Searching

SEARCHING

You spend your time searching. Searching for the one who will fulfil that desire of complete happiness, the one who will be your match, the one who accords with being the soulmate, the one who completes you, the ying to your yang, the one who makes everything alright again. The one who will wipe away those tears of sadness and bring to you the tears of joy and elation. The one who will always be there, come hell or high water. The one who creates that world that you have always craved. The one who chases away the shadows and keeps the wolf from the door. The one who loves you for what you are and does not seek to change you. You search for the one who wants to be with you but will not complain when there is enforced absence. The one who never forgets the important milestones in your lives but never remembers the times when matters do not quite go to plan. The one who will ensure your memories live on in the raising of others. The one who will not turn from you but will lift you up and rely on you also. The one who will take your hand and hold it tight no matter what storms come your way. The one who wakes with you and smiles that special smile. The one who lays their lips against yours as the day ends and night engulfs the land. The one who knows you inside out and cherishes everything you have to offer the world. The one who understands you and wants to understand you. The one who embraces your flaws and imperfections and does not use them against you. The one who looks into your eyes and desires what they see there. The one who will not judge you, will not hold your errors against you but who will hold you as the world may collapse around you and the one who will say your name with their dying breath.

You spend your time searching for a sign. An indicator that will give you the answers. Something on which you can hang hope, that imposter, in order to solve the mystery that you are now faced with. Something that will enable you to unravel the puzzle that has emerged every day and has your mind twisted, thoughts stretched and contorted. You are searching for the truth, your slavish devotion to such a concept is honourable indeed and you must find that truth and hold it high for all to see. You must locate it and raise it up above to ensure that everybody knows of it. You must find the solution, you must identify the panacea that shall cure all these ills, for you are a fixer, a solver, a healer. You search and search for explanation, enlightenment and elucidation. You are hunting high and low for the reason to something which seems unfathomable. Your search will lead you into dead ends, frustrating cul-de-sacs and along treacherous and perilous routes where your bewilderment is only heightened. Your search for clarity amongst the confusion appears to be never-ending. You may be blessed with an indefatigable spirit which enables you to carry way beyond the endurance of others as this search continues. There are clues, but they dance away from you like an elusive will o the wisp, leaving you blundering after it, as you are led further into the quagmire of disturbing befuddlement.

You search for the antidote to the pain that engulfs you each and every day. Some salve to soothe your fevered brow, a medicine that will numb the pain and bring the cure. You search for an end to the hurt. An end to the misery that sweeps about you, its chains heavy and rusting, making you stoop and cutting you to the core. Dragging you down with its hatred, the horror and the malevolence so you fall to your knees. You crawl across the barren land, hands pricked from the thorns that grow across your path as wearied and beaten down you drive yourself on searching for a way out. You sob with frustration as your draining journey reveals that you have gone around in a circle and you stare with disbelieving eyes at your own handprints in the dust, realisation crashing into you that your endeavours have all been for naught. You search for the Holy Grail that will grant you release from this torture, the answer to every question which gnaws at your terrified mind, the oil that will calm the troubled waters allowing your passage across the emotional sea to become easier allowing you to reach the promised land. You search for the key which will unlock the huge gate that looms over you, the opening of the portal that will enable you to escape this horror which surrounds you and has become woven into the tapestry of your every day. You search and search, fooled by the charlatans that offer respite only to whisk it away at the last moment, wrenching it from your grasp. You search and search for a way out of the nightmare, idiots and clowns suggesting they have the route mapped out for you, but they know little or nothing, well-intentioned or otherwise they are not the ones who will be able to end your search. You search and search for the final destination that will finally grant you release. There are options which may bring this horror show to an end, the dropping of the final curtain but whilst you contemplate that, deep within you there is that will to overcome what torments you and to avoid failing and seeking that alternative exit. That way is not for you. You must conclude your search. You must achieve it and as that truth seeker your search continues. You wish to reach the end and it is an end which gives you the absolute truth, the clearest of answers which thus enables you to seize the power to create that which serves your needs once again. The answers that will sweep aside the darkness and enable you to step into the light once more, a champion of perseverance and a titan of determination.

So, day after day after day, you search.

Your search ends here.

The Holy Grail teaches you deliverance over ruin.

37 thoughts on “Searching

  1. Noname says:

    I know, Tudor, and this is understandable.

    The feelings and emotions are very elusive things for Narcy guys. That’s why you look for Empaths. You unconsciously (or, as in my husband case, consciously) look for “helpers”, who could help you to navigate in this “emotional world” effectively. Empaths “empower” you in many forms. They become your “eyes” and “intuition”.

