The Narcissistic Truths – No. 181

criticism

54 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 181

  1. gabbanzobean says:

    HG, if a Narc was confronted by his DLS (via email since I am LD) with links and info about the profiles he has on sex and fetish/hook-up websites does this discovering wound him? Particularly after he was on a guilt trip/pity play of how he feels so guilty for his continued infidelity and vows to “do the right thing”.

    Long story short, after thus most recent Piano church façade of “I am going to do the right thing” I just sort of said “the F you are” and I emailed him the dirty that I found on him. While I did not threaten to send it to his wife or his church congregation (although I should have) I worded it nicely in an email (just to him) feigning my “fake” concern that said “if you are going to ‘do the right thing’ I hope you’ll remove these”.

    The next morning I was subjected to nasty text messages about a completely different issue which then became a silent treatment. When I accused him of using me for sex during the nasty texts, he replied “Use you for sex? Please, if I wanted to I could pay a hooker to get me off and it would be less of a headache than you are”…However the profile links I notified him of were not even brought up or discussed?

    Did he care and just not say it? Did my sending of those links wound him? Or does a wounding need to be more substantial than that?

    Thank you HG and I am fairly certain I will be booking a consult soon. Does analyzing a series of confusing text messages count as one of the questions?

    Thank you!

  2. DebbieWolf 🐾 says:

    Im so bloody proud of this blog. I am so proud of the way people rally around and support.
    Im proud of our host HG for all he is doing that helps and guides.
    Today…I felt so grateful for all of this and wanted to say thank you.
    The amazing strides forward we continue to make.
    nobody f**** with the Tudorites.

    This blog rocks!!!
    Keep on keeping on..🛡

  3. Tappan Zee says:

    HG– i have that thing where if it hurts it must be love. i could google it. but hey, that is what you are for. more accurate as well. truly though. if it is painful and tangibly so (not random airy hurt) i feel “this is love.” clearly it is a short circuit in my brain. saying it now, not ensnared i am applying cool logic. BUT I KNOW IT LURKS IN REMISSION ONLY. every cell of my being knows it. feels it. if they HURT me. they CARE. no, it makes zero sense. but if i cannot “feel” it. well then, i feel nothing. it is a core issue. stemming from child abuse i suppose. i regret others on here think they are “above” narc abuse or pain. or that mine is different. or whatever. we are all pretty much the same. and i refuse to play with fire. not all are my enemies. but i am not constructed to deal with or be around fire. i could spend the precious little time of my life left building up some sort of resistance. or take a different path. preferably one that doesn’t begin with socio or psycho. oh, what was my question. is this a contagion-esque thing?

  4. narc affair says:

    Their ego is like an overinflated balloon easily popped by criticism of any kind even perceived but not.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Their ego is like an overinflated balloon easily popped by criticism of any kind even perceived but not.

      ^mine is a deflated balloon easily popped.

      same deal. different facade. i suppose feeling horribly, awful, terrible about how ghastly i am is sort of a facade too. inverse grandiosity. either way it is false sense of self. one is more externally functional and successful (i suppose)

  5. Noname says:

    Ohh… painful picture.

    “Befriending” the criticism is the first thing any Narc has to do. It reduces the fuel loss very effectively.

    My friend Psychiatrist once said “Aside of internal training to tolerate the criticism, you both (my husband and I) have to do the external training also”.

    So, we organized, as my husband called it, the “Man’s abuse days”, when I mercilessly criticized him for every single thing. We agreed, that when “he couldn’t take it anymore”, he would say “stop” and I would stop doing it.

    First times my criticism was “benign”, but even then he tolerated it for 10-20 minutes only. Then I started to push him “harder” and his tolerance level started to increase gradually. It wasn’t easy for me also. It wasn’t natural for me to do it and I felt absolutely drained at the end of the “Man’s abuse day”. Honestly, I don’t know who of us suffered more from it. Lol. But results were very good.

