A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 35


You know what I miss?  I miss hanging out with you watching SNL, Colbert, and hilarious movies, drinking fabulous California Cabs or intriguing French wines. Smoking some weed now and then.  I miss stimulating conversation. I miss our conversations full of wit and feeling like we really connected.   I miss hearing how gorgeous and sexy I am. I miss making fires with you in the chiminea. I miss you taking care of me. I miss R****’s joyful greeting of you. I miss your car in my driveway. I miss your presence. I miss the good ways you made me feel.  I miss your sweet texts. I don’t miss the others.

I miss the way you looked at me and how that look made me feel so, oh so secure.  I miss seeing you at my concerts. I miss you in my house, on my couch, in my kitchen, bathroom, and I miss you in my bed. I miss the Paseo house! You TOLD me that was mine! I miss you all over. I knew all along you were dishonest.

Being a super Empath, I sooooo wanted to believe in you and “our love”. I tried harder with you than my past narcs. You truly showed me the love I’m capable of.  You showed me MY LOVE. You showed me yourself early on. I think the first test was when you called to me to say you broke my Mom’s cake dish. I know now that you were testing me. You didn’t really break it. You wanted my reaction. When *odi called me to warn me while you stayed with me 17 days during storm sandy, (who I now know is a tranny…)  then you took me to NYC to a fabulous Jazz concert staying at the W.  only to phone me after you drop me home to call and scream at me for being on POF. Weren’t you? I mean, how’d you know?  And…??? Anyway, I emailed you next day… hey you’re gf called me… Hoover Hoover Hoover… back up and running… for 5 years.

In one way I thank you for showing what was missing. It’s not you. It was me. I was missing. I can’t believe I still cry over you. Truth is, I’m still crying over me. No worries.

As painful as this has been, my destination will be sublime. The day I don’t ache for you will come. When I genuinely heal my innermost wounds I will not desire you nor will you enter my thoughts. For you are my wounds.
PS:  thanks for all the diamonds. enjoying selling them off

12 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 35

  1. you you says:

    A little too obvious

  2. K says:

    Those first two paragraphs were tough to read. They reminded me of those euphoric and heady days of the Golden Period. Mirrored love gilded with fraud, lies and deceit. Intoxicating, addictive and lethal. Unceremoniously abandoned by these swindlers, we are left behind chasing that elusive dragon, bereft of love and thoroughly immersed in a flood of melancholy and loss. The entire ordeal is gobsmacking and surreal. And, I think you are right about what was missing. We were missing ourselves. Subsumed by the narcissist, we ceased to exist. I hope you have found yourself and I hope you thoroughly enjoy selling those diamonds.

    Warmest regards,

    1. Peaceful says:

      Thank you K!

  3. Overthinker says:

    What a wirlwind

  4. M. says:

    But of course, it is always about us. We are self-centered too. It is our reflection in their eyes that we love. And what a reflection that is. But, it gets dark, and we start missing. We miss us through them-the masters of our reflection. I love this letter.

  5. Tappan Zee says:

    I miss hanging out with you <–this this this

    AGREE. it is hard to let go of the fun intimate parts, inside jokes and even the freaking car in the drive or in my case parking garage next to mine. ahh.

    1. K says:

      So true, TZ! Letting go is difficult.

  6. narc affair says:

    This really hit me all the things you missed with your narc. It created anxiety reading that and i asked myself why? Because this is whats most painful is the loss of everything we enjoyed about our narcs. Thats what makes walking away from the abuse so difficult. It can be 70% of the time is good but 30% is some form of abuse and you have to ask yourself is that 70% worth the 30% youre being abused. It may be a small amount of the time abuse takes form but it could be deeply impacting. Abuse is abuse but the good times shared make it so difficult to walk away. I sense from your letter the pain of revisiting these shared moments and the grief of loss. This everpresence of memories is so painful and something that scares me but i realise its necessary to healing. Walking thru that dark tunnel of no contact to get to the other side is not easy but abuse isnt either and it damages.
    Wishing you peace and happiness in the future 💓

    1. Peaceful says:

      NarcAffair, thank you for your reply. I was crying my eyes out as I wrote that…. I’m 5 months out now after 5 years. I’ve been healing and growing so much since I wrote that letter. I’m meeting new people, and even had a party! It was lovely to fill my home with beautiful vibes and and new precious memories to eradicate the narc memories. That helped so much. I hope there comes a time when I no longer miss any part of him. But I’m thinking that’s the time when I’ve healed all my childhood wounds. For it makes no logical sense to miss that f*ucked up lying, cheating, gaslighting, salad tossing, std ridden piece of sh*t.

      I have to tell you, I love this Blog! HG is amazing, you’re amazing, I love reading everyone’s letters and comments. Sometimes it’s so painful to read some of this stuff, but I guess that’s the stuff that needs to be felt so it can be addressed and released.
      All the best to you NA!!!

  7. Super Empath says:

    I doubt the letter will bother him in the least, but geeeez what a piece of sh!t.

  8. angela says:

    at list he give you diamonts..!!
    My N give me nothing..oh yes one rabbit coat.!!
    But i have my own diamonts and my vison..!!
    Of course i miss him in his right side but i dont miss his evil side..
    Better without them..

  9. Antifragile says:

    I love this letter…

    Secure… yes, their control feels very securing. I felt that comforting feeling too, with the Greater, but not with Mid-Ranger.

    Also I remember that totally secure feeling from the early childhood, my grandpa was the Greater also. I was his favourite little appliance to impress women around. He had big influence in town, performed really magnificent and scary for some people and incredibly charming for women; he had amazing control and ability to rage just with eyes – looked at somebody so angrily, that somebody preferred to hide away. But he treated me like if I were little angel. I adored him until his death when I was seventeen.
    I still have difficulty not to think that narcissists _can_ love. It feels like love… it feels even better.

    Sorry for offtoping, remembering all this. Probably the Greater and how he can manage fuel from family members, using his control, is an interesting topic.

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