A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 42



You say you miss me. That’s not really true though is it?  You only said that to get what you wanted. And I let you have it. But this time I knew exactly what you were doing.

And that’s what you say to all of them isn’t it?  That you miss them, that you adore them.  Some days I beat myself up for falling for these lies, for allowing myself to get involved with you knowing you were married. But back then I didn’t know about love-bombing or future faking. I thought you were genuine, that you cared for me.   The fact that you were on your third marriage should have been a warning, but your words suggested that in me you had found ‘the one’.

I was blinded in my need for love and affection, especially after being left heartbroken by a man who had decided he was in love with someone else after knowing her for two weeks and did not want me anymore despite being together for 7 years.  That’s why I accepted your invitation for coffee after you left a note on my computer screen to wish me a happy birthday.

I had liked you even before then, there was something about that I found attractive, but I would never have made the first move and I was shaking like a leaf the very first time we met for coffee.  I never thought I would end up being with you.  I poured my heart out to you and you provided the shoulder to cry on.  I would have been happy with your friendship only. But you had a masterplan didn’t you? To lure me in, to get me hooked on you so that eventually I would fall into bed with you.  My heartbreak was the perfect scenario for you.  I know now that this is your modus operandi when ensnaring women– test the waters by asking about their marriages or relationships.  If everything is less than hunky dory, well you might get your foot in the door.

Invest time over coffees and lunches, get the compliments flowing, get her number, text and message nonstop. How l looked forward to your texts every day, to spending what little time you could give me together.  I fell in love with you, and you knew that.  Your marriage was a perfect excuse to not hang around.  I see that now, but at the time I never questioned it or asked for anything. I was just so happy to be with you. And then slowly things started to change. I saw a different side of you, a callous side that dismissed your wife’s illness, wishing her dead.  You left your wife bewildered when you told her you were divorcing her.  Little did I know that by then you were busy seducing someone else. But I found out.  You even told me her name -S.  Did you play the knight in shining armour with her, there for her in her unhappy marriage?  Was it unhappy before you came along?

You have made me feel so worthless, but I don’t think you care.  You didn’t care about your wife, you don’t care about me and you don’t care about S either as you continued to be intimate with me.  Surely if you loved her as I heard you tell her on the phone, you would not still want to be with me? Does she know about me?  I bet not. Does she know you are trying to ensnare other women?  I bet not.

When someone you love dies, your heart hurts, you grieve, you miss them but you know they are never coming back. There is finality in their death.  With you there is no finality, no closure, because you cannot be honest about what you have done and what you continue to do.  Why can you not tell me why you do what you do? What are you scared of?  If you were just open with me, talked to me, I might be able to understand, that perhaps you cannot help yourself.

I want to forget you, but I can’t.  There is something in me that wants justice for the pain you have caused, and that’s why you are always in my head.

I never asked you for anything. I would have given you everything.  The love I had for you is gone, I’m pretty sure.  Occasionally I feel sorry for you, but because you have not one iota of shame or remorse for the way you have used and treated all of us, mostly I hate you. You are nothing but a man whore. You are empty and rotten on the inside.

25 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 42

  1. narc affair says:

    This letter resonated with me jn sp many ways…
    First off the foot in the door you are so right about. Narcissists are predators and target the weak and vulnerable. They smell it like a lion smells an injured animal. Looking back i can see exactly how my narc sensed my vulnerability before even telling him. That weakness is an opportunity for their crazy glue to come in and fix which in turn turns into a druggie fix for the victim. It feels so good to have someone else give us that easy distraction from our pain. The work of having to spend time fixing ourselves can be avoided with the narcissist bc what they do for themselves in avoiding they give us an injection of that too and it works..temporarily.
    It wears off and eventually we see them for who they are…someone just as vulnerable, even moreso. They are dysfunctional and feeding off other people. They are looking for that quick “fix” too. That crazy glue to keep it together.
    You dont need to know why from him to let go. Hes counting on that and that is why they dont give closure bc it keeps you hanging on. All you need to know is he is a two timer who has no remorse. The whys dont matter bc hes toxic and your lifes too precious to waste time figuring it out.

    1. ANK says:


      When i wrote the letter i was eaten up by the need to know why, feeling angry.

      But I am glad to say over the last two weeks I have been able to become a little more detached, less focused on him, and more focused on myself
      and my healing.

      1. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Thank you ANK for writing the letter. (I like the picture HG picked too).

        Narc affair – great response. I get a lot from reading you – thank you for expressing your thoughts in such a visual way – it speaks to me…

    2. Salome says:

      The Narcs “give us that easy distraction from our pain”.

      1. ANK says:

        Yes that’s how they hook us – pretending to care.

    3. narc affair says:

      Hi Ank…wonderful letter!! Congrats on coming out of the narc fog. I call it this bc when youre in it its all consuming and everythings about them(which they want). It takes no contact and diatance from them to start to detox and not need to know the whys and start to refocus on you. I only went one week but at the end of that week i felt a twinge of “visibility”. This i hold onto for later if and when i decide to go no contact. It takes an incredible amount of strength to do so! You did it!

  2. Salome says:

     1. Some expressions make me think that article was writen by HG himself (“modus operandi” etc.)

    2.”unhappy marriage?  Was it unhappy before you came along?”
    That’s a good question!

    3.What? His wife was ill?
    I see the DLS is verrrrrrrrrry dirty…

    DO YOU GIVE SOME “7,000,000 HITS PARTY”?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This letter was not written by me. No doubt the author may well confirm that they wrote it.

