A Letter To the Narcissist – No. 49


Dear Mr. Mediocre,

Oh, come on now – let’s stop pretending you’re offended by the way I addressed you. I mean, after all that is in fact what you strived for.  I must admit it continues to baffle me.  For someone as intelligent as myself I never could wrap my mind around the idea that someone would strive to be average and actually be content coasting toward a whole bunch of nothingness.

When I first met you I thought you could be special.  Little did I know just how disappointing you would turn out to be – but at one point I saw something in you that caught my attention. Let me add that it is extremely difficult to catch my attention.  Well, you were weird and I was on the hunt for something new and exciting to become fixated on.  That reptilian stare gets me every time doesn’t it? I know it gets you too.  I mean after all you were mesmerized by those big green eyes that were full of intensity and made you feel as if you mattered.  I hunted you down.  I chose you.  Oh at first you lapped it all up.  You lived for the high I gave you.  It was entertaining to watch you play all coy with me.  I even thought it was cute how you would take different routes around the building just so you could get a glimpse of me.  You even started to keep deodorant in your desk.  I know how you would wait in anticipation on certain days when you knew I would be around – hoping… that I would come by your room and grace you with my presence.  Remember when I used to hide notes under your car handle and how excited you were to find them?

You were completely entranced and  taken with me …but were hesitant to give into me. You questioned my motives and even insinuated that I was a “man-eater”.

Well, I figure there’s no point in keeping that charade up any longer because after all we aren’t playing a game anymore.  Since I’m not seducing you lets keep this direct and simple.  You don’t deserve anything flowery or poetic. I told you everything you wanted to hear.  I reflected back the perfect partner – so much so that I actually almost believed it.  I was so generous I even let you feel as though you were in control.  In the haze of infatuation I actually believed I could make those sacrifices because I would get everything I wanted in return and more.  I tried to be myself, I really did but you wouldn’t allow it.  You constantly rejected it as if you were above me when I was the one who was doing a favor by dating you.  I was the unique one.  I was the charismatic, charming, intelligent, beautiful one out of the both of us.  Sadly, you are dumber than I thought.

You really are beneath me. How could you not have enough sense to recognize that I am the best you will ever have in your life?  I recognize now you can’t help the fact that you are so simple minded – or a “simple tool” as your mother called you.  You would have been content with a peasant because you are a peasant.  To add insult to injury you are a closeted homosexual.  Now, I had a feeling you were bisexual since I spied on many of the things you did.  I was okay with that.  I could have accepted you if you had just allowed me to be myself and appreciated the greatness that was right in front of you.  You just had to shove your common – average – boring – insipid ideas and traits on me and couldn’t bring a single thing to the table.  I was under the impression if I kept giving you what you wanted I’d get what I wanted but as usual you fucked up and couldn’t do anything I asked of you.  It’s pathetic really.  You couldn’t even fake anything properly.  You should have been proud of the fact I not only had my masters but I achieved my doctorate and even managed to get published while dealing with your theatrics.  I am a reflection of you – you idiot.  You should have been happy to brag about me. You never respected me – even in regards to my profession.  It’s confusing because I was the one who had the people skills that saved you every single time you got sloppy and made yourself look like the loser you really are.

You really weren’t good for anything Other than getting on your knees and servicing me.  Try not to get a hard on from that line.  I know how much you love it when I make you feel like the loser you are. You don’t get to get away with all of the whining and pushing weird sexual shit on me – basically making me feel as though I were a prostitute – no.  You now have to sit there and listen to me calmly tell you what a nobody you really are. I’m doing you a favor.  You should know the truth about yourself.

Did you honestly believe I didn’t know the majority of the bullshit you pulled? I loved toying with you.  It was hilarious puppetting you around. You never knew how to handle me.  The look of panic on your face was priceless when I would drop hints I knew you were hiding things from me.

You never met my friends and didn’t know about the existence of many of them. You thought I didn’t have any.  The truth is that you would just make me look bad.  You wouldn’t even try to engage anyone in conversation because you have absolutely nothing to contribute other than sports statistics, beer, and your extensive  knowledge on big dick dating websites, small penis humiliation, and bareback tranny porn.  It evades me what I ever saw in you.

Things aren’t always what they seem.  I’m the most honest liar you will ever meet. You never knew me.  We were both strangers parading around as if we were in a relationship.  I even fed you lies at times to see if you would betray me and you did.  You never had my back.  I couldn’t tell you anything. You were a Benedict piece of shit through and through.  I’m beginning to get bored writing this letter.  That is how much you don’t stimulate me.  I figured I’d be kind enough to give you some closure since I basically vanished from your life because I just didn’t care enough to provide you with any real explanation.

I’ll never tell you all the things I know about you.  What’s the fun in that? It’s so much more exciting when everyone knows but you.
I sleep easy knowing that I don’t have to do anything to destroy you.  You do the work for me.  You aren’t worth the energy – that would require me to care and I just don’t.  Its unfortunate for me that I wont ever get the pleasure of seeing you crumble as I say all of these words to you in that apathetic and condescending tone you despise so much.  No need for anymore words.  I have nothing left to say.  I still stand by my silence.  That was the best way to deal with you.  I had to remind you that you don’t matter and I did.

Never yours,
Dr. H. Q. Somebody

287 thoughts on “A Letter To the Narcissist – No. 49

  1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


    Stand the fuck up and tell these nobody narcissistic assholes to sit down. Love me or hate me – call me whatever you want- a fake doctor, a narcissist, whatever makes you happy. It makes no difference to me. What I hope you all take away from this (even the people that don’t like the way I express myself) would be the following:

    1.) Everyone copes differently and no one can tell anyone how to cope. The only issue that arises is if the way you are coping is having a negative impact on other people and hurting them – then my suggestion is to think twice.

    2.) Consider context before judging other people.

    3.) You really do teach other people how to treat you.

    4.) Know your worth and don’t let someone make you feel like your needs don’t exist and don’t matter.

    5.) Think twice about being with someone who doesn’t allow you to express yourself and be yourself. One can express thoughts and feelings in ways that arent abusive and hurtful to others.

    6.) People can feel how they want. No one can tell anyone how to feel and ultimately argue someone’s feelings.

    There are more … but I’m content with listing those for now lol.

    1. E. B. says:

      Thank you for your advice, Dr. Q.

      1. Jenna says:

        Hi doc,

        I am joining u. I believe some pple are thinking i am a narc too. Maybe i am.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        EB – Sending some serious love in your direction.

        How have you been doing?

        1. E. B. says:

          Hello Dr. Q,

          Thank you, it is very kind of you. I have realized that I dissociate a lot to avoid unbearable emotional pain. I did not know about this before. I went through painful experiences in the past years and especially in the past months. Among other things, I was not able to stop things sadistic narcissists did to a helpless family member just because they wanted to punish me for no apparent reason. I guess I will have to live with these guilty feelings and memories until I die while the perpetrators will never pay for what they have done. The first time I noticed it I was in the supermarket: I felt disconnected, as if it was just my body standing there but not me. I do not know how to explain it. It is getting better, though because I try to become more aware of my feelings if I notice I feel myself removed from the environment.

          I hope you are doing well now that your ex is out of your life. I love your screen name. You also remind me of Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs. Do you treat or are you in contact with psychopaths? I mean, apart from Batman (HG). Do you have to visit clients who are in jail?

          1. Jenna says:

            Hi EB,

            Pls try not to feel guilty for what the narcs did. Try to remind urself that it is not ur fault. U r not to blame for their unpredictable behavior.

          2. E. B. says:

            Thank you for you kind words, Jenna. Their behaviour was not unpredictable. A relative of mine once told me what happened to her child. This year I was in a very similar situation and I remembered her words. I immediately knew the two sadists targeting me would do the exactly the same. I tried to prevent it from happening and asked someone for help (without being specific as to what the sadists were capable of, just in case it backfired). Instead of helping me, she betrayed me. I realize that even if I had not done anything at all, the sadists would have done it anyway. Damned if you do, dammed if you don’t. People do not want to know how cruel apparently normal empathic ladies can be. They will not let you speak if you want to talk about the abhorrent acts they commit, unless you are speaking about cruelty to animals and the abusers are men.

          3. Jenna says:

            Hi eb,

            My apologies for the delayed reply. Are u saying the lady u contacted for help is an empath but she betrayed u? If so, that’s just awful! Imo, some empaths can b v mean. I’m really sorry u had to go thru that. Do u think being on hg’s blog will prepare u better to detect such pple in the future?

          4. E. B. says:

            Thank you so much for all your replies and for your concern. No need to apologize. This woman turned out to be a MRN. I had to make a decision to prevent the worst from happening and she was the only one who could help as she was not sadistic. I find that some women (not all) are very good at faking empathy (FYI, this is not about romantic relationships). I do not trust anyone here.

      3. Jenna says:


        Yes, some women r v good at faking empathy. I am not surprised that she turned out to be an MRN. These are probably the best at faking empathy, imo. It is good u realized what she is. I am sure hg’s blog is helping all of us to spot them now. Take care eb. Continued healing to u. 🌷

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      I’m sorry you have gone through the abuse you have gone through. I completely understand the guilt associated with some of the things you are alluding to. Please try and keep in mind that you can’t control other people you can just control yourself and from what you are saying it was completely beyond your control. The mind is an amazing thing and it tries to protect us in various different ways. It would be beneficial to look into depersonalization and derealization.

      Sending you love….


      1. E. B. says:

        Dr. Q,

        I felt much better after reading your comment. Thank you so much for your help. It is true what you said that it was beyond my control. However, the feelings of guilt are there when I think I am to blame when narcissists choose me as their target and innocent people are hurt too because they want to punish me. As for feeling disconnected, thank you so much for suggesting what it could be. You are right. I googled DPD yesterday. It feels as if my mind is separated from my body and my surroundings: depersonalization. Luckily, I have always been in control of my body. I have not experienced any depersonalization symptoms this week so far but they may come back. What you told me made me aware that what I went through was too traumatic and it may take longer for those symptoms to disappear completely.

        I did not know you deal with psychopaths *on a daily basis* and especially with those before they are sent to prison. It sounds fascinating and dangerous at the same time!

        Thank you once again, Dr. Q. I wish you a good weekend 🙂

  2. Indy says:

    Hi Doc,
    Keep on slaying! For people that have a hard time understanding how empathy and narcissistic traits CAN coexist, get to know Doc thru multiple posts and then read the letter WITH IN THAT CONTEXT.

    Often times emotional thinking and narcissistic thinking can lead to black-white m, Good-bad inflexible thinking without nuance or understanding the blend. Doc is that blend and this letter shows what it looks like when you dim you empathic traits when angry and over it with an abusive partner. Some empaths go hard and leave like a bomb! I left like a white hot laser beam (precision, cold blue fire, with deep exact wounds). Doc nukes!

    It took me a couple of reads to get it. And I now see this is coming from that place of “done!” It may not be everyone’s style, though it is how Doc dealt with her abuser and left with her strength and firey spirit.

    I also wish to state that no one on this blog should ever even HINT at someone to commit suicide! This is very triggering and is verbally anusive and in some places illegal. Consider who reads these. I personally struggled with suicide and suicidal ideation and major depressive disorder for 20+ yrs. It triggered me to just read it. I’m fine and not cool.

    Angry to see such comment made it on the blog. Yes, I know Doc is strong but never assume what ppl can and cannot handle.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Indy! ❤️

      Thank you for reading my letter and being able to read between the lines. What is interesting is how some people missed the parts that speak of being treated like a prostitute and not being allowed to be myself in any capacity. I believe the tone and the role reversal may also be the pieces of the letter that are confusing some people.

      No one likes to feel as though they have/had lost control. I don’t like to feel as though I was a victim in general let alone someone who I perceive to me so beneath me that I allowed to treat me so terribly. What I realize now more than ever is that I always had the control but my emotions made me feel so out of control. It’s tempting to lose yourself if someone else. I won’t ever let that happen again. I also won’t ever question myself or let anyone disrespect me.

      Of course I’m still angry, but as time has passed that anger has subsided quite a bit. I cycle through indifference and a sense of calm to these bursts on anger. It’s a process.

      I will tell you this … I no joke don’t put up with shitttttt anymore. I am not ridiculous I just assert boundaries and don’t let people take advantage of me or treat me like a chump. I don’t even bother arguing – I disengage. This is because if someone has displayed careless or obnoxious behavior I don’t stop and give them benefit of the doubt because the truth is that people make up excuses for people. That is how you get in far too deep and then you become way too attached. If someone isn’t giving you the proper attention or affection or whatever it is then just cut.

      Behavior will always speak more than someone’s bullshiy words. Words are so damn played out. They bore me – they mean nothing to me. These people are so fast to ghost on you after saying bullshit to you and reappear. Don’t sit there and think why did he disappear? Who cares? He doesn’t value you and he is a loser… next.

      I’m not going to sit there and it effort into someone who doesn’t put in the same amount of effort or more. It’s not happening. That’s sets the stage for the whole relationship – and I’m done with all of it.

      I don’t have time to play Mickey Mouse games with people anymore. It’s a waste of my time. So what if I’ll be alone for awhile? It’s so much better than being with someone who won’t give me what I need and then I’ll have to pull myself out of that shit show.

