A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 40
Hello Dear, you were one of my best friends in high school although we never hooked up back then I always respected and cared about you but never imagined I could love you not like this anyway.
I looked past your flaws, imperfections and shortcomings and seen a man that could accomplish anything. I thought I knew you. Never in a million years would I have predicted we would start seeing each other 30 years after high school. None the less I was so happy with you, just being in the same room with you was enough but when you held me it was heaven.
It just felt so right, I felt safe and thought I finally fit in somewhere. I felt complete, everything just made sense.
Then they came along a string of crack whores young and old. I pleaded with you to stop but it’s like I was encouraging you. You refused, not caring about me just taking me for granted. I cant believe I put up with it as long as I did. I didn’t want to lose you because honestly I don’t know what or how to live without you. I still don’t. from the very beginning you knew you didn’t love me, your intentions were evil and wicked.
Little by little you stripped everything from me. first my friends, I lost my friends the moment I decided to date you. Then my family, my finances, my children, my vehicles, jewelry, anything I owned that was nice or name brand, my credit, my job and possibly my house.
You did not stop there you set me up so I am currently tangled in court , my dignity , my privacy, my karma I even lost the sparkle in my eye. You call me names and make me out to be this really bad person. Everything you call me or accuse me of is what you are. Yet I defend you, for what? So you can drive her around in my car taking her out to eat, giving her money, buying her gifts making sure her bills are paid. While I am at work with no money, no cigarettes, no groceries in the home, sometimes no electricity or running water.
Let’s not forget the kicks in the stomach with your size 13 foot, 3 in a row and not one tear. The 8 stiches on my busted lip, the ladies in the car behind us called the police because I jumped out while the car was still moving. Remember what you said to me when the blood was gushing. You are bleeding all over everything, you are doing it on purpose. SWALLOW THAT BLOOD! But yet I still defended you, I told the police I hit my mouth on the dash when you hit the brake. You promised you would never hit me again. You lied! This time I did not even get an apology, not even a fake one, you just denied it ever happened but I had bruises everywhere.
Every time you hit me was for the same reason one bitch or another you know the ones I make up in my psychotic mind out of thin air. Some how they manage to call and text you and I eventually knock on their front door to confront them. My psychotic mind must be pretty powerful. How could I be so dumb? No wonder everyone is so frustrated with me.
I left a lot of things out of this letter just because I cant even begin to explain it without sounding crazy. For example the video taping and recording me, the skits that you manage to get people to act out like they are real life. The people you have following me where ever I go. The times you drugged my soda or laced my cigarettes, hacked my phone, the gas lighting. Planting drugs on me when you thought I was going to call the police. Getting my son arrested, the many times you left me stranded without my phone or purse. Lets not forget all the games, you know the ones I don’t know I’m playing until its over and you manage to look like the hero when in fact you are the villain and I am made out to look like a crazy or bad person. All the mind Fucks made my brain hurt. You never contributed to the household, did not pay any bills, buy groceries or pay rent. Heck you would take my car and debit card in the middle of the night to the casino while I slept leaving your phone behind so I could not contact you. You did all theses things while making me feel like I’m not good enough, Could you believe I am still not positive that you are really a narcissist. Remember the day you were taking a nap, I seen you asleep and just starting swinging at you I told you I can’t believe you did this to me, then took off running to my car. You sent me a text that said “How dare you hit me you stupid thing, just wait til you get home”. That statement should have confirmed it. I guess I do not know you do I. How could I when you don’t even know who you are, you are just a fake nothing that always wants to be first. I do not know how long it will take for me to get over these past 6 years but I know I will. By the way, I do not owe you a damn thing, on the contrary you owe me so much. Don’t think you got away with all the shit you did to me because you haven’t. You will eventually pay you see my dear you reap what you sow. If you sow evil you will reap evil.
19 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 40”
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@dickforlong:
Thanks for your explanation. It makes perfect sense. It’s almost like quitting smoking, as long as you remember your last cigarette, you’re still a smoker.
This is my second break up with this man, and it feels totally different than the first time. I notice I say “never again” to myself to disrupt thoughts about him. I want him out of my mind, and that’s proven difficult.