    Probably, you’ve never experienced that, Tudor, but Empath gives the incredible feeling of safety and suredness to a Narc. It is like to walk in the dark forest with a big dog. You feel safe, because you know that your dog has a night vision, incredible olfaction and hearing, and he will warn you, if he notices a danger.

    When you start to drown in your “Narcy emotional sea” (fury, envy, jealousy, paranoia, anxiety, depression, etc – as a consequence of the harmful interaction with a “treacherous world”), Empath is capable to see the whole situation (emotionally and logically) and find the way how to harmonize it. Empath would show you another perspective, another point of view, another meaning.

    For example, Empath could show you, that your friend meant nothing offensive (as your paranoia says) towards you cancelling your meeting. He likes and respects you, as usual (Empath “feels” and “sees” your friend’s feelings clearly). But. Your friend had a diarrhea at that day and he could do nothing with it! We are humans after all. Lol. Without an Empath, your Narcy brain would paint your friend “black” immediately and, in that case, you would loose very dear and good friend… Sad.

    I’ve always thought, that it isn’t wise for a Narc to destroy an Empath. It is a perverted form of the Narcs’ suicide, because “killing” your helper, you “kill” yourself automatically. “Killing” your dog, you would stop to “see, smell and hear” a darkness. You’ll never find a way from that dark forest back. Never. And this is a brutal truth, Tudor.

  2. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, to join your conversation with NoName, if that’s ok, regarding empaths feeling the emotions of others, I remember being at a funeral of someone I did not know personally and the widow of the deceased was there. I could literally feel her pain and grief over her husband’s passing. I started crying uncontrollably and could not understand why. I did not know about being an empath at the time. I was surprised at my own reaction. I could not understand why I started crying. I know now. I am catching myself becoming somewhat cold and callous right now, like I don’t really care any more. I feel like I put myself inside a bubble and am refusing to let anything or anyone in. I wonder if others can relate.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Insatiable learner
      I can certainly relate. The putting yourself in a bubble is a self defense mechanism. If we didn’t do it sometimes we would be overwhelmed by others emotions. I became adept at it when I began teaching 11-12 year olds. Now it is an automatic response when around people and at school. When I actually look at people, I can decide if I want to dissolve my bubble and interact with them. Often i have no choice. Just how they look will open my defenses if I see they are very needy. In the halls at locker break I keep it open, energize myself with all the happiness the students give off, then project it at the needy students. I get so much happiness from this!

      Don’t worry about feeling this barrier between yourself and others. Just stay aware of it so you can begin opening yourself back up once you are in a healthier place. 😊

  3. Ilene says:

    I must find this book!

  4. abrokenwing says:

    Amazing and accurate my saviour.

  5. Noname says:

    First paragraph. You’ve just described the harmonic relationship, Tudor, and it is a natural and basic desire for any human being. But. It works only if both parties actively want it and do everything to build and maintain it. Plus, those people have to be compatible on all levels from the beginning.

    About searching. We can find all answers inside of us, but it isn’t an easy job. So, we prefer to search or wait for someone who is capable to do that job for us. We believe in miracle (mysterious and “powerful-healing-everything” Holy Grail) and that’s a problem. It doesn’t exist. The “one” doesn’t exist. No one can do that job better than you. No one knows and feels you better than you.

    Yes, someone could help you to find the answers, giving you a good advice or telling you where to go and what to do. But. Anyway, it is you and you alone who is going to find them. It is you and only you who can heal yourself. You are your own Holy Grail. And this is a harsh truth.

    1. Nuit Étoilée says:

      Another insightful post, Noname.

      I wonder if you might apply your considerable understanding of human nature to the current conundrum I’m having with HG – if you read this:

      – HG claims there are benefits to his abuse – empath that I am, I am struggling to find benefits to society – I only see benefits for the narc…

      Do you see when abuse could be beneficial? (open to anyone else willing to share their thoughts as well 🙂

      1. HG Tudor says:

        That’s cheating.

      2. Brian says:

        I can only imagine one scenario.
        If one adult abuses another to show them how serious the risks are of trusting someone enough to marry them or get involved in business.

      3. Windstorm2 says:

        Nuit Étoilée
        Maybe I am misunderstanding your question? Do you mean how could abuse ever be beneficial to anyone? If so, there are many ways. The most obvious that come to my mind are when abuse to a bully or an abuser is used to stop him from abusing others. Maybe like humiliating or roughing up a bully to get him to stop bullying weaker people, someone in law enforcement going undercover to infiltrate a gang to stop crime, any law officer subduing a violent person, someone intimidating a group of stupid lesser narcs to incentivize more social behavior, anyone in the court system coming down hard on child molesters or people who commit domestic violence, soldiers, Marines, fighter pilots fighting to prevent tyranny and abuse of civilians…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          WS2 gets it.