    Now, when I say something critical (without any desire to offend him intentionally and he knows it), he reacts absolutely adequately. Once, he said “It is strange, I don’t feel insulted at all, but if you told me the same thing 10 years ago, I would”.

    The hardest part for him was to tolerate the external criticism, because the “external world is mean and treacherous in principle”. I can understand it. Moreover, no one likes to be criticized publically! But he started to react in more calm way to it. That’s good ahd that’s healthy.

    My personal story suggests, that if Narc really wants something, he/she gets it. If not, no one, nothing in this world could help. The good will and self-work are the key points to everything.

    May I ask you, Tudor… What is the less painful thing to you – the “unemotional criticism” or “no contact”?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is ultimately no contact because although it wounds at first once it is in place we will go elsewhere for fuel and thus the no contact has no effect (save where we hoover and it fails). If there is repeated unemotional criticism, that is wound after wound.

      1. Noname says:

        I see. Thank you for your answer, Tudor.

      2. Mercy says:

        Hi HG, could you explain unemotional criticism? I

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Let’s say you and the narcissist are hosting a dinner party. There are four guests. You serve the guests first because that is polite. You serve yourself next since you are closest to the kitchen area and then the narcissist last. The fact you served the narcissist last will wound him because it tells him he is not important. You did this without any emotion and thus the act of serving him last amounts to emotional criticism.

      3. Mercy says:

        Thank you for your explanation HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  6. jenna says:

    Because u hate criticism, u will put on a good facade of kindness (except for the lesser i guess).

    My non-narc partner does not put on any facade, being a non-narc. He can be downright cruel! Such cruelty i have never even seen in my ex mid-ranger, due to the facade of kindness.

    I have come to the conclusion that, if i can handle unpredictability, a narc (not violent lessers tho) is my best bet. Normals have no facade, and therefore some are downright mean. 😢

    W my ex, tho it is an ‘illusion’ of kindness, it is kindness nevertheless. I’d rather have that than my non-narc’s cruelty.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Jenna
      I’ve always worried about your description of this guy. Normals who love you aren’t cruel. How can you be sure this guy is not a narc, too?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        He most likely is. Some people need to wake up.

      2. jenna says:

        I’m sure he’s not a narc. He feels happiness, joy, fear, knows his boundaries very well, does not feel entitled. He’s just an insensitive jerk!

        Plus, i had him take the npi (narcissistic personality inventory). His score was v low.

        I had ex narc take the npi too. His score was sky high, esp the vanity questions (i had him send me the bar graph of the results lol).

        At least ex-narc has an excuse for being jerkish. Non-narc has no excuse!

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Jenna,
          You didn’t say anything in that last text that could not be said of a narc. They can appear happy, but it’s a power rush, they can appear to have low levels of empathy, but it’s really cognitive empathy. That he went out to eat with your “enemy” seems very telling. But the real kicker was saying he’s an insensitive jerk. I’ve never met an insensitive jerk who was not a narc.

          I always use the “duck test.” If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…..

          1. jenna says:

            Hi windstorm,

            I can understand what u r saying. But i am positive he’s a non narc. He never has the cold dead stare. He has a high moral code. His happiness is genuine. He is not fearful of intimacy. He does not blow hot and cold. He does not give silent treatments. He never – condescends, gaslights, uses word salad, projects, provokes, denies, blame shift, topic shift. He never lies. He doesn’t cheat. He hates porn. He gets v affected by death in the family (and not just for show). He isolates himself and mourns in his own way. He is even attending therapy to better himself. I have seen some changes, but not enough.

            He’s just an insensitive jerk!

          2. HG Tudor says:

            How long have you known him?

          3. Jenna says:

            U may recall the answer to that, or not, idk. I cannot reveal it on a public platform for fear of being identified. I have known non-narc for long enough. Sorry i can’t be more specific, even tho i would like to be.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Noted.

          5. Jenna says:

            Omg i returned to this page and saw many comments that were not in my inbox.

            Thank u everyone for ur advice and thoughts.