      The fucking emotional agony of being someone’s emotional punching bag does not appeal to me. I look back and can’t believe I did it and for so long.

      Do you not deserve love? Are you not worthy of someone loving or liking you for who you are?

      I know what I deserve and anything less than that is unacceptable.

      Know your worth and don’t settle on bullshit. Don’t sit there and let anyone treat you as if you don’t matter and your needs don’t exist. You don’t exist to serve another person’s needs.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Lmao…. that’s me….

      Throwing grenades and dropping some serious atomic bombs….😂😂😂


  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    You said I would’ve hit the ceiling
    You said I
    You said I should eat my feelings
    Head held high
    I won’t take anyone down if I crawl tonight
    But I still let everyone down when I change in size
    And I went tumbling down tryna reach your high
    But I scream too loud if I speak my mind
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    The devil in me
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    The devil in me
    Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
    Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
    Gotta wake up, come back to life
    Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
    Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
    Gotta wake up, come back to life
    You said I’m too much to handle
    You said I
    Shine too bright, I burnt the candle
    Flew too high
    I won’t take anyone down if I crawl tonight
    But I still let everyone down when I change in size
    And I went tumbling down tryna reach your high
    But I scream too loud if I speak my mind
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    The devil in me
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    I don’t wanna wake it up
    The devil in me
    Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
    Gotta wake up, gotta wake up
    Gotta wake up, come back to life

    ….now I gotta wake it up
    the devil on me

    1. Narc Angel says:

      Doc HQ

      So many questions……

      Ist-you ok?

      2nd- who eventually woke up?

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Narc angel,

        I’m good lol.

        I was listening to Halsey and felt the lyrics were appropriate because they sync up with the theme of my letter.

        Hey, I mean ….he forced me to wake up the devil in me lol.

  4. Narc Angel says:


    It is an easy mistake to make. I mean I thought I was one right? It is over time and with careful observation that you see the intention behind the words, the actions of the person in their related experiences, their interactions with others, and the information that HG provides that helps you to decide. That goes for here or in ones personal life. The bottom line for me though is: Although the person may be blunt, direct, and forceful in their observations and interactions with others, does this person display any type of empathy? Ever? Does it ring true? What do you identify as the true intention of their statement or action? Also, if you ask them to clarify or expand on either, do they oblige or just make a bunch of noise to distract you from the issue? At the end of the day empathy is just not something a narcissist has and may ultimately help you to identify a Super Empath from a Narcisdist regardless how narcky you may think we are being lol. I think its important to be able to make the distinction because one should not want to exclude strong people from their lives-just abusers.

    1. analise13 says:

      Thank you Narc angel.
      I will be more mindful of such things when reading.
      I wasn’t passing judgement on anyone.
      But, I do admit I confused some Empaths,
      Mostly, I thought.
      Wow, they are self aware.
      Or, wow, they don’t know they are a narcissist.
      I am glad to better understand now.
      Yes, I do not wish to shut out good strong people from my life.

    2. ava101 says:

      There was never a doubt that you are an empath, NarcAngel! That is clear as daylight and anyone here could have told you that a year ago.

      It is not as clear with other personalities frequently commenting. I find it sometimes hard to distuingish as there are other psychological make-ups coming in between, which might be a bit hard to analyze by just looking at comments here.

  5. Narc Angel says:

    Lets get something straight. Super Empath is but a category of Empath given to distinguish one group from another and nothing more. It does not mean that they are SUPER in the sense of being better than the others or that there is some special merit or pride in the fact that HG has expressed that he would prefer one as an IPPS. Think about that for a second. He prefers them because they present a challenge and break down at a much slower rate. THEY CAN BE ABUSED FOR A LONGER PERIOD OF TIME without breaking down. Is that something to be proud of or aspire to? Yes, they can sustain a lot and they do have higher and more narcissistic traits that may allow them to wound and escape, so others may look to them as showing strength, but that strength is a gift to be used to help others-not to be bantered around as being superior. Such rubbish to think youre superior because you can sustain more abuse. You are also not a Super Empath because you got mad a couple times or told the narc off. Read the articles and consult with HG so you can properly classify yourself to make the best use of the information provided and help with your healing instead of fixating on being in what you think sounds a better classification. Those who think that it ensures them a “better” narcissist (whatever the fuck that is, and in some cases I daresay they think they could capture and tame HG) needs their head read and should consider affixing themselves with the proper label of NARCISSIST.

    Super Empath

    (I know because I thought I was a Narc but consulted with HG who assessed me as S.E and no it is no special badge of honour).

    1. HG Tudor says:

      HG approves.

    2. Well said NA.

    3. Twilight says:


      Words of wisdom and many should listen.

    4. Star says:

      LOL NA you KILL ME! I do love this response for a whole bunch of reasons:) You are always so on point. Thank u for the reminder that’s it is quite ok to just be an ordinary run of the mill empath. It was good to hear that:)

    5. Caroline says:

      Thank you, you little angel… when I first came on here, I was reading and digging into everything…I made the grave mistake of typing out that I think I may be a Super Empath…pretty sure I am, but I do not want to ask HG, who maybe knows. But it was a “holy crap” moment for me… like a “no wonder I am such a weirdo,” lo, NOT a “I am superior” moment. It just serves as a guide, to understand myself. Still not asking…lol.

      1. Caroline says:

        Oops. I forgot, Stage Left (Right?)>>>>>

      2. dickforlong says:

        I agree whole heartedly! The search for understanding. I do believe I am an SE. I also believe I was with a greater. I am now with a midranger…

        However, my belief rests a great deal on my internal life and has nothing to do with standing up to the narc a few times. I also don’t PREFER or ASPIRE to these categories. It just is what it is.

        I am also quite willing to change my mind. I haven’t been able to consult with HG yet. I suspect he already knows the school to which I belong. When he enlightens me I will be able to approach and digest the information more capably.

    6. Ugotit says:

      That was a great explanation thanks lol I think I’m a narcissist sometimes too especially when I think about the fact I will literally lie and make any excuse when it comes to doing someone a favor. Its really bizarre but its always been this way

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        I quite honestly do not feel broken. In many ways, I have been EMPOWERED. The stark realities of living with a narcissist has allowed me to discover my greatest assets, my drive and my ability to laugh and discover the humor in my very absurd life….

        ^yasssss dickforlong

    7. Jenna says:

      Hi narcangel,

      “It does not mean that they are SUPER…”

      Dying, dying, dead! 😂😂😂

    8. analise13 says:

      Narc Angel
      Thank you for that decisive and excellent explanation.
      It was required.

      I myself have been confusing Super Empaths for narcissists on the blog.
      My mistake.
      Which makes me worry then which ones are the narcissists.

      I guess it doesn’t matter in relation to me.
      As I do not engage in argumentative debates.

      Yes. It is not a badge of honour to be abused by any means at all.

      1. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

        Speak to HG, via phone call. You will learn what a Super Empath is, plus you will also learn what cadre of empath you fall under as well.

        1. analise13 says:


          Yes, Empath descriptors confuse me more then Narcissistic ones.

          From HG definitions, I would be a Magnet Empath.

          If I was still with a Narcissist in my personal life,
          I most definitely would have consultation with HG.

          Otherwise, it would just be morbid curiosity on my part.
          But, I can learn all I need from his.blog and books.

          I have maintained no contact, prior to finding HG.
          Well, what I originally thought that was.
          Until, HG helped redefine these perimeters.

    9. K says:

      Excellent, Narc Angel. I concur.

    10. narc affair says:

      Hi Narcangel…i agree with your post on what a super empath is. It definitely doesnt make one superior at all. At the end of the day weve all put up with abuse but endured it differently. I think some may look at super empath like a super hero of some sort but youre only a hero to yourself and others once youve seized your power and got rid of the narcissist. The biggest hurdle is learning about yourself and understanding why were attracted to dysfunctional people or attract them to us and having enough self love to say no i dont want that in my life and move on. That to me is the super hero empath. The super empath as ive learned here is more someone that can dish it out and disengage only to come back again at a later time.
      Also ive seen in some super hero empaths ive come across their empathy shine even brighter as they make it their goal to educate and support others. Those people inspire me greatly!

      1. narc affair says:

        I wanted to say also i think people confuse a magnet empath with a super empath i know i have. Im still learning the different types lol its helped to pinpoint certain personality types out there. I also think people can have bits of different types within. First and foremost id classify myself as a codependant but i know for a fact ive experienced a supernova exactly how its described in the blog. I felt guilt and questioned what kind of person i was but i know now i was at my limit and exploded. Ive had 2 supernovas that i can recall. One with my mum and one with my present narc. Ive also seen doormat within me too.

      2. narc affair says:

        I wanted to add that i think all of us are super people and hope that healing makes us even more stronger and able to resist future narcs and buzz them with our narc super sword!

        Narcangel…id have to agree with HG you are a super hero empath bc you escaped and are free and have no interest to hook up with a narc again. You come across very enlightened and can see thru the bs. You also offer invaluable advice and get people to think by the questions you ask. You are the wonder woman of empaths 💣💣💣💥💣💣💣

        Dr. HQ….you also are a super hero empath for the very same reasons. I love both of your humor as well!! 💥💣💣💥

        1. Narc Angel says:

          Hi Narc Affair

          Oh I dont think HG considers me a super hero empath lol, and not only because it is not one of his classifications of empath, but thank you for your kind words all the same. I maintain that I have no more strength or power than any of you-I am just not afraid of mine and I exercise it. See? Even that may sound narcky to some, where I just believe it to be factual. I dont worry that someone wont like me because I said it or am not concerned that it will diminish me in some way or in the eyes of others by expressing it. It is my belief that you are all super people with strength and possess great power, but are saving it for some reason other than yourselves, and that is what causes my frustration at times. That you all have it and it is being wasted on those who are not worthy of it because they abuse it. I believe it was LOVE (a previous contributor to the blog and whom I miss) that said I was the person that removes the vaseline from your love goggles. If I could have a super power as an empath I would choose that-to remove the vaseline, to show you that power is not only a negative thing, to remove your self-doubt in feeling worthy of using it. To show you the danger and futility in giving it to someone else.

          1. dickforlong says:

            I too am unafraid…. We watched Erin Brockovich together. Half way into the movie we turned and stared at each other because I had said EXACTLY the same things. He thought they interviewed me. A few years later a good friend from university called me after years of being out of touch because she watched the movie and was stunned at how like the character I was.

      3. DebbieWolf says:


        You are tender and gentle and thoughtful.
        This comes across.
        At least knowing there are these qualities in the world still after all that has happened to us is good to know.
        The empaths and people that care on here shining out are so valuable.
        Thank you to all for so much.
        More than you could know.

        1. Jenna says:

          Hi debbiewolf,

          I agree. The empaths are shining. You, debbiewolf are shining brightly! Your words are very peaceful.

      4. narc affair says:

        Thats so sweet debbiewolf than you! Ive always enjoyed your posts and you come across caring and very insightful! 💓

    11. DebbieWolf says:


      Love your comment.
      Always the voice of reason and you are fair.
      Always appreciate your point of view

      Carrier Empath.

      1. Narc Angel says:

        Debbie Wolf

        I consider it a very high compliment to be deemed fair. Thank you.

    12. ava101 says:

      which narcissistic traits do you think you possess?? If I may ask.

      1. Narc Angel says:

        Hi Ava

        Well off the top of my head I would list:

        Sense of entitlement and superiority (say what I like when I like with little to no accountability)
        Engage is risky behaviours
        Rule breaking and boundary violation
        Lack intimacy (hate cuddling,spooning, kissing)
        Sex is about power and release-not love
        Bored easily
        Feel no real attachment to others
        Use control, crticism, manipulation and blame
        Feel an emptiness where others easily display warm emotions so I often have to fake them
        I do not know love.

        We all have some narcissistic traits but it is the frequency and intensity with which they are used or engaged in.

        1. K says:

          Narc Angel
          Sweet. I have some of those too.

      2. ava101 says:

        Thank you very much, NarcAngel, that’s interesting.

        1. Narc Angel says:


          Youre welcome. In addition to frequency and intensity I should have added who those behaviours are directed at. I dont throw them about indiscriminately. There is of course an empath list of traits but you didnt ask for those lol.

      3. ava101 says:

        Hi NarcAngel:

        I know your empath traits. 🙂
        And you have an interesting mixture.

        Yes I thought so, that you are more careful about whom you show your narc traits to. 😉

        I can have some narc traits, too, when triggered in certain circumstances by certain people, especially when provoked. But not that many or so strong. Not like you.

        Do you feel that all of your narc traits are inherent or that some are more learnt from narcs in your childhood?

        Because I think I can show narc like behaviour when triggered, learned from my parents, but just on the outside.

