I Love You (And I Always Have)
This is a well-used phrase by our kind and is wheeled out with regularity during love-bombing. At face value and of course that is how you will take it because you are in the midst of a veritable whirlwind of compliments, flattery and passion, this seems a straight forward enough comment to make. However there is far more to it than meets the eye. Just as we operate from a different perspective to you, we also utilise language in a different way and one of the key ways of tackling our kind is to understand what we are REALLY saying when we use these delicious phrases and appealing comments.
So, what do my kind really mean when we say “I love you and I always have”?
My need to seduce you is considerable and therefore I will use language which will appeal to you and be so outlandish that it will blow you away. I do not actually love you. I do not love in the way that you do. I understand that the closest I come to it is infatuation. I am not in fact infatuated with you but more precisely with what you can do for me. My needs are paramount. Yours are largely irrelevant. I write irrelevant because I do take them into account during the seduction but after that they are thrown to one side, but that is something different and not the purpose of explaining what I mean when I say the above phrase to you.
I say I love you and mean I am infatuated with you. I am infatuated with three things that you will give me through my successful seduction of you.
- Fuel, the most important item;
- Useful traits which I can apply to my construct and parade as my own achievement, characteristics and accomplishments to make me appear even more attractive to you and other people (and thus get more fuel); and
- Residual benefits such as a roof over my head or getting you to pay for things.
I want those three things. I want the fuel most of all but the other two matter as well. To get those things I need to seduce you. To seduce you I need to say things like this, grand statements which will amaze you and sweep you off your feet. Why will it have this effect? Well, because you are a love devotee. As an empathic individual one of your traits is that you are a love devotee. This means you belief very much in the concept of love, how love is wonderful, how love can conquer all, how love crosses any boundary and love is amazing, splendid and the best thing in the world. I know you are a love devotee because I have studied you before I approached you. With this knowledge I know that making a statement like the one above will resonate with you considerably for the following reasons: –
- As a believer in love you want to hear that someone loves you;
- You want this love to be grand, sweeping and extraordinary. By explaining that I have always been in love with you, I achieve this. It is a statement which conjures up images in your mind’s eye of me waiting for years before I picked my moment to tell you, of me sitting with my love burning away and how you have never noticed. It appeals to you to think in such terms. It is romantic and glorious.
- I will have plausibility on my side. I may know you already as we may be friends or colleagues. I may be a neighbour. I may be your therapist even. If I do not know you in detail, we may know each other by sight and the occasional hello from attending the same gym or such like. You may not know me but I will generate (fabricate) a back story that I have watched you from the coffee shop every day as you walk past (once I have established that you do so) and I have been in love with you. This plausibility overcomes any natural hesitance you may have. The immensity of the love factor in this statement will overcome any slight scepticism you may have, that having been eroded already by the plausibility.
Saying this statement is a direct shot at your heart and is part of the harpoon strike that we engage in when we are seducing a victim.
It is not true however. We have chased plenty of people before you. We may have only set eyes on your two days ago and we do not love in the manner that you do. Everything about this statement is false, it serves our purpose to seduce you and to do so quickly.
