The Ties That Bind



One of our central aims when we have targeted you is to bind you to us. During our seduction we create this magical place and invite you and only you to inhabit it with us. We build a fantastic place and place you on a pedestal in the centre of this artifice. It is very difficult for you to realise this is a fallacy and even harder to do something about it. Every day, every hour that you remain close to our influence allows us to create more ties, more connections and increase the extent that you are bound to us. We make you feel fabulous, worshipped and loved. The dizzying, whirlwind nature of our passion is unlike anything else you have known and you readily accept it. It is of course not informed consent. You have no idea what we are, but nevertheless you accept all of this wonderful treatment. You allow us to permeate every aspect of your life. We draw you into ours and make you feel special and privileged for being allowed to do so. Consider how we penetrated your every network so everywhere you turned we were there.

We knew all your friends, we ingratiated ourselves with your family and got to meet your colleagues. We knew all the places you liked to go to and introduced you to some additional ones. We made sure we knew every favourite thing of yours, from books to plays to food. Your wine rack became stocked with the types of wine you preferred, your wear the jewellery that was bought for you after careful solicitation of what you deem pretty and I occasionally arrive bearing a new book from the stable of authors that you enjoy to read. Bit by bit I invade your life and as our relationship progresses at light speed, the gradual, creeping advance of my influence has actually gained more than a toehold. It has spread across your territory like some formidable weed that cannot be held back, covering and smothering. My clothes hang in the wardrobe, I have my favourite chair at your house, you now buy the cereal that I prefer to eat in the morning even though you think it is just a mouthful of sugar. You now wash my socks, my songs populate the iTunes playlist and the bathroom is testament to my occupation with the bottles, razors and accoutrements mingled amongst yours. You cannot fail to see my influence all around you, but you welcome this and from it you gain a great happiness. From dating, to staying over, to co-habiting and on to marriage, this inexorable march of sudden and frantic seduction, although this is only ever apparent with hindsight as at the time it was the right thing to do, results in our lives entwining as I wrap my tendrils around your life and drag you tight against me. So many links, connections, lines and ties between you and I.

These ties keep you in place despite the abuse that is to come. It is sudden and bewildering but you will not give up easily. Not only did you say those vows, you meant every word and we know this. You will not let what we have built up crumble to dust. Admirable as your fortitude may be, you may as well stand on a beach and command the tide to halt its own unceasing advance for all the good you will do. This will not stop you trying though. We know this. The ties are many and they are tight so you will not run for cover at the first administration of a silent treatment. You will not down tools and walk away when the shouting continues long into the night. You do not pack a bag and leave it in the hallway, sitting on the stairs as you wait for us to return, late at night, from whatever tryst we have been engaged in. You keep going, bound to the hope that everything will be good once more, that the golden period will return. You hang in there, you battle, you demonstrate misguided resolve as we lash out time and time again, drawing the negative fuel from your distress, dismay and disarray. You will not let go. The connections are too many. Our behaviour is reprehensible as we open up front after front after front against you, leaving you confused and crushed. We twist, blame, push and pull yet you will not waiver. No matter how many times we knock you to the floor you keep coming back for more, dragged back onto your feet by the ties that bind you to us.

Then one day you remove yourself from our toxic influence or in some instances you are removed. Those ties remain but there is an elasticity which allows you to escape us. To be taken away from the acidic words and viscious schemes. The insults, the violent rages, the isolation and the denigration may have been halted. You may no longer be subjected to being spat at, your hair pulled, your money withheld, your social interactions curtailed and your self-esteem trampled underfoot. You may have escaped the daily devaluations which came at you in so many different and unedifying ways but your ordeal is far from over.

You may not have our furious face shouting into yours anymore. You may not be sat cowering behind a locked bathroom door as we pound on it demanding you come out. You may not lie crying in a bed made to feel empty by our absence. You may not stand outside the study seeing the glow of the monitor within, under the door and wonder who we are engaging with online, that knotted sensation in your stomach inducing sickness. You may have escaped many of these manipulations but the ties that bind remain.

