A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 34

Dear N..k,
If you are reading this, you know that I am gone.  This letter is somewhat special in the fact that as of this moment, I haven’t left you yet.  I am still stuck in the prison of my life living with you.  You see, I’ve been planning this escape for some time.   As you watched me drive away (notice I did not look back), I did have a few parting words that I wanted to say to you now.  Because I’m gone.  You will never have another chance at me.  You see, I have been grieving your death for a long time now.  As I drove away, it made it official.  You are dead to me.
I remember when we first met.  I was not looking for a relationship.  In fact I was quite down, going through my divorce.  I never expected to catch your attention.  You must have seen an easy target, I was in such a state of despair.  I thought you were most gorgeous man I had ever laid eyes on.  I felt the chemistry immediately and after feeling dead for so many years, I suddenly felt alive again.  Those first 6 months were amazing.  I was caught hook, line and sinker.  Little did I know what that actually meant.
Here we are, almost 5 years later.  I have been living with you for almost two years now.  What a colossal mistake that has turned out to be.  Living in your house with your rules.  There is no where I can go on your property where I feel free anymore.
I was confused at how you started treating me.  I felt great one moment, and then I’d feel confused the next.  I didn’t understand your behavior, I didn’t understand your cruel, hurtful words.  You’d think that I would of got the hint to run then, but no, I stayed.  I couldn’t of left if I wanted to.  I remember thinking that I was addicted to you.  And addicted is exactly what I was.
I have allowed you exploit me financially, I have allowed you to cheat on me, I have allowed you to give me STDs, I have allowed you to verbally abuse me, I have allowed you to manipulate me.  I have allowed you to use me, I allowed you to blame me for every bad thing that was happening in your life.
What did I do?  How did I handle this situation?  I turned to alcohol to numb my feelings and my hurts, my frustrations.  Rather than leave, I tried harder to please you.  I tried to make it all better.  I tried to make you see that I loved you and was doing all I could to make you happy.  I was doing and doing and doing, for YOU.  I received scraps in return, that’s not being reciprocal in a relationship, that’s being lazy.  Still I gave.  Every sip I took, helped me to cope a little bit more so I could hang in there a little bit longer. Then one day, through my fog I realized the alcohol was getting me in an even deeper hole and that I had a choice to make.  And make one I did because I decided then that my desire to be free was greater than any sip of alcohol I took and my freedom was worth more than you.
I am sober now, have been for a long time.  My eyes are open, I am now facing every shitty thing you have done.  No more excuses, no more of your lying bullshit.  Because now, that God I worshipped, looks like a pathetic specimen of a nothing.  Pretty on the outside, but very ugly on the inside.
Your selfishness, your self satisfying ideals, your sense of entitlement, your belief that you are superior to everyone is sick. Your days when you feel like the victim, that I am responsible for everything you perceive as an insult by anyone, is so pathetic.  Inside, you’re as evil as they come.
You see, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let people down, I’ve made bad choices.  But I feel remorse, guilt, shame and disappointment.  You aren’t capable of feeling any of those things.  It’s really quite sad.
You think that others revere you.  But really, they just laugh at you behind your back.  When you are being boastful, you look really stupid. I am embarrassed for you.
Lets talk about your female friends. The ones you say aren’t your exes because they were never your girlfriends?  You contact them, they contact you.  You flirt with them.  You don’t tell me any of these things are going on.  But that’s not cheating right?  Me finding a female contraceptive wrapper in your house was someone planting it right?  That female never came over right?  You would tell these “friends” that you were using me for my money, or that I was only living with you because I couldn’t afford an apartment.  That’s quite contradictory isn’t it?  When I would confront you, you would say you didn’t do anything.  No you didn’t send that naked selfie either did you?
Funny funny shit right there.  You think I am dumb.  That I have not caught on.  Sorry to burst your bubble, but you are the stupid one in this duo.  You are the idiot.  Why, because I’m free mother fucker.  While you, you get to continue living as a soul sucking wraith, continually looking for victims.  You tried real hard to suck the life out of me, but I have proved to be a worthy opponent, haven’t I? You must be the confused one now when you are giving me the silent treatment and I just carry on as if you aren’t even there?  When you hurl those insults now, I just agree with you.  Isn’t it better that we finally have your “friends” out in the open? Since they are your friends, I am still waiting for the day we can invite them over for dinner, because that’s what people do with friends.  We spend time with them.  Are you getting upset when I tell you that I can’t lend you any money and no, I can’t pay that bill?  How much longer are you going to hang in there?
The love I felt for you is long gone.  It evaporated in a puff of smoke.  You can’t love a lie, you can’t love someone that isn’t real.
If you’ve even made it this far in the letter I’d be extremely surprised, because I know you’re texting others, looking for your next target or possibly an old one.  Poor things, I feel sorry for them and can only hope that they look past your dazzling looks and see through you.  Because you’re hollow and if you’re hollow, you’re nothing……
Good riddance,
Still Standing