This time the breakup is easier because I’m not longing for him. I think I needed the extra time when I went back to him to work on myself and get strong enough to mean it when I left.
This blog and the people who respond to it are very helpful in me maintaining my resolve to move on. It’s brilliant. Thanks again for sharing. Have a good Monday!
CV my heart hurts reading this 🙁 This man not only emotinally abused you but physically. Im so so sorry 🙁 Im so glad you are away from him and never ever go back!!! You felt you couldnt live without him which is a sign of codependancy but how on earth did you live with him!? He was a monster to you. I wish there was a medicine that could heal all our internal wounds from this abuse but i think the only thing is lessening it with time and being fully no contact with the abuser. Give yourself a huge hug from me bc if i was there id do that! Youve been thru so much and endured a ridiculous amount from this evil man. Heres to looking ahead and a brighter future abuse free! Id join support groups on and offline and therapy if youre able. You must have some ptsd i know i wouldve. All the best 💓
There is also something called “Trauma Bonding” and “Stockholm Syndrome” that I believe kept us in for far too long as well. I am sorry that you went through all of that CV. Hopefully you are placing yourself first and will never allow someone to do that to you again. Take care… xo
To respond further, in this letter she mentions having known him since high school. Clearly, there was a great childhood bond on her part. It’s not unusual for someone to uphold someone else who was part of their childhood as something of sentimental value.
Then, add in the abuse and likely she didn’t want to believe he could be as bad as he was. In her mind, she is maybe thinking that letting him go would be akin to letting go a part of herself. Our childhoods are some of our most personal memories, after all. Those are the early moments that shape us.
My experience with narcissists involves my father and individuals I never actually dated, but they still did a number on me. One in particular hooked into me via my most personal route, that is, my creativity and imagination, which made it near impossible for me to let him go. Eventually I had to, lest it would have killed me.
He was never like the guy in this letter. Rather, he would say very cruel things to me in a soft, kind sounding voice and got me to believe I was mentally imbalanced. He was a horrible person, but I kept taking him back (we were so called ‘friends’) because as cruel as he was, he always knew just the right moment to send me that sweet crumb, which I fed off of for weeks and sometimes months at a time.
Forgive me if this comes off as rambling, as I am enjoying some nice wine this Sunday afternoon and I fear it might have gone to my head. 😀
CV, thank God you got out alive! He was definitely a demonically possessed meat suit. (I heard K. Wilson use that description). All the best to you and your recovery.
Peaceful
Even though I’ve never been hit I relate to this letter a lot we put up with things we never thought we would
Truth. Also, another pattern not spoken of much. The “return to old friends” deal. Mine I knew 30 yrs. Came back. There is an inherent trust and familiarity. Their work (much of it) is done before they start. Another narc I am aware of sought out a “friend” from junior highly to make her DLS then IPPS. Just like me. Scary playbook shit..
Good God!
Endearment? NO: Ensnarement.
*Please fix that HG or post this*
Ok. I understand being addicted to someone. But if people are going to keep putting up with being lied to, cheated on, physically abused, yelled at called names, slandered and such. Is all I can say is that the person has such a low self esteem and self worth that the abusive person will continue to get worse and worse because they know that they can. Why would anyone with any self worth put up with such disgusting behavior? The first time that I was cheated on or physically abused would be the last time. I have listened to some verbal abuse and fought back to no avail, so I left, memories or not. One time my ex boyfriend jumped me and I kicked his a– so badly that he ended up in the hospital. I almost got in trouble until the neighbor defended me testifying that it was self defense. And it was. Never again will I get into a situation like that knowingly. Those type of people can bring you down.
Never again will I get into a situation like that knowingly. – therein lies the issue. Your emotional thinking cons you into remaining/going back.