The bond we have created with you is so strong, so deep and so far-reaching that every day you will feel a vast void at being parted from us. You will excuse the abuse as you hanker for those golden days. You will feel like something has been ripped from you by our absence. Even though you know how terrible we have acted towards you, you will still suffer that sense of illogical loss. Every day feels empty. You wonder what we are doing, who we are with and whether we are thinking about you. You see our presence all around you still, people still ask about us, you collapse on to your bed burying your face in that t-shirt we kept under our pillow and you still smell us on it. You drink deep of the scent, hoping the nagging pain will recede, that somehow you will be magically restored to where we once both were, when we were happy. Your run your fingers over the tub of hair wax which we left and you remember watching us as we carefully applied it. You cannot bring yourself to discard it, clinging on to these reminders of the joy that once abounded in these walls. You pass the bookcase, touching the spines of the volumes we bought for you, the words and letters all further reminders of our presence here in this house. You miss us you miss us so much, you shouldn’t do, not after what we have done. Not after the vile treatments you have suffered. It makes no sense that you should feel this way but you do. You ache for us, the ties that remain are still being pulled and yanked, even though we are not there with you. The searing pain rises as another reminder appears, the tie still strong. Unlike an umbilical cord which provides life, your cord to us continues to pain you. When will this end? When will this agony recede and be replaced by something else? Would it now not even be better to feel nothing? To be numbed and anaesthetised so you do not have to endure this ongoing pain.

The bond we create with you is so powerful, so deep and so long lasting that it is often the aftermath of the ties that bind that hurts more than the abuse itself. That is how dangerous we are.

60 thoughts on “The Ties That Bind

  1. bw says:

    Oh, and i don’t ever try to forget the ties that bound us. I let them consume me. ~in the end you are stronger than the narcissist, after all we have what they want!

    They only have the power WE give them.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      BW— ~in the end you are stronger than the narcissist, after all we have what they want!

      ^ i hear you but don’t feel you.
      feel week. powerless :/

  2. Me says:

    The tie is still here, I can feel it like a real rope that connects me and him, but in the end I can use it to hang out my laundry.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Every cloud and all that.

    2. Caroline R says:

      If only you could hang out your ex-N’s dirty laundry for all to see. It would be sweet.

  3. Bw says:

    We are only bound to what we accept as truth. Once we see the reality of the lies, the truth sets us free!

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Well said.

    2. Caroline R says:

      That’s profound. Thanks.

  4. lisbeth says:

    Totally Fucked up for sure

  5. MyTrueSelf says:

    “Stockholm Syndrome”. “Trauma Bond”
    It has a name and it can be overcome.

    Like you say, HG, educating myself and knowing the beast in order to break free from it has been the only way I have been able to slowly start to move on.

    Each time I find myself ruminating about what was, I remind myself that it’s just a symptom of an administered, psychological brainwashing.
    My head tells my heart to “snap out of it!” !

    1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      You bring up a good point, MyTrueSelf.
      That is why I keep reading and reading, thankful that HG is able to put the message in so many different formats, keeping it fresh (and quite entertaining I should add)!

      I keep telling myself that if I continue to drive the same message into my head, it will eventually stick. But when it bounces right back out, I’m reminded that the resiliency of my brain isn’t always on par.

      So I go back to reading some more.

      Again, you bring up an excellent point on the pitfalls of how our brains work yet give a reminder that even with mind control, we are still in control of our minds.

      I needed that reminder.

      Best wishes to you, MyTrueSelf. May you continue to move on as planned.

    2. Blank says:

      This is it. Stockholm Syndrome and it is really helpful to read about it. I love your last line. It worked for me too, I continue to tell myself ‘think of the hurt instead of the ‘love” (which was nothing but a fantasy in my head/heart/wherever)

    3. Tappan Zee says:

      MYTRUE—Each time I find myself ruminating about what was, I remind myself that it’s just a symptom of an administered, psychological brainwashing.