      4. Noname says:

        Nuit Étoilée,

        Winstorm answered to your question already and I absolutely agree with her opinion. There are a lot of professions and situations where the “narcy qualities” do a magnificent job to society. No one could do it better than Narcs.

        I benefit from “narcy qualities” in my private, social and professional life also.

        To be an Empath means to live with a pain. Human’s pain. We feel the human’s pain as our OWN.

        When my dearest friend told me about how his father had raped him in his childhood, I REALLY FELT RAPED not only on the psychical level, but on PHYSICAL also. It wasn’t just a cognitive empathy or general understanding or compassion. It was a real rape experience for me. I was THERE with him, I felt EVERYTHING he felt in the smallest details. I felt ill for several days after that and I needed a time to “digest” that pain and then heal myself.

        People sense somehow, that I’m capable to be “inside of them”, to see and feel the whole situation and, if it is possible, to help them. And they think, that it is my DUTY to do that 24/7. So, they actively “hunt” me and “demand” my attention to their problems and that always means another “painful experience” for me. It is impossible to live with a constant pain. I don’t mind to help them, but I’m not a masochist also. I do it only if I see the REAL need and emergency.

        So, I need to protect myself from “demandive” people. How? To avoid all of them? Impossible. To be rude with all of them? I don’t like to hurt people intentionally. What to do then? Why, I have a Narc husband and his “narcy qualities” can protect me perfectly!

        Real life example.
        I have to attend a social event and I know I can’t avoid it. I know, that certain amount of people would be there because they want to see me to resolve their problems. I don’t feel well and I know I’m not ready to be “there for them”.

        So, I take my husband with me and tell him, that I don’t want to interact with people in an “empathic way” tonight. He turns his “angry wolf mode” on and no one is capable to talk with me more than 5-10 minutes in his presence. He intentionally makes people feel uncomfortable and they depart quickly. I’m safe. And:
        “Thank you for protecting me, my dear. I don’t know what I would have done without you. They would have teared me into pieces”.
        “It was pleasure to do it for you, my darling. Now, kiss me”. Lol.

        Another real life example.
        Someone invites us to attend the party and I don’t want to go there. I don’t wan’t to offend that person also. My husband always watches my face and he is capable to see the “invisible” signs of my reluctance. When he sees them, he immediately says to that person with an authority and great confidence:
        “We can’t attend your party. My parents are going to visit us and we are going to spend a time with them”. It is a lie!
        “Ohh… Bad… Maybe next time then…”.
        “We’ll see”.
        When that person departed, I looked at my husband and said:
        “Wow. It was the brilliant lie. Awesome!”.
        “I’m glad you approve, darling”. Lol.

        I work with many Narcs also and our tandems are pretty successful.

        For example, I want to give a “life” to my idea, but it always means, that I have to meet certain people, to attend some events, conferences, to fight with various intriguants and competitors for that. I don’t like to do it and that’s exactly what the Narcy guys like to do! Attention, interactions, conversations, meetings, intrigues, schemes, fights – it is all fuel for them, as our dear Tudor would say. Lol.

        So, forming a work tandem with a Narc, we both do what we like. I do my part of the job and he does his. Finally, he gets what he wants (awards, compliments and recognition) and I get what I want (I changed something in this world and people would benefit from it).

        That’s how the “narcy qualities” work for good. I hope, I’ve answered to your question, Nuit Étoilée. Lol.

      5. Windstorm2 says:

        No name
        Your description of getting overwhelmed by needy people and of how your narc husband keeps them away is very familiar to me. I often have the same problem and it’s one reason I hate public situations. If I go somewhere with my exhusband, I don’t have to worry, though. It’s not that he is trying to help me though. He just always pulls the spotlight on himself and dominates attention. Also he has no tolerance for people wanting to share their problems or for seeing me interacting with needy people. The net effect is calm and quiet for me!

      6. Noname says:

        Windstorm,

        My husband doesn’t like needy people also, but he HAS a tolerance when I want to interact with them in an “empathic way”. Moreover, it fascinates him. He always asks me “What did you feel? How did you feel?”. The most often question he asks me “What are you thinking about?”. Lol.

        He never restricts me, if I want to do something. He never pushes, me if I don’t want to do something. He always tryes to understand and “hear” me. That’s a strength I respect him for and I pay him back with an equal honor.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Noname
          My exhusband has always distrusted peoples feelings. When he was a boy, he thought people were either lying or pretending when they talked about emotions or spiritual feelings. As he got older he would admit that many people thought they actually felt these emotions, but he believed it was more because they lacked intelligence or were gullible to suggestions.