            A day or two after the incident, i asked non-narc why he would go to my enemy’s home for lunch (the wife is my enemy, her husband is my non-narc’s friend but i still consider their home as the enemy’s home). This is the reply i got: “Well my enemy is right on ur phone.” 😧😱
            He knows i have not blocked ex-narc, and he was fine w it. Maybe it’s starting to bug him now.

            Also, i told non-narc that hg thinks he’s a narc. His reply: “maybe i am.” If he admits it so readily, he most likely is not a narc?

            Basically he is a normal who has all the emotions, including empathy (tho low), but is not very sensitive nor catering to my emotional needs. I also forgot to mention he has no fury, never. What category would this fall under?

            Narcaffair, to answer ur question, when ex-narc and i lived together, he gave me so much attention it was amazing.

            I cannot leave non-narc due to several external factors i cannot get into. These factors include my family, his profession etc. I have to work w it. Oh well, he brings me my meds and fills my car’s gas tank. And i can vent abt him here!

      3. Peppi Boudreau says:

        He is a Narcissist.

    2. Kiava says:

      Are you sure he’s a non-Narc? Lessers only just hold back the nasty at best during the bronze period (they can’t even achieve a Golden Period). Once they unleash the nasty, there’s no going back and They are overtly verbally and oftentimes physically abusive and have no control over their knee-jerk, instinctive responses. Normal people are not nasty for no reason (Not overlooking the fact that most folk have issues and defence mechanisms of some sort) But normal people still have a capacity for empathy and in general don’t need to purposely hurt the people they care about. A narc is not your “best bet”. Do some inner work and realise what causes you to attract and entangle with them in the first place. Self love, self actualisation and the realisation that you don’t need another person to complete you is where you are aiming for. Love yourself first.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi jenna…im sorry you havent been well. Hope youre feeling better.
        I do totally get what youre saying bc i live it. My hubby is a normal but can be clueless and lack sensitivity. He also lacks initiative and its been very lonely whereas the narc is super sensitive(aware of sensitivity) and will make an effort when things arent going good. The thing is i cant rely on him in the real world and we dont live together. If we did im certain our relationship would be way different and id get a taste of a side of him ive not fully seen.
        The fact you said you lived with him a year surprised me. How was it living with him?

      2. narc affair says:

        I kind of wondered this too if he was a narcissist or had a lot of narc traits.

    3. narc affair says:

      Hi jenna you want real not fake. If the guy your with isnt respecting your feelings and is being cruel then you shouldnt be with him? Dont forget youve not lived with your ex. If you lived with him you may see under his mask even further its easy to hide nasty from people your not around 24/7. Real is better imo. Your ex could be conning you.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        There is no could be about it.

      2. Windstorm2 says:

        Narc Affair
        Very true. If you live with them, I don’t see how you could keep from seeing under their façades. And it will be a totally different person than you expected.

      3. jenna says:

        Hi narc affair,

        Thx for ur comment. I lived w my ex for almost a year. My current partner, though a non-narc, is arrogant, and low on empathy – a normal w the full spectrum of emotions. He went to my enemy’s home yesterday and had lunch. When i told him that was inconsiderate of my feelings, he just could not understand why. At least my ex-narc would have said sorry, though he wouldn’t mean it. But it’s definitely better than hurting me like my non-narc did.

      4. jenna says:

        Plus, i’ve been sick for the last wk and non-narc does not once ask abt my well being.
        At least ex-narc used to text me every few wks to ask if i’m doing ok. Sure, it’s for fuel, but i don’t care. Let it be for fuel.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Do you see the inherent problem there Jenna?

          1. jenna says:

            I do.

            But to be fair, i should point out that he was giving me dinner while i was sick. But he still did not ask how i was feeling, did not keep me company while i was isolated (trying not to infect anyone else), did not realize the devastating effects of isolation.

      5. Brian says:

        Jenna, narcissists always show favor to your enemies. He is probably just good at faking those emotions you think he has.

    4. Petals says:

      Facade vs. publicly cruel…interesting place to draw the line between normals with many narc traits and actual narcissists, Jenna. Because that line can seem a bit blurry at times. Though by that definition I come down on what most would consider the “wrong” side of it.

