The Narcissistic Truths – No. 187
23 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 187”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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“The Narcissist on Vacation”
You will do what he wants, when he wants and how he wants. You will go where he wants, see what he wants and stay until he is bored. You will eat where he wants, buy what he wants, etc.
Vacation is just a different place, same exhausting game.
It will be all about him.
The End!
True, but keep in mind there will various behaviours exhibited on a holiday/vacation which uninformed readers may not realise is the manifestation of narcissism and therefore seeing what those behaviours are will lead them to recognise narcissism and place them on the path to gaining further knowledge.
I never fully ‘joined’ my own narc in his games of lies and deceit!
The utter betrayal with what he did with the prenup, was one of such utter contempt I was not going to let him of the hook until he fixed it. His fake temper tantrums, desperate pleas to blame ‘anything’ but himself wasn’t anything I was buying. My gut told me otherwise. I always held fast to the fact that it was only he and he alone who did it no matter how hard he tried to convince me otherwise. Ergo all his disappearing acts, blame shifting, fabricating lies, etc.
I stated numerous times, it either had to be fixed to reflect what we agreed upon, or we were going to divorce. Via attorneys, he produced at least ten different versions all of which were pretty much the same. After much turmoil, he finally started creating the one correct version, which needed a bit of tweaking, that was actually the closest to our original agreement.
However, he would ALWAYS find one reason or another not to be able to get to the lawyers. His last stunt, on our vacation, was yet another. Except this time, he was drunk, and his mask fell off and I saw him for what he really was all about –pure evil with calculated intent.
The whole thing both caused me both furry and confusion at the same time, but it was too late I had gone into SNM as I had enough. This time was going to be different because I no longer gave not one sh!t.
Until stumbling on HG’s site I wouldn’t have been able to finally understand the dynamics of exactly what had been going on. At least I didn’t waste 20-years, only six –two years and two months of which we were actually married.
I’m looking forward to the divorce, so I can get away from him once and for all. I plan to never look back, as I don’t care to see that monster ever again.
He’s just a giant piece of garbage.
mr.Tudor
please,
“The Narcissist on Vacation”
please
that would be a classic article
Good idea, I have made a note.
Thanks
Whoa, just had a thought, a stay in a hotel with an angry lesser must be quite the experience.
…..defeat by exhaustion? If you mean the person entangled with a narcissist I wouldn’t say is being on your side but rather staying unwillingly due to the lack of energy to escape…
Somehow the image makes me think as well about the undergoing smear campaign the narcissist undertakes from the beginning turning gradually people against the person entangled with him/her until no one believes the abuse she/he went through…but then it would be one against the other..
So in either case ,I do not understand why you say: ” until you are on our side”?
Until you do what we want, thus you are seen as being on our side. You are either with us or against us, there is no in-between.
…I understand what you mean.
In my case I stayed because of fear and he knew that. Here it is when your help came into effect: helping me to overcome that fear finally making it possible for me to escape him after many ,many unsuccessful attempts. One of his main manipulative techniques was intimidation: not really direct threats but just letting me know what he did to others( which I could corroborate) so I knew what he was capable of doing if I left him: malice and vindictiveness all over his face.
I was not motivated to be with him any longer : my feelings just vanished with time not giving him either positive ( loving,caring) or negative( angry,sad) fuel.
My question is?
How comes then that he was determined to avoid me escaping him even though he knew and he felt I had no feelings for him any longer and I had had enough of the abuse? He knew I was not willing to stay but I didn’t dare to escape because of fear? I think you call this Challenge Fuel. But how can Challenge fuel be more powerful to some narcissists as compared to positive or even negative fuel?
Challenge Fuel is not separate from positive or negative fuel. It can be either positive (“I love you Mr N and I just want you to try and be here more for the sake of both of us, please do that for both our sakes” – positive in terms of declaring love, expressing hope and wanting to fix, challenge because it is challenging the narcissist’s entitlement to do as he wishes) or negative (“Where the hell have you been, you piss head, it is 3am?!” – negative in terms of anger, challenge as it is challenging again the narcissist’s entitlement to do as he wishes).
He wanted to prevent your escape because
1. He wanted to still draw fuel – you will not have become completely numb to him;
2. Your escape wounds him and must not be allowed;
3. The fact as a Greater he may not have seen you angling to escape offends his sense of superiority and this must be asserted again by getting you under control;
4. There may have been residual benefits he wished to maintain;
5. The state of his fuel matrix may have meant that he needed to keep you in situ.
Thank you for your answer.
1. It is challenge fuel in both cases because it questions the narcissist’s entitlement to do as he wishes.I understand that now.
Do you mean that the narcissist interprets this as a way of controlling him? Even in the case when the way of delivery is loving and for the best of the relationship?
Challenging the narcissist’s entitlement to do as he wishes equals him feeling controlled ?
2. As I recall from your book Fuel: the way of delivery is important in the “value” of the extraction of fuel. In this case if the way of delivery is in the form as you describe in your second example with anger : does the fuel acquired is more potent than in the first loving delivery? We are speaking here of an IPPS..being closer( proximity on the fuel matrix)
3. My ex:
What do you mean with not numb? That the fuel was not stale or that he still extracted some form of emotional response? Feeling contempt for him , disappointment and losing respect for him were the only feelings I had for him at the end. I do not call that an emotional response.
1. Correct. He will seek more fuel and need to assert superiority – that assertion does not necessarily equate to devaluing behaviour every time.
2. Potency is linked to the position of the appliance and method of delivery.
3. Meaning you will have been providing some kind of emotional response i.e. fuel. You will have shown anger and frustration at the very least.
1. So he could be able to assert superiority with a non abusive /devaluing behaviour? Can you give an example of that?
2. Understood
3. Understood
“Why are you trying to change me? I am content as I am, you do not need to change me.”
Yes. That way of saying it sounds very familiar. You are right…there is no devaluing behaviour there…but still extracting fuel?
I think you didn’t answer one question..if you wish to expand: is challenging a Greater’s entitlement of doing what he wishes interpreted by him as being controlled ?
1. Yes because your response to this is likely to provide positive fuel – “I am not trying to change you, I love you, I just want to help.”
2. It is.
Stockholm syndrome?
HG what is the name of the blog entry where you describe the different levels of mid rangers?
You will find more about that in the Fuel Matrix – Part Two
Ive felt worn down many times over again. You cant win at a narcissists game only walk away.
Exactly.
🙁
Hasn’t yet any how, three years after discard.
Is this an actual conscientious specified tactic used?
Or until we escape.