To learn and understand more about what the narcissist really means when he says certain things to you, read DECIPHER : WHAT THE NARCISSIST REALLY MEANS
17 thoughts on “I Love You (And I Always Have)”
I am soon to be divorced. My husband abused me verbally, emotionally, mentally and financially. I was unhappy in my marriage some time ago – probably for the last 8 years. Ever since my daughter was born. It was as if my husband was jealous of my daughter, that I was giving her too much of the attention I should be giving him. He became complacent with himself. Drank too much, smoked weed. stayed in an unfulilling job. But there were good times. We have a lot of similar interests and friends. I tried to make the most of it, convincing myself that I could make us be happy. I had 4 miscarriages between my 1st and second child. After she came along, same thing. Our conversations revolved around the kids. I tried many times to talk to him about his tone – his belittling and critism – how it crushed my spirit. He would accuse me of something that wasn’t true and I’d jump to defend myself. Then he would accuse me of being argumentative. He’d point out my flaws, and joke about me in a sarcastic but insulting way to my family and friends. I stayed loyal to him, still convinced that we could be happy somehow. I was a hard worker and could try to predict his moods, or I could be more perfect and make him happy. But of course that never worked. I’d get anxious whenever he came home. avoided him. Organized separate activities so we could avoid spending too much time together. He yelled scary loud at the girls. Rode them and corrected their minor anniying behaviors (get yourf fingers out of your mouth. Stop touching your feet). Whenever we did something as a family we would argue. EVERY TIME. We would arrive to an event stressed and thankful to mingle with other people rather than each other. All the while, I developed a crush on a co-worker. I never acted on it. He was married – I was married. I enjoyed working with him. He was clever, sweet. He always told me about his boys and i told him anout my girls. I started to wear cute outfits on days when I knew I’d run into him. I’d fantasize about him. My marriage was so miserable and thinking about this other guy was the only place I would allow myself to be unfaithful. The past two years, I completely avoided my husband. Any time we were together we would have arguments that would leave me feeling defeated and miserable. I realized that he was dragging me down. I needed to take care of myself and be in control of my own happiness. So, I took matters into my own hands. I started socializing – I never went out since the girls were born. I would meet friends for yoga, maybe drinks. Not often. Just enough to start making me feel well. I spend a lot of time with my daughters. I prefer to be home with them, or with them doing things. So spending time with friends was kind of stressful for me but it was good for me to go out. Part of me was nervous to leave him alone with thge girls because he would drink and smoke weed while eatching them. I started exercising. I started a new business making handmade skin care products (I still work two other jobs, 1 part time and 1 full time). This was rewarding and I started feeling great. I figured out that I knew my marriage needed to end, and that I needed to show a better example for my girls. I would hate for them to be in a relationship like the one that I had. My mind was made up. Then, last January, my husband was injured in a trampoline accident. He broke his leg and needed surgery to replace a ligament. He needed complete care for a month. I regretfully put my own marriage ending agenda aside and was a dutiful and loyal wife. I helped him and took on any household duties he may have done. He seemed to be appreciative, but became super depressed (this was also the same time as Trump took office and he was reading all of this horrible, depressing news). He would eat dinner, go upstairs and fall asleep by 7:30pm. I was doing everything. He was barely making it to work and back. I put all of my socializing and self care on the back burner. By the time he started feeling better, he decided that going out with his friends, drinking and smoking weed was what he wanted to do. Not spend time with his family. He even went out with his buddies on our wedding anniversary! I was DONE! I again brought up the issues. The responses were, “i’ll do better, it’s a phase, we just need to have sex more because that will help us connect”. I was repulsed by him by this point. He would smoke weed during the day in our attached garage with the girls 1 wall away.
drank every day. He refused therapy. Then in november 2017, I explained the severity. Either we go to therapy, or it’s over now. Ilhe finally agreed. I said it can’t go on like this. He admitted to the belittling. The depression. He said he’s in a rut. He started exercising and avoided taking digs at me. He drank and smoked weed less. He was trying, supposedly. I knew it was over, but I wanted him to get well, because I needed him to be an effective co-parent. I wanted him to be able to be secure for the girls. At this point he was moping around, trying to gaslight me, by getting my family and friends to agree to my problems, saying i lied to him by pretending to lo ve him, so i am to blame for our divorces. Isn’t annie so unorganized, she lost her keys again? Or to my girls, you are going to have to get used to a lifetime of dishes in the sink. At therapy, he told the counselor, that he was nice for 2 months and it got him nowhere, so he was done. At the same time (november 2017) this was going on, I learned that my co-worker had gotten a divorce. We had already developed a sort of friendship through working together. He would make coffee and bring me some. I would chat with him on FB messenger. Well, one evening we learned that we both sort of had crushes on each other. We talked a lot about his divorce, and my marriage troubles and impending divorce. He provided very good advice, since he had just been through this process. His situation was different than mine, since his wife didn’t work and I do. He and his wife had similar emotional issues though, where he was always trying to cater to her needs and always feeling let down. His wife had an affair, and he quickly agreed to divorce her once he found out. He was very hurt by it, because he is a very loyal person, but after some soul searching came to the conclusion that her affair actually gave him an out. He listened to me, and helped me. After my husband and I agreed to divorce, I started sleeping with this man. It is very sweet, but we only see each other maybe twice a month, because I’m in the middle of divorce and we both have kids (he has his kids half of the time). But even still we have an intense passion. It wasn’t something I was expecting, but I cannot resist him. He is kind and gentle, but an ambitious hard worker, making sure his ex wife, and kids have everything they need, putting his needs last. He is a generous person, a thoughtful person. It seems to me that he is the exact opposite of my husband. I was perfectly content to be alone – happy with my girls and yoga and jogging and making skin care products. and it seems like out of nowhere this new love has come. I am doing a lot of reading and watching a lot of youtube videos, and this makes me nervous. I’m worried that I’m falling into a trap. If this happened to anyone I knew I would warn them to be cautious. I would think it was too soon. My question for you is how can I tell if he’s a new narcissist? Could he just be a nice guy? Since my divorce is not finalized yet, no one knows about him. But we talk about spending more time together once my divorce is final. such as taking a weekend vacation together. eventually introducing our kids to the other. And then introducing our kids to each other. My intuition is saying that he’s genuine. But as I watch these videos about the love bombing phase I get nervous. any tips on how to tell? Thank you for doing what you do! Sincerely, Annie
Hello A, thank you for your comment. Given the detail involved both in your comment and the provision of a reply, matters such as your ought to be dealt with through the auspices of a consultation.