      My head tells my heart to “snap out of it!”

      ^ i need this. all day. every day.

  6. narc affair says:

    This in a nutshell is why each and every time ive broken no contact. The ties being broken are way more painful than the abuse! I think its when the abuse becomes more painful that victims can get the strength to leave.
    The emptiness of not having my narc in my life and the ties to all that is what leaves me completely lost. Weve become intertwined. Grown together like roots of a tree yet lead seperate lives. The times ive been disengaged have literally ripped my heart out of my chest it hurts so bad. Ive not been able to focus on anything and barely function. I go into autopilot to keep things going but inside im hollow except for the incredibly awful pain. I want to sleep but am afraid to wake up to the utter depression of not having him in my life. Its scares me those ties bc theyre so very damn strong. I think id rather endure the abuse it seems less painful.

    1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      I understand your feelings Narc Affair….that push, followed with a pull. I have days where I am strong, happy to be free from the misconceptions. I will find myself thrilled to be distanced from his vague and watery ways. But other days are just as you describe.

      How do you forget those incredibly special moments?

      This article says so much to that feeling, added with your honest assessment of the difficult process of breaking away. I couldn’t help but relate to your struggless so poignantly described. It made my heart hurt for you, for all of us.

      Still, I sense your glorious strength underneath those moments of despair. But how to make those moments of longing fewer and fewer? I wish I had the answers. But that’s why I’m here… just hoping to find the answers.

      1. ANK says:


        Time and occupying yourself with other things are the only way to make the moments of longing fewer and fewer, but it is hard to do especially when the narc is close by/you work near them etc.

        Even with NC that sense of longing is hard to dismiss.

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi burntkrispykeen…ty so much for your encouraging supportive words they mean a lot 💓 this blog really described what ive struggles with when ive disengaged. In fairness ive never gone full no contact bc full no contact imo is blocking the narc. Once you completely block you know theyll be no hoovers or a slim chance of them and that is where the grief sets in and then the healing. When i have disengaged ive felt exactlybhow i described in my post. It feels so awful. Im sure he never felt any of that.
        All the best to your healing as well! ❤

      3. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        NA and ANK, thank you both for your replies. I too have found that staying busy helps, but as hectic as my life is, I can never seem to get myself busy enough to escape the thoughts that pop up at random… as if I have no control!

        But you are correct, ANK… the idle mind is the devil’s workshop! Staying active at least shows me how life goes on, and the hurt does seem to fade when I’m around others. But I’m still learning how to not let this consume me. Maybe some fine day?

        I am in the process of going No Contact (again) but as you said NA, it always proves to be a difficult task. And it is exactly for the reasons you state. It’s the “never” that scares me so.

        But like you said, they go about their new lives, seemingly happy and unscathed while we are left tattered and bruised.

        But I do know that in his moments alone, it hits him.

        He as much as told me so, but since he can’t always be believed to express his feelings honestly, I know this to be true from my own account. The times I came upon him after his time alone… that emptiness that he would sometimes speak of… I could feel it. It’s real.

        They like to say that they feel nothing, but that’s not true. They take the same advice we do and attempt to fill their lives with busy work and activities of fun, just to avoid the void. But it’s there.

        I felt his pain, so I know that he does too.

        1. ANK says:

          I know exactly what you mean Burnt, impossible to stop the random thoughts. Even with people my thoughts stray to him.

          Life has to go one, and each of us is trying to live it as best we can, while in pain. All I can say is that the hurt fades but comes surging back due to some trigger or other. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…..

          Like you and NarcAffair, it ‘s the ‘never’ that keeps me in contact. The pain from the silence was unbearable, and so something is better than nothing. While I am back in regular contact the blocking last Sunday and these last 2 days has made me feel miserable.

          What they do to use and how feel does not affect them, they do indeed go about unscathed and happily with the new appliance.