      1. M. says:

        What are you doing with this “non-narc” then, Jenna? Let’s forget labelling for a second. What are you doing with this person?

    5. SuperXena says:

      ..oh Jenna..you shouldn’t allow ANYONE to be cruel to you! It perhaps sounds harsh to you but it seems you are trying to find excuses by calling him a non-narc. If he is cruel to you, he is an ABUSER ..regardless what “name ” you give him…it is absolutely THE MAJOR red flag….don’t let anyone to be cruel to you..you have a precious heart..take care of it…

    6. Insatiable Learner says:

      Jenna, with all due respect, you are making it sound like there are only two options: a narc with a facade of kindness or a cruel non-narc with no facade. How about an authentically kind non-narc? They do exist! Hope you will meet one of these. Very best!

    7. Windstorm2 says:

      Jenna,
      Just rereading your comments. All narcs do not put on a facade of kindness. My exhusband never did. He also never said he was sorry for ANYTHING, even when he obviously was (because something backfired on him). So not having a facade of kindness doesn’t have anything to do with whether a man is a narc or not.

      And even if you chose a narc who did have a kindness facade, he wouldn’t keep it up all the time. They always end up dropping their façades at home. There just is no finding a “nice narc.” At least not if you want to live with them. A facade is a fake front that hides something different behind it. There’s always something undesirable underneath.

      What you need to be looking for is an actual nice guy – not one just pretending to be nice and not one who doesn’t even pretend to be nice. Both of those options end up being abusive.

      1. Jenna says:

        Windstorm,

        “All narcs do not put on a facade of kindness.”

        Thank u for ur comment and ur explanation regarding ur ex husband. Since i have experience w only one mid-range, quiet, sweet (i know facade) narc, it is good to hear others’ perspectives. Note: although my narc is sweet, he’s unpredictable and thus requires me to be emotionally detached to protect myself.

    8. Tappan Zee says:

      Jenna. Not that I am an expert on love. Or normal.

      Having a warped concept of BOTH:

      It sounds like love/normal was 4me.

      = NOT normal. NOT love.

    9. Peppi Boudreau says:

      By your description, he sounds like a Narcissist.

  7. Sophia says:

    We like you, masks off. We know a considerable amount about the real you vs. a proximate fuel source. Does that make you less sensitive to criticism and more confident, thus more willing to show the real you more often? You’re successful in many ways, more than the majority, do you ever tell yourself that when you feel criticized to let it roll off of you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is more about keeping the ignited fury under control. Certain attempts to criticise I just laugh off owing to the inferiority of the person making the attempt.

      1. NarcAngel says:

        But if everyone is inferior in your mind, shouldnt you be able to laugh them all off or at the very least disregard? Giving more gravity to some seems to indicate that you are aware you have chinks in your armour and your fury is reserved for those with the intelligence and audacity to be able to identify them. Is that what separates the laughter from the fury?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There are degrees of inferiority NA.

          1. K says:

            I concur HG. I was superior to all of my lessers and to most of my mid-rangers but, alas, they thought otherwise; It was quite the contentious battle ground. “Tally-ho!” I say.

  8. H. says:

    And if you happen to be the unfortunate soul that caused the leaks, be ready for the dumpster fire.

  9. K says:

    Criticism = a fuel leak. And you need to get more fuel to repair the wound or else the construct is at risk of crumbling, thus, allowing the creature to rear its ugly head.

  10. Nina says:

    Pokes holes in the CON-struct.

    1. narc affair says:

      Good one on “CON” struct!

  11. Patricia J says:

    Being with a Narc is like being shot in the Ass. Lol.

    1. Patrick says:

      With a machine gun.

  12. Windstorm2 says:

    I think this may be what you need to focus on most. It you could learn how to be more impervious to criticism, then your fuel demands would surely drop, yet your efficiency would remain high. Maybe the good doctors might have useful advice, if you can sort it out from all the other things they say.

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