How do i get a consultation?
Hello A, if you go to the menu bar you will see the options which give you more about audio or e-mail consultation and how to make payment.
One of the last things he said to me,and I felt like I had been slapped, but I didn’t say, No, you just want to make sure you are not abandoned again.
Today a flyer came in the mail, addressed to W saying, W give Perse a gift she’ll cherish forever! The personalized I Love You diamond pendant from BS Mint! Showing the pendant inscribed:
I loved you then,
I love you still,
I always have,
I always will,
I felt like I’d been slapped, yet again.
I want to be a non functioning appliance
I want to not be an appliance
I am a rat who loves HG.
Lundy Bancroft, who works with abusive mengave a lecture viv a vis when an abuser says “I love you”.
He talks about the abuser believing this to be true- the trouble is with the feeling the abuser (narcissist?) associates with the word “love”.
What he associates with “I love you “ is actually that is he is deeply attracted to the things he feels his partner MUST be doing in order to make him to feel good. Which, of course, has nothing to do with real love, its all about the abuser.
Bancroft never mentions narcissism, though.
My narcissist fell short when he said “I love you “ his actions were inconsistent with those of someone who genuinely loved me.
For me it became an obvious, glaring hole in, what I now understand was, his ‘construct’.
He couldn’t fake real love.
I told him that the day he dumped me- and it was the deciding factor why I never returned. It made all of his later hoover claims of love just laughable to me.
Yeah, Narc’s love is an infatuation – addiction (among other types of addictions they have).
HG, you are infatuated in our love. You are infatuated in the feeling to be loved. The individuals behind are of no interest. If it is a rat, who shows you some affection, you “fall in love” with a rat.
Everything said and done is to gain fuel – if he says a compliment like “you are beautiful” or “you are pretty” do they ever really mean it – as well as just saying it for fuel? (Or are those words lies too?)
I don’t think it matters if they are telling the truth or lying.
I think it’s a form of manipulation.
At least from my experience.
Whenever he would say you’re beautiful. I thought to myself ok what does he want now? Does he want to see me naked? Does he want to go fishing? What did he do wrong? How much money did he spend?
Or if I was angry at him he would say things like “you’re to pretty to say ugly words like that.” Or “whatever you do don’t smile.” Worked every time. I couldn’t stay mad.
I even asked him if he really meant it or if he was just saying it to manipulate me. And he would say “you are gorgeous what can I say I am a lucky man.” And others times he admitted to the manipulation.
But I am an enabler. I would allow the manipulation for my own selfish desires.
Dear Mr Tudor,
My friend uttered those words to me. I said “no you don’t, if you persist along these lines I shall no longer be your friend” … be back flipped 100 mph.
I tried to leave then and many times after, but I was worried about his mental condition, so I stayed to help and mend …. very regretful decision.
Thankyou Mr Tudor
HG, I’ve read some where that your kind hates to hear the words I love you said to them. That it’s painful and the worst thing you could say to one of your kind. Is this true? And if so, why?
No, it is fuel. Whoever wrote that doesn’t understand us – mind you that does not surprise me.
Mine always repeated how amazing and hot we would have been, had we only met when we’re in our 20’s. That he was always looking for me.
Mine too! I recognise this so well. He went on and on and on about it and never stopped. I used to joke about it saying that we were lucky not to have met that early in life since he’d probably left me for his secretary by now then. He had no humour though.