The Seven Sins of the Empath’s Self Doubt


In the beginning you are resourceful, confident and independent. Those attributes are there with no need for brazen displays but rather they exist in an understated and quiet manner. Then we arrive. The imposition of our manipulations is designed to bring life to these seven sins in order to leave you susceptible to our further machinations and control. These doubts will enable us to hoover you, draw fuel from you and maintain that connection we rely on to further our own ambitions.

  1. Is it actually my fault?


We will have you asking yourself and pondering whether what has happened is your fault. Did you do something to attract someone like us? Did you miss some sign which you ought to have seen and therefore it is your own failing which has caused you to be exposed to our control and abuse? We will have you analyse your behaviours as you become burdened with guilt. We are the experts in shifting the blame and through the repeated application of denial, deflection and projection, we will avoid any and all culpability for our actions, leaving them to impact on you. It must be your fault if we are so adamant that it is not our fault. The conviction by which we pin the blame on you will have you questioning yourself. It is natural for you to always reflect on your own behaviour, that is central to who you are and we know this. Add to this our incessant blame-shifting and this steady drip drip drip of the accumulation of blame will eventually take its toll and you will start to accept the blame and regard yourself at fault.

  1. Did I love him enough?


How many times have you been told, “You would do it if you loved me,” or “You wouldn’t do that if you actually loved me like you say you do”. You face the ultimate in supposed love through our love bombing and it sheer scale of apparent passion, affection and love would cause anything else to pale by comparison. You will always have this thrown in your face as we tell you time and time again about how much love we have shown for you, how we have loved you beyond anything else and nobody could love you any more than we do. Is it any wonder when faced with such repeated assertions and the behemoth that we are of love that you will query whether you gave enough love towards us? Perhaps we behave the way we do because we feel that we love you more than you love us? We will certainly tell you that and because you are such a devotee of love you will feel obligated to try to match what you have received. You cannot do so because the love we exhibit is smoke and mirrors, easy to conjure up, easy to say and what you understand as love takes more effort, but this will not stop you always wondering whether you do enough and whether a little more love might just be the solution that is needed to make everything perfect again. Thus, we keep you hanging on and trying all the harder.

  1. Was I wrong to leave?


This nagging doubt has to be created by us on order to keep alive the prospect of hoovering you. We know that you possess a near indefatigable spirit that causes you to stay and try to make things rights. So often it us that brings about the cessation (albeit temporary) of our relationship and we discard you. On the rare occasion where you decide that you have had enough and make a break for the border, to free yourself of our poisonous influence, we know that you will have reservations about doing so. You do not like to give up on people. You like to succeed. You desire for success is not the same as our self-centred drive for achievement but rather your success sf for other people and we know this. We know that you want to achieve resolution, that is why we lead you around the houses and up the garden path with our circular arguments. We know that you prefer to achieve an outcome, hence why we never fully answer questions, deflect and deny. This desire for a conclusion means that should you ever walk away from us we know you will be plagued by some guilt that you should not have done it. What if he could have been helped? What if he could change? What if he needed your help? Such doubts will manifest and mean that when we loom large as we seek to hoover you, this desire to leave nothing hanging (along with a host of other manipulative methods designed to get you to return) will leave you susceptible to being hoovered back into our twisted world.

  1. Should I have given him another chance?


Maybe if you had given us another chance (to add to the dozen or so that you have already given us) then the outcome might have been different? You invested so much and you gave us so many chances, perhaps you have cut loose too soon? Maybe one more chance was all that was required and now you are left wondering if you have made a mistake and lost the opportunity to help us and resolve our problems. Perhaps you had better try again and give that further chance? It would be such a shame not to do so, especially after all the effort you have put in? This might have been the point at which everything clicked and we finally made the changes and gained the understanding and insight that is required to return to a permanent golden period. You want to see good happen, we know this and therefore we know that you have that nagging itch that if you just gave us another chance this might be the one that is required to get us past the post. It won’t be, but we like to engender this hope in your mind so that you succumb to this doubt and return to us to try again. And again. And again.