          Now that he’s in his 60’s he is more unsure, but dealing with emotions or feelings makes him very uneasy. He doesn’t disbelieve me, since he knows I never intentionally lie, but he doesn’t like to talk about it. I believe it annoys him because he is unable to understand these emotions and thus must dismiss them as unimportant and irritating. Otherwise he’d have to admit his inability to understand which would be a weakness. And we all know how narcs are about admitting weakness!

      7. Noname says:

        Lol, yeah, Windstorm, they would die, but never admit their weakness!

        “My exhusband has always distrusted peoples feelings. When he was a boy, he thought people were either lying or pretending when they talked about emotions or spiritual feelings”.

        Mine is the same, but I’ve proved him otherwise. Lol.

        He recognizes the people’s emotions pretty well, but anyway, he can’t “catch” the level of sincerety of those emotions for sure. I often “decipher” them for him. I bet, that professional “empathic-emotional-con-artist” could decieve him pretty easily even now.

        It isn’t easy to decieve the Empath, because we “FEEL” the someone’s emotions. The Narcs have only one option – to BELIEVE in them. That’s why we hear a lot of narc-stories “I thought she loved me, but…”. No wonder why. And no wonder why they are so distrustful. No one likes to be fooled.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          This is a valid point Noname. The empath in its “truest” form (what I would refer to as the Contagion Empath) does indeed feel those emotions of others, we do not. We rely on experience, observation and instinct (through a cognitive function rather than a feeling emotional one). I understood this to some degree but was discussing this further with a reader recently which assisted my understanding (but of course not my feeling!).

      8. Nuit Étoilée says:

        FOUND IT!!
        Ahhh mon cher HG – just finding back where I’d posed this question – NO, it’s not cheating, it’s using my empathic skills, that you hunt, for my own ends – to seek assistance.

        THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Windstorm & Noname!!!
        I truly appreciate your input (& I hope you see this – the alert did not function & I couldn’t remember where I’d asked for help)

        I am sure this did not satisfy you, for my concern, HG, but if you were truly seeking my understanding – well, now I have it..

        If this does not satisfy you, feel free to issue me another challenge – I enjoy our intellectual exchanges. *put your absence to good use!

        *bisous*

  6. Galahad says:

    I see. After Hurt God (and Handsome Greater), you are now the Holy Grail…….. LOL

    Good article

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  7. Antifragile says:

    (The Holy Grail is actually one of the things coming to my mind when I see the name “HG”…)

  8. Findinglife11 says:

    ? Not following.

  9. Catherine says:

    And I’m really grateful HG, it makes all the difference to find a kind of closure here.

    But where are you? Is this a silen treatment? Ha, ha..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am right here Catherine.

  10. Jenna says:

    First paragragh – the one who will always love me no matter what is my ex pre-narc. He texted me today. I was thinking to myself, this ex loves me so much. Why do i love narc instead? It’s becoz we, as human beings, tend to crave what we cannot have.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That is a manifestation of emotional thinking. Again.

  11. DebbieWolf says:

    True.
    The search ends here.
    You provide the truth.
    The answers..so the respite..the breather..the gathering of senses is undertaken, so as to unfathom…and more.

    Like the innoculation that introduces the same virus into a body albeit a smaller amount so that the body builds a resistance to that very thing.

    I am glad that I rolled up my sleeve here HG.
    The medicine is unpleasant but serves to promote life.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  12. E. B. says:

    Great article! I knew I had found The Holy Grail when I came across this site.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed and thank you.

  13. HG,
    Thank you
    Perse

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  14. Caroline says:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd_DuEU6Mvg

    This piece of music sounds to me like the journey of entanglement (Empath/narcissist) and the desperate search for the truth… the ending to this piece could be interpreted as enlightenment or ruin, depending on the response.

    Here’s to enlightenment winning.

  15. Blank says:

    Did you just have a look inside my head Mr Tudor?
    The search doesn’t end though. I’m still confused and I don’t know which way to go now in life. It’s always been narcs, all of my life. Should I trust people again or not? Does real love exist at all? Isn’t it always kind of selfish? I thought I could love unconditionally, then why am I divorced now? Should I date again or stay single? Should I fight my narc mum or not? What do I do with the rest of my life, when all of my job applications are turned down?
    Do you probably need an employee, HG? Someone to check on the comments? Cause I haven’t seen any in a while :).
    You’re not suffering burn-out are you?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      HG doesn’t burn out Blank, he was busy about other matters.

  16. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

    HG, I absolutely adore you, HG, you are truly amazing. This hit the spot. You made a frown upside down once again.

    Thank you,

    xoxo

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Little Acons – No. 33

Next article

Darlings and Demons