          I don’t think you should believe him too much. They are good at pity plays to deflect. They know just what to say. He told me there isn’t a day that goes by when he doesn’t think of me. Really???

          When I feel crap I come to this blog. Helps a lot.

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            ANK, Burnt, Narc Affair
            I know what you all are saying about having them pop back in your mind and bringing all the sorrow of what you had hoped for rushing back and overwhelming you. I have been there. It took me about two years after giving up on a narc relationship to get beyond this stage (any narc relationship). For me at least, after those 2 years, whenever the narc pops back in my mind I feel only an irritation – mainly at what a loser they are.

            There is definitely no more longing, or sadness – no pain. It’s more like when you’ve gone through the drive-thru at McDonalds and realise you got the wrong change back. You’re irritated, you think about how dumb they are, but then you dismiss it from your mind (except to be extra vigilant when you go back to that McDonalds!). That’s what the narcs eventually become to me – synonymous with some dumb, flighty 16 year old who can’t make change correctly. Occasionally irritating, but totally unimportant to my life and happiness.

          2. ANK says:

            I hope it will be the same for me too one day.

            I was coping ok being just friendly, but the blocking has sent me sprialing down. I’m trying hard not to think about it all.

    2. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      Struggles* not struggless. Not sure how I managed to mess up that one; maybe it was a Freudian slip?

      I do hope we can soon struggle less.

      Best wishes to you, NA.

    3. Catherine says:

      Hi narc affair, I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel and what you’re going through. The pain of the abuse does seem to be a better option than living without them when still in the relationship. I remember that strong feeling of knowing I should leave, but not being able to. Not knowing how I would survive without him.

      In my case the end came so abruptly and irreparably and I was literally thrown into a bewildering world where I had to start life anew. The pain of losing him was excruciating, I’ve never suffered anything like it. I went travelling a lot, just packed my bag and left, needing to put some physical distance between us, knowing there’s no escaping your emotions, but still doing something I truly love. It helped. I’m still in pain, I’m still feeling lost and tortured by the trauma bond that’s even now quite effectively in place. And right now I’m going through a phase of some kind of holy wrath where I’m angry at almost each and everyone in my life. I guess it’s all that anger that I’ve hidden within me for too long, surfacing finally. Some time has passed though, I’m learning to listen to logic, I’m starting to question my whole life and I strongly believe something good will come from all the pain. It’s three steps forward and one or two back all the time. But there are good things happening frequently now. I’ve reconnected with a friend I wasn’t allowed to keep before, I’ve noticed that my somewhat sarcastic humour that my narcissist saw as criticism is slowly coming back, a lot of the time nowadays I go through the better part of the day smiling, when not furiously angry;) Life without him is definitely better than the abuse he put me through. I wouldn’t let him back into my life again, he’s done enough to destroy me.

      Wishing you the best. Only you know when the time is right for you. Hugs from me!

      1. ANK says:


        Sorry for the pain you have suffered and are still suffering. I’m glad to see you are becoming more yourself and living for you.

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi Catherine…ty for your reply it means a lot your shared experiences and support! I think healing is in stages and anger is deinitely one of them. Anger can lend to strength and help with healing. The sarcasm is good too lol i think being able to keep an element of humor helps so much. Thats what i love about this blog is the ability to laugh at aspects of the abuse. Narcissism is such a heavy topic. Im glad youre doing well and i enjoy your posts so much and getting to know you and others on here 🙂

      3. Catherine says:

        ANK, thank you so much for your kindness. The road to recovery seems to go through lots of twists and turns, but I do feel that I’m moving forward. Sometimes I’m even enjoying the ride, finding some forgotten pieces of myself along the way and discovering a new kind of relieved freedom from the narcissistic merry go around. Wishing all the best to you.