        1. Narc Angel says:

          Hi Ava101

          I believe I was born with the very strong empathic traits of honesty, decency, and am definately a truth seeker. The narcky traits (if we’re going to call them that) being that I always felt confident that I was as good as everyone else (not better) so would not accept less and was not afraid to speak my mind. I do remember always thinking I was different than others though and its difficult to explain but I’ll try. I knew instinctively that StepN was evil and could not figure out why adults would let him do the things that he did. I did not see him so much as strong but rather others weak in not standing up to him. I marvelled at how I could see this and I would silently will his victims (adults) to say or do something and then be incredulous when they would back down. Even my mother-I would be giving her the advice an adult should be giving and not a child to an adult. So the confidence I was born with was definitely bolstered into narckiness if you will as I started adopting some of his behaviours but initially to protect myself (as in using intimidation in the schoolyard to keep bullies at bay), but I did not bully people myself. It went from the schoolyard and home into the workplace and my relationships. I consider myself to have tremendous strength in relation to others (because frankly that is what I see) but I also consider myself to be more empathic and having to use the narcky traits to enforce my boundaries and defend others where I perceive injustice or an imbalance of power. How narcky of me lol. I never wanted to BE him but I have had to be LIKE him in some ways to effect that.

          He used to always sneer and say to me: You think youre so smart. I admit that I revelled in the fact that I knew I was but was still under his control at that time. Later when I would encounter a narc I would refer to it as my dragon awakening. Slowly simmering away in my belly that person would become StepN and I would have to show them that I was indeed smarter than they thought. Sometimes I see a fine line between bullying and when I am trying to get someone to see their strengths and to stop making excuses and enduring more abuse. It is never my intention to hurt them but sometimes I do and thats my bad.

          Sounds awful but thats the truth and you asked lol.

      4. ava101 says:

        Thank you! Narc Angel!

        You had also younger siblings, if I remember correctly?
        You describe it really well, I can almost picture you as a young girl. 🙂

        My sisters are older, but I was the only one who ever shouted back at my father and sent him running off in a fury to his study, slamming doors, etc., because I saw no reason why he should get away with his behaviour, incl. using my mother as a slave to bring him coffee, etc.; I was also the only one ever saying “no” to him. I believe that I subconsciously wanted to protect my mothers since my earliest years. When I feel my submissive streak rising I remind myself of my mother, *ugh*! ;D

        I never felt superior though, or tried to get anyone to use their strength (in childhood, I do today), I was successfully conditioned to feel that I am not entitled to anything and not as good as anyone.

        My eldest sister is just as egoistical as my father was, but she never used it in a positive way.

        Your confidence, sense of superiority, etc. sound much different and better. You also describe how you trusted your own judgement. I never did. How did you manage to remain confident and reliant on your own good sense?

        1. Narc Angel says:


          You remember correctly-I am eldest of 4. All the same mother but 3 different fathers. Of the 2 that are StepNs biological children, 1 is an empath (sister) and 1 is a narc (brother).

          I dont know how to answer your closing question except to say that I never wavered in knowing that I was right and that things did not have to be the way they were if people would step up and not accept his behaviour. I never accepted that we were the nothings that he tried to make us believe and I vowed to never let him break me. I hated him but I thought it a worse fate to become like her. Her betrayal was the greatest-she was my mother and failed to protect me.

          1. Jenna says:

            “Her betrayal was the greatest-she was my mother and failed to protect me.”


  6. Star says:

    In fairness to Dr HQ, I recently came across many many letters that I had written to my ex. Some of them were sad, some of them confused, some of them where I was an absolutely begging pleading mess. But amoungst those letters there were angry ones where I was absolutely brutal. I put him down, I raged, I attacked everything about him. I was mean and probably sounded extremely high on myself. I said things on those letters I would never say to him in person or even admit to anyone else that I said it or felt it, because honestly I sounded like a horrible person. No he never saw those letters and never will, but I feel that writing out these letters was a safe release for unresolved and conflicting emotions. They are not always cheery letters, there are not always kind letters. Sometimes they are just very angry very brutal letters to help one heal in that moment.

    1. K says:

      Thank you, Star.
      NPD abuse can be brutal and confusing and sometimes the healing process is, too.

  7. Lorna Sturgeon says:

    How do I become part of a site/blog on this issue. I instigated no contact, had a great 8 months-found out my ex is dating again and once again fell down the hole…I am aware of my part but desperately need help on STAYING AWAY- thanks ever so much Dr. Q

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You speak to me.

  8. Narc Angel says:

    Someone get a broom and a mop in here quick. The floor is littered with masks and manure.

    1. Jenna says:

      Narc angel, welcome! I was hoping u’d find ur way to this page! I love ur ‘grand entry’ hehe! 💗

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Narc angel,

      I’m dead 😂!!!!

      You have a way with words…


    3. Caroline says:

      Right? That was brain + heart overload for me. Thanks for the comic relief, Narc Angel.

  9. Bekah B says:

    This was awesome, Dr. HQ.. Thanks so much for sharing.. I can’t wait to feel the same way one day for my narc..

  10. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I just wanted to once again thank all of the people who have been supportive, understanding and open minded. Many people were able to grasp the bigger picture while it was lost on others.

    I make no apologies for my letter – my feelings – my thoughts etc. I will never cope and behave the way some people feel as though I’m “supposed to” so making comments preaching certain things will be pointless. I won’t conform and fake my feelings because it makes certain people more or less comfortable. If you don’t like what I write then don’t read it.

    Everyone copes and grieves differently. No one is in any place to judge another or tell them what they are thinking or feeling or how they should think, feel, or behave – ESPECIALLY when it doesn’t inflict harm on other people.

    Not everyone will like me or agree with me but that is life and that is totally okay with me. I just hope in some way I helped at least some people by writing my letter and sharing my perspective.

    We often forget that psychologists are humans too.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi Dr. HQ…i appreciated your letter and the time taken to reply to people. Its a risk opening up and being yourself and i have a lot of respect for that! I value everyones letters and input bc its their unique story and experiences and putting it out there to share is not always easy so thank you! 🙂

    2. abrokenwing says:

      I believe everyone makes judgments, base on that they make observations and formulate their opinions.

      You said people are entitled to their opinion but is it only when they like , show approval and praise?And if they express a different view they are being judgmental, unsupportive and close minded?
      We all contribute by stating our opinion to which I believe we are invited here , making observations not delivering a sentence.

      My comment reflects how i felt right after reading your letter. I understand it may not be very diplomatic but same time it did not meant to be critical or aggressive in nature and I’m sorry if it have had a harmful consequences.
      I have a tremendous respect for everyone who took their time to write the letters and share their experiences here.
      I read you letter 3 times trying to understand your perspective and why i felt the way I did about your letter and I think whilst many people before expressed their hate,disgust, repulsion, contempt towards their narcissists, the depths of those feelings were generated from the brutal hurt, pain and suffering they experienced ( which I totally understand) and in your letter it seems to be driven by your own grandiosity, of being superior Superiority which not only manifest in your letter but also in many of your comments.
      Your letter reminds me of Mr Tudor ‘s ‘ Love letter’ and ‘Utter disgust ‘ sort of combined together and maybe because of that I somehow failed to see you as a victim at first , hence my reaction.

      I don’t know you. I can only make my observations base on how you decide to present yourself here. You said it is you in this letter but I can see a different person in the comment section now.You have also stated that you are a different person here on the blog and different in your professional life.
      I’m looking forward to read your second letter which as you have mentioned will show yet another side of yours.

  11. Brian says:

    Dr HQ.
    Thanks for the interesting read.
    Would you care to expand on ‘ I tried to be myself, I really did but you wouldn’t allow it’?

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Hey there! Sure, no problem…

      Every word, thought or well anything was put down and criticized. I couldn’t express a thought or an opinion. Every sentence I spoke was followed by some kind of remark – often passive aggressive. I couldn’t express myself the way I wanted to. “You shouldn’t be so….” “You should be….” He would talk out of his ass on shit he didn’t know anything about. He tried to prevent me from being me. He would often dismiss me – my thoughts and my feelings and invalidate them.

      Me: It just kind of upset me when…
      Narc: you’re not upset.
      Me: what?
      Narc: you’re not upset.

      Me: can we just briefly talk about (something that happened)
      Narc: get mad…! Get mad!!!
      Me: im honestly not mad I just wanted to bring this up quick
      Narc: get mad!
      Me: if you keep saying that I’m actually going to get annoyed. Who actually says “get mad” and thinks it will lead to something productive?
      Narc: get mad..

      I couldn’t watch tv shows I wanted to watch even though he was in the other room because he didn’t like them.

      It was ridiculous and we would battle day in and day out. As time went on I let him carry on and looked right through him and would say “are you finished?” “This is boring me” “okay clearly you’re upset – I’m not doing this right now”

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      I would observe him during family things and did shit like that to his brother. His brother mentioned not liking something (forget what it was) and my ex would say “yes you do” and his brother would say “no I really don’t like ____” and then my ex would be like “oh stop you like ____”

      I would pick out clothes online – everything I showed him “aren’t you too old to wear that?” “I hate it” “that’s slutty”….

      I watch serial killer YouTube videos and watch investigation discovery before bed and he would say things like “ugh why do you have to watch that stuff before bed” mind you he was playing games on his phone and wasn’t paying attention to me anyway.

      1. narc affair says:

        Giggling …i love those serial killer investigative discovery episodes too 😂 The one you posted about the Iceman was really interesting!

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Narc affair,

        Lmao! I know I’ve found my man when we can watch them together before we go to sleep 😂!

      3. Kimi says:

        Dr HQ and Narc Affair,

        My Sis and me would watch hours of Forensic Fridays (we’re both nurses), order food in and drink wine! Life was good!

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi kimi …lol ive always loved forensics and been intrigued by criminal cases. Forensic case files and cold case files are my two fav! I think i went into the wrong career 😄

    3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      If I didn’t like a movie and he liked a movie I was criticized.

      If I made a comment while watching something he would snap at me.

      Every piece of me … every thought or opinion or anything was supposed to be silenced and I will never ever ever be silenced.

      1. Brian says:

        Thanks DrHQ
        ‘get mad!’ lol talk about a direct request.
        Yes you were with a narcissist.
        The ‘you should be’.
        Telling people how to feel about everything.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        After those type of interactions and him ignoring me or ruining something he would just like come to bed and like whip out his dick and look at me and expect me to just please him.

        He would ignore me and say obnoxious shit and then randomly approach me and grab up on me as if I should be excited to go at it.

        When I would say “I’m not in the mood” or make up some excuse not to engage or even provide a real explanation for not wanting to have sex be would huff and puff and silent treatment me or punish me later in some other way or explode the next day ….. or he would keep pushing and whining.

        Not hot.

        Not to mention I wasn’t into the sexual shit he was into.

      3. Brian says:

        whoa yeah, entitlement issues right there.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I think “get mad” is hands down one of the most annoying things and strangest things I’ve heard anyone say to me while trying to engage in any kind of dialogue lol.

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        And how could I forget his famous line that came New Year’s Eve as we were welcoming in 2013….

        He got mad over something totally ridiculous as usual and it went from 0-100 real fast and then he started saying “I don’t need to deal with this!” “You were just good enough to fuck”

        … or him referring to me by my body parts like all the time.

        It wasn’t like hot it was like gross and creepy and would get weird as hell lmao!

        1. dickforlong says:

          HQ- ah yes the sexual degradation.

          As I told my ex “If I made a life like cast of my boobs I could die, my rotting corpse bloated and covered in flies, the walls painted with arterial spray and the neighbors would know I was gone before you.”

          The only time he knew I was in the room was when I was sitting on his dick.

          Kudos to your letter. It caused much debate and extreme emotional reactions. Reading them has added incentive to continue self examination. Introspection and asking myself relevant questions. I learned long ago having the answers to questions meant nothing unless I was asking the right questions.

          Asking myself the wrong questions has allowed me to remain glued to my abusive relationships .

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        My sociopath friend of course loves to say “shut your hole” and “your holes are open” to me but we both start laughing about it because let’s just say he said that to the wrong female lmao 😂.

    4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Sometimes when I would start talking he would laugh and tell me (as a joke of course 🙄) “shit your holes” …”Your hole is open”

      I’m sure you can piece together I did not shut my hole.

      1. Brian says:

        I can imagine 🙂

  12. analise13 says:


    I was also responding to your comments regarding your own narcissistic side.
    That you wrote about in your own replies here.

    If that is your strength and defence mechanism to keep you strong and safe.
    Then you need not make apologies for such to anyone, ever.

    I was acknowledging your self awareness and fortitude.

    My point was to detach the need for labels which seem to create a sense of competion in this forum.

    Narcissist, co dependent, Empath, normal, super Empath.
    All the cadres and schools of such.

    I prefer we relate as human beings. With our own struggles, complications, issues, personas and strengths.
    Regardless if we are any of the above.

    Basically, why can’t people, just get along.
    Simplistic, I know.
    Idealistic, maybe.

    I am-not addressing abuse from our relationships,
    that should never be endured or tolerated.

    I am referring in general to this blog, in our dialogues.

    I am happy when I see it happening,
    I am saddened when I see needless personal attacks occurring against
    HG or his readers,

    I guess, I just wanted to express that after many months of my own observations,

    1. Jenna says:

      Hi analise,

      I very much like ur comments. They are always polite, and well thought out.

      I also wish everyone cud get along. I believe as u stated, it is idealistic perhaps.

      1. analise13 says:

        Thank you Jenna.
        I try to be understanding of others perspectives.
        As you do as well.
        Even when they vastly differ from my own.
        It is easy to slip into judgement at times.

        Yes, if not even get along,
        Respect one another would be a lovely beginning.
        I understand how a place like this can become heated.
        I intentionally avoid those discussions.