  1. What if someone else makes him happy?


Have I been too hasty in making my escape? What if he finds someone else and she makes him happy? It shows it can be done and I let him go and now someone else is going to get the benefit of that wonderful golden period and she might get it all the time. Why should she get this when you have endured both the black with the golden? You are entitled to receive the golden period again surely? Perhaps it was something you had done and now she knows what to avoid because he will tell her what you did in the relationship and she will avoid making your mistake and reap the reward. How is that fair? Why should she benefit from the pain you have endured? It is your golden period and you want it back because it felt so wonderful. In fact, having checked his Facebook page for the sixth time today there seems to be a lot of mutual liking of one another’s posts between him and some new lady, whoever she is. What’s going on there? Has he found someone new already? Could she be the one? You had better act and do so quickly to avoid someone else getting the golden period for good. Why not ring him and arrange to meet up? Head her off at the pass? Yes, we instil such doubts in your mind in order to have you come back to us once more.

  1. Maybe I didn’t help him as much as I could have


There was something clearly wrong with him but maybe he could not help doing all those things. Perhaps something terrible once happened to him and this is why he behaves in such an abhorrent manner? Surely you should show some compassion and understanding in order to help him be free of whatever demons that plague him, after all, are you not a kind and considerate person. This is what you do isn’t it? Help people. You should not run out on him now, he needs you and you are the only one who can save him. Just be understanding, help him, give him what he needs and then together you can overcome whatever it is that has taken hold of him. You have seen him bleed, he is human just like you and it is help that he needs not condemnation. Yes, what he did to you was terrible but what if that could not be helped, what if he was trying to ask for your help and did not know how to ask for it? Now you have walked away from him, right when it is his hour of need. That’s not very empathic is it? That isn’t who you are. You are kind and caring, a healer. Go back and apologise and help him. Submit to his demands and help him walk through his personal hell, surely it is the least you can do, yes?

  1. Did I deserve it?


You spoke out of turn too many times so what did you expect him to do? He is a proud man and it was inevitable he would lash out. If you had not been so weak, you would have not annoyed him. Perhaps if you had done more of what he wanted, gone along with his demands just for the sake of quiet, things would have been drastically different? If you had not been so stubborn or had tried to change him? If you had not tried to mother him? If you had tried to mother him? If you had been someone else? If you had stayed true to yourself? If you had been more like his mother? Less like his mother? More like her? Less like her? You did try but somehow you always seemed to rile him and then the insults and assaults would fly. Maybe if you had kept a civil tongue in your mouth it would have turned out differently? Perhaps if you had tried to look at things from his perspective more often rather than thinking about yourself, then the outcome would have been better? You wish you were stronger and you needed to be stronger for both you and him, but you weren’t and that must the reason he treated you the way he did. Your weakness irritated him. Maybe if you had not been so pathetic then he would have continued to love you like he once did. Perhaps if you had not fought back when he was despondent he would not have felt the need to put you in your place. Maybe you just did not do enough of what he needed because you were too busy focussing on how you felt and that is why it all came tumbling down? Maybe you failed to understand him because you were too wrapped up in yourself? Maybe, just maybe, you got what you deserved?


17 thoughts on “The Seven Sins of the Empath’s Self Doubt

  1. Omg. #3 is my Achilles heel. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. If you can convince me that I’m hurting you, you will string me along for years. I will twist myself into a pretzel trying to make you feel better and trying to explain why your behavior is hurting me and why I must leave. My greater did this to me until I finally got the strength not to care as much about his feelings as I cared about my own. Joke’s on me! He didn’t care the whole damn time! Lol. Your writing is now giving me the strength to laugh at my mid-ranger’s “broken heart”. Thank you HG!!

  2. dickforlong says:

    HG – I’ve been hovering and reading your sight for many months. I am so much of an empath and vulnerable. I’ve been conditioned my whole life — literally trained to absorb abuse and excuse this crap.

    You have a wonderful voice and one of the scariest experiences for me ever was the first time I heard you speak. I was instantly attracted to you and OMG I NEVER EVEN MET YOU! Is there any hope for me? Or should I just chuck it in, adopt numerous cats and get cable? Maybe I should stock up on nonperishables and stay indoors for the long haul?? I swear there are days when I think I will never shed my screwed up thinking.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      And that is your emotional thinking telling you will never shed it. It can be done, but it requires increasing your understanding and application on your part. Organise a consult with me and I will get you started.

