope that this year it might just be different. You pray to your own personal god that please, just for once, the day can pass without incident and you can enjoy yourself. You are not particularly bothered about doing anything special, perhaps a meal out somewhere and the gift need not be expensive, just so long as it exhibits that some kind of thought has gone into it. Your thoughts are based on hope as opposed to expectation. It will not be different because we need to spoil it; we need to make you feel upset and demeaned. To achieve this there are various things that we will do on your birthday.

  1. We forget about it completely. If you mention at 6pm that evening that it is your birthday we will lash out at you by explaining how busy we have been at work or that there has been some other pressing matter which means that it has slipped our minds. We deliberately forget about it and we will not countenance you criticising our omission.
  2. We organise something lavish but we know it is not something you will actually like. As usual, you put a brave face on it and fix a rigid smile to your face. We know what you are really thinking because we know it is not something you like. In fact, it is more likely that we have organised something that we enjoy. We do this so that everyone else can see what a grand and delightful gesture we have made and we drink in his or her admiration. It also enables us to poke at you repeatedly suggesting that you don’t like it. We are goading you into making a tiny admission that it is not quite what you expected and then we erupt in self-indignant fury as we castigate you for being ungrateful after all the effort we have gone to.
  3. We buy some token gesture and point out that your 43rd birthday is not really something to celebrate is it? It is hardly a milestone. We then use this to remark on your advancing years and point out your various flaws.
  4. We organise a lovely birthday for you but spoil it by turning the spotlight back onto ourselves. We turn up late, we flirt with a guest or we manufacture some drama so that everyone is looking at us and not you. We complain at waiters when there is a family meal out, when there is not actual need to do so. We want to make a scene and wrench the spotlight back over to us.
  5. We remember your birthday and spend it doing what you want and we are pleasant to you until early evening when we deliberately pick a fight with you over absolutely nothing. The fuel we gain from this behaviour is all the sweeter as we have built you up, your guarded behaviour has melted away as we appear to have done everything that pleases you. We are waiting. We are waiting for you to feel good and happy and then we will cast you down so your emotional reaction is all the more heightened.

This behaviour is not just reserved for your birthday although we enjoy ruining your birthday the most. We do this with the birthdays of our children, friends and family. We hate it being about someone else and we hate seeing him or her being happy. In our world, nobody else is allowed a birthday and we believe that every day is our birthday and everyone should recognise that and act accordingly.

We know that you would rather your birthday be erased from the calendar. It is always a horrible day in one form or another and you would rather it not take place. We put a big red ring around it in the calendar in our mind and scribble next to the day the words, “ Special Fuel Day.”

18 thoughts on “Birthday Blues

  1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Fuck your cake lol.

  2. Just Me says:

    Since all of my birthdays have been ignored for over two decades, I am declaring myself at least 20 years younger.

    HG, is Happy Fucking Mother’s Day next?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      But of course.

  3. Becky says:

    This is 100% true. Growing up I used to call my birthday gcbrother’s birthday part 2. A few years years ago my birthday was erased from the calendar when narc mom’s father passed away on my birthday.

  4. Sandra Muller says:

    Wow!!!! Great post! It is almost my bday actually. I am super excited and happy 🙂 😀 😀
    HG: Hey I have noticed you use a lot of special terminology and acronyms (e.g., DLS for Dirty Little Secrete ). Why do you like to use acronyms and/or special terminology? Does it mean anything to you when others start adopting the vocabulary that you defined?
    Thanks. Great work 🦄

    1. Sandra Muller says:

      Do you have btw any special reading on how narcs might like for others to adopt their vocabulary etc? Thanks. Fantastic writing. I really enjoy that you are clear and direct.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you Sandra, I haven’t an article on that specific point.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      1. It saves time.
      2. The creation of a lexicon assists understanding.
      3. It pleases me considerably when my readers adopt my terminology here and when I see it being used elsewhere as it becomes applied in the wider sphere. I dislike the use of covert narcissist, overt narcissist, narcissistic injury, discard and most of when people use supply as in “he has new supply”.

      1. Sandra Mueller says:

        Thank you very much for the insight . I have been studying online trolling and notice they also like to create their own lexicon. So I wondered, considering many believe that trolls are similar to narcs, whether there could be a connection.

        Good writing. I feel I really understand narcs after reading your books

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Trolls are either narcissists or those with considerable narcissistic traits.

      2. Sandy says:

        Thank you very much !! –Sandra

  5. Kim michaud says:

    We were not in the same country on one out of the two birthday of each of us out of the two birthdays that we knew each other for. So on his I put happy birthday wishes memes gifs all over his timeline on NY birthday that year he refused to say happy birthday on my timeline or acknowledge it finally at ten o’clock that night he finally wrote it I was so angry and embarrassed cuz my timeline was full of wishes by everyone but him the second time we each had a birthday he was giving me the silent treatment on his birthday and on my birthday I’m still furious the first year he ignored my birthday even though we were supposedly a happy couple at the time

  6. I would at least get a nice dinner at a very good restaurant so that he could post it on fb, showing off what a gourmet (really a glutton) he was and what a good husband.
    I constantly asked that he not post pictures of me on fb, but that wouldn’t fly with him. He always said he was just posting pictures of the food, but then would show me his fb, with pictures of me, with comments from his friends on how happy i looked with him on my bday. Grr! But at least I couldn’t be tagged, cause I didn’t have a page. Surprised he never thought to make one in my name.
    As for his birthday, he would drop MASSIVE hints as to what he wanted, but even then there was always something wrong about it.
    Example being he kept on about how he wanted a certain upgraded model of the phone he already had, how much better the new model was,etc. I bought him that phone, but that was stupid of me, because the NEXT model was coming out soon, he really was looking forward to THAT new model, and how could I waste money on this one because he will get the newest model free (no it was payments) next month!

    1. I wish to add my last birthday was without him and I took a friend to “Thunder Down Under” and we had a blast. This birthday I am going camping, (Yay!) Something he would never do. A year and 2 birthdays for myself!

  7. RS says:

    He never did anything bad to me, he was just always conveniently giving me the “silent treatment“ when my birthday rolled around. I gave him very nice things for his. My birthday is coming up soon and it will be a lovely time spent with my daughter in Northern Arizona where there’s actually a Fall! We stay there every year at the cutest little bed and breakfast… I can’t wait!

  8. Libertygal1776 says:

    How fitting…2 days before my birthday….thanks so much HJ

  9. JC says:

    So true…. on one of my exes birthdays, I gave him a gift in front of my Sister. He literally unwrapped it and tossed it aside and said. “I didn’t want this!” Another time, he gave me this extremely large, ugly dress. When I put it on to prove to him it was way too big for me, he called me ungrateful! I hated birthdays with him!

  10. Diva says:

    Thank you HG……you are a day late…….but I guess it’s the thought that counts!!!!!!……….Diva

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