    2. ANK says:

      The letter was not written by HG.

      His wife was diagnosed with cancer last year. He told me about it in May when he also told me he was going to divorce her. Unknown to me he had already set his sights on a new potential IPPS. He starting working on her in April and was shagging her by September.

      I found out about her in October.

      1. Salome says:

        How you know that he started to work on her in April?
        What kind of work it was?

        1. ANK says:

          That’s what told me, but of course he could be lying. I had access to his calendar and saw the lunch appointments. Looking back he was always going for lunches with various other women at work. Seeing which one he could hook and reel in. He got lucky with me and then her.
          I feel pretty dumb.

      2. Salome says:

        He could be lying also about the cancer…
        To justify why he has less time for you…
        To have more time for the new victim.

        But you are no more dumb!
        Now you know who he is…

        I wish you a solid GOSO!

        1. ANK says:

          Thank you Salome,

          Yes he could have lied about that too, but i think it was true. He didn’t want to be saddled with a wife that he would have to take care. It was a real eye opener and an indication of how little he cares about anyone but himself.

          Everything he said, there may have been partial truths there but I no longer took them to be true.

  3. ANK says:


    Just wanted to say thank you for publishing and picking the perfect picture – captures the essence of his MO to a T(ea).

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. Santana says:

    Wanting justice for the pain you have caused. When I read this I stopped and just stared at this line. I couldn’t understand why I still think about him all the time and that is it. I don’t want him back, but I do want justice. Hopefully that will fade too because if justice does find its way to him, I will never know about it.

  5. Overthinker says:

    Sad and familiar

  6. JC says:

    Wow Princess A, you sound like you could be my exes ex mistress!!?? I would encourage you to forget about feeling sorry for someone that knew they were hurting people. That is one of our downfalls. I’ve learned not to feel sorry for people unless they are completely helpless- there is a difference. Good for you for walking away. Be strong! They are aware- they just don’t care. You were lucky to not have been married to this jerk. Remember that- you could have been tortured and tormented. You got smart and walked away. No more being supply- you need to feel empowered not worthless….great letter.

    1. ANK says:


      I do indeed feel lucky to have found out about the other woman, lucky to have not ended up marrying him knowing now what a liar and cheater he is.

      And I count myself even luckier to have come across this site. With out it and HG I think I would have still been adrift in the emotional sea for a long, long time. But I have the knowledge and definitely feel more and more empowered day by day. It has taken a while to get there but I feel much stronger. One day he will be a just drop in that ocean, indiscernible from the other drops.

      He can continue to gather his bits of coal, but he will never get the diamond.

  7. angela says:

    Yes ..they are whore ..man or woman..prostitute people.. you must acept this..you must think the man you knew is died..he kill him..
    They hate becouse they hate themself..they cant love becouse they dont love themself.
    Yes ..they are a bag full of nothing.
    Accept and forget…

  8. Tiddlywink says:

    Gosh.. this letter to your narc also describes my mid ranger and the type of behaviour he exhibited towards me as well as towards other women in his web of deceit..and I know for sure that he is still being a ‘man whore’ .. love this description… it describes those heartless cheating narcs to a tee.. tk care of u.. 🤗

    1. ANK says:

      Still being and always will be….. I keep that in mind.

  9. They are so cruel! They comfort to seduce,then put more hurt to you. I was married to one, and I didn’t realize the extent of the damage he was doing outside our home, too, until he was dead.
    I’m pretty sure you’re right in him using his marriage as an excuse to have to leave when he wants, at least one of the reasons I suspect that mine held on to me with such a stranglehold.
    I am sorry I ever wished him on anyone else, scum sucking dickweed that he was.

    1. I hope you find a way to exorcise him from your life. You don’t deserve such a loser! Remember that whatever he gave you when it was good is what he took from you. He is not able to do anything but fakery and mimicry. And he does not care. You have to get to not care about him.
      I wish I could hug you and tell you there is no monster behind the mask. But, we better acknowledge there is.

  10. cheyenne says:

    Ohhh my…I’m so feeling this letter and this poor woman’s pain.
    So many ways felt and things said so similar how narcissist I know left me to feel. Three years post discard..nothing answered. The pain has mostly diminished but I still have a day two or three span where I’m crying, still hits me like a tidal wave.
    Man alive ….the worthlessness they let us feel, or project from their empty selves to let us feel, so they don’t have to. All when we were vulnerable, or perhaps some we’re happy with their self or successful, but then the narcissist tears that down and away somehow.
    Your paragraph about when someone you love dies ..,really fucking made me cry. It still kills me that I have to imagine or pretend that he is dead when physically he is not. The way we are duped with out a care in the world from them, it’s nothing but a little shrug to them. All the questions, and the way they think its fine and dandy to never really try to explain or have any type of heart of heart to conversation about. And i know how the author feels about never having asked him for anything. But now …,do we not see that that was part of our mistake?
    I’m thinking that narcissist’s may have felt very similar (or dare i say worse), to how they leave us to feel? That they had no choice but to build that wall of noncare thus their entitlement feeling they have the right to dupe and step on over anything.
    So they spend the time and effort to ensnare us but seem unable to exert any effort to make us feel better after wounding us so harshly. Its bizzarre, not sure I’ll ever fully understand.
    But thank you to HG, i am piecing more and more what narcissist cover and why.
    And I wonder if a bit has to do with how they themselves never had any answrr as a child.

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