  3. dickforlong says:

    Guilty times 7. I did everything for him. If he could he would have asked me to piss for him. But when I left I knew I had given and loved to the best of my ability. I didn’t know he was a narc but I started to hang back and observe him. Instead of being involved in the craziness I investigated as though I was observing a friends relationship.

    When I left I wanted to take a baseball bat to his motorcycle. Then I realized he would be far more upset over the bike than my leaving. I mean where can you go from that except out the door ???

  4. thepianist20 says:

    The last point I would like to conclude by saying, “No! Of course not,, I didn’t deserve it!”

    Bcuz I CHOSE to not be his doormat anymore,,

  5. EscapeArtista says:

    Yep. All of these. This is what I need to read when I start to think I am better/stronger now so I can be his “friend.” Like as if I owe him anything.

  6. Scarlet says:

    HG, the narcissists that lack awareness , do they know they don’t love someone ? Or do they think they do ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They think that they do, Scarlet.

  7. Lou says:

    Well, I always heard I was too sensitive, silly, paranoiac, neurotic, crazy…. All the adjectives narcs use. Even my two sisters used them against me (they still do). The more I heard this, the more rebel I became. But in my core, there was always self-doubt. I have learned now to trust my perceptions and my feelings more. It has been very healing.

  8. Kim Winters says:

    Self doubt is the killer, it is what makes the act of walking away so very hard. I did well in my escape, but, I must admit , there are times when I am filled with self doubt. IF ONLY.
    I have lived this so many times…. round and round and round. Silent treatments , discards , escapes. It is almost enough to quench my spirit. ALMOST. He always comes knocking… and I am always sucked back in.
    Thanks to your writings I have learned WHAT has been happening and WHO is actually responsible for it. I should have listened 15 years ago when my subconscious saw his green eyes as BLACK and that has never changed
    I will overcome this I will permanently win my freedom. And the icing on the cake is my realization that I will be happy. AND HE NEVER WILL.

  9. cc says:

    You get through to me and that is a miracle in itself.

    1. cc says:

      You make me laugh at myself.

  10. cc says:

    W/o even having to finish reading this, it’s almost as if you can read all of our small, collective minds at once.

  11. Tappan Zee says:

    yaassssssssssssss. 7 daggers. :/

  12. Overthinker says:

    This is entirely accurate I ask myself these things all the time and I always feel like there’s one key I can turn to make everything good but I just haven’t discovered it yet

  13. Catherine says:

    I’m guilty of all seven sins of course. I always felt if I tried just a little bit harder, if I just loved him even more if possible, wringing out the last drops of my love starving soul to save him from himself; if I just gave him that one more chance, all would be well in the end. My constant and never ceasing inner dialogue proceeded to tell me I must be at fault somehow, there must be a logical reason for his behaviour, for the abuse I was suffering. Clearly he was tired, of course he was stressed out at work, no wonder he had to take it out on someone. Maybe I talked too much, maybe I should leave him alone more, perhaps I was insensitive to his plight, maybe my love for him wasn’t good enough. I used to imagine our relationship as in overcoming thresholds all the time, longing for that glorious day in the evermore fading future when our love would be the perfect love I had my heart set on.

    I find it somewhat hard to forgive myself today for almost too easily and with submissive familiarity submitting myself to his abuse I must admit. For staying, for not being able to leave for years, for accepting his thwarted reality as my own, for not ever stopping the constant drama that had me on my knees in the end. But I loved him vehemently, my love for him made me feel gloriously alive, he answered to my innermost need to be defined by someone else, and I readily sold my soul to the devil, knowing all along unconsciously that our story never would end well. The hard part now is forgiving myself, taking that hard look at my formative years, letting go of my co-dependency I guess.

  14. Caroline says:

    I’d like to answer these for anyone who is unsure…
    1) No! If anything, you’re up for sainthood.
    2) Yes!
    3) No! You should have left sooner. See “sainthood,” above.
    4) No! You gave too many chances. He won’t stop his cycling and abusing.
    5) He doesn’t DO happy…and it’ll just be your same experience all over again. Pray for her to get out sooner than you did.
    6) That’s what HE would like you to think. See also “sainthood,” above.
    7) See # 6.

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