      4. Catherine says:

        Thank you narc affair for sharing your story. I enjoy reading your thoughtful posts as well, and getting to know so many people and so many stories here. This blog, thanks to HG of course, has tremendous force and a dynamic that’s unique really. The informative and highly skilled writing of HG, being a predator himself, on the one hand, bringing weaponising knowledge, clarity and humour to the table, and then the chorus of all the voices of the victims connecting, bonding over their similar experiences, laughing at their frenzied love stories, finding some kind of closure at last. This blog has literally saved my sanity! I’m so grateful for that!

      5. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        I feel the same gratitude that you do, Catherine. Being here has already helped me so much.

        I appreciate the way you express yourself as your writings have been enjoyable and easy to read. But I am sorry to learn of your pain. Yet, I can tell from reading your other posts that you didn’t allow him to take away your amusing sense of humor! So glad to hear that even more of that is finding its way back to you.

        Knowing this portion of your story gives me hope.

        Thank you for sharing Catherine.

      6. Catherine says:


        thank you too for your kindness and your honest and heartfelt posts. We’re in this separately as individuals, struggling with our painful experiences and recovering slowly, gaining vital knowledge from HG. But then we’re also in this together
        and sharing brings an incredible amount of enlightenment and humour.

        So thank you for sharing. The pain will cease and there will be new beginnings I’m sure!

      7. K says:

        I am furious too.

      8. Catherine says:

        K, fury is good! I think it helps us move on. I’m a bit startled by this phase of grief since I’m usually the most non confrontational person around; never erupting in anger or telling people off. But I must admit that it feels good to vent my anger right now when I feel taken for granted or stepped upon.

    4. Blank says:

      Narc Affair, my heart goes out to you, reading this. With my last narc I felt exactly the same. I left him about 10 times and each and every time I almost couldn’t breath being without him, the pain was so intense. But at last I understood, that there was a need in him to hurt me. And the pain he caused me every time was as if he stabbed my heart with a knife.
      I kept that in mind. In the end I blocked him everywhere, I changed my telephone number and stopped searching for him on Social Media. In order to distract myself from thinking about him I arranged lots of day trips with my friends. We would go shopping, to a museum, concert, etc.. This really helped me a lot to take my mind off the narc. And honestly, once you can really go no contact and keep reminding yourself of the pain he caused you, you soon stop feeling the intense longing. It took me 3-6 months. I can look at his picture now and there are no intense feelings. That is because I (can) controll them now. Good luck Narc Affair, I hope you can do it!

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi blank…ty for your supportive reply and ive heard it takes on average 7 times or more before leaving for good. The fact you blocked him completely i think is key! Also keeping busy and surrounding yourself with friends. My problem is i have a couple friends but were so busy with our lives we rarely see one another. Hes in essence become the friend i engage with daily. Ive become pretty absorbed in him and i see this as a big problem. Its that whole isolation thing. I see where that needs to change but then fear of losing him sets in. I wont go on about my situation bc its a broken record but i do see how keeping busy and being around others is very important. Your story provides inspiration and motivates ty! 🙂

    5. ANK says:

      Totally understand NarcAffair.

      I thought I was doing ok. Broke no contact after a few weeks. Talked to him and he said he wanted to stay friends. I thought I could handle that, and push all thoughts of him with her out of my head. Which I have managed to do in the main, but he blocked Sunday and today just now. – he’s off to Wales to a friend. Blocked me because he is off to Wales for the weekend with her?! Am angry now. I need to reread DocHQ’s posts, lol.

      Just wish I could let go! Fucking hate him.

      1. Jenna says:


        I’m really sorry to hear this. I want u to let go too.

        It is similar to my situation. He said he wanted to stay friends. I agreed. We stayed friends for a little over a yr.

        Last wk, i re-established no contact. I feel like breaking it, becoz he is sending me hoover texts. I stop myself, in fear that if i accept the friendship again, he can block me anytime. They are unpredictable with blocking.

        Pls try to stay strong, ank.

