A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 50

YA DANCER
Hi ,

I don’t know if you’ll remember but last time we met at a mutual friend’s party, you said that you were going to text me that weekend to arrange to meet to ‘try to sort things out’. Maybe you were drunk, maybe you did forget, but most likely you just wanted to see how I’d react to that suggestion . The wild U turn out of the blue. My face gave away my lack of interest, I know. That must have gone down badly, as in your mind, I should have been all too delighted to get a chance to see you again.

I don’t have your number and you blocked me anyway. I can’t phone you so I’m sending you this letter instead.The truth is I didn’t expect to hear from you. And more importantly I can’t keep trying to ‘fix’ the unfixable.

I realise your expectations in life are very different from mine. You don’t see the need to apologise, ever, as in your eyes (but only yours), you’ve never done anything requiring any apology anyway.

It’s your massive sense of entitlement that drives that nonsense. So misplaced really, in one so lacking in genuine positive qualities. But I understand it now. You’ve got to compensate and cover up that real sense of inadequacy that you’ll never be able to admit to. That wounded small child, who never got enough love or attention, hiding deep inside you, controlling you even now, without you even knowing it must be masked with that false pomposity and arrogant superiority.

I  still feel a wee bit sorry for you but not like before. I now see that all you can do with empathy and love is abuse it, use it, manipulate it, and twist it into something that you can berate with. “Oh so sensitive, oh so quick to take offence, oh so stupid, so messed up, so dull”…oh so.. whatever negative flaws you had to project onto me. I get it now. It’s all about you really, as it always was. You can’t bear to see any flaws in yourself so spew them out onto others.

You reveal your own truths so blatantly through this behaviour.  But, I guess I have to thank you for  something at least. You shone a light onto parts of me that needed to be looked at and nurtured. My dealings with you have taught me that my instincts are bang on and need to be listened to.Not ignored or submerged.

My boundaries are not ever going to be eroded away to the extent I allowed them to be by your fake charm, your pretences, your sob stories, your lies and your ultimate devaluation.  You saw emotional honesty as weakness.  Yes, I can be sensitive but I’m far from weak as I suspect you also now realise.

The greatest irony in this sorry tale is that you are the weak one, the needy one, the one lacking in self-awareness, the dysfunctional one, and not me as you tried so hard to convince me. It took me a while but I really am now utterly indifferent to you. You’ve faded to a small dot on the horizon in my memory. You won’t like that I know but you always did express your own opinions with no regard to how they would be received so I’m doing the same here.

I hold no real bitterness now but I also have no desire to ever see you again. I wont ever entirely forget you but you’ve ceased to matter now. It took a while but I got there as I hoped I would. It made me very sad but I saw how the cycle would continue if I kept trying to keep you as part of my life. 

Take care of yourself and know that whilst I did genuinely care about you, this is a real goodbye. Not a  manipulative silent treatment to exert control like you employed, but a genuine and sincere…… farewell.
Ya dancer.

20 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 50

  1. Ugotit says:

    Great

  2. Catherine says:

    I love your letter Ya Dancer! It’s wise, it has well deserved clarity, it’s composed and even compassionate. You seem to have it all figured out and I wish you all happiness in the future with falling in love with someone who respects you and your boundaries.

  3. narc affair says:

    HI HG…are we allowed to write 2 letters? I wrote one for my mother but would like to write one for my present narc. If not no worries i realise theres others who still need a turn. Thx

    1. HG Tudor says:

      By all means. The series is paused at 50 whilst I work through the other submissions I have received but more will appear so do keep sending them.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi HG…Ty i will! I found the first one therapeutic and this one will be as well! These letters are so insightful and help so many 👍

      2. Lisa says:

        Ha! I was going to ask that also. Thank you HG.

      3. Lisa says:

        Just a thought HG….will your letter responses be here or are you considering writing another book about them? Love the book idea….(just saying)

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Book.

          1. Lisa says:

            Allrightythen…..who’s a clever girl then? TY.