10 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 34

  1. K says:

    Still Standing

    For eight months, I have been here reading and learning, and every once in a while I still have moments of cognitive dissonance. The sentence towards the end of your letter, “You can’t love a lie, you can’t love someone that isn’t real.”, brought that dissonance back. Who were these men that we loved? Ghosts, phantoms or demons? They come into our lives and trick us with malign intent, possessing us mind, body and soul, wreaking havoc and then disappearing into vapor, as if they never existed. Slowly, we awake from this “IRL nightmare” and painstakingly put the pieces of our lives back together, as they hie in search of another unsuspecting soul to fill their hollowness. You signed off with: Good riddance. And I couldn’t agree with you more regarding that sentiment. Thank you.

  2. narc affair says:

    Still standing you are one strong lady! To overcome the alcohol and make a choice for your life the way you have is strength and youre right he met his match! The moment you took your power back was the moment he lost all of his. The word veneer comes to mind with your narc bc they all have a veneer in the beginning that attracts us but soon you see the ugliness beneath. That attraction dissolves as the facade does. Living with a narcissist speeds the process. You were a “kept” woman in his eyes and mask slipped and eventually shattered.
    Kuddos on making the decision to leave him and start a fresh beginning. Your story gives so much hope to those who have not yet taken that step. You are an inspiration!!! Ty for sharing ❤

  3. jenna says:

    Excellent letter! U seem truly free!

  4. Tappan Zee says:

    I love how you put “I have allowed” in there prefacing each abuse. It represents the true nature of this bitch slap. How it’s their fault. But we “allow” it due to wtf-ever fill in the blank thinking or pathology. Totally relate. I do not drink. Been thinking about picking it up on days, hours, lengthy times when I am wrought with pain of this untangling..

  5. DebbieWolf says:

    “You are the idiot. Why, because I’m free mother fucker”…
    Yeah!!!!….Commme onnnn!!!!
    Satisfying read…packed full of punches and kicks in the nuts. 😊
    I ❤ your letter Still Standing..
    and ❤ that song I’m Still Standing too.
    Well done.👏

    I found myself muttering along with you on the sidelines and saying “yeah…take that you dumbass jumped up never to come down bastard”!!
    Cathartic stuff.

  6. Overthinker says:

    I’m free mothafucka yes indeed love this line

    1. Diana says:

      You know, I have decided that sometimes,SOMETIMES,we do WIN.

  7. Debs says:

    Love the output of feeling in this letter – it mirrors my own. How you keep giving and giving even though you know its falling on an empty shell that busy looking on their phone and being infatuated with their new shiny thing. You know he is feeding them the same shit he fed you re soul mate – cant stop thinking of you – bla bla fucking blaaaaaaa……
    Great letter x

  8. angela says:

    you are strong…and now free…that is the best for you..and forget….the most important is you..always..now you learn this…i give you my respect and my congratulations

  9. Miss Swain says:

    Still Standing, I completely relate. Previously a social drinker, I started drinking heavily whilst ensnared by the narc. It was a coping mechanism, a strategy to numb the pain, a form of denial to the confusion and abuse. But then I started to realise it was a false escape route. The day I decided to stop drowning in wine and codependency was the day I found my freedom. I haven’t touched a drop in over a year and in that time I have managed to turn my life around (with the help of HG and all the lovely people on this site), leave the narc and rebuild a (sober) life for me and my daughter. Amen Sister and thanks for sharing xx

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