        We can always hold to our ideals.

        1. Jenna says:


          Yw. It is evident that u try to understand differing perspectives. I also do the same. We are all different after all. I just wish some pple wud do so in a more constructive manner. Also, many pple slip into judgements without knowing all the facts. Imo, this is very unfair.

          1. analise13 says:

            Yes, Jenna.
            We can only be responsible for how we are.
            How we react.
            How we treat others.
            I find it best to avoid or ignore such discussions.
            Especially if a resolve is not possible.
            Expend energy on those things you can change.
            Often, another’s opinion,
            Is not one of them.

          2. Narc Angel says:


            I respect your approach that one should direct most of their energy to things they can change and that you find it best to avoid or ignore some discussions, but I hope you and others who feel as you do weigh in from time to time as I find your comments polite, direct, and in the spirit of learning. I learn from the views of others and if people like you dont participate I feel we miss out on a different perspective and a chance to consider changing or expanding our viewpoint. Always your call though.

          3. analise13 says:

            Thank you Narc Angel.

            You are correct.
            I do see discussions and disagreements as I read along.
            I do have thoughts on them.

            But, I choose to keep them to myself.

            I appreciate that you are always forthright, humorous and open with your replies.

            I will consider weighing in more with mine,
            When the situation compels me.

          4. Jenna says:

            Hi analise,

            I agree with ur viewpoint. It is not necessary to expend too much energy fruitlessly, as i am coming to learn.

            A little bit of energy expenditure is warranted. Like narc angel stated, i wud be happy to see u participate more in such discussions as i regard u as insightful.

          5. analise13 says:

            That is good Jenna.
            It will help you feel happier.
            To feel less in defence of yourself.

            I will try to be more involved conversation wise on the blog.
            When I am on.
            I mostly just read, ask HG questions and ocassionally comment.

  13. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:


    Your story was hilarious, except all pain Mr, Mediocre, bareback tranny lover has caused you.

    You shine bright like a diamond.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Thank you so much – that was very sweet of you. 🙂

      Hugs from afar.

    2. M. says:

      Debbie, Caroline, Twilight, dear girls. C’mon. You are being over-sensitive here. Blank’s comment was harsh, I aggree with you, but it doesn’t take a lot of effort to understand that the Prozac thing was a manner of speach.
      Blank, her letter did not disgust me or anything. But right from the beginning of her appearing in the blog, I had this annoying feeling that something is wrong with our “doctor”. That feeling persists. I believe she may keep fooling herself in many instances (I wrote to her about it). There is another case, though. She may be playing with us. And , if that is the case, she manages well.
      Until now, it is impossible for me to trust any word she writes. I guess the same applies to you. But we are the minority. I usually trust my instict, but there is always a possibility I may be wrong.

  14. Blank says:

    I don’t know if it is the different cultural background, but I was completely disgusted by this letter, made me sick to my stomach all day. The smugness, the hypocracy… You call HIM a narcissist?
    Please woman, since you claim to be a doctor, have an overdose of Prozac or so.. the world will be grateful.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Normally I wouldn’t even entertain the comment you just made; however the things you said could be very damaging if said to another person on this blog. You are entitled to your opinion and you don’t have to like me at all but please try to be mindful of telling people to basically overdose and kill themselves because if that was said to someone who was in a very fragile mind state you could really inflict some serious damage.

      1. Blank says:

        Being haughty again Harley? Thanks for allowing me to have an opinion of my own, that is really generous of you.
        I didn’t ask anyone else here to overdose, did I? I never would. But I thought you could handle it, because either this letter is a joke, in that case you could see my comment as a joke as well, or your letter expresses who you are. Then – I feel free now to give my opinion – I think you’re a real narcissistic bitch.
        Please read your letter again and tell me how to think of it otherwise.
        In the title it always says “letter TO the narcissist” and I can’t handle the gaslighting in this case.

      2. K says:

        Dr. Q.
        Your letter was flawless and I understood you completely. I welcome all your thoughts and feelings, no matter how you choose to present them and I am grateful for that. Thank you for sharing.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Thank you to the ladies who are being supportive and understand my perspective. i appreciate your non-judgmental attitude and open mind.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      I understand that my letter may have triggered thoughts of your narcissist or conflicts with your idea of how someone in the mental health profession should think or feel but I would like to stress that no one is in a position to tell someone else how they should think, feel, or cope.

      1. Blank says:

        Then please don’t tell me either how to cope Harley (this really is a joke.. read your letter again I would suggest, starting with the first line where you tell your victim how he can’t be offended).
        You don’t tell me either what I can or can’t feel or write. It’s up to HG to decide if he wants the comments posted or not. Anyway, if this letter was real I think you are a real bitch and I don’t think you are a health professional at all.
        The nickname you use is Harleen Quinzel (Harley Quin from Batman the animated series), your photograph is that of Anne Boleyn (played by actress Natalie Dormer). I bet you relate to them because of their evil characters.

      2. Blank says:

        Oh.. I see, in the second comment you tell me I am not in a position to tell someone else how they should think, feel or cope. Huh? What did suddenly happen to the entitlement of having my own opinion Harley?
        You don’t want me to believe you really are in the mental health profession, are you? In that case I would recommend your patients to go elsewhere real fast.
        You use the name of Harleen Quinzel (Harley Quinn from Batman the Animated series) and your picture is of Anne Boleyn (played by Natalie Dormer). I bet you relate to both their evil characters.
        But no hard feelings Harley, I’m a narc lover, so I love you too.
        Have a nice day!

    3. Caroline says:

      Okay, I am taking a deep, cleansing breath first…

      It is understandable if you cannot relate to how someone else expresses themselves, because you are not someone else. This letter is a release for the person who wrote it, in her own way — it is not something she actually said to the narcissist. It is her voice, and she is being honest about her own feelings in dealing with her own trauma.

      It NOT understandable to suggest she kill herself by taking pills, saying the world would be a better place. Do you really want to suggest that to another human being?

      Please tell me I misunderstood what you said, Blank.

      1. Blank says:

        No you didn’t misunderstand me Caroline.
        This is my voice, and I am being honest about my own feelings.

        I thought Harley could deal with a bit of verbal abuse, since she seemed to be very good at it herself.

        But to ease your mind Caroline.. In real life I would never harm anyone purposefully. I just couldn’t take this letter seriously. But maybe there is something I don’t get that you all are aware of, maybe you all know Harley in real life. Because from reading this letter I can only come to the conclusion that she is a narcissist herself.

        1. Caroline says:

          I know you have your own voice too, and I respect that. But I have a hard time seeing anyone get “beat up”/mocked/slammed for expressing themselves, when they are not hurting anyone else at all… and the pill comment was really sad and scary to me! It hurt me to read it, and even though Doc Harleen seems tough, she has feelings you know.

          I don’t know anyone on here in real life. Maybe others do. But I think we’re all just making the best judgment calls we can on how we interact/with whom/the comments we post. If you want to think someone is a narcissist on this site, you are obviously free to think that. I’m pretty sure we all have thoughts in regard to certain posts that make us scratch our heads. We’re all human. We can all only do the best we can, in communicating. But since we can’t be sure of anyone 100 percent (nor do I think we need to), I just think being as respectful as we can to everyone is a pretty good policy, right? No matter who people are. I mean, we have no idea the burdens, scars or pains anyone has… and we don’t know how they are doing each day. Someone may barely be getting out of bed each day. Someone else may be tending to gravely ill child. We just don’t know.

          So for what it’s worth, I respectfully suggest you *may* just want to consider if/when someone’s — anyone’s — comments on here irritate or anger you… you may want to hit the “pause” button and just remember that “you’re not in it,” meaning everyone has their own story/life/personhood…it’s not about you, and nobody is trying to hurt or offend anyone else with their voice…and unless someone is directly attacking you or someone else on here… well, sometimes it’s best to say nothing, or “walk it off.”

          Which is what I will do now, lol. I’m not mad, but I’ve expressed myself enough on this thread. I only speak up when I feel truly convicted to, but I will now exit off stage left. >>>>>

          (er, or is that actually stage right?)

      2. Blank says:

        Sorry Caroline, I overlooked your second comment. Oh Caroline, you are so sweet and considerate, I bet you have a pair of wings attached to your body 🙂 I looked for a ‘pause button’ on my body, but I’m sorry to say I couldn’t find one (on the contrary, I found one that would get me off).You know, if I have to take in all the suffering in this world, any time I’d reply, I would not be able to make any comment whatsoever.
        But if you want, I do apologize, to you, to Harley, to all the readers here, to all the people who suffer, to all the citizens of my country, your country and all other countries in the world. I even apologize to everything alive on this planet and every atom in the universe and all parallel universes.
        Would that do Caroline? X

    4. dickforlong says:

      So you are upset about being affected emotionally…. ?

      Your response is so intense to a letter not even written to you I have to assume you’ve tried to bury the narc in your life. This site is going to destroy you.

      Avert your gaze to salvage your emotional stability.

      TY HQ- very successful letter. Such extreme responses… Its good for the soul. Can you say fuel?

      1. Blank says:

        Dickforlong (what’s in a name?), this site is not destroying me, the opposite is true actually and I must say I am emotionally very stable these days. Thanks for your concern.

    5. DebbieWolf says:


      The letter HQ wrote was a cathartic exercise.
      Everybody is entitled to their opinion about it.
      However, to say you were disgusted and then to say something even more disgusting which is to suggest that she kills herself is hypocrisy and a filthy, unclean remark.

      I myself can honestly say I didn’t misunderstand any part of the comment you made which was completely uncalled for.
      You are entitled to your opinion ofcourse you are but you are not entitled to tell her to take an overdose and kill herself.

      Why not?

      Many reasons too long to go into here but suffice it to give the first reason …first reason is: this is a place of learning, healing, understanding and progression.. not a place of suicide and regression. We are here because we abhor cruelty, wish to avoid it and seek the tools to do so.

      It is not impressive and I myself am not impressed by an individual that has come here to make comments that would deliberately hurt someone who has already been hurt and just simply expressing themselves by invitation of the host.

      The letters are invitations to get things off our chests. It’s an exercise and it is part of what HG has deemed a good excercise.

      Finally, before you profess to speak for the world ..remember that you need to be in possession of the facts..one of which is that you are only you – you are only one person and are not representing the world at all…or correctly.

      I am part of this world and you do not speak for me.

      That is my final word on the matter regardless of any response you may or may not decide to make.

      1. Blank says:

        You know what Debbie, I’ve read the letter over and over and tried to heal, learn, understand and progress… but unfortunately that didn’t happen. How did you do it?
        And tell me about the double standards, because my comment really was a cathartic exercise also.
        You tell me several times I am entitled to my opinion. As long as I don’t express it you mean? That’s not fair 🙁

        And hey all you empaths, if you say to someone ‘go to hell’ you don’t really wish them to go to hell do you? (if there was such a place). ‘Have an overdose’ is the same, it’s just expressing anger or frustration. I never did express those kind of feelings in the past, but my psychologist said I should.. and I must say, it feels good. Honestly, you should try it as well.

        Seems you’re all more Catholic than the Pope.
        I’ll leave this subject now, and if it makes you feel good.. I’ll go with my tail between my legs 🙂
        Thanks y’all, I enjoyed a bit of a fight here, cause my life is pretty boring without a narc to entertain me.

    6. Twilight says:


      Humor is very therapeutic, suggesting someone to overdose is not humorous but a tactic a bully uses them covers it up with “It was a joke”

      1. Blank says:

        Sweetheart.. where did I say my comment was a joke? You haven’t read very well. I said if Harley’s letter was a joke, she could see my comment as a joke as well. I guess her letter wasn’t meant to be humurous, so neither was my comment. And I explained the rest in the above comments.
        Calling me a bully is fine with me -I’m not a person who is easily offended and I forgive quickly- but I know I’m not one and neither would anyone who knows me consider me to be.
        Goodnight Twilight, I hope you sleep well!

        1. Twilight says:

          If I was calling you a bully I would have said “you are a bully” I said it is a tactic of a bully.
          You state “her letter wasn’t meant to be humorous, so neither was my comment” so I will take this as you meant what you said.

      2. Blank says:

        Don’t piss around the pot Twilight, you were calling me a bully. Either you haven’t read my comments carefully, or you don’t want to get it.
        I will spell it out for you:
        I-reacted-to-Harley’s-nasty-letter-with-anger /disgust/ repulsion/ aversion-whatever-the-right-English-word-for-it-may-be- It-really-wasn’t-a-letter-filled-with-kindness-nor-humbleness-was-it?- Maybe-I-came-on-to-strong-but-that-is-usually-my-way-Tact-is-not-one-of-my-best-skills-I-am-pretty-straight-forward- Mind-you–I-do-not-want-to-see-Harley-hurt-in-any-way-I-do-not-want-her-to-overdose-nor-commit-suicide-in-any-other-way-at-all- I-don’t-even-want-her-to-get-a-cold-nor-break-a-fingernail.

        I am not a native English person, but I assume you will now understand what I just said and I apologize to all people here that my comment might have caused hurt, an emotional breakdown, peeing their pants, sleepless nights, anxiety, or whatsoever.
        I suppose karma will do it’s job and the great force will most likely strike me with something nasty real soon.