        1. ANK says:

          Thank you Jenna. Hope you manage to stay strong with your NC

          The friend thing has only recently started. But as mentioned it is not strictly friends as there is sexting and phone sex. I know part of that is me wanting to hold on to him and responding to keep him.

          The blocking is hurting more than knowing he is with someone else, although I feel so devalued at the moment as my thoughts are saying that he considers her to be better than me, he wants to spend time with her doing things where as he never wanted to with me, I was a DLS only good for a fuck.

          1. Jenna says:

            Hi ank,

            She is not ‘better’ than u at all. We are all interchangeable to the narc. Try to remember that. When i remember that, it really helps. That is one of the reasons i stay on this site. I like having daily reminders frm hg’s articles of these facts.

            I do suggest that u discontinue the sexting and phone sex. It is love-sex for u, and i am sure it keeps u binded more deeply. When i stopped being intimate w him, my feelings were a little more under control, becoz the oxytocin wasn’t hitting the roof. I still had high emotions as that is my nature, but it was more controllable.

          2. ANK says:

            Thank you Jenna.

            Yes I do try to remind myself that. I know I should stop the sexting etc, but I guess my emotional thinking is taking over, that if i do that I keep hold of him. The other part of my thinking says that if he is doing that with me then he definitely doesn’t care about the IPPS – it sort of makes me feel better.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            You recognise it is emotional thinking so address it.

          4. ANK says:

            Will try harder! 🙂

          5. jenna says:

            Hi ank,

            Try to be strong! Remember ur body is not a playground! Don’t give it to someone who doesn’t love u!! I am sending u encouragement to stop the sexting! ❌❌❌

            U can do it!

      2. narc affair says:

        Hi ank…im sorry he did that to you and its very ugly. It almost sounds like he got hoover fuel. Proved to himself you still have feelings for him then discarded again via blocking. What a piece of trash! Im sure you feel the ultimate rejection but take it instead as absolute validation hes not worth another thought.
        The friendship after relationship im not sure is possible.
        Hope your days a lovely one and dont waste it on that lowlife! 💓

        1. ANK says:


          He knew I had feelings for him long before he started to work on the new appliance. Sometimes I wonder if I had not told him that I had feelings for him if he would have not gone after another. But I think I know the answer to that – I’ve seen him chatting intently to female work colleagues and while at the time I just dismissed it and gave him the benefit of the doubt, I now know what he was up to.

          Even after finding out about her I continued to sleep with him, periods of silent treatment in between, the longest was 3 weeks just before my birthday and then of course like clock work I got the birthday hoover, followed by silent treatment again. Well I had it out with him telling him how I felt etc. Told him I could walk away and never contact him if that’s what he wanted. He said that would be easier for him but he didn’t want to lose me. From that point on it’s been ‘let be friends’ however plenty of sexting and phone sex going on.

          Last text was lunchtime yesterday to he’s off to Wales to see a friend, and wished me a good couple of days and catch up when he’s back. Blocked straight after that text.

          It’s the blocking that I can’t handle. Obviously he is protecting his interests. C*&T. Sorry, just angry……

      3. K says:

        I feel your pain ANK.

        1. ANK says:

          Thank you K. This weekend has been particularly hard.

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            Sorry to hear that about your weekend. Sending positive energy and keeping you in my thoughts.

          2. ANK says:

            Ah Windstorm you are so very sweet and kind. Love you! ❤

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi Ank…that is very rotten of him to block you bc youve done nothing wrong. He doesnt trust you bc he will be away from his computer and you could post something? He sure sends mixed messages but then that is narc logic for you. Hes rejected you in an awful way. Id end it for good now. I know its difficult but so is getting your heart stomped on 🙁 i hope things get easier soon ❤

        1. ANK says:

          Hi NarcAffair,

          Yes it is rotten of him to block me. I am not facebook friends with him. He had an account a few years back but never really looked at it ans has resurrected it more recently. He tole me that. He didn’t send me a friend request and I didn’t send him one, but I could see his friends etc. and I’m sure he could see mine and did look, because after I changed my privacy settings he also changed his.
          I didn’t want him to have access to my friends etc. Not that I have anything to hide, but I didn’t want him to get hold of any information about me. Once upon a time I would have trusted him, but not any more.
          He is crafty in that he wouldn’t have IPPS or IPSSs as friend on facebook anyway. And if I did post anything, I would just look like the crazy stalker.