Thank you HG. We are not idiots. We are not volunteer victims. In this “role” I have done the most obvious (to others) insane things which FELT like love or whatever. I knew it was “crazy” and looked like it. I think this is also why so few (judges, courts, friends, etc) believe us. We act crazy. And get judged. People overlay their templates of how they would do this or that. Dismiss us and go, well shit she is the crazy one. Rather than take a look at why some one doesn’t stop abusing, why doesn’t the abused “just leave.” Weird hunger games mentality by the way. Let’s not hold abusers accountable or even mention them. Let’s hype focus on the abused; blame them. And be done with it. Sort of (exactly) how we already feel (to blame) and how the abuser tells us we are (to blame) why wouldn’t the workd follow suit. One voice is often not heard. It takes a choir. Enter HW. And yet even the choir can still be blamed (sluts, attention whores, blah blah) NO. A pig who abused. We need to reorder our thinking, collectively. Because victims are ALREADY hostage and afraid. This is why they stay. Lastly, the abusers are so dangerous to live with. “Just leave” is the worst advice ever with out a plan or knowing the devil they are dealing with. It is THE most dangerous time for a woman: post escape. Have a plan. Follow it, Get help. DV hotlines know. Whether they use “narcissism” or not. They get it and the imminent danger when trying to leave. Zero victim blaming to boot. I wouldn’t be out or alive to have discovered HG, his blog, you wonderful people or what in the actual hell narcissism was had I not gotten out. Your (my) brain and smarts failed me in the endearment. I didn’t “get what’s I deserved” for staying. I am earning it now for leaving.
Ty HG
I said never again so many times. It was only when I no longer needed to say never again was I able to live it.
Hating him was the same as loving him. This shit is like timelapse photography. I gave up a little at a time and when I turned around and looked back those tiny concessions added up to a whole lot of sacrifice.
All I know is I kicked many abusers to the curb easily. But when I met my fucking perfect narc I was done for. He was very good and I was spinning for years.
Love yourself now girl,
When I wrote about no longer needing to say “Never Again!” I meant I no longer needed to convince myself. Or convince a friend. Or convince the narc.
For me, when I now a truth about who I am I never feel COMPELLED to say it over and over. I simply live the truth.
Another example for me was my decision to leave. I would be obsessed with finding him to announce my being fed up and dammit “I’m done. It’s over.” pure attempt to manipulate… Create fear… Pretend I had the strength to go simply in the hope he would convince me to stay.
I was only ready to leave when I no longer cared if he knew; cared about his response, thoughts or feelings. And I did indeed walk away.
I try to remember “if I gotta talk about it then I don’t really have it”.
I can only say these are examples of lies and promises I made in order to feel power. Ultimately, they led to shame and disappointment in myself which simply kept me in the cycle.
I hope this makes sense….
This could’ve very well been written by me five years ago. And yet here I am. HG is right it’s this kind of thinking that not only cons you into going back but prevents you from seeing initially and for some makes you challenge prey.
@dickforlong:
“I said never again so many times. It was only when I no longer needed to say never again was I able to live it.”
Can you expand on this? I have been saying “never again” to myself over and over and over again, and your post has me thinking that my approach may be ineffective. I am okay with this new knowledge, but have no idea how to get to the point of no longer needing to say “never again” and being able to live it?
Can you share your experience?
Thanks in advance.
Also I don’t think anyone gets into this kind of situation knowingly. I feel that this comment is just shy of blaming CV for the Experience. I don’t think that’s fair since you don’t seem to get how thoroughly abuse poisons one’s life and options for leaving.
“understand being addicted to someone. But if people are going to keep putting up with being lied to, cheated on, physically abused, yelled at called names, slandered and such. Is all I can say is that the person has such a low self esteem and self worth that the abusive person will continue to get worse and worse because they know that they can. Why would anyone with any self worth put up with such disgusting behavior?”
I ask myself this every day. Yet here I am addicted to someone and putting up with their disgusting behavior.
I;m very sorry for what you went through,CV. I’m so glad you are out.
“I left a lot of things out of this letter just because I cant even begin to explain it without sounding crazy.”
Hell, WE can hardly believe that ANYONE could do these things.And it sounds crazy trying to explain it to anyone who hasn’t seen it themselves; or even someone who HAS seen it, and won’t believe it.
Living with a narcissist. Es la vida loca,
It’s not just an interpersonal war, it is a fraud.
My grandmother taught me “If a man asks you (woman) for anything – money, roof, food, other material things – leave him. If a man doesn’t know how to earn all of that officially and have to “hunt” women to get everything, he isn’t a man at all”.
Your story is awful, CV. I wish you a strength to overcome everything. Mentally. Physically. Financially. At least, you are free from him and safe.