  4. narc affair says:

    Youve definitely seized your power back from your exnarc congrats!! Youre right narcissists love to project themselves onto others and the parts of themselves they loathe like feeling emotional they despise in others. Your emotional side he took as weakness and was wrong to think that as a flaw bc it isnt. To be whole is to feel. Its just too bad there are people out there if given the chance will exploit people who feel deeply. Thats where you were able to still feel pity but walk away from toxicity. You are still an empath but one with firmer boundaries in place 👍

  5. Ya Dancer,

    It sounds to me, that even though you didn’t let him off easy, that you are already strong and balanced. Maybe even understanding.
    And already moving on.
    I’m curious, if this is your personality, or if this is from a lot of effort on your part?
    I’m not saying it should be easy to get past dealing with a narcissist. But it is encouraging to see it happening.
    I still see anger and frustration in your words. Even empathy, but in the past.
    No name calling, or overt hostility. And he seems to no longer have any hold over with you.
    You’ve come away with a sense of self and boundaries. And the skill to self nurture.
    I’m feeling a bit envious right now.

    Well done!

    Perse

  6. Caroline says:

    This letter says a lot about who you are, LaDancer. Your compassion, kindness, insight, clarity, maturity, dignity, and humility (mixed with quiet confidence) are so evident.

    Despite the pain and your sadness over your entanglement, it’s obvious that you are someone who will gain from the experience – making your own sense of self even stronger and wiser — while still being able to continue to give. Very healthy.

    It’s weird how I don’t even know you but am darn proud of you! This letter is inspiring. Thank you for sharing your heart and mind.

  7. Overthinker says:

    Love the ending

  8. DebbieWolf says:

    Ya Dancer

    Thank you for this letter that you’ve shared and your heartfelt thoughts.

    This is my favourite letter of them all.
    there have been many very good letters that I’ve enjoyed.

    However I identify with this letter most of all and I can feel the gentleness in it alongside the firm resolve.

    Brilliant.

  9. Carol M says:

    It always strikes me how similar the description of the narcs mentioned resembles my nex. It seems to me these ‘individuals’ lack particular features, therefore, only narcissistics traits surface. I.E., my nex would often say “I am 100% honest, all the time, about anything, to anyone, no matter what” and my therapist translated it as “My opinions matter – your feelings don’t.” Interestingly enough, each time a “brutal truth” would have impact over himself, he would come up with any unrealistic fake story not to expose himself in front of his folks.

  10. mb says:

    Awww, you really hurt some beautiful people. You pick the cream of the crop but pain and destruction is in your wake? Why not destroy the one who caused this instead of countless opposites? Why not prey on other Narcisists instead of becoming what hurt you thus ironically ensuring its eternal survival ? Prey on the guilty not the innocent….so much carnage, incomprehensible endless propagation of pain. Like I used to ask my Narc husband, ‘ how many more years are you going to give to your pain? Serving it and ensuring it runs you and anyone foolish enough to try to love you?’ We are not the ones who hurt you! ( he always cried and claimed his parents hurt him and he was unloved unseen). He’s now 54. They are dead.When does he live his OWN life free from thier toxicity that poisons his every thought decision and outcome? He said as a little boy he believed he’d die alone and it broke my heart ….I tried to give him what he said he yearned for, unconditional love. In return he almost destroyed my children and I. All in ‘payment ‘to his parents he seems to resent? In a way seemed to me he is the slave to the injury doomed to cause what was done to him (revenge?) on innocents instead of on the.common evil ? I pray the thing that caused this pain this evil that hurt you , and my husband, and all of us, be what is destroyed not reproduced through this self replicating pain. You may be blessed to have been forced into treatment? Maybe you’ll be not only the first to empower empaths but also to have a chance to be the first to go ‘where no man ( Narcisist) ? has gone before’ and obtain soul freedom for yourself so YOU choose and YOU dictate from wholeness and true freedom not brokenness and a insatiable need to fill that emptiness I wanted that so much for my N husband , because love really is healing and wonderful and can stay a lifetime and grow and be a constant between two people who love as wholes. I was blessed to see my parents have that and I had that first time around. The best. To be loved as one is . Does this strike a Narcisist as silliness ?

  11. Star says:

    Hello HG. I know you mentioned before but I can’t find it, to where do we send “letter to narcissist?” Thank u

  12. Lisa says:

    Ooo I really like this letter. Very well written and to the point! Nice one Ya Dancer. Nice one!

  13. Windstorm2 says:

    Very good letter. You sound well on your way to healing completely.

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