          He has blocked me on his phone. Which is cruel considering that you can turn of notifications, put the phone on silent etc.

          I am going to ask him why he blocked me if i get the opportunity.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            There is not need to ask him and you should not ask him.

          2. ANK says:

            I know HG, but I want him to feel uncomfortable. Devilish of me!

          3. ANK says:

            Just for my knowledge HG, why should I not ask him?

          4. HG Tudor says:

            It is contact with the narcissist which will lead to a rise in your emotional thinking, the risk of further ensnarement, the provision of fuel, the encouragement of the narcissist to apply his grip further.

          5. ANK says:


            Thanks for the information HG

      5. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Hang in there ANK. I know how much this hurts.
        Maybe some upcoming weekend, it will be your turn to be swept away by a charming and witty, dashing yet sweet gentleman who will make you forget what’s-his-name… Dirty Slimy Bastard, was it?

        I just assumed since most of them go by the same title…. excluding His Greatness, of course.

        (Shoot. Now I’m forced to realize that I didn’t make it very far today on trying to be a better person. But like K said, I do have a willing spirit and… there is always tomorrow.)

        Still, I do feel your pain ANK.
        I remember that sinking burden of feeling less than. When I would try my best to break free from him, he’d tell me how easily he could replace me. On a few occasions, he actually told me that he could get better. I told him if he thought he could, “Then please, go ahead…. Don’t let me stand in your way. I will never keep a man from achieving what he deems is better.”

        Then a good bit later, he’d tell me how he was convinced that I was “the best out there” and then he’d go on to compliment every area in which he thought I excelled. “You’re the best out there. I know because I’ve searched this town up and down.”

        And I bet he did! But which was it? The worst or the best?

        Probably neither. I now realize that I was nothing more than a plaything in his toy box.

        With the help of HG, I can better recognize that his actions were simple mind games for the purpose of manipulation. He wanted me compliant and accessible, so he’d say whatever, from one extreme to the other, in order to keep me under his control.

        (He never could seem to grasp that the reason I was trying to leave was because of his deceptions in covering up his liaisons with other women. I somehow kept forgetting that it was never his fault as he actually once asked me why I couldn’t “just sweep this under the rug and give us a fresh start.”)

        It’s hard not to stay angry thinking about the times when they appear to be away with another. I’ll never forget curling up into a ball and crying all night. (I so hope that you were able to not do this as I wouldn’t wish that degrading feeling on anyone.) But I know that crushing fear… imagining him away in a hotel room, being physically intimate with another woman, doing to her the things he did for me.

        But once I realized that he really didn’t do those things for me, the act became less powerful in my mind… just a physical encounter to fill his emotional void. That helped me a bit as I saw this to be his shortcoming, not mine. And that’s what the trip to Wales was ANK… his shortcoming to fulfill a primitive need because he lacks the ability to do so in a respectable manner.

        And while I have done plenty wrong myself, I have never slept with two men at the same time (meaning around the same time, so especially not AT the same time if that came out wrong)!
        I’m just trying to say… I don’t understand how they can jump from woman to woman because when I’m in love, I don’t crave the touch of another.

        Wait. I remember… they are not in love.

        Still, I don’t understand these boys and the way they play ANK. They could find women who would agree to be in an open relationship with them, so why deceive? Why make us believe we are special, some kind of wonderful when we are essentially nothing to them? Just say up front that you want to date around. But something tells me they don’t want it open… at least not on our end.