        1. Twilight says:


          You understood my comment as if I was calling you a bully, I see why, yet as I have stated I was not.
          Karma is nothing more then the choices you make.

  15. Jenna,

    I do love Doc Harleys style! And I admire evry side I’ve seen of her!
    I sure wouldn’t want to ever get on her bad side though! She can bring it!!


  16. Sandra says:

    I’ve enjoyed Doc’s no-filter comments since I found this blog and her Letter succinctly reflects what I’ve read of her experiences with Narcs.

    Empathizing her anger that I myself repressed is cathartic and I delight in her scathing monologue.

    I, too, struggle with the judgement of fellow empaths here. Empaths come in many shades just as Narcs do. Respecting all experiences and reactions to them seems reasonable in a forum like this.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Thank you for understanding my perspective and reminding people that everyone has the right to react and feel the way they want to. We should never tell people how to feel or judge them for feeling any type of way.

  17. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    You’ll rescue me right?
    In the exact same way they never did,
    I’ll be happy right?
    When your healing powers kick in

    You’ll complete me right?
    Then my life can finally begin
    I’ll be worthy right?
    Only when you realize the gem I am?

    But this won’t work now the way it once did
    And I won’t keep it up even though I would love to
    Once I know who I’m not then I’ll know who I am
    But I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

    These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
    When I was defenseless
    And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

    This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
    This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

    But this won’t work as well as the way it once did
    ’cause I want to decide between survival and bliss
    And though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am
    But I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

    These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
    And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

    I’ve spent so long firmly looking outside me
    I’ve spent so much time living in survival mode

  18. DebbieWolf says:

    Doc HQ

    You are such a firecracker. Very sassy.
    I enjoyed your letter.
    You certainly pack a punch and wield a sword!

    Yet..I feel the anger not just because the situation sucks but because you even have to use time and energy at all to do it.
    None of us deserve to have been treated so pathetically by narcissists.

    Nobody said the world was fair I know, but it really isn’t fair at all is it to have to use our precious time and energy on all these joy stealers..narcs or otherwise.
    C’est la vie..
    Nevertheless.. the more we know the better we can protect ourselves and keep our joy for ourselves and for those that deserve it.

    You are kind and protective..loyal..strong..funny..intelligent..hell..will you marry me?!!…hahaha…

    Seriously.. thank you for sharing your letter.
    A good idea to use it as a therapeutic exercise yourself as you advise your clients to do.

    I hope it was cathartic for you.
    I also hope that you are moving forward and that you will find what you need in a companion if and when it is time for you to have one again should you so choose.
    You deserve real love and honest care..as do we all.. because I believe that’s what you, and we, offer the right one…

    That love and care starts with ourselves first and on we walk.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Thank you so much for your feedback and support. I think as time passes we often look back and think – “how the hell did I let someone treat me like that?”

      You always write such supportive and insightful comments and I thank you for your kind comments towards me.

      Writing the letter was surprisingly cathartic. I am moving forward and realize that these things take time. I think I have come a long way from where I was last year and for the first time I haven’t jumped into another relationship in a year and almost three months. I finally feel as though I don’t need a relationship and would rather wait for the right person to come along than just settle on someone that isn’t a good match for me.

      I think you will find my second letter interesting because it shows the other side of me.

      I am even more flattered that you proposed to me lmao!

      You are absolutely wonderful.


      1. DebbieWolf says:

        Hey Doc HQ…

        Ty for your kind words. Good for you taking a little time out. Gently does it. Be good to yourself. As things level out more and more you will be primed for the next chapter in life. The best is yet to come I believe because we learn valuable things that serve us in ways they didnt before.
        Continued best wishes.

  19. Jenna says:

    Fantastic, tell it like it is letter! I love this letter!

    For those wondering if dr. Hq is a narc, it may be confusing, but she is not. She is highly empathic but knows her value. Hey, the guy cheated on her with other guys that have ‘big dicks’ in the woods! Yuck! I would feel nothing for him too.

    When she first came on this site, some pple did not agree w her style, as is happening now. As u get to know her, u will realize that there are two sides to her, the professional side, and the non-professional side. She does not use the psych lingo all the time since she is here for personal reasons.

    She is quite fiesty! I love it!

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Thank you so much your support and for understanding me and accepting me.

      It is clear you see very clearly who I am and what I am about.

      much love…


    2. Antifragile says:

      When we say in the open manner who we are here – to my mind, it’s not for judging: it helps to understand, to connect things.

      In real world we are surrounded by all these types of people.
      We all here to understand better – ourselves, others and the opportunities of our possible ways.

  20. Sylvia says:

    Boom! Been thinking about how I could not give two flying f**** about writing to him after 5 years of absolute bullshit. And you’ve expressed the WHY perfectly: it ain’t worth it. At least not now. Maybe in 30/40 years when some of his egomaniacal force has subsided, we’ll meet up again and I’ll allow him to shed a few crocodile tears before reminding him that he chose the path of evil and thus his soul is destined to eternal despair.
    On a different note I find it disconcerting that many “empaths” in the comment section are writing in such judgemental ways! Having been exposed to the endless cascade of manure that was judgement from my Narc (who, like HG, belongs to the British Elite), I just can’t help but go the opposite way and never judge anyone, for anything, ever. When you judge you automatically put yourself on a level superior to the judged… which is hypocritical and narcissistic. And easy to do in this hypocritical world!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Or they are expressing an opinion which is relevant to the matter in hand.

      1. SHG says:

        You would say that, of course.. I’m sure it’s 50/50. Either way, both options are viable.. wouldn’t want to discend into black/white thinking.. I’ll leave that to your kind.

      2. Dickforlong says:

        TY – there is a total difference between having judgment and being judgemental.

        Having the ability to judge will save me from narcissism.

  21. narc affair says:

    Hi Dr. HQ….great letter and throughout i could see pieces of how i feel in it but havent vocalized to my narc. Your narc sounded like a lesser to me and based on what youve written about him i would walk away without a glance back.
    I wanted to ask you if you have ever loved someone and walked away? Your ex it doesnt sound like you loved him at any point in your relationship. I ask bc my last narc i walked away vanished like you did. He continues to send me emails on and off and i never read them even bc i never loved him and he ended up repulsing me much like you describe in your letter. I lost all respect for him. He didnt even put in the effort really. I had no strong bond with him so it was easy to walk away. My present narc i have loved and its much more complicated to just up and leave. I know thats my emotional thinking but thats how i feel. I loved him and poured so much into him.
    I think if youve truely loved someone its very difficult to let go. It didnt sound like you shared a love per say but a fleeting infatuation of sorts? Love to a narcissist is a game.
    You were wise to leave and he didnt sound like someone to build any future with. Psychopaths will never give you a future except full of games and triangulations you deserve way better.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Narc affair,

      I was very infatuated with him. I remember when we became official he would always try to get me to tell him that I loved him before he said it to me. I wouldn’t budge – for many reasons – but I think I knew deep down inside it was infatuation. He ended up saying it to me first.

      Have I ever walked away from someone I truly loved?
      That is a complicated question actually – but yes.

      Hmm… well I realize now most of the times I felt love it was either intense infatuation or I was simply “attached”. I think I have loved one person for real but I wasn’t in love with him.

      As I reflect upon things now – I really don’t think I have ever been IN LOVE just in infatuation.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi Dr. HQ…ty for you reply. You used the word attached and that has summed up past relationships. I do love my narc bc i do want the best for him despite the fact he doesnt love me. I agree tho its not a healthy relationship when it continues to be one sided. Both people in the relationship have to love one another. Its got to be reciprocated and a two way street. Real love is when you care about the other person and trust they care about you. When you know they have your back in life. Narcissists you never get that feeling. Theyd rather stab your back.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Narc Affair,

      I always believed that when you really love someone you can put the other person before yourself and self-sacrifice. I had always done that in the relationships I had been in. I realize now that is partially true. You can’t self-sacrifice over and over again and give to someone who gives you nothing in return and won’t do the same for you. I don’t do that anymore. I don’t want something one sided. I won’t sacrifice anything for a man if he won’t sacrifice for me now.

  22. Medusa says:

    HG, does this letter look like a permanent super nova state or is it my idea?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      My observations to the letters will be provided at a future time, Medusa.

  23. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


    You are very much on point with a lot of the things you have said.

    I am not always clumsy though lol!!! When you see the other letter – the other side of me- you will see.

    Sending you much love.

    You are a very intelligent individual and I have a ridiculous amount of respect for you.


    1. Noname says:

      “I’m not always clumsy though lol!!!”.
      I said no offence, Doctor!

      I’m clumsy too, so don’t worry, you aren’t alone there. Lol.

      I’m looking forward to read your another letter. Very interesting!

  24. Noname says:

    Mmm…very interesting letter, Doctor!

    Your ability to tell things as they really are and your directness won my respect. People might think that you are “sharp and bitchy”, but nooo, it is a façade that hides very tender soul. Of course, you aren’t a Narc. You are the Truest Rebel in the world! Lol.

    I see a lot of pain in your “fighting” letter. A lot. Every “harsh” accusation to your ex-man reflects it.

    The Cluster B men are definitely not your type of men. You need an Empath. Very strong, balanced Empath. He would see and accept you as you are, and his internal strength and balance don’t permit you to “manipulate” him. He would just see through you!

    Moreover, you couldn’t resist to his strength and, want it or not, you would start to gain your own internal peace and balance just merely being around him. Empaths harmonize everything they touch automatically! And believe me, it isn’t boring at all. Lol.

    Of course, you would fight with him at the beginning, but, very soon, you would realize that it is absolutely meaningless and then you give yourself in to a healing power of Nature.

    You are a kind soul, Doctor, albeit you express it in a clumsy way (no offense!). No one just taught you how to do it properly. But. You are here and you are changing. You are heading to your authenticity and that’s very very good.

    Big big hug to you, dear, and thank you for your letter.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Please show me this empath lol….

      When you find him send him my way….

      1. Noname says:

        Lol, Doctor!

        Russian men aren’t easy to deal with. Russian soul isn’t easy to understand. We are crazy nation. Lol.

        Just wait. Your Empath will find you.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I dated a Russian man for approximately four days in February and then I ended it lol. I picked up more and more he likes the idea of me and what I looked like. I also got the impression he was just trying to bang me and since he knows that I don’t do casual sex and what not that was also the fastest path to banging me. I should also mention I wasn’t sexually attracted to him and I kept getting more and more vibes that he was controlling and clearly not the most empathetic. I cut that real quick and realized I couldn’t just jump into another relationship and continue my patterns.

        It’s funny cause he was agitated that I wasn’t giving in sexually and he knew damn well I had some um… well sexual issues from my previous relationship. His responses were:

        “Well I’m not like your ex”
        “What are you doing to get over these sexual issues?”
        “You’re cold you don’t touch me and that’s not cool”

        Mind you he was saying this shit like when I was a month out of my relationship.

        I remember I said listen maybe we shouldn’t hang out tomorrow because I don’t want to act cold or whatever and he was all like okay thanks for your honesty…

        I was like thinking wow …… that was the wrong answer buddy…..

        He reappeared a few months later asking why I stopped talking to him and I tried one final time to give him a shot. He knew damn well I didn’t want kids and certain things about me yet as we were driving to see my friends one day he like kept saying how he wanted as many kids as he could have and he basically wanted a woman at home and I’m thinking why the fuck did you bother trying to date me when you know damn well I don’t want any of those things? Lol

      3. Noname says:

        Wow, Doctor, what the story!

        Knowing my russian fellows, I tell you that you met a Normal guy, not a Narc. All of our men are controlling and patriarchal. Even Empaths (!). It is an element of our culture.

        That’s why russian men have a problem with foreign women. You girls are too independent for their “I’m a caveman” perspective. Lol. Albeit, having such perspective, they aren’t abusive towards their women and respect and value them (aside of certain type of Narcy men, of course). It is beneath of them to abuse a woman. Moreover, it isn’t wise! Lol.

        My husband’s cousin and my male friends and colleagues, who mirgrated to USA and Europe, all of them have russian or ukranian wives. When they (guys) had settled there properly, they came back, married our women and then took them away to live with them.

        The russian women have a lot of problems with foreign men also. They (men) confuse our cultural and natural respect and loyalty to our men with a “slavery”. They (foreign men) like such qualities in our women, but they start to abuse them (even Normals!). And then our women start to fight for themselves…

        I guess, that only kind and highly tolerant Empathic foreigner-men are capable to make things “right” with our women, because their goal is to get a WOMAN, not a slave or servant.

        So, don’t worry about your problem with your russian guy. It isn’t your fault and it isn’t his fault. Your cultural difference and different life perspectives didn’t permit both of you to build something substantial and productive.

        Plus, your said a key phrase “I wasn’t sexually attracted to him” and, being a woman, you know what that means. Lol. Nothing good in principle.

    2. M. says:

      Of course it is my opinion, Dr Harleen, it is me writing it. And it has been created by your writings. As far as proving is concerned, I was also reffering to yourself, that was clear. Although, when you expose your thoughts so often in a blog, I would say that you are addressing others as well.

  25. Overthinker says:

    I guess I’m not very bright can’t tell if this is genuinely written by a narcissist or someone mocking how a narcissist would feel and write a letter.I need more sleep my brain is not functioning

  26. Catherine says:

    Brilliant, witty, ingenious! I love your letter Dr HQ, the way you turn the tables on him, declaring him not in any way worthy of you. Which of course couldn’t be more true.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Thank you so much for your support. It is nice to know that you understand my perspective lol!

  27. Wavey says:

    You still seem lost in the emotional sea that HG describes, trying to prove why you win. At the end of the day you are writing a long letter to him (even if it is ironic – can’t tell) while he’s out getting laid. Why try to win at the Narc’s game. Why deny who you are to try to prove you outdo him in his arena? For those who think this is a letter of a Supernova, I’m not so sure. I hope HG weighs in some day.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      That is your opinion. You have only seen one of my letters. That is one side of me. I wrote the letter as a therapeutic exercise considering it is important for me to practice what I preach to clients.

      I don’t deny who I am. I embrace who I am. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I’m okay with them.

      It makes no difference to me what my ex is doing. I never check up on him. When I cut him off it is as if he died.

      I made sure he had no way to find out information about me.

      When I cut – I cut.

      I don’t need to know what he is doing.

      It makes no difference to me who he is torturing now – although he will always be torturing himself.

      1. Wavey says:

        I get a sense of your vibrant personality, your wit, your heart reading your comments. Good luck in the aftermath of him and I’m glad the exercise was therapeutic. I’m glad you are comfortable being you. He doesn’t get you, on levels of the meaning. And yes, he will always be torturing himself – well said!

      2. Susan Kay says:

        Amen to that!

      3. M. says:

        Dr Harleen, you haven’t cut. You are still there, in a different way. And no, he is not dead to you. If he were, you wouldn’t have been here. You wouldn’t have been writing letters. You are trying too much to prove how indifferent you are and how superior you feel. That always proves the opposite. And, don’t forget, you stayed with this person for 5 years-what does that say about you?
        People who don’t care at all, just don’t care.
        Simple as that.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Thank you for understanding my perspective :).

        Sending some serious love your way…


    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      I explained previously why I wrote the letter. You are entitled to your opinion and I understand why you are saying what you are saying. I know myself and I know why I do what I do and how I feel. I am here for other reasons at this point.

      1. M. says:

        I have read your explanations. And I have been reading you for a long time. I find you interesting but not honest to yourself. Always trying to prove. Stressed to prove. You know, after my last experience with the worst Narcissist of all, one significant change (among others) happened to me: I stopped lying to myself. Completely. Enough with the excuses. The raw truth is usually unpleasant, but this is what leads to healing. Us, at least.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Again that is your opinion. I don’t lie to myself. I know who I am and where I am in my recovery process. Am I completely recovered? Absolutely not. I don’t pretend to be. I fully understand this whole process takes awhile.

        I have nothing to prove.

        I’m so beyond proving anything to anyone other than myself because that is the only person who matters regarding this issue.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I am under no false pretense. I make no excuses. I take full responsibility for the way I contributed to each failed relationship I have had. I don’t sit there and feel sorry for myself either. I get angry from time to time but I realize that it is part of my whole healing process.

        Your journey is not mine.

        I’m not going to sit here and pretend to not be hurt with everything that has happened to me. Of course I am. I am sensitive and I am human. I don’t need to sit there and say I forgive him. I am moving in a direction where I have actually no feelings towards him – again you wouldn’t know this yet because you haven’t seen my second letter.

        I progress…I regress…I progress because its a process.

        Healing isn’t exactly a linear process.

  28. Conby says:

    Would a Narc dedicate time to write such a letter to someone discarded or escaped? I guess she’s an Empath entered in Supernova mode…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well they do when HG decrees it, Conby!

  29. gabbanzobean says:

    HG another question on letter submission….do you choose the clip art/picture that goes along with it? May we make suggestions with our letter? Or do you choose?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I choose.

      1. Medusa says:

        I would like to send mine, but my English is very basic and I fear it may not be well written or misunderstood

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You do not know until you have sent it.

          1. dickforlong says:


            You’ve expressed your fears quite well and concisely. Based on this comment I would say you have nothing to worry about…

  30. abrokenwing says:

    This is the first letter I read when i actually ‘ feel sorry ‘ for the narc .😆

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      He would never get the pleasure of receiving my letter. I had a difficult enough time writing it because I don’t like to dedicate any energy towards him. He is just so not worth it.

      I honestly did this as a therapeutic exercise – one that I often tell my clients to do. I would be a hypocrite to not practice what I preach.

      Don’t worry…he feels bad enough for himself – you don’t need to feel bad for him lmao.

      The truth is that I would never and I mean NEVER write a letter to him. I disappeared on him for a reason.

      He isn’t worth having an exchange with.

      1. abrokenwing says:

        I understand you chose him and he turned out to be a mistake. He wasn’t up to your standards. He disappointed you as he couldn’t fulfill your expectations… but surely he must have done more than that to deserve this level of degrading and humiliation. I feel like I am missing something in your letter Harley.

  31. K says:

    Dr. Q
    You had me laughing with these sentences: “Sadly, you are dumber than I thought. sports statistics, beer, and your extensive knowledge on big dick dating websites, small penis humiliation, and bareback tranny porn” I agree; he really was beneath you. Got your six.

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      You always make me smile.

      I got your back homie 🙂

    2. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:


      It would be more suitable to be a normal when crossing paths with, a narcissist because if you were a “normal”, you would not give his, unacceptable, abusive behavior, a second thought. You would not put up with his behavior, you would just leave.

      1. analise13 says:


        Yes, love bombing would be rebufed as well.

        I did not tolerate abusive behaviour.

        When I found out certain things and questioned him.

        He diseneged me for a mutual friend of ours.
        Blamed me for doing so.
        Neither are part of my life now,

        He will never have me back.

        HGs knowledge is like our armour.

  32. analise13 says:

    HG, the image you have chosen, may I ask who it is? And why you chose it for this letter.

    HQ, have you through reading HGs work come to realize you too are a narcissist? If so, how has HG’s vast work helped you understand yourself.

    Based on specific points in your letter. Your dialogue is approached from the narcissists perspective. Which is quite overt and powerful.

    Unless you wrote the letter intentionally through the narcissistic lens.
    i.e. dramatic licence.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is The Venetian Courtesan.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Thank you for the lovely picture. I am not even joking when I say that. I believe it is perfect for my letter.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

      2. analise13 says:

        Interesting image even more so then. HG, was not a courtesan essentially a prostitute at that time? A caliber above the common standard and with better clientele.
        Does that Make HQ a dirty Empath then? As she agreed with choice of image,

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A high class prostitute, yes. It fits with the dynamic of the letter.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Courtesan’s were charming and would seduce the mind as well as the body.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      This was written intentionally through the narcissistic lens.

      1. analise13 says:

        Hi HQ

        I replied to this comment but it is no longer on blog.
        I had commended you for being true to who you are and asserting your rights.
        I have no option under your comments to reply to your other comments.

        I have experienced all those which you listed with my last relationship as well.
        I understand the dynamic and the toll.

        I observe much anger still within you and that can hold back healthy healing.
        I chose to release any negative emotions and move forwards to understand and not become ensnared again.

        I know that my way is best for myself and perhaps not others.

        I Observe a lot of rage and anger here at times. Conflict, jealousy and defensiveness.
        I wish it wasn’t so.
        But we all move forward differently.

        I share HG work with family and friends to spread awareness.
        I continue to read here and ensure I maintain my compassion and understanding.
        I was not criticising you.
        Just sharing my observations.
        Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

        I do not know you or anyone in real life and have no basis to comment upon such.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I completely understand your perspective and I see clearly your intent wasn’t to criticize but just state your observations and I’m not offended at all.

        I agree that I have seen many of the things you have seen on this blog. Anger isn’t always a bad thing – anger can motivate and lift you and push you forward. I believe that when there is too much anger inside a person and it is pent up and misdirected – that is when you are really maladaptive behavior.

        1. analise13 says:

          Thank you for understanding HQ.
          I am just trying to understand it all best I can.

          I seem to be confusing Super Empaths and the similarities with Narcissists. Based on traits.
          It helps me better understand the different personalities on the blog.

          I can see now how you and Narc Angel and some others are Super Empaths.
          I like to think of you as Enlightened or Empowered Empaths.

          I am Sorry for the abuse you have taken over your letter.
          It was not my intention to judge you at all.

          I think it has sparked much debate.
          Thankfully not all negative,

    3. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

      HQ is a SUPER EMPATH, not a narcissist.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Thank you :).

        That put a smile on my face.

      2. analise13 says:

        HGT#1fan, I probably missed where HG states that HQ is a super Empath in the blog.
        I was only going by exhibited traits in posts that are highly narcissistic in nature.

        That is not a negative comment on HQ.
        Plus, HQ doesn’t seem the type that needs to be defined by a label,
        such as Super Empath to feel worthy.
        Especially to a narcissist.
        If One needs such validation, then they have learned nothing from HG.

        I commend anyone who can admit who they are and be self honest.
        Narcissist or otherwise.

        It is always best to be able to stand back and see oneself through the eyes of others.
        For a true reflection.
        HG is incredibly self aware, most are not.

        If you can. Take a read of HG’s book Sitting Target, where he defines a Super Empath.
        To help you understand how this description does not fit HQ or others, citing to be Super Empaths.

        As HQ appears to be strong, self reliant, independent, definitely not a martyr or one who puts her needs last. She appears to exhibit strands of empathy with high narcissistic traits.

        One who can consistently find themselves in Supernova events when in conflict with narcissists,
        due to their own narcissistic nature.
        Somewhat akin to a power struggle.

        My apologies HG, if I am misinterpreting your work.
        I felt this “debate” required some accuracy from your own words.

        What I most appreciate,
        aside from HG writings and rapport here with his followers.

        Is that HG has created this blog to help us all learn from him and each other.

        It is a very intriguing social experiment displaying both the narcissistic and empathic dynamic.

        Meshing so many differnt types and personalities and opinions.

        There is much good here for those open to acceptance and understanding.

        Learning about others, ourselves and healing.

        To clarify, I am not a Super Empath. And that is more then okay with me.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I very much put others needs ahead of my own. That has always been my problem.

        I have evolved and try not be like that as much anymore.

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        It goes against my very nature to think of myself first. I have to literally stop, pause, and think because I just give without thinking much about it because I like helping people and I would like to believe if I were in a shitty situation someone would do the same for me. What I have come to find is that most people will not. I hold myself back now.

        1. Jenna says:


          “What I have come to find is that most people will not. I hold myself back now.”

          I agree, sadly.

        2. Jenna says:

          Advising somebody to kill themselves is not acceptable. It is dangerous, v v dangerous.

        3. Jenna says:

          I have witnessed on this site pple leaving or wanting to leave due to bullying. Let’s not let that happen here pls.

          She is a super empath in supernova state. She gave and gave, even was degraded sexually, until she cud give no more. She is quite naive at the beginning of a relationship, accepting pple’s word at face value. I can see that frm some interactions here itself. I will not be more specific than that. She is an easy target, a v EASY empathic target (sorry doc). But once she figures u out, she fights back!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Nobody is bullied on this site. Some people express an opinion which is strong in nature and may not be agreed with, but they are entitled to express that opinion. Others are entitled to respond to that opinion. It is a subject which evokes considerable emotive responses. There is no issue with passionate yet constructive comments or opinions. It is when the comments become repeated ad hominem attacks which have no value to the debate or fail to evidence a facet of the narcissistic dynamic, or become repeated propositions with nothing to support them that they will not be posted.

            Someone may make a strong remark the once which is allowed through moderation because it will evidence an aspect of the narcissistic dynamic.

          2. Jenna says:

            Hi hg,

            Frm google:
            “Cyberbullying is the use of cell phones, instant messaging, e-mail, chat rooms or social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter to harass, threaten or intimidate someone.”

            As always, u r correct. I shud have looked up the definition of bullying first. There is no harassment or threats here. However, do u not think there is some intimidation?

          3. HG Tudor says:

            No. There will be robust opinions exchanged about emotional subjects, people will disagree, people will react. So long as it remains within the parameters as I have explained then it is permitted. People are allowed to express their opinion – it may not prove popular and people will say so if they wish. If you make a contentious statement, expect people to respond.

        4. Jenna says:

          Doc, for the record why not clear the misconceptions and list what he did to u, if u r comfortable. Many of us already know, but some don’t. Sometimes, pple need examples. If u feel no need, then i understand. But i encourage it, simply so u feel comfortable moving fwd on this site. I wud not want to lose u here.

          Hopefully, it shud put the matter to rest. I will start:

          1. extreme sexual degradation

          1. HG Tudor says:

            It is unnecessary for examples to be provided. I do not see how there can be any misconception about what is meant by extreme sexual degradation.

          2. Jenna says:

            Hi hg,

            I do not mean examples of the sexual degradation.

            I mean examples of what he did to her, of which sexual degradation is one. Other examples wud be always arguing with her, silent treatments, etc.

            However, ur point is noted. Unnecessary- ok.

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I cannot allow myself to be taken advantage of anymore. I am not placed on this earth to satisfy the needs of another person or inflate their ego. I have needs and If the other person is not willing to give back (let me stress willing) – I’m fucking done. They are useless and i don’t hate myself and won’t allow myself to get abused anymore.

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I was very much a martyr. I won’t be a martyr anymore.

        I value myself and I won’t let people take a huge shit on me and mistake my kindness for weakness and that is what people often do – until they push too far and an explosion happens.

        How much can you take before you explode?

        How many passive aggressive jabs?

        How many missed appointments ?

        How many holidays and birthdays destroyed?

        How many missed phone calls ?

        How many silent treatments?

        How many times being ignored?

        How many times being put down?

        How many times not being acknowledged for the things you do?

        How many times being covertly or overtly pushed to do things you dont want to do?

        How many times and for how long can you endure someone trying to force you to be something you are not?

        How many times will you allow yourself to get disrespected – especially by a nobody who should be licking your ass?

        For how long can you give and give and get nothing in return?

        I won’t allow it. I will eat shit and die before I will ever fucking ever let anyone speak to me or treat me like that ever again.

        Narcissistic? I call it knowing my worth and self-preservation. I call it valuing myself. Is it narcissistic if everything I said was the truth? Is it narcissistic to not allow someone to abuse you?

        I don’t lay down and die.

      7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        I’m sensitive.

        I cry often. You know, when you cry to the point where you can’t even fucking breathe or your eyes hurt.

        I have temper tantrums from time to time.

        I get irritable.

        I get restless.

        I can feel broken at times but I don’t break.

        I don’t fucking break. I never fucking break.

        1. ANK says:


        2. Caroline says:

          Doc~Me too, baby. I just REFUSE to ever break… Like many, I have been though a lot — if I would tell people, it would be a “holy crap” thing (not feeling sorry for myself — truly do not feel that way, but that’s what I mean when I try to tell people they never know what others have been through). If you knew people in my life that know me in real life, they would say I have a marshmallow heart. I do… but I can be very strong too and will never, ever let anyone break me — or anyone I love. So I can be a tough if I have to. Sometimes you have to rise up, for yourself or others. Totally. (I have Norwegian ancestry, so the Viking is kinda built in, lol).


      8. narc affair says:

        I think so many want that label of “super empath” bc they feel ashamed being a victim of a narcissist but in reality we all are victims until we leave and.. leave permanently! Even a super empath is a victim til they decide to leave and more importantly work on learning why they gravitate to these types of people or attract them bc there is a reason.
        In my opinion theres two types of super empaths:

        Super “fuel” empath….those that have the strength to disengage and lash out in some way. They are fed up and retaliate. The go back for more or they leave and go on to choose another cluster b disordered individual bc theyve not healed their own dysfunction. They provide tons of fuel bc they keep going back for more abuse. They appear strong but are weak.

        Super empath…this is my own meaning on the phrase and the true super empath imo are those individuals that break free permanently. They have an epiphany and realise why they were targeted and have zero interest in any cluster b type relationship but strive for healthy relationships. Moreover some will go out on a limb to help support others in abusive relationships. They exude strength and know who they are and what they want. They no longer need or want validation from a narcissist, they find it from within.

        1. Twilight says:

          Narc Affair

          I am happy being a Contagion 🙂 I am the best version of me there is.

          1. dickforlong says:

            I must say for myself that I am a victim only when I choose to be.

            Being victimized does not define me.

            Yes, as long as I stay I will be victimized. But staying does not a victim make.

            I am not embarrassed about being ensnared. Nor am I embarrassed about staying.

            The narcissists have developed my emotional strength, driven me to excell, inevitably sharpened my wit and heightened my powers of observation.

            I quite honestly do not feel broken. In many ways, I have been EMPOWERED. The stark realities of living with a narcissist has allowed me to discover my greatest assets, my drive and my ability to laugh and discover the humor in my very absurd life….

      9. Somewhere over the rainbow says:


        With all due respect, I can’t and I won’t agree with you.

        Being an empath doesn’t mean taking a narcissist BS for too long. Yes, one can put on hold years of professional career (after a Master) in order to give birth and rise a child, because we talk about an innocent. When talking about a grown up behaving badly and us taking it for too long, then we talk about other things. As HG stated: one should love, but she should also use the brain in choosing who she loves. Someone can also have both a high EQ and a high IQ. Then…what? I take for sure what HG says about Narcs, that is His “Empire”, but I can’t take for granted what HG says about empaths, when he writes what attracts him most in empaths (he can’t understand empaths energetic state, only what he observed in others, having a brilliant mind. Still, watching an airplane doesn’t make one a skilled pilot). He also stated that a Super Empath may be a challenging individual even for a Greater. That’s not saying a Super Empath can’t get narcissistic traits when needed, as a SE is very hard to “break” and if such an Empath “breaks” this won’t happen because of someone being mean to her/him. Someone can love with all her heart and still separate her person from the partner’s. It’s called “having healthy boundaries”. I was fair-play and from the very beginning of a relationship I openly discussed “boundaries” and I ended in good terms relationships because of that, preserving the mutual respect till date. That happened, of course, with non narcs. With Narcs I tried to stay in “good terms” but to them we are “their property till death” and I won’t agree to that. If not wanting to ever see my MIL again after she hit me (we talk about blood on my face after giving her countless chances to at least respect each other for her son-my husband) to you means being narcissistic then I sure am. Seeing yourself through other’s eyes only brings sadness upon you. For most people-receiving will never have an end, normals or narcissists. We should see within us, that’s knowledge, as HG states on his blog and be aware when enough is enough. NC or GOSO seems inhumane but, unfortunately, when dealing with narcs, it’s the only way out. And for sure, the only one to get “respect” from a narc, because deep inside they feel only a strong individual can put an end to their psychological torture.

        1. analise13 says:

          Hi somewhere over the rainbow

          I am not sure if you confused my comment to HQ and HGT#1fan for another readers comment.

          If not, I do not understand what you disagree with from your blanketed statement.
          I cannot reply under your comment
          as your reply was not in my messages.
          Why I wondered if you meant it for another.

          Were you referring to any of the following:
          when I said that we should all try to get along,
          or that I was trying to clarify narcissistic traits between Super Empaths and narcissist,
          or was it that we should not remain in abusive relationships,
          or that people have a right to be who they are and be accepted for such.

          Was it that I do not live my life in anger or vengeful thoughts. That I left and now chose to move forward and heal?

          I do not think anyone who leaves an abusive relationship, by any means possible, is ever a narcissist for doing so.

          I understand everyone is differentand in-such we take diffent routes to our escape and healing.

          I fault no one.
          I simply try to understand to know.
          We each have our own journeys.

      10. Jenna says:

        Hg, i see.

        It is not intimidation then. It is an exchange of ‘robust opinions’.

        I feel some pple shud deliver these opinions more constructively then, and without judgement, unless they know all the facts. Hq left alot out in the letter abt his behavior towards her.

        Ultimately, we are all here to heal, and i wud not like to see her leave. I don’t know if she’s contemplating this or not, but i sure hope not. She is an asset here.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          She won’t leave. Her letter divided opinion and understandably so. Some lauded it, others disapproved – I understand both views – all are entitled to express their opinion. It is invariably intrinsic for opinions to be judgemental.

      11. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I wanna like jump through the computer screen and hug you.

        Thank you for being so thoughtful and compassionate.


        1. Jenna says:

          Hi doc!

          A hug right back to u!

          I think this letter has the most comments out of all letters, but i am not certain.

          It’s becoz this letter has it all – the power to evoke feelings in all of us – anger, sadness, realization, aspiration, and more!

          This letter rocks big time!

      12. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

        Narc affair

        I agree, before understanding WHY I was attracted to that specific narc (some years older than I am)…I was a victim/exposed, even if I couldn’t put up for long with his emotional and verbal abuse. Then I wanted to find out why, I’m usually a curious person. I understood his psychological traits (inteligent, good entrepreneur, highly independent, straight forward, authoritative) are like my father’s traits and they were “familiar” to me but not healthy in a relationship because my father is a Narc and I searched for his “love, acceptance and validation” trough the Narc man- older (another sign I saw him somehow like a surrogate “father”). After understanding the cause all narcs lost power over my mind. I searched and found that validation within, that’s one “secret” to be able to leave them for good, because if someone expects their “blessing” to do so, as empaths ofen do, the “cost” will amount to years and sanity…lost.

        As I read somewhere: “Life lessons keep repeating until we (understand and) learn them.” And “time is a teacher that kills his students”. So: sooner learned, better done.

      13. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:


        My pleasure fellow Super Empath.

      14. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:


        “Sitting Target” was the first book I read of, HGs. Super Empaths like Dr, HQ & myself, have a lot of narcissist traits, but our empathetic traits weigh over are narcissistic traits, which describes us both.

        We are a challenge which a ,Greater Elite like, HG finds attractive.

        I am sorry, not everyone can be a Super Empath like Dr, HQ & HG#1-fan.

        1. analise13 says:

          Thank you for your reply HGT#1fan.

          For me, the purpose is to be myself and be free of abuse.
          To that end, being a normal would much better suit me.

          I do not enjoy the emotional and physically damage I witness.
          Especially in my Aunt from her succession of them.
          Which is far worse and ongoing then my years spend with one.

          It is not that everyone can be a Super Empath.
          Which is factual.
          It is that not everyone needs to be one to thrive.
          We are as we are.

          I used the definition from the book as my determiner.
          I did not realize Super Empaths had higher narcissistic traits to their empathic traits.
          Which I then confused on the blog as such individuals being narcissists,
          opposed to variant Empaths.
          But, they still get abused and disengaged from.
          The end result is always the same.

          I do now understand the types that can be Super Empaths.
          That does now make sense to me.
          So my apologies for my confusion.

          I know I am not one.
          But, do not feel sorry for me or any others.
          We have our own super powers within.

          I am happy, forgiving, loving and compassionate.

          I understand my emotions can make me a target.
          But my understanding and knowledge will hopefully now protect me.

          I will gladly take, no narcissist ever gleaning at me and thinking
          Ah, yes. She is the one.
          Being low on their radar now, is a blessing.

          Thank you HG for all your lessons.

  33. Gabrielle says:

    Great letter Dr HQ!
    Ive been working on my letter but I doubt it will get posted since it’s just not mean enough.

    I LOL at the “ you kept deodorant in your desk”….that made me snort laugh!

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      You are too funny!

      I had a feeling you would like that part!


      1. Gabrielle says:

        I am going to send HG my letter for consideration as soon as I get home from work. I also wanted to add that I am slightly jealous of you. Your approach and attitude and candor…I hope I can get there someday. You are a hoot and I have a feeling we would get along so well in real life. The fact that you are an actual doctor is also awesome. You have the best approach and are utterly hilarious. Utterly used for emphasis. 🙂

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        It’s an excellent exercise.

        That is so sweet of you to say and yes I do believe we would be friends in “real life”.

        You will get there. You have to want it bad enough too.

        It took a long time to get here and a lot of unhealthy relationships.

        The best song that really captures the whole experience would be “Precious Illusions” by Alanis Morissette.

        I have posted that song on more than one occasion (I think) on this blog. I did it for a reason. It is very…and I mean very symbolic of a bigger picture.


      3. Sophia says:

        He was under pressure. 😂 never let them see you sweat. 😂

  34. Nuit Étoilée says:

    Loved reading you, Dr HQ!!

    Thank you for that – yes, you & all the rest of us are doing these assholes a favor they don’t deserve.

    We are too good for them. They are not good enough for us.

    ” I tried to be myself, I really did but you wouldn’t allow it. ”
    – This.

    You rock! Narcs can’t handle authenticity, they are too lost in their own fake BS.

    May I ask – how long did all this go on?

    I love your sense of humor, too – love your contributions to this community 😊

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Nuit Etoilee,

      Thank you so much for your support. I can’t help but be myself. You love me or you hate me lol!

      This went on for technically 5 years. The affair for 1 year and the relationship for 4.

  35. Paula Sarno says:

    Ahahahah!wonderful . I feel the same . I am so much better than both my ex . More intelligent , funny , I speak 4 languages , have elegant friends around the world they never met . And best of all ? I knew something was wrong with them , not exactly what , but they don’ t deserve me . I lied a lot to both of them , and I am a very honest person . It was only with them . They will never know , on the contrary I knew they were lying

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      You are my kinda woman! lol!!

      You are absolutely correct – they don’t deserve you!


  36. Mb says:

    Was this actually written by Harleen Quinzel PsyD? Is she one of ‘the Good Doctors?’ If so no professionalism!!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes. No.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      No I am not one of HG’s doctors but I am a “Good Doctor”.

      The “Good Doctor’s” are human too.

      I am human.

      1. MB says:

        Yeeees….I never questioned ‘human-ness’or ‘reality’of letter, just asked HG ( who refers to ‘his’treatment PsyD’s as ‘the good Doctors’ 😉if Hq was one of his, and he answered. 👍My last sentence was in regard to ‘IF’ HQ ‘were’one of those who treated him posting that letter ‘would have been ‘unprofessional. That is all. I’ve read other of your posts and thought not, am glad for HG. No unprofessionalism during his treatment. 😊

        Hope that clears my comment up for you HQ.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I hear you loud and clear :).

        I completely understand where you are coming from.