        Like mine, your relationship seems to be defined by many different labels (whatever suits his needs in that moment). But you are right…. Basically, he cheats on you with them, but he also cheats on them with you. No one is getting what she wants or deserves.

        It stings in the most bitter way, but I’m glad the weekend is now behind you. May tomorrow feel like a brand new start and may your healing truly begin.

        Many thoughts are with you ANK.
        Know you are never alone.

        1. ANK says:


          ‘Maybe some upcoming weekend, it will be your turn to be swept away by a charming and witty, dashing yet sweet gentleman who will make you forget what’s-his-name… Dirty Slimy Bastard, was it?’
          That’s a lovely thing to say. I would need to make sure he wasn’t a narc. Thing is I’m cautious anyway and despite that got ensnared, but he took his time, patiently reeled me in. No rush when there is already and existing fuel line. Dirty slimy bastard is about right, together with a few other choice names – all interchangeable but equally applicable.
          Didn’t make it far being a better person… lol, I think we all have those moments/days. If anyone could see the inner ranting and cursing they would be very surprised! What we all say on here is venting, I think we can ourselves to have off days.

          All that he can be better/change is just BS to keep you. As for him complimenting you, again trying to get you to stay. Words and mind games depending on which way the fuel pipeline is blowing, or should be pumping. They never change. They will say what needs to be said to get what they want. All the time. And lie. All the time.

          I had the same reason as you for not wanting to be with him – the fact that he was screwing another woman. I did walk away when I found out, but my addiction to him was so great that I kept letting him have me, thinking that he would come to his senses. The deception and betrayal is the thing that hurts so much still. When I found out about her, I did cry a lot, I stopped eating, felt sick. And of course you can’t help picturing them together, being as adoring as they were with you…. and therein lies a big source of pain. The trick is to block all thought as HG advises.

          It’s a good thing to remember – that he wasn’t doing it for you – it’s just a physical act, with no emotional connection. That’s what I tell myself too, that if he really loved her he wouldn’t be screwing around behind her back. He is deceiving her just the same.
          ‘I have never slept with two men at the same time (meaning around the same time, so especially not AT the same time if that came out wrong)!’ lol, I knew what you meant.

          I have never slept with or even dated two men at a time. You say tou cant’ understand how they can jumpy form woman to woman, as you don’t want ayonebosy else when you’re in love. Well that’s exactly how I am – if I’m in love, that person is it – loyal and faithful. I came across a term recently that I had never hear of –demi-sexual ( another label) that is what I think I am. Bur yes you have hit the nail on the head – they are no in love, they are incapable, but they so very well know how to pretend to be in love with you, to say the right words to make it seem so.

          ‘Still, I don’t understand these boys and the way they play ANK. They could find women who would agree to be in an open relationship with them, so why deceive?’ Funny you should say that. I was thinking exactly the same thing at the weekend. I even said as much to him today when I saw him. It is all part of the game – the buzz of getting us, the buzz of the subterfuge, and power of being able to deceive and manipulate. Makes them feel omnipotent.

          His blocking me stewed around in my head for a few days, but I was feeling much better come Monday.

          I’m glad that when things go shit-shape again that I can come to this blog and get some replies to help me pick myself up. And i hope I can at the same time help others.

          Thank you for your thoughts kind support Burnt.

    6. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      You all give me much appreciated hope!

      I know what you mean, Windstorm2, about that frustration when a cashier can’t even count out the correct change! I always say to myself, “Oh well, it’s not enough to break me.” I can’t wait until I think of him the same way…. not worthy of the energy to reach out my hand… not worth worrying over pennies when a rich life awaits.

      Oooohh… I can’t wait to get there!

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        😊. Glad my analogy helped you! It really will get that way in time.

  7. Findinglife11 says:

    No. I just want my stuff back.
    Not you.
    No precious menories.
    I can forget you in a heartbeat but i share 4 kids. 10. 9. 8. 6. That’s the only thing that binds u to me.
    (Not U of course HG…. but him. The other devil)

  8. H. says:


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