    3. Sophia says:

      Dr. HQ doesn’t have to be “professional” on here. In fact, I think it makes her even more interesting that she’s herself.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Thank you. It’s funny how in general people forget that people who are in the mental health profession are human and have feelings. I don’t have to behave in any particular way and I resent people for telling me I should behave like this or be like that just because of what I do.

        I don’t have to sit around every moment of my life spewing jargon and behaving as if I were in an office all the time. Even professionally, I do not behave in an uptight manner and always let people just be. Of course I conduct myself professionally but you can be relaxed and professional.

  37. Sunniva says:

    Dr. 🎩👈🏻
    Your letter gave me a whole new dimension to the matrix of NPD.
    Not only did you move above the ‘winning or losing’ consept.
    You also moved it above the consept of a ‘win-win’ outcome.
    You managed to make it a zero-sum game, voting in your favor. And for that I take a bow.

    PS: enjoy eating the whole award winning cake👌🏻

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Save that it wasn’t.

      1. Sunniva says:

        Interpreted as a Nash Equilibrium, she came pretty close.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That is based on knowing the strategy of the other, which was not applicable.

      2. Sunniva says:

        No it is not. That is why it is often referred to as the prisoner’s dilemma.

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      I’m glad you appreciated this “side” of my personality. 🙂

      1. Sunniva says:

        Yes, even as a norwegian I saw what you did there👌🏻

  38. ANK says:

    “You don’t get to get away with all of the whining and pushing weird sexual shit on me – basically making me feel as though I were a prostitute – no. ”

    I can identify with this sentence so much. I think recognizing and acknowledging that this is how Narchole was making me feel was a big turning point for me, going from Madonna to whore.

    It’s definitely a No from me……..

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      I’m glad that I helped you recognize some things about yourself :).

      You are a strong person and you will get through this an even stronger person in time.


      1. ANK says:

        Thanks Dr HQ.

        Your comments and replies to all keep me grounded.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        It makes me happy knowing that I’m helping in your healing process and ultimately have helped you realize certain things about yourself and your narc.

  39. Blank says:

    Wasn’t it letters TO the narcissist?
    I’m done with narcs for now..
    Later! 🙋‍♀️

  40. cc says:

    Btw, I am allowed to say whatever crazy things I might say and too fucking bad for anyone who doesn’t like it.

    1. cc says:

      7 million? Awesome.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you.

  41. Star says:

    This letter made me laugh. I love your sence of humour and your intelligence!

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      Thank you Star! xoxo

  42. Mona says:

    If this letter is “honest”, it is the letter of a narcissist. If it is some kind of revenge, it is perfect. They do understand what is meant and it wounds.

  43. Aurora says:

    Maybe I’m not too bright, but this sounds exactly like the sort of letter an N would send to his/her partner….so is that what the idea was supposed to be..? That the N’s partner has taken on the N’s nasty characteristics and is now reflecing that back to the N? Or were they both narcissists in the relationship?

  44. Antifragile says:

    Did the Greater consumed the Mid-Ranger here? lol

    1. Star says:

      Mmm, I don’t actually see this letter as being from a greater narcissist, I see it as a letter from a strong confident intelligent woman who knows her worth and whom she is worthy of. In other words “ healthy narcissism “ which is what we should all strive to have.Yes she makes reference to being “ better “ than him, and that he is “ beneath her”. But really, isn’t that the truth? And by “ better” I am not referring to education, wealth , looks etc. But she is a real person, with complexities of personality, and emotions. She is honest about who she is. Whereas the narcissist ( her ex)in effect is nothing but empty and fake. There is nothing real about him. Just my musings.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        I do believe there is a healthy level of narcissism we should all possess so we don’t become self-destructive and masochistic.

        I think people are usually uncomfortable with the idea that you can be more than one thing – if you are this…well…you can’t be that – and that is simply not the case.

  45. Sophia says:

    God bless, I’d love to pick your brain. Your letter, your posts, you’re like a human Rubik’s cube. I dig that.

    I wonder if HG were to put Super Empaths into classes if you’d be an Upper Super Empath?

    I’m pretty sure I’d be a Mid-Ranger Super Empath. I’m typically difficult to anger. However, I have a few legendary violent outbursts that shock the crap out of those who have never seen me mad and know me well.

    Maybe I’d be a Lesser Super Empath if I didn’t know the difference between you’re a narcissist, they’re narcissistic, and there you will find the narcissist. Plus, clearly annunciating the profanities I spew classes it up a notch. 😂

    What did your ex do for a living? What drew you to him aside from the challenge?

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Whatever you are – you are wonderful. People often fail to understand that we are more than just one thing. So what if you curse and have had some violent outbursts. You are human. I have had some myself. There are plenty of situations and people that can bring that out of you. I am not saying that we shouldn’t take responsibility for our behavior but accept who you are and that we all have moments. I am so many things. I know myself and I know I have narcissistic traits.

      When terrible things happen, I swing into my narcissism. My narcissism is how I cope. It is my defense mechanism and is what has worked and continues to work for me.

      I wrote this through the lens of my narcissistic side. It is me. It is a part of me. I wrote another one from the other side that has yet to be posted. You will see many different sides of me.

      My ex is a special education teacher.

      1. Dr.

        “My ex is a special education teacher.”

        That’s scary!

      2. Sophia says:

        You are a Dr. and he is a teacher. I assumed you were in a higher position than him. I guess he felt the need to take you down a notch. They like to do that in general.

      3. C★ says:

        you are very much like me, yet also, so different than i

      4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        C Star,

        We have more in common than each of us originally thought lol!

    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      I was in a relationship with a narcissist prior to my ex. I was desperate for someone or anything to make me feel alive…or anything. I was extremely depressed. I saw someone different and weird and I wanted to figure it out. I became fixated. I wanted him to be the one. He was so far from it.

      1. ANK says:

        Dr HQ,

        I guess it is this need, whether to feel alive or desirable etc, that makes us so vulnerable to the clutches of the narc.

        We need to realise we don’t anyone, let alone a narc to make us feel good.

      2. AvaG says:

        Thank you for this paragraph. That is exactly how I felt about my last ex, but never heard it described by anyone else. I felt those things you wrote so strongly as well.

      3. Sophia says:

        I completely understand. That’s why I get the whole fuel concept. I thought my MMRN was the only narcissist I’ve been involved with. I’m looking back and noticing that there were others, I just wasn’t interested enough to put up with the bullshit. Lol I gave them a good run for their money. 😂

  46. Wow Doc!
    You rock!

    Hard to recognize mediocrity in those eyes when they reflect back your intensity and passion.
    You saw it when they dulled down to the void of him. And he wanted you to be void. First be you, then be me…(gag,hork)
    And I’ve told lies to catch betrayers, it’s the best way, they smear themselves when they try to tell some tale out of school that couldn’t possibly have happened. I exposed my narcs spy lieutenant and got her punished with that strategy.
    And the porn sites! OMG, is that a narc requirement,now? You crack me up with small penis humiliation and bareback tranny sites.

    Did you know about Narcs before him, or because of him?

    I ask, because I regard you as educated, intelligent and feisty.
    So, I think this silly thing, like you would have some kind of “protection” from this.
    Like what’s a magnificent Harley like you doing with that joker.

    I had thought making myself the hunter would give me some control over what kind of person I pick.
    More likely some peacock will wave it’s tale/tail at me and I’ll end up with a mouthful of feathers.

    Thank you so so much for sharing this!

    1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Thank you so much for your feedback. I did know about narcissists before my ex; however I did not realize that it could manifest this way. At first I thought he could possibly be a sociopath but realized that didn’t quite fit. It was only probably about half way into the relationship when I was fighting with him I said the words (while fighting of course) “There is a serious discrepancy between who you think you are and who you actually are” that I was like “OMG, could he be a narcissist?”

      The interesting part about all this is that I had come across textbook narcissists in my personal life and professional life and that is what I thought narcissism really was. I now understand that these traits and characteristics can manifest in various different ways.

      I actually thought for awhile that my ex had an auditory processing issue and had ADHD. I still stand by both but now I realize that his lack of insight and lying and picking fights and utter lack of responsibility were a product of something else …narcissism.

      I even sometimes toyed with the idea that he could be on the spectrum because to be real with you – he couldn’t read social cues very well. His filter was so off. He really believed that people thought highly of him. Autism runs in his family; however I have no doubt it is narcissism instead of him being on the spectrum.

      He is extremely attention seeking and always wants an emotional reaction out of people. He has like no insight and draws the most bizarre relationships between events. It is never his fault.

      He is always in a relationship and the same problems go from one relationship to the next. I’ve seen the same complaints documented by previous girlfriends of the past.

      There is just so much evidence to point to narcissism it is ridiculous. I can see how people can mistake lower functioning narcs (like mid-rangers) for being on the spectrum when they are not.

      The auditory processing issue you have to laugh about because he literally heard something completely different from what I would say to him. HG cleared that up for me lol!

      I had far more experiences with Cluster B’s such as sociopaths and psychopaths, borderlines, and histrionics – I now have a much greater understanding of how narcissism can present itself because of HG. I am very grateful for all of his help. I have an overwhelming amount of respect for him and what he does.

      1. gabbanzobean says:

        Dr HQ….
        Interesting on the ADHD and autism info in regard to your ex. Way back when I did some digging on Mr. Piano Recital’s ex (the predecessor before me that he almost left his wife for) I learned that she is autistic (higher functioning though) as well. Part of me wonders if maybe this was something that attracted him to her….or maybe it was because he had some of those same traits as her…..or maybe she was just more vulnerable because of that and was easier to manipulate and take advantage of. He strung her along for 2 years with future faking. And then when he got caught he ditched her and told me he never spoke to her again. Later on that story changed as he still kept in touch with her. LOL. I wonder if she is still in his matrix.

        By the way, great letter. I am sending mine later to HG and I hope it gets chosen!

      2. Elise says:

        Hi Dr, I loved your letter! I have a question though, if you don’t mind answering. How is it that you have had so many experiences with cluster b’s?

      3. Sophia says:

        I think personality type plays a role in what narcissism looks like. Mine was an INTJ. I couldn’t decide if he was NPD and often wondered if he was on the spectrum.

      4. Medusa says:

        please do not mention people with autism, people on the autism spectrum present difficulties at the level of “cognitive empathy” not “emotional empathy”, when they are explained for example because a person has a feeling of sadness they are able to empathize, in what present a difficulty is in inferring the feeling

      5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Thank you! I grew up around plenty of them and of course – professionally I’m around them.

      6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        When I was a teenager I realized I attracted a lot of sociopathic and psychopathic men. I had a lot of borderline friends and continue to have two off the top of my head that I can think of.

        I never understood why these sociopathic and psychopathic men were attracted to me – especially because I didn’t come off all helpless and soft. I mean yeah, I was a good listener and all that other stuff but I played a lot of games.

        I remember asking my first psychopath when we were teenagers why he would continue to play games with me and he would say things like “I want to fuck your mind” and “because you play back”.

        I think he believes in his mind he made me. He didn’t make me….I MADE ME. What he did do was wake me up at a very young age and show me that people can just toy with your feelings for no real reason other than to inflate their ego.

      7. Elise says:

        Hi Dr.! Thank you so much for answering my question. Thank goodness I have had very little experience with cluster b’s. You are so right about them toying with our feelings so that they can get an ego boost. My therapist told me that the Narc got points because he knocked “the ice queen off her throne”. This pisses me off to no end! But we live and we learn. You have a great attitude. Thank you for your story. I believe that a person who loves their neighbor as themselves is in reality a better person. I will continue to do this. I will just be careful and not forget that I need to love my neighbor like myself not more than myself!

    2. Catherine says:

      Dr HQ,

      I’m fascinated by the comment you made on ADHD. In fact that was what I thought was behind the problems I had with my ex during our time together. He told me he suffered from ADHD, without being diagnosed properly though, growing up in the 70s. He certainly displayed an itching, crazy making restlessness and lots of impulsive traits, but I still couldn’t really connect the dots and understand his complete lack of empathy and controlling behaviour to this. Fascinating.

      And great letter. You’re brilliant!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Thank you! Honestly, it is possible yours has ADHD as well. Mine most definitely had ADHD and was in total denial.

  47. Caroline says:

    Love your ability to self-reflect, analyze and hit brutal truths. And since I first came upon HG’s blog, I’ve absolutely loved your sense of humor…

    I mean really, it’s just not possible to keep a straight face with stuff like this: “I’m beginning to get bored writing this letter. That’s how much you don’t stimulate me.” LOL! Damn straight! (I half expected you to say you lost interest and were heading out to the grocery store).

    Great letter, written by someone who – if you *had* to be plagued by a narcissist – absolutely should have scored a Greater…(uh, no – let’s just skip the whole Beauty and the Beast thing altogether).

    But no doubt about it — you rock, and you rocked your letter!

    1. cc says:


    2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


      Thank you so much for your support! I’m glad I gave you a laugh. Sometimes you just have to look at the absurdity and well…laugh.

  48. cc says:

    Did you write this? Gorgeous lovable, hg?

    1. HG Tudor says:


    2. Sylvia says:

      This is creepy. Are you joking or are you being serious?

  49. cc says:

    I adore and love and admire dr hg. He knows.

  50. cc says:

    Did you write this? Otherwise, I